Next on Charmed ...er, " Smallville ..."

S04E08

By Omar G

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. It's called "Spell."

We open on a woman trying to unlock a cell door on a moving carriage. A title card tells us helpfully, "France 1604." A woman says resignedly, "It won't open!" She says they must get out of there before they reach the fields. Nice English there. Also? Nice use of contractions in English in 1604 France. They must have taken Advanced Twenty-First-Century English at Middle Ages France State University. The defeated woman sits to an equally downtrodden lass, who's like, "That sucks! Totally!" "Isabelle?" the other girl asks. A much less freaked-out-sounding Isabelle says, "They've taken my book, and with it our powers. What would you have me do?" she asks. Yeah, bitches! Why you always gotta be asking Isabelle for help? She's not, like, God or something. One of the scared girls says they're running out of time. "Time is the one thing we do have," Isabelle says. Anybody up for some Jenga? Isabelle, who is wearing a red hood that covers her eyes, promises that if they fall tonight, they will rise again to complete their quest. Yeah, hey, Isabelle, about that falling part...? Could we skip that? Nice, hood, by the way. Are you Raiden? Or Falstaff? Or Borrow-beer, or Tanis or Ling-lee of Tammerway or some shit?

Something crashes, and the rolling cage comes to a stop. A horse whinnies. Isabelle, who looks a bit from the face like a certain preternaturally perfect being who appears on this show every week, flinches instinctively at the sound of it. Meteor, no! A cloak is pulled from the cage to reveal a suddenly loud throng of mobbing peasants. Nice of them to stay quiet for that. They're like, "Surprise! Now burn!" One guy says, "She turned me into a newt!" Another guy says, "A what?" Then the newt guy mumbles, "...I got better." Then everybody goes, "BURN THEM ANYWAY!" Some Friar-looking dude unlocks their cage and pulls the three ladies out. "Come on sisters, into the fire with y'all." This episode's torches provided by Larry's Torches and Mob Pitchforks. If you're ever in the Vancouver area, you could do a lot worse than getting your angry mob torches at Larry's.

The two scared witches are freaking out as they're led through the mob, while the one in the red cloak and hood just ducks her head and gets through it. She's obviously seen lots of celebrity perp walks. One guy watching has an axe to grind. No, really, he has an axe to grind. That thing's dull! Somebody pulls the hood off of Isabelle. Hey, wait a minute -- that's Lana Lang! What the FUCK!? Oh I get it. It's not enough that Lana Lang has to be whining in every episode: now she gets to do it across the fabric of human history as well. How very Voyagers. Sometimes I fucking hate this show. WitchLana gives everybody a "Fuck you!" look as we hear something nearby growl angrily. Oh, wait, that's me. Sorry. Wow, my jaw really hurts all of a sudden.

There are several close-ups of a guy who looks to be the mob leader. He looks like he just ate about twenty quail, and damn you if you try to get in the way of his delicious dessert: burning French ladies. WitchLana gives him a dirty look, but he's not worried. He's not the one about to be tied to a stake. Mmmm...stake. WitchLana playfully asks the quail-snarfing magistrate Wilkins if he's come to admire his handiwork. He rears back and smacks her right in the face: "Bitch! Don't be talkin' 'bout my handiwork!" It doesn't sound like a smack, though. It sounds like an orange hitting the floor. The dude -- who's trying to sound like Vin Diesel -- talks about the three stones of power. Mick Jagger. Keith Richards. Ron Wood. Sorry, Charlie Watts. The magistrate tells WitchLana that she may still escape the flames. With her ratty but perfectly stage-managed tousled hair, WitchLana asks for her book. She says there's a page marked. It's chapter four of The Seven Hexes of Highly Successful Witches. The magistrate just happens to have the book handy, the NecroLameicon, and has it opened to a page. "What means this?" he asks of a page with the tattoo symbol from Lana Lang's back, and illustrations of what looks like a barmaid dancing. This be the centerfold. Try not to get it dirty, because my roommate Steve totally wants to hang it up in his dorm room later. The magistrate insists that he only reads the NecroLameicon for the articles! No, really! "It means that the stones of power shall be mine," says WitchLana. So it's a leather-bound ancient Amazon.com wish list, then? WitchLana tells a clearly pants-pissing magistrate that once she possesses the stones, he'll tremble at her feet, and her "kind" will no longer be persecuted. Yeah, except you're about to be burned at the stake, so...I'm thinking that's a "No" on your power stones. Just when I start to think this witch may be a tiny bit sexy, WitchLana spits blood right onto the page of the book. Aw, man! That was a first edition! Couldn't you have just spit on the book jacket? Man, lady, you are evil!

"Animam remito!" says WitchLana. It may be that she's talking about my cousin, Anibal Benito. We pan from the page of the now-soiled book to the small of WitchLana's back, where the familiar tattoo we've come to grow weary of recently is suddenly burned into her back. Sybolism! Literally. "Demon!" the magistrate says. WitchLana just starts cackling. It's not a bad cackle as cackles go. It's actually pretty cacktacular. WitchLana's homegirls aren't cackling. They're thinking about what it'll be like to smell like mesquite-smoked barbecue in about five minutes. The two of them are whining and begging for their lives. The magistrate calls each of them by name, and I forget them as soon as they're out of his mouth, except for Countess Theroux. He says the three of them are accused of practicing the darkest arts. Producing The Swan? "Witchcraft." Oh. He says it's an affront to God, and that they're condemned to burn in the fires of Hell. It's nice of Satan to rent out his fires to France. You really don't want to skimp when you're subcontracted fires of Hell. There's a guy in Budapest, but what you get in discounts you lose in quality brimstone. "...of which you so eagerly seek communion," the magistrate finishes. Like John Kerry at the churches in Florida? WitchLana smiles her witchy smile.

