Think Unsexy Thoughts

S04E11

By Omar G

Previously: Christmastime was near. I had at least three beers. But never fear. Soon it was New Year's. Still no episodes at which to peer. (Secretly, I said, "Hear, hear!") But no recaps means no new $$$, so with bills I was soon arrears. Now the day I feared is here. I don't really know whether to cry or cheer. So instead, I'll just focus on the sex scenes and leer.

We begin, now without rhymes, in The Talon. For some reason, we begin our journey at floor level, starting from the vendor side of the dessert counter. We pan up a few delicious-looking cakes and settle closer to boob level as a waitress picks up a frothy tri-drink order. There are pumpkin-colored cupcakes nearby. Students are getting their coffee and chat on, trying to look chummy as a heavy camera Steadicams in between their little clusters. The place is unusually packed, and teens, it would seem, just wanna have fun. I wouldn't know. I'm almost thirty, people. THIRTY! What the fuck?! This scene doesn't even look cheesy to me like it normally would. I just wanna be there among the Canadian extras drinking cold prop coffee and pretending to dance to awful temp music. Getting old is no fun. I don't recommend it. Well, except for the lower car insurance rates. That fuckin' rizzocks!

On the plus side, Clark Kent, plaid-wearing male model about town, looks to be having even less fun than me. He sits alone at a tiny table seemingly made to accommodate only one of his legs. He drinks a probably cold coffee as notes and books lie out in front of him. Two hot girls, offering options with their clothing (Tits in or tits out? You decide, Clark) come around the table and ask Clark how he's doing. He says he's trying to figure out this Trig homework. There's no way he's taking Trig. He probably meant woodworking and he has a "twig" assignment. One of the girls -- Blonde Skank (and I mean no disrespect here because while their characters may be skanky, the actresses are quite lovely in a heavily made-up way that -- never mind. I'll shut up now) -- asks if he doesn't already have a scholarship to Metropolis U. He'd better, or there'll be no Saved by the Clark: The College Years. Clark says he doesn't, but that they'll still be looking at his GPA. With a very, very large magnifying glass. The other girl (brown-haired and tits-out) says that when he's done playing with his protractor (heh), he can come to a party later. There's going to be tons of oral sex. At least, that's what Katie Couric says happens at those things. Blonde Skank says that the girl hosting the party has a hot tub. Hey, I'm almost thirty. Where the fuck is my hot tub!? ["Friends of ours bought a house last year and immediately put in a hot tub and I've never been more jealous of any two people in my entire life. Bitches." -- Wing Chun] "Really," Clark says glumly. He's doing what we horny teens used to call "dick trigonometry" in his head. The angles are awesome. Both girls are like, "Yeah!" and smiling and bobbing their heads in sleazy intimation of what will be awaiting at the hot tub. Clark says, "Thanks, but I've still got a lot of work to do here." Okay, now I see where this show falls into the sci-fi/fantasy category. The girls look crestfallen. Who are they going to fellate now? Brown-haired skank tells Clark that he should join them if he finishes. In fact, they'll help him finish if he hurries up. Clark fake-smiles as the girls get up to leave. Then he looks depressed. Fool! Coward! Superhero!

The girls then proceed to go up to some other boys of the dorky-looking variety to invite them over for sexual treats. Clark walks past them to go to talk to...his mother? Oh, mah gawd. "She was cute," MamaKent says, helping the situation out not one iota. Which one did she mean? Clark asks the same question. "Both!" MamaKent says. You know, that one "both" of them girl. She asks if Clark is going to ask one of them out. Aw, geez, mom. Clark sarcastically says that he will so that he can ruin it by having to lie about who he is. It's a blowjob, Clark, not common-law marriage. I don't think you even have to fill out any paperwork for one of those. ["Depends on the state." -- Wing Chun] Clark mentions Lana. MamaKent leans in and tells Clark that there's someone "out there" for him. Why not in there? Half the town is in the coffee shop. "Who?" Clark asks. Sure, why not ask your mom. Clark adds that a girl would have to be crazy to get mixed up with him. MamaKent makes a face. Clark makes a face. It takes up ten seconds of tape.

Did Clark say "crazy"? Why, we've got plenty of that here! A set of black pants and black shoes march down a badly lit hallway while two sets of white pants/white shoes follow. Then we get the back view. A guy with long hair and a beard, and who I momentarily confuse with Papa Luthor ("What? He grew his hair back? The fuuuuuck!?") is wearing a lab coat and walking very briskly. He's got two guards behind him on either side. One of the thugs -- who really should watch how he addresses his superior -- says he can't believe they're going to let a psycho free. "That is what generally happens when a patient is cured," Walking Brisk says. They come upon a glass-doored large room. Holy Peter Horton! This guy's got a serious beard/long hair combo going. He doesn't look like a psych ward doctor so much as the guy who wears a crispy white shirt and ponytail and tries to act like he knows shit about wine that comes in five-gallon jugs when he's taking your order at the Macaroni Grill. He turns on a switch, and a single spot shines down on a girl sitting perfectly in the circle of light. God, I wish I knew some Cabaret lyrics to reference right now. "Alicia," Evil Peter Horton says. "It's time. Oh, SNAP! It's KentFan from "Obsession"! She turns to look at Peter Horton. "Hey, weren't you in that shitty IMAX dinosaur movie, too?" she thinks. Dramatic music plays. We cut to opening credits.

