Previously: Christmastime was near. I had at least three beers. But never fear. Soon it was New Year's. Still no episodes at which to peer. (Secretly, I said, "Hear, hear!") But no recaps means no new $$$, so with bills I was soon arrears. Now the day I feared is here. I don't really know whether to cry or cheer. So instead, I'll just focus on the sex scenes and leer.
We begin, now without rhymes, in The Talon. For some reason, we begin our journey at floor level, starting from the vendor side of the dessert counter. We pan up a few delicious-looking cakes and settle closer to boob level as a waitress picks up a frothy tri-drink order. There are pumpkin-colored cupcakes nearby. Students are getting their coffee and chat on, trying to look chummy as a heavy camera Steadicams in between their little clusters. The place is unusually packed, and teens, it would seem, just wanna have fun. I wouldn't know. I'm almost thirty, people. THIRTY! What the fuck?! This scene doesn't even look cheesy to me like it normally would. I just wanna be there among the Canadian extras drinking cold prop coffee and pretending to dance to awful temp music. Getting old is no fun. I don't recommend it. Well, except for the lower car insurance rates. That fuckin' rizzocks!
On the plus side, Clark Kent, plaid-wearing male model about town, looks to be having even less fun than me. He sits alone at a tiny table seemingly made to accommodate only one of his legs. He drinks a probably cold coffee as notes and books lie out in front of him. Two hot girls, offering options with their clothing (Tits in or tits out? You decide, Clark) come around the table and ask Clark how he's doing. He says he's trying to figure out this Trig homework. There's no way he's taking Trig. He probably meant woodworking and he has a "twig" assignment. One of the girls -- Blonde Skank (and I mean no disrespect here because while their characters may be skanky, the actresses are quite lovely in a heavily made-up way that -- never mind. I'll shut up now) -- asks if he doesn't already have a scholarship to Metropolis U. He'd better, or there'll be no Saved by the Clark: The College Years. Clark says he doesn't, but that they'll still be looking at his GPA. With a very, very large magnifying glass. The other girl (brown-haired and tits-out) says that when he's done playing with his protractor (heh), he can come to a party later. There's going to be tons of oral sex. At least, that's what Katie Couric says happens at those things. Blonde Skank says that the girl hosting the party has a hot tub. Hey, I'm almost thirty. Where the fuck is my hot tub!? ["Friends of ours bought a house last year and immediately put in a hot tub and I've never been more jealous of any two people in my entire life. Bitches." -- Wing Chun] "Really," Clark says glumly. He's doing what we horny teens used to call "dick trigonometry" in his head. The angles are awesome. Both girls are like, "Yeah!" and smiling and bobbing their heads in sleazy intimation of what will be awaiting at the hot tub. Clark says, "Thanks, but I've still got a lot of work to do here." Okay, now I see where this show falls into the sci-fi/fantasy category. The girls look crestfallen. Who are they going to fellate now? Brown-haired skank tells Clark that he should join them if he finishes. In fact, they'll help him finish if he hurries up. Clark fake-smiles as the girls get up to leave. Then he looks depressed. Fool! Coward! Superhero!
“ Clark makes a face. It takes up ten seconds of tape. ”
The girls then proceed to go up to some other boys of the dorky-looking variety to invite them over for sexual treats. Clark walks past them to go to talk to...his mother? Oh, mah gawd. "She was cute," MamaKent says, helping the situation out not one iota. Which one did she mean? Clark asks the same question. "Both!" MamaKent says. You know, that one "both" of them girl. She asks if Clark is going to ask one of them out. Aw, geez, mom. Clark sarcastically says that he will so that he can ruin it by having to lie about who he is. It's a blowjob, Clark, not common-law marriage. I don't think you even have to fill out any paperwork for one of those. ["Depends on the state." -- Wing Chun] Clark mentions Lana. MamaKent leans in and tells Clark that there's someone "out there" for him. Why not in there? Half the town is in the coffee shop. "Who?" Clark asks. Sure, why not ask your mom. Clark adds that a girl would have to be crazy to get mixed up with him. MamaKent makes a face. Clark makes a face. It takes up ten seconds of tape.