The magistrate nods at his right-hand fire guy. The fire guy, eager to step up to The Show, lights their pyre while singing under his breath, "Come on baby, light my pyre..." "You think this ends with a lick of flame?" WitchLana asks. You mean it doesn't? I guess we could let boars digest your ashes or scatter you into the henhouse or something. We really weren't prepared with a post-witch exit strategy, to be honest. WitchLana says she sleeps but a while, and that her hair will awaken her. Yeah, I imagine it would get pretty tangled and in her face in the morning and...oh, her heir. Heir. Hmm. "And I will have VENGEANCE!" she cries. No, no, haven't you seen Braveheart? You want "FREEDOM!" Or am I thinking of that Al Pacino movie? "ATTICA!" Maybe you should settle for ATTICA!, because I'm not sure you're gonna get VENGEANCE! anytime soon. She cackles some more. The magistrate thinks, "Man, this is one seriously fucked-up chick." More cackling. We zoom out and get an overhead view of the CGI flames engulfing the three French chicks. Nice lighter fluid they had back then.

As the sad "poor crispy witches" music plays, we transition to the flames of a fireplace. The camera goes out of focus for a moment and settles on a now-all-too-familiar tattoo on the small of a very annoying girl's back. Ah yes. The how-you-say? Lana Lang. Jason and Lana Lang are sitting by a very fashionable and decidedly un-Kansan pipe fireplace in her apartment. Jason is asking about a package she's opening that she bought on eBay. Lana says it's from some old guy auctioning it off from Nice. Well that's nice. Lana tells Jason that she had to max out her credit card to get it, but that she couldn't help it because it was calling to her. Jason, who just got fired, is thrilled that his underage girlfriend just spent all her credit on some dumb-ass book. Lana pulls out an aged spellbook from the too-neat bubble wrap. It's the same book Isabelle Theroux spat on earlier. Mmm, I wonder what happens to a bloody loogie after four hundred years. There are symbols on the outside of the book. Jason notes that they look similar to the ones in the cave. Just once I'd like for something on this show to be in Sanskrit or Hebrew or something. Lana says maybe it'll explain what happened when she touched the symbol on the Countess's tomb in Paris. Yes, Lana, the book was written just for you to get some closure on your museum visits. That's surely what the French were thinking about foremost in the seventeenth century.

Lana starts flipping through the book without so much as a pair of comic book-reading gloves. She asks, "How's your Latin?" Jason sticks his tongue in her mouth and says, "Not as good as my French." Only he doesn't, really. He actually says it's not as good as his non-existent Italian. Lana keeps flipping through the book and comes upon the bloody spittle. The fireplace suddenly blows out. Jason goes to see what's up. "Oh my God," Lana says, "this is the symbol from Isabelle's tomb." Jason says that's kind of spooky. Lana runs her fingers up the page and touches the historical loogie. The symbol on Lana's back suddenly glows bright fuchsia. The Pink is back! God help us all. The fireplace bursts into huge flames, singeing the Hell out of Jason. This is where he should go, "Weird tattoos, superpowered half-retarded quarterbacks, a girlfriend who doesn't laugh at my jokes and gets me fired. Seriously? I'm outta here. Man, this is one seriously fucked-up chick." Instead, Jason just goes, "AGGH!" and loses some eyebrows. Lana arches her back in some sort of funky trance, her eyes glowing the same pink color as her tattoo. Her pupils settle on a purple-pink color that goes nicely with the bruises that'll soon be inflicted upon Jason. Jason -- who should be getting an EMS airlift right about now -- brushes himself off and asks if Lana is all right. Lana -- who was about ten feet from the fireplace -- is being asked this by the guy with second-degree burns. Lana stands up, holding the book. She smiles as she touches her stomach and gives Jason a come-hither look. "Never been better," she says. Jason, looking a bit intimidated, says, "Oh, good, because just now when I got a flame to the eye I -- WHAAAAA? Why are you smiling like that?" We go to opening credits.

Somebody SAAAAAAVE us from this episode! I laugh at Lana and the weekly fireball. Payback's a bitch.

Dark stormclouds over the Kent farm. I'm sure that's not any kind of foreshadowing there. Clark is baling some hay, at normal-man speed, when a silver SUV pulls up. It's Lois Lane, who left for all of two episodes. Clark comes over and asks what she's doing out of school. Lois says they're throwing a birthday party for Chloe in his barn...remember? Clark remembers nothing of the sort. Of course, he doesn't even remember what he had for breakfast this morning. He thinks it rhymed with "burial," which he also doesn't remember doing to half the Kryptofreaks in town. Clark's memory, it's a little spotty. Clark gives Lois a glare and says he remembers telling her they couldn't have a party in the barn. "Too late!" she says. The guests have already been invited. She hands Clark an open cardboard box full of frilly decorations. Lois says that if Clark cancels, it would hurt Chloe's feelings, and then Lois would have to hurt Clark. She's not exactly Ms. Lovable Lane, is she? And she looks like she aged about five more years in her two weeks as a college freshman. Lay off the binge drinking, Lois! Lois says she has to get the "wheels" back to her dad soon, so she asks Clark for help with the rest of the stuff in the SUV. Clark is freaking out, because he has a recruiter from Princeton coming in that night. (Snort. Hee.) Yes, given that Princeton's men's football team is about as respected as Texas A&M's rowing team, it's funny to think that Clark might get in based on his brains. You know, it's a big campus. They must just need a super-ass janitor. Clark also mentions that his parents are out of town. Oh really? Lois tells "Smallville" to relax. It'll just be a few people singing "Happy Birthday" and standing around. This party's gonna suck! Clark's got a bad feelin' about this. Just like me when I hit "Play" on the TiVo earlier.

