Coma Chameleons

S04E10

By Omar G

Only one episode stands between me and holiday festivities. "Scare." Am I scared? You bet I am.

The Barnness of Firstactitude. A crescent moon is shining, and a light is on up in the loft. Inside, a nice set of gams in a pair of red stiletto high heels is walking up the stairs. Lex! He does get a close shave, doesn't he? Clark looks up from his studying. He was reading Profiles in Dumb-ass for inspiration. Wait a minute! That's not Lex! It's Lana, wearing red! I call bullshit. Lana is wearing her red fuck-me heels, except on Lana they're "You'd better not think about fucking me because I will make your life absolutely miserable in every way and you still won't get any" heels. She's also wearing a tight red sweater and a short pleated skirt. Have we ever seen Lana in a skirt like that? My Lana Fashion Magic 8-Ball says, "No, but then we weren't really looking." Lana says she was hoping Clark was up. Clark -- sporting the blue plaid but not really rocking it -- asks if everything is all right. Lana looks really flushed. At first, because she's shiny through this scene, I thought she didn't have enough makeup. My wife, who just got a shipment in the mail from Sephora and knows a thing or two about it, thinks Lana's wearing too much makeup, thus creating a surface smoother than marble upon which the lights are shining. Still, Lana looks pretty ruddy and flushed here. Between that and the red wear, we can assume that something's amiss. Lana says she thinks she made a mistake. Let's compromise: the show made a mistake with Lana. "Jason," Clark says, with unusual confidence. He gets up and says, in a very annoying smug voice, that he's not sure he's the one Lana should be talking to about this. Lana, all Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, thinks otherwise. Lana says that the whole thing with Jason -- with him following her to town -- might be a lie. Clark smirks. Annoying! Lana thinks Jason may have an ulterior motive, but she doesn't know what it would be. Lana's lips are so shiny that they're screen-burning into my rear-projection set. Lana says that Jason is starting to scare her. She's so scared she's whispering all her lines. Clark steps forward, still with the smug. He says he'd never let anything happen to her. Lana says it's made one thing very clear: that she should never have given up on her and Clark, and that she's always been in love with Clark. They kiss. With open mouths, even. They tumble to the ground. Clark gets top bunk. They do more lip mashing. Lana puts her hands on Clark's stomach as his shirt rides up. Mmm, that's good ab.

Just as Lana is starting to arch her back, Cinemax-style, someone pulls Clark off of her. Lana's like, "That's all right. I can finish up here." It's Jason. He throws Clark's ass down the stairs without too much effort. Like I said, something's uuu-uuup! Jason says he knew he couldn't trust Clark. Yeah. He's a man-ho. Lana yells for Jason to stop. Clark and Jason struggle. "Haven't you hurt her enough already?" Clark grunts. Well, not any more than you have, Clark. Jason punches Clark. They butt heads, and it sounds like raw steaks slapping. More punching. "Jason!" Lana admonishes. Clark, nose bloody, falls unconscious. Jason turns to Lana: "Clark can't protect you from me!" The fuck is that supposed to mean? "Nobody can," he adds. Lana, looking hateful, steps forward. She stabs Jason in the gut with a knife. This week, the part of Lana will be played by Stabby McGee, the fastest draw in the west. Jason is like, "Ow! You stabbed me! You fucking stabbed me!" With a pair of scissors, even. What is it with Lana and scissors, and this week with Lana and stabbing? The camera pans up Lana's chest. Jason still looks incredulous. He stumbles back and somehow throws himself through a wooden railing and off the loft. He falls back, and the camera follows him. Worst CGI transition ever: the background behind him recedes, and it turns from the barn interior to the inside of The Talon. It's not exactly Lord of the Rings-level animation here, is it?

Jason lands hard on a Talon table. Customers look around. One extra looks disgusted, like, "Well now my biscotti is just fucking ruined!" Upstairs, Lana comes out of her apartment to see what's the beef, sir. She sees it's Jason and runs down. She's not wearing red or heels. She asks for someone to call an ambulance. Shaking, she asks if he can hear her. The violin of panic plays quickly and we go to opening credits.

Commercials. Wal-Mart. Making America fugly, one tiny town at a time.

