Let's get down with some Sexy Lexy.
We open inside a very opulent and lovely hotel. If somebody in Vancouver knows this building, email me and tell me where it is, because it's gorgeous. It reminds me of the Renaissance Hotel in Austin, but with prettier lights. Where were we? Oh yes: recapping! Some tinkly, low-key rich-people piano music is playing as folks are mingling outside a ballroom, drinks in hand, wearing black ties and black dresses. I used to go to events like that (minus the tux) all the time during the tech boom when I was a business reporter. Now, editing a Spanish-language section geared toward the growing immigrant population in Austin? Not-a-so-much. But the food's a lot better now. Anyhoo, in that crowd of Botoxed ladies and closeted men is a sleek dagger of a man. Is this a gay blade I see before me? Yes, and yes! Behind Lex Luthor, two blonde women are giving him the eye. And a weird amber orb is lit up behind him. It looks as if he's got an illuminated polyp sticking out of his hip. Lex is sipping from a champagne glass. He acknowledges the admirers, but they're not his type, as we'll come to find out. Step back, bitches! And that reminds me of the high school rap-chant, "Bitch on my tip can't get her off (get off!)." It's my night to remember random shit, all right? Lex glances at his watch. He looks bored. We can't tell just yet if this is a reception or a night at the opera. Lex goes to the edge of the reception space, where you can look down and see the atrium. Lex looks to his left and sees a woman in a red dress sipping from a glass. She's pursing her lips at him, MamaKent-style. Lex is intrigued. She opens her mouth as if to say something (or to pose for a porno box cover). Some people walk by, obscuring Lex's view, and, poof! She's gone! She's totally Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream.
Lex steps forward, looking around for the woman. He takes a peek down at the atrium, and the camera swings with him. The woman in the red dress, in a sea of black dresses, is walking down the stairs. She looks up at Lex. It's no Chloevage, but the view still isn't bad. The woman keeps walking. Lex follows down the stairs. The camera does two full swivels around him until Lex's eyes settle on the mysterious woman in red. She's leaning against a rail with her back to him. Spotlights from outside flash upon them. We switch to the opposite view and get a close up of her face as Lex approaches in the background. It's a nice shot, as a spotlight flashes and the camera's focus shifts to Lex. Cut to a pink Dell MP3 player the woman is holding in her hand. The woman turns to face Lex. "What are you listening to?" he asks her. She takes an earbud out and offers it to Lex. "My favorite song," she says. It's gay dance party music. Is that Jon Secada? Seriously, it sounds like "What is Love?," but with a cooler beat. Lex listens. Mystery Red puts her hand on Lex's cheek. "What's your name?" Lex asks. Oh no he di'in't! Wait, not yet, sorry. He's asking the woman whom he does not know her name. She blinks and stares at him seriously. "Does it really matter?" she asks, but says it like a statement instead of a question. She's definitely giving off a Lewinsky vibe, this dark-haired girl. She strokes Lex's chin with her thumb. Mmmm Lexy chin chin.
The club music increases in volume as we cross-fade to an overhead shot of Metropolis at night. This sure beats recapping farm cows every week, let me tell ya.
Another cross-fade and we're looking down into an elevator, where Lex and Mystery Red are totally gettin' down. Somewhere, Michael Douglas is watching this going, "I used to do that in movies; like, thirty years ago!" And Catherine Zeta-Jones-Coulda-Been-Gallaga is thinking, "Die, die, die, die, die, die, die," but saying, "What was that dear? Oh, yes, those films were lovely. Have some more arseni-- er....soup, dear. Soup. That's what I meant." Kissing. Lex pushes a button for the top floor, the fortieth. Lots more cross-fading. Lex is kissing the neck. Lots of neck kissing. If you're a fan of the neck kissing, this episode is just for you. The song says, "I want more." More gay club music! Haaaaay! The Security Cam View shows the woman taking Lex and pushing him by the lapels to the opposite elevator wall. This is the slowest elevator ever. They've got Mongolians in the basement pulling it by hand or something. Lex is kissing ear. Then more neck. This is hot, y'all. And it's not just me.
Cross-fade to a very expensive-looking hotel room. Mystery Red pulls Lex by the hand to a waiting bed. Lex spins her around, and there's fierce kissing. Tongues wag. We cut to a silhouette view, and Red pushes Lex to sit on the bed. She takes off her dress as Lex sits and watches. This is totally fine to broadcast as long as it's not in a locker room and Lex isn't black.
More soft cutting, this time to the two of them in bed. They're totally doing it! Oh my God! Somebody finally got laid on this show! And not like in 1961 or some bullshit. Real, honest-to-God nookie! Take that, ABC Family Channel! The camera pulls up as Mystery Red (now Mystery Naked) is totally mounting Lex. She's planted like a reverse pole vault. The song hits the "wipe sweat, take a sip of your Appletini" lull. We pan over to a bottle of champagne and two glasses. The Metropolis skyline is framed nicely in the background.