By the tinkling in my scrote, something goofy here of note: Countess Lana is using her newly acquired Witchcraft Chemistry Kit 2000 Pro, which she must have put on her second, newly acquired credit card, to make some nasty yerba. She's got candles, pots, funky tubes, and a mortar and pestle. Somebody really needs to introduce this seventeenth-century witch to the latter-day magic of KitchenAid products. "Hair of two virgins," Countess Lana says. Explease me? She has a list of objects, most of which are already crossed out. Like ta hear it? Heah' it goes: "Wings of a bat." Yeah, I’m sure the pet store was real cool with that. "Disemboweled Mexican high-tail bats? Sure, we keep those in the back." "Salamander tails." Well, you can find those in any reputable bookstore. "Petals of a rose." That's mostly just for decoration. "Fungus." That's to remind us of dental hygiene in the 1600s. "Cloves." Sure, why not. "Hair of two virgins." Good luck finding that in 2004. The rest of the list: "TV Guide back issues, 1993-1997," "Herbal Essence Shampoo (Strawberry)," "Ben & Jerry's: Chunky Monkey," "Eye of Forrest Whitaker," "Tongue of Joan Rivers," "Semen of a randy producer (Just kidding! That's already in there!)." Pomegranate is also on the list. Pomegranates rule. Countess Lana says, "We've been a good little girl, haven't we?" as she plucks out a hair from Lana's head. I just placed her voice: I used to date a very attractive actress back in the day, and whenever she was out at a fancy party or wanting to get cast in a slutty/provocative role, she'd put on this airy deep actressy voice that was cool for a few minutes but was extremely grating if you were talking about, say, getting a smoothie at Jamba Juice. "Why of course! Let's to the mango smoothie," she'd say. "That would be lovely." That is exactly the voice that Kristin Kreuk is using for her Countess Lana this week. It gets old really, really fast.

Countess Lana looks at the plucked hair admiringly as a noise comes from the doorway. Countess Lana covers up her recipe as Chloe and Lois Lane walk in. "Oh, you are home! I've been calling, but no one answered," says Lois. They were just going to waltz in while she wasn't home? Chloe, in particular, has been pretty bad about not knocking lately. Chloe and Lois notice Lana's new hardware. Countess Lana says that it's for a science project. A baking soda volcano? Chloe asks what century. Countess Lana knows the word "retro" and uses it to describe how she's trying to recreate the way they did things in the 1600s. She's being retro-active. Lois remembers she left her phone in Chloe's car and wants to go get it. Chloe says she's craving an "aromatic latte," so she'll go downstairs and get it for her. So why did they come here? Lois gets after Lana, because she was supposed to take Chloe out shopping to distract her from the surprise party. Countess Lana says it must have slipped her mind. Lois tells her to get some traction: "Little Miss Reporter" can smell a ruse from a mile away. How about fungus? Countess Lana slips up behind Lois and plucks a hair from her head. "Owwww!" Lois says, turning in horror. "Oh, no, no, no," Countess Lana says, looking disappointed at the strand, "that's no good." Countess Lana says it was gray. "I don't have gray hair," says thirty-five-year-old Lois. Countess Lana gives her an "Oh really?" look. Lois is completely freaked out. She messes with her hair and says she's going to go use Lana's bathroom. Non-virgin alert! Thank goodness. Somebody on this show needs to be getting laid. Countess Lana keeps studying the hair like you would a really difficult toad. She thinks hard (tough inside that little brain) and comes up with a master stroke. Genius! We get a close-up of "hair of two virgins" on the sheet of paper.

Kent farm. Sunflowers! Lex's favorite. Inside, Clark is clumsily wrapping a big present for Chloe with shiny blue paper and red ribbon. It looks like it was wrapped by a lemur with epilepsy. "Maybe you need a woman's touch," says Countess Lana, who is standing in the living room and entered unannounced. Thanks, lady, but I'm pretty sure what Clark needs is a man's touch. Gently, so as not to further wound the girl who thinks he just betrayed her, Clark stands and says, "Heeeey Lana." There's no other word for it: Countess Lana saunters into the room and notices that's a big box he's got there. Clark tells her it's a gift for Chloe. "I’m sure she'll love it," Countess Lana says, "especially if it's from you," all Mae West. Clark gives her a funny look, then says he wanted to talk to her about Jason. She tells him not to worry; it's just water under a very...tall...bridge. She's mackin', seventeenth-century style. We see she's holding a big pair of scissors behind her back, and she gets up in his face. Clark sits down and asks if she's feeling all right. He says she seems a little different. "Maybe it's the company," she says. Wha? She puts a hand on his cheek. "Jason's my friend," Clark tells her. The friend who's not speaking to you anymore? Inches from Clark's lips, Countess Lana says, "Well, he doesn't think so." Before they kiss, Countess Lana reaches around and tries to cut some hair from the back of his head. Clark moves away awkwardly and asks what she's doing. She lies, quickly and efficiently, that she needs a lock of his hair for a scrapbook she's making for Chloe's birthday. "All you had to do was ask!" Clark tells her, annoyed. "Well, where's the fun in that?" Countess Lana asks. She's way more fun than Lana. Countess Lana holds up the scissors, which no longer work. She asks what happened to them. "They were already broken," Clark says lamely. Clark pulls an imaginary hair out of his own head and asks her if that's enough. Countess Lana examines it and says, of his virginal hair, "It's perfect!" She thanks "Handsome" and saunters back out. Clark, like Jason, thinks, "Man, that is one seriously fucked-up chick."

