KentFan: The Killening

S04E12

By Omar G

I'm only going to say this once (if I can help it), so I can just get it out there before I soften up mid-recap: this episode? Was bullshit. Thanks for listening.

A rare set of "Previously"s are shown. Clark fell in love, sorta, and gets married. Lana confronted Jason about his abrupt break-up. Lex was...is Lex still on this show?

This week's episode opens with what's ordinarily one of my favorite pastimes, karaoke! Oh, sweet, sweet karaoke. On a small stage at The Talon, Lois and Chloe are singing Joan Jett's "I Love Rock n' Roll." There's no goofy video to go with it. The lyrics appear on a simple blue screen that's awkwardly facing the audience so that we can see it. Wow, Lois has aged about ten years since we saw her last, when she already looked ten years too old to be hanging out with this gang. She and Chloe (who sports short and unflippy hair this week) grind and move their chests around as the camera swoops around them as if it were a Metallica concert instead of, say, middling karaoke at The Talon. Chloe lets out a very good "Wowwwww!" at the appropriate moment. In the audience, Jason is sipping a beverage while Lana laughs. Thank your lucky stars it's not her up there. Chloe and Lana sort of stumble over the lyrics, and Lois tries to play it off by pointing to guy in the front row who's watching and saying, "You. Right there." Oh, the karaoke ad-lib. I know it so well. The best one I've ever done was when I did "You Can't Touch This" at a karaoke bar with a nacho spread laid out. Some kid was grabbing a nacho and I yelled, "You can't touch that!" I think he cried. The guy in the Talon audience, who looks pale and hairy like a scarecrow off the pole, smiles uncomfortably. Chloe and Lois get to the part of the song that goes, "Can I take you home/ where we can be alone?" Whoah-whoah-whoah-whoah. Bystanders are dancing through their shock. One extra looks like he's trying to do the robot like on Chappelle's Show. Scarecrow tries to have fun, but it doesn't work.

More swooping camera work. The song's almost over. Clark and KentFan walk in from the back. Lana and Jason turn. Lois and Chloe suddenly stop singing. Lois purses her lips at the couple. The music inexplicably fades. "First he marries the girl, now he's dating her?" says a bitchy Lois very clearly, as the microphone picks up her words, and then screeches. KentFan looks hurt. The place is dead silent, save some murmuring. "That was subtle, Lois," Chloe says. "Good." Yeah, you tell her. All the extras are acting like KentFan raped their tender asses with an industrial digger. Robot Guy is now Thoughtful Mob Guy. More awkward stares. Clark gives Lois the Blue Steel Look of Male Model Hatred. Lana looks around for approval, and when it's clear that the world still prefers her over all other women who have ever existed, she tells Jason, "I've seen enough for one night," and walks off. But you haven't seen somebody do The Proclaimers' "One Thousand Miles" or my version of "Lady"! Come back! Wait a minute, it's Lana. Go! Far away! KentFan goes after Lana, asking her to wait. KentFan apologizes. "For what?" Lana asks. "Trying to kill me, or not succeeding?" In her wee baby voice, KentFana says she just wants a chance to prove who she really is. "You already have," says Lana, harshly. Jason comes up and gives KentFan a dirty look as Lana goes up to her room. Clark comes up, too. "I can't believe you brought her here," says Jason, in an uncharacteristically douche-ish way. Jason tells Clark that just because KentFan says she's better doesn't make it so. In the middle of that, KentFan scurries off. "Come on, man," Jason says, to punctuate his point. "No, seriously, come on, Clark. I gotta go remove Lana's chastity belt and I could use your super-strength." Long close-up on Clark.

The Talon, later that night. Lana has taken her stake in The Talon and invested it in The Yankee Candle Company. She lights about ten of their candles in preparation for a shower. She locks the door and turns the lights down low for herself. Oh. It's one of those showers. I see. Well, it's good she installed that massaging shower head. Jason, in the room, is studying Advanced Anatomy. Chapter 12: Methods of Relieving Scrotal Pressure as Caused by Living, but not Having Sex With, an Eighteen-Year-Old Preternaturally Pretty Ingénue. In the shower, Lana is filming an Herbal Essence commercial. Outside the door, we get a keyhole-view of Lana's body double's silhouette in the shower. Who still has keyholes you can see through like that? Something brown and grainy whooshes through it. Lana stops in the shower, having heard something. A breeze blows against the dozens of candles. Lana's like, "La la la...if I stop being sexy, they might throw me off the show. Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts! Mmm, oily Jonathan Taylor Thomas!" Lana's silhouette, as seen from outside the shower, is apparently trying to take the form of a duck by contortioning its back. Something approaches the nearly clear shower curtain. The curtain is roughly pulled to the side, wrapping against Lana's face. Her mouth is open, so the curtain catches her in an exaggerated fish-mouth scream. (Which is not at all muffled by the airtight curtain on her mouth, but whatever.) Lana seriously looks like Mr. Bill here. And I don't think that's really her mouth. Something weird's going on with that. The curtain perpetrator is trying to suffocate her with the curtain. Lana falls in the shower. Just outside the door, Jason calls out for her. Dude, look through the keyhole! Instead, his scrawny white ass breaks open the door. The camera zooms in on his look of horror. Jason sees a girl's body. Wrapped...in plaaaaastic. Jason shuts off the shower and pulls Lana's slack body upright. This is the most naked he's ever seen her. "Can you hear me?" he asks. Her head lolls around. She's awake, but not really. It's almost like when Lana tries to emote when she's standing upright. We go to opening credits.