Smallville Medical Center. Sure, we've been here before. Lana's hand, sporting her atrocious porcupine ring, is caressing Jason's. He's in a hospital bed in a patented Smallville coma. It's like the producers confused comas with commas, given how often the device is used around here. Jason, though sleeping, looks a bit sweaty. Lana's excreting moisture too, but it's in the form of tears. Outside the hospital room, Clark -- plus Chloe, wearing what appears to be a brooch in the shape of an exploding black sombrero, and a Chloevage-baring coat -- approach. Chloe enters the room, asking Lana how Jason is doing, while Clark hangs back. Lana wipes her tears and says that the doctors don't know. Nevertheless, Jason is hooked up to a large digital monitor that reveals his vitals to be exuberant. Lana says that the doctors can't get Jason's blood pressure down. Jason, who is tied to the monitor via the finger, appears to be saluting the nation in his sleep. With his hand, I mean. Lana says that Jason is in some sort of "panic mode," like the one on your car alarm. It means he's having a severe nightmare. Clark opens his mouth to let this one out: "What happened?" Lana gives Clark a sharp look as if he said something wrong. Her nostrils even flare for a second. Clark looks away as if he doesn't notice. The somber background music from Blade Runner seems to be playing. Lana says that Jason came to pick her up for lunch. Lana blubbers that she went upstairs to grab her jacket and thing she knew -- busted Talon table. Not a very good story, really. You won't be saving that one for your grandkids. Lana says that if they don't get his heart rate down, Jason could have a heart attack. I don't ever remember Lana ever crying this much before. "They must have some idea what caused this," Clark says. Did Lana not just tell you the doctors don't know what's up? Do you think she's lying? Lana says that Jason was studying all morning before he came over. Uh, right. A football guy studying all morning. Are you sure his "studying" didn't involve a webcam and some trannies? Chloe offers to help. Lana nods. Clark does not offer to help. Lana says that Jason's insurance card is in her apartment. She asks them to get it for her. Chloe agrees. Clark, who hasn't acted weird about the whole Jason thing before, is suddenly Captain Awkward of the Stepping Lightly Around the Subject Brigade. He even gives Jason a dirty look as he goes like, "Yeah, you just stay here and enjoy that coma, bitch."

A framed photo of Lana and Jason in Paris, standing under a Metro sign. Chloe watches as Clark picks up the photo and stares at it. For once, he doesn't X-ray or eyejaculate all over something he's looking at intently. Chloe says she doesn't want to go "Dr. Phil" on Clark, but asks if he shouldn't admit that Lana and Jason are in a relationship. Clark scoffs that he's past that. Also, what's a "relationship?" Chloe chides Clark for his trance-like jealous state. Clark says he could have used more time to ease into the idea. time Lana decides to date someone, she'll give you some warning so you can update it in your Palm Pilot. Chloe tells Clark you don't ease out of being in love with someone. Clark bitches about the way he found out. Chloe gives Clark a pointed look and says we all keep secrets for a reason: "Don't think I have to tell you that." Chloe, over Clark's objections, goes through Jason's backpack. She pulls out Jason's organizer and says that if they backtrack through his last few days, it might help. Chloe discovers that Jason had a meeting at LuthorCorp that morning. Drama! Clark asks why Lana didn't mention that. "Maybe she didn't know," Chloe says.

One trip to LuthorCorp later. We're still near town, but we're using the Metropolis gray lens filter to show the exterior of Lex's plant. There's a fence, but no security guard. Chloe uses her dad's old swipe card, which somehow still works, to enter the facility. Chloe mentions that the weekend overtime shift should be in full swing, and the place should be full of productive worker bees. Chloe tells Clark to go talk to Lex while she goes and take a backstage "tour," except the way she says it, it sounds like "store." Clark goes off in search of love as marching music plays. Very Alexander. In multiple ways.

Inside. Clark rounds a corner where there are lots of pipes and shiny surfaces, just as Lex is skulking down the hall. "Clark!" Lex calls, and doesn't seem happy to see him. "How the hell did you get in here?" Lex barks. He didn't mind it the 500 other times Clark showed up unannounced at his place. Clark says lamely that the gate was open and security was MIA. Lex wipes his mouth and, as he continues walking past Clark, tells him it's a restricted area. Clark asks for a bit of Lex's time. Like "making time"? Lex opens a wall panel, pulls out a very important-looking red phone, and tells the waiting attendant on the line that he needs a guest escorted out. Lex apologizes, but says he just got in from Metropolis and has a lot to do. Clark thought Lex had a meeting that morning with Jason. Lex says that Jason's meeting was with the head of Lex's HR department. "You giving him a job?" Clark asks. If there are jobs, be they hand, blow, or other, they're going to be given to Clark, dammit. Lex says he was just giving Jason some leads; he felt guilty for the whole school firing thing. Lex says that Jason didn't want to tell Lana about it. Clark tells Lex that Jason is in the hospital with "neurological stress." Lex breathes heavily and turns away. Clark says that Lex's HR guy might have been the last person to talk to Jason. Er, before he showed up to get Lana and spoke to her, I guess. Lex says he'll find the HR guy, but tells Clark that there could be lots of reasons for Jason's conditions. Like, uh, exhaustion. Even Ruben Studdard gets that. Clark mentions that the factory is deserted halfway through a Saturday shift. Lex stops and tells Clark he'll send a specialist from Metropolis to examine Jason. He asks Clark to make sure Lana knows Lex is doing everything he can. Clark doesn't write it down, so I'm sure he'll forget. Just then, a golf cart with a security guard approaches to take Clark away.

