Mxzyptlkmatosis

S04E07

By Omar G

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL!? Shit, I sure hope so because there's a lot of it in this episode.

We open on a Wilson football, sitting on a tee waiting to be kicked. KICK! Folks in the stands cheer as the Smallville Crows receive a kickoff on a cool, sunny day. A helpful announcer tells the crowd that the winner of this game will go on to the state championship in one week. The Creative Sign Brigade is back in full force this week with small signs that read, "Caw Caw!" and "EAT CROW." I prefer the Tom Servo myself: less stringy. Quick view of the crowd, where Lana Lang sits near the front and MamaKent and Bo Duke cheer from a few rows higher. Clark Kent, recent body-switcher and all around pain in the ass, gets up from the bench and prepares to go on the field. "Play your game," says Assistant Coach Jason Teague. Dude, no! He's gonna try to slam dunk and play goalie out there! Clark's game is a crazy amalgam of imaginary farm sports, and I don't think any of these dudes know how to play Kick the Cow. Jason looks horrified at what may happen.

Stadium hallway. Intrepid reporter Chloe Sullivan is apparently buying drugs in an ABC Afterschool Special. On the loudspeaker in the background, we hear that the cheerleading squad is going to nationals. Let's see that episode! Chloe sidles up to some shadowy guy standing in the cavernous hall. "So," she says, "are you the guy?" Well, maybe not the guy. A guy, certainly. One of the guys. But the guy? That's sort of a tall order. In a strangled Russian accent, the guy says, "It depends on what you're looking for." In America, you look for things. In Russia, things look for you! I got a million of these, people. Chloe tries to pronounce his name: "Mikhail Mxyzpt..." He corrects her: "Mxyzptlk. Let me guess: You want to buy a vowel." Chloe tells Sir Mxyz-A-Lot that she wants to put $80 on the game. Mxyz says he doesn't take bets after a game has started. Just so you know, Sir Mxyz-A-Lot narrowly beat out "Bookie Nights" as Mxyzptlk's name this week. Chloe is dejected that she can't gamble. "Rookie, huh?" asks Sir Mxyz. He offers to make an exception. Chloe smiles. Betting is fun! She gives him the money and tells him she wants to bet on Smallville. Sir Mxyz-A-Lot asks if she's sure about that; he has a funny feeling about the quarterback. In Russia, quarterback feel you up, funny! Yeah, maybe that Yakov Smirnoff American-to-Russian-joke thing doesn't always work. Chloe says that, as much as she hates to admit it, she never bets against Clark Kent. Also, always bet on black! Do you like coffee? Always drink it black! Like The Stones? Download "Paint it Black"! I seem to be in repetitious humor mode this week. I apologize for that. And, also, I apologize for that. Sir Mxyz tells Chloe rule #1 about gambling: "A bet is a bet." Huh. Chloe walks off before he can get to rule #2, which is, "How you like my CRAZY Russian accent?" Chloe walks down the hall, and we're treated to an extended ass shot. Ack! Crazy close-up on Sir Mxyz, too. I like the ass better.

Out on the field: Ten seconds left. Crows are down 24-21 with the ball on the 40-yard-line. It's 4th and 10. Yawn, I'm bored just writing all this out. Bo and MamaKent are excited. Clark and his huddle break. They're playing a team called the Blues. That's the Kerry team. I have a feeling the red team is going to win this year by going down the middle. Just noticed that the Crows uniforms all have little LuthorCorp logos just north of each player's heart. Awww, Lex. In the stands, Chloe and Lana are cheering. Chloe's wearing a very becoming red jacket. Lana is still sporting black -- this time a creepy trenchcoat like the one I used to wear in high school. Sir Mxyz is sitting right down the row from them. Rock music rollicks as Clark hikes the ball. He fakes a handoff. One of the running backs gets flipped over. Clark pitches the ball to another back, and they run toward the goal line. "Fumble," mumbles Sir Mxyz-A-Lot from the stands. The running back does, dropping the ball. "Ohhhh!" the crowd says. One girl is totally smiling even though her team is about to lose. Clark Kent picks up the fumble -- not the first time he's bent over to tend to some loose balls -- and runs toward the goal in slow motion. Bo and MamaKent stand up. "Trip," Mxyz says, looking angry at this revoltin' turn of events. Clark suddenly trips hilariously in slow motion. Hey, did you find that trip on Orbitz? Hee hee. Clark barrels into the chest of a Blues tackler. They both fall hard. Clark, though, was lucky enough to fall right into the end zone. "All right!" Clark thinks, "a hat trick!" Chloe and Lana cheer. Jason Teague does, too. Sir Mxyz-A-Lot stays sitting, looking pissed. MamaKent cheers while Bo looks concerned. The Crows win! Again! How can they do it when their quarterback is an alien with Superman powers? Unbelievable! The Crows players gather in the field to celebrate while an overhead shot shows us that the Blues player Clark ran into isn't getting up. Dramatic music plays. Bo still looks concerned and constipated. Damn all that cheese! Clark (#8), Jason and Random Red-Shirt Ensign Player watch with worry. A Blues player looks at Clark angrily. Clark thinks, "Does this mean the guy gets a free-throw?"

