Pariah

I'm only going to say this once (if I can help it), so I can just get it out there before I soften up mid-recap: this episode? Was bullshit. Thanks for listening.

A rare set of "Previously"s are shown. Clark fell in love, sorta, and gets married. Lana confronted Jason about his abrupt break-up. Lex was...is Lex still on this show?

This week's episode opens with what's ordinarily one of my favorite pastimes, karaoke! Oh, sweet, sweet karaoke. On a small stage at The Talon, Lois and Chloe are singing Joan Jett's "I Love Rock n' Roll." There's no goofy video to go with it. The lyrics appear on a simple blue screen that's awkwardly facing the audience so that we can see it. Wow, Lois has aged about ten years since we saw her last, when she already looked ten years too old to be hanging out with this gang. She and Chloe (who sports short and unflippy hair this week) grind and move their chests around as the camera swoops around them as if it were a Metallica concert instead of, say, middling karaoke at The Talon. Chloe lets out a very good "Wowwwww!" at the appropriate moment. In the audience, Jason is sipping a beverage while Lana laughs. Thank your lucky stars it's not her up there. Chloe and Lana sort of stumble over the lyrics, and Lois tries to play it off by pointing to guy in the front row who's watching and saying, "You. Right there." Oh, the karaoke ad-lib. I know it so well. The best one I've ever done was when I did "You Can't Touch This" at a karaoke bar with a nacho spread laid out. Some kid was grabbing a nacho and I yelled, "You can't touch that!" I think he cried. The guy in the Talon audience, who looks pale and hairy like a scarecrow off the pole, smiles uncomfortably. Chloe and Lois get to the part of the song that goes, "Can I take you home/ where we can be alone?" Whoah-whoah-whoah-whoah. Bystanders are dancing through their shock. One extra looks like he's trying to do the robot like on Chappelle's Show. Scarecrow tries to have fun, but it doesn't work.

More swooping camera work. The song's almost over. Clark and KentFan walk in from the back. Lana and Jason turn. Lois and Chloe suddenly stop singing. Lois purses her lips at the couple. The music inexplicably fades. "First he marries the girl, now he's dating her?" says a bitchy Lois very clearly, as the microphone picks up her words, and then screeches. KentFan looks hurt. The place is dead silent, save some murmuring. "That was subtle, Lois," Chloe says. "Good." Yeah, you tell her. All the extras are acting like KentFan raped their tender asses with an industrial digger. Robot Guy is now Thoughtful Mob Guy. More awkward stares. Clark gives Lois the Blue Steel Look of Male Model Hatred. Lana looks around for approval, and when it's clear that the world still prefers her over all other women who have ever existed, she tells Jason, "I've seen enough for one night," and walks off. But you haven't seen somebody do The Proclaimers' "One Thousand Miles" or my version of "Lady"! Come back! Wait a minute, it's Lana. Go! Far away! KentFan goes after Lana, asking her to wait. KentFan apologizes. "For what?" Lana asks. "Trying to kill me, or not succeeding?" In her wee baby voice, KentFana says she just wants a chance to prove who she really is. "You already have," says Lana, harshly. Jason comes up and gives KentFan a dirty look as Lana goes up to her room. Clark comes up, too. "I can't believe you brought her here," says Jason, in an uncharacteristically douche-ish way. Jason tells Clark that just because KentFan says she's better doesn't make it so. In the middle of that, KentFan scurries off. "Come on, man," Jason says, to punctuate his point. "No, seriously, come on, Clark. I gotta go remove Lana's chastity belt and I could use your super-strength." Long close-up on Clark.

