Big Superman On Campus

S04E13

By Omar G

The new kittens are running around the house and wrestling, I just poured myself my first morning cup of coffee, and my bitterness about KentFan is behind me...or is it?

We open on the most industrial-looking college campus ever. Then again, I haven't seen that many college campuses, and the one I graduated from is in Oklahoma, of all places. They done teached me good. The campus building sits nested amid the big fake buildings of Metropolis. Inside, somebody is pouring a bottle of Cuervo into some tall shot glasses, and the tequila is landing more on the bar than in the shot glasses. Which is probably a good thing. For those of you white co-eds under age twenty-two, I'm going to let you in on a little secret my people (the brown ones) have been keeping from your people (at least the white ones): Cuervo sucks. You know how you hear all those horror stories about getting sick on tequila? That's because the person was drinking crappy tequila full of impurities. Good tequila (Patron, say, or Don Julio) doesn't have that kind of effect. You can sip it all night and you won't get that sick, horrible feeling you get when you're hungover on the cheap stuff. So time you make a run for Tijuana to buy some liquor, for God's sake buy something other than Cuervo, all right?

Now, back to our show: a huge Metropolis Bulldogs logo adorns a wall as some girl fends off frat boys with a pillow in a giggly fight. It will not end well. As we pan across the very large party room, other folks are dancing to some Fatboy Slim, which is all right in my book. The camera does some loopy things before settling down to a large table where a bunch of guys are taking shots in unison. Everyone throws dollar bills down on the table. Across from the boys, Lois Lane -- who looks at this moment an awful lot like Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy -- has taken her own shot and wears what appears to be...good God, that's a pajama top! I think I'm going to be sick!

Just as we see Lois, one of the guys across the table facing her falls down in a heap. His dudes help him up as Lois smiles triumphantly. "You guys okay?" Lois slurs. "You want a cracker to help keep it down?" This is just sad, sad, sad. The two guys left -- one of whom looks like the titular bulldog of logo fame, the other of whom looks like Christian Bale's little brother -- appear worried. "Drink," says Li'l Bale. Lois, her eyes all unfocused and drunk, smiles even more slyly than before. The two guys and Lois raise their shotglasses. They take their shots. The camera moves to Bulldog. He starts breathing heavily. It looks like he's going to purge. The people around him start whooping as he holds his mouth, gets up, and runs off. Thank you, Smallville, for sparing us a re-enactment of the Lard-Ass scene from Stand By Me.

Lois warns the last boy sitting that that this isn't "Suzy Sorority" he's playing with. She pronounces "playing" as "plying," which I guess works too. She says she's had vodka with Russian generals, and had black and tans with British battalion troops. So Lois was a big ole Army base slut? I freeze-frame on Lois's duck lips, hideous pajama top, and completely white eyes as her eyes are half-closed. It's not exactly the image of Lois Lane I grew up with. Li'l Bale tells Lois to stop talking. I love this guy. "Start drinking," he advises instead. People around them lay some more money on the table. Lois and Li'l Bale raise their shot glasses. "What are you doing, man?" says Luke from The O.C. He grew his hair out. He tells Li'l Bale that they have physicals coming up. Bale suggests that Luke ask him if he gives a rat's ass. Luke says, "All right, do you give a -- HEY!" Lois asks whether Li'l Bale is going to drink up or shut up. I think you were the one who was told to shut up, here, guy. Luke tries to restore order. He says he's gotta get up "brutally early" the morning because they've got a recruit coming. He doesn't say he's going to pick up the recruit in Smallville, as will actually happen. Lois rolls her eyes. Li'l Bale and Lois go on about their business. "Dude, you've had enough," says Luke. "I'm not even tipsy, asswipe," says Bale. This guy RULES! Can we keep him? Bale's hand starts to shake. His hand and the shotglass land on the table. He collapses on his side. Lois, her eyes lazy, drinks her shot. Lots of cheers. She puts her glass down. There are three other glasses. Four shots? That's it? Luke shakes his head and helps his compadre up. Lois grins goofily. We're letting this lady jerkoff represent the future of investigative journalism?

On the street, Lois must smell like shit, because I can't imagine why else there aren't ten guys ready to "escort her home." Instead, she walks by herself down the street to her dorm. She's wearing hideous bunny slippers, and her white pajamas appear to have pictures of giant dishes of food on them. All she needs is four kittens tangled in her hair and the vision of old lady madness will be complete. She raises her arms to her sides. "Deep breaths. Fresh air," she chants to herself. "The world is not spinning." Li'l Bale, also wobbly on his feet, asks her to wait up. Why didn't Luke take him home? Lois asks if he shouldn't be in Pink Elephant Land right now. Bale says he's got another game, only this one they'll both win. "Come on baby," he says, leaning forward. "Gimme some." Lois suggests hide and seek. He'll hide and she'll count to a billion. She walks away. He follows her and asks her to "not be like that." Lois reminds him that he already has a girlfriend. Bale walks up to her, puts a hand on her shoulder, and spins her around. Lois responds by shaking that hand off and kicking him flat in the chest. He falls flat on his ass on the street and writhes, moaning: "Hey, that hurt!" He's moving around and doesn't look too badly damaged. Lois says that hide and seek would have been more fun. She goes home in her fugly pajamas.