Credits! It's still Remy Zero. You're not missing much by skipping them.

Commercials. This show brought to you by Old Spice: Red Zone. Old Spice: "We're not just for smelling like your grandpa anymore."

Smallville Medical Center. Noooooo! All right, I kind of missed this place. A little. The way you sort of miss cutting lines into your arms when you're a molested anorexic teenage girl who's really into Elizabeth Wurtzel and they put you in the head clinic. It's nighttime. The beefy Blues player is being fitted with an arm sling. He seems to be doing all right. Clark gets out of an elevator and runs into Jason, who tells him that the guy's collarbone is broken in two places. Now, I'm not sports doctor, but should the guy be sitting up and with no neck support if that's true? It looks like he sprained his elbow is all. Jason asks Clark how he shattered the collarbone of a guy who outweighs him by a hundred pounds. First of all, the guy on the table looks a lot shorter than Clark and doesn't look like he weighs more than twenty or thirty pounds more than Clark does. Secondly, did you see how fast Clark was going? I don't care what you weigh: the momentum when you hit someone like that can hurt a fella, whether you're superpowered or not. Thus concludes this week's Omar's Thoughts from the Real World. We now return you to your serialized fictional weekly show. Clark explains that it must have been a surge of adrenaline. From space. Jason isn't buying that. He also wonders how Clark started throwing sixty-yard passes overnight. Soloflex? I hear if you're a fifty-year-old grandma, Soloflex can turn you smokin' hot. Jason also points out that Clark refused to see a doctor when he collapsed a few weeks ago. "What are you trying to say?" Clark asks. Jason says that Coach Quigley (who just returned from being Down Under and boy is he jet-lagged. Heh, that joke never gets old. To me, at least) thinks Clark might be taking performance-enhancing drugs. Like Viagra? "Like steroids?" Clark asks. He can't believe it. He asks what Jason thinks. Jason says he likes to think that Clark wouldn't do that, and he told Quigley the same by vouching for his quarterback. But, Jason notes, it would suck to forfeit an entire championship season. It would suck on an epic, championship level. It would also end a college career. This is Jason's subtle way of saying he doesn't think Clark is exactly going to score a Rhodes scholarship on his own. Jason exits. Clark is left to be the creepy voyeur to the Blues player's pain. Hey, Blues dude: nice MILF.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is talking to Sir Mxyz-A-Lot. He's got what I guess is the teen's transcripts. Lex says he can't imagine what it must be like living in a war-torn country. He only knows what it's like to grow up in a war-torn house. Mxyz says that this sweet rich life is pretty far from living hand-to-mouth. Mxyz says he became pretty resourceful. In Russia, resources fool you! Lex notes that he must have been that to get the attention of Papa Luthor's foreign exchange scholarship. Mxyz does his pretty-boy look with his long Johnny Depp hair-in-the-face, but doesn't answer. I call this look "Melted Cold War." Lex asks how Mxyz likes Smallville High. Mxyz says it's the perfect place to make his American dream come true. You mean having sex with two Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders at the same time? I'm close. Mxyz says the girls at Smallville High are pretty. Preternaturally so. Like this one girl, Lana Lang. Oh, she fills Mxyz's loins with glasnost. Lex refrains from asking what Sir Mxyz-A-Lot thinks of the boys. Instead, he asks how difficult classes are. Lex waits for an answer, but doesn't get one. So he goes all offensive. He says he was surprised by the low test scores and grades on Mxyz's application. Lex goes to get himself a stiff one (this time, though, it's just a drink) while telling Mxyz that he wonders how a solid C-student got Papa Luthor's attention. "You want to send me back?" Mxyz asks. Lex wants to know what Mxyz is really doing there. Lex incongruously starts to slice a lime at his mini-bar. "Cut," Mxyz whispers. Hey, that's pretty personal. Lex hasn't even asked about that yet. Oh, wait, he's cursing Lex. Lex's knife slips and he slices his finger. Lex licks the finger, showing remarkable restraint by not having his manservant come in to do that for him. Mxyz chuckles. Human misery is fun. Mxyz says that Papa Luthor saw potential that you can't find on a report card. In Russia, card report you! Lex is not amused by my Yakov jokes. So we cut to the scene.