Chloe lurks. She comes down some very nice stairs with brushed-metal railings. Suddenly, the lights go out. She keeps walking in the dark. She rounds a spooky corner into a room lit from outside by severe, gloomy rays. Chloe looks inside the room. She's bathed in blue light, looking all right. Inside, a woman sits on a chair with a shaft of light coming down on her from the ceiling. The floor is made of white and black checkerboard tile. Chloe, in profile, watches the woman. She approaches slowly. The camera pans overhead to show that the woman in the chair, with her head down, is in a straitjacket. Heavy music plays with slight tinkles. "I've been waiting for you, Chloe," says a hoarse feminine voice. "Mom?" Chloe asks. "You can't escape this, Chloe," says a voice remarkably like Chloe's. "None of the women in our family ever have." Chloe comes closer. The camera zooms in from behind on the spooky blue lady. Chloe is about to put a hand on the woman's shoulder, but stops herself. Chloe, lips shaking, gathers her courage and tries again. She touches the woman's shoulder. Brief paise. Jerk! The body spins around. It's a very, very scary Chloe with ratty hair, huge dilated pupils, and funky scars around her lips. It's very Ju-On. Spoooooky! Total aside: my friend Patty calls me "Smookymar" all the time, but this Halloween, she changed it to "Spoooooookymar!" Oh, and Chloe screams. A lot. The Crazy Scary Chloe opens her mouth and somehow also hisses, and the camera zooms in. Despite the ruin of the face, Crazy Scary Chloe's still got nice teeth. The real Chloe screams some more. She steps back and sees that she's in a straitjacket now. She screams, "No! No! No!" and runs out of the room. She flails with her arms together down the hallway as Clark and the security guard ride up in the golf cart. They notice Chloe. Chloe isn't wearing a straitjacket now, but she thinks she's got one on. She swings and runs with her arms crossed. Clark, for no damn good reason, taps the guard on the head and knocks him out. I sure hope that guy gets brain damage and sues the shit out of the Kents. Clark goes over to catch Chloe as she falls unconscious in her army. She's sweaty. We get one last scary note and then go to commercials.

Outside LuthorCorp Fertilzer Plant No. 3. A truck is leaving the station, which makes no sense if there's a quarantine going on, but whatever. I guess they let Clark and Chloe go, too, so.... As scientists race around urgently and squint their eyes because they're only allowed to work to the light of blue neon, Lex demands answers from his Chief Egghead. There are those chemical showers that they use for clean room work. Lots of activity. Lex asks anyone who'll listen how a lab could explode amid all their safety precautions. Chief Egghead says nervously that with meteor rocks, it's difficult to predict how they'll react to different chemicals. He says they're doing everything they can. Inside a sealed room, employees are lying in beds, hooked up to monitors just like the ones at the hospital. Egghead says that they quarantined the affected employees, and right now are trying to fix some damaged pipes. Lex asks if the bacteria is still leaking out. "Only in that room," says Egghead. He could also be Chief Bureaucrat or Chief Two-Months-from-Retirement Cop on another show. He may have even played someone's dad on this show before. Gases expel in one of the shower rooms. Lex demands that as soon as everything is under control, he wants the project dismantled. Chief Egghead tries to talk Lex out of that. He points out that Papa Luthor made a deal with the government, and that if they can ever market the compound, they'll be rich, bitch! "And exactly what is the market for toxins that invoke a person's worst nightmares before they fall unconscious?" Um, a ride at Six Flags? Egghead says they could use it against an opposing military force without ever resorting to violence. He starts to talk statistics, and Lex cuts him off: "Statistics aren't lying in those beds!" Hate to point out a mistake, but Leon Statistics from Ottawa is in one of those stretchers. He's the best damn janitor they've got. Lex fears those employees aren't the only ones. He tells Chief Egghead that someone who visited the plant that morning is in the hospital with the same symptoms. Lex asks whether it's contagious. Egghead says no; the toxin has to be inhaled directly. Lex says there's no need to call the CDC and panic the entire town. Egghead nods. Lex asks how they're doing with the antidote. Antidote? Egghead goes over to some special machine they built just for the occasion and says that they formula will "clarify" when it reaches 1000 degrees Kelvin. As Paris Hilton would say, that's hot. Egghead says they can test it once that happens. Lex asks for an ETA. Five hours. Damn. That's exactly how long it takes me to recap all this.