Paulie Walnuts is doing Burger King commercials? This fills me with sadness.

The Barnness of Blowjob-Avoiditude. Clark is wishing he had the superpower to kick himself. He stomps up to his loft as creepy music plays. His telescope, sadly, is pointing up toward the sky. Clark is messing with a ballpoint pen when a sultry voice behind him asks what the town's star quarterback is doing home alone on a Saturday night. Uh...nothing! Why? What did you see? The camera is super-tight on Clark's face as a shadowy woman in a skirt and fugly furry boots stands in the shadows. She emerges. It's KentFan! Cute white top, though. Clark turns to her. We get a rare tight shot of the back of his neck. She stays back and says she's surprised he remembers her name. Clark asks how he could forget. They made out! And got busted! "You tried to kill me," Clark says. Oh yeah. That, too. And Lana. So it kind of evens out then, huh? KentFan looks away. Clark says he'd ask how she escaped, but figures that's pretty obvious. She tells him she didn't; they let her free. She says she's cured. Clark nods, unconvinced. Clark says KentFan could have called instead of teleporting in to his loft. Man, what a dick. Do you ever call people before you whoosh into or out of a scene? I didn't think so. Douche. KentFan says she borrowed her mom's car and drove. I guess her mom forgave her pretty quickly for putting her dad in the hospital.

KentFan holds up her left hand. There's a black strip around her wrist. She says it's a gift from her doctor. Trace amounts of lead are released into her system, keeping her from teleporting. And it reduces her lifespan by about fifty years. Clark says he's glad they think she's better. Not "I'm glad you're better." Asshole. Clark says that doesn't change what happened. KentFan says she knows that. She apologizes for what she put Clark through. She steps forward while saying he's the last person she wanted to hurt. Clark turns away. She does a cute lean-forward, smiling, and says that Clark didn't answer her question. Why is he up there alone on a Saturday night? Damn you, Trig! Clark licks his lips. He tries to sound convincing when he says that maybe he prefers to be alone. Ew. He's asexual like Morrissey. "Because of your secret?" KentFan asks. Clark looks convincingly surprised. KentFan tells him not to worry. She didn't tell anyone. She says she promised. Clark shakes his head, but she stops him. She says that knowing someone out there was different, like she is, comforted her while she was at Belle Reve: "In my darkest moment, you gave me hope, Clark." And, what do we have here? Is this burning an eternal flame? No, wait, that's just Lex. Clark's mouth twitches. KentFan turns to leave. She starts walking down the stairs and says, "Bye." That was absolutely the best move, right there. Never let a guy get tired of you being in his loft.

MamaKent is pouring from a huge pitcher of orange juice the morning in the kitchen. The camera moves up to graze her ample bosom (hey, I didn't shoot the fucking scene, so stop looking at me like that), and then moves over to look at Bo Duke, while we're on the subject of boobs. Bo is asking, incredulously, if they just let KentFan teleport out of Belle Reve. Clark tries to explain about the lead bracelet, and says that KentFan doesn't seem as dangerous anymore. MamaKent says it wasn't just the powers that made her dangerous -- it was her obsession. Remember that episode title, Clark? While you're at it, don't get mixed up with anyone who "Accelerates," anyone who's "Dichotic," or anyone who's "Hotheaded." Bo is mad that KentFan knows Clark's secret. Clark says she kept that secret for over a year. He wonders if maybe she's really cured. Oh, and could you pass the ham? I think that's cured, too. MamaKent says she knows how much Clark wants to be with someone he doesn't have to lie to (she glances at Bo Duke as she says it, as if daring him to lie about what he was really doing out in the pasture last night), but she doesn't think KentFan is the one. Clark asks if he should wait till the cute girl with special abilities comes and knocks on his door. Shit, pick up a comic book. They're everywhere, Clark. Maybe you should try something in an Amazonian chick with a lasso. Bo says that Clark knows what the girl did: "She needs to be in an institution." I guess Bo's not big on rehabilitation. Clark asks why they let her out of Belle Reve, then. Bo has a mental fart that I can smell through the TV. Clark asks, "What if she really is better?" MamaKent asks, "What if she isn't?" But, hey, what if she is? On the other hand, "Isn't?" But still..."Is?" You've got a good argument with "Isn't," though. Bo, wanna weigh in on this? "Burgundy," he thinks. Clark stares, blankly. It's not hard.

At the newsroom of The Torch. Chloe has once again stepped on a ladder to climb high above the law in searching for someone's medical records, this time those of "Alicia Baker," a.k.a. KentFan. For all the shit that Chloe and Clark give each other and other people about not invading privacy, they sure don't have a problem delving into someone else's medical history. What if they saw "scorching gonorrhea" on someone's chart? I think that would go a little something like this: "Isn't." "Damn I'm good," Chloe says, as she pulls up the information online, using, what, Kazaa or BitTorrent? She downloaded it from "supermedicalrecords.org." Chloe gleefully reads the diagnosis. Blah blah blah psychoticepisodecakes. "That's our girl," she says, smiling a lot considering that she's talking about a girl Clark almost boffed last time she was around. Just under KentFan's record, Chloe has also pulled up the file of Evil Peter Horton. God, he looks like he should be in some old French painting, locked in a crotch-clutch with Duke Louis of Nice. "Who's that guy?" Clark asks. Why, you interested? Chloe says it's "Dr. William McBride." Chloe says she's heard of this guy: He graduated from Harvard in two years with "more degrees than a thermometer." It was all over the community papers, right under the elementary-school lunch menus. Chloe asks what the psychiatrist said about KentFan. Chloe scrolls up half a screen to find that very answer. Chloe is surprised to see that the doctor claims KentFan is cured. She looks skeptical, though. Clark marvels: "She was telling the truth." "Is!" He turns and smiles. "I'm totally going to get laid," he almost says to Chloe. Again uncharacteristically, Chloe grins as she surmises that it's exactly what Clark wanted to hear. While she's online, she should try using BitTorrent to download her old spine back.

