Going To The Dogs In More Ways Than One

S04E14

By Omar G

You know what they say about a dog of an episode? This one is a dog of a dog episode. But to help us get through it, I was able to find a special guest recapper this week. His name is Roger, and he plays "Mean Ugly Rottweiler" in this episode. Roger lives with his owners, the Moores, in Vancouver. He'll fill us in a bit about the behind-the-scenes work. He doesn't have super-strength in real life as his character did in "Krypto," but he can talk.

Omar: Hi Roger! How are you today?
Roger: Hey, Omar. Thanks for inviting me.
Omar: Your full name is Roger...Moore?
Roger: My owners thought it would be cute. It's not.
Omar: You play "Mean Ugly Rottweiler" in this episode, but you're actually quite a handsome dog.
Roger: That was all CGI and prosthetics. I do have ears, as you can see. They held them down with double-sided tape. The same kind they use for boobies on award shows.
Omar: Great -- well, let's get started.
Roger: Yeah, let's rip into this one.

We open at night as a security truck pulls in to a cornucopia-decorated sign that reads "Smallville Co-op." The WB mocks me cruelly by letting me know that the show is available in HD, but fails to mention that I live too far from town to pick it up on my antenna. Yeah, I know it's in HD. Sadly, how I know. Two young guys stop in front of the co-op. The older of the two says, "Let's do this."

Cut to someone opening a safe via a combination lock. An older gent pulls the handle on the safe and opens it to reveal a bunch of boring-looking papers. Hey, is that an octagonal disc in there? Just then, the door to his shop opens. "Be right with you," the crouching grocer says as he closes the safe. He stands up. Looks toward the produce. "Hello?" he calls out. There's nobody around. He looks down and sees two dogs on the other side of the counter. Both look friendly enough and are panting. One is our pal, "Mean Ugly Rottweiler." The other is a very handsome...uh...I'm terrible with breeds...a Labrador? Cocker spaniel?

Roger: He's an asshole, is what he is.
Omar: Oh, you two didn't get along?
Roger: Let's just say Queen Krypto over there thought his poop logs didn't stink, if you know what I mean.
Omar: He was a bit of a prima donna?
Roger: You should have seen the size of his trailer! He had a freakin' plasma screen in there! Not that I'm bitter. I'm all about the work.

"Hey fellas," says the soon-to-be-mauled grocer. Mean Ugly Rottweiler jumps on the counter and growls menacingly. The grocer jumps back, scared. Rottweiler barks. Scary!

Roger: Look at that! I look freakin' fantastic! They did a great job with the makeup. And look at my teeth!
Omar: Do you have to have those brushed a lot?
Roger: Those aren't mine. They're falsies.

While Rottweiler is still barking, the handsome brown dog goes around the corner. He puts his jaw to the safe's handle and pulls. It comes apart like a tender baby back rib. Oh Heavenly Dog over here takes the night deposit pouch with his teeth and runs off with it. Grocer Guy is like, "Heeeey! OH! I'm supposed to be scared!" Grocer pulls out a shotgun from under the counter and cocks it. He looks like he's going to take a shot at the cute brown dog. But Ugly Rottweiler is right there to make short work of the shotgun. He bites into it, and as the Grocer struggles, the gun bends neatly. The Grocer gets up and runs, leaving the ruined shotgun behind. Rottweiler gives chase. Grocer manages to get to the room and close a sliding door between them. The Rottweiler starts punching through the heavy door.

Roger: I improv'ed a bit where I go, "Heeeere's JOHNNY!," but the director thought it was too over-the-top. Maybe it'll be on the DVD.
Omar: Yeah, that would be, uh...great.
Roger: Hey, you shut the fuck up, recap-boy. You weren't there. It was fantastic.

Rottweiler keeps punching through. Grocer backs away like a thousand feet, never taking his eyes off the door to, say, look for a weapon or call for help. Rottweiler pokes his snout through a gap in the broken door.

Roger: Right there! That was it! My line! You can see my lips move! I can't believe they looped growling over me. Those assholes.

The Rottweiler suddenly disappears from view. Grocer starts to think he's safe, but then with what looks like a mild tap from his front paw, Rottweiler knocks down the door. Rottweiler runs at Grocer and starts mauling him. As I'm typing this, Roger is staring at the screen, drooling.

Omar: What are you doing?
Roger: Sorry. It's Pavlovian. They put barbecue sauce on that guy's arm so I'd really get into the scene. I can't watch it without getting hungry.

The younger of the two guys who drove up in the truck blows on a whistle. Rottweiler suddenly stops what he's doing and responds to the whistle by following its sound. Grocer moans in the background. The two guys, whom we can surmise are thieves employing very, very cheap dog labor, are standing outside the store in plain view. Alibi? What's that? Witnesses? Never heard of them. "Hercules!" says Young Thief, as the Rottweiler returns to him. He finds blood on the dog's snout. Ruh-oh. "What happened in there?" Young Thief asks Older Mean Thief. Mean Thief says he doesn't know, and tells him to get the dog inside. Young Thief opens the back of the truck and leads the Rottweiler to a metal cage. He closes the door on it. It's got very high-tech buttons for a pet carrier. Young Thief asks where "Einstein" went. To Heaven? He blows his whistle again.

We cut to Lois Lane, driving in the dark and leaving a message on Chloe's voicemail. Lois tells Chloe that she's officially moved out of the dorms and headed to the Kent house. She asks Chloe to bring her mail that's been sent to Chloe's. She hangs up, and as she's putting down the phone, the brown dog, Einstein, crosses the road. We don't see the car actually hit the dog, but it looks like that's what happens. Lois stops the car. She looks behind her and sees the dog lying in the road. "Oh my God, what have I done?" she asks herself. Overstayed your welcome on this show? She gets out of the SUV, tells the dog they're going to get help, picks up the huge mass, and takes it to the SUV. "I know you're going to be fine," Lois says. "Everyone I've ever hit was all right." She sneezes. It is neither cute nor funny.