Dudes, that was hot! But you know what's even better than drunken one-night-stand sex? Morning-after "She still looks hot! Whoa!" sex. The night turns to day as we continue staring at champagne glasses. The camera pans back toward the bed. Oh yeah! Time to wake up and smell the nookie! We pan past the red dress and other clothes on the floor. I can't really tell from this shot if Lex is a boxers or briefs man. In fact, it looks like he doesn't wear any undies at all. Hot! We pan some more up to Lex sleeping naked on his side. "Housekeeping!" we hear from outside. A Latina maid enters the room (sure, of course she's Latina, Smallville) and looks at the bed. She screams and runs off. Lex wakes up, all, "Huh? Wha?" He turns, and sees that there's a bloody body to him. The sheets are covered in the stuff. Lex looks at his own hands. There's blood on them, but not too heavy. The woman's hands are tied to the headboard, but you really have to look to notice that. The camera doesn't linger on this fact, even though we do get a close-up of the bloody face. Guess no morning nookie, then.
Opening credits. I almost forgot what show this was for a minute.
Wow, the commercials really make it seem like Target is the coolest place on Earth. That's only mostly true.
The round Metropolis courthouse. A gaggle/flock/herd of reporters are waiting for Lex Luthor as he exits with his legal team. College football music: dum da da dum YEAH! At #8, defensive tight end Dirk Howe! (Raaah!) At #29, dirt-slinging cross examiner Marsha Collinsworth! (Wooo!) And it's red-haired Nelly Galan-looking defensive linewoman at #89, telling Lex not to answer any questions. Dum da dad um YEAH! Da da da dum.... The defensive linewoman holds up her hand and tells everybody that her client has no comment.
We switch to a TV view of the action. Channel 54 KPAZ is reporting a "billionaire bloodbath," and tells us that Lex was released on $5 million bail. As Lex is led to a dark SUV, the news reporter says that Lex is the only suspect, and that the victim hasn't yet been identified. The nice TV is in the Lair o' Lex, where he watches the news report grimly with LawyerLady. LawyerLady turns off the TV and asks Lex how he woke up naked to a dead woman he hardly knew. It was a reality TV show gone wrong? Objection! Lex says he didn't kill her. LawyerLady says she didn't ask: "You're paying me to get you off [dirty!], not to prove you're innocent." She says that Lex needs to be straight with her. My God, woman, do you even know who you're dealing with? She asks if he'd been drinking. Lex says he had, at the fundraiser in the hotel. He had champagne. She asks if he was drugged. Lex says that if he was, it wouldn't be the first time. LawyerLady says that if that's what happened, it'll show up in the drug test Lex just took. Shouldn't she have been asking all these questions before he went before a judge to decide bail? Maybe I'm just not well-versed on our legal system. LawyerLady says that Lex is going to have to remember everything he can about the girl. Lex struggles to do just that. "She had a pink MP3 player," he says. "We listened to it together." LaywerLady says that wasn't on the evidence list. She asks if the woman had it with her in the hotel.
There's a knock at the door. A guard lets in a woman in a light business suit, with a severe hair pull-back and glasses. She's very early-career Joan Cusack. Would it ruin it to say who she is? Probably, yeah. She tells LawyerLady that the DA is on the phone. LawyerLady tells Lex to stay put: "It's a media circus out there. And I don't want you to say anything stupid." Lex tells her that her bedside manner needs work. And he would know. LawyerLady tells him that she's not there to hold Lex's hand: "You want a hug, call your mother." Ah, see, Lex doesn't have a mother! Ooh, burn, lady! Wait, Lex is the one hurt by the exchange! Oh, man, lady, you're goooood. Just as LawyerLady is leaving, Clark Kent, as Red Flannel Man, enters the room. LaywerLady gives Clark a dirty look as she goes.
"Lex," Clark says. "Clark," Lex says. Love, love, LOVE! And jealousy. Clark goes all Vanessa Bryant on Kobe with the "Who was she?!" "What did you do!?" "Where's my $4 million diamond, you bastard!" Clark asks Lex how he's holding up. Yes, how is the cheating bastard holding up? "I trust you're here as a friend," Lex says. Or lover? You don't have to be one or the other...ohhhhh noooo. Clark says he just wants to know that Lex didn't do this. Lex steps forward and puts his hands on Clark's upper arms. "I met a girl at the opera," Lex says. "I took her to a hotel. I didn't kill her." "Who was she?" Clark asks. Who was that tramp!? Lex says he doesn't know. Clark is shocked, shocked that Lex slept with her but didn't know her name. Lex goes on a little tangent about how it's one of those nights that never happened, when you meet someone and get caught up in the moment. Lex looks at Clark with searching eyes, asking the virgin farmboy to imagine a night of hot, passionate boffing. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex insists that he's not a murderer, and that he thinks his father might be framing him. Clark says that Papa Luthor is in prison. Lex asks if that really matters. To the Cubans in Cell Block F it sure does: Papa Luthor is worth three shivs and two cartons of Camels. Lex tells Clark to go home, and not to get involved with this heterosexual mess. Clark is so, so hurt.