We're on a generic college campus, watching a very dowdy-looking Lana Lang climbing some stairs. And I'm not just saying that because she's useless. Oh, you got me. That is why I'm saying it. As she climbs up those stairs, we see a sign for "Central Kansas A&M." They have an awesome Master's program in fertilizer. She sees her estranged boyfriend Jason. "What are you doing here?" he asks, keeping his hands firmly in his jacket pockets. Lana sighs and says it's nice to see him, too. But he didn't say -- oooohhhh. Sarcasm. Jason says he didn't expect to see her on campus. Lana says she didn't expect him to say he needed more space and walk out on her. Ooh! It's like she takes what he says and twists it around to make a point. She's practically Voltaire! Jason squints into the distance. Somewhere on campus, a professor just got sucked under a tractor. Lana asks what's really going on here. I do this every week, so please allow me: absolutely fucking nothing. Jason says he just doesn't think Lana is ready for a relationship "like that." Like...what? Lana is confused. Jason asks if she wants to talk about this now. No, she just drove up here for the asparagus seminar series. He says he has to go. Lana scoffs, Napoleon Dynamite-style: "GAW!" The sun shines right at the camera. Ow. Lana is left to sulk in her long white coat. I'm glad we got that crane shot there, because it really makes me feel Lana's isolation. Good show, there, crane-operator dude.

An ice rink, shot from above. Someone is twirling, twirling, twirling. The ice skater twirls off screen as the camera comes down to ice level. Kids in helmets skate around recklessly as Clark Kent clumsily tries to keep his balance on skates while strummy, "MmmBop"-like crap-rock engulfs the rink. KentFan skates up behind Clark and loudly says, "Superpowers can't save you now, Clark Kent." She spins and skates backward as Clark says, "I'm good, I'm good." Are you really, Clark? He skates forward a bit and catches up with her as she holds out her hands. She skates back to him and advises him to bend his knees and glide. KentFan, in her fluffy white coat, says she's glad Clark called her; she didn't think he would after their last date. Clark says she was sick then. He understands. KentFan says she doesn't. She remembers feeling angry and alone, but now it's like watching a movie that wasn't really her. I'm going to just say it: I like KentFan's character. She has tons more chemistry with Clark than Lana ever did, and to some degree, more than Lois has. (Not more than Chloe, but that's a whole other issue.) So, I know things go awry here later, but I think the actress playing her does a great job and makes KentFan both appealing and sad. So, kudos. Clark says maybe that wasn't her: "Maybe this is the real you." She blushes at that. Clark takes a tumble on his ass and pulls KentFan down on top of him. She laughs. The two of them hug on the ice. "Good thing you've got buns of steel," she says. Clark smiles and touches her face. KentFan looks up and sees creepy-ass Evil Peter Horton staring down toward the rink. She tells Clark that she's turning into a Popsicle. She gets up and helps pull him upright. Clark says he does have heat vision. KentFan says she'd settle for hot chocolate. She excuses herself to freshen up. Clark watches her go.

Over on the upper level, KentFan looks around, but is still surprised when she hears, "Enjoying your freedom?" from the doctor. She asks what he's doing there. He says he's checking up on his favorite patient. He takes her hand, and we see a close-up of the lead bracelet. He says it does more than keep her in place. "You lo-jacked me?" she asks. He tells her he has to know where she is so that she doesn't jeopardize her release. And as soon as he saw she was at the ice-skating rink, he knew trouble was afoot, apparently. He brings up Clark. KentFan says that what she does with Clark is her own business. The doctor tells KentFan that her feelings for Clark were what precipitated her "psychotic break." They really love that phrase on Smallville, don't they? "But you said that I was better," she says sheepishly. He suggests more sessions, outside the office. Uh. Oh. He puts a palm to her cheek and says she's such a bright, beautiful girl. I think the doctor wants to make her his McBride. He threatens to send her back to Belle Reve. He advises her to stop seeing Clark before somebody gets hurt.

