Let's get down with some Sexy Lexy.
We open inside a very opulent and lovely hotel. If somebody in Vancouver knows this building, email me and tell me where it is, because it's gorgeous. It reminds me of the Renaissance Hotel in Austin, but with prettier lights. Where were we? Oh yes: recapping! Some tinkly, low-key rich-people piano music is playing as folks are mingling outside a ballroom, drinks in hand, wearing black ties and black dresses. I used to go to events like that (minus the tux) all the time during the tech boom when I was a business reporter. Now, editing a Spanish-language section geared toward the growing immigrant population in Austin? Not-a-so-much. But the food's a lot better now. Anyhoo, in that crowd of Botoxed ladies and closeted men is a sleek dagger of a man. Is this a gay blade I see before me? Yes, and yes! Behind Lex Luthor, two blonde women are giving him the eye. And a weird amber orb is lit up behind him. It looks as if he's got an illuminated polyp sticking out of his hip. Lex is sipping from a champagne glass. He acknowledges the admirers, but they're not his type, as we'll come to find out. Step back, bitches! And that reminds me of the high school rap-chant, "Bitch on my tip can't get her off (get off!)." It's my night to remember random shit, all right? Lex glances at his watch. He looks bored. We can't tell just yet if this is a reception or a night at the opera. Lex goes to the edge of the reception space, where you can look down and see the atrium. Lex looks to his left and sees a woman in a red dress sipping from a glass. She's pursing her lips at him, MamaKent-style. Lex is intrigued. She opens her mouth as if to say something (or to pose for a porno box cover). Some people walk by, obscuring Lex's view, and, poof! She's gone! She's totally Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream.
Lex steps forward, looking around for the woman. He takes a peek down at the atrium, and the camera swings with him. The woman in the red dress, in a sea of black dresses, is walking down the stairs. She looks up at Lex. It's no Chloevage, but the view still isn't bad. The woman keeps walking. Lex follows down the stairs. The camera does two full swivels around him until Lex's eyes settle on the mysterious woman in red. She's leaning against a rail with her back to him. Spotlights from outside flash upon them. We switch to the opposite view and get a close up of her face as Lex approaches in the background. It's a nice shot, as a spotlight flashes and the camera's focus shifts to Lex. Cut to a pink Dell MP3 player the woman is holding in her hand. The woman turns to face Lex. "What are you listening to?" he asks her. She takes an earbud out and offers it to Lex. "My favorite song," she says. It's gay dance party music. Is that Jon Secada? Seriously, it sounds like "What is Love?," but with a cooler beat. Lex listens. Mystery Red puts her hand on Lex's cheek. "What's your name?" Lex asks. Oh no he di'in't! Wait, not yet, sorry. He's asking the woman whom he does not know her name. She blinks and stares at him seriously. "Does it really matter?" she asks, but says it like a statement instead of a question. She's definitely giving off a Lewinsky vibe, this dark-haired girl. She strokes Lex's chin with her thumb. Mmmm Lexy chin chin.
The club music increases in volume as we cross-fade to an overhead shot of Metropolis at night. This sure beats recapping farm cows every week, let me tell ya.
Another cross-fade and we're looking down into an elevator, where Lex and Mystery Red are totally gettin' down. Somewhere, Michael Douglas is watching this going, "I used to do that in movies; like, thirty years ago!" And Catherine Zeta-Jones-Coulda-Been-Gallaga is thinking, "Die, die, die, die, die, die, die," but saying, "What was that dear? Oh, yes, those films were lovely. Have some more arseni-- er....soup, dear. Soup. That's what I meant." Kissing. Lex pushes a button for the top floor, the fortieth. Lots more cross-fading. Lex is kissing the neck. Lots of neck kissing. If you're a fan of the neck kissing, this episode is just for you. The song says, "I want more." More gay club music! Haaaaay! The Security Cam View shows the woman taking Lex and pushing him by the lapels to the opposite elevator wall. This is the slowest elevator ever. They've got Mongolians in the basement pulling it by hand or something. Lex is kissing ear. Then more neck. This is hot, y'all. And it's not just me.
Cross-fade to a very expensive-looking hotel room. Mystery Red pulls Lex by the hand to a waiting bed. Lex spins her around, and there's fierce kissing. Tongues wag. We cut to a silhouette view, and Red pushes Lex to sit on the bed. She takes off her dress as Lex sits and watches. This is totally fine to broadcast as long as it's not in a locker room and Lex isn't black.
More soft cutting, this time to the two of them in bed. They're totally doing it! Oh my God! Somebody finally got laid on this show! And not like in 1961 or some bullshit. Real, honest-to-God nookie! Take that, ABC Family Channel! The camera pulls up as Mystery Red (now Mystery Naked) is totally mounting Lex. She's planted like a reverse pole vault. The song hits the "wipe sweat, take a sip of your Appletini" lull. We pan over to a bottle of champagne and two glasses. The Metropolis skyline is framed nicely in the background.
“ LawyerLady says that Lex needs to be straight with her. My God, woman, do you even know who you're dealing with? ”
Dudes, that was hot! But you know what's even better than drunken one-night-stand sex? Morning-after "She still looks hot! Whoa!" sex. The night turns to day as we continue staring at champagne glasses. The camera pans back toward the bed. Oh yeah! Time to wake up and smell the nookie! We pan past the red dress and other clothes on the floor. I can't really tell from this shot if Lex is a boxers or briefs man. In fact, it looks like he doesn't wear any undies at all. Hot! We pan some more up to Lex sleeping naked on his side. "Housekeeping!" we hear from outside. A Latina maid enters the room (sure, of course she's Latina, Smallville) and looks at the bed. She screams and runs off. Lex wakes up, all, "Huh? Wha?" He turns, and sees that there's a bloody body to him. The sheets are covered in the stuff. Lex looks at his own hands. There's blood on them, but not too heavy. The woman's hands are tied to the headboard, but you really have to look to notice that. The camera doesn't linger on this fact, even though we do get a close-up of the bloody face. Guess no morning nookie, then.