Kent kitchen. Clark has just gotten off the phone to his illegal source at the hospital, who told him that eight more people have come down with what Jason and Chloe have. Bo asks whether a common link might be those LuthorCorp visits. Clark says that half of the victims hadn't gone to LuthorCorp. Clark surmises that it strikes at random. Bo asks if it might be something in the air or water. Clark guesses it may show up in an environmental quality report. In, like, six months, after everyone is long dead. Someone's at the door. It's Lana, in the black trenchcoat she's been sharing with Chloe lately. She wants to know if anyone is up for some Doom II. "Lana!" Clark says. He's getting really good at this names thing. Bo lets the witchy girl inside. MamaKent says they heard about Jason. "Has something happened?" she asks hopefully. It really does sound like she's hoping Lana's boyfriend has died so that Lana can start dating her virginal son again. Lana says that one of the other infected people just died. Bo asks whether the doctors know what's going on. For the last freakin' time, Kents, NO! Lana, gulping as she talks, says that the doctors figured out that a person's heart can only take so much panic before it gives out. She smiles and then half-cries as she says she can't just sit at the hospital anymore and watch Chloe and Jason die. Clark sure didn't stick around; why should Lana? MamaKent twitches her lips in sympathy. "I wanna help," Lana tells the family. Which is great, because they really weren't doing anything, but...sure, why not. Wanna milk some cows?

At the federal prison with the nicest parking area you can imagine, inside a dramatically lit hallway, a very nicely put together woman is walking down it with a guard. She has red hair and a certain air about her. She must be the warden. Two other guards open a set of double doors, and a slim, sassy and suddenly good Papa Luthor walks between them. Warden Lady says she hopes she didn't separate Papa Luthor from his flock. He chuckles and sympathizes with her cynicism. He tells her he's a changed man. "Or a smart one," she says in a faux Kathleen Turner voice. She notes that ever since he changed into their "resident St. Paul," nobody's tried to give him the shiv. Coincidence? He steps forward and asks what the purpose of his "sinful life" would be if he couldn't use it as an example to shepherd fellow sinners. There's a lot of sin in that sentence. He says he's leading them away from hedonism, mistrust, and greed. This is prison, remember. The warden chuckles like she's flirting and says, "Uh huh." She gets a folder from her guard and says he's going to have to change congregations. The appellate court, she says, overturned his conviction. Wouldn't Papa Luthor have known that his lawyers will still working on that? "'Overturned'?" he repeats in shock. He says that his appeal isn't supposed to come up for months. He says it's not possible. The warden says he'd be surprised what's possible in our judicial system. She sounds like she really wants to have sex with a Magnificent Bastard. Papa does a long chuckle take. He tells the warden that he's tried to work the system from all angles, paying off everybody from the bailiff to the president. Pulling a real Judy Davis, the warden says that Papa shouldn't be telling her "things of this nature." He says he does: "I'm guilty." He tells her he's not guilty of the crime he was put there for (ooh, surprise!), but of so many other crimes. Question: if Papa Luthor is so content to be in jail, why was he letting his lawyers continue filing appeals? Or is it automatic? "This is where I belong," he tells Judy Davis. He says it's where he can do the most good. Warden Davis stumbles over the line "You want to stay in prison?" He does: "I've found my...[long pause] my mission in life." Warden Davis is shocked, SHOCKED! She says this isn't the Ritz-Carlton, where Papa Luthor can check in and check out at his leisure (pronounced "lezzure"). She tells him that somebody did him a favor getting him out. She advises him to grateful and get the fuck out. "Who could do that?" he asks. She says it's obviously someone more powerful than he. Is that even possible? He's a free man. Papa Luthor tries to figure out his move.