We know the tension-filled scene is over because some Dido music starts playing. Oh, Dido. You're like a warm chocolate chip cookie to me. I just feel better knowing you're around to keep things sweet and gooey. KentFan comes to the snack area and finds Clark. He smiles at her warmly. He says he thought he'd lost her. She makes light of the situation and says he's not getting rid of her that easily. He hands her hot chocolate. It's cold. "Would you mind?" she asks. Clark looks around. He heats up her cocoa by eyejaculating in it. Ewww! Well, at least she'll never need creamer for her coffee. She thanks him and grins like a little kid. Clark puts an arm around her. He asks what she wants to do . She wants to go on a drive. Clark asks where. "Ever been to California?" she asks. Clark sarcastically says, sure, let's jump in the truck right now. She bites the rim of her paper cup. Interesting acting choice. Clark asks if she's serious. Tight close-ups. She nods, still biting the cup. Clark says that going to California would be... "Crazy?" she asks. She sighs and says she knows it's nuts, but she just wants to go to a place where nobody knows who she is or what she did. Fair enough. "And I want you to come with me," she says. My heart, folks. It just melted. I really want to like this character. Is that so wrong? Clark looks around and takes his arm back. "I can't," he says. Which is, frankly, complete bullshit, because Clark didn't mind taking a jaunt to Florida when The Flash wanted to go pick up chicks in Miami. Is KentFan not boy enough for you, Clark? And don't give me shit about her not being able to teleport. Clark could carry her and run there in like fifteen seconds. Clark tells her no, pretty much, as much as he'd like it. He asks if everything is all right. She sighs and says she has to go. She leaves, flustered, and tells Clark she'll call him later. Clark looks thoughtful, which is a tiny bit harder than looking blank.

Dido continues to sing chocolate chip cookies while KentFan breaks into The Torch. There's shaky camera movement. KentFan starts hunting through drawers. She looks through shelves and files. She finds a drawer with a red case. She pulls out a class ring with a familiar red stone. She uses a glass orb from Chloe's desk to smash it and dislodge the piece of red Kryptonite from the ring. She holds the small red jewel against the light of a desk lamp. Wanna play us out, Dido? Mmmm...semi-sweet.

Commercials. Finding Neverland. I've only seen that and Sideways of the Oscar Best Picture nominees, and I can say those two movies are exactly the opposite of each other. But still they're both worth seeing, definitely. ["Eh. If you've seen Chocolat, you've seen Finding Neverland. They both kind of blow." -- Wing Chun]

Stately Luthor Manor. Oh, I remember this place! Wow, it's been months, huh? Inside, two masked foes are fencing. Epees clatter. As someone comes in through the double doors, Lex gets pinned in the chest. The foil bends as it nails him, just like he likes it. It's Papa Luthor at the door, looking -- in his brown suit and white shirt with the top buttoned unbuttoned -- like a cool English lit professor. "The prodigal father returns," Lex says. I hate that fucking expression, "the prodigal son returns," whether it's the correct usage or some variation on it. Lex takes off his fencing mask, and a comely young blonde -- who schooled Lex just now -- takes off hers. She fluffs her hair as Papa Luthor walks right past her. Papa Luthor says he's tried calling, but Lex hasn't responded. He asks if Lex has been too busy "playing with his sword" to speak to his father. Lex takes off his fencing jacket and says he's been preoccupied with court papers, trying to figure out how Papa Luthor got out of jail. Papa Luthor says he doesn't think Lex will figure it out there as, in the background, Lex gives his sparring partner a quick kiss and sends her on her way. Papa Luthor, in tight foreground close-up (the shot of choice this week), says it was a miracle. He says, with emotion, that he must use that freedom toward a "greater purpose." If he wanted to, he could join PETA's marine division and put it toward a greater porpoise. Lex gets up in his face as the camera switches to a profile two-shot and says that Papa Luthor won't be coming back to LuthorCorp and lining his pockets with company money. Papa Luthor says he doesn't want money, nor to take Lex's stake in the company. He says that corporate maneuvering doesn't interest him anymore. Lex: "So, what, now trying to kill me is going to be a full-time job?" Papa Luthor tries to reason that Lex is coming from a place of anger, and that Papa Luthor understands that. He says it's not too late for Lex to get off the path leading to darkness. Wow, way to take the Magnificent Bastard out of a character. Lex asks what Papa Luthor is really up to. "I am trying to make the world a better place," he says, desperately. So get the fuck out of the way, world! Papa Luthor says he's creating a charitable foundation to really help people and inspire the human spirit. Like, gag. He says he wishes everyone on earth could be as blessed as him. Lex looks at him with a small smile, trying to see where the line of bullshit has been drawn. He leans forward: "So now you're the Messiah?" Papa Luthor sputters that he's not. He says he's just a man with a dream. He smiles goofily. So, he'll be dead soon from being so good, right?

The Barnness of "I should have gone to California"tude. Clark is putting down a huge box filled with little wooden birdfeeders. Uh, all right. He walks by and is surprised when KentFan puts her hands on his eyes from behind. "Guess who!" she giggles. You're lucky he didn't grab you by the skull and pitch you thirty feet through a barn wall. He says warmly that he thought she'd be halfway to California by now. She says that her bags are in the car. "What's going on?" Clark asks. She walks away, toward the camera, for another of those shots. She comes clean to Clark about the psychiatrist and his threat to her. Clark suggests that they go to the review board at Belle Reve and tell them about the doctor. KentFan says she can't risk having her probation revoked. He asks what they'll do if she runs. "As long as I'm free, I don't care," she says. She puts her arms around Clark's neck and asks him to come with her. He says he wants to, but that running isn't the answer. "Trust me, I know," he adds. She looks very sad as she says she wishes she were as strong as Clark. She says she's not. She walks away and tells Clark she made something for him before she got out of Belle Reve. She takes it out of her bag. "I guess now it's a goodbye present," she says. She's got multiple pieces of red Kryptonite on a thick black necklace. She unlatches it and asks Clark to wear it just once. He doesn't say anything. She puts it on him. Grinding noises play. Clark does that Omen look as the camera trick where the background seems to recede as the foreground comes close is employed. Clark's got red glowing eyes. EvilClark! He smiles. Now that's what he's talkin' 'bout.

