Jinx

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL!? Shit, I sure hope so because there's a lot of it in this episode.

We open on a Wilson football, sitting on a tee waiting to be kicked. KICK! Folks in the stands cheer as the Smallville Crows receive a kickoff on a cool, sunny day. A helpful announcer tells the crowd that the winner of this game will go on to the state championship in one week. The Creative Sign Brigade is back in full force this week with small signs that read, "Caw Caw!" and "EAT CROW." I prefer the Tom Servo myself: less stringy. Quick view of the crowd, where Lana Lang sits near the front and MamaKent and Bo Duke cheer from a few rows higher. Clark Kent, recent body-switcher and all around pain in the ass, gets up from the bench and prepares to go on the field. "Play your game," says Assistant Coach Jason Teague. Dude, no! He's gonna try to slam dunk and play goalie out there! Clark's game is a crazy amalgam of imaginary farm sports, and I don't think any of these dudes know how to play Kick the Cow. Jason looks horrified at what may happen.

Stadium hallway. Intrepid reporter Chloe Sullivan is apparently buying drugs in an ABC Afterschool Special. On the loudspeaker in the background, we hear that the cheerleading squad is going to nationals. Let's see that episode! Chloe sidles up to some shadowy guy standing in the cavernous hall. "So," she says, "are you the guy?" Well, maybe not the guy. A guy, certainly. One of the guys. But the guy? That's sort of a tall order. In a strangled Russian accent, the guy says, "It depends on what you're looking for." In America, you look for things. In Russia, things look for you! I got a million of these, people. Chloe tries to pronounce his name: "Mikhail Mxyzpt..." He corrects her: "Mxyzptlk. Let me guess: You want to buy a vowel." Chloe tells Sir Mxyz-A-Lot that she wants to put $80 on the game. Mxyz says he doesn't take bets after a game has started. Just so you know, Sir Mxyz-A-Lot narrowly beat out "Bookie Nights" as Mxyzptlk's name this week. Chloe is dejected that she can't gamble. "Rookie, huh?" asks Sir Mxyz. He offers to make an exception. Chloe smiles. Betting is fun! She gives him the money and tells him she wants to bet on Smallville. Sir Mxyz-A-Lot asks if she's sure about that; he has a funny feeling about the quarterback. In Russia, quarterback feel you up, funny! Yeah, maybe that Yakov Smirnoff American-to-Russian-joke thing doesn't always work. Chloe says that, as much as she hates to admit it, she never bets against Clark Kent. Also, always bet on black! Do you like coffee? Always drink it black! Like The Stones? Download "Paint it Black"! I seem to be in repetitious humor mode this week. I apologize for that. And, also, I apologize for that. Sir Mxyz tells Chloe rule #1 about gambling: "A bet is a bet." Huh. Chloe walks off before he can get to rule #2, which is, "How you like my CRAZY Russian accent?" Chloe walks down the hall, and we're treated to an extended ass shot. Ack! Crazy close-up on Sir Mxyz, too. I like the ass better.

