Only one episode stands between me and holiday festivities. "Scare." Am I scared? You bet I am.
The Barnness of Firstactitude. A crescent moon is shining, and a light is on up in the loft. Inside, a nice set of gams in a pair of red stiletto high heels is walking up the stairs. Lex! He does get a close shave, doesn't he? Clark looks up from his studying. He was reading Profiles in Dumb-ass for inspiration. Wait a minute! That's not Lex! It's Lana, wearing red! I call bullshit. Lana is wearing her red fuck-me heels, except on Lana they're "You'd better not think about fucking me because I will make your life absolutely miserable in every way and you still won't get any" heels. She's also wearing a tight red sweater and a short pleated skirt. Have we ever seen Lana in a skirt like that? My Lana Fashion Magic 8-Ball says, "No, but then we weren't really looking." Lana says she was hoping Clark was up. Clark -- sporting the blue plaid but not really rocking it -- asks if everything is all right. Lana looks really flushed. At first, because she's shiny through this scene, I thought she didn't have enough makeup. My wife, who just got a shipment in the mail from Sephora and knows a thing or two about it, thinks Lana's wearing too much makeup, thus creating a surface smoother than marble upon which the lights are shining. Still, Lana looks pretty ruddy and flushed here. Between that and the red wear, we can assume that something's amiss. Lana says she thinks she made a mistake. Let's compromise: the show made a mistake with Lana. "Jason," Clark says, with unusual confidence. He gets up and says, in a very annoying smug voice, that he's not sure he's the one Lana should be talking to about this. Lana, all Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, thinks otherwise. Lana says that the whole thing with Jason -- with him following her to town -- might be a lie. Clark smirks. Annoying! Lana thinks Jason may have an ulterior motive, but she doesn't know what it would be. Lana's lips are so shiny that they're screen-burning into my rear-projection set. Lana says that Jason is starting to scare her. She's so scared she's whispering all her lines. Clark steps forward, still with the smug. He says he'd never let anything happen to her. Lana says it's made one thing very clear: that she should never have given up on her and Clark, and that she's always been in love with Clark. They kiss. With open mouths, even. They tumble to the ground. Clark gets top bunk. They do more lip mashing. Lana puts her hands on Clark's stomach as his shirt rides up. Mmm, that's good ab.
Just as Lana is starting to arch her back, Cinemax-style, someone pulls Clark off of her. Lana's like, "That's all right. I can finish up here." It's Jason. He throws Clark's ass down the stairs without too much effort. Like I said, something's uuu-uuup! Jason says he knew he couldn't trust Clark. Yeah. He's a man-ho. Lana yells for Jason to stop. Clark and Jason struggle. "Haven't you hurt her enough already?" Clark grunts. Well, not any more than you have, Clark. Jason punches Clark. They butt heads, and it sounds like raw steaks slapping. More punching. "Jason!" Lana admonishes. Clark, nose bloody, falls unconscious. Jason turns to Lana: "Clark can't protect you from me!" The fuck is that supposed to mean? "Nobody can," he adds. Lana, looking hateful, steps forward. She stabs Jason in the gut with a knife. This week, the part of Lana will be played by Stabby McGee, the fastest draw in the west. Jason is like, "Ow! You stabbed me! You fucking stabbed me!" With a pair of scissors, even. What is it with Lana and scissors, and this week with Lana and stabbing? The camera pans up Lana's chest. Jason still looks incredulous. He stumbles back and somehow throws himself through a wooden railing and off the loft. He falls back, and the camera follows him. Worst CGI transition ever: the background behind him recedes, and it turns from the barn interior to the inside of The Talon. It's not exactly Lord of the Rings-level animation here, is it?
“ Clark, who hasn't acted weird about the whole Jason thing before, is suddenly Captain Awkward of the Stepping Lightly Around the Subject Brigade. He even gives Jason a dirty look as he goes like, 'Yeah, you just stay here and enjoy that coma, bitch.' ”
Jason lands hard on a Talon table. Customers look around. One extra looks disgusted, like, "Well now my biscotti is just fucking ruined!" Upstairs, Lana comes out of her apartment to see what's the beef, sir. She sees it's Jason and runs down. She's not wearing red or heels. She asks for someone to call an ambulance. Shaking, she asks if he can hear her. The violin of panic plays quickly and we go to opening credits.