Stately Luthor Manor, but without the establishing shot. A pair of hands clad in a purple shirt are furiously playing piano, a tricky passage known as "The Gargantuan Pleasure Flute in 8 1/2 Measures," by Schubert. It's our favorite bald bad-ass Lex Luthor, and he's got some classical chops. He finishes the piece just as Countess Lana is walking in. "You play beautifully," she tells him. She apologizes for the interruption, but says she wanted to ask a favor. Lex should get out of the LuthorCorp business and just set up a favor shop in his den like Lucy Van Pelt and her advice stand. He asks when he's ever been able to refuse a favor to Lana Lang. Countess Lana asks for a good bottle of wine for Chloe's birthday. Lex says he didn't know it was Chloe's twenty-first birthday yet. Lana says she wanted to raise a glass with Chloe and Lois. She promises, with batting eyelashes, not to tell anyone where she got it and says it'll be their little secret. Lex says he has a nice light Riesling he could spare that won't do much damage. As Lex moves to get it, Countess Lana says she'd rather have a vintage merlot, somewhere from the south of France, perhaps in the Montblahblah or the Rue de Blah Blah region. Lex says that her tastes have matured from a summer in Paris. Not really; she's still listening to Ace of Base. Lana eyes the manuscript page still on display that was supposed to have been locked away in a LuthorCorp vault a few weeks ago.

Lex emerges with a bottle of wine -- a clever if pedantic vintage. Lex says it's a 1902 from some damn vineyard in some tiny-ass village. He says it'll make quite the birthday gift. Countess Lana asks what this is. This manuscript crap. Lex says it's an illuminated manuscript page. It's illuminated in neon. He says he picked it up in St. Petersburg. Before he can finish his story, Countess Lana cuts in: "You're lying." In a rare moment of being at a loss for words, Lex says, "Whut?" Countess Lana turns at him and says he knows the page's true nature, adding, "The map was not meant for you." Lex wants to know how she knew about the hidden map. "Because..." she begins. "Vanessa!" Countess Lana yells. "Semprini!" The map has disappeared. Lex asks what she just did. Countess Lana does a horizontal "Hook 'em Horns" at Lex with a tiny purple swirly ball floating between her fingers. Lex is frozen. "You seek the stones, don't you?" The stones of a farmboy? Why yes, ma'am. Countess Lana says they can't have that. She takes the bottle of wine out of Frozen Lex's hand. Countess Lana tells Lex that he was right; he does need more piano practice. She tells him to go play some more: "Infinitus." Countess Lana leaves. Lex walks robotically to the piano and starts to play. His face shows that he can't control his body and is wondering what's happening. Lex keeps playing, fast, as his eyes look worried. It's the piano lesson from hell!

Countess Lana is in the woods swirling a tall decanter. "Illuna McMuffin," she incants, "Reggae Sifuentes ignore the roots!" On the ground are three illuminated symbols, including the one from Lana's back. The decanter mixture has turned bright purple. She repeats the chant. The symbols and purple mist fade as Chloe and Lois appear. Lois asks what they're doing out on this nature hike. Countess Lana says she thought it'd be nice to get together with her girls before the party. "What party?" Chloe asks. Lois is mad that the surprise is ruined, but Chloe already knew all about it: "Oh, hello! Investigative reporter! Nothing gets past me." Chloe just can't figure out why they're playing "wood nymph" when there's a party going on. Countess Lana pulls out the wine bottle and some huge goblets to toast their special night. Chloe says that things are getting better. As Countess Lana pours, she says that no matter how much time passes, old friends are never forgotten.

The three toast and drink as lightning (and not even from the sky) suddenly flashes. It's MAD. MAD, I TELL YOU! BWAH HA HA HA HA! We hear crazy swirling sounds as the lightning increases in intensity and photo-negative flashes of Lois and Chloe are shown. Both arch their backs, and we get an overhead view of their fronts. Nice, I suppose. We return to ground level as the two of them return to their upright positions. "Madeleine?" Countess Lana asks Chloe. "Briana?" she asks Lois. "Briana"? Seriously? Countess Lana welcomes them to the twenty-first century. You'll be watching a lot of TV here. Maddie-Chloe asks how they got to be here. Countess Lana says that she cast a spell with her blood in the book that would call to her heir and allow her to take over Lana's body. Simple. "I'm gorgeous!" says Briana-Lois, who can't see herself, but still acts like a contestant on The Swan. "Lookit these!" she says, cupping Lois's breasts and pushing them up even higher than usual. "Yes. They're very nice," says Countess Lana, deadpan and vaguely annoyed. Maddie-Chloe inhales deeply: "Ah...the woods of France. I'd know them anywhere." These two girls are hilariously stupid. "We're in Kansas, Madeleine," Countess Lana says. "Where?" says Maddie-Chloe. It's in the Americas. You know, the boring continent. Countess Lana says she's not sure why she was resurrected there. She'd have preferred Daytona or maybe even Albuquerque. Maddie-Chloe asks about the book. Countess Lana says that they have it, and now they can start using their "Magics" again. They could even combine it with the power of the internets! Countess Lana says that they can continue their quest for the stones. "Is that the same quest that got us burned at the stake?" Maddie-Chloe asks. "That was not pleasant!" says Briana-Lois, and it's very funny. Countess Lana says that's a small price to pay on the road to power. She tells her charges to use their "host memories" to navigate this place and seize the power. The witches smile their witchy smiles. Yeah! Seize the power. That sounds awesome!