The offices of The Torch. Lana, in her investigative trenchcoat, is still trying to place Jason on the morning of his toxin encounter. She and Clark are looking at satellite weather images, from that morning, on Chloe's computer. Clark has it narrowed down to a timeframe of an hour. Lana asks if he can get more specific. While Clark types, Lana bitches about why Jason wouldn't tell her he had a job interview at LuthorCorp. Clark says it may have been a blow to his pride, accepting a job from Lex. Clark knows a thing or two about blows from Lex. Lana sits heavily and tells Clark she's been feeling lately that there's something Jason's not telling her. Clark projects: "Maybe he thought you'd see him differently if you found out." Lana asks if Clark really thinks she's that shallow. He may not. But I do. And so do a damn lot of viewers. Clark doesn't really answer the question. He sighs that it may take Jason a while to get to know Lana as well as Clark does. Something on the computer beeps. It's a weird cloud that suddenly appears, and then disappears west of Smallville. Clark notes that it covered two miles before it dissipated. Clark says it may be a cloud or pollution. Lana says that Chloe's house would be right in the middle of it. She got a new house? "So is LuthorCorp," Clark says, suddenly getting out of his chair.

Lana shakes, and white light shines on her. She turns to look at the source and does a hilarious bit where she's trying to fend off light as the camera closes in on her. It looks like she's a cat trying to keep you away: "Don't look at me, viewers! I'm awful!" From Lana's point of view, we see her hands trying to break through a thin, gauzy sheet. She's suddenly lying on a stretcher in a dry-ice-fogged room. The sheet is pulled away, and Lana looks straight at us. She gets up and sees a row of other bodies covered under sheets. Spooky music is playing. Lights overhead flicker like in Twin Peaks. Lana pulls a sheet off the body closest to her. We don't recognize the face, but based on her reaction and that it's an older woman with dark hair, it's her mother. "Mom...Mom," Lana moans. That woman's dead, all right. A sheet is pulled off the body. "Dad," Lana informs us. He's got quite the hairy chest. up? Chloe! Lana keeps gasping and breathing heavily. She sure didn't seem any more broken up about her supposed best friend. body: Jason! Lana starts to cry and puts her hands all over Jason's made-up face. "Lana," a woman's voice says, and I begin to think we'll see a dead Aunt Nell. Since Lana wouldn't consider her death to be anything special, we see instead that it's someone else entirely on a new covered stretcher. Lana walks over. A hand under the sheet grabs her. The body sits up. It's another Lana with witch hair, funky cataract eyes, and awful, awful skin. Shoulda used Neutrogena! "They're all going to leave you," says the dead Lana with the black lipstick. "And there's nothing you can do about it!" They're all going to laugh at you! If the dead people who were leaving Lana all alone to fend for herself were the producers, I could almost buy this scene. Lana screams. A lot.

Lana keeps screaming as we return to the campus newsroom. Clark is like, "What the FUCK?!" and comes to catch Lana just as she screams again and falls into his hands. "Lana!" Clark says. But she's in a coma already.

Vitals. On a machine, we see someone's heart rate racing; then we pan over to a security camera showing a guy in a biohazard suit trying to help someone who's having spasms in his sleep. Lex watches from behind a glass barrier. Chief Egghead pulls out a tiny vial from the antidote chamber and puts it into a needle gun. He tells Lex that they've never tried this serum before. He urges Lex to let them try it on a lab animal first. Lex says that one of his employees is about to die. He asks if they see any other options. Egghead warns Lex that the antidote contains trace elements of the toxin, like a flu inoculation. Lex asks whether that means the patient will get worse before they get better. Yes. That's what he's saying.

Cut to someone in a coma thrashing on the security monitor. Lex grabs a biohazard suit from the wall. Egghead tries to warn Lex not to go into the infected area. Lex goes all noble, saying he's responsible for everybody working at the plant. "I'm going with you," he says. Chief Egghead thinks, "Wait, I'm supposed to go in there?"

Cut to Lex and Egghead getting a chemical shower. It would be naïve to think it's the only shower Lex has taken with another man this week. They walk into the quarantine area. A guy in a stretcher, who looks like Cardigan Man from Gilmore Girls, is sweating and tossing in his coma. Chief Egghead gets his arm with the needle as Lex watches. Serum goes in. The man suddenly opens his eyes. His vitals turn from "high but stable" to "crazygonuts!" He moans. He grabs Lex and pushes him away. Then he falls back and flatlines. Egghead doesn't even attempt any life-saving measures. Lex looks at his arm where he was pushed into some equipment. There's a small, but plot-moving tear in his biohazard suit.

Commercials. High School Reunion. It's the class of '94, right? They've officially passed my age group.