The Talon at night. Lana is in bed, alone, having a nightmare. The camera shakes as it shows a close-up of her. Something is growling. Lana jerks in bed. We cut to an overexposed shots of Countess Theroux being burned at the stake, some blood dribbling out of her mouth. Her eyes jerk humorously. The torch-wielding mob is yelling. We cut to a shot of Lana rubbing the cave symbol back in Paris. Fire. The Countess chants. The dude from last week is accusing her of practicing the dark arts. And just then, Jane Seymour in a very puffy outfit, sporting what appears to be a felt curtain rod with hanging chains on her head, steps to the front of the mob. Quick cut shots of a tattoo symbol, the spell book, the mob. Jane Seymour speaks in French. Lots more quick cuts. Lana gets flashed with bright light in Paris. The Countess laughs. Jane Seymour's eyes go purply-pink. Freaky! The Countess stops smiling. Fire flashes. Lana wakes up gasping and sweaty. So...Yeah. All right. Thanks for that.
Kansas State Penitentiary. Inside, Clark has arrived to visit with Papa Luthor, who is waiting upstairs. The suddenly benevolent Papa Luthor thanks Clark for coming and says it's good to see him. He offers a handshake, but Clark doesn't take it. Papa Luthor smiles and shows Clark to a table as if he's a waiter looking for a generous tip. They sit. Papa Luthor asks about Lex. He says he's tried to contact Lex, but that Lex won't talk to him. Clark says that Lex thinks Papa Luthor is trying to frame him. Papa turns his head quickly in shame. Clark asks if he's doing that. "No, Clark," Papa Luthor says. Papa Luthor acknowledges that there's no reason Clark should believe him, though. Holding his hands on the sides of his head, Papa Luthor patiently explains that he was sick with the liver cancer, and that something happened to cure him. He remembers waking up on the floor during the riot: "I felt as if...a different kind of energy had been...inside me." But that's practically every night in most prisons. What's different, though, is that this energy was strong and good. Clark fails to show an emotion as Papa Luthor says that the experience changed him. He chuckles with genuine joy. "And my liver had healed!" he concludes. Clark asks what it was that did it. Papa Luthor doesn't know, but says it was a miracle: "The darkness...the destructive power that had always been inside me, I can see it in Lex now." Papa Luthor says he has to help his son. Clark asks if Papa Luthor thinks Lex murdered the girl. Papa doesn't think so. He says that it was a crime of passion or a frame-up. He asks if the girl had a car. Clark says that Lex drove her to the hotel in his Ferrari. Papa Luthor starts talking about Lex's patterns; Lex would have had the girl drive her own car so that Lex wouldn't have to deal with driving her home the day or, I guess, paying for cab fare. Papa Luthor asks if the girl had dark hair. Clark nods. Papa Luthor says the girl reminded Lex of Lilian, his mom. Ewwwwww! Papa Luthor asks Clark to help Lex. He tells Clark to bring him any information he finds. Clark, looking freaked out, says he still doesn't trust Papa Luthor. "I know," says Papa Luthor. "But you will be back. Won't you?" Clark doesn't answer. He just exits.
Talon. MamaKent is having a little trouble getting some foam going with the cappuccino machine. "Stupid, stupid," she tells the machine. But the machine is tired of hearing about her son all the time. Lana comes up to the counter; she commiserates that the machine once bit her. Ooooohhh 'kay, Lana. MamaKent looks at Lana with concern and says she looks pale. Lana says she had a weird dream. MamaKent doesn't want to hear about her crappy dream. She tells Lana she has a visitor; it's a woman in a nice red business suit. She's got her back to Lana. The lady turns and...it's Jane Seymour! Dr. Quinn, I presume? Lana looks at the woman with exhausted horror. Jane Seymour -- who's not looking as hot as I remember her, at least not in HD -- tells Lana that she looks beautiful. Now older TV stars are telling her this? Man. We get it. Lana's pretty. Shit, already. Still freaked out, Lana says, "I'm sorry...do I know you?" In a nice British accent, Jane Seymour says that she's Jason's mom. Jane asks if she caught Lana off-guard. Lana lies that she didn't, but changes her answer to "yes." Jane says that Jason isn't expecting her. They sit. Lana asks if she wants some tea. Jane jokes that it may seem impossibly British, but that she can't drink tea from a mug. She asks about Jason. She says she hasn't spoken to her son since he left Paris, and that he hasn't returned her calls. Jane says that Jason thinks she's angry at him. "You're not?" Lana asks. Jane says she just wants to see her son. Lana says she's wanted to meet Jane, but that if Jason's not ready to have his mom around, Lana can't have a relationship with her either, behind his back. Jane nods. She doesn't want to put Lana in that position, she says, but asks Lana to tell Jason she's in town and staying at the Smallville Inn. Lana agrees to that. Before she goes, Jane says it's strange that Lana acted like she recognized her when they met: "How can that be?" Lana shakes her head. Jane smiles and tells Lana she should visit her in Metropolis. She kisses Lana on the cheek and tells her again that she's beautiful: "I see how why he had to be with you." As soon as Jane turns, Lana looks nauseated and shudders. Wow, that was exactly my own reaction to this scene.