Sunlight streams in to Lois's nicely furnished but messy dorm room. The alarm clock reads 7:20. There's a knock at her door. Lois, groggy, and cuddling one of her bunny slippers, rolls over. She tells the person at the door to go away. Whoever it is keeps knocking. Lois rouses herself. She starts to threaten the person at the door and complaining that it's 7 AM. How does she know if she didn't look at the clock? At the door are two police officers. She asks them not to talk so loud. The police officer tells Lois that she had an altercation the night before. Lois laughs off the chest-kicking incident. The police officer tells her that the boy is paralyzed: "You're under arrest." The other cop passes awkwardly into the shot, and then gets behind her to cuff her. Lois's smart-ass smile finally fades.

Opening credits.

The cows outside Kent Farm. One of them thinks, "I feel unusually well-fed this week." Inside the barn, Bo is helping Clark pack some belongings into a "Crows" tote bag. Bo says he may have given Clark his blessing on this, but that the whole thing makes him uneasy. Old men and teenagers together on an island off the coast of Greece sunbathing and drawing numbers to see who comes out of the bathhouse alive? I dunno, Clark. Something just...doesn't...sit...well. Clark pops the bubble on my Crete theory and says that they've been watching Metropolis U. games since he was a wee lad; now the team is knocking on Clark's door. Front door, I hope. Bo grabs Clark's bag and starts walking, saying he understands that, and he's proud. Clark asks why he can't have a shot at what every high-school boy dreams of having. Carmen Electra? Bo says that Clark isn't like other high-school kids. His skin is softer, for one thing. Clark says that, on the field, he's the same. He says he's not using his abilities, and he could be the new starting quarterback for Metropolis U. Given that Clark has been playing more basketball that football on this show over time, I find that claim dubious. Bo says that Clark will be under a magnifying glass. Clark says he's pulled it off before. Bo puts down Clark's bag in frustration. He says that Met. U. isn't like Smallville High. He says it's a bigger stage with bigger problems. With mo' money. Clark says that Bo always told him not to walk away from something just because it's a challenge. Bo, with a big sigh, regrets ever saying such bullshit to Clark. Clark says, "Dad, I can do this." Bo knows. He advises Clark to stay out of trouble and avoid all the beer kegs. Clark: "Don't worry, Dad. Alcohol doesn't affect me, remember?" He...what!? I don't remember that! That sucks. I'd much rather see Clark drunk than Lois. Bo says that's not the point; Clark is underage. Bo realizes that his lecturing has reached cow suicide proportions. He lightens up a tiny bit, telling Clark that he doesn't want his son to get booted out before he gets in. Bo goes back to lecture mode and says that this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and that he has one more very important thing to say: "Have a great time." Aw.

Just then, Luke walks into the barn downstairs. He calls out to Clark, "Future Met. U. Hall-of-Famer?" Clark sees this blond buff boy walk in, and it's all over for him. He's in luuuuuurve! Gayest Look of the Episode, right out of the gate. And by that, I mean Clark's pants. Bo asks what the "Teflon Tailback" is doing back in town. Looking to get his tail waxed, by the sound of it. Luke shakes hands with Bo (it's Duke Kismet!), and says that the coach sent him out earlier to surprise Clark. Clark, still lovestruck, says that it worked; he'd have never expected to see the Bulldogs' all-time rusher in his barn. Lex late at night, maybe, but not this Adonis! Luke claps Clark on the upper arm and says he's just a farmboy who's good at football, the same as Clark. He eyes Clark's chest. It's-a nice. Very nice. Bo says the "Teflon Tailback" is headed to the NFL, and is a legend at Smallville High. That's where he got his Teflon coat. "Your boy broke my record for single season TDs," says Luke, seemingly without bitterness. Bo grins and giggles like Charles Nelson Reilly: "Ha yes well ha ha he yes heh heh." Luke says that Clark's got what it takes. Now give it to him. He says Clark has "a heck of a ride" ahead of him. But he suggests that Clark keep a level head and remember where he comes from. Oh man, I don't think I'm mature enough to recap this, folks, seriously. Luke asks if Clark wants to say hi to Coach Quigley. Coach...who? What now? Bo and Clark were both hypnotized by their massive football hard-ons. Bo's eye even twinkles. It looks like Bovinus, the Cow Star.