Smallville High. Chloe is in the newsroom typing away at her computer. She's still wearing her red jacket, but now she's wearing a brooch in the shape of a silver horse. Is this some sort of salute to Lana? Mxyz knocks at the door. Chloe gets up and says she didn't realize bookies made house calls, especially after hours. But it's the middle of the day! He says he just walked into the lion's mouth. Er, den, dude. It's lion's den. Unless you're a flamboyant Las Vegas magician. Mxyz is a little suspicious about Chloe, since she's a first-time bettor, and waited until the end of the season to get her gambling on. He says he doesn't think it's a coincidence that she's also Smallville's most notorious whistleblower. I thought that was Lex with the blowing and the whistle and the...sigh. Sometimes I exhaust myself with all this gay talk. Chloe likes the sound of "notorious." She reminds herself to download some Duran Duran later. Mxyz has surmised that Chloe is working on an article. "Front page if you play your cards right," Chloe says. Wouldn't that be if he takes bets on someone playing their cards right? Sir Mxyz-A-Lot says he doesn't think the attention will be good for business. Chloe suggests a change of profession. I hear prostitution is lucrative. Extortion, maybe? Mxyz and Chloe are smiling and flirting this whole time, by the way. He says she just found his Achilles' Heel. In Russia, Achilles heal you! With free health care! Comrade. He says his weakness is pretty girls with infectious smiles. Who told you about Chloe's mono? Chloe moves her head around so that Mxyz can get some new angles on her smile. But she insists that she's still writing her article. Mxyz says that Chloe's an amateur at betting. He promises to give her the inside scoop to the seedier side of Smallville. Chloe is intrigued; she says she'd have to get a full behind-the-scenes tour. "And the first stop," he says, "is the winner's circle." He whips out a wad of money and gives Chloe her winnings. She takes it hesitantly. He asks what she's using the money for. "Textbooks," Chloe says. She mentions her dad, Gabe. He's on unemployment, so her college fund has taken a hit. Gabe is the one who should be a bookie right now. Mxyz asks if Chloe would like to make enough money to pay for an entire semester before she wakes up the day. See? Prostitution. Actually, there's a Metropolis Sharks game that night. He says it would be good to get inside the mind of the gambler. Kenny Rogers? "Count me in," Chloe says. She gives him some money back.

Kent Farm. Bo is lecturing Clark. He says there's more to life than championships. Clark says it's easy to say when you have one. Ooh, jealousy burn. Clark says that when he puts on the uniform, he forgets who he is, but he also has never known himself better. He just blew Bo's mind with that. Clark says it's more than a game. Bo blah blahs about how he thought Clark would be responsible with his gifts. Clark says he knows he can control them. Bo gets heated, asking Clark to explain why there's a kid in the hospital if that's true. Clark asks if Bo has ever seen him trip before. "Ever?" Clark asks. Bo has no good answer for that. Clark says that something happened; he couldn't control his own legs. Bo says that Clark can get rattled on the field just like anybody else. "The last place you need to be is out on that football field and you know it!" Bo bellows. Low blow, Bo. Bo offers to call the coach himself to explain. Clark says that he'll take responsibility. But he doesn't sound like he means it. Bo and Clark stare each other down.

Party at The Talon! Cheerleaders are drinking punch (but not the spiked green glowing kind), and MamaKent is laying out some celebratory cupcake-looking coffee drinks. Hmm, that's interesting. My mom just made some cupcakes for a Halloween party I threw last week. Clark sees Jason by the bar and asks to talk to him. But before he can quit the team, a fellow player grabs Clark and congratulates him, totally in awe of Clark's chop to the Blues guy's solar plexus. "You put us in the championship!" the guy gushes. "No, the team put us in the championship," Clark says, thinking, "There's no 'Clark' in 'Team.' Wait, is there? Oh shit, did I get that wrong?" Another player in a letterman jacket chimes in. They can already see the championship and the scholarships, the NFL career and the drug-fueled third-year burnout that ends in a tragic car or boat accident. All that's gonna RULE! Jason watches impatiently, sipping a cup of coffee as Clark collects kudos. The cheerleaders bring out a huge football-field cake with sparkler candles. Everybody loves Clark. Some dudes take down a banner and drape it over Clark's shoulders like a red cape. Then everybody forgets about Clark and his fleeting fame and starts chanting, "Coach, coach, coach!" Coach Quigley emerges from the bathroom where he was dumping from down under and joins in the celebration. He tries to be inspiring by comparing his team to "Topeka West." Topeka West? I was going to make fun of them until I Googled them and realized it's a real school. So, hats off Topeka West. You got a great program over there...that I know nothing about. Quigley looks a little creepy. The coach rants that they have an impenetrable defense and an aggressive offense. First of all, it's not defense that you try to penetrate. And speaking of which, if Clark was on defense, you couldn't say that that team subset hadn't been penetrated. Just sayin'. "And a golden arm!" the coach adds. Everybody cheers for Clark's arm. "Let's go take the title home!" the coach yells. More "coach, coach, coach!" chanting. Jason and Clark exchange a look. Being a football hero is hard, huh Clark? The adulation is just awful.