The Torch. Chloe is working part of her sixty-hour workweek as Lana walks in. Chloe says she missed Lana at AP Lit class. She asks if Lana couldn't stand to hear the love song of J. Alfred Prufrock. Lana says she went to see Jason. Chloe surmises that it didn't go well. She stops working on her computer and asks what's up. Lana stretches out to unbelievable proportions a sentence where she says she's figured out why Jason is being so cryptic. Foreground/background shot. Lana explains about "that kind" of relationship. Chloe asks what that means. Lana shoots her a look and Chloe figures it out. Ohhhh. The naughty kind. Awkward! Chloe says that answers a question she's been dying to ask Lana all semester. They're close friends, but she didn't feel she could ask about that? Lana asks if everyone thinks she and Jason are doing it. Chloe gives Lana the "you're a child" business by explaining that they were alone together for three months in Paris. Lana, still not understanding, is like, "Right." Now, Jason's pent-up sexual frustrations from those three months are on display in The Louvre as a sculpture of a horned demon named Pinkballed.

Lana says they haven't had sex. Color me shocked. Lana says she's starting to think she's ready. Chloe looks at Lana like she's nuts. I'm waiting for Lana to ask, "So, he just puts it in my belly button, or what? And then a baby comes out?" Lana says she thinks that since Jason is in college, he might be used to relationships that are a little more adult. More adult than, say, Bob the Builder? At least that show has erections. Chloe says that, at the risk of going Afterschool Special on Lana, two-thirds of those who did it before they were eighteen regret it. I know there's been discussion of it, so here's a release about the study Chloe is citing, one that is frequently taken out of context by "family" organizations, at least based on my admittedly cursory peek at some of the websites that use the data. Bear in mind, this is the same Health and Human Services department that funds programs telling students that they can get AIDS from sweat in some of its federally funded sex-ed programs. Lana nods, accepting Chloe's scientific wisdom. Chloe tells Lana not to make a decision like that just to keep Jason. She says that on behalf of that two-thirds from the study, Lana should just make sure she's ready. Lana is like, "Wha? You? Sex? But you're a secondary character! You're not allowed to have sex unless it's as a bad example! Ohhhhh. You are a bad example! Awesome!" Lana takes about six months to figure out what Chloe is saying. Chloe says it was during her internship at The Daily Planet. "His name was Jimmy (!), and he was cute in a bowtie kind of way." Which way is that? So Jimmy Olsen is the same age as Clark and Chloe? Or older? Chloe says it was a summer infatuation. Lana asks whether Chloe regrets it. "Sometimes," she says. She says it wasn't awful, but it wasn't special. It rarely is the first time, gals. Chloe says it only happens once, and for Lana to make sure Jason is the right guy. Lana looks like she's going to cry. Man, sex is hard!

But not for Clark...In the Barnness of Hottitude, there are clothes scattered on the floor. Clark and KentFan are on the couch, mackin' down. Clark stops to look at her, and then they keep kissing. Clark gets hot and heavy. KentFan asks him to slow down. She's down to a bra and skirt. Clark is shirtless. KentFan wants this to last forever. Clark says he's not sure if that's one of his abilities, but he'll try his best. He kisses her neck and she stops him for real this time, sitting up. She pulls her hair back, overheated. "What is it?" Clark asks. She shyly says that she's a virgin. Clark laughs, which would be cruel if he didn't follow with "That's great. So am I!" She wants to know if they have any kind of commitment. "Baby, no one's more committed to making this happen than me," he says. Yow. He pins her down and says she's the most beautiful, most amazing, sexiest girl he's ever met. He says he'd never let her go. She laughs and asks if that means he wants her to be his girlfriend. "No," he says, "I want you to be my wife!" Ruh-roh. "Are you serious?" she asks. Clark sits up. He gets on one knee by the side of the sofa. He tells her they're meant to be together. Wow. This sounds like a little more than pillow talk. He tells her they can be in Vegas that night and wake up as Mr. and Mrs. Kent that morning. Wow, getting married for some nookie? I guess it worked for Nick and Jessica. KentFan squeals and straddles Clark on the floor, horsey-style. They kiss passionately. Clark reaches down KentFan's arm. He removes her lead bracelet. It falls to the floor. More kissing. Chemistry! A close-up of the bracelet on the floor. We see a green flash of light in the room, signifying great and sudden teleportation!

Commercials. Verizon has Smallville ringtones! I want the one that says, "Two-thirds of teens who have had sex before they're eighteen say they regret it."