Did Clark say "crazy"? Why, we've got plenty of that here! A set of black pants and black shoes march down a badly lit hallway while two sets of white pants/white shoes follow. Then we get the back view. A guy with long hair and a beard, and who I momentarily confuse with Papa Luthor ("What? He grew his hair back? The fuuuuuck!?") is wearing a lab coat and walking very briskly. He's got two guards behind him on either side. One of the thugs -- who really should watch how he addresses his superior -- says he can't believe they're going to let a psycho free. "That is what generally happens when a patient is cured," Walking Brisk says. They come upon a glass-doored large room. Holy Peter Horton! This guy's got a serious beard/long hair combo going. He doesn't look like a psych ward doctor so much as the guy who wears a crispy white shirt and ponytail and tries to act like he knows shit about wine that comes in five-gallon jugs when he's taking your order at the Macaroni Grill. He turns on a switch, and a single spot shines down on a girl sitting perfectly in the circle of light. God, I wish I knew some Cabaret lyrics to reference right now. "Alicia," Evil Peter Horton says. "It's time. Oh, SNAP! It's KentFan from "Obsession"! She turns to look at Peter Horton. "Hey, weren't you in that shitty IMAX dinosaur movie, too?" she thinks. Dramatic music plays. We cut to opening credits.
Paulie Walnuts is doing Burger King commercials? This fills me with sadness.
The Barnness of Blowjob-Avoiditude. Clark is wishing he had the superpower to kick himself. He stomps up to his loft as creepy music plays. His telescope, sadly, is pointing up toward the sky. Clark is messing with a ballpoint pen when a sultry voice behind him asks what the town's star quarterback is doing home alone on a Saturday night. Uh...nothing! Why? What did you see? The camera is super-tight on Clark's face as a shadowy woman in a skirt and fugly furry boots stands in the shadows. She emerges. It's KentFan! Cute white top, though. Clark turns to her. We get a rare tight shot of the back of his neck. She stays back and says she's surprised he remembers her name. Clark asks how he could forget. They made out! And got busted! "You tried to kill me," Clark says. Oh yeah. That, too. And Lana. So it kind of evens out then, huh? KentFan looks away. Clark says he'd ask how she escaped, but figures that's pretty obvious. She tells him she didn't; they let her free. She says she's cured. Clark nods, unconvinced. Clark says KentFan could have called instead of teleporting in to his loft. Man, what a dick. Do you ever call people before you whoosh into or out of a scene? I didn't think so. Douche. KentFan says she borrowed her mom's car and drove. I guess her mom forgave her pretty quickly for putting her dad in the hospital.
“ The camera moves up to graze MamaKent's ample bosom (hey, I didn't shoot the fucking scene, so stop looking at me like that), and then moves over to look at Bo Duke, while we're on the subject of boobs. ”
KentFan holds up her left hand. There's a black strip around her wrist. She says it's a gift from her doctor. Trace amounts of lead are released into her system, keeping her from teleporting. And it reduces her lifespan by about fifty years. Clark says he's glad they think she's better. Not "I'm glad you're better." Asshole. Clark says that doesn't change what happened. KentFan says she knows that. She apologizes for what she put Clark through. She steps forward while saying he's the last person she wanted to hurt. Clark turns away. She does a cute lean-forward, smiling, and says that Clark didn't answer her question. Why is he up there alone on a Saturday night? Damn you, Trig! Clark licks his lips. He tries to sound convincing when he says that maybe he prefers to be alone. Ew. He's asexual like Morrissey. "Because of your secret?" KentFan asks. Clark looks convincingly surprised. KentFan tells him not to worry. She didn't tell anyone. She says she promised. Clark shakes his head, but she stops him. She says that knowing someone out there was different, like she is, comforted her while she was at Belle Reve: "In my darkest moment, you gave me hope, Clark." And, what do we have here? Is this burning an eternal flame? No, wait, that's just Lex. Clark's mouth twitches. KentFan turns to leave. She starts walking down the stairs and says, "Bye." That was absolutely the best move, right there. Never let a guy get tired of you being in his loft.