Smallville High exterior. All the flowers are in bloom! Chloe, sporting J.Lo sunglasses, big hoop earrings, and shopping bags, enters the newsroom of The Torch. Wow, big spender with her $160. "Where did she shop, at Kmart?" Rebecca asks. "I like the new textbooks!" says someone brightly in a clipped Russian accent. Chloe jumps. It's Sir Mxyz-A-Lot. Chloe says she just took 10% for fun; the rest is for tuition. Oh, wait, I guess this money was from the Sharks game. My bad. Carry on, folks. Mxyz says he's glad his tip paid off for Chloe. Chloe gushes about how much fun it was to watch a game when she actually had something riding on it. Because being in love with the quarterback when she was watching the Crows game just wasn't enough. Chloe adds that she hasn't had that much fun on a couch since Johnny Rosenblatt in fifth grade. Mxyz asks why Chloe would want to spoil all that fun by writing an awful article. Chloe says that the article keeps getting juicier. Somewhere, Jayson Blair is like, "This is way worse than what I did!" Chloe asks if Mxyz is going to do something to change her mind. He gets up in her grill and says that she's only starting to scratch the surface. Chloe says that the article is going to press that night. He offers to give her more dirt. She asks if he's trying to stall the article. "I always get what I want," he tells her, very close. "On looks, apparently, because your charm just ran out," Chloe tells him, getting out of his way. "Kiss me," he says. Chloe, against her will, kisses him. It's not a great kiss. "This is me asking you nicely," he whispers to her as she looks trapped. He tells her she's going to drop that article. Also? These are not the droids Chloe is looking for. Chloe, looking scared, decides that these are indeed not the droids she was looking for.

Commercials. Lord of the Rings in HD? I'm there, dude.

The Barnness of Quarterbackitude. Clark has tied up a tire and is throwing footballs through the hoop indoors, even though it's nice and sunny outside. I guess this is supposed to signify torment or something, that he doesn't feel free to practice his skills out of doors. He tosses two footballs right through the tire. Then he walks over to unlatch a tiny lead box where inside a bitty piece of Kryptonite glows brightly. Clark gulps and looks nauseated as he takes the tiny piece of rock and holds it in his hand. He clasps it in his wrist, and then goes back to where he was throwing balls. He passes. The football hits the top of the tire. MamaKent appears. "I've never seen you miss before," she says. She also says she's also never seen Clark shrink away from his responsibilities. Aw, geez, Mom, get off my back! Clark natters on about how he can't let his teammates down. He says he was trying to find away to play like everyone else: shitty. MamaKent finds the rock in his hand. She takes it away, alarmed, and puts it back in the box. Clark mopes that he always gets better after the Kryptonite is gone. He says that guys play injured all the time. Clark will be the Emmitt Smith of alien high-school football players. MamaKent tells Clark sternly that he's not going to be taking meteor rocks out on the field. Clark mopes some more, but MamaKent tells him, "No." MamaKent gives Clark an update on his earlier question: no, they've never seen him trip when Kryptonite wasn't involved. MamaKent blames herself for not remembering that Clark isn't like everyone else, and for allowing him to try to be normal. MamaKent says that Clark has never had mishaps like other kids have. Except for getting lost in the woods. I guess you could call that a mishap. MamaKent agrees that something happened on the field. She suggests that if Clark wants to play, he should find out what it was.

A videotape of Clark's now-infamous football field trip. Clark is in the Torch newsroom watching the video and rewinding to do his own instant replays. Chloe comes in and sees him. Clark doesn't have a VCR at home? Chloe tells Clark that he can stay. Clark asks if Chloe's "self-imposed restraining order" against him has been lifted. Chloe says she's taking a chance on seeing Clark's Dr. Jekyll side today. Clark says he's watching the sports editor's tape of the game to try to figure out what happened to him. The Torch has a sports editor? I thought Chloe did everything. Clark tells Chloe that his mind was saying one thing, but that his body was saying another. He was a genie in a bottle. You have to rub him the right way. Chloe finishes his thought, because she had the same feeling recently. She tells Clark about the Russian kiss. We never got to see if the guy had Russian hands, too. Chloe tells Clark it's Sir Mxyz-A-Lot. She calls him their new Puppet Master. Clark is a little skeptical about the kiss. He's dickish about it, in fact. He asks Chloe why this guy would want Clark to lose the game. Chloe fills Clark in about the guy's bookie business. Chloe goes to her computer and does a search on the name "Mxyzptlk." A Google-like prompt that says, "Did you mean KLTPZYXM?" comes up. They search the backwards name. It brings up a creepy Brothers Grimm-like illustration with a black cat that looks not unlike my own home beast, Cosa. Chloe says it's some legend from the Piatore region. That's where Pia Zatore hails from. Chloe says it's near the Balkans, where Sir Mxyz-A-Lot came from. Clark stumbles (verbal mishap?) as he reads how a bloodline of people from that region can control luck. Chloe asks about the backward name. Clark reads (though we see no text on the screen) that the family changed its name and moved away after a fire burned down a village under mysterious circumstances. Chloe asks if it says how to stop "the kissing bandit." Chloe reads that the only thing that stopped the family was a plague of locusts. Surely you can round some of those up in Kansas. Clark surmises his move: he says that somebody brought this guy into town in the first place. I'm thinking it's time for a visit to Lex.