The Talon, later that night. Lana has taken her stake in The Talon and invested it in The Yankee Candle Company. She lights about ten of their candles in preparation for a shower. She locks the door and turns the lights down low for herself. Oh. It's one of those showers. I see. Well, it's good she installed that massaging shower head. Jason, in the room, is studying Advanced Anatomy. Chapter 12: Methods of Relieving Scrotal Pressure as Caused by Living, but not Having Sex With, an Eighteen-Year-Old Preternaturally Pretty Ingnue. In the shower, Lana is filming an Herbal Essence commercial. Outside the door, we get a keyhole-view of Lana's body double's silhouette in the shower. Who still has keyholes you can see through like that? Something brown and grainy whooshes through it. Lana stops in the shower, having heard something. A breeze blows against the dozens of candles. Lana's like, "La la la...if I stop being sexy, they might throw me off the show. Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts! Mmm, oily Jonathan Taylor Thomas!" Lana's silhouette, as seen from outside the shower, is apparently trying to take the form of a duck by contortioning its back. Something approaches the nearly clear shower curtain. The curtain is roughly pulled to the side, wrapping against Lana's face. Her mouth is open, so the curtain catches her in an exaggerated fish-mouth scream. (Which is not at all muffled by the airtight curtain on her mouth, but whatever.) Lana seriously looks like Mr. Bill here. And I don't think that's really her mouth. Something weird's going on with that. The curtain perpetrator is trying to suffocate her with the curtain. Lana falls in the shower. Just outside the door, Jason calls out for her. Dude, look through the keyhole! Instead, his scrawny white ass breaks open the door. The camera zooms in on his look of horror. Jason sees a girl's body. Wrapped...in plaaaaastic. Jason shuts off the shower and pulls Lana's slack body upright. This is the most naked he's ever seen her. "Can you hear me?" he asks. Her head lolls around. She's awake, but not really. It's almost like when Lana tries to emote when she's standing upright. We go to opening credits.

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Smallville Medical Center. It's lit up at night, and painted so many colors that some in the town think they only treat Lego people there. In an exam room, Lana and Jason are with a doctor. Just outside the room, Chloe and Lois wait. Clark shows up. Clark asks about Lana. Chloe says she's all right; Jason pulled a T.J. Hooker and broke the door down. I thought a T.J. Hooker was when you rode on the hood of a car. (Oh, Al and Miles; you should know better.) Lois says that the assailant flew the coop. "So," Lois says in the most grating tone possible. "Have they arrested your arm ornament yet?" I really wish Clark had Super Slapping ability right now. Instead, Clark says, "Wuh?" Chloe, who has on a lot of makeup right now, says that Sheriff Cheshire was around and was asking lots of questions about Lana's being attacked in a locked room. Lois says that KentFan's name came up more than once in a "bunny boiler" kind of way. All right, everybody here is supposed to be around eighteen to twenty-two years old right? Why are they making references that people ten years older would find dated? P.S. I hate Lois. She's so snide and annoying in this episode. What happened?

Clark says, innocently, that KentFan didn't do this. Chloe and Lois exchange a "God, Clark is an idiot" look that I'd normally be right behind. Clark tells them that KentFan has been wearing a lead bracelet that prevents her from teleporting. I thought the bracelet was broken. Lois spews, "Did she also happen to be wearing something low-cut when she spun you that tale, because I'm not sure you're thinking with your big brain here!" First of all: shut the fuck up, Lois. Second: low-cut tops? Thy name is Lois Lane. Third: "big brain"? Just do it, Clark. Nobody's going to see it. Just...SMACK! Clark rolls his eyes slowly and angrily and looks over to Chloe. Chloe translates Lois's dialogue from Bitch to English: she says that just because KentFan says the bracelet limits her abilities doesn't mean it's true. Clark says that KentFan was with him when Lana was attacked. Lois asks if Clark was watching her every second. Sure, the teleporting may have just taken a second, but the attacking would have been a bit longer. Chloe says that KentFan can transport more easily than Captain Kirk. So, teens of America, wanna make some more old pop-culture reference? How about some B.J. and the Bear? Maybe a little My Three Sons? Oh, I know! They should compare someone to Joey Bishop. Lois says that KentFan did try to carve a "Jack-O-Lana" before: "Cut and dry -- emphasis on the 'cut'!" Oh my God, I'm going to stop right here. Just...just...I never thought I'd say this, but I hate Lois much more than I hate Lana right now. Just shut up, Lois! Your guest stint must be over by now. Just go! Clark glances inside Lana's exam room. She's ignoring him. Jason steps out. He tells Clark that Lana doesn't want to see him. Literally. She's looking everywhere except at Clark. Tinkly music of sadness plays.