Smallville High. Chloe, whose hair seems to be shorter now, walks into the newsroom of The Torch. Clark is there, still wearing his red flannel. Jeez, wash your clothes, farmboy! Chloe asks where Clark's been. He tells her he was visiting Papa Luthor in jail. Chloe asks why he'd do that. Clark says he got a lead from Papa Luthor; he was told to find the girl's car at the hotel, and Clark thinks he tracked it down. Clark narrowed down the search for the car, but hasn't been able to link a name or address to it. "I'm not surprised," Chloe says. "Let me try." She sits at the computer chair and does her online magic. Clark is annoyed that the police aren't doing this investigating. Chloe says that the police think they've already got their guilty man. Chloe wonders aloud if this might not be a set up by Papa Luthor, the way he's feeding Clark this advice. Clark thinks that Papa Luthor changed in prison. Chloe warns Clark not to trust Papa Luthor. She says that Lex is in great hands anyway; he's got the Johnnie Cochran of fictional DC Comics-based shows, Corinne Hartford. LawyerLady! Chloe says that Lex needs a good publicist. Chloe shows Clark the front page of The Daily Planet. "Luthor Sex Scandal Expands!" reads the headline. Ooh, bad headline with one word on the second line. I do like "Expands," though. The subhead should be, "Evidence mounts as case becomes engorged with steamy details." Chloe says the story reveals that more than thirteen women have slept with Lex in the last year. Clark is stunned. Chloe asks what's wrong. It's his man, girl! He's pissed! Clark explains that Lex told him this was a one-night stand that never happens. "And you believed him?" Chloe asks. Poor, pathetic, deluded, gay Clark. The cheater! Chloe's vehicle search turns up an "Eve Andrews, twenty-eight," in Metropolis.
Clark superzips to a neighborhood in Metropolis. He's still wearing the same damn shirt. Clark enters a nice, freshly painted house. The front door is open. Tons of photos of Lex are on a countertop, including one showing Lex and Mystery Red together. She's not wearing a red dress in the photo, though. Someone wearing gloves takes the photo and burns it over a sink. It's Lex! Clark catches Lex with the (literally) hot photo. "What are you doing?" Clark asks. "I'm saving my ass," Lex says. For Clark? He'll have two. We hear police sirens approaching. "You gotta help me, please," Lex says. Clark gulps. He knows all about Lex's "help." He hopes the carpet here is soft, at least.
Commercials. Jack & Bobby. Apparently, Tom Cavanagh has elected to spend the rest of his career playing brothers of TV show characters.
Stately Luthor Manor. Inside, the eternally red-flannel-shirted Clark is just now confronting Lex for burning evidence instead of confronting him about it in the car or helicopter or however it is they got back. Lex spins on Clark and defends his innocence. He asks why he'd take a nap to a dead body: so the maid could find him? Lex says that it makes no sense. "Neither does breaking into her house, but you did that," says Clark. Actually, that part does make sense. You've been mooted, Clark. Clark demands that Lex be honest, because now Clark's an accomplice. Lex asks what Clark was even doing there. Clark says that he tracked down the car. Lex asks if Clark called the cops, too, because this is going to be all over the news. Lex says he got a lead on an address from LawyerLady's office. He went to find out who she was, and found Swimfan levels of stalkeriffic pics. "So you did know her," Clark says. Lex says he only knew her by name, which she failed to mention at the fundraiser. "So how was I supposed to know?" Lex says. By counting the rings to her vagina like a tree trunk? Shit, I don't know! Lex still thinks that his father is setting him up; Papa Luthor knows about the stalkers, since some lawyers compiled a database of them the year before. Lex's sexual conquests require a database. Good God, man! Clark doesn't think it's Papa Luthor. Clark tells Lex that Papa Luthor wants to help. Lex feels betrayed. He asks if Papa Luthor was the one who sent Clark to that house. Lex gets heated, like we like it, and accuses Clark of playing into Papa Luthor's hands. "You can't straddle the fence on this one!" Lex yells. So many punchlines...let's try these: "But you can straddle me!" Or: "But you can strad-i-varius!" Or: "But if you do, I'll meet you on top." Lex bellows: "My father and I are enemies. You have to decide who you really trust!" It helps to be yelled at when making a decision like this. Clark thinks about it.