Commercials. What I Like About You. Mostly, that I don't watch you.

Smallville Medical Center. It's lit up at night, and painted so many colors that some in the town think they only treat Lego people there. In an exam room, Lana and Jason are with a doctor. Just outside the room, Chloe and Lois wait. Clark shows up. Clark asks about Lana. Chloe says she's all right; Jason pulled a T.J. Hooker and broke the door down. I thought a T.J. Hooker was when you rode on the hood of a car. (Oh, Al and Miles; you should know better.) Lois says that the assailant flew the coop. "So," Lois says in the most grating tone possible. "Have they arrested your arm ornament yet?" I really wish Clark had Super Slapping ability right now. Instead, Clark says, "Wuh?" Chloe, who has on a lot of makeup right now, says that Sheriff Cheshire was around and was asking lots of questions about Lana's being attacked in a locked room. Lois says that KentFan's name came up more than once in a "bunny boiler" kind of way. All right, everybody here is supposed to be around eighteen to twenty-two years old right? Why are they making references that people ten years older would find dated? P.S. I hate Lois. She's so snide and annoying in this episode. What happened?

Clark says, innocently, that KentFan didn't do this. Chloe and Lois exchange a "God, Clark is an idiot" look that I'd normally be right behind. Clark tells them that KentFan has been wearing a lead bracelet that prevents her from teleporting. I thought the bracelet was broken. Lois spews, "Did she also happen to be wearing something low-cut when she spun you that tale, because I'm not sure you're thinking with your big brain here!" First of all: shut the fuck up, Lois. Second: low-cut tops? Thy name is Lois Lane. Third: "big brain"? Just do it, Clark. Nobody's going to see it. Just...SMACK! Clark rolls his eyes slowly and angrily and looks over to Chloe. Chloe translates Lois's dialogue from Bitch to English: she says that just because KentFan says the bracelet limits her abilities doesn't mean it's true. Clark says that KentFan was with him when Lana was attacked. Lois asks if Clark was watching her every second. Sure, the teleporting may have just taken a second, but the attacking would have been a bit longer. Chloe says that KentFan can transport more easily than Captain Kirk. So, teens of America, wanna make some more old pop-culture reference? How about some B.J. and the Bear? Maybe a little My Three Sons? Oh, I know! They should compare someone to Joey Bishop. Lois says that KentFan did try to carve a "Jack-O-Lana" before: "Cut and dry -- emphasis on the 'cut'!" Oh my God, I'm going to stop right here. Just...just...I never thought I'd say this, but I hate Lois much more than I hate Lana right now. Just shut up, Lois! Your guest stint must be over by now. Just go! Clark glances inside Lana's exam room. She's ignoring him. Jason steps out. He tells Clark that Lana doesn't want to see him. Literally. She's looking everywhere except at Clark. Tinkly music of sadness plays.

Kent Kitchen. Sheriff Cheshire is talking to Clark. She says she's getting a funny sense of "deja-view" here. Flipping through her notepad, she asks if they haven't acted out this particular charade before. No, that was Scattergories. Clark lays it all out. He says that KentFan was with him and didn't attack Lana. Sheriff Cheshire, whom I just noticed has a much older lower face than upper face, says she'd better not find out that Clark is covering for his girlfriend; his alibi is the only thing keeping KentFan's "tail" from "jail." Huh. I guess the tail is a meteor power bonus. Meaningful looks are exchanged. Bo shows the sheriff out. Clark complains that the sheriff already has KentFan tried and convicted. Bo says that the sheriff has a point. A woodsy, sarcastic point. "First Las Vegas, now an assault charge," says MamaKent, with her phaser set to "Shrill." "What are you doing with this girl, Clark?" Clark spins and says that KentFan didn't do this. Bo says that Clark's girlfriend has mental problems, and that their relationship isn't healthy: "Why can't you see that?" You know what else isn't healthy? Bacon every morning. Clark complains that his parents always told him to look for the good in people. Oh, baby, that was just crib talk. Clark says that KentFan deserves a second chance. Wasn't her second chance last week? MamaKent interrupts Bo in the pre-platitude windup, and asks why Clark would continue seeing her when he knows how they feel. Because he's not dating you, Mother. Clark says that KentFan has kept his secret, and got shot protecting him. Those are pretty good reasons. "What else does she have to do to prove herself?" Clark whines. Oral? MamaKent asks, "What if she did this?" Did? Didn't? Is? Isn't? Let's not start this up again this week. Clark looks hurt and confused. At the same time, even. Bo stands stoically. "Yeah. What she said."