Smallville High hallway. Lois, wearing Billy Joel's sunglasses, winces as someone closes a locker hard near her. She's walking down the hall with Chloe and dressed like she's part of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation. Lois is expressing a rare moment of regret about the guy she apparently paralyzed. She tells Chloe that the guy can't even speak. Chloe says it doesn't take an M.D. to know that a kick to the gut won't paralyze you. Oh yeah? What about that time in Muriel's Wedding where Rachel Griffiths had the tumor in her spine and she fell down on her butt and then, boom, she's in a wheelchair? Huh? What about that? Oh. I've seen Muriel's Wedding, by the way. I don't think that makes me any less of a man. Lois takes off her glasses and announces that the judge had better see things that way or she'll be the star of her own women-in-prison movie. Might I suggest: Chained Bitch Who Won't Shut Up? Chloe asks how Lois made bail. Lois says that four friends helped her: Visa, MasterCard, American Express, and Discover. Discover? Ew. Lois says she came to town because she didn't know where else to go. How about to a lawyer? Chloe says she's going to Met. U. for a financial aid pitch, so they can ride back together. Clark walks up and says he heard what happened with Lois. He points to Luke down the hall and says that the guy Lois kicked was Luke's roommate. Lois, haggard as a rag at a Jiffy Lube, says she just kicked the guy; it wasn't enough to hurt him. Clark asks if she was drinking. Oops! Lois says she's giving up alcohol -- even cough syrup and rum cakes. Right. Because that's cute and funny to say when someone's in the hospital. If Lois and Clark are supposed to fall in love and that's this whole spiel, I can't imagine anyone who would want to want to watch these two go at it, romantically. It's like imagining what tuna fish in chocolate syrup would taste like. There's not even a curiosity factor there. A bell rings suddenly. Lois winces, puts a hand to head, and rolls her eyes. Ah ha ha! Oh, Lois. Will you ever learn? Before someone dies? Lois may have sworn off cough syrup, but she's not off pharmaceuticals entirely. She asks Chloe for aspirin. Chloe directs Lois to her desk at The Torch.

After Lois leaves, Clark tells Chloe that he knows they're supposed to ride to Metropolis together, but...hot running back...sexy barn scene...you know what's up. Chloe says it's all right and, without showing much teeth, guesses Clark doesn't want to ride with "the common folk." Clark says it's not like that. Given that Clark and Luke are going to be riding in a vehicle bigger than my living room, why not offer Chloe a ride? Maybe she and Luke would hit it off. Chloe says it's fine, and doesn't mention that she's riding with Lois to Metropolis. Chloe mentions to Clark that she's surprised he's taking the football scholarship route. For a momentary bit, I forget that Clark doesn't know that Chloe has learned his secret. He asks why. Chloe says he has an unfair advantage. Clark plays dumber than usual: "What do you mean?" Then I remember their charade and I yawn. Chloe says that Clark has these amazing talents, "uh...on the field." Clark says that's how it is in sports: some people are better than others. Chloe agrees. She tells Clark she doesn't understand as much as she thought she did. Clark starts to have a real conversation, but he's interrupted by Luke, who looks a good foot shorter than Clark and just a hair taller than Chloe. He tells "C.K." that the festivities are about to begin. Yay, festivities. Chloe is left to stand and blink alone. She looks around, waiting for the scene to end.

Lair of Lex. Interesting camera angle from way off to the side and on the floor, as Jason enters through the double doors. Lex says he figures Jason has thought about the job offer. Jason says it wasn't a hard decision to make. Lex mentions that a company car and expense account are included. Jason says he won't work for someone who's made it a mission to break up his relationship with Lana. Well, shit. Guess Jason won't be my butler anytime soon. Lex twiddles his thumbs in thought, and then gets up from his desk. He says he's only concerned about Lana's welfare; it's not Jason he's worried about: "It's your mother." Ooh, Jason, he be talkin' about yo mama! You gonna let him talk about yo mama? Lex asks if Jason didn't find it strange that, when he was a kid, his mom always took him on trips all over the world, to places without running water. "My mother likes to travel," Jason says lamely. Lex says those weren't vacations; they were trips to research a woman burned at the stake four hundred years earlier. Jason evokes the name of the Countess. Lex says it was the Countess whose spirit possessed Lana. Oh, that. I had blocked most of that out. Lex says the fact that it happened right after Jason and Jane Seymour came into Lana's life, well... "That bothers me," says Lex. Jason says he had nothing to do with that, and would never hurt Lana. Lex says that's why he's offering Jason this job. Jason asks what Lex wants him to do. "I have deep pockets," Lex says, as he wipes his mouth and turns his back to Jason. Dude! He wants you to satisfy his whims! Go for it! Lex says that he has vast resources, but no access. Is that some sort of ass metaphor? Is Lex the keymaster? Lex tells Jason that Lana and Jane Seymour are somehow connected to the Countess. He wants Jason to find out everything the two of them know. "You want me to spy on them?" Jason asks. Lex says he doesn't care how Jason gets the information. He steps up close to Jason's face. Lex says he needs an answer. We go out on Jason's jaw twitching.

Metropolis "Hopsital and Care Center." Li'l Bale is in bed, staring straight ahead. "Coop?" Lois asks him. First, wouldn't they bar the woman who attacked him from seeing him, defenseless, in his hospital bed? Second: "Coop"? It's not enough that Luke from The O.C. is on the show. Now there's a character they call "Coop"? Lois asks whether the patient, who is in purple bedsheets, defying all sense of medical propriety, can hear her. If he can, he's doing a great job not showing it. Lois apologizes for what happened. She swears she didn't do it. Chloe is standing to Lois. "Last night I would have given anything to shut him up," Lois says, "and now..." You have no idea what I'd give to shut Lois up. I think we have the wrong paralysis victim here. Chloe tells Lois that they should go before someone sees her. Lois, eyeing a table with lots of flowers, wonders if someone else might know something they don't. Like how to keep chrysanthemums alive for more than a week in a vase. Chloe says dismissively that Grandma Betty from Topeka, from one of the cards, probably won't have the answer. Lois thinks his girlfriend, Monique, might. The card reads, "The girls of Alpha Alpha Alpha Hope you get well soon!!!" Yeah, beat that pesky full-body paralysis! The hand-written part says, "I will love you forever & ever! love Always [with a heart around that] Monique. xoxoxo" Heart above the "I" in Monique. Wow, that's like Sanskrit, practically. Chloe asks how Lois knows it's a girlfriend. Lois reads some of it out loud and says it's a dead giveway. This isn't exactly Murder, She Wrote. Or even Turner and Hooch. We cut needlessly to "The girls of Alpha Alpha Alpha..." line in the card. Then back to Chloe and Lois looking cheeky. End, scene, dammit!