At The Torch, Chloe is poking holes in Lex's story to Clark. She says that the woman was stalking Lex, yet he didn't know what she looked like. Clark says that Lex claims not to have seen her before. But Clark is more heartbroken that Lex lied about "all those women." Emphasis on "women." Clark asks if Chloe thinks Lex did it. She says the "firestarter" thing doesn't scream innocence, but that there's something strange about this case. Chloe shows something to Clark on her computer. It's security-camera footage from the elevator. Hot! All it needs are some sorority chicks to be a huge internet success! Clark thought this would all be in the hands of Lex's legal team. Chloe says that they know people at the top, but that she knows people at the bottom, and they work for tips. Hee. Chloe zooms in on a still image from the black and white video. She points out that, in one shot, Mystery Red has on two diamond earrings. Chloe says, hilariously, that she's going to skip past all this "gross Zalman King" stuff. Did you know they still show Red Shoe Diaries, like, almost every night on Showtime? It's built for the ages, I suppose. Also, why is Chloe so grossed out by such hot material? Later on in the video, Chloe points out that Mystery Red has lost an earring. Chloe explains that the police report said the dead woman was wearing two diamond earrings. "Either she found it, or..." Chloe begins. "...or Lex was with two different women," Clark finishes. HOT! Oh man, I need a glass of water! Would you excuse me for a minute? Oh, wait. One of them was dead. Never mind. Not so hot. No more ice necessary.
Lair of Lex. LawyerLady finishes a telephone conversation. Lex looks up from some papers he was looking at. LawyerLady says that her assistant just called: Lex's toxicology screening was negative. Lex doesn't buy it. He thinks the test was altered, and also believes Papa Luthor was the culprit. LawyerLady paints a grim picture of Lex's legal case: now that they've identified the body, they have motive. LawyerLady asks whether Lex knows why he was being stalked. It sounds like she knows the answer. "Because you slept with her eighteen months ago!" she spits, "and then you sent her a pair of diamond earrings as a consolation prize!" LawyerLady asks how Lex could forget that. Lex says he doesn't always get their names or remember their faces. So Lex is a sexual addict and we're just now finding this out midway through Season 4? Nice, Smallville. Fucking nice. "I suppose it doesn't help that we all look alike," LawyerLady says slyly. "I was your type, too. Or don't you remember that either?" Lex stands up. He says he remembers. Doesn't sound like it was that great, though. "Ooh, goodie for me," she says. Lex accuses her of enjoying all this. And getting paid, I might add. She admits that she's getting some satisfaction watching Lex hoisted on his own "petard." "Petard"? What the fuck is a petard? Hold on a sec...according to Dictionary.com: "To be hoist by one's own petard," a now proverbial phrase apparently originating with Shakespeare's Hamlet (around 1604) [Omar's note on that year: spooky coincidence? You decide] not long after the word entered English (around 1598), means "to blow oneself up with one's own bomb, be undone by one's own devices." It also can mean "fart." No, seriously. I'm glad "petard" isn't the far-less-intelligent brother of the captain from Star Trek: The Generation, as I originally guessed. Lex says that the view from up there is exceedingly clear. And the air is clear, so he can stand there and petard all he wants and nobody will even smell it. Lex says that whoever did this had to have access to his legal files to know about the stalking. Lex says that maybe it's not his dad after all. He slyly accuses LawyerLady of being involved. She smiles and says she knew there might be a conflict in taking this case. She quits. Takes her briefcase. Leaves. Lex didn't anticipate that move.
Metropolis at night. Very cute scene follows: Chloe and Clark are in the hotel building. Chloe updates Clark on the earring situation and the police. According to someone at their front desk, the earring hasn't been found. When you call the police front desk, they're always happy to give you details on an ongoing murder investigation. Just tell them, "Hey, buddy, I work for a high-school newspaper. In Kansas! So spill it, man!" They stay right on the line with you after that. Chloe and Clark enter the same elevator that Lex made out in recently. "If I were an earring..." Clark says. I'm convinced that line was put into the episode simply so that I could respond, "...I would have been licked and licked by Lex until I fell to the floor." Chloe wants to recreate the making-out movements. I thought she was grossed out by such going-up shenanigans. Dispassionately, Chloe puts herself against the corner of the elevator and asks Clark to climb all over her. Clark hesitates. "Come on, big boy, it's for the cause of truth and justice." She pulls Clark to her and arranges his hands. Why don't they do this in every episode when they're investigating? Not for evidence; just for fun. Chloe grabs Clark's ass and pulls him closer. Awk-ward! Clark guesses that Lex might have knocked off the earring by accident. Chloe throws Clark against the opposite wall. "Hi," she says, cutely. They look like they're going to kiss. The elevator dings and the door opens. It's a mom and her two twin girls, each holding dolls. Creepy! The woman acts completely disgusted, way out of proportion to seeing two fully clothed teenagers hugging. She takes her kids down the stairs. Chloe tries to explain to the woman that nothing was happening. Whatever. Chloe looks down and notices the gap between the elevator and the floor. She asks if it's possible the earring fell down there into the elevator shaft. Well, let's see! Clark uses his X-Ray vision with his new optical zoom lens to look all the way down the shaft and see the tiny earring way, way, way down there.