Offices of The Torch. Chloe is packing some things into her hemp backpack. Lois, standing behind her, asks if she ever feels like getting out more. Chloe asks about Lois's leaving her college campus to come hang out with high-schoolers. Lois says that it's Greek week. Awesome! Spanakopita! Lois, apparently, is not fond of the Greek system. They wear their letters and sing songs. Wow, I've heard some anti-Greek sentiments in my day, but they were never for reasons that innocuous. Lois says they're also having a Power Puking contest. That must be similar to the one we had after the Season 2 finale. Chloe gets it. She asks why Lois would come to Smallville, of all places, for her free weekend. Lois says she likes visiting her li'l cousin. She adds, though, that she's not ready to buy into Chloe's "meteors make freaks" theory. Chloe says that KentFan tried to kill her best friend (Lana or Clark?) twice because of her meteor-given powers. Chloe says that Lana's door was locked; who could have gotten in or out? What if the person had been inside before Lana locked the door, huh? Clark walks up. "That's what I want to know," he says. Clark tells Chloe he wants her to help him figure out if there's anyone else in town with abilities similar to KentFan's. Lois is apparently wearing a wicker chair for a shirt. Chloe says that even if someone like that existed, there's no reason he or she would have it in for Lana. Maybe he or she is a fan of the show.

On cue, Poor Man's Diego Luna pops in to give us our answer. He tells Chloe that he finished an op-ed piece: "Why Lana Lang Should Die: A Study in Unmotivated Plot Churn." "Hey, Lois," he tells Lois. Lois looks like somebody waved a knife at her. Luna-tic stutters his way toward asking Lois out for coffee. Sure, college girls love dorky high-school dudes. Chloe pushes Lois toward saying yes. Lois starts to decline the invitation, but Luna-tic takes that as a yes. The "op-ed" piece is actually a news article with the layout already uselessly done by Luna-tic. It reads, "Smallville's Glory Days. Historical Society Opens Exhibition." Yawn. "Sounds interesting," Chloe lies. Luna-tic promises to tell Lois about it over coffee. She'll need the caffeine. Lois gives Chloe a dirty look. Clark stops Luna-tic to ask him if he saw anything unusual at The Talon the night before. Luna-tic says that Clark's mom was there, and that the blonde girl Clark came with was in the alley. "Maybe they saw something," he tells Clark. Clark looks thoughtful. It's not really a good look for him.

Kent Farm at night. In the Barnness of Accuseitude, Clark is pacing upstairs while KentFan sits against a precarious railing watching him. She says he looks like a big cat in a small cage. Well, he is a pussy. She asks what's wrong. Clark tells her about the guy who mentioned a blonde girl in the alley behind The Talon around the time Lana was attacked. She says simply that it must have been another blonde girl in the alley, because that wasn't her. Clark nods, but still doesn't seem convinced. KentFan acknowledges that people in the town think she did it. Clark says she couldn't have anyway, because she was with him and because she was wearing her...hey! Where's her lead bracelet? Clark has taken her hand, and flies off the handle when he sees she's not wearing it. He even does a tiny actorly step back in surprise. "You lied to me," Clark says. Oh, Clark. Do you not sit upon a bloody throne sewn with the tapestry of your many lies? Does it not pamper your bottom, cushioned by the down feathers of fibs you've told to all your friends? Who is this King of Deceit I must recap every week as he weaves another spiderweb made of the feces of bulls? It is you, Clark. You are that King. I hope it chaps your anus. KentFan stutters that she didn't lie. She says she didn't think she needed the bracelet. KentFan says she couldn't give up her powers; it was worse than being in prison. That's because the prison wasn't Oz. She asks Clark what he'd do if somebody told him he couldn't use his abilities. "Get me on Everwood!" Clark tells his biggest lie to date: he says he'd give them up in a second instead of hurting someone. You hurt people on a weekly basis, jackass! KentFan agrees on that point. She says she's better now. She just wants people to accept her. She tells Clark she thinks that's what he wants, too. Clark looks up at the ceiling. No. Not really. Being an ass is more fun. KentFan holds up her hands in frustration and apologizes for not telling Clark about the bracelet. She says again she didn't do anything to Lana. This time she even swears. Ah, but it's not a pinky swear, so I don't know if we can count that on TV. Clark thinks about the Iraqi elections and whether the disparity in votes among the country's different factions may contribute to more insurgent attacks on U.S. troops. Then he blinks.