We come back to a too-brief flyover of the Vegas strip. Rock! We cut to the gaudiest wedding chapel ever -- gaudy even for Vegas. Did you know Vegas is the one place in the world where they use more neon lighting than Smallville and Metropolis? There's bronze cupids, an old lady playing the piano, and pink and blue neon lighting throughout the tiny chapel. The minister, who's stereotypically older and serious-sounding (I would have preferred El Vez, the Mexican Elvis) lectures that marriage is not something to be taken lightly. Now, here, cash these marriage chips in for a nice lox buffet. Clark, wearing a solid black suit, tells "Pops" to skip to the good stuff. KentFan, looking very nice in a wedding dress, giggles. The minister, wearing a weird ribbon tie, appears flustered and grabs an index card with their names on it. Having just been married last year, I can tell you that people who perform weddings are the least flusterable people on the planet. You could have a stabbing in a pew right in the middle of the "I Do"s and the minister will make a cute and heartwarming joke that'll put everything back in perspective. They've seen it all. So if you're going to have someone perform your wedding who hasn't done it before, make sure they're charming and funny and unflappable. (Like, say, my boss on this site.) ["Oh, I was nothing but flap, I promise you." -- Wing Chun] But I digress...Clark slips a ring onto KentFan's finger. When asked if he takes this bride as his blah blah blah, he says, "Hell yes!" Amen! The minister asks KentFan the same question. Fuckin' A! Er, "I do," she says. Aw. "You may kiss the --" the minister begins, but Clark is already off the races with a heavy-duty smooch. I can no longer watch Smallville in HD (I know, it's very sad; blame my move to New Braunfels and a weak WB signal from Kerrville), but I can still see Clark's heavy rouge. The minister is again flustered by this shocking turn of events. More kissing. The older lady at the piano with the big fake white hair grins as she plays. All right, show. Mission accomplished: you made the wedding look cheesy and wrong. Clark lifts KentFan into his arms and superzips the hell out of there. The minister and the piano lady are like, "Who? In the whaaaa?"

Warning: Fanboy (or girl) stroking material ahead. Not that I think you guys would but...ugh. I've seen some of the fansites and this is about as wanky as this show gets. Clark carries KentFan through the double doors of their honeymoon suite. It looks like the inside of Liberace's ass -- tasteless, yet oddly romantic. There's red lighting everywhere, the obligatory heart-shaped bead, plush carpeting. I'm not saying I'd want to live there, but...oh, screw it. I'd totally want to live there. Some real Elvis Presley music plays: "It's Now or Never." Word. KentFan grabs the train of her wedding dress and spins several times. She's giddy! She stumbles and says her head is swimming. Clark, smiling lecherously, tells her not to drown yet. She hops on the bed. She cries that she can't believe it. The camera, which has been doing very interesting things all episode, zooms in on her as she strikes a pose and says, "I'm Mrs. Clark Kent." Clark unburdens his suspenders and bolts forward as he says, "Let's make this official!" Boy, howdy. She squeals off-camera as the song ends with a "Dum, dum, dum!" And it's not even talking about Clark this time.

Someone is lighting about 5,000 candles. Must be Lana. Lana is in her above-Talon apartment wearing what appears to be a castoff nightshirt from Frontier House. Seriously, could she be any more Laura Ingalls Wilder up in this beeyatch? Jason appears at the slightly open door and knocks softly. Lana blows out her long match and takes a deep breath before turning to face him. Is that John Goodman's shirt, Lana? Jeez! "You're early," she tells Jason. Yeah, and she's late for Little House on the Prairie. Jason says he got her message; it sounded like an emergency, so he came as soon as he could. To find Ma Kettle over here. Lana says this isn't exactly how she planned it. In her fantasy, there were koala bears and an Easter Bunny.

Jason closes the door. He ignores my psychic message to him not just to run, but to kick Lana in the gut as he goes, to slow her down. Lana says she wants Jason to look her in the eye and say that he doesn't love her. Here, Jason, let me. "NO LOVE!" Jason shrugs. Lana whispers that then there's no good reason why they shouldn't be together. I have one good reason: Lana. Lana starts to unbutton her ungodly huge manshirt from the stomach up. Jason is like, "Urk!" He stops her. Oh praise merciful Jesus. Jason says he'd love for this to happen...but it can't. At least not with her. And not like this. He likes stirrups. "Maybe his herpes flared up," my wife suggests as she passes by. That's why I love her, folks. Luckily, my wife's herpes are totally under control. Lana, age seven, says she thought he broke up with her...you know...because he did all for the nookie. The nookie! The nookie! Jason is suddenly in the Weird Girl-Child Zone and he ums and aws appropriately. Lana shakes her head. Jason says he hasn't been completely honest. Foreground/background shot. Lana thinks there's someone else. No, not really. Then what's up? Jason says he doesn't think they met by accident. He thinks his mother arranged it. Lana asks how that's possible. Jason says his mom was the one who convinced him to go to Paris in the first place and promised him he'd meet someone there. He brings up the tattoo and Isabel's tomb and the spell book and Lana's bad dream. I keel over from exhaustion at all those memories. Lana says it was just a dream. Jason says maybe it was her subconscious connecting the dots. Lana is like, "The...what are dots?" Lana says that doesn't change the way she feels about him. My wife, who hasn't seen the whole episode, asks why Lana is so horny all of a sudden. Jason and Lana hug. Lana's parchment shirt rubs against Jason's clothes and catches fire. Legendary music group The Police sues for copyright infringement over the gajillion candles lit up in the apartment.