The downtown streets of Vancou--er, Metropolis. A snazzy Cadillac Escalade with the Caddy logo covered up with a weird V symbol (it's a, uh, Vladillac! From Transylvania!) turns a corner. Clark, in the driver's seat, admires the car. He thinks it can do everything but take off and fly. Luke points out the car's navigation system. "TripStar" can help you get wherever you need to go, get you movie times, whatever. Clark says that's cool. Luke says that year's model is even sweeter, "unless you want something sportier." Like him. Clark asks if he'll get a car like this if he goes to play for their team. Luke says that some alumni are nice enough to loan out their rides. Sweet. Can I go there? Luke says that college football is big business; they give a lot, but expect a lot in return: "You have to be a hero out there." Clark thinks, "Can it be an evil hero?" Clark and Luke give each other googly eyes. Clark sticks his head out of the window as they approach the stadium where, Luke says, Clark will be spending his Saturdays. They approach a waiting entrance, the Metropolis University Bulldogs logo plastered everywhere. Someone in graphic design is really pleased with how that turned out.

Strike up the band! The stadium is far from empty. A band plays a rousing fight song while cheerleaders greet Clark with: "Clark Kent, quarterback/ He's a bulldog that's a fact." That's about as far as the lyricist got, so they repeat those two lines over and over. A bulldog mascot does standing jumping jacks while the marching band fails to march. Clark and Luke walk through the line of cheerleaders as an announcer starts in: "Ladies and gentlemen, playing quarterback for your Metropolis Bulldogs...from Smallville Kansas, number 8, Clark Kent!" Luke asks Clark if this isn't too cool. Clark thinks that's an understatement. Luke claps Clark on the back and tells him to get used to it. The megalomania starts here. An Ed Harris-looking coach greets Clark. He calls Clark the "Golden Arm of Kansas," and shakes his hand. Coach tells Clark that if he goes with Met. U., he'll win a national championship. Rock on. Clark thinks that sounds all right. The coach presents Clark with a baby blue jersey. It says KENT 8. So much that he got indigestion! Ha! I kid numbers. Clark is thrilled to get the jersey. "I know you're gonna make the right decision, son," says Coach. And then he disappears into a dimension where coaches don't do anything but greet prospective future star players and then walk off. Clark is still grinning when Gary Bergen, a guy in a black suit and slick tie, from Metropolis Motors, welcomes Clark on behalf of the Booster Club. He whispers in a dirty way that if there's anything Clark needs, he should call him. Clark thinks, "I'm gonna get me an omelet!" The boosters, players, and cheerleaders all clap. Luke is drowned out by the band as he explains that everybody wants a winning team, and that they have to make that happen. Clark says it's amazing. The camera cranes out as Luke tells Clark he hasn't seen anything yet.

Sorority house. It's amazing! Girls! And panties! And pink frilly stuff on the beds and weird cloggy hairs in all the shower drains! This must be what heaven looks like! All right, I admit it. I never actually got to hang out in any sorority houses in college. But I saw lots of movies about them in the '80s, so I think I can field this scene. All the sorority girls rush down the stairs and greet Clark as he enters the house with Luke. Luke is like, "Uh, hey girls. I'm here, too. And I got long hair. Have I mentioned I was on The O.C.?" Two of the girls in front pat Clark's chest as if it were soft fur. "The tri Alphas are...big football fans," Luke says. And how! The two boldest girls are a very cute brunette co-ed in a pink top and an even cuter African-Canadian (? I guess?) girl in a tight blue button-up shirt. Not that I was looking. The brunette tells Clark that they did a little research and discovered that Clark's favorite flavor is chocolate. They needed research for that? The girl in the blue top is all, "Damn skippy it's chocolate." The girls lead Clark to a big chocolate cake. It's got "We want you Clark!" written on the side, and a big white football and goalposts on top. There's no way that football is making it between those goal posts. A giant glass of lemonade sits to the cake. Clark tells them they didn't have to go through the trouble. Pink Top tells him they'd do anything to get him to commit to Met. U. Clark's smile suddenly fades. He mentally gulps. They offer a tour of the house. As he's led upstairs, Clark is told by Luke to take his time. This is totally the Sir Lancelot "Spank the virgin" scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A giant print of a huge pair of lips is on the stairway. How very Rocky Horror.