Lair of Lex! Lex is playing some pool, and not just in his pocket. Lex asks Clark if he really wants him to deport the exchange student. Clark wants him to do it on the basis of the gambling. Lex, very directly, asks Clark if that's the only reason they want this kid deported, or if there's something Clark's not telling him. The truth would be so easy to tell here, but instead Clark lies by omission and doesn't fill his "friend" in on any more details. Asshat. Lex says he's surprised that Clark didn't go to Principal Asskick (I miss him!) or Jason first. Lex says that might be more complicated, though. He says he's picked up on Lana's fondness for quarterbacks. Well, Lex definitely is into tight ends. Clark mopes as sad music plays. He says it's been hard seeing her with someone else. You broke up! Get over it! Lex's mouth twitches. He says that Paris can have a magical effect on people, but that it wanes the longer you're gone. Clark says that Lana's never been this serious about someone. Lex subtly berates Clark for letting her walk out of his life. Clark says that the whole "if you love them set them free" thing backfired. First of all, you didn't do that at all. Second, you probably only know that phrase from listening to Sting. Never take love advice from Sting. Lex says, "It's not about love. It's about what you're willing to do for it." Lex has his back turned to Clark, but looks at him over his shoulder, daring him to "do something for it." It is the Gayest Look and Proposition of the Episode. Lex bends over right in front of Clark, making it ten times more so. Lex says that Clark does what he has to do to win on the field. But if he doesn't do that off the field with Lana, then maybe she doesn't mean as much to her as he thinks? Maybe? Hmmm? Think about it, won't you? Lex sinks a ball. Clark considers sinking two. Serious, heated glances all around.

Lana at her apartment. She and Jason are discussing Clark's possible steroid use. She doesn't buy it. Jason says it happens to lots of guys who just want to win, no matter the cost. Lana says that Jason's not responsible for Clark. Jason admits that he was asked to give Clark a drug test, but lied and told his boss that it came back clean. Wouldn't the boss have wanted to see the actual results himself? Jason says that he believes in Clark, but that he also didn't want to rock the boat, given that Clark knows that Jason and Lana are secret luvahs. Lana insists that Clark wouldn't make it personal. She knows this based on his highly evolved split personality. Lana tells Jason that part of the reason she left for Paris was Clark. Jason's kinda bummed to hear that. Lana says that she couldn't be happier than with Jason. She says that Clark knows that Jason needs this job, and wouldn't do anything to mess that up despite his "unpredictable" behavior. Jason asks if Lana really knows Clark. Her mouth twitches a lot. She really doesn't. And Jason's pretty foolish for trusting his college career and future to these two high-school doofuses.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is interrogating Sir Mxyz-A-Lot. He tells him that the INS is revoking Mxyz's student visa and sending him home. Mxyz seems pretty calm about it and says they're only fun games, this betting stuff. Mxyz says Lex could pull some strings if he wanted to. Lex says it's not worth the embarrassment to him and to LuthorCorp. Lex hands Mxyz a plane ticket and tells him he'll be gone by morning. Mxyz says that Lex wants to know why his dad had such an interest. Lex says he doesn't need to know that badly. Mxyz offers Lex a bet. He says Lex is the "caviar" kind of gambler. He says the only thrill for Lex is putting his chips on the one thing that can slip through his fingers. My brain is trying to sift this to see if there's anything dirty there. Mmm, maybe not. Lex scoffs. He asks what that one thing would be. "In this case, me," says Mxyz. He asks how much Lex believes in his "quarterback friend Clark." Mxyz wants a bet on the championship game. "What's the wager?" Lex asks. Mxyz says that if the Crows lose, Lex will help him get citizenship and grant him $1 million. Lex needlessly takes Mxyz by the shoulders and says he doesn't think the kid could cover that bet if the Crows lose. Mxyz says the reason Papa Luthor brought him here was much more valuable than money. Lex's intrigue gene has just wet itself.