Party time! The barn has been gussied up to look just like The Talon. Why didn't they just have it there and be done with it already? Someone is carrying a cheap-ass supermarket cake that looks like it could only feed about six people. There are already three times that many folks just standing around. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! CHLOE!" a big banner reads. The banner makers are back in full-muthafuckin'-effizect. Clark shuts off a cell phone that he conveniently doesn't own when the plot demands it. He looks frustrated. He sees Jason just puttering around and asks if he's heard from the girls. Just you, Clark. Just you. Jason says he hasn't, and walks past Clark, giving him the coldness. Strummy crap alt-rock plays as Clark pursues Jason and tries to apologize. Jason turns and says he's only here because Lana wanted him to be. Yeah, and fuck Chloe! Also, "Because I'm her boyfriend, like it or not," he tells Clark. They hear a sudden barn-door opening sound even though the barn door hasn't opened yet. They both turn to look.

The barn doors slide open. Using lighting from a Whitesnake video, the girls are backlit. Everyone rushes to see who it is, whispering, "Yo, it's sluts! Let's go see!" Maddie-Chloe, Countess Lana, and Briana-Lois are dressed in black, including corsets and leather boots. As they walk in, we get a tight, behind-the-boots shot of the three of them. Everybody cheers this goth-lite makeover. Because nobody could stand these chicks before. There are suddenly sixty people in the barn. Countess Lana complains that they don't have time for this, even with their showy entrance. Maddie-Chloe, with her hair all up and her tiny waist in a tight corset, reminds Countess Lana that time is the one thing they do have. Yeah, but it's a callback to something she said four hundred years ago. I think there's a century-long statute of limitations on that. She asks if Countess Lana didn't say that just before the angry mob set them on fire. "You're really not gonna let that go, are you?" mumbles Countess Lana. Clark comes over to bust up the estrogen-'n-blood bubble, and takes Briana-Lois by the arm. He says that the Princeton recruiter is supposed to be there soon, and asks what took them so long. Briana-Lois explains that they took the scenic route. With an intense look, and her boobs popping up to say, "Peek-a-boo!" she says she "loves the view." Boy, howdy. Lois has what appears to be a black airport luggage strap hanging from a neck ribbon. When she gets up in his supergrill, Clark asks her if she's been drinking.

Jason comes up to Countess Lana. He says he doesn't want to be rude, but he's just doing to say goodbye to Chloe, kick her in the teeth, and take off. Countess Lana says condescendingly that he's a big boy and he can do what he wants. "You're the one who wanted me here," he says. Fuck you, Chloe! "Things change," Countess Lana says. Jason asks why she's acting like this. He also asks why she's dressed like that. "Because it makes me feel sexy," Countess Lana says. Jason looks at her in horror, the way you'd look at a six-year-old in high heels singing, "Happy birthday Mr. President..." "Weren't you leaving?" Countess Lana asks when Jason won't go away. He takes the hint.

Maddie-Chloe's hair is coming loose, but she's still having a great time munching. She tells Countess Lana that the food is so good here. Countess Lana likes that the men actually bathe. Briana-Lois sees a tall guy walk by and admires that the bodies are so hard. Yeah, in the American Midwest, everybody's just a hunk of steel. It's like nobody ever ate a Cheeto here. Briana-Lois says they've better celebrations than this, though. Maddie-Chloe says they can change that. Countess Lana thinks about it and supposes that they can have a little fun before continuing their four-hundred-year quest. That's right. Witches gotta fight...for their right...to PAAAAARTY! The three of them do a quick spin toward a waiting camera. Charlie's Angels! Da da daaaa...da daa da daaaa da daaaa. Oh, whups, sorry. Where was I? The three neowitches do the horizontal Hook'ems, and each of them has her own little Tamagotchi-sized purple orb to cast magic. Great. They're gonna round up a bunch of Pokémons now. "Ribbitup Vienna Sausage!" Countess Lana spells. Purple mist engulfs the party.

Suddenly? It's a Budweiser commercial. The big boombox with "Go Crows" on its speaker grills blasts out some new Gwen Stefani. Formerly lame Kansas partygoers are now moderately cooler Kansas partygoers, and some of the men are going shirtless. That's what it's come to. A big party on Smallville is just a regular party in a barn with music and shirtless dudes. As a shirtless guy passes, a black man in a dark suit and tie whom I mistook for about three seconds as my dearly departed Principal Asskick (minus the asskicking) walks in through a beaded curtain with Christmas lights on it. He's like, "Did somebody announce it's Miller Time and leave it off my itinerary?" He looks around in shock, this college recruiter, at the Poor Man's attempt to create the flesh orgy scene from The Matrix Reloaded. If he was really a college recruiter, the only thing that would shock him is if everybody were wearing Pagan ritual masks and shooting speedballs into a zebra's ass. And even then, he'd think, "Yeah, this is just like when I used to recruit for Ohio State." Briana-Lois is on the stairs, slinking with a crew-cut-hair guy. "Where's Clark Kent?" the recruiter asks the nearest shirtless himbo. The guy points up to the loft.

We peer up to see something both hilarious and mortifying: Clark is sans shirt, and he's dancing with Countess Lana and Maddie-Chloe. I know it's my job to distill these episodes into something like 8,000 words, but sometimes, like now, words simply fail me. Clark's dance is a variation on the "white man's overbite" with some Amanda Bearse Married with Children chicken-lady thrown in, and a dash of Gay Dance Party '04 head tossing. It's notable for its remarkable lack of shame. As I keep saying, the parents just aren't raising this farmboy right if he can't be ashamed of his own body when it does things like this. The recruiter calls out to gay-chicken-dancing-action Clark. Clark, in a very funny '80s boob movie high voice, says, "Hey, come on in! Join the party!" I expect Ducky and John Cusack to walk out at any moment. Clark goes, "WOOO!" and gets behind Countess Lana, pumping his fist the way I sometimes do to denote sexual activity. Then, in case we didn't hear it the first time, he goes, "WOOO!" again. It's the Clark Train! I thought that only existed in the football team's locker room. Clark continues to "WOOO!" and shake his fist and bob his head and pretend to have interest in Countess Lana all the way to commercials. Which is good, because we really need a palate cleanser after that.