The lair of bedroom sorority seduction. The two hot girls bring Clark there. Clark asks if the two girls are roommates. Brunette says her roommate is on the way to the hospital to visit her boyfriend, the paralyzed dude. The very hot girl in the blue top says she's heard Clark not only has a great arm, but very good hands. The other girl leans in to kiss Clark's neck. He jumps back, toward the window. Dammit, Clark! Why do you have to ruin everything?! Why must you deny these girls the blowjobs they obviously want to give? Does it make you happy to deny everyone around you? I can't believe how selfish Clark is in this scene. Pink Top tries to kiss Clark again. He backs even further toward the window and comments on the nice view. I know that Clark is gay, but even gay guys aren't this spastic around hot girls. The girls throw Clark on the bed. Pink Top (not for long) offers a better view. She unzips her top and shows her lacy bra. The other girl starts to unbutton her top. They both descend on Clark with their boobies all akimbo.

Just then, there's a sound from a closet. Clark uses his x-ray vision to check it out. He sees a very annoying skeleton in the closet. He goes to investigate. Clark opens the closet. Lois makes a shushing gesture at him. Clark comically closes the door quickly without acknowledging it. Clark says, unconvincingly, that some sweaters fell. Some noisy, clattery sweaters. Pink Top smiles with one boob hanging out. Clark asks if he can get something to drink. Pink Top goes to fetch it. Blue Top gives Clark seductive looks. Clark asks for something to eat. She saunters off, buttoning her top back up. I've completely lost hope that Clark will ever score on this series. He opens the closet and asks Lois what she's doing there. She says she was going to ask the same, but that it's obvious; she also calls Clark "Hef." Lois tells Clark she was investigating Monique. She reads mockingly from a diary. She gets to the smoking gun. In a diary entry, Monique says that Coop was going to met with a newspaper reporter. It was something about the football team. The sorority girls come back. Clark yells, "Go go go go go go!" to Lois as he pushes her to the closet. Clark has a way with knowing the comings and goings from within closets. The two girls, this time with backup, bring the cake and the lemonade. Together. Fucking GROSS! Just kill him, why don't you? "Would you like a piece of this?" Pink Top asks. "Hi," Clark says roughly, for no really good reason.

We cut, sadly, to a hospital. Li'l Bale (or "Coop," as he's now known) lies in bed. He can blink and move his face around a little. He's in the dark. Luke walks in. He asks if Coop is feeling better. Luke says, "It's starting to wear off." Coop tries to say something. Luke tells Coop that eventually he'll be able to talk. And when he does, he'll tell the world about Luke. Coop tries to shake his head to say no. He gasps. Luke tells him to shush. He puts a hand on his shoulder, applying the orange-fingered Vulcan KryptoGrip. Coop seizes. Orange current runs through him. He's paralyzed again. Luke takes a pillow and smothers Coop with it. "I'm sorry, Coop," he says before he does it. We cut to commercials as the heart monitor prematurely flatlines.

Commercials. Constantine = Hellboy + Matrix, right.

Clark and Lois are skulking around the dorms. Clark tells Lois that she should have waited outside. She insists that she can't wait around when she's going to be on trial. They find Luke, who was on his way out. Luke, with genuine-looking regret, tells Clark he just got a call from the coach; Coop has, uh, shuffled off this mortal chicken coop. Lois: "Oh shit." Luke says that, an hour ago, Coop's vitals were getting better, but then he just stopped breathing. Lois starts to ask Luke about the newspaper and the football team. Clark interrupts, saying this isn't the best time. "When is the best time, Clark, when I'm on the chain gang?" Lois asks rudely. Clark says that Lois has been under some stress. Does stress explain those dark circles under her eyes and her overall middle-aged appearance? I think she's pretty good-looking and not a bad actress, I really do, but she's nowhere in the vicinity of eighteen to twenty-two years old. Nowhere near. And the more they try to make her seem so, the more silly she ends up looking. They should have just said, "She's twenty-five, she dropped out of college, deal with it" if they really wanted to cast Erica Durance in this role. Lois counters that stress is when you're stuck in traffic or ill-prepared for a midterm. She's up on possible manslaughter charges. Luke asks to speak to Clark in private. Lois snaps that she's sorry about Luke's friend, but that if he has something to say, he should say it to her face. Her twenty-seven-year-old face. (Yeah, I looked it up.) Clark quietly says he'll catch up with her later. And with that, Lois is dismissed. Luke, looking a little greasy-haired, tells Clark that Lois looks like trouble. Clark, dumb-ass, says he's just starting to figure that out. Luke advises Clark to tell her not to come around here no more. Whatever she's looking for. Hey! Don’t come around here no more. He says she's done enough damage. Close-up on Clark. Because he's pretty.

Lana's increasingly overcluttered apartment. She's wearing a brown off-the-shoulder toga borrowed from a former Solid Gold dancer. She and Jason are arguing. She can't believe he'd take a job with Lex. Lana thinks the Countess thing is a ruse. Is that one of your fancy Paris words, Lana? Well, try this one: "Sacré blue-a!" Jason bullshits that he can turn the tables on Lex by using him while he himself is being used. Brilliant! Lana says that this is just "more secrets and more lies." Oh, man. That's funny right there. Maybe it hasn't worked its way into the recaps often enough, but a long-time recurring joke about Lana in the forums is her constant whining about "thecrets and lieth!" I can't believe they actually had her use those exact words. Hi-larious. Lana says they're all going to blow up in their faces. Or maybe crush them like a meteor. Jason says that he can't rely on honesty in dealing with Lex and his mother. Lana adds whine to go with her cheese plate by saying that she's done lying and won't go along with this. Jason says that their research on the Countess is going nowhere; this might be their way of breaking through. Dudes! Just let it go! Be happy! Drink! Engage in teen sex! Screw this Countess shit that's breaking you up, don't you think? No? You're gonna keep on pursuing this crap that none of us care about? Really? You think that's wise? Oh you do? Well, all right then. I see you've made your decision, Smallville. Nice Season 4 you've got going here. Jason says he's not going to let Lex and his mom break up their relationship. "Trust me," he adds. Lana asks how she can trust someone who's willing to lie for a living. Jason has no answer for that. Lana almost swallows her upper lip. She says that if Lex knows something, there's only one way to find out.