Opening credits. Still no Lois. I'm going to take that as a good sign.

Kent Farm at night. A light goes on upstairs. Downstairs, on a couch, an awakening Clark pushes aside a soft-looking bright red blanket to figure out what's making noise in the middle of the night. Bo walks into the room, too, from what appears to be the front door. Oh, Bo. Tell us you weren't out "Midnight Milking" again. Bo shushes Clark and sneaks toward the kitchen, where there's clattering. We reveal: CuteEinstein, who has somehow gotten a Tupperware container out of the fridge and has opened it on the floor. He's chomping on meat and veggies. A chain tied around his neck has been broken. Lois walks in through the kitchen door holding some boxes. She asks Clark and Bo what they're doing up. They glance at the noisy dog. He chew chew chews the steak. Lois says that the dog is supposed to be tied up in the barn. Nice job, Lois. She says she tied him to a post while she was getting stuff out of her car. She smiles sheepishly. CuteEinstein is like, "This is all very interesting, but, CHOMP!"

In the Barnness of Freeloaditude, Lois is showing Clark and Bo where she had the dog chained up. There's now a broken post where he was being held. And over there was where she made the dog wear a hood and stand on a cardboard box. "That's just bad wood," Lois says. "That's not my fault." There goes Lois, taking another selfless hit for the team. Bo and Clark exchange a look. Lois suddenly sneezes. The dog looks at her sympathetically, which is more acting than Clark can muster up this week. Lois blames her allergies. Bo asks where the dog came from. MommaDog? "Actually, I kind of...hit him," Lois says. She smiles when she says it, with something like pride. "With your car?" Clark asks. "No, with my fist," Lois says obnoxiously. Lois says she was going to call the vet, but when she brought him to the farm, the dog seemed fine. A huge hunk of steak will do that. Bo says that Lois needs to make some flyers. The dog has a collar, he says, and he's sure it belongs to someone. Lois agrees. She sneezes again. CuteEinstein moves to try to catch the loogie, but misses. Clark smiles at Lois's puffy face and says it might be fun to have a dog around. He grins broadly as he starts playing with the dog, and says that if nobody claims him, maybe they can keep him. Bo says they should wait and see what happens. "Yeah, don't get too attached," says Lois. My wife asks, saliently, "They live on a farm and don't already have a dog?" Hey! Yeah! "I'm going to bed," Lois says, with more puff in her face than a bag of marshmallows. Clark says he's going to do his chores. "It's three o'clock in the morning," Bo points out, instead of his usual "Good, because those chores aren't going to win a reality-show contest that entitles them to a year of doing themselves." Clark says that with Lois staying at the farm, he can only do his chores at super-speed when she isn't looking. It's not like she has any real powers of observation, though. I'm sure she wouldn't even notice during the day. Bo asks Clark to start with the broken barn post. Clark does so in what's actually a very nice bit of woodworking. Say what you will about Clark, but he knows how to work that wood. He measures, cuts, attaches. The dog watches him, thinking, "I could do that if I had super-opposable thumbs." Clark says that at least he doesn't have to hide anything from CuteEinstein. CuteEinstein cocks one eyebrow, then the other. It's very cute. Aw, Clark's got puppy love.

morning. What the shit? It's snowing? A cute little red car pulls up to the farm. It's Chloe, bringing Lois's mail. Chloe mentions that the mail was forwarded to her apartment. She lives in an apartment now? Clark starts to say that Lois is probably still in the shower (x-ray vision knows all!), but Chloe sweetly interrupts, "Heeeeeeey! Who's the puppy?" She kneels and plays with CuteEinstein. Chicks dig him, Clark. Just sayin'. Chloe asks how Lois is doing at the farm. Clark says that Lois re-recorded their answering machine message, uses all the hot water, and took over the bedroom. I thought Clark slept in the barn most of the time. I guess it may be too cold out there, which kinda makes sense. Damn you for making sense this one time, show! Chloe asks how Clark is doing. How rarely does it happen on this program that one character simply asks another how he's doing? It's a nice change of pace. Clark says it's hard to be himself around Lois. Chloe scratches CuteEinstein's head. She says that Clark can be himself around the dog, right? Clark and Chloe smile at each other. "And I'm always around," she adds. Chloe shivers from the cold and goes to find Lois. Clark leads CuteEinstein by the chain, and ties him to the front axle of a blue tractor. Sure, leave the dog out in the snow. Clark ties the most ineffective chain knot ever. As Clark goes inside, CuteEinstein barks in protest. Then he whines, "Hey, asshole! It's cold out here!" As soon as Clark steps inside the house, he hears a loud grinding noise from outside. He steps back out. The tractor has crashed through the white picket fence and now sits right to the front door. CuteEinstein thinks, "Bacon!"

Roger: I admire that they didn't use CGI here. They left it to your imagination, like that scene in The Silence of the Lambs where you don't see Lecter actually bite the cop in the face, but you imagine you did.
Omar: Wow, that's a pretty slick reference for someone that I just saw lick his own balls.
Roger: Soderbergh licks his balls all the time.