Commercials. One for Charmed. How nice.

The morning. A world wakes to The Morning After the Farmboy's Dance. It's Kent Farm. And boy do we have a mental hangover. We pan across the barn loft, where party clothes and streamers lie alongside piles of hay. If you can't have enough gay at your big party in Kansas, you can always provide your own "haaaaaay!" Clark answers a ringing phone, which just woke him up. It's MamaKent. He asks how they're doing in Metropolis. As Clark is talking, a half-naked couple gets up from a hay pile near him and exits. Clark is left holding the guy's pants. Virgin no more? You decide. MamaKent asks about the recruiter. Clark says he thinks he made an impression. Ha! But not really.

Lair of Lex. We hear the familiar Schubert music that Lex was playing earlier. As Lex continues his recital, Clark walks in and tells his sob story about the party and the recruiter and how he thinks he blew it. Here's what a great friend Clark is: even though he's treated Lex like shit for three years and lies to him constantly while accusing him of being the actual evil liar, Clark now wants a favor. He wants Lex to use his connections at Princeton to help this big, dumb, lying, whining alien farmboy. This better be one great blowjob, Kent. Clark pauses long enough to receive a signal from Earth on his home planet of Selfish Ass, and notices that Lex isn't looking so hot. (For once.) Lex is, in fact, playing the piano in a crazed frenzy, and he looks strung out and exhausted. Lex looks at Clark helplessly. We cut to the piano, the keys of which are lightly covered in blood. "Lex, what are you doing?" Clark asks. He tells him to stop. Lex says he can't. Clark shuts the piano keys and pulls Lex away from the instrument. He asks what happened. "Lana!" Lex says fiercely. Yes, but he's asking what happened to you, not to the quality of the show in general. Clark holds Lex in his big strong arms and for once shows a little compassion to the bald and the sexy. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode, one born of desperation.

Lana's apartment. Jason -- who is somehow still in town despite the common sense I assume he possesses -- is looking at the spell book. The fireplace suddenly flares behind him, and Countess Lana is standing in the hallway, telling him he really shouldn't play with that. She says he might hurt himself. Jason says he heard the girls were the life of the party the night before. But did you see Clark dance? Lord have mercy. Countess Lana says it's one last fling before she finishes what she started a long time ago. Jason finally clues in. "Who are you?" he asks. "Kiss Kajagoogoo?" Countess Lana asks. Jason asks if it's the Countess. "In the new flesh," she says. Jason asks what she did with Lana. Please say, "Ended her contract early." Please say, "Ended her contract early." "She's in here somewhere," Countess Lana says instead. Dammit! Jason asks if she could let her out. Yeah, stick her in a ferret or a turtle or something. Countess Lana just hoots with laughter. She asks why she would ever do that. Jason has to really think about that one. He says that all this started with Lana acquiring the spell book. He reaches for the plastic candle lighter and threatens the book. He could have just thrown it in the fireplace, but oh well, too late. Countess Lana makes a pulling gesture with her hand and, in a slick little camera move, Jedis the book to her and out of Jason's hands. "You have no idea what you're dealing with, little man!" Countess Lana says. "Little man" is good, but "wee man" might have been even better. She makes a hand motion to her right, yells, "Assume it's gay!" and Jason is picked up by invisible forces and thrown against the wall. The "wallpaper" on the wall ripples amusingly. "Zoom-zoom!" Countess Lana yells, invoking the fury of the Mazda gods. Jason is pulled up the wall, and his head bangs the ceiling. A nice breeze blows her hair as Countess Lana tells Jason that he's but an insect on her path. Resist her, grasshopper! Countess Lana gets her little purple orb on, and Jason writhes in pain. She cackles.

Clark walks in. I fully expect him to say, "Oops, am I interrupting?" and leave sheepishly, but that's not really the Big Dumb Way. "Lana, no!" Clark yells. Countess Lana sees him and gestures to her right, sending Jason flying through the window. Clark superzips out of there and catches Jason on the street outside. Clark asks if he's all right. Jason is pretty out of it. We hear something crackle. Clark looks up and sees a huge purple flaming sign that says "The Barn Midnight." You know, she could have just left a voicemail.

The barn. Shortly before midnight. Clark has apparently decided against going back inside Lana's apartment right after she threw somebody out of it. I mean, it's not like he has superpowers or anything. Clark looks around the barn, and the three Witches of East-Smallville are standing up in the loft. Countess Lana says that Clark's early, and asks if he's planning something devious. He asks what they did to Lex and Jason. Well, let's see. They're witches. I'm thinking something in a spell of sorts. Countess Lana says that it's nothing compared to what they'll do to him. Briana-Lois chants, "Sorry 'bout your belly" as she makes a huge wooden wheel smack Clark right in the belly, sending him flying across the barn. He picks himself right up as the witches some down to meet him. He tells them that this needs to stop before things get out of hand. There's already a goth dude in town, even if we've never seen him, and the movement must be contained!