One cranky night where Jason still doesn't get any later...Stately Luthor Manor by daylight. Lana, wearing a blue power suit jacket, stalks Lex down one of his hallways and lets loose: "Who the hell do you think you are?" Lex, who has probably seen a few bad high-school plays in his day, knows to ignore her. He asks casually if something's wrong as he carries a briefcase back toward us. Lana maintains her flipping-out tone, telling Lex to ask her if he wants information, not to hire her boyfriend to go covert on her ass. Lex puts down his briefcase when he arrives at his office, and tells Lana that he's actually on her side. Lana says that everything with Lex seems like a thecret. Er, "a secret." Lana shoots down Lex's explanation, saying she doesn't want "precautions," she wants "The Truth." Lex warns Lana that she won't like "The Truth." Lana doesn't want lies about Jason. Lex tells her that Jason means a lot to her, but that when she's ready to talk, she should let Lex know. He walks away as he says she can let herself out. Lana asks herself, "What just happened?"

Hey, I smell bratwurst on a little portable grill. Must be a wake, college football-style! At the stadium, which seems uncomfortably close to downtown Metropolis (do they play at the same stadium as the Sharks?), the members of the Bulldogs team have gathered solemnly in a skybox to pay their respects to good ole Coop. Coop's 8x10 photo is displayed in an attractive silver frame. One of the slutty sorority girls (Pink Top, who is now Black Suit) stands with a drink in hand to a blonde we can assume is Monique. Monique looks pretty drugged up. Luke tells the gathered assembly that Coop wasn't just a great player; he was a great guy. Aw. Too bad you had to kill him, Luke. Everyone is drinking beer or wine except Clark. They all toast Coop. Clark doesn't even pretend to toast. Luke says that Coop would have wanted a party; so they're gonna party. Woohoo young death! Luke asks Clark why he's not drinking. "You never had a beer before?" he asks. Clark says that he sure has. Luke doesn't believe him. He pops a top for Clark and tells him that his wussy country boy ways will all change. Luke chugs one for his murdered homie. Then he starts to chug another. Clark asks if he shouldn't slow down. Luke gives Clark a dirty look and says he's going to be straight with him. Clark is immensely disappointed. Luke says that they're in a huge pressure cooker. All everybody wants is a winner. "Takes a toll on you," he says grimly.

A young Asian guy catches Luke's attention. Luke breaks away from Clark and rushes over to the guy, who says in passing, "Nice skybox," and is ushered to the outer area by Luke. Clark uses his super-hearing, which also now seems to include a telephoto lens, to hear the conversation. The guy is bringing Luke a fake urine sample. Luke chastises him for bringing it to his buddy's wake. The guy, who apparently has some awesome pee, is told never to come to Luke. Luke says he'll come to him. Clark apparently has one of the old RKO towers in his ear. The Pee Man wants his money, like now. He's gotta go buy something. Bad! Luke puts his hand on the guy's shoulder and he collapses in a funny way, probably in a puddle of his own pristine pee. Clark narrows his eyebrows, because that ain't right. Clark sees Luke help the guy to his feet, and roughly bring him back inside the skybox. "What just happened to me?" the scared guy asks. Luke says he must have fallen over or something. The Pee Purveyor walks away, all shaken, but not stirred. Luke comes back smiling to Clark and tells him to drink up for Coop. Clark takes a sip of beer. He makes a girly-man face.

Lois's dorm room. Chloe is filling out a financial aid form. Lois, standing nearby, advises that Chloe not be seen near Lois if Chloe wants a fair shake at college funds. Chloe says that the autopsy on Coop will likely prove Lois innocent. Lois notices the level of detailed questions on the form ("father's birth city"). She slurps on what looks like a nasty cup of noodles. There's a knock at the door. Clark walks in without waiting for a reply. Without saying hello, Clark announces that he thinks Luke paralyzed Coop. Clark reveals the bit about the urine samples. "Black market pee?" Lois asks. "What's he trying to cover up?" Some bushes? Someone else's name in the snow? Clark tells Chloe and Lois that he saw Luke touch someone and put him to the ground. Oh, Clark, that's just his off-the-charts charisma. He rolled a twenty on his savings throw and shit just happened. Clark says that it happens on the football field when guys get hit by Luke. Chloe frowns studiously, forming those between-the-eyebrows lines that I developed when I wore contacts and used to squint at the sun all the time. Lois says that using your powers on the field is pathetic, but that it's not paralyzing someone. Clark thinks Luke might be able to control the intensity. Chloe thinks the "Pee Peddler" might know something. She thinks she can track him down based on the complete lack of information she has at hand or that Clark has given her. Clark plans to go find Luke before he can hurt anyone else.