"Holy..." Clark says. "Hey, looks like you've got a secret, too," he tells CuteEinstein. He asks where the dog is from as he pats him down. Tom Welling's affection for dogs really comes through in these scenes, and it's very adorable, I have to admit. He finds something from feeling the back of CuteEinstein's fur. Clark uses his x-ray vision and sees a small microchip inside the dog's skin. Chloe and Lois come outside and see the tractor. "What did you do?" Lois asks. Clark says it "must have rolled." "Through a fence?" Lois asks. Chloe grits her teeth in sympathy toward Clark's oncoming stream of bullshit. All three agree that it was a weird thing that just happened. Chloe starts to help weave the BS web by saying that the tractor is old and the emergency brake must have slipped. "Yeah, it's old," Clark agrees. Lois looks at them like the crazy they are. Chloe excuses herself and leaves. Clark tells Lois he was just playing with "Skippy" here. Lois informs Clark sternly that they're not calling the dog "Skippy." How about "Peanut"? Clark asks Lois, annoyed, what she'd like to call him. Lois says that he's annoying, and that she can't get within ten feet of him without getting sick. "I think we should call him Clarkie," she says. Lois hopes the dog can be someone else's allergy when they find his owner. Clark doesn't think that's going to be necessary; he tells her about the microchip that could identify the dog. "I spent all morning on these," Lois says of the full-color flyer she created with "FOUND DOG" at the top. Clark, with weird line delivery vibes, says he has to go tell his parents something. Lois tells CuteEinstein not to give her that look. He looks at her the way a dog looks at a person. "Clarkie," Lois calls him, happily. CuteEinstein does a neat little embarrassed take with his paw on his snout.

The animal shelter. Lois and Clark have brought CuteEinstein, who says, "Yo, what up," to dogs he passes as they enter the offices. Lois suggests they get MamaKent a new pot roast on the way back. She tells "Clarkie" to sit. "Good dog," she tells him. Maybe his real name is "Ubu." She smiles at Clark, who looks annoyed. Clark rings the bell on the counter three times. I get a wicked Fawlty Towers flashback. Young Thief, who looks like a bit of a goober, enters the room. He sees CuteEinstein and reacts the way you would seeing an ex-girlfriend a year after you broke up. The dog barks at him. Young Thief (I'd assign a more fitting nickname, but frankly, the two thieves in this episode vaporize from memory the minute the episode finishes. They're like Guest Star Ghosts) pretends nothing's up, and asks Clark and Lois how he can help them. Lois tells the guy that she hit the dog with her car, again saying it as if it were the high point of her week. She tells the kid they call the dog "Clarkie." "We don't call him 'Clarkie,'" Clark says. "Is it the 'ie' part you don't like?" Lois asks him. Lois says they could just call him "Clark," which could get confusing. "Maybe you should change your name," she suggests. Lois has got shtick, I'll give her that. "You could be Skipper!" she concludes. Clark ignores her with an "Anyway," and asks the kid if he can scan the ID chip in the dog. The kid gulps nervously and takes CuteEinstein to do just that. As he approaches the dog menacingly with a scan gun, CuteEinstein barks at him.

Roger: I'd be barking, too. Those things give you cancer.
Omar: Cancer?
Roger: Yeah. Right in the ass.

Lois tells the kid that the dog doesn't seem to be feelin' the love. Clark takes the gun and scans CuteEinstein himself. Lois suddenly sneezes. Young Thief blesses her, which signals that he's the nicer of the two thieves. Mean thieves never bless you unless it's to try to distract you while they take your wallet. The computer picks up the chip signal. It says, "LuthorCorp -- Registered Owner Found." Sure, yes, but did it really need to have the LuthorCorp logo embedded on it, too? "Huh," says Young Thief, sagely. Young Thief suggests that he might be a lab dog. Labrador Dog? Young Thief says he'd be happy to take CuteEinstein off their hands. Clark brushes him off and says they'll care of it themselves. Young Thief stops them as they leave, asking for a name and address, in case LuthorCorp calls. "It's policy," he tells them. Clark gives the leash to Lois and says he's going to go talk to Lex. Sexy! And about four weeks overdue. Lois takes CuteEinstein and says they'll go sneeze a while. "Heel, Clarkie," Lois commands, just to annoy Clark one more time before she leaves. It works. Clark does a slow burn, then fills out his personal information on the clipboard. Hey, why does this have check-boxes for "Top" or "Bottom"?

Some creepy exam area in the back of the animal shelter. There's a small tray of vials with green liquid in them. Mean Thief is looking at a set of papers. Young Thief enters the room and tells him who just showed up. Mean Thief chuckles and tells his little brother that's good news. Good for him. Boring for me. Mean Thief says he was worried they were going to have to rob the truck with "just this dummy." He takes a stick and rattles it around the wire of the other dog's cage, which also has glowing blue neon tubes around it. That's an expensive pet carrier. Ugly Rottweiler barks.

Omar: What was your motivation for getting so angry here?
Roger: I read the entire script just before this scene. It aroused in me an anger I've never felt before -- not even when I appeared on Still Standing last season.

Young Thief gets all sympathetic and asks his older brother why he gotta be like that. Mean Thief looks at him angrily and asks, "What do you care? It's just a dog." Young Thief asks how the dog is doing. Mean Thief says he has a few hours left in him. He picks up a needle gun and takes an empty vial out of it. Mean Thief says they have a few hours to get CuteEinstein back, shoot the dogs up, and have their strength up by the day. Young Thief puts his hands in his pockets and asks why "you guys" couldn't get the effect to last longer. "I don't know," Mean Thief says bitterly. "I was just a trainer." He laughs it off and says the plan is on track. He suggests that they close up shop. Young Thief grabs his materials, including a huge binder that reads "LuthorCorp Security Manual," and prepares for whatever's . The binder holds a single sheet in it that says, "Allow all visitors in all the time."