Smallville Medical Center. Noooooo! All right, I kind of missed this place. A little. The way you sort of miss cutting lines into your arms when you're a molested anorexic teenage girl who's really into Elizabeth Wurtzel and they put you in the head clinic. It's nighttime. The beefy Blues player is being fitted with an arm sling. He seems to be doing all right. Clark gets out of an elevator and runs into Jason, who tells him that the guy's collarbone is broken in two places. Now, I'm not sports doctor, but should the guy be sitting up and with no neck support if that's true? It looks like he sprained his elbow is all. Jason asks Clark how he shattered the collarbone of a guy who outweighs him by a hundred pounds. First of all, the guy on the table looks a lot shorter than Clark and doesn't look like he weighs more than twenty or thirty pounds more than Clark does. Secondly, did you see how fast Clark was going? I don't care what you weigh: the momentum when you hit someone like that can hurt a fella, whether you're superpowered or not. Thus concludes this week's Omar's Thoughts from the Real World. We now return you to your serialized fictional weekly show. Clark explains that it must have been a surge of adrenaline. From space. Jason isn't buying that. He also wonders how Clark started throwing sixty-yard passes overnight. Soloflex? I hear if you're a fifty-year-old grandma, Soloflex can turn you smokin' hot. Jason also points out that Clark refused to see a doctor when he collapsed a few weeks ago. "What are you trying to say?" Clark asks. Jason says that Coach Quigley (who just returned from being Down Under and boy is he jet-lagged. Heh, that joke never gets old. To me, at least) thinks Clark might be taking performance-enhancing drugs. Like Viagra? "Like steroids?" Clark asks. He can't believe it. He asks what Jason thinks. Jason says he likes to think that Clark wouldn't do that, and he told Quigley the same by vouching for his quarterback. But, Jason notes, it would suck to forfeit an entire championship season. It would suck on an epic, championship level. It would also end a college career. This is Jason's subtle way of saying he doesn't think Clark is exactly going to score a Rhodes scholarship on his own. Jason exits. Clark is left to be the creepy voyeur to the Blues player's pain. Hey, Blues dude: nice MILF.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is talking to Sir Mxyz-A-Lot. He's got what I guess is the teen's transcripts. Lex says he can't imagine what it must be like living in a war-torn country. He only knows what it's like to grow up in a war-torn house. Mxyz says that this sweet rich life is pretty far from living hand-to-mouth. Mxyz says he became pretty resourceful. In Russia, resources fool you! Lex notes that he must have been that to get the attention of Papa Luthor's foreign exchange scholarship. Mxyz does his pretty-boy look with his long Johnny Depp hair-in-the-face, but doesn't answer. I call this look "Melted Cold War." Lex asks how Mxyz likes Smallville High. Mxyz says it's the perfect place to make his American dream come true. You mean having sex with two Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders at the same time? I'm close. Mxyz says the girls at Smallville High are pretty. Preternaturally so. Like this one girl, Lana Lang. Oh, she fills Mxyz's loins with glasnost. Lex refrains from asking what Sir Mxyz-A-Lot thinks of the boys. Instead, he asks how difficult classes are. Lex waits for an answer, but doesn't get one. So he goes all offensive. He says he was surprised by the low test scores and grades on Mxyz's application. Lex goes to get himself a stiff one (this time, though, it's just a drink) while telling Mxyz that he wonders how a solid C-student got Papa Luthor's attention. "You want to send me back?" Mxyz asks. Lex wants to know what Mxyz is really doing there. Lex incongruously starts to slice a lime at his mini-bar. "Cut," Mxyz whispers. Hey, that's pretty personal. Lex hasn't even asked about that yet. Oh, wait, he's cursing Lex. Lex's knife slips and he slices his finger. Lex licks the finger, showing remarkable restraint by not having his manservant come in to do that for him. Mxyz chuckles. Human misery is fun. Mxyz says that Papa Luthor saw potential that you can't find on a report card. In Russia, card report you! Lex is not amused by my Yakov jokes. So we cut to the scene.

Chloe comes in through the kitchen door without knocking. Or a knock so soft I couldn't hear it. She's still wearing Lana's black trenchcoat. Chloe says that no matter how many times she puts Clark in the penalty box, it never sticks. Maybe because it's a box with no ceiling or bars. She says that Clark's quite the hero tonight. Clark says that if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't have won the game. Chloe says they can thank Uncle Sam for that. Er, her Uncle Sam, as in Lois Lane's dad, as in IRONSIDE! He lent her the signal-jamming thingy. Apparently it was designed for stealth fighters. Chloe and Clark didn't notice the F-A18 they brought down while testing it earlier that day. Clark is glad that Sir Mxyz can't hurt anyone with his freakish locust shit anymore. Chloe still can't figure out, though, how she got untied. Er, unhandcuffed. Clark says, in a way I don't get, "And I don't understand how you get sucked into anything besides anonymous tips." Huh? Chloe says they all have their weaknesses, except for Clark, of course. Chloe stares at Clark with keen interest.

LuthorCorp building. Spooky blue glass panels. Lex is taking Mxyz up on an elevator. He says he thinks the guy's new accommodations will be more comfortable than the county lock-up. Mxyz asks where Lex is taking him. Lex flashes his badge on the security panel then presses his thumb on a reader. "Don't worry," Lex says, "you're gonna have a lot of company." Mxyz says he could learn a lot from Lex, but he feels bad that he can't make good on their agreement. Lex chuckles that Mxyz underestimates the value of Lex's winnings. Mxyz says he's lost his power. Lex says that one thing he's learned is that anything lost can be found again. Like my remote. Here it is! Mxyz asks why Lex bet against him if he knew he had a special talent. "I didn't," Lex says. "I bet on Clark Kent." The elevator reaches its stop: "Floor 33.1." They get out. A light flashes on them. "Like I said," Lex tells him, "you're not alone." We don't get to see what they're staring at.

High school hallway. Lana, in black, is digging in her locker. Clark, dumb-ass, comes up and asks Lana where Jason is. Wanna say it a little louder so everybody else can know that she's involved? He says he's left Jason three messages. Lana says she knows. Clark tells her that Metropolis University offered him a scholarship. Lana says that's great. Real fucking great. Clark says he wanted to thank Jason for trusting him with the scout. "Well, it's too bad you couldn't return the favor," Lana tells Clark. She walks off saying, "Jason got fired this morning." Ooh, snap! Lana walks past the trophy case. Clark is sad.