The hospital. It's suddenly triage central as bodies are lying in stretchers in hallways. Lex finds Dr. Scanlan (named for one of the show's producers) and asks about Jason. The doctor says he's very busy, but that they're watching Jason along with everybody else who shares the condition. Again, illegal as all get out to tell a random person a patient's medical condition, but whatever. The doctor tells us, for the four billionth time, that they have no idea what it is they're dealing with. As the doctor keeps busy, Lex drops it: "It's a synthetic toxin." He tells the doctor that a pressure tank exploded at LuthorCorp that morning. Lex says that the toxin must have gotten out into the air, and that all these people must have been exposed at the same time. "And you're just telling me this now?" the doctor bitches. He says he's going to call the CDC. Lex brings up the antidote his team is developing. Before Lex even has the words out, the doctor starts to ask how long it'll take. Lex says that the first "trial" was unsuccessful, but that they'll have it under control soon. "It's too late for that!" Scanlan cries. Clark walks in carrying Lana. "I need a doctor!" he yells. Yeah, look around, Clark. See anything else happening? The doctor points to a stretcher that just happens to be waiting nearby. Clark puts Lana on it, and she's led away. Clark touches Lex on the arm. "Did you know about this when I talked to you today?" he asks. Lex touches Clark back. He says he had no idea that anyone outside of LuthorCorp, other than Jason, was exposed. Oh, good, well, that's just...HEY! Lex says Clark has to believe him. Clark gives him a long look, but it's not that sexy. "What is this stuff?" Clark asks.

Suddenly, a big ball of fire rips into a wall of the hospital. Another fireball follows, and as people scream, there's dust and rubble everywhere. Equipment and stretchers fly. Car alarms go off. Clark runs to a window and pulls open some blinds. Outside, more fireballs take out a bunch of parked cars. Chaos! Armageddon! Clark, shot in grainy film stock, sees more flaming meteors coming right at him. He turns and puts his arms out. A meteor strikes him right in the back and shatters, sending green Kryptonite flying everywhere. I'm thinking an asteroid made of Kryptonite could probably take Clark out. It turns out that Clark was protecting Lana, who is already in a hospital gown and lying in a bed. She wakes up. Clark, covered in rubble, falls. There are green rocks around him. Nice shot of Lana and Clark as seen through a hole in the wall. Clark, on the ground, begins to look nauseated. Lana gets out of bed and comes around. "It all makes sense," says Lana, who is also covered in dust and grit. She jumps as something explodes behind her. "Help me," Clark gasps. "The meteor shower," Lana says. "You came the same day." Lana says what we've all been thinking since Episode 1: "How could I have been so stupid?" I won't even go into counting the ways. Clark says that the meteor shower is the reason he's there. He tells her he's from a planet called Krypton. He says he wanted to tell her, but didn't think she'd accept him. Lana picks up a piece of Kryptonite that's conveniently shaped like a box cutter. "You're not even human?" she asks Clark. Clark moans. He tells her that stuff makes him sick. "My parents are gone because of you," she says, "and I'm never going to see them again. You killed my parents." Prepare to die. She rears back and stabs him in the chest with the Kryptonite. Stabby Lana! I do hope they make an action figure of her that comes with a knife and action stabbing motion.

Clark wakes up from this nightmare to see he's lying in a hospital bed, but fully clothed. The hospital is still in a panic. Nobody even notices that Clark woke up. "Mom," he says suddenly. Well, all right. Sure. I guess I could see how you'd want your mommy at a time like this. Clark walks quickly down the hallway. The doctor tries to stop him. Clark asks for his parents. Scanlan says that they haven't been admitted, but says that Clark is the first patient to come out of the coma. He asks Clark to sit. Clark says he's fine and begs off. Gee, thanks for your help beating this crisis, you big dumb ASS.

Kent farm. Clark superzips to the kitchen. He sees Bo lying on the floor. His coffee cup is shattered. Nooooooooo! "Dad?" Clark asks. Then he leaves Bo there. Clark notices MamaKent lying in the kitchen. A phone is off the hook and buzzing. "Mom?" he asks. She also has some broken ceramic to her, artfully arranged to look not at all like it really fell and broke. There are also muffins on the floor. Noooooo! Clark superzips out of there.