Horny time. Crazy energy music is playing. Clark is chasing KentFan all over the room. He knocks over some trays and goblets with rose petals and other marital essentials to clear room on the bed. Clark grabs KentFan by the waist and carries her over. Kissing. Neck kissing. Clark rips off the top of KentFan's dress. Scandalous! She'll soon be outraged by this beast among men! She puts her shoe on his chest and kicks him back so he's sitting on a leopard-print chair. She's down to her corset, garters, panties and stockings. All white. All right. She jumps on his lap, straddling him again as they kiss. She gets up and Clark makes out with her against a column. This is like...hot, people. I'm not even joking. This whole season has been pretty hot and heavy, huh? Clark rips off the corset. Oh I get it. This is the video for Devo's "Whip It." Man, more kissing. Clark leans in, and KentFan disappears in a green mist. She reappears on the bed, behind a pillow. She waves to him and then bites her nail. It's kind of coquettishly creepy. Clark superzips to the bed, and there's more making out. She tells him she loves him so much. "I know how you feel," he says. No, literally. He's been pawing her all day. As Clark starts to get going, she tells him to wait. Clark says, "We don't have to wait, we're married." I make a mental note to take Clark aside later and tell him a thing or two about marriage. She tells him, as he goes at her neck, that she wants this to be right. She unclasps the necklace. "I want all of you," she says, as they keep kissing.

Clark's eyes suddenly go red and the music goes all serious. "What did you do to me?" Clark asks suddenly. His boner goes, "Shriiiiiiiink." "Don't be mad," says KentFan. Clark asks how she knew about the red Kryptonite. She says she knows everything about him. Even about the "Shriiiiiiiink." KentFan says they were meant to be together. "You...you drugged me," Clark says shakily. He gets out of bed and pulls back his hair. She says she didn't know what to do; she couldn't stay in town and she didn't want to leave without him. Clark looks horrified. I'm not going to get into the whole date rape debate here. Just making a note that the debate exists on whether what she was doing was akin to that. But her goal here wasn't really sex; it was to be Clark's girlfriend. And I think that would have happened even without the red rock. The sex? Who knows. Like I said, I'm staying out of that one. KentFan suggests that she was trying to get Clark to listen to his heart instead of his head, for once. Clark angrily says that KentFan doesn't even realize what she did was wrong. He asks what's wrong with her. She says he could have hooked up with any girl, but he chose her. He says the rock made him do it. She yells back that she doesn't think it forces him to do things he doesn't want to do. She thinks it just dampens his inhibitions. She gets close to him. "Clark Kent got himself into this situation," she says. "Clark Kent asked me to marry him. Clark Kent brought me into this hotel room to make love to me." True dat. Clark thinks for a second, and then pulls back. "Maybe Clark Kent made a mistake." Maybe Clark Kent needs to stop getting what he keeps whining for on this show and then pushing it away. Clark puts on his shirt. KentFan says, "No, I did." She disappears in a green mist. Clark reaches for her, but she's gone. Well, Clark. Just you and me now. Waste of a room, now, isn't it? Why don't you fire up the Spank-a-Vision on the TV?

Kent Farm. Clark is in the barn, on the phone. He's asking Chloe to call him back if she hears anything. Out of the shadows emerges one Evil Peter Horton. He says he warned KentFan to stay away from Clark. He was teasing her: "If you like Clark Kent so much, why don't you just go MARRY HIM!" And, well... Clark asks where she is. Upon further reflection, I think this guy looks more like one of the Oak Ridge Boys. The doctor says that KentFan called him, hysterical, wondering if she might not be better after all. Clark lays it on the table: he knows about this guy's shenanigans. The doctor boasts that KentFan is his greatest achievement. Not bad, really. He says he made her whole again. Now look what Clark did. Clark says she was trying to get away from the doctor. The doctor says that Clark stalked her, kidnapped her, and forced her to go to Vegas. Whaaaa? Doc says that's what he'll tell police when he takes Clark there. How is that story ever going to fly, dude? KentFan's the one who was released from Belle Reve. Idiot. Doc pulls a gun on Clark. Ha ha. This is awful. He says he's studied Clark. He says he knows how Clark always shows up at crime scenes. He says it's the sign of a troubled teen. They don't send kids like Clark to jail; they send them to Belle Reve. He really thinks he's going to get Clark to jail with a gun? Oh, poor Evil Peter Horton.

A green light suddenly flashes behind EPH. It's KentFan, of course. She says, "Stop it." Oh, all right then, I'll just stop -- HEY! She's wearing a very conservative shirt and sweater. Clark tells her to get out of there. "Don't tell her what to do!" the doctor snaps. Ha. He's stupid. KentFan apologizes sincerely from over the doctor's back. She says she feels normal when she's with Clark. She says she'll always love him for that. The doctor starts to lose it, yelling at her not to let Clark hurt her again. He spins and shoots his gun at Clark. The bullet flies in CGI. KentFan disappears again. We see her POV as she teleports and reappears in front of Clark. She takes the bullet right in the chest. OUCH! She spins and falls into Clark's arm. The doctor is like, "I...uh...I'll just be going, now." KentFan falls, her chestal area all bloody. Clark lays her down gently. The doctor comes to help and, whups, he gets smacked by Clark thirty feet in the air and through some barn plywood. KentFan, weakening, says they should get to a hospital. Clark asks why she did that, since she knows he could have stopped the bullet. Yes, Clark, but, HOSPITAL. NOW! She says she promised she'd always protect his secret. "I promise," she says, and seemingly expires.

Commercials. The gingerbread man from Shrek is doing Wal-Mart commercials. I say we boycott gingerbread.