Commercials. Those mark-down happy-face creatures on the Wal-Mart ads are some crazy motherfuckers. They're like, "Ten-speed bike? $2.99! Human baby? 99 cents! The world belongs to us, bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Lair of Lex. Lex's majordomo opens up the double doors and gives a little bow as Jane Seymour, wearing an extreme fur coat, enters the room. Lex, wearing his now-normal suit with a white shirt and slick tie, greets her and says that if she's looking for Jason, he was sent to Metropolis on business. Jane Seymour, who has something weird going on with her teeth that I can't figure out (maybe it's that they look so perfect I suspect some fakery), says she's there to see Lex. He tells her he didn't know they had more business to discuss. She gives him a sexy/creepy up-and-down look. "Drink?" he asks. Her kooky sideways grin remains.

Jane Seymour takes off her coat and asks if her son was a good hire. "Excellent," Lex says. "He's taken a real passion for the project I've given him." Project: Lex's Knob. Lex pours Jane Seymour some brandy. She surmises that the project Lex gave Jason doesn't involve his moving out of Smallville. Lex says that's highly doubtful. "I underestimated you, Lex," says Jane Seymour. Wasn't it obvious that if Lex hired Jason, Jason would stick around? How is this some brilliant coup? She takes a sip of brandy. Lex says it's a common mistake -- underestimating him. He drinks, too. Jane says it's not a mistake she usually makes. She circles around this sexy bald pole of a man while saying that headstrong young men have become her blind spot. She means Lex and her son? Is that supposed to be creepy like it sounds? She makes a full 180 around Lex, who has to turn around to talk to her again. Jane's in the foreground now, and Lex is in the back as we get a reverse angle. Lex wonders why she's complaining if she's the one who wanted Lex to hire Jason. Jane says she wanted that so that Jason would break up with Lana: "Instead, you decided to co-opt him." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Lex steps up to Jane Seymour's face and tells her that paranoia isn't an attractive quality in a woman. Ooh, snap! He just called her, "Dr. Quinn: Paranoid Hag"! One of her eyes goes all astray as she leans closer and says she's just trying to protect her son. "Well, maybe you should get together with my father and write a parenting book," Lex suggests, "I bet it'd be a best-seller." The brandy may be wet, but the wit is bone-dry up in here. Lex leaves her to ponder that one. "Children's book...Papa Luthor and I?...Oohhh. I have been dissed." Jane dangles the information about how Papa Luthor got out of prison. Lex doesn't care. He's chosen to believe that his father has truly been reformed. Or at least, that's what he says. "But it's great seeing you again," Lex concludes. She puts the drink down on his desk and says, "You too, Lex." Seriously, what is up with her Revenge of the Joker smile? She asks Lex to give her best to Jason, and says it's a shame Jason won't be able to help him find what he's looking for. Hot ass? I think Lex is waist-deep in it. Jane gives Lex a Dynasty look over her shoulder and exits. After she does, Lex pulls up the Super-Secret French Map on his laptop. They're hiding me Lucky Charms!

Kent house at night. MamaKent and Bo are preparing dinner while CuteEinstein watches them both, hungrily. As they're talking about how strong he is, he gets distracted by some food on the dinner table. MamaKent starts saying it might be nice for Clark to have a dog: "It's been kind of a lonely year for him." And for Lex. Bo asks what'll happen when Clark goes off to college year. Bo complains that he'll have to take care of the dog. Yeah, it's such a burden, taking care of a dog on a farm and all. MamaKent calls for Lois to come downstairs for dinner. She and Bo hear something shatter. They investigate and find the kitchen table completely destroyed. CuteEinstein is eating some grub on the floor to it. "Hey hey hey HEY!" Bo bellows. MamaKent does an open-mouth stare. "You see?" Bo yells at MamaKent. MamaKent reasons that Clark did that when he was three. "It's not funny," Bo tells her. He goes to try to get the dog away from the food. Lois comes down the stairs, flopping along with very little undergarment support, and asks what happened. Well, the cameraman just went for a spontaneous break and nobody's seen him since. "It's my T-bone!" Bo is yelling at the dog. T-bone! Bo extricates the steak, coming up with just a sad bone. MamaKent is enjoying this. "Bad dog," Bo says. The cows would never, ever do that to Bo's dinner.

Lair of Lex. Lex is rubbing the tip of his pool cue with blue chalk. Clark walks in. "Clark," says Lex. "Grab a stick, I was just about to break." My Smallville Gay Detector has been out of service for so long that this sudden burst of energy fries it completely, blowing up the circuits and dimming the lights in my house.

Roger: Whoa! Looks like there's still enough T-bone to go around!

Clark ignores the blatant ass-play invitation and asks Lex straight-up if they're doing experiments on dogs at LuthorCorp. Lex gives Clark an appraising look, then tells him it's not really any of Clark's business. Clark tells Lex he found a dog with a LuthorCorp ID tag. "Are you?" Clark asks. In love? Lex tells Clark that when he took over the company, he found quite a few irregular experiments at his dad's business. One of them was animal testing. Lex aims his stick and breaks. Clark watches the breaking and gets a naughty idea. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex tells Clark that they were mixing meteor rock with steroids to create canine super-strength. Clark asks what Papa Luthor would want with super-powered dogs. The best Westminster Dog Show ever! Lex shoots again, and says that if he understood his dad's insanity, he'd be a much happier man. Lex thinks there might be "military applications," but that the results were inconclusive. He had animal-rights activists protesting, so he shut the site down. Wouldn't Clark have heard about those protests before? "I was told the dogs were destroyed," Lex says. "Evidently, not all of them," Clark says. Lex asks if the dog has any problems. "Is that your way of asking me if the dog has super-strength?" Clark asks, suddenly suspicious and assheaded. "No," Lex says slyly. He tells Clark that he assumes he'd be told that, because if it's true, he'd have "quite a liability on [his] hands." Clark only says that the dog is perfectly healthy -- lying, as usual, by omission. Lex says that, in that case, the Kent Farm will be a perfect home for him. Clark and Lex stare at each other. The fireworks are gone, huh?