Countess Lana notices that Clark is more than just fast. She says that'll make this more exciting. Maddie-Chloe smiles and steps forward. "In Chile!" she cries and sends a bunch of flying axes, knives, circular saw blades, and other sharp implements flying at Clark. Clark's eyes glow red and he mini-fireballs all of them out of the air. Nice work, starfighter! The witches look surprised. Clark says he doesn't want to hurt anyone. Countess Lana says his magics are impressive. "'Magics'?" Clark asks. Uh oh, it's magics! Countess Lana says hers are, too. "Everwood day!" she calls and uses her purple orb to pick Clark up into the air. Clark gasps and struggles as he's held suspended in the air. Countess Lana says they've come too far to be stopped by some farmboy and his tricks. But sometimes turning tricks is all a farmboy has! She lets Clark drop to the ground with a thud. Maddie-Chloe and Briana-Lois come over to hold Clark down. He suddenly has a bunch of cuts and nicks on his face. They say he's very powerful. Countess Lana says maybe they should rid him of his powers. Good plan. That's why she's in upper management. Clark uses his mojo to tell Maddie-Chloe that he knows she's somewhere in there. "Clark?" she asks in her normal voice. Clark asks for help. Maddie-Chloe thinks about it for a second, and then cackles loudly. Briana-Lois joins in. At this very moment, my wife, who hasn't seen this episode or the promos for it at all, walks into the room and says (and I’m quoting exactly here): "What the hell? Is this Charmed?"

Countess Lana is bemused. She tears open Clark's shirt. She starts to chant at him, and I've given up on translating. Something about Evanescence and potato chips. A cold wind tosses the hair and cleavage of our subordinate witches as Countess Lana places her palms on Clark's big chest, and a burst of energy flows out of him toward the ceiling. Hey, I think Tron was in there. Countess Lana stands up and has a magic orgasm. "It is done," she says, satisfied. Now can somebody get her one of those clove cigarettes? She says that Clark's powers are gone. The three of them stand up, leaving Clark and his splayed crotch open on the floor as big, overly dramatic music plays. My wife in the kitchen mumbles about how stupid this all sounds. That's why I married her, folks.

Commercials. Oh, America. Sometimes I think you're better than Blue Collar Comedy, but then sometimes -- like, say, a few weeks after an election -- I watch one of Jeff Foxworthy's buddies get knocked in the nuts by a baseball bat and I start to think that maybe we've gotten exactly what we deserve. In other commercials news: Victoria's Secret is still making bras.

Back in the barn. Clark is strung up in heavy-looking chains to a rafter. He's bare-chested and powerless. "He awakens," says Briana-Lois. So they just stood there and watched him until he woke? I guess that is a pretty torso. He asks what they did to him. Were there...(sniff, sob)...handjobs involved? Maddie-Chloe says they just made sure he wasn't a threat. She calls him "sorcerer." Clark denies that he's a warlock. Countess Lana says that he's something else. She could sense it when "[his] magics were ripped from [his] body." I can't make this shit up, people. If I could, I'd be a rich man, apparently. "I can taste it on you," Countess Lana says. We cut to Briana-Lois, which is a bad idea, because her makeup isn't looking so hot right now. Countess Lana says that Clark must know about the three stones of power. While he was asleep, they took turns kicking him in two of them. Clark lies that he's never heard of them. Torture! Torture him!

The bitches...er, I mean "witches," come up to Clark and start molesting him, saying that they know he's touched the stones. Are we back to talking about Lex again? Countess Lana figures he knows where one of them is hidden. The girls ask him to tell them where the stone is. Maddie-Chloe says, "Let me cut it out of you," and she drags her nails on his chest, bringing blood. "No!" Countess Lana yells. "There are easier ways to get what we want." Sex is easier than that? Really? Countess Lana senses that Clark's body has desires for the one she inhabits. He's warm for her form. "Well, it desires you too, Clark," she says, "very, very much." She comes closer. Kisses him. Not surprisingly, her upper lip goes over his. "Monstra," she says. Monstra.com? The witch employment site? More kissing. Clark feels like he's eating a cheeseburger: he's lovin' it. And hating it. But mostly lovin' it. A pink mist comes out of him in a smoky swirl. Countess Lana is stealing The Gay! NOOOOO! "The caaaaves," says a voice from the swirl , but, like Cyb, I definitely heard, "The Gaaaaaaay." Unfortunately, Closed Captioning doesn't agree with us. Countess Lana smiles. She thanks him for his help. Then she raises a hard-rock hand gesture and says, "Ovulate!" The screen flashes pink, and the three witches are gone. They're not down with public transportation. Clark struggles against his chains. Jason -- who has no real reason to be there -- comes in and finds Clark strung up. It's remarkably not gay. See? I told you. Countess Lana went and stole all The Gay. It'll be weeks before we can get a fresh supply here. Jason, who looks pretty beat up himself, unhooks Clark's chains. He asks if Clark is all right, and what happened: "Did Lana do this to you?" Clark says that the three girls are together and aren't themselves, and that their bodies seem to have been taken over. Jason says that's exactly what's up. He explains about Lana's Countess research. Jason says they have to destroy the book. He asks if Clark knows where they might have gone. He lies and says that Jason should check the school. Clark says he plans to go to The Talon. Jason, cool guy that he is, tells Clark to call on his cell if he finds them. He doesn't want Clark to have to face them alone. Would that he knew what a Big Dumb Liar he's dealing with.

The Caves of Contrivance. Countess Lana puts her hand on the shaft-n-balls symbol on the cave wall. She now understands why she was transported here and to this time, "a thousand leagues from my home." At least she wasn't transported 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea! (It's funnier if you say it in a Phil Hartman-as-Charlton Heston voice.) Countess Lana asks her girls if they feel it calling to them. They seem to be feeling something. Probably just a nice sub-skirt draft. Countess Lana gives an endless speech about their powers and how they'll be gods on earth, blabbity blah blah blah powerstonecakes. God, is this ever boring. Countess Lana opens her book to a page showing the three symbols of power. She incants: "Morbid Paisano!" The cave fissure opens. Light spills forth. Maybe fifth, even. The three of them chant as they step forward. This has gone from merely bad to supremely annoying. The entrance glows white as they walk through it.