thing we know, Papa Luthor is holding the earring between his fingers. "I'm glad you came back, Clark," he says. He asks why Clark brought the earring. Clark says he didn't think Lex would tell him the truth. Clark says he's trusting Papa Luthor. Clark elaborates on his two-women theory. He thinks the woman in the elevator is still alive. Papa Luthor holds up the earring again. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," he says. Frankly, I expect a little better than basic everyday quotes from a character who's supposed to know more famous quotations than Bartlett's. Papa Luthor reveals that when he was younger and wanted to get rid of a woman, he used to send her diamond earrings via courier. I guess it's better than a horseshoe ring. He says it was his signature. Bastardous! Papa Luthor thinks Lex is carrying on the tradition. He thinks the woman in the elevator was a former lover of Lex's. "She's the killer," Papa Luthor says.
LawyerLady's office. A tape recorder is running. She's at her desk, but her chair is turned so we can't see her face. Lex walks into the office. Everything is dark and lit in blue. He asks what this new evidence is that she wants to talk about. Lex is confused. He walks around the desk. Oops! Her neck is slit. Scary music. Handheld camera! Lex opens his phone to dial. "Someone's been killed," he tells 911. And they put him on hold for the operator. Whaaaaa!? Lex sees a familiar pink MP3 player lying on a desk. The gay club song is playing. Lex can't help it. He must listen to it. As he raises the earbud, we hear a gun cock. LawyerLady's assistant is holding a gun at Lex. "What's wrong, Lex?" she asks. She pulls down her hair and takes off her glasses. "Don't you recognize me?" Come on, we knew it was her. It's not like she had on some masterful disguise. She pistol-whips Lex across the face and he falls to the floor. She looks at him with disgust and then smiles.
Commercials. Update from Subway's Jared: "I'm still not fat. Annoying, yes. Fat, no."
Since the episode title inevitably has to be referenced in the events of the episode, Lex is once again bound. But not by ropes; he's duct-taped to a chair in his own office with a piece of it across his mouth. No-Longer-Mysterious-Red is pointing a gun at Lex as he wakes up. She asks if he's going to be quiet. Lex nods. She pulls the tape off. Lex breathes heavily. Lex asks how she got past his security. She told them he'd been drinking in Metropolis and needed help getting home; they even helped carry him to his office. Lex asks why she brought him there. "Because this is where it all happened," she says. "This is where I earned my earrings." Haaawwwwt! The first time, at least, she says. She tells Lex that he remembers the recent night, but not the first time they did the lair-libido-lunge. She reveals that she had a fiancé she cheated on with Lex because she thought Lex loved her. Hmm, that sounds a lot like a bad move on her part, no? When she broke up with her fiancé, she called to tell Lex, and he wouldn't take her call. "I'm sorry," Lex tries. "If I had known..." Three months later, she bumped into Lex outside of LawyerLady's, and he didn't recognize her. Ooo, anonymous burn. She puts a hand on his shoulder and circles behind him. She leans in close behind Lex as she says she started going through Lex's files, and found out she wasn't the only one. "Eve Andrews," Lex says, referring to the dead woman. "Among others," Engraged Red finishes. "She was such a fan," she says. The woman agreed to come to the hotel when Red told her Lex wanted to see her. Then she slipped a little something into Lex's drink after they "made love." Lex winces. "You rigged the test," Lex says. She switched the results. Now a Kennedy is totally gonna go free. Lex says she was the one who sent him to her house. "You were supposed to get caught," she says, "but you didn't. So here we are." Lex struggles in his chair. Damn this very strong consumer-brand tape!
Lana's Talon-based apartment, at night. The fireplace is going as Jason asks a sullen Lana why she's put on a pout. "Talk to me," he insists. Can we skip it and pretend she did? Lana looks away as she says, "I met your mom." Jason asks her where. At The Talon. Lana conveys the Smallville Inn message. Jason asks why Lana didn't tell him earlier. "I don't know," she says sadly. She says, unfairly, that she doesn't want to be the one passing notes between Jason and his mother. With that, she gets up in a huff. The hell? How is this Jason's fault? Dude, I'm serious this time. Fucking RUN! Jason says he wouldn't ask Lana to do that, and that his mom had no right to come there. He apologizes for something he didn't do. Lana turns around again emotionally and says that Jason's mom seemed worried. Jason says his mom might have seemed sad and heartbroken, but "she's not." He says she's manipulative and has always tried to control him. You mean like...a mom? Well, some moms. My mom rules. You better not talk shit about her. Or she will force me to do something unpleasant to you. No, Mother, no! We were just talking! Please don't...! Yes, Mother. Whatever you say, Mother. You know I love you, Mother. I'll take care of this...unpleasant person. Mother! Lana whispers that she dreamed about Jason's mom. Lesbian MILF? Lana clues Jason in on her witchy dream, and how Jason's mom was suddenly there. But here's the shitkicker: "I dreamed about her before I met her," Lana says. It's not quite The Twilight Zone, is it? Hasn't that happened to all of us before at some point? You dream something, then it happens? I think they call that déjà-vu. In France, even.