The Barnness of Mopeitude, at night. Clark is looking at some football plays in three-ring binders. Mxyz has somehow come up the stairs of the loft without superhearing Clark's knowing he was coming. "Ah, look. A real-life American football superhero," says Sir Mxyz-A-Lot in sarcastic Russian. Do you have to take a separate class for that dialect? He says he came to thank Clark for ratting him out to Lex. Clark the rat! Mxyz rattles on about players and knowing the odds and all this bullshit, and even Clark looks tired and bored. Clark says he thought the guy would be halfway back to the "Village of the Damned" by now. Mxyz says he's lucky, and that he'll be luckier still at the championship game on Saturday. Mxyz says that when there's an "if" in a game, there are odds. He says he always beats the odds. "Choke," he says. Clark buckles over and starts to choke. Mxyz says that he can't have Clark not play in the game; that would hurt his profit margin. He wants Clark to go on the field. "Unless you want to see more of your buddies in the hospital," Mxyz adds. Clark is left on the ground, choking. Mxyz leaves. "Breathe," he says just before he's gone. Clark can breathe now. But, audience, can you? Excitement! But not really.

Commercials. Seifeld on DVD. It's about damn time.

Chloe in the newsroom. She's wearing a press pass and carrying a folder as she exits into the hallway, where Clark meets up with her. Jason interrupts to tell Clark he's got warm-up in fifteen minutes. Gee, thanks, Coach. Clark tells Chloe that he hopes she had better luck with "the locusts" than he did with Lex. Aww, Clark didn't get lucky. Chloe says she did look up the apocalyptic critters. "Besides eating crops in a single bound, what else can they do?" Clark asks. They eat cheese! Chloe says that when locusts swarm, they emit an energy wave to avoid crashing into each other. So that's where the sound comes from when big trucks are backing up! Locusts! Chloe suggests that their Balkan friend's commands may operate on a similar signal frequency. Clark says that it could be like a dog whistle that the human ear doesn't pick up. Or the love song of the cows emitted by Bo Duke. Chloe says that once a locust's signal is jammed, it can't fly without running into others. That's it! They'll get Sir Mxyz-A-Lot a pilot's license, jam his signal, and then crash him into another plane! Brilliant! Clark says that they just have to jam Mxyz's signal. Chloe says she thinks she knows just where to find that. Radio Shack? Clark says he guesses that with all those bets riding on the game, Mxyz will be here. In school? Chloe wishes Clark luck. Is the game about to start? It's a Saturday and everybody's in school? What the fuck? My brain is crashing!

The opening strains of Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" from their fantastic new album plays. Maybe I'm just a cynic, but I took the song to be pretty ironic on the album, landing where it does on the track list, so the idea of using it as background music as Superman gears up to play football seemed a little...cheesy at best. But whatever. It's a good song. Outside, we get a shot of some PA speakers announcing the start of the championship game. Clark sits alone in the locker room. There's not even a towel boy there. Clark is bathed in sunlight from outside, and he's got his head down. The song vocals begin as Clark looks all determined, yet brooding. I'll bet Billie Joe Armstrong was watching TV the other night and he spat out his beer and said, "What the fuck is this shit?" Clark puts on his shoulder pads. He gets it right this time: They're on his shoulders. Clark laces up. Stands. In his locker sits a bar of Old Spice: Red Zone. There's product placement, and then there's this. Billie Joe just trashed his living room. What does it say about Clark that he's super, but he still needs deodorant? Clark laces up his shoes as the song talks about Clark walking alone. Clark puts on his #8 jersey. He walks alone, he walks alone. Clark makes a "Hulk...ANGRY!" face.

In the hallway, Bo gets a little Green Day time, too. He watches some dorks goofing around as he waits for Clark. Clark emerges, fully uniformed. "What are you doing?" Bo asks. Clark tells Bo that Sir Mxyz-A-Lot is going to hurt Clark's teammates if Clark doesn't go out there. Bo platitudes from the great Bo Platitude Playbook that it's one thing to get hit by a 250-pound player; it's another thing to get hit by freight-train Clark. This platitude brought to you by Old Spice: Red Zone. Get your grandpa-approved platitudes in every box. Clark says he thinks he and Chloe found a way to mess with Mxyz's plan. Why doesn't Bo just go kick the kid's ass? Bo tells Clark that "thinking isn't good enough." Wow, Bo should totally run for president. Clark suddenly goes all motivational-speaker on our asses. He says that having responsibility sometimes means having faith in yourself to make the hard choices. Bo says that also means accepting the consequences. Clark boo hoos that with every handshake, pat, tackle and, yes, extreme wedgie, he makes a conscious decision to subdue his powers so that nobody else gets hurt. "No matter how hard you try, you can't understand that," Clark tells his father. Way to rub your powers in your dad's face. Clark says that's why it's his decision, not Bo's. Bo sighs and says that Clark is starting to sound more and more like his father. Jor-El? Clark smiles. He says he hopes so. Bo's sour ass finally smiles, too. Clark heads for the field.