The Talon, again at night. Lana is wearing a blue turtleneck that actually makes her look like a turtle. She's telling Jason that she'll be fine for a few hours while he goes to A&M to go hunt through microfiche. MamaKent, cleaning up for the night, watches silently as they discuss. Jason reminds Lana that she was just attacked behind a locked door in her own apartment. Lana says she's not going to let Jason flunk History over her death. Nice. Plus: Microfiche? He can't find some of this stuff online? Clark comes through the door. He ignores Jason and Lana and asks his mom if she's ready to go. MamaKent has a stroke of...not genius exactly, but something like insufferable nosiness. She says that she and Clark can watch Lana. Lana turns, and instead of saying, "We weren't talking to you, lady," is totally fine with the idea. She hands Jason his jacket and tells him to get out. Jason says he won't be long, and gives Clark a serious look. Don't be mussin' up my teen bride, Kent. Clark sighs with his face about four times.

Outside, Jason goes to his car, which is waiting in the back alley. He beeps his car alarm and gets in. The warning music of impending mischief plays. Jason checks his rear-view, even though he's sitting still in an alley. He puts the key in the ignition. Mafia explosion! No, not really. The rear-view suddenly gets skewed, and some dice hanging from it are swinging. He re-adjusts the mirror. Turns on the car. Urp! Something behind Jason is choking him. Jason starts honking the horn as he struggles against an invisible assailant. The choking. The honking. Clark superzips down the alley and comes to the car. He smashes through the window. The pastel scarf around Jason's neck, which was choking him, goes slack. Jason rubs his neck as the attack concludes. We peek down at the rear car door, where a brown dust slips through the crack. Commercials.

I wonder if Catherine Zeta-Jones gets unlimited free peak minutes on her cell phone. These are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night.

Smallville Medical Center. I imagine myself choking on a Cheeto someday while recapping a scene set at this location. Jason is zipping up his wussy shirt in an exam room as his mother, the very comely Jane Seymour, enters. She's wearing a fur-lined top borrowed from Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. She kisses Jason on the cheek and says she came to see if he was all right. He's not at all happy to see his mom. She brought her own doctor. Jason says he's been hurt worse in football. She talks trash about Lana for not being there. (And pronounces it "gallfriend" as if suggesting that the girl is a friend comprised mostly of gall.) Jane Seymour says she's worried about the path Jason is heading down. The one with all the choking. He suggests again that she arranged his meeting Lana. She asks how anyone could arrange for two people to meet and fall in love in Paris. Oh, I think Nora Ephron could do it. Lana comes through the door. Jane puts her son on the spot, telling Lana that they were just talking about her. Jane asks Lana if she really believes that MamaSeymour used some mysterious powers to get Jason and Lana to meet in Paris. This storyline? Absolutely riveting, guys. Kudos to the writers for making me miss my days of recapping Third Watch. MamaSeymour asks what Lana thinks of that. Jason tells Lana she doesn't have to answer. "I think she already has," Jane says, at Lana's dumbfounded look. Naw, lady. She looks like that all the time. Jane comes forward and says regally that she can be overprotective and overbearing when it comes to the women in her son's life, but she insists she had nothing to do with getting the two of them together. Jason tries to interrupt, but is unsuccessful. Jane Seymour says that Lana should be asking herself why her boyfriend would blame their meeting on his mother. Well, played, Jane Seymour. Well played.

Kent Farm, daylight. The sound of a moo-cow reminds us of better days. In the barn, Clark opens up a red tool box and finds a strip of lead he just happens to keep around for a rainy day. He uses his powerful hands to try to shape it into noodle form. It's not exactly plucking a diamond out of a piece of coal, is it? KentFan comes in, walking right past Clark's Super Hearing ability, and says, "It won't work." This storyline -- this whole season, maybe. It won't work. As Clark continues to fidget with his lead loop, KentFan says that the bracelet she wore had to be able to release trace amounts of lead into her bloodstream to keep her from teleporting. I thought Clark already knew that. Clark thinks, "Stupid, stupid lead." "I guess it's the thought that counts," KentFan says sardonically. She adds that it's a pretty ugly thought. "Where were you last night?" Clark asks. Oh, you know, doing the football team. Because he'd react more positively to that than to the alternative. KentFan says she was wondering if Clark would ever call her again. Clark tells her that Jason was attacked. He adds he was there, and shows her the attempted murder weapon. Is this soft scarf yours, KentFan? Because Clark would love to wear it. KentFan says she didn't do it. She doesn't know how the scarf got there. Clark tells her she has to turn herself in. "You don't believe me," she says. Clark says he wants to, but that he has to stop these attacks. KentFan advises him to find the attacker. Clark says everyone thinks it's her. KentFan: "Why? Because of my powers? Because I'm a freak?" She suggests that if everyone knew Clark's secret, he'd probably be a suspect, too. KentFan lectures Clark, asking how his friends would react if they knew he was exactly like KentFan. I think that first, they'd be surprised by his girl parts. Clark, in La-La Land, says they'll go to the sheriff and explain everything and it'll all work out. KentFan thinks about it. She says she'll go if Clark joins her and reveals his secret, too. Clark shakes his head no. "I can't do that," he says. KentFan says that if they do this, everyone will have to accept them both for who they are. "I'm sorry," Clark says. So is KentFan. She says that they'll only be free when everyone knows the truth. "Don't hate me for wanting that," she adds gently. She walks away. She tells Clark goodbye. As he always does when KentFan disappears, Clark thrusts his hand into the green mist of her teleport. What is he trying to do? Karate-chop her in the ribs?