Clark and Chloe are in the Torch newsroom, looking through a microscope. There was writing on the diamond. Chloe asks how they get the writing so small. "Lasers," Clark says. How did he know something that Chloe doesn't? That's bullshit. Clark says that all the high-end diamond dealers engrave them in case they're lost or stolen. Chloe goes to the fax machine, impressed that Papa Luthor would have his old diamond dealer send over the purchase orders. Chloe asks for the numbers. Clark reads them out. Chloe finds the matching purchase order. "Wow. Very expensive," she says. They were couriered to a person named Shannon Bell. The name sounds familiar to Clark. Chloe says that, according to the fax, the woman works in Lex's law firm. "We have to warn him," Clark says. Chloe goes to call the police. We hear a tiny-sized "whoosh," and Chloe turns to find Clark gone. She seems more annoyed than anything at yet another disappearing act.
Lex in comfy-chair bondage. Murderous Red carries two bottles of wine. As she splashes some of the vino on Lex, she tells him he could have stopped all this if he'd only recognized her outside the opera. So she's saying she wouldn't have carried out her pre-arranged plan if he'd known who she was? Lex grunts as the wine is poured. He's more angry that the wine is so cheap. If Lex is going to die by flaming liquid, it had better be vintage. Red says she was wearing the earrings Lex bought her. "We had sex again and you still didn't recognize me!" she says angrily. Maybe your face wasn't, you know, visible at the time. Do you remember which way you were facing? She tells Lex she had a life and a fiancé as she pours a trail of wine. Now she's just being repetitious. She pours in a circle around him and claims he ruined her life. Sorry to argue but didn't you ruin your life? Just sayin'. I know Lex is cold, but that's not the same as being stupid. Lex thrashes against his common bonds. She picks up a candle. Circles around Lex again. "It has to stop," she says. She drops the candle. If this were real life, wouldn't she have gone Lorena Bobbitt on Lex rather than just setting him on fire? The candle falls, and flames erupt across the very nice tiled floor. A circle of fire surrounds Lex. Clark comes in and sees that his flaming lover will soon be...a flaming lover. At superspeed, he pushes this trifling bitch aside and takes off his jacket. What will Clark do here? I'm betting he'll use his super breath, or use his super speed to use a fire extinguisher, or, hell, just carry Lex out of the fire. Oh, I am so wrong. At quick speed, Clark takes his jacket and starts spinning it around, never mind that it would tear apart from such exertion, and uses the jacket to whirl the flames up into the air to do his bidding. Seriously, folks, I'm at a fucking loss here. Clark apparently thinks he's David Copperfield and that he's taming the Tornado of Fire. It really is amazingly silly. Clark whips the flames higher and higher like a cheap Vegas act, and the fire goes up to the ceiling (setting fire to the roof? No, of course not) until the flames dissipate into nothing. We come back to regular motion as Clark superzips out of the room, leaving the room fire-free and Murderous Red to hit the wall and fall unconscious. Is that Clark's new signature move, now? Come in, knock someone aside, and take off? Lex gasps. There's smoke, but no fire. He looks around, his shirt-half open, and scorch marks in a circle around him. Was that as good for him as it was for Clark? God, he needs a cigarette.
Commercials. The WB presents Samantha: An American Girl Holiday. The WB got my letter! Hooray!
Kent Farm. Those cows aren't going to just film themselves at magic hour. Inside, Bo is reading The Daily Planet, which says that Lex has been acquitted of a double homicide. Is it a double homicide when the murders took place at completely different times and places? Isn't that just a string of murders? Bo is glad things are resolved, but can't help criticizing his dunderheaded son for not letting his parents know he was getting involved. Dad, you really don't want to know the details. They're too hot. Clark says he wanted to help, and had to figure out if he could trust Lex. "What did you decide?" MamaKent asks, as she brings Bo his honey and bovine coffee cup. God, Bo cracks my shit up sometimes. If that cup is ever auctioned off on eBay, promise me you'll all take up a collection to get it for me, all right? Clark says he hasn't decided. "The way he treated those women," Clark says grimly. Like pleasure sprockets? Clark is so, so bitter. He says it showed him a side of Lex he hadn't seen before. A straighter one. "How can you not care that you just hurt someone?" Clark asks. You mean like beating the shit out of or crushing a Kryptovillain and then pretending it didn't even happen later on? Yeah, that sucks, dude. Bo says that Lex was just following what he's learned. Clark drops the bombshell: he went to see Papa Luthor. Clark gives Papa Luthor mad props for helping solve the case. Bo wishes he could beat his son, just once. He tells Clark that Papa Luthor is dangerous. Clark knows that, but he thinks Papa Luthor has changed. And his liver's healed. MamaKent thought it was terminal. Clark says he thinks something in him healed Papa Luthor. Not his superpowers; his fantastic cheekbones. They're the cure for what ails desperate men in prison. Bo asks if Papa Luthor knows about this. Clark says Papa Luthor thinks it was a miracle. "It is," MamaKent says with wonder. Clark says he could see in Papa Luthor's eyes that he's changed. All hail Magnificent Acting! Bo doesn't think that either of the Luthors will ever change. MamaKent looks hurt at that, as if she doesn't quite believe it.