Lois and Chloe, two minutes later, just happen to find the Pee Guy. Wow, that's some awesome investigating skills right there. As the Pee Guy locks his bike to a rack, Lois says she's going to talk to "Mr. Peebody." Chloe plans to go door-to-door at the dorms to see what people know about Luke. I'm sorry to bring it up again, but damn, Lois really needs some sleep or something. Are her guest-shot shooting hours just abysmally bad? She goes straight up to the Pee Guy and asks where a person could get some "clean number one" around here. Pee Guy acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about. She asks about Luke and starts to threaten to go to the authorities when -- he's right behind you, Lois! Luke tells her that if she has a question, she can ask him directly. Luke tells Pee Guy to get lost. Lois smiles and asks Luke if he thinks he'll be drafted to the Sharks, because she's a huge fan. Luke asks why she was talking to Pee Guy. Lois bullshits that she's a fan, and that she guesses she'll have to wait and see like everyone else. She walks away. Luke follows and puts his hand on her shoulder. Lois spasms and her face pulses. Luke holds her as if he's hugging her from behind. He tells her, for no good reason, that he played fair in high school, but in college there's too much pressure to win. He looks around, making sure there are dozens of folks walking in the background and drags her to his SUV. He shoves her in the car. Lois's sunglasses have fallen on the pavement.

Chloe walks outside, calling for Lois and announcing that she needs Lois's pass to get into the dorm. She's just now figuring that out? She sees the Vladillac speed off. She calls again for Lois. She spots Lois's broken sunglasses on the street. They've been run over. "Lois," Chloe says sadly.

Commercials. The Starlet. Let me get this straight. You have to sleep with Faye Dunaway to be a star now?

Chloe finds Clark on campus. She tells him she thinks Luke took Lois. "Where?" Clark asks. Chloe, who has two duck pelts on either shoulder, tells Clark what happened and adds that she tried to get help from the police, but they were no help because they worship Luke. Clark thinks they can track him down through his car. Clark tells Chloe that the car has a "TripStar" chip in it. Clark says if they can get the PIN, they can use Chloe's cell phone and computer to hack into the system. Uh, sure. You do that, Clark. Chloe asks how they'll get the PIN. She says they keep them under lock and key at the dealership: "What are you going to do, break in and rip open the safe?" You really think they keep those in a safe? Most car dealerships have sad little file cabinets with hand-written IOUs for replacing a bad door handle or whatnot. But then, I don't know what security is like at Vladillac Motors. Clark takes a long pause. "Of course not," he finally says. Chloe and Clark exchange awkward glances.

Streets of Metropolis. Somewhere below ground, Luke is carrying a stiff Lois down a murky corridor. If it were Lana, she wouldn't have to fake paralysis. Luke takes her to some bullshit Beauty and the Beast well-lit subterranean water chamber. You couldn't just dump her body in a dumpster somewhere? "Don't worry," Luke says, "it'll be quick." Yeah, a quick, slow-water rising drowning. Very humanitarian. Luke struggles with tears as he says, "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. But I don't have a choice." Lois's eyes dart toward him. She looks Botox-scared. Luke turns a huge wheel right out of Half-Life 2, and water starts to rush into the chamber. He locks a cell door and trudges through the water. He knew about this place...how?

Back at Lois's dorm, which will soon be a target for the Office of Homeland Security, Chloe and Clark have indeed hacked in with just a cell phone and laptop. No wonder OnStar didn't want its name used in this episode. Chloe says they now just have to dial the service and imitate Luke. Chloe notes that Clark got that PIN pretty quickly, given that the dealership is on the other side of the city. "I hurried," Clark says. Chloe just smiles. Clark tells the "TripStar" rep that he took a wrong turn and is lost and his map screen his broken. He asks for the 411. A map screen showing "3rd & Grant" comes up. Clark hangs up abruptly and without a "Thank you." Asshat. Chloe puts her laptop away and says she'll drive. Clark whooshes out of there. Chloe turns around to find the room empty. Subtle, Clark. Very subtle.

The cavern of slow drowning doom. Lois, lying on her back, has water coming up to about her ears. Outside, Luke is walking back to his Vladillac. He left the driver's side window open in what looks like a shady part of town. Luke puts on his seatbelt just as Clark superspeeds into the scene, grabs him, and pulls him out of the truck. Clark pushes him against the hood. Luke grabs Clark's arm, but nothing happens. "Why isn't it working?" he asks. "Tell me where she is!" Clark yells. Luke squirms and apologizes. "Where is she!?" Clark screams. Luke blah blahs again about how he never used his powers in college, but here, he couldn't start. He starts to go a little over-the-top with the story, channeling Danny DeVito for a second. Clark blinks. All right, this is more interesting than Lois being in danger, he decides. The camera, restless, pivots back and forth as Clark explains that Luke won't want to be responsible for another murder. Luke ignores the part about Lois and says that Coop was going to tell the world that the "Teflon Tailback" was a meteor freak. "Tell me where she is," Clark tries again. "She's down there," Luke says, pointing to the underground.