The Talon. Daytime. Sheriff Cheshire is at the counter, sipping a tall cup of coffee. Clark walks in behind her, carrying the scarf. Narc! Narc! The sheriff asks if Clark is there to see MamaKent. "She has almost got that latte machine down," Cheshire says, enjoying her drink. Clark shows Cheshire the scarf, and says he found it in Jason's car after the attack. Shouldn't he have, you know, left evidence there for the police to deal with? "You flip-flop more than a politician, Mr. Kent," says Cheshire. She asks if Clark now thinks that KentFan is guilty. "Maybe," Clark says. Cheshire says she's already been "down that road." Cheshire was interrogating KentFan the night before, during the attack. "There's no way KentFan could have done it," Cheshire says. She leaves Clark to stew on that bit of hard truth for a while. Clark touches the scarf for comfort.

The Torch, after hours. Chloe, dressed pretty formally for late-night work, sips on her "Go Crows" coffee cup and types intently. KentFan walks in to the office, pausing at the Wall of Weird. "'Can any cell hold her?'" she reads from a headline, adding, "Probably not." KentFan gives Chloe the business for writing about Kryptofreaks, when she doesn't know that someone close to her is one of them. "Why are you ignoring what's right in front of your face, Chloe?" KentFan asks. Here's another way that this week's episode is bullshit. Chloe clearly knows something is up. But she acts in this episode as if Clark's powers are a complete blindside. Chloe asks why she should believe KentFan. KentFan says she's going to prove it. Then, she advises, Chloe can write the story of a lifetime. She grabs Chloe by the arm, and they both disappear, side-by-side, in green bursts.

Chloe and KentFan land in KentFan's blue car. Chloe asks what's going on. KentFan says she's giving Chloe her headline and making things better for Clark. As she starts her car, KentFan dials a number on her cell phone. The car takes off in a hurry. KentFan gets Clark on the line and tells him, panicked, that her car won't stop on Old Blosssom Road. Clark tells her to hang on. KentFan accelerates. KentFan tells Chloe that she'll be able to use her "poison pen" to "enlighten Smallville for once." Chloe thinks, "I just wanted to go home and listen to my new Keane album tonight, dammit." As the car hurtles toward some construction cones, KentFan puts her hand on Chloe's shoulder. The two of them disappear from the car. They end up behind some construction equipment, watching the car drive by itself. Clark has appeared, in the path of the car. "Don't worry, Chloe," KentFan tells her. The car hits a pile of dirt in the shape of a ramp, flies up, and flips. Clark catches the car in mid-air and sets it down gently. Good thing the wheels completely stopped turning there. Chloe is amazed. KentFan is vindicated. Clark looks inside the car and sees that it's empty. He goes, "Ruh roh," and superzips away. Chloe, tears moistening her eyes, says, "Oh my God."

Commercials. You would not believe how many truck commercials they make us sit through on TV stations in Texas. Y'all just wouldn't believe it. By the way, I just took a little recapping break to play some Resident Evil 4. It's more fun than this episode.