Opening credits. I almost forgot what show this was for a minute.
Wow, the commercials really make it seem like Target is the coolest place on Earth. That's only mostly true.
The round Metropolis courthouse. A gaggle/flock/herd of reporters are waiting for Lex Luthor as he exits with his legal team. College football music: dum da da dum YEAH! At #8, defensive tight end Dirk Howe! (Raaah!) At #29, dirt-slinging cross examiner Marsha Collinsworth! (Wooo!) And it's red-haired Nelly Galan-looking defensive linewoman at #89, telling Lex not to answer any questions. Dum da dad um YEAH! Da da da dum.... The defensive linewoman holds up her hand and tells everybody that her client has no comment.
We switch to a TV view of the action. Channel 54 KPAZ is reporting a "billionaire bloodbath," and tells us that Lex was released on $5 million bail. As Lex is led to a dark SUV, the news reporter says that Lex is the only suspect, and that the victim hasn't yet been identified. The nice TV is in the Lair o' Lex, where he watches the news report grimly with LawyerLady. LawyerLady turns off the TV and asks Lex how he woke up naked to a dead woman he hardly knew. It was a reality TV show gone wrong? Objection! Lex says he didn't kill her. LawyerLady says she didn't ask: "You're paying me to get you off [dirty!], not to prove you're innocent." She says that Lex needs to be straight with her. My God, woman, do you even know who you're dealing with? She asks if he'd been drinking. Lex says he had, at the fundraiser in the hotel. He had champagne. She asks if he was drugged. Lex says that if he was, it wouldn't be the first time. LawyerLady says that if that's what happened, it'll show up in the drug test Lex just took. Shouldn't she have been asking all these questions before he went before a judge to decide bail? Maybe I'm just not well-versed on our legal system. LawyerLady says that Lex is going to have to remember everything he can about the girl. Lex struggles to do just that. "She had a pink MP3 player," he says. "We listened to it together." LaywerLady says that wasn't on the evidence list. She asks if the woman had it with her in the hotel.
“ 'Lex,' Clark says. 'Clark,' Lex says. Love, love, LOVE! And jealousy. Clark goes all Vanessa Bryant on Kobe with the 'Who was she?!' 'What did you do!?' 'Where's my $4 million diamond, you bastard!' ”
There's a knock at the door. A guard lets in a woman in a light business suit, with a severe hair pull-back and glasses. She's very early-career Joan Cusack. Would it ruin it to say who she is? Probably, yeah. She tells LawyerLady that the DA is on the phone. LawyerLady tells Lex to stay put: "It's a media circus out there. And I don't want you to say anything stupid." Lex tells her that her bedside manner needs work. And he would know. LawyerLady tells him that she's not there to hold Lex's hand: "You want a hug, call your mother." Ah, see, Lex doesn't have a mother! Ooh, burn, lady! Wait, Lex is the one hurt by the exchange! Oh, man, lady, you're goooood. Just as LawyerLady is leaving, Clark Kent, as Red Flannel Man, enters the room. LaywerLady gives Clark a dirty look as she goes.
"Lex," Clark says. "Clark," Lex says. Love, love, LOVE! And jealousy. Clark goes all Vanessa Bryant on Kobe with the "Who was she?!" "What did you do!?" "Where's my $4 million diamond, you bastard!" Clark asks Lex how he's holding up. Yes, how is the cheating bastard holding up? "I trust you're here as a friend," Lex says. Or lover? You don't have to be one or the other...ohhhhh noooo. Clark says he just wants to know that Lex didn't do this. Lex steps forward and puts his hands on Clark's upper arms. "I met a girl at the opera," Lex says. "I took her to a hotel. I didn't kill her." "Who was she?" Clark asks. Who was that tramp!? Lex says he doesn't know. Clark is shocked, shocked that Lex slept with her but didn't know her name. Lex goes on a little tangent about how it's one of those nights that never happened, when you meet someone and get caught up in the moment. Lex looks at Clark with searching eyes, asking the virgin farmboy to imagine a night of hot, passionate boffing. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex insists that he's not a murderer, and that he thinks his father might be framing him. Clark says that Papa Luthor is in prison. Lex asks if that really matters. To the Cubans in Cell Block F it sure does: Papa Luthor is worth three shivs and two cartons of Camels. Lex tells Clark to go home, and not to get involved with this heterosexual mess. Clark is so, so hurt.
The Talon at night. Lana is in bed, alone, having a nightmare. The camera shakes as it shows a close-up of her. Something is growling. Lana jerks in bed. We cut to an overexposed shots of Countess Theroux being burned at the stake, some blood dribbling out of her mouth. Her eyes jerk humorously. The torch-wielding mob is yelling. We cut to a shot of Lana rubbing the cave symbol back in Paris. Fire. The Countess chants. The dude from last week is accusing her of practicing the dark arts. And just then, Jane Seymour in a very puffy outfit, sporting what appears to be a felt curtain rod with hanging chains on her head, steps to the front of the mob. Quick cut shots of a tattoo symbol, the spell book, the mob. Jane Seymour speaks in French. Lots more quick cuts. Lana gets flashed with bright light in Paris. The Countess laughs. Jane Seymour's eyes go purply-pink. Freaky! The Countess stops smiling. Fire flashes. Lana wakes up gasping and sweaty. So...Yeah. All right. Thanks for that.