We cut to a lazy-looking Lois submerged under water. Clark dives in from above like it's freakin' Tomb Raider, and runs down the hall. He calls for Lois. He comes to the metal gate. Clark eyejaculates at the door, and it opens, sparks flying. He pulls Lois out from the water. "Lois, can you hear me?" he asks. She says his name. Clark, holding her, tells her everything is going to be all right. You can't have two love interests die in a row, I guess.

The Marines want you to join so you can climb some awesome craggy cliffs in New Mexico. Then they're shipping your ass to Iraq.

Kent Kitchen. MamaKent and Bo were working on some bills when Clark came home with the news about what happened. MamaKent asks if Lois is going to be all right. Given her drinking, everyone always figured she'd die in shallow water anyway. Clark says that the paralysis wears off and she's already been released from the hospital. How long afterward is this happening? He never called home to explain what was going on? Bo can't believe it. That football boy was nice! And hot! Nicely hot! Clark says that if he takes the football scholarship, he'll be in the same position Luke was. Clark says he'll have to lie on physicals and rig every test to protect his secret. Clark has come to the realization that he has powers other players don't. Didn't your dad already tell you all this months ago? Clark has decided that it's not fair when he's out there competing. It only took a murder and a near-drowning to make him see it. For Clark, learning is all about bloodshed. It's deathtrimental. Clark tells his folks he's decided to give up football. Bo looks like he's been shot in the chest. Bo rises, like a Phoenix from the ashes, with a platitude reborn: "This decision you've made, son, shows integrity well beyond your years." Clark, who was just starting to like the idea of drinking lemonade and eating chocolate cake, asks why he doesn't feel good about it. He glances at a bill on the table from a Feed and Seed store. Bo scoffs, sensing Clark's worry. He tells him that if Clark has his heart set on Met. U. or any other school, then somehow, some way, they'll find a way to make sure Clark can go. Clark finally brightens up. "Yeah," he says, smiling. Back to the skin trade, I guess. Clark keeps grinning, adding goofy to heartfelt.

The Talon. Clark opens up his titanium briefcase and shows Lana a photo. He says it was taken the day before Jason met Lana, in Paris. It's Jason, sitting on a railing near the Seine, talking to Jane Seymour. Lana can't believe it; Jason's mother was supposed to have been in the Hamptons at that time. Lex lays out some facts: Jason's mom had been researching the Countess since before Jason was born. Lex says that Jason grew up in a house full of artifacts and research materials about her. Despite what Lana may think, Jason's been aware of the Countess since he was a child. He called her "pweternaturally scawy." Lana is stunned: "No, I don't believe that." Lex says Lana has to ask herself how well she knows Jason Teague. She doesn't know him in the Biblical sense, that's for sure. Last show of the easily Photoshopped Paris photo.

Kent Farm. In the barn, Clark is staring out the window. "Knock knock," says a voice from behind. It's Lois. She complains about Clark's not having a door for privacy. Clark smiles at her and says that, for once, he's relieved to hear her voice. He's completely alone on that. Lois thanks Clark for saving her from the Mississippi River. Lois reveals that she's been punted from the university -- not for the kicking, but for the booze. Lois says it's not the first time she's been invited to the disciplinary board. Gee, thanks for the help getting into college, Lex. Clark is more amused than frustrated with her. Clark asks if she's going back to the barracks. Lois says that her dad, the awesome IRONSIDE!, is taking a tough-love approach. Clark asks where she'll go. With Chloe? Lois complains that Chloe and her dad have a tiny one-bedroom apartment, and that she doesn't want to impose. Guess that witness protection thing didn't work out so well for Gabe and Chloe. Lois goes on a long, not very interesting explanation of how she can sleep in her car, or if that doesn't work out, she can live as a hobo, riding the rails and whatnot, cooking beans on a roadside fire. SLAP! Clark says he guesses Lois can stay with the Kents -- Lois runs to take a hot shower without a word of thanks about the offer. She promises to try to keep her shower under a half-hour. And thanks for offering to contribute to the bills, Lois Lame-o. Clark asks himself, "What just happened?" I'd like to know, too, as I'm sure MamaKent and Bo would.

School. Chloe finds Clark. She tells him she got accepted to Met. U., and she'll be getting some financial aid. "Now I don't actually have to rob banks," she says. Clark congratulates her. She asks Clark to remember her when he's "Everybody's All-American." Clark tells Chloe that he's not going to Met. U. He says that he won't be playing anymore, and that he turned down the athletic scholarship. Chloe can't believe it at first. Clark says he doesn't think football is his calling. Long consideration from Chloe. She tells him she's proud of him. "Why?" Clark asks. Chloe thinks Clark is destined to do more than score touchdowns. Clark says that Chloe's been saying a lot of weird things lately. He asks how she knows he's destined to do anything. "Just a hunch," she says quietly and sweetly.

Cut to the empty Metropolis stadium. Sappy alt-crap music plays. Clark stands in the middle of the field, thinking about what might have been. Sorority girls, Clark! Sorority girls! Clark puts his hands in the pockets of his red coat and walks from the middle of the field to the locker rooms. We close with the camera panning out, framing Clark between the goal posts. "How could this happen to me?" the song by Simple Plan asks. How could it not, dude?

week: an episode about Clark's new dog, Krypto. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to it. What's a nicer way of saying "fucking crap balls"?