Commercials. Wal-Mart. Making America fugly, one tiny town at a time.
Smallville Medical Center. Sure, we've been here before. Lana's hand, sporting her atrocious porcupine ring, is caressing Jason's. He's in a hospital bed in a patented Smallville coma. It's like the producers confused comas with commas, given how often the device is used around here. Jason, though sleeping, looks a bit sweaty. Lana's excreting moisture too, but it's in the form of tears. Outside the hospital room, Clark -- plus Chloe, wearing what appears to be a brooch in the shape of an exploding black sombrero, and a Chloevage-baring coat -- approach. Chloe enters the room, asking Lana how Jason is doing, while Clark hangs back. Lana wipes her tears and says that the doctors don't know. Nevertheless, Jason is hooked up to a large digital monitor that reveals his vitals to be exuberant. Lana says that the doctors can't get Jason's blood pressure down. Jason, who is tied to the monitor via the finger, appears to be saluting the nation in his sleep. With his hand, I mean. Lana says that Jason is in some sort of "panic mode," like the one on your car alarm. It means he's having a severe nightmare. Clark opens his mouth to let this one out: "What happened?" Lana gives Clark a sharp look as if he said something wrong. Her nostrils even flare for a second. Clark looks away as if he doesn't notice. The somber background music from Blade Runner seems to be playing. Lana says that Jason came to pick her up for lunch. Lana blubbers that she went upstairs to grab her jacket and thing she knew -- busted Talon table. Not a very good story, really. You won't be saving that one for your grandkids. Lana says that if they don't get his heart rate down, Jason could have a heart attack. I don't ever remember Lana ever crying this much before. "They must have some idea what caused this," Clark says. Did Lana not just tell you the doctors don't know what's up? Do you think she's lying? Lana says that Jason was studying all morning before he came over. Uh, right. A football guy studying all morning. Are you sure his "studying" didn't involve a webcam and some trannies? Chloe offers to help. Lana nods. Clark does not offer to help. Lana says that Jason's insurance card is in her apartment. She asks them to get it for her. Chloe agrees. Clark, who hasn't acted weird about the whole Jason thing before, is suddenly Captain Awkward of the Stepping Lightly Around the Subject Brigade. He even gives Jason a dirty look as he goes like, "Yeah, you just stay here and enjoy that coma, bitch."
A framed photo of Lana and Jason in Paris, standing under a Metro sign. Chloe watches as Clark picks up the photo and stares at it. For once, he doesn't X-ray or eyejaculate all over something he's looking at intently. Chloe says she doesn't want to go "Dr. Phil" on Clark, but asks if he shouldn't admit that Lana and Jason are in a relationship. Clark scoffs that he's past that. Also, what's a "relationship?" Chloe chides Clark for his trance-like jealous state. Clark says he could have used more time to ease into the idea. time Lana decides to date someone, she'll give you some warning so you can update it in your Palm Pilot. Chloe tells Clark you don't ease out of being in love with someone. Clark bitches about the way he found out. Chloe gives Clark a pointed look and says we all keep secrets for a reason: "Don't think I have to tell you that." Chloe, over Clark's objections, goes through Jason's backpack. She pulls out Jason's organizer and says that if they backtrack through his last few days, it might help. Chloe discovers that Jason had a meeting at LuthorCorp that morning. Drama! Clark asks why Lana didn't mention that. "Maybe she didn't know," Chloe says.
One trip to LuthorCorp later. We're still near town, but we're using the Metropolis gray lens filter to show the exterior of Lex's plant. There's a fence, but no security guard. Chloe uses her dad's old swipe card, which somehow still works, to enter the facility. Chloe mentions that the weekend overtime shift should be in full swing, and the place should be full of productive worker bees. Chloe tells Clark to go talk to Lex while she goes and take a backstage "tour," except the way she says it, it sounds like "store." Clark goes off in search of love as marching music plays. Very Alexander. In multiple ways.