Oh, awesome. We get to go with Lois on her date. I'd almost forgotten about that little subplot, because it was something I was on pins and needles about. The date takes place in a big red building revealed to be the Smallville Creamed Corn Histori-naseum Exploralearning Center. Luna-tic, making the brave acting choice of speaking with no inflection whatsoever, shows a bored Lois a model of the town, circa 1988, before the meteor shower. It was a simpler time, then. People still remembered the Thompson Twins, and you could wear Members Only jackets without being ironic. Luna-tic says that his father always told him the town was infected somehow by the meteor shower, and that it brought an evil to their town. Lois says it sounds like something from the Sci-Fi Channel. Try ABC Family. Luna-tic says it's one of the few memories he has of his father, who died when he was young. Lois blah blahs about losing someone close when you're young. She says her mom died when she was little. Which explains Lois's deepest character flaws, like, say, lack of any discretion whatsoever. Someone really should have taken her aside and taught her shame. Luna-tic says that his favorite moments with his dad were when he used to talk about the town. Hear that creak? It's exposition badly in need of oiling. Luna-tic goes on a monotone monologue about how nobody in the town knows right from wrong anymore. He brings up morality. He mentions "that football coach dating a student." Does Luna-tic not realize that the girl he's on a date with is friends with that coach and student? Is he a total dumb-fuck? Apparently so, because even his basic male imperative for mating seems to be trumped by his complete lack of common sense here. Did I say oiling? We need some industrial-strength WD-40 up in here. "They're both over eighteen," Lois says. Luna-tic chuckles, and says that doesn't make it right. He says that there are rules, and that if you break them, other people will, too. He tells her it's a good thing they were punished. Lois asks if he thinks Lana and Jason were attacked because their relationship was immoral. Luna-tic takes a second, and then says he thinks they got exactly what they deserved. Wouldn't what they deserved be death, instead of attacks that were interrupted midway through? Lois pretends to look at her watch, and then says, "Wow. Look at the time." She tells Luna-tic that she has to get back to the newsroom. Luna-tic just nods, and then goes back to looking around. After Lois leaves, he dematerializes into a very cartoon-looking whirlwind of dust. It's quite bad. Holy Evil Pig Pen!

Talon. Lois holds a red coffee cup gravely. Taster's Choice is all that's keeping her hanging on to sanity. Lois joins Chloe to tell her about her crappy (but not atypical) date. Lois asks if she's seen Clark. "What?" Chloe asks sharply. "Have I seen Clark do what?" Ha. Chloe says that she has seen Clark. "Where?" Lois asks. "Why?" Chloe asks comically. "Did something happen?" Chloe totally needs to take that act on the road. It's a laugh riot! Lois says she thinks KentFan may not be their psycho killer. She asks again about Clark. Chloe mutters that Clark must be zipping around looking for KentFan. Why isn't KentFan here with Chloe waiting to help her confront Clark? Oh, that's right. Because she's busy getting ready to die. Lois asks if Chloe is all right. She sputters, and then answers that Clark is probably at KentFan's house. Lois says she'll swing by there. Chloe continues to sit and act nervous.

KentFan's house. Luna-tic is going through some of her stuff in KentFan's barn. She asks what he's doing. He tells her flat-out that he's looking for evidence to leave at the murder. There was a murder? "It was you," KentFan says. Ya think? Luna-tic's been framing KentFan, and seems to have no problem telling it to her face and risking getting caught for no good reason. How James Bond villain of him. Luna-tic spiels that this used to be a nice little town. KentFan comes forward telling him that everyone -- including Clark -- thinks she's guilty. When she gets close enough to KentFan, he spins and puts a cloth, apparently with chloroform, over her mouth. Now there's a good five seconds of struggle here where KentFan could have easily teleported. Oh, what, is he using lead chloroform? Bullshit, folks. Utter bullshit. "I already have," he answers to a question that KentFan didn't have a chance to say. Bad line, that. KentFan falls to the floor. Luna-tic puts his little hankie away.

Lair of Lex at night. He's pouring himself a stiff drink. Apparently, he didn't learn his lesson about poisoning. Jane Seymour, wearing a becoming evening dress, comes in. She notices that, yes, Lex grew up. Rrowr. Lex asks her to refresh his memory; he's not aware that they've met. She asks Lex to call her "Genevieve." Whatever you say, Jane Seymour. She says she was on committees with Papa Luthor and Lex's mother. She says that Lex was always the bored little boy at the opera, getting into trouble. "Some of my finer moments, I'm sure," Lex tells her dryly. He asks if he can get her anything. "I assure you my tastes have matured," he says. Perhaps something in a Grapeberry Kool-Aid, my dear? She says sexily that she's sure he's developed a taste for quite a lot of things. Before proceeding, Lex, make sure that the expiration date on the MILF hasn't passed. Jane drinks from the glass Lex offers, even though she didn't tell him what she wanted. She drinks the Scotch. She says she knows Lex has a "relationship" with Lana Lang. Lex asks where this is going. Jane Seymour switches to Dangerous Liaisons mode, saying that her son can't always see the good that's right in front of him, much as that boy at the opera couldn't. She thinks Jason and Lana are throwing their futures away. She gets right up in Lex's face and asks him if he doesn't agree that Jason and Lana's relationship will never work. Lex says he doesn't involve himself with affairs of the heart. Jane brings up Lex's getting Jason fired. "That was a civil matter," Lex lies. He suggests that she talk to Jason herself. Jane Seymour says that she's tried, but that young men don't listen to their mothers. She's hoping Lex will help. Lex says he's not getting involved, but Jane interrupts him to say that he should look at the bigger picture. She says that this could work to Lex's advantage. She says she has information on how Papa Luthor managed to turn over his conviction. Lex takes another drink. She thinks Lex will find the info "interesting." Lex tilts his sifter as if to pour some on the tile for his dead homies. The scene could have gone on longer, but it was interesting, so we should cut away as soon as possible.