In case you forgot, this episode is sponsored by Old Spice: Red Zone. A huge banner above the stands proclaims thus. All must have fresh pits to enjoy this game! Old Spice demands it! Two rows of cheerleaders greet the players as they rush to the field. In the stands, Bo Duke and MamaKent stand to the same dork with the straw hat that they had to stand to last week. Coach Quigley gets a shout-out on the PA system.

Stadium hallway. Chloe, apparently having borrowed Lana's black trenchcoat, sneaks into the empty AV booth. If the announcer is blasting on the broadcast system, why isn't someone in here monitoring the levels? Chloe finds a rack of audio equipment. She unplugs two cords marked "PA" and hooks the copper wires up to a gadget from a briefcase up to it. Doesn't this mean the announcer would be cut off? Chloe, who apparently just completed her master's in electrical engineering, whips out a frequency transmitter. She must have borrowed it from Sayid on Lost. She's going to find a way to get the show off this damn island! The device Chloe is holding emits a whining frequency that we, the humans, can hear.

Cut to the PA speakers. As the announcer keeps talking, we hear a cicada-like chirping. In the stands, Sir Mxyz-A-Lot holds his hands to hear ears. He hates cicadas!

On the field, the game goes on. Cheerleaders cheer. Players huddle. Jason stresses. "Trip," Sir Mxyz-A-Lot says, as Clark hikes the ball and settles back into the pocket. The chirping sounds overpower Mxyz, and the command has no effect. Dude, this is a trip! Clark tosses a pass, and a receiver catches it downfield. Mxyz has a headache this big. Chloe continues jamming in the purely scientific sense of the word. Clark looks around on the field happily, thinking, "Wow, maybe I didn't need to go through that whole musical sequence." More silly shots of Mxyz holding his temples. Nobody around him offers him aspirin or anything. The guys on the Huskies team are certainly living up to their name, if you know what I mean. More football hiking. Clark hands off. The play goes successfully even as Mxyz tries to make the running back "fumble." The back does a little high stepping as he scores a touchdown. And the crowd doesn't really go very wild at all. Mxyz is like, "Huh. This sucks."

Musical football montage. Plays run successfully on both sides. Mxyz looks perplexed. At one point, a football lands, and all the Huskies in a circle pretend to fall back like it was a bomb. Eh. Fun, I guess. Tackling. Pitching. Jumping. Flipping. If you like football, this is sorta kinda interesting in a very abstract no-stakes kind of way. In the stands, Bo and MamaKent cheer. The kid to them is still wearing that silly hat. Mxyz is still freaking out. He finally glances up at the PA speaker and realizes that something's up.

Sir Mxyz-A-Lot travels down the stadium hall and finds Chloe with her bullshit gadget. "Fancy toy!" he yells. In Russia, toy fancies you! He smashes the gadget to pieces. Chloe pulls back to swing at him. "Stop," he suggests, but it doesn't take. She slugs him. I just saw It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! this week, and Rebecca and I were giggling over how mean the kids are to each other. They keep talking about how they're going to slug each other, and there's nothing quite like yelling at someone, "You blockhead!" Try it time Clark does something stupid on the show. Also good for when you're disappointed over the tricks or treats life gives you: "I got a rock." Chloe says that Mxyz seems to be broken, and that it sucks to have to play fair. Mxyz pulls Chloe aside and says that, in his country, you don't survive if you don't adapt to the unexpected. He pulls out a knife. Well, that's a strategy, I guess.

On the field, there's twenty seconds left in the game. The clock is winding down. The opposing time fumbles a snap, and the Crows get the turnover. Everyone on the sidelines cheers. So do MamaKent, Bo, and Stupid Hat Man. The Crows take the last time-out as Mxyz suddenly appears behind Clark and calls him over. Shouldn't Clark be on the field right now? Mxyz shows Clark Chloe's cute press badge. He tells Clark that if the Crows score another touchdown, Chloe's dead. But does that cover the spread? Of blood, I mean. Also, if Clark doesn't go on the field and lose the game, Chloe's dead. If Clark were to suddenly learn to fly and go away? Dead Chloe. Lots of luck, Clark. Mxyz goes back to the stadium backstage. Clark is a little shellshocked when Jason tells him he wants an ace back Montana post. Well I want a Philly cheesesteak, Jason. Who's gonna get me that?