MamaKent is pouring from a huge pitcher of orange juice the morning in the kitchen. The camera moves up to graze her ample bosom (hey, I didn't shoot the fucking scene, so stop looking at me like that), and then moves over to look at Bo Duke, while we're on the subject of boobs. Bo is asking, incredulously, if they just let KentFan teleport out of Belle Reve. Clark tries to explain about the lead bracelet, and says that KentFan doesn't seem as dangerous anymore. MamaKent says it wasn't just the powers that made her dangerous -- it was her obsession. Remember that episode title, Clark? While you're at it, don't get mixed up with anyone who "Accelerates," anyone who's "Dichotic," or anyone who's "Hotheaded." Bo is mad that KentFan knows Clark's secret. Clark says she kept that secret for over a year. He wonders if maybe she's really cured. Oh, and could you pass the ham? I think that's cured, too. MamaKent says she knows how much Clark wants to be with someone he doesn't have to lie to (she glances at Bo Duke as she says it, as if daring him to lie about what he was really doing out in the pasture last night), but she doesn't think KentFan is the one. Clark asks if he should wait till the cute girl with special abilities comes and knocks on his door. Shit, pick up a comic book. They're everywhere, Clark. Maybe you should try something in an Amazonian chick with a lasso. Bo says that Clark knows what the girl did: "She needs to be in an institution." I guess Bo's not big on rehabilitation. Clark asks why they let her out of Belle Reve, then. Bo has a mental fart that I can smell through the TV. Clark asks, "What if she really is better?" MamaKent asks, "What if she isn't?" But, hey, what if she is? On the other hand, "Isn't?" But still..."Is?" You've got a good argument with "Isn't," though. Bo, wanna weigh in on this? "Burgundy," he thinks. Clark stares, blankly. It's not hard.
At the newsroom of The Torch. Chloe has once again stepped on a ladder to climb high above the law in searching for someone's medical records, this time those of "Alicia Baker," a.k.a. KentFan. For all the shit that Chloe and Clark give each other and other people about not invading privacy, they sure don't have a problem delving into someone else's medical history. What if they saw "scorching gonorrhea" on someone's chart? I think that would go a little something like this: "Isn't." "Damn I'm good," Chloe says, as she pulls up the information online, using, what, Kazaa or BitTorrent? She downloaded it from "supermedicalrecords.org." Chloe gleefully reads the diagnosis. Blah blah blah psychoticepisodecakes. "That's our girl," she says, smiling a lot considering that she's talking about a girl Clark almost boffed last time she was around. Just under KentFan's record, Chloe has also pulled up the file of Evil Peter Horton. God, he looks like he should be in some old French painting, locked in a crotch-clutch with Duke Louis of Nice. "Who's that guy?" Clark asks. Why, you interested? Chloe says it's "Dr. William McBride." Chloe says she's heard of this guy: He graduated from Harvard in two years with "more degrees than a thermometer." It was all over the community papers, right under the elementary-school lunch menus. Chloe asks what the psychiatrist said about KentFan. Chloe scrolls up half a screen to find that very answer. Chloe is surprised to see that the doctor claims KentFan is cured. She looks skeptical, though. Clark marvels: "She was telling the truth." "Is!" He turns and smiles. "I'm totally going to get laid," he almost says to Chloe. Again uncharacteristically, Chloe grins as she surmises that it's exactly what Clark wanted to hear. While she's online, she should try using BitTorrent to download her old spine back.