Prison. Lex is coming to see his father, who is looking out a bright window. Lex heard that Papa Luthor helped to vindicate him. He's impressed with the influence Papa Luthor has, even behind bars. Papa Luthor says he just pointed Clark in the right direction. Lex doesn't think Papa Luthor had anything to do with this, but he thinks his father must want something in return. "Yes," Papa Luthor says, chuckling. "Yes, I do." Lex says he's not helping to loose Papa Luthor. Papa Luthor thinks he deserves to be in this, "terrible place." He blames no one but himself. Lex says he's in a generous mood. So what does Papa Luthor want? They both lean in close across the table. "I want to be your father, Lex," Papa Luthor says seriously, "if you'll let me." Lex looks down. "You've got your health, dad," Lex says coldly. "Don't expect another miracle." Papa Luthor looks supremely hurt. Lex gets up. Turns around. The two stare ate each other for a beat. Lex turns again and leaves his father at the table. Long, very nicely done moment of Papa Luthor letting that sink in, alone.
The Barnness of Epilogueitude. Clark is looking up at the stars. Lex comes up the stairs. Hey, that whole sex with women thing? Let's forget all about that, farmboy. The stars are out and so am I! Lex thanks Clark, and also apologizes. Clark keeps looking outside. He asks how long this is going to continue. That depends on your stamina and the strength of the headboard. Lex says he doesn't know. "What do you want me to tell you?" Lex asks. Clark says he doesn't want to hear anything; he wants Lex to change. The subtext...it's...choking me! Can't...breathe! Lex says he doesn't know if he can change. Clark calls Lex a selfish ass, basically. He says there's a whole side of Lex he doesn't know: "What else don't I know about you?" Lex, still staring outside, says that what Clark doesn't know is that Lex wakes up every day wondering why he goes on, wondering why he does the things he does. He gulps. He says that Murderous Red might have been crazy, but she was right about him: "I treated those women terribly, Clark," Lex says. "People died and I could have stopped it. I see that now." Clark says, "That's a start." It's so petulant, it's funny. Lex says that there was a moment the other night when the fire was coming toward him and he thought, "Good. Save the world a lot of grief." He says the fire went out, though, and the woman was lying on the floor. He had a second chance. "The last few days, Lex, I...I thought your father was being more honest with me than you were," Clark says, "and I hated that feeling." Extreme close-ups. Clark says he felt like he and Lex were enemies. "Don't give up on me yet," Lex says. Clark meets his gaze. It's very much the Second Gayest Look of the Episode. If you really want to make this scene work, you'll buy or download Solomon Burke's unbelievably fantastic song, "Don't Give Up on Me" and play it while you freeze-frame on those heated looks. I promise you won't be disappointed. Solomon Burke played the Austin City Limits festival this year. My brother and I watched him perform in a three-piece suit in almost-100-degree heat and he was just majestic. It was the only performance of the entire weekend (including the Pixies, Franz Ferdinand, Neko Case, and the Blind Boys of Alabama) where I got tears in my eyes hearing someone perform. Check him out, seriously.
A rainy alley behind The Talon. Jason steps outside and sees a waiting town car. He gets into the back seat. Jane Seymour, looking pretty glamorous in a froofy red coat, seems happy to see him. She says she knows he doesn't want to talk to her, but that every mother has a right to see her son. He says she's not there to see her. "Is it so terrible to want to meet your girlfriend?" she asks. He's mad about the way she went about it. He says that, this time, things are different. He says he'll come see Jane Seymour when he's ready. She asks when that will be. He tells her she can't come back to Smallville. Jane Seymour says she's glad he's happy. She calls Lana "an enchanting girl" (har har), and says she can see why Jason would go to the middle of nowhere to be with her. She calls Lana "special." Oh, jeez. She says she knew Jason would meet someone like Lana someday. Jason stares at her. "Did I meet her by accident or not?" he asks. His mom laughs and asks how else he'd meet her. Mysterious music plays. She leans over to kiss him on the cheek. "I'll wait to hear from you," she says. Jason is confused and scared. He exits the car. In the rain, he turns back and watches the town car drive off. The camera cranes up high as lightning flashes and thunder crashes. We go to black.
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week: no episode! Holy shit! Vacation! I'll see you in two weeks for "Scare." Happy turkey day, people!