You know what they say about a dog of an episode? This one is a dog of a dog episode. But to help us get through it, I was able to find a special guest recapper this week. His name is Roger, and he plays "Mean Ugly Rottweiler" in this episode. Roger lives with his owners, the Moores, in Vancouver. He'll fill us in a bit about the behind-the-scenes work. He doesn't have super-strength in real life as his character did in "Krypto," but he can talk.
Omar: Hi Roger! How are you today?
Roger: Hey, Omar. Thanks for inviting me.
Omar: Your full name is Roger...Moore?
Roger: My owners thought it would be cute. It's not.
Omar: You play "Mean Ugly Rottweiler" in this episode, but you're actually quite a handsome dog.
Roger: That was all CGI and prosthetics. I do have ears, as you can see. They held them down with double-sided tape. The same kind they use for boobies on award shows.
Omar: Great -- well, let's get started.
Roger: Yeah, let's rip into this one.
We open at night as a security truck pulls in to a cornucopia-decorated sign that reads "Smallville Co-op." The WB mocks me cruelly by letting me know that the show is available in HD, but fails to mention that I live too far from town to pick it up on my antenna. Yeah, I know it's in HD. Sadly, how I know. Two young guys stop in front of the co-op. The older of the two says, "Let's do this."
Cut to someone opening a safe via a combination lock. An older gent pulls the handle on the safe and opens it to reveal a bunch of boring-looking papers. Hey, is that an octagonal disc in there? Just then, the door to his shop opens. "Be right with you," the crouching grocer says as he closes the safe. He stands up. Looks toward the produce. "Hello?" he calls out. There's nobody around. He looks down and sees two dogs on the other side of the counter. Both look friendly enough and are panting. One is our pal, "Mean Ugly Rottweiler." The other is a very handsome...uh...I'm terrible with breeds...a Labrador? Cocker spaniel?
Roger: He's an asshole, is what he is.
Omar: Oh, you two didn't get along?
Roger: Let's just say Queen Krypto over there thought his poop logs didn't stink, if you know what I mean.
Omar: He was a bit of a prima donna?
Roger: You should have seen the size of his trailer! He had a freakin' plasma screen in there! Not that I'm bitter. I'm all about the work.
“ Oh Heavenly Dog over here takes the night deposit pouch with his teeth and runs off with it. Grocer Guy is like, 'Heeeey! OH! I'm supposed to be scared!' ”
"Hey fellas," says the soon-to-be-mauled grocer. Mean Ugly Rottweiler jumps on the counter and growls menacingly. The grocer jumps back, scared. Rottweiler barks. Scary!
Roger: Look at that! I look freakin' fantastic! They did a great job with the makeup. And look at my teeth!
Omar: Do you have to have those brushed a lot?
Roger: Those aren't mine. They're falsies.
While Rottweiler is still barking, the handsome brown dog goes around the corner. He puts his jaw to the safe's handle and pulls. It comes apart like a tender baby back rib. Oh Heavenly Dog over here takes the night deposit pouch with his teeth and runs off with it. Grocer Guy is like, "Heeeey! OH! I'm supposed to be scared!" Grocer pulls out a shotgun from under the counter and cocks it. He looks like he's going to take a shot at the cute brown dog. But Ugly Rottweiler is right there to make short work of the shotgun. He bites into it, and as the Grocer struggles, the gun bends neatly. The Grocer gets up and runs, leaving the ruined shotgun behind. Rottweiler gives chase. Grocer manages to get to the room and close a sliding door between them. The Rottweiler starts punching through the heavy door.
Roger: I improv'ed a bit where I go, "Heeeere's JOHNNY!," but the director thought it was too over-the-top. Maybe it'll be on the DVD.
Omar: Yeah, that would be, uh...great.
Roger: Hey, you shut the fuck up, recap-boy. You weren't there. It was fantastic.
Rottweiler keeps punching through. Grocer backs away like a thousand feet, never taking his eyes off the door to, say, look for a weapon or call for help. Rottweiler pokes his snout through a gap in the broken door.
Roger: Right there! That was it! My line! You can see my lips move! I can't believe they looped growling over me. Those assholes.
The Rottweiler suddenly disappears from view. Grocer starts to think he's safe, but then with what looks like a mild tap from his front paw, Rottweiler knocks down the door. Rottweiler runs at Grocer and starts mauling him. As I'm typing this, Roger is staring at the screen, drooling.
Omar: What are you doing?
Roger: Sorry. It's Pavlovian. They put barbecue sauce on that guy's arm so I'd really get into the scene. I can't watch it without getting hungry.
The younger of the two guys who drove up in the truck blows on a whistle. Rottweiler suddenly stops what he's doing and responds to the whistle by following its sound. Grocer moans in the background. The two guys, whom we can surmise are thieves employing very, very cheap dog labor, are standing outside the store in plain view. Alibi? What's that? Witnesses? Never heard of them. "Hercules!" says Young Thief, as the Rottweiler returns to him. He finds blood on the dog's snout. Ruh-oh. "What happened in there?" Young Thief asks Older Mean Thief. Mean Thief says he doesn't know, and tells him to get the dog inside. Young Thief opens the back of the truck and leads the Rottweiler to a metal cage. He closes the door on it. It's got very high-tech buttons for a pet carrier. Young Thief asks where "Einstein" went. To Heaven? He blows his whistle again.
We cut to Lois Lane, driving in the dark and leaving a message on Chloe's voicemail. Lois tells Chloe that she's officially moved out of the dorms and headed to the Kent house. She asks Chloe to bring her mail that's been sent to Chloe's. She hangs up, and as she's putting down the phone, the brown dog, Einstein, crosses the road. We don't see the car actually hit the dog, but it looks like that's what happens. Lois stops the car. She looks behind her and sees the dog lying in the road. "Oh my God, what have I done?" she asks herself. Overstayed your welcome on this show? She gets out of the SUV, tells the dog they're going to get help, picks up the huge mass, and takes it to the SUV. "I know you're going to be fine," Lois says. "Everyone I've ever hit was all right." She sneezes. It is neither cute nor funny.
Opening credits. Still no Lois. I'm going to take that as a good sign.
Kent Farm at night. A light goes on upstairs. Downstairs, on a couch, an awakening Clark pushes aside a soft-looking bright red blanket to figure out what's making noise in the middle of the night. Bo walks into the room, too, from what appears to be the front door. Oh, Bo. Tell us you weren't out "Midnight Milking" again. Bo shushes Clark and sneaks toward the kitchen, where there's clattering. We reveal: CuteEinstein, who has somehow gotten a Tupperware container out of the fridge and has opened it on the floor. He's chomping on meat and veggies. A chain tied around his neck has been broken. Lois walks in through the kitchen door holding some boxes. She asks Clark and Bo what they're doing up. They glance at the noisy dog. He chew chew chews the steak. Lois says that the dog is supposed to be tied up in the barn. Nice job, Lois. She says she tied him to a post while she was getting stuff out of her car. She smiles sheepishly. CuteEinstein is like, "This is all very interesting, but, CHOMP!"