Kent house. MamaKent and Lois are on the floor cleaning up the mess CuteEinstein made. MamaKent says she guesses it'll just be sandwiches for dinner tonight. There's a growling coming from outside. CuteEinstein notices it first. Outside, Bo is dumping some garbage. He hears a branch snap and turns. Mean Ugly Rottweiler suddenly hops a fence and starts running for Bo.

Roger: There I go! Look at my damn ears! That's where the tape came off. But look here how I jump at Bo and chomp him straight on the forearm. You can't teach that to these young bitches coming up. That's years of experience.

Omar: What did Bo's arm taste like?
Roger: Like stale breadsticks from the Olive Garden.

Rottweiler and Bo struggle on the ground. Inside, CuteEinstein jumps into action. Instead of waiting for someone to open the door, he goes all Cujo and jumps through the window in the kitchen door. Nice one, Einstein. He runs to the fracas, and then he and Rottweiler face down. Lots of bared teeth.

Omar: Scary!
Roger: I call this my "Charlize Theron" moment. I gained a few pounds here to make my jowls look full, and they used some brown makeup to make my face look blotchy. We put some Vaseline on my teeth to make them shiny.

The two dogs face down. Wow, CuteEinstein looks pretty vicious. MamaKent and Lois come out of the house, MamaKent screaming hysterically. Bo tells her to stay back. Rottweiler barks loudly. MamaKent picks up a stick and yells at him to get away. "No!" Bo yells at her. He likes this too much. "Get away!" she screams. Rottweiler barks at her. The two dogs stare at each other. We hear a whistle. Rottweiler turns and scampers off. CuteEinstein goes after him. MamaKent and Lois go to help Bo. Where was Clark in all this? Bo grunts and struggles as CuteEinstein comes back and gives him the sad-eyes. The whistle blows again. CuteEinstein leaves to follow it. Bo winces. Commercials.

Omar: Not bad.
Roger: Yeah, you know, I wish we'd had a little more time to rehearse it. They had to do a lot of inserts in the editing to get it there. I don't like all this cut, cut, cut, you know? I'm a professional. Give me one take, and I'll get it done. This isn't a rap video, you know? Just let us dog actors do our job.
Omar: What was the cast like to work with?
Roger: Oh, you know, they were great. Annette O'Toole -- now there's a lady with some class. And that John Schneider guy. He knows how to treat a dog. He keeps some beef jerky strips in his trailer and he let me have all I could eat.
Omar: What about Erica Durance?
Roger: You know, when they told me how old she was, playing this young woman, I thought they meant it in dog years. Boy, was I wrong.

Smallville secrets on your cell phone. Let me know when they text-message someone with the reason this season is starting to suck so bad.

Smallville Medical Center. I think there's a tile in the floor for every time I've recapped a scene set here. Bo, his arm in a sling, is talking to a doctor, who advises him, "Don't get bitten by a dog again." Bo thanks him for the wisdom, and meets Clark out in the hall. Nice save there, Clark. Bo's arm now looks like a pack of Snausages. Clark asks what the doctor said. He prescribed having a superhuman son around time to stop shit like this from happening. Bo adds that the doctor had never seen a dog bite where the dog bit through the bone. MamaKent is sympathetic for half a second, and then shows Bo a copy of the Smallville Ledger. "Man mauled in bizarre break-in," reads the headline in all-caps. The front-page art shows the outside of the co-op with nothing going on. This newspaper sucks. Clark says the store owner is in a coma and the police think a bear attacked him, based on its being a creature who could chew through a steel door. Like a bear? "You think it was the dogs," Bo asks Clark. Naw, Clark is liking that bear theory. Maybe there's a robotic race of bears with razor-sharp titanium jaws! That would be fucking COOL! Clark thinks someone is controlling these dogs and using them for crime. Oh. That's not so cool. Lois says that the only people who knew they had possession of CuteEinstein were Lex and the guy from the animal shelter. Lois doubts Lex is committing convenience-store robberies. Clark says they should investigate. Bo says weirdly that they should do that in the morning. He asks Clark for help signing out, shooing the women-folk away. Bo tells Clark that he thinks the dog might be dangerous, even to Clark. Clark wants to find who's behind the crimes. Bo says that doesn't matter; if the dogs were involved in the mauling, they're going to have to be put down. Yeah, with what giant rocket grenade? Clark makes a bullshit analogy about how his parents found him in a corn field and took him in even though he might have been dangerous. Did baby Clark maul the dude at the co-op? Bo wants them to give the canine a chance. "He's a good dog, Dad," Clark says.

Roger: ...but a terrible actor.
Omar: I think he's fine. He's a cute dog.
Roger: He's all pretty fur and eyes, fool. That dog wouldn't know Method if it came up and bit him in the tail. Which, in fact, I did on set. We had a few run-ins.
Omar: I guess I didn't really notice the deep layers and subtleties in your performance.
Roger: Are you making fun of me? Keep it up, biped.

The Talon at night. Jane Seymour, still in her Siberian Husky coat, is telling Jason, "I want you to leave with me tonight." Why...Mom...that's so...nasty. Jason hears my subtext, but says only "What?" Jason asks if it's because of the Countess. Jane looks away. "You know that name, don't you?" he asks. Didn't we establish that, like, ages ago? Gahhhh! Who cares about this storyline? It's freakin' BORING! All this talk about Countesses and tattoos and ancient witches and stupid maps. This is a show about Superman HOW? It's like they took everything that was pointless and boring about Lana, stuck it in a pot with some soil, watered and put it out in the sun, and grew another fucking boring and pointless chunk of the show about Lana, a horrible, four-legged baby with no teeth and a stink that would knock you to sleep! Jesus!