Kent Kitchen. Sheriff Cheshire is talking to Clark. She says she's getting a funny sense of "deja-view" here. Flipping through her notepad, she asks if they haven't acted out this particular charade before. No, that was Scattergories. Clark lays it all out. He says that KentFan was with him and didn't attack Lana. Sheriff Cheshire, whom I just noticed has a much older lower face than upper face, says she'd better not find out that Clark is covering for his girlfriend; his alibi is the only thing keeping KentFan's "tail" from "jail." Huh. I guess the tail is a meteor power bonus. Meaningful looks are exchanged. Bo shows the sheriff out. Clark complains that the sheriff already has KentFan tried and convicted. Bo says that the sheriff has a point. A woodsy, sarcastic point. "First Las Vegas, now an assault charge," says MamaKent, with her phaser set to "Shrill." "What are you doing with this girl, Clark?" Clark spins and says that KentFan didn't do this. Bo says that Clark's girlfriend has mental problems, and that their relationship isn't healthy: "Why can't you see that?" You know what else isn't healthy? Bacon every morning. Clark complains that his parents always told him to look for the good in people. Oh, baby, that was just crib talk. Clark says that KentFan deserves a second chance. Wasn't her second chance last week? MamaKent interrupts Bo in the pre-platitude windup, and asks why Clark would continue seeing her when he knows how they feel. Because he's not dating you, Mother. Clark says that KentFan has kept his secret, and got shot protecting him. Those are pretty good reasons. "What else does she have to do to prove herself?" Clark whines. Oral? MamaKent asks, "What if she did this?" Did? Didn't? Is? Isn't? Let's not start this up again this week. Clark looks hurt and confused. At the same time, even. Bo stands stoically. "Yeah. What she said."

KentFan's house. A dog is barking loudly. Clark comes to the barn, looking for her. The camera is shaky as he approaches. Clark calls for KentFan. The dog continues barking toward the barn. Scary music plays as Clark turns and suddenly finds KentFan. She's hanging brutally from a noose. Clark holds her up and eyejaculates at a knot holding the rope in place. The noose falls on KentFan as Clark lays her down on the ground. "No, please, no," Clark whines. CPR, motherfucker! Hospital! Rotate around the Earth or something! KentFan's face is white. Her closed eyelids are purple. Clark starts to cry. "No, no," he says. "Nooooo!" he screams. Then a smaller one: "No!" Clark rears down and lets out a big one: "NOOOOOOOO!" Lana shows up just to say, "Oh my God! What happened?" Clark's eyes look dead. "I think I know who did this," Lois says. Oh, awesome. No need to try to resuscitate anyone here. Clark grits his teeth. He looks crazy! "I know where we can find him," Lois says. Vigilantism, yay! No need to call the sheriff, either, I guess.

Somehow Lois knew that Luna-tic would be hanging out at the Historical Whatever Museum after it was closed. Clark jogs in at normal speed and takes a punch at Luna-tic, who is just standing around for no good reason. Clark grabs Luna-tic and flips him to the ground. Clark tries to do some weird face claw move on him, but Luna-tic dematerializes into dust and slips away. He reappears behind Clark. He taunts Clark, telling him that even Clark thought KentFan was guilty. He keeps his hand a CGI dust color. Very badly done special effects jumpcut as Luna-tic punches Clark and sends him flying across the room. It looks like one of those bad '80s movies where it looks like frames from the film are missing when it should just be one fluid motion. Clark crashes into some inexpensive historical plywood. Luna-tic tries to cheer Clark up by saying that KentFan did try to kill Clark's girlfriend last year. "You tried to kill Lana," says Clark. "What does that make you?" Luna-tic tries to explain with his bullshit logic, pointing to his temple that he's doing what's right for the town. Clark says he killed KentFan. "I loved her and you took that away from me," Clark says, as the two circle around each other. Clark lunges again, but Luna-tic turns into a cloud of dust and spins around Clark. It's a shitstorm! Clark holds his neck as he begins to choke. He eyejaculates a fiery stream. Clark aims the fire at the ground, and we hear Luna-tic scream. He materializes back into human form, going fetal on the ground with some surface burns. His face looks sunburned as Clark picks him up and throws him against a post. "You killed her!" Clark screams, and starts to choke Luna-tic. "All she wanted was a chance," Clark growls.

Lois suddenly shows up. Oh, are you done parallel parking? Nice of you to make it. She tries to get in between them and yells for Clark to stop. "You're killing him!" she says. And he would have killed Luna-tic if not for Lois. What does that say about Clark, now? The choking continues for a few more seconds. "Stop!" Lois insists. "Let him go!" Clark finally does, one brain-damaged villain later. Clark has a single tear coming down his right eye. Did somebody litter? Lois asks if he's all right. Clark looks like he's going to throw up. Lois lies that everything is going to be all right. Oh, just shut up, Lois.