Smallville Medical Center. Dammit! That one caught me by surprise. Clark is visiting KentFan. If she'd been around in an earlier season, she surely would have been killed off. In fact, didn't Clark lose a girlfriend to a gunshot wound before? Clark asks how KentFan's feeling. "Like I just teleported in front of a bullet," she says. And, cutely: "Ha ha...ow." Clark says they might release her today. Wow, that's fast. She asks about the doctor. Clark says they're holding him at Belle Reve for trying to kill one of his patients. KentFan apologizes again. She says she didn't want to lose the one good thing in her life. Clark smiles. He's a good thing! Clark says that drugging him wasn't the best way to do it. They watch each other. Clark takes her hand. He tells her he wanted her with or without the rock. "Past tense noted," she says. See? Was that so hard? Why does Lana have to be so dense when this girl picks up on subtlety? Oh, I know why. Because Lana's stupidity is supposed to be virtuous somehow. And why do I even care? Damn you, Smallville! You got me all riled up again! Clark tells KentFan to get some rest. She clings to Clark's hand as he pulls it back. As he's about to go, KentFan calls his name. "I really am sorry," she says, "You know that, right?" Clark says he does. He turns to go. He places her broken lead bracelet on the tray by the bed.

The Lair of Lex. Papa Luthor enters. Clark is sitting by the fireplace. Papa Luthor says there's nothing like a warm fire on a cold night. One more for the road: foreground/background! One episode and I'm already tired of it! It's this year's "star wipe." Lex says he knows that Papa Luthor is busy saving the world, and thanks him for coming by. Papa Luthor says he thought Lex's phone call was an olive branch, but obviously he was wrong. He starts to go. Lex asks where he's going: "The motel by the interstate?" Papa Luthor smiles. Lex goes further toward cruelty. He says his dad might still be able to make it to the mission for his evening bowl of soup. Papa Luthor says the motel serves a surprisingly tasty Salisbury steak. Lex points his poker at Papa Luthor and smiles. He hands it to Papa Luthor for throwing himself into his new role. Papa Luthor says it's not an act. He says Lex should know that, since Lex has had Papa Luthor followed ever since he was released. Papa says he's not playing an elaborate game. He's making the best of being penniless. He says, with a bit of the old Papa, that it is about time for his evening bowl of soup. Papa gets up to leave. Lex stops to tell him that he can stay in the guest house. "Thanks," Papa Luthor says. He tells Lex it'll be a lot easier to keep an eye on him. "Goodnight, Dad," Lex says. Papa Luthor acknowledges it, and then leaves. Given that there wasn't a single male-male scene (or really woman-woman since I don't count Lana), there will be no Gayest Look of the Episode this week. There were fathers and sons, true, but I don't play that.

Kent Farm. MamaKent slowly comes down the stairs to find Clark at the kitchen table. Clark asks if his father is still upset. "What do you think?" MamaKent asks sharply. Clark asks if she's mad. "I'm upset," she says. She says more than that, she's disappointed. Clark -- who just told someone that he would have wanted her with or without red rock -- blames the incident on red Kryptonite. MamaKent can't believe he ran off and got married. "It wasn't legal!" Clark says. Then MamaKent unloads with both barrels: "That's not even the point. Marriage is sacred, Clark! It's about two people who trust each other and are willing to go through life together no matter how difficult it gets. I thought we had taught you that!" Damn! I guess I know one household that wasn't watching Married by America. MamaKent says that Clark is amazing; he makes life-and-death decisions every day. "Why did you do this?" she asks. Clark is crying! He sheds a tear from his left eye! Holy emoting, Superman! He says, desperately, that there's a part of him that never feels freer than when he's with KentFan. MamaKent doesn't look convinced. He says KentFan makes him feel normal and special at the same time. MamaKent says she knows how badly he wants to be with someone, but she just expected him to show better judgment. Red Kryptonite, mom, shit! She would have rather Clark had the threesome in the hot tub earlier? I really hope all the weird mixed messages in this episode aren't more FCC fallout, because that would be truly sad. Clark, belectured, cries a little more. Let it out, Clark. Let it out.

Strummy not-all-that-bad music (Jonathan Rice, it turns out) plays in the Barnness of just-got-tolditude. Clark is moping as KentFan walks in. I half-expect MamaKent to run in and stab her with a pitchfork. She says she knows why Clark is alone. Clark comes down to meet her. They meet halfway up the stairs. Clark notices that she's wearing the lead bracelet again. The one that was hopelessly broken? She says it keeps her grounded. She thanks Clark. "For what?" he asks. For helping her to be a better person. Clark helping someone to be a better person? It's certainly not by example, that's for sure. Clark says he has faith in her. KentFan says she knows they can never be together after what she did, but that doesn't change how she feels: "For as long as I live, I'm never going to reveal your secret." She hesitates. "I love you," she says, almost inaudibly. "That's all." She walks down the stairs and toward the exit. Clark calls for her to wait. He turns her around. KentFan begins to cry, hard. He pulls her to his chest. Clark looks pained. The camera pulls back on them as they stand there, hugging, at the bottom of the barn. Finally! A end-of-episode barn scene that doesn't suck. And yes, I got a little teary-eyed there. I'm not made of, like, stone here dammit.

Obligatory sex PSA: Allison Mack, in Chloe clothes on the set of The Torch, says: "Sex is too important not to talk about. Now is the time to get the right answers and to make the right decisions. Whether you're a parent or a teen, find out more at TeenPregnancy.org (it appears on screen)." I did a cursory search on this organization, and Planned Parenthood has links to it from their site, so I'm guessing (though I could be wrong here) that it's not some crazy front for ultraconservative groups.

So. Shall we do this again week? I hear somebody might learn Clark's secret. Oh boy! Check ya then.