We're on a generic college campus, watching a very dowdy-looking Lana Lang climbing some stairs. And I'm not just saying that because she's useless. Oh, you got me. That is why I'm saying it. As she climbs up those stairs, we see a sign for "Central Kansas A&M." They have an awesome Master's program in fertilizer. She sees her estranged boyfriend Jason. "What are you doing here?" he asks, keeping his hands firmly in his jacket pockets. Lana sighs and says it's nice to see him, too. But he didn't say -- oooohhhh. Sarcasm. Jason says he didn't expect to see her on campus. Lana says she didn't expect him to say he needed more space and walk out on her. Ooh! It's like she takes what he says and twists it around to make a point. She's practically Voltaire! Jason squints into the distance. Somewhere on campus, a professor just got sucked under a tractor. Lana asks what's really going on here. I do this every week, so please allow me: absolutely fucking nothing. Jason says he just doesn't think Lana is ready for a relationship "like that." Like...what? Lana is confused. Jason asks if she wants to talk about this now. No, she just drove up here for the asparagus seminar series. He says he has to go. Lana scoffs, Napoleon Dynamite-style: "GAW!" The sun shines right at the camera. Ow. Lana is left to sulk in her long white coat. I'm glad we got that crane shot there, because it really makes me feel Lana's isolation. Good show, there, crane-operator dude.
“ He puts a palm to her cheek and says she's such a bright, beautiful girl. I think the doctor wants to make her his McBride. ”
An ice rink, shot from above. Someone is twirling, twirling, twirling. The ice skater twirls off screen as the camera comes down to ice level. Kids in helmets skate around recklessly as Clark Kent clumsily tries to keep his balance on skates while strummy, "MmmBop"-like crap-rock engulfs the rink. KentFan skates up behind Clark and loudly says, "Superpowers can't save you now, Clark Kent." She spins and skates backward as Clark says, "I'm good, I'm good." Are you really, Clark? He skates forward a bit and catches up with her as she holds out her hands. She skates back to him and advises him to bend his knees and glide. KentFan, in her fluffy white coat, says she's glad Clark called her; she didn't think he would after their last date. Clark says she was sick then. He understands. KentFan says she doesn't. She remembers feeling angry and alone, but now it's like watching a movie that wasn't really her. I'm going to just say it: I like KentFan's character. She has tons more chemistry with Clark than Lana ever did, and to some degree, more than Lois has. (Not more than Chloe, but that's a whole other issue.) So, I know things go awry here later, but I think the actress playing her does a great job and makes KentFan both appealing and sad. So, kudos. Clark says maybe that wasn't her: "Maybe this is the real you." She blushes at that. Clark takes a tumble on his ass and pulls KentFan down on top of him. She laughs. The two of them hug on the ice. "Good thing you've got buns of steel," she says. Clark smiles and touches her face. KentFan looks up and sees creepy-ass Evil Peter Horton staring down toward the rink. She tells Clark that she's turning into a Popsicle. She gets up and helps pull him upright. Clark says he does have heat vision. KentFan says she'd settle for hot chocolate. She excuses herself to freshen up. Clark watches her go.
Over on the upper level, KentFan looks around, but is still surprised when she hears, "Enjoying your freedom?" from the doctor. She asks what he's doing there. He says he's checking up on his favorite patient. He takes her hand, and we see a close-up of the lead bracelet. He says it does more than keep her in place. "You lo-jacked me?" she asks. He tells her he has to know where she is so that she doesn't jeopardize her release. And as soon as he saw she was at the ice-skating rink, he knew trouble was afoot, apparently. He brings up Clark. KentFan says that what she does with Clark is her own business. The doctor tells KentFan that her feelings for Clark were what precipitated her "psychotic break." They really love that phrase on Smallville, don't they? "But you said that I was better," she says sheepishly. He suggests more sessions, outside the office. Uh. Oh. He puts a palm to her cheek and says she's such a bright, beautiful girl. I think the doctor wants to make her his McBride. He threatens to send her back to Belle Reve. He advises her to stop seeing Clark before somebody gets hurt.