Instead of taking his parents to the hospital, Clark shows up at Lex's research lab. Lex finishes a phone conversation. Clark says that they're running out of time. "How did you get past Security?" yells Chief Egghead. Lex says that it's all right. He says he left Clark at the hospital, and asks Clark what happened. Clark says that his parents are in there now. Oh, I guess he did take them. That was fast, I guess. "Lana, Jason, Chloe, they're all gonna die if you don't do something!" Clark yells desperately at Lex. Lex, sweaty, asks what Clark suggests he do. "Love me!" Clark wants to yell. Clark sees the vials in the antidote chamber. "Use me," Clark says. Oh, honey, do! Lex's mouth twitches. He is completely taken out of this whole crisis with those two simple words. It is indeed the Gayest Look of the Episode. "I want you to use me," Clark says. Lex still looks like he won the Willy Wonka chocolate bar contest. Clark says he came out of the coma, and that maybe there's something in him that can help. Oh, it'll help. And it will be in you. Clark says he'll give them whatever samples they need. Chief Egghead says that even if Clark's blood could help, those kinds of tests take months. "No, no!" Egghead concludes. Lex turns and tells Clark reluctantly that he can't be used. Dammit! He says they have a new antidote that'll be ready in a few hours. Clark says that's too late. Lex says the antidote has to be heated to 1000 degrees Kelvin. Did somebody say "heated"? Egghead makes the case again for testing the serum first. He even boldly asks Lex how he's going to decide who'll get the potentially fatal injection. "Whoever it is, you could be killing them," he tells Lex. Lex goes to the glass partition and looks anguished. While they're distracted, Clark's eyes go red and he eyejaculates all over the serum case. Ewwww! The vials heat up. The temperature goes way up, to 1000 Kelvin, and the serums change color. Yay! Clark and Egghead notice that the serums are done are like, "Wow. All right, then." Lex takes a sample out of the chamber. Ooh, ow, hot, hot! He loads it into the needle gun. Lex injects himself. Mmm, that's good heroin. "Mr. Luthor, no!" Egghead yells. Lex's eyes go up in their sockets.

It's time for a Lex nightmare! It's the very cool vision sequence from "Hourglass." Lex, in a white suit and white tie (Tom Wolfe for President!) is in the Oval Office. Outside, missiles are being launched from what looks like real Kansas farmland. Hey, wait a minute. This looks familiar. Very nuclear music plays. Lex, in the White House, steps outside. He sees the countryside exploding with nuclear explosions. Hey, this is familiar! It's footage from Terminator 3! That's cheating! Nuclear destruction. The camera zooms into Lex's green eye. Zoom out to a planet view. Nuclear explosions all over the globe. Yep, more T3. Boom. Boom. Boom! I didn't know that when the Terminator said "I'll be back," he meant this footage. We cut to the image of Lex standing in a sea of skeletons, but don't go as far as the rain of blood. Despite the theft of footage, it's still a pretty bad-ass scene.

Lex comes out of the coma. Oh, thank God! I thought I was in an action movie! "Clark?" Lex says. Egghead is happy. He says he's going to get the antidote to the hospital. Clark tells Lex he'll be all right. Though he has no basis for that. Lex and Clark stare at each other. Love, love, LOVE!

Commercials. "Can You Hear Me Now" guy. Can he be stopped?

Kansas State Penitentiary. A bus pulls up to the front entrance. Papa Luthor, who is wearing a white suit not unlike the one we recently saw Lex in, comes out of the front entrance, shiny as you please. No tie, though. A black stretch limousine is waiting for him past the fence. He peeks inside curiously. He smiles and gets into the vehicle. He chuckles. "I should've known," he says. The car drives off before we can see who sprung him.

Kent home. MamaKent, Bo and Clark all sigh as they walk in the front door. "Home," says MamaKent. Clark hesitates near the kitchen. He tells Bo that it'll take a few days before he can walk into that room and not picture the two of them unconscious on the floor. MamaKent thanks Clark for cleaning up before they came home. Clark says they did a number on a lamp that was broken. He asks about their nightmares. Bo says it almost came true -- that Clark walked into Lex's lab and almost gave up his secret. Clark says he didn't see any other choice. Bo pulls some glasses out of a cabinet and mourns the loss of his beloved mug deep inside. Clark says that lately he's been thinking maybe he could reveal his secret, but now he's more convinced more than ever that he should keep it. "Especially [from] Lana," he adds. MamaKent says she knows how much Clark has wanted to share his secret with her. Clark says that, as far apart as they've grown, he thinks about it every day. Frilly alt-girl music plays. Bo resists the urge to smack a platitude down on the table. MamaKent says she hopes his parents' fears haven't gotten in Clark's way. She says she'd hate for Clark to look back and regret not sharing his secret with those closest to him. Bo still looks worried or constipated or worried about constipation. MamaKent says there's a chance Lana would understand. "There is," Clark says, "but what if she didn't?" This scene has some of tightest close-ups I've ever seen on the show. They're Silence of the Lambs-tight. Bo says he's not sure Lana is the one, but someday Clark will have to share his secret with someone close. God, these faces are HUGE! Clark blinks emotionally. [Blink!]