Anyway, Jane asks if that's what Lex has Jason doing -- researching witches. Jason tells his mom she's incapable of giving straight answers. Now he's working for a man who's incapable of giving straight glances. Jason says that when the Countess died, she vowed to get revenge through one of her descendants, Lana. She did? I thought we saw her die. I don't remember that vow. "You knew that, didn't you?" Jason asks his mom. Jason says she had him take Lana to the tomb because if she received the tattoo, they'd know she was "The One." What if they never took her to the tomb and she never was aware of the Countess and she lived her whole life oblivious and without getting revenge? What about that plan? Jason says it's now his fault that things are happening to Lana. Jane tries to touch his hand and tell him not to blame himself. He takes his hand away and stands, asking how his mother could use him like that. She tells him he's not safe in Smallville. "Well, I'm not leaving Lana," says Jason. Because the sex is so great. Oops! There is no sex. Because she's an awesome girl who completely trusts him. Wait, that's not true either. She's a snappy dresser? No? Nice skin? All right, we'll give her that. Jason must be in it for the Neutrogena. Jane says he may change his mind when he hears the rest of the story. Cue Paul Harvey. Jane says that the person who condemned Countess Thoreaux was a woman named Gertrude. The Countess vowed to wipe out all of Gertrude's heirs. Now listen very careful to Jane Seymour: "We're Gertrude's ancestors, Jason," she says. OOPS! That's pretty bad, folks. Maybe they're going backwards in time, like Memento. Or maybe there's so much incest in that family they've actually managed to completely reverse their lineage. Or progeny. I forget which one. "So you think that Lana's going to kill you?" Jason asks. No, weren't you listening? She's going to go back in time and kill your descendants! Jane says no. The Countess will, and who knows when she'll return. She's returning? Oh, fuck a stick in the Canadian forest. Jason says he's not leaving Lana again. "Then you're in love with a girl who may kill our entire family," Jane Seymour says. Well, you've got nothing to worry about then. You're an ancestor, long dead and buried. Upstairs at The Talon, Lana spies the conversation. Instead of going downstairs to see what's up or saying, "Hey, y'all! I'm up here!" she chooses to seethe privately about thecrets and lieth instead. In the privathy of her own aparthment.

A "No Trespassing" sign out in a snowy field. Clark hops a fence at the animal shelter facility. "What is this, an obstacle course?" Lois asks, on the wrong side of the fence. Clark breaks open a lock without too much trouble and sneaks inside. Lois makes it over the fence somehow and stops suddenly. "Oh! Crap!" she whines as she has just stepped in something. Clark smiles, loving the moment.

Inside the shelter, they look for wayward dogs. "Come here, boy!" Lois calls, and then sneezes. She asks if the dander could be any thicker in there. Lois tells Clark that she doesn't think the dog hurt the grocer. She says there was no blood on the guy. She brings up the name "Clarkie" again. Clark says they're not calling the dog that. He suggests the incriminating names "Bear" or "Bandit." "Uh, no and no," Lois responds. Clark spies two lockers. He does x-ray vision. Somehow his x-ray vision can pick up the text printed on the outside of a three-ring binder. Because the lettering is made of bone or steel or some shit. Whatever. I give up. It's the LuthorCorp Security Manual. Clark breaks into the locker and takes the binder. Lois asks what's in there. Clark has already figured out that it's LuthorCorp's payroll and that an armored truck is going to get hit. That's in the payroll? Clark tells Lois to call the police while he goes to catch the criminals. "What are you going to do, Forrest Gump?" Lois asks. "Run?" Lois says they can call the cops on the way as she drives. "You're so weird sometimes," she tells Clark. And you're so...freakin' Lois.

One slow-ass car ride later. Lois is driving 36 mph. Clark is squirming in his seat. He asks if she can go any faster. Lois says Clark was going to walk just a while ago. She says she doesn't want to hit anything. Clark has a spot marked on a map for their destination. "It should be right here," he tells Lois. She says it's not. Clark turns his head and uses his super-hearing. We travel...inside the actor's ear canal! There's a dog barking, and the two thieves are bickering about grabbing some money. Up the road, Clark tells Lois to turn left. She does. Clark tells Lois to stop. They bicker annoyingly about stopping. They're no Luke and Lorelai, I'll tell you that. Clark and Lois run to where they hear a dog barking.

At some sort of crappy old warehouse, the two thieves are transferring money from a security truck to their own ride. Dollar bills are loose and flying off. Clark and Lois try to be sneaky and watch what's going on. There are two security guards tied up. The thieves finish up and get into their van. Clark sneaks over. He and Lois manage to get behind the truck without being spotted. Clark tells Lois to go help the guards. She goes, also without being seen by these blind-as-shit criminals. Lois scurries hilariously. Clark forces open the door at the back of the van and gets in. He sees CuteEinstein in his neon cage. Clark also sees Mean Ugly Rottweiler in the other cage. Clark tells his buddy dog that they'll get him out of there. Clark pushes a button. CuteEinstein's cage swings open. As it does, the vial of green substances fall and crash. There's glowing Kryptonite everywhere. Clark gasps and sits hard on his ass. CuteEinstein gets out and waits for him. The truck starts to move with Clark still inside. The dog follows. Lois says, helpfully, "Clark?" Clark lies on the floor of the van as it takes off. The dog follows. The van door swings shut. The van rounds a rural corner. We go to commercials.

Summerland. They brought that show back? Seriously? Why?