KentFan's house. A dog is barking loudly. Clark comes to the barn, looking for her. The camera is shaky as he approaches. Clark calls for KentFan. The dog continues barking toward the barn. Scary music plays as Clark turns and suddenly finds KentFan. She's hanging brutally from a noose. Clark holds her up and eyejaculates at a knot holding the rope in place. The noose falls on KentFan as Clark lays her down on the ground. "No, please, no," Clark whines. CPR, motherfucker! Hospital! Rotate around the Earth or something! KentFan's face is white. Her closed eyelids are purple. Clark starts to cry. "No, no," he says. "Nooooo!" he screams. Then a smaller one: "No!" Clark rears down and lets out a big one: "NOOOOOOOO!" Lana shows up just to say, "Oh my God! What happened?" Clark's eyes look dead. "I think I know who did this," Lois says. Oh, awesome. No need to try to resuscitate anyone here. Clark grits his teeth. He looks crazy! "I know where we can find him," Lois says. Vigilantism, yay! No need to call the sheriff, either, I guess.

Somehow Lois knew that Luna-tic would be hanging out at the Historical Whatever Museum after it was closed. Clark jogs in at normal speed and takes a punch at Luna-tic, who is just standing around for no good reason. Clark grabs Luna-tic and flips him to the ground. Clark tries to do some weird face claw move on him, but Luna-tic dematerializes into dust and slips away. He reappears behind Clark. He taunts Clark, telling him that even Clark thought KentFan was guilty. He keeps his hand a CGI dust color. Very badly done special effects jumpcut as Luna-tic punches Clark and sends him flying across the room. It looks like one of those bad '80s movies where it looks like frames from the film are missing when it should just be one fluid motion. Clark crashes into some inexpensive historical plywood. Luna-tic tries to cheer Clark up by saying that KentFan did try to kill Clark's girlfriend last year. "You tried to kill Lana," says Clark. "What does that make you?" Luna-tic tries to explain with his bullshit logic, pointing to his temple that he's doing what's right for the town. Clark says he killed KentFan. "I loved her and you took that away from me," Clark says, as the two circle around each other. Clark lunges again, but Luna-tic turns into a cloud of dust and spins around Clark. It's a shitstorm! Clark holds his neck as he begins to choke. He eyejaculates a fiery stream. Clark aims the fire at the ground, and we hear Luna-tic scream. He materializes back into human form, going fetal on the ground with some surface burns. His face looks sunburned as Clark picks him up and throws him against a post. "You killed her!" Clark screams, and starts to choke Luna-tic. "All she wanted was a chance," Clark growls.

Lois suddenly shows up. Oh, are you done parallel parking? Nice of you to make it. She tries to get in between them and yells for Clark to stop. "You're killing him!" she says. And he would have killed Luna-tic if not for Lois. What does that say about Clark, now? The choking continues for a few more seconds. "Stop!" Lois insists. "Let him go!" Clark finally does, one brain-damaged villain later. Clark has a single tear coming down his right eye. Did somebody litter? Lois asks if he's all right. Clark looks like he's going to throw up. Lois lies that everything is going to be all right. Oh, just shut up, Lois.

Commercials. I'm sorry, but if you buy a big-screen TV at Wal-Mart, there's really nothing more I can do for you.

Stately Luthor Manor. Jason walks through the double doors. He asks why Lex Luthor would want to see him. Jason guesses it's because Lex wants to lecture him again about dating an eighteen-year-old student. They're really pressing the eighteen-year-old thing, huh? It doesn't make Lana seem any less like a pre-teen. Lex lies that just because he took a hard line on the rules (for once), that doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate "the individuals involved." Uh huh. Lex apologizes for costing Jason his job. He wants to make it up to Jason. Jason says he still hasn't heard from Lex's HR guy about a job. Lex says he has a position Jason might find more appealing. It's called the "Dirty Sanchez." Holy HoYay! It's the Gayest Look of the Episode, out of nowhere! Lex says the job pays $100,000 a year. Jason sells himself way short and says he's not qualified for a job that pays that well. He says his mother must have put Lex up to this. Lex says that Jason's mom is trying to do a lot more than that. Lex says he wants to work with Jason to find out what Jane Seymour is really up to. Well, there's that Dr. Quinn reunion special. Not much else, really. Lex says "The enemy of my enemy..." but doesn't finish it. Jason asks how he knows he can trust Lex. "You don't," says Lex. "But what other choice do you have?" He could...walk out the door and not be a part of this at all? That's a choice, isn't it?