The Talon. An American flag waves flaccidly outside. Inside, Jason is packing up a totebag. He was living with Lana? How sinful! Sure she's still a virgin? Lana walks in carrying a bag of Chinese food. Oops. She's suddenly crestfallen. She asks if Jason would have been gone if she'd taken a little longer. Jason says he would have been there, figuring out what to say. Lana scoffs. She asks what's up. "Is this because of your mom?" she asks. She says that Jason's been different since Lana met his mother. Jason says he's been different since he came to town. Six months ago, he says, he'd have never groveled to someone like Lex for a job. Welcome to being an adult, buddy. Lana looks hurt. The worst part, he says, is that he was embarrassed to tell Lana. She asks when he's ever been that way around her. He says that's exactly the problem: he doesn't like the person he's becoming around her! Yes! It's true! He's become a totally shriveled and tiny man. Behold the power of Lana! Jason says he doesn't want to wait around for Lana to resent him as much as he resents himself. "That's not why you're leaving," Lana says grimly. Of course not. It couldn't have anything to do with you, could it, Lana? Jason looks like he's going to cry. Lana says that the one thing she learned from her relationship with Clark was when someone's not being honest with her. Way to bring up your old boyfriend in the middle of an emotional moment with Jason. Jason looks at Lana reluctantly. He thinks about that. Lana asks him just to tell her the truth. He takes one last look at her. Sneers a tiny bit. Grabs his bag and kisses her on the side of the head. "Be careful," he says, as Lana tears up. Jason walks out the door. Lana watches him go.

Foliage! Lots of flowers in front of the school. The strummy music continues to play in case you missed Gilmore Girls this week. The Torch. Chloe is on the phone, sniffling. Clark walks in and gets the ugly end of a Chloe truth-seeking mission. She says she just got off the phone with LuthorCorp, and that they won't make a statement about their chemical explosion. "I mean, what is that?" she whines at Clark. She yells that there's no lawsuit, and that the whole thing is being forgotten about. "What?!" she demands. "What!?" She bangs on the desk for emphasis. She says it a third time, breathing heavily. Clark takes off his backpack. He says this is more than amped, even for Chloe. Her mouth hangs a bit. She looks like she's about to bust out in tears. She says it's displaced anxiety. "I found my mom, Clark," she says, seriously. Clark says that's great. Chloe says she's put out her feelers for years, but that three months ago something finally came through. She looks away and her voice chokes. She looks back at him and reveals the big secret: "She's in a mental institution." As soon as the words are out of her mouth, the tears in Chloe's eyes come. She sniffs. It's painfully sad and the best scene by far of the episode. Forget I ever said that they shouldn't bring Chloe back from the dead if they're just going to treat her like crap. Clark sighs with an alarming lack of sensitivity as if to say, "Well that sucks." He does say he's sorry. Chloe, now crying, says that the real kicker is that it's hereditary. Clark takes Chloe's arms and says that if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you're not destined to follow in your parents' footsteps. "Yeah. Thanks," she says.

Chloe gracefully changes the subject. She asks what Clark Kent's worst nightmare was. There are still tears on her face. Clark lies, but not really. He doesn't explain his toxin dream, but says that it was that he woke up and everyone he knew was gone. He was completely alone. "I wish I could say that I'll always be there for you," Chloe says sadly, "but somehow I get the feeling that may not be a promise I can keep." Chloe says that Clark was the only person who came out of it. She says it's not because Clark's been taking his vitamins. Clark starts to stop her, but Chloe gets there first. She says that Clark doesn't have to tell her. She says she knows she promised to stop prying, but that holding her mother's secret these last few months made her feel more alone than she'd ever felt. Clark says it's weird when people think they know you but have no idea what you're going through. Oh, boo hoo, Clark. "I'd hate to live my whole life like this," Clark says. Chloe tells Clark it's amazing how quickly that feeling of loneliness disappears. Tight close-ups here. "If you can't tell your best friend, who can you tell? Right, Clark?" she asks. Clark searches Chloe's face. Chloe looks back with the most serious looks she's ever given him. I could go on for another few paragraphs about this scene, but all I'll say is that Allison Mack plays this scene so note-perfect that she's quickly becoming the heart of the show, and her Chloe has become by far the most sympathetic character in the cast. This wasn't the best episode of the season, but this last scene makes up for quite a lot. Great, great job.

Not a bad way to step into December hiatus, huh? I'll see you folks in a few weeks. Have a lovely holiday season. I'll catch you in the '05.