The big UPS-looking van with Clark in it arrives at its destination. Clark, inside, still looks sick. Young Thief asks, outside, what the barking is about. It's a folk tale, really: a dog story about sledding through the Adirondacks. Mean Thief says it doesn't matter. They're going to burn the truck, the dogs, everything, to get rid of evidence. Young Thief is like, "We're gonna -- what!?" Mean Thief says they'll be in The Keys before anyone knows they're gone. He opens the rear doors of the van. They notice right away that CuteEinstein is gone. They open the other door to reveal a nauseated Clark. Young Thief remembers Clark from the animal shelter. "Well, well, well," says Mean Thief. They taught him that at Villain of the Week Correspondence Class as well as phrases like, "Well, what do we have here?" and "Well, look what the cat dragged in." It's in a course titled, "Nonplussed Villain Reactions to Finally Coming Face to Face With a Hero."

CuteEinstein trudges through the snow, thinking, "Kansas, my ass." He sees dirty dealings where the van is parked and heads that way. But he's slick about it.

Mean Thief is dousing the van in gasoline. Young Thief carries money bags to a waiting sports car. CuteEinstein hangs back to see what the score is.

The back of the van. They've locked Clark in CuteEinstein's former cage. "You just had to be a hero, didn't you?" Mean Thief asks, adding, "Sometimes heroes get burned." More gasoline is poured. Rottweiler, in his cage, whines. Young Thief looks like he's not too pleased with what's about to happen. He takes the last money bags and asks if his brother is sure about this. He whines that this wasn't part of the plan. Mean Thief says the plan is working. They have the money and they're almost gone. After some prodding, Young Thief agrees that he's not going to wuss out.

The dog from Dean R. Koontz's Watchers...er, I mean, "CuteEinstein from Smallville" comes down closer to the van. He looks from the criminals, over by the Camaro, to the van with Clark stuck in it. The dog wisely decides against trying to drive the Camaro. CuteEinstein barks at the cage where Clark is not being held. It fails to open by bark-password. CuteEinstein looks at the four green buttons nearby and pushes one that opens Clark's cage. Clark spills out in a heap. CuteEinstein pulls Clark by his jacket, out and away from the spilled Kryptonite.

Roger: Hey! What about me? I'm here, too! How about pushing another button, freakin' genius?
Omar: Dude, I know.
Roger: Is the show always like this?
Omar: Oh, man, don't even get me started.

Clark, now lying on the cold ground, starts to regain a bit of his strength. He gets up and slides around to the other side of the van, slipping as he goes. CuteEinstein licks him in the face. Clark breathes heavily.

The two thieves walk back toward the doggie van. Mean Thief lights up a torch he pulls from a stash in a tote bag. "Make a wish, little brother," he says. He tosses the torch at the van. It starts going up in flames. There's barking and howling from within.

Roger: Asshooooooles!

Rottweiler whines as things get a little hot for him. CuteEinstein watches it. The two thieves turn and Clark is right there. "Going somewhere?" he asks. Mean Thief starts to say, "Yeah, man, we got a bunch of money and -- oh. You're gonna throw us thirty feet, huh?" Clark grabs the two of them and throws them thirty feet against the wood side of a house. A wood side of a house that wobbles and bounces noticeably when they hit it. Seriously, it looks like a giant WWE wrestling mat. It's hilarious.

Roger: I tried to tell them. And you know what they said? "Shut up. You're a dog." Well who's screwing the pooch now, Smallville?

Clark and CuteEinstein regard each other over some fire. They hear the tortured barks of the Rottweiler from the van. CuteEinstein jumps into the van and pushes a button he could have pushed a while ago without incident. Rottweiler escapes. CuteEinstein, still in the van, is faced with much higher flames now. Rottweiler barks to get Clark's attention. Then he runs off. Clark superzips all of three feet to get closer to the situation. He zips inside the van, grabs CuteEinstein, and jumps out at normal speed. Clark bends over and covers CuteEinstein as the van explodes. That's a big damn explosion. CGI debris and flames engulf them. Clark sits on his ass. CuteEinstein licks him. He laughs. So, uh, what happened to the Rottweiler? And the criminals? Did they get crispy in there? Commercials.

Roger: There was a draft of the script, where I become a guard dog at LuthorCorp, but it got cut for time. As it is, I like that they leave my ending ambiguous. Do I come back? Am I dead? Who knows, right? Maybe I'll show up again, like that Jonathan Taylor Thomas, scheming my way back to screw Clark somehow.

Omar: But it seems like your dog is redeemed at the end. He tries to help CuteEinstein from dying.
Roger: [Sigh] Why are you fucking up my chances of coming back as a villain, Omar?
Omar: I'm not, I'm just saying --
Roger: Listen, you. I'm not a pup anymore. I don't get chances like this all the time. Don't get in my way, all right?
Omar: Jeez, man, it's not like you were the special guest star this week or anything.
Roger: What was that? What did you say to me?
Omar: Look, never mind, I'm sorry. You're right. I hope your character comes back and they build a whole episode around the dog that used to be bad but now he's is somewhat a normal ugly Rottweiler. Maybe they'll air it during sweeps.
Roger: That's it. ROWR! RAAAARRR! BARK!
Omar: Hey, calm down.
Roger: GRRROOOWWWWWRR! AARRF!
Omar: Hey, what are you -- let go! OWW!
Roger: GGRROOOORRRRUFF! CHOMP!
Omar: OOOWWW! My arm! My beautiful typing arm! You bit me, you asshole!
Roger: That's right, you arm. I'm outta here, you freakin' jerk. And I haven't had my shots recently. Have a nice rabies.