Inside the cave. The nice round tablet table holds the piece they seek. Countess Lana can't shut up about how great and awesome this is and how all their troubles are over with. Maddie-Chloe tells Countess Lana to hurry up and take it already. Instead of just grabbing it, like a sane witch, she speechifies long enough for Clark to show up. We hear a gun cock. "Not quite," he says. He's standing in the cave holding a shotgun. I've seen some stupid moments on this show, but this -- Superman trying to intimidate witches who've stolen his powers with a shotgun? I think the bar has been lowered far below the point where anyone could hope to limbo under it. Countess Lana is like, "Oh. A shotgun? Really?" The witches agree he's a silly man. Countess Lana says they were going to let him live. But now? Not so much. She gestures and the shotgun goes flying. She asks Clark to bear witness to the dawn of a new age. The Age of Crap! One with no Gay for anyone! Bwah ha ha ha ha! She grabs for the relic. It glows bright and burns her hand. Ow! Except that the special effect takes a tiny bit too long to catch up to her reaction. Clark dives and catches the metallic piece. He stands, and his chest is full of bright orange light. Chesty! Countess Lana looks worried. I guess Clark's got his powers back. Yawn. Maddie-Chloe asks how that's possible. "I'm not from around here," says Clark. Countess Lana says they can just take his powers again. How does Thursday at 2:30 sound? Clark eyejaculates on the spell book, causing it to go all bright. One of the symbols in the book catches fire. Countess Lana screams. The room goes white. We go to commercials.

The Urbz: Sims in the City. Because city life isn't depressing enough without playing it on your Xbox, too.

The caves. It's almost over, folks. Just hang on. Clark, Lana, Chloe, and Lois all wake up. Three of the four of them are still in black and leather. Did you notice that Clark had time to put on a shirt on his way to the caves? Lois asks why they're lying in the dirt. Chloe asks what the hell they're wearing. Lana still looks better like this. Clark helps her up, and she asks what happened. Everybody's freaked out. Clark smiles because women acting silly and dressing like tarts against their will is funny to him.

Kent home. MamaKent gets after Clark because Bo Duke had to do some of his chores for him that morning. They just got back from Metropolis. Clark apologizes. Bo Duke comes into the kitchen. He asks if there's something Clark wants to tell him. He holds up a lacy red and black bra. MamaKent's mouth is an "O." "Where did that come from?" she asks. Bo says it came from the barn, and in the hay. Clark tries to explain: "It was magic," he says. MamaKent -- in the funniest line by far of this unintentionally hilarious episode -- says, "I'm sure it was!" Clark half-assedly explains what happened while apologizing for the party. Bo doesn't quite believe him. He dangles the bra for emphasis. Clark insists that magic exists: "And worse, it can hurt me." Bo decides to magically ground Clark for not doing his chores.

The Talon. The marquee reads, "Sonnet Saturdays: Free pick up line with purchase." Inside, Lana is getting rid of her witch cooking supplies and packing them up to send back to Williams-Salema. She's got sensible hair again. Lex is there, telling her that she left quite a path of destruction. Lana says she was going to come see him. Lex calls his visit a pre-emptive strike. He wanted to see if there was any more Evil Dead action coming. Lana says it's gone. She asks if she did anything to Lex. Lex examines his recently bloodied hand and says it was nothing permanent, but that she did show off interesting abilities. He thinks, "Man, this is one seriously fucked-up chick." Lana can't remember anything. She says it was thanks to Clark that things are all right now. She says she can't figure this farmboy out. She says he can be selfless one minute, and then do something like what he did to Jason, getting him fired: "For what? Because he's jealous?" Lex stops Lana. He tells her Clark didn't do it: "I did." Lana can't believe it. Lex says he wasn't going to sit idly by while someone in a position of power coerced Lana into a relationship. He seems to be ignoring the part where Jason and Lana were already dating before Jason took that job. Lana holds back her anger. "What are you doing, Lex?" she asks, simply. Lex says he's trying to protect her. She asks if he thinks that's what she really needs. Lex says he only had her best interests at heart. Lana's interests are none of his concern. Says the girl who was Lex's business partner and is now renting an apartment from him and asks him for favors all the time. Lana says she's old enough to decide whom she wants in her life. And whom she doesn't. She leaves Lex behind in her own apartment. Is that really the way you're supposed to handle that?

In the Barnness of Post-Witchitude, Clark is taking down party decorations. He finds a pair of red thong panties. "At least those aren't mine," says Lana, suddenly appearing. Of course they're not. Why would Lana wear something like that? "Hey Lana," says Clark. Yay. A Clark and Lana barn scene. And I thought this episode couldn't get any worse. Lana thanks Clark for rescuing her. Clark says it's good to have the old Lana back. He says that Isabelle was... "aggressively sexy." Lana is disappointed that it wasn't an ancient librarian. "Great," she says, "possessed by an evil slut." She tells Clark she knows he didn't get Jason fired. She says she should have known he wouldn't do that. Clark says he wasn't thrilled that Jason and Lana were dating, but that he realized that the way he acted when he and Lana were together didn't make her happy. Lana says she resented Clark's keeping secrets. She doesn't want to do the same thing to Clark. She tells Clark about the tomb and the symbol and the flash of light. She shows Clark her tattoo. He sticks his hand out to touch it, but hesitates. Clark recognizes the symbol from the cave wall. Lana says she should have told him months ago, but was scared. She asks Clark what the symbol means. Clark averts his eyes. "No," he lies, "I'm sorry." Lana studies his eyes looking to see if he's lying. He totally is. Asshat.

The caves. A flashlight shines on the symbol on the wall. It's Lex. He stares at the symbol. We go to black.

week: Lex in a bed. That's about all you should need to want to tune in, even if he's there with a psycholady.