The Barnness of the Great Escapeitude. Clark is sitting, forlorn, bouncing a ball against the wall over and over again. His two useless parents, MamaKent and Bo Duke, come up the stairs. If he were really depressed, he wouldn't be sitting on a comfy rug. MamaKent says that Clark has been up there by himself for two days. Bo comes over and sits on the couch, to where Clark is on the floor. He tells Clark that what happened to KentFan wasn't his fault. Clark says, rightly, that if he'd believed her, she wouldn't be dead. Bo Duke says she was framed: "There's no way you could have known that." Wasn't that the only other explanation for her innocence? Of course Clark could have known that. Clark keeps bouncing the ball. He says he should have trusted KentFan. He says she asked him to go to the sheriff and tell her everything. "But I didn't go," Clark says. He's really bitter this time. Too bad it won't last past this episode. "I was too afraid of what people might think." It's all right, Clark. I still think you're an ass. Clark thinks she might have been right. If people knew what he could do, he says, she might still be alive. Bounce. Bounce. "And I just can't forgive myself for that," Clark concludes. MamaKent looks sad, but not very apologetic about her disapproval in all this. Bounce. This time Clark doesn't bother catching the ball. Bo and MamaKent are the epitome of unsupportive here.

Smallville High School. At her desk at The Torch, Chloe sits, staring at the Wall of Weird. It's pretty big. Lois walks in without knocking, telling Chloe that she's going back to school and has an early class the day. Lois asks if Chloe is looking for clues she should have seen before about Luna-tic's abilities. Chloe says she's seen too much already. She says she's spent the last four years trying to expose meteor freaks. Chloe is packing a box. "I never should have started this wall," she says. Lois says that Chloe is a reporter: "You investigate and expose. That's who you are." "Well, then I guess sometimes it sucks being me," Chloe tells Lois. Chloe is wearing a nice top made out of one of Freddy Krueger's old sweaters. Chloe asks Lois if she'd tell a person that she knew something secret about them. Lois asks if it's a person Chloe cares about. "Yeah," Chloe says sadly. "Has keeping the secret hurt anyone?" Lois asks. Chloe says no. Even though it did kill KentFan. Lois says that her answer is no: she'd keep the secret, but be extra-supportive so that someday that person would be comfortable enough to tell the secret him- or herself. Chloe says that's the last thing she expected to hear from Lois. Lois says she's learned the hard way that people keep secrets for a reason, even from those they're closest to. Lois asks if there's something Chloe wants to tell her. Chloe thinks about it. Lois asks if Chloe is the one with the secret. Chloe smiles, relieved. "No," she says, "it's not me." Lois leaves it at that. She tells Chloe she'll see her in a few weeks. Lois thinks the person Chloe is talking about will tell her eventually. They hug. Chloe wishes Lois a safe drive home. Lois leaves. Chloe walks past a second wing of the Wall of Weird, and approaches the main board. She shakes her head and says, "Clark. Why don't you just tell me?" She takes down some of the stories relating to Clark. She stares at the clippings, close to tears. The one on top reads, "Local teen discovers Indian caves" with a mug shot of Clark about a hundred times too large. Very nice shot from outside the room as Chloe stands at the Wall of Weird.

Sweet music -- which I'll later discover in horror is being sung by Minnie Driver -- plays. Clark is at the old fake-looking graveyard with the funky gravestones. He's staring at a red rose. There's mist everywhere. Clark kneels at a grave. Chloe walks up to him. Thank God it's not Lana. Chloe kneels to Clark and tells him she's sorry. For everything. Clark stares at the gravestone. Chloe says, "It must have been so hard being so different." She says it must have been hard with everyone judging, not knowing if people would accept him. Clark continues to stare. Minnie continues to sing. "I just...I want you to know that I'm here for you," Chloe says, "if you ever need to talk." She puts her hand on Clark's back. Clark stops staring for a minute to acknowledge Chloe: "Thanks, Chloe. I appreciate that." Chloe's lip shakes. She gets up and walks away. Wide shot as Chloe keeps walking and Clark keeps kneeling. Cut to black.

Al: We did it! We killed off Alicia!
Miles: Bravo, Al. Nicely done. Very nicely done.
Al: Yeah, we didn't wuss out like those dudes on Lost. Fuck those guys.
Miles: Yes. So...what now? How will Clark deal with all this week?
Al: ...week?
Miles: Yes. You know. Episode after this?
Al: We...I...we have some football episode where Clark is all giddy because he might be a quarterback.
Miles: Oh, Al...
Al: Shit! I had it in my Blackberry and everything!
Miles: God. I think I can only stand one more year of this. Give Clark the damn tights already.

week: The emotional fallout from KentFan's death continues to devastate Clark as he struggles to find meaning behind the choices he's made and the weight of the secret he keeps while the town mourns a person they horribly misjudged...naw, just fucking with you. It's about college football being awesome. Woohoo! Football makes everything better. Think I'll go watch the Super Bowl now.