Man. That dog was MEAN! Glad my kittens were visiting the vet. He could have really scared them. Anyway, we come back to Clark at the barn with CuteEinstein. The dog is being examined by a vet who doesn't look thirteen years old, and who tells Clark that he's heard this dog is something of a hero. At least he doesn't bite recappers in the fucking arm. Clark says he hopes he gets to keep the dog. He asks the vet whether he noticed anything unusual about CuteEinstein. "Like what?" the vet asks. Clark says he seems really strong and likes to get into things. Also, Clark thinks he may be bi-curious. The vet says that, if anything, the dog seems to have below-average strength. Ooh, that sucks. The vet says Clark's got a perfectly healthy dog. He asks if Clark's got a name. "I was thinking of calling him Krypto," Clark says. Klepto? What? Lex hovers at the doorway just then. "Interesting name," he says. The vet, sensing the sexual dynamite of Clark + Lex + barn, says hastily, "Well, I'd better be going. I'll let you two do the Devil's work." Five minutes later, the vet will realize he forgot to get paid. "Krypto," Lex repeats. "What does it mean?" The dog growls at Lex. "Friendly," Lex observes. Clark bullshits that it's because the dog's background is so...Cryptic. Yeah. Nice one, Clark. Lex thinks, "I can't believe I used to worship this dumb-ass." Lex says he went out to the scene of the explosion. He says that from the look of the back of the security truck, it must have been the work of very strong dogs. Clark says Lex told him he could keep the dog, since the experiment failed. Lex says that if the experiment didn't fail, the dog could be dangerous. Clark says he's not dangerous now: "He saved my life. I'll take my chances on his loyalty." How exactly did Clark explain what happened with the explosion and the life-saving? CuteEinstein nuzzles a bit with Clark, who smiles. Lex sure misses that smile.

The Talon. Lana pours a cup of coffee for Chloe, who asks Lana why she was researching Jason's family tree for her the night before. Lana tells Chloe that she saw Jason downstairs at The Talon talking to his mom. She says it was a heated discussion. When he came upstairs, he didn't mention the exchange. And you didn't ask? Passive-aggressive much? Chloe asks if Lana heard what they were talking about. Lana says it rattled Jason. Jason is keeping something from her. Thecrets! Lieth! Lana says she doesn't know who she can trust anymore. "So did you find anything?" she asks the trustworthy Chloe. Chloe says she can only go as far back as Jason's mother's grandmother. How about "Jason's great great grandmother"? She says that, after that, it seems like the family tree was chopped off. Chloe says she comes from a town called Castelnois de Montmiral. Lana stares at a piece of paper. She says that it's the town where Lana comes from. And Countess Thoreaux. Lana gets the word "ancestors" right. Chloe says that Jason's people were the ones who moved the Countess's remains into a church. Lana asks why they'd move a witch's remains into a church. My wife, who hasn't been watching, hears that bit and says, "A witch? Whaaaat?" Exactly. Chloe thinks that's something Lana should ask Jason. Oh, yes, please let's have that scene. I'm begging. I must have resolution of this storyline! It's killing me! Fucking hell.

Lair of Lex. Jason walks in to find a fluffy-headed Papa Luthor reading the newspaper on a sofa. Wow, that man's got a great head of hair. Papa Luthor says that Lex isn't there. He asks Jason how the research is going. Jason pretends not to know what he means. Papa Luthor asks about the Countess. He chuckles when Jason doesn't respond. Papa says he put together the connections of why Jason was hired. Man, Papa's really got a little fro going. He looks Jason up and down. Mmoowwwr. Papa Luthor says that Jason can't trust his mother. He tells him he also can't trust Lex. "I suppose I can trust you, though," Jason says skeptically. Papa Luthor hands Jason a manila envelope. He asks Jason to open it. Papa Luthor sits back down with his newspaper as Jason does. It's a Xerox of the manuscript map that Lex had hunted down. "I think it might help you," Papa Luthor says. He smiles as he keeps reading The Daily Planet.

The Barnness of Epilogueitude. Clark has just finished putting up a beam, whose metal bolt wobbles insecurely. Nice job there, Mr. Handyman. "Done," Clark announces. In the background, Lois is giving CuteEinstein a bath with a bucket. Lois says that now Clark has to fix the dining-room table, the fence...she sneezes. The dog shakes off the water, getting Lois all wet. Lois says she thought the bath was supposed to help with her allergies. Clark says maybe she's allergic to the soap. "Maybe I'm allergic to you," she tells him. She asks Clark for a towel. He hands her a soft red one. She covers the dog with it and asks what they're calling the dog. He lobs the "Krypto" name. "Why, because he's so cryptic like you?" Lois asks sarcastically. "I don't think so." Oops. Lois says she thinks it's dumb. She tells Clark he can call his dog Krypto. She throws out some names: "Max, Lucky, Rocky, Bailey, Scamp, Monty...Bud?" Hee. Bo and MamaKent walk in. Bo bellows that Clark will have to pick one of those if he wants to keep CuteEinstein. "Really?" Clark asks. "Come here, boy," MamaKent says as the dog, wearing the faux red cape, comes to her. MamaKent says that they had a dog that looked just like him when she was a girl. She says his name was Shelby. "I can live with that," Lois says. "Well, it beats Clarkie," Clark says. Really? Shelby? Wow. Huh. The dog shakes at Bo and MamaKent, making them laugh. "Come on, Shelby!" Clark says, grabbing a yellow Frisbee and heading outside, ignoring Lois and his parents. Out in the snow, Clark plays Frisbee with "Shelby." Shelby's pretty good at it. Happy music plays as the camera cranes out of there with Clark and the dog continuing to play.

Well, thanks to my vicious guest, Roger, for stopping by. I'll be sending you my doctor's bill.

week: the freakin' HELL!? The cast travels, apparently, to the Orient where Lana learns wire combat. It really looks like the mostly ghastly preview ever. I have a feeling it's going to be one for the ages. For Roger to POOP ON!