Inside. Clark rounds a corner where there are lots of pipes and shiny surfaces, just as Lex is skulking down the hall. "Clark!" Lex calls, and doesn't seem happy to see him. "How the hell did you get in here?" Lex barks. He didn't mind it the 500 other times Clark showed up unannounced at his place. Clark says lamely that the gate was open and security was MIA. Lex wipes his mouth and, as he continues walking past Clark, tells him it's a restricted area. Clark asks for a bit of Lex's time. Like "making time"? Lex opens a wall panel, pulls out a very important-looking red phone, and tells the waiting attendant on the line that he needs a guest escorted out. Lex apologizes, but says he just got in from Metropolis and has a lot to do. Clark thought Lex had a meeting that morning with Jason. Lex says that Jason's meeting was with the head of Lex's HR department. "You giving him a job?" Clark asks. If there are jobs, be they hand, blow, or other, they're going to be given to Clark, dammit. Lex says he was just giving Jason some leads; he felt guilty for the whole school firing thing. Lex says that Jason didn't want to tell Lana about it. Clark tells Lex that Jason is in the hospital with "neurological stress." Lex breathes heavily and turns away. Clark says that Lex's HR guy might have been the last person to talk to Jason. Er, before he showed up to get Lana and spoke to her, I guess. Lex says he'll find the HR guy, but tells Clark that there could be lots of reasons for Jason's conditions. Like, uh, exhaustion. Even Ruben Studdard gets that. Clark mentions that the factory is deserted halfway through a Saturday shift. Lex stops and tells Clark he'll send a specialist from Metropolis to examine Jason. He asks Clark to make sure Lana knows Lex is doing everything he can. Clark doesn't write it down, so I'm sure he'll forget. Just then, a golf cart with a security guard approaches to take Clark away.
The Talon. An American flag waves flaccidly outside. Inside, Jason is packing up a totebag. He was living with Lana? How sinful! Sure she's still a virgin? Lana walks in carrying a bag of Chinese food. Oops. She's suddenly crestfallen. She asks if Jason would have been gone if she'd taken a little longer. Jason says he would have been there, figuring out what to say. Lana scoffs. She asks what's up. "Is this because of your mom?" she asks. She says that Jason's been different since Lana met his mother. Jason says he's been different since he came to town. Six months ago, he says, he'd have never groveled to someone like Lex for a job. Welcome to being an adult, buddy. Lana looks hurt. The worst part, he says, is that he was embarrassed to tell Lana. She asks when he's ever been that way around her. He says that's exactly the problem: he doesn't like the person he's becoming around her! Yes! It's true! He's become a totally shriveled and tiny man. Behold the power of Lana! Jason says he doesn't want to wait around for Lana to resent him as much as he resents himself. "That's not why you're leaving," Lana says grimly. Of course not. It couldn't have anything to do with you, could it, Lana? Jason looks like he's going to cry. Lana says that the one thing she learned from her relationship with Clark was when someone's not being honest with her. Way to bring up your old boyfriend in the middle of an emotional moment with Jason. Jason looks at Lana reluctantly. He thinks about that. Lana asks him just to tell her the truth. He takes one last look at her. Sneers a tiny bit. Grabs his bag and kisses her on the side of the head. "Be careful," he says, as Lana tears up. Jason walks out the door. Lana watches him go.
Foliage! Lots of flowers in front of the school. The strummy music continues to play in case you missed Gilmore Girls this week. The Torch. Chloe is on the phone, sniffling. Clark walks in and gets the ugly end of a Chloe truth-seeking mission. She says she just got off the phone with LuthorCorp, and that they won't make a statement about their chemical explosion. "I mean, what is that?" she whines at Clark. She yells that there's no lawsuit, and that the whole thing is being forgotten about. "What?!" she demands. "What!?" She bangs on the desk for emphasis. She says it a third time, breathing heavily. Clark takes off his backpack. He says this is more than amped, even for Chloe. Her mouth hangs a bit. She looks like she's about to bust out in tears. She says it's displaced anxiety. "I found my mom, Clark," she says, seriously. Clark says that's great. Chloe says she's put out her feelers for years, but that three months ago something finally came through. She looks away and her voice chokes. She looks back at him and reveals the big secret: "She's in a mental institution." As soon as the words are out of her mouth, the tears in Chloe's eyes come. She sniffs. It's painfully sad and the best scene by far of the episode. Forget I ever said that they shouldn't bring Chloe back from the dead if they're just going to treat her like crap. Clark sighs with an alarming lack of sensitivity as if to say, "Well that sucks." He does say he's sorry. Chloe, now crying, says that the real kicker is that it's hereditary. Clark takes Chloe's arms and says that if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you're not destined to follow in your parents' footsteps. "Yeah. Thanks," she says.