Clark goes back on the field for a last play. "Blue 32!" Clark calls. He blew who? Clark glances over at the stadium underworld with its knives and treachery. He does his X-ray vision and sees one skeleton threatening another skeleton with a knife. Go Chloe skeleton! Clark hikes as the clock starts up at four seconds. Clark tosses a long pass. Everything goes to slow motion as MamaKent and Bo, then Jason and Coach Quigley, watch the ball sail. A guy on defense dives at Clark. Clark is like, "See ya!" and everything goes to real slow motion. As everything is in freeze-frame bullet time, Clark zips the hell out of there as fast as he can. He zips past the field. Past all the janitors in the hallway. He even has time to take off his helmet. He rushes in, tosses Mxyz and his knife aside in one fluid motion, breaks apart Chloe's handcuffs (she's been handcuffed), and then runs the hell back out of there before anyone's the wiser. Sweet! Can I do that with my recap? Wait, I guess I do. In between sentences, I've been watching Desperate Housewives, recording some anime voice tracks, and going to the circus. Woo, me and my superpowers! Clark comes back just in time to get the shit tackled out of him. We cut to Mxyz being thrown into some shelves and Chloe suddenly being freed. Yay! Then back to the field where the receiver, in real-time-slow-motion, catches the ball in the end zone. Touchdown! Yay! Chloe is looking at her handcuffs in wonder. Back on the field, Clark is being congratulated. Everyone, all hundred extras, rush the field. Clark is lifted up on shoulders as his parents beam. Yep. We is the champions, people.

Commercials. "Can you hear me now?" guy. Not so much a champion. Oh, and Old Spice: Red Zone. Did we mention we sponsored the show this week? No? Well, we did, jackasses. You bettah re'kanize.

Kent home at night. Bo is preparing to take a little pussy tray of honey and creamers presumably to bed. Either that's very fattening and bad for his heart, or it's very good for his sex life. Clark walks in. Bo teases his champion son for breaking curfew. Clark isn't gonna let the hale old man piss on his parade. He's happy, dammit! For once in his goddamned life. Clark realizes he's late and apologizes. What a strange little moment. MamaKent nods for Bo to go easy on the Beaver. No, really. It's chafing. (No disprespect to Annette O'Toole. It was a beaver joke only in the abstract sense. I have no interest in commenting on your beaver specifically, ma'am. In the future, your beaver shall receive nothing but respect from me. I don't even like that term. It's icky. I hope you won't hold this beaver thing against me. Oh. Shit. I did it again. Please don't send Michael McKean to kick my ass and say something funny as he does it.) Bo heard about Sir Mxyz-A-Lot getting arrested, and he's proud that Clark was able to get that whole villain thing taken care of even as he was throwing passes and avoiding sacks. Bo says they're very proud of Clark. MamaKent is, too. Bo takes his sexy condiment tray upstairs. It's about to get a little 9 1/2 Weeks up in here.

Chloe comes in through the kitchen door without knocking. Or a knock so soft I couldn't hear it. She's still wearing Lana's black trenchcoat. Chloe says that no matter how many times she puts Clark in the penalty box, it never sticks. Maybe because it's a box with no ceiling or bars. She says that Clark's quite the hero tonight. Clark says that if it wasn't for her, he wouldn't have won the game. Chloe says they can thank Uncle Sam for that. Er, her Uncle Sam, as in Lois Lane's dad, as in IRONSIDE! He lent her the signal-jamming thingy. Apparently it was designed for stealth fighters. Chloe and Clark didn't notice the F-A18 they brought down while testing it earlier that day. Clark is glad that Sir Mxyz can't hurt anyone with his freakish locust shit anymore. Chloe still can't figure out, though, how she got untied. Er, unhandcuffed. Clark says, in a way I don't get, "And I don't understand how you get sucked into anything besides anonymous tips." Huh? Chloe says they all have their weaknesses, except for Clark, of course. Chloe stares at Clark with keen interest.

LuthorCorp building. Spooky blue glass panels. Lex is taking Mxyz up on an elevator. He says he thinks the guy's new accommodations will be more comfortable than the county lock-up. Mxyz asks where Lex is taking him. Lex flashes his badge on the security panel then presses his thumb on a reader. "Don't worry," Lex says, "you're gonna have a lot of company." Mxyz says he could learn a lot from Lex, but he feels bad that he can't make good on their agreement. Lex chuckles that Mxyz underestimates the value of Lex's winnings. Mxyz says he's lost his power. Lex says that one thing he's learned is that anything lost can be found again. Like my remote. Here it is! Mxyz asks why Lex bet against him if he knew he had a special talent. "I didn't," Lex says. "I bet on Clark Kent." The elevator reaches its stop: "Floor 33.1." They get out. A light flashes on them. "Like I said," Lex tells him, "you're not alone." We don't get to see what they're staring at.

High school hallway. Lana, in black, is digging in her locker. Clark, dumb-ass, comes up and asks Lana where Jason is. Wanna say it a little louder so everybody else can know that she's involved? He says he's left Jason three messages. Lana says she knows. Clark tells her that Metropolis University offered him a scholarship. Lana says that's great. Real fucking great. Clark says he wanted to thank Jason for trusting him with the scout. "Well, it's too bad you couldn't return the favor," Lana tells Clark. She walks off saying, "Jason got fired this morning." Ooh, snap! Lana walks past the trophy case. Clark is sad.

Lair of Lex. He's poking in the fireplace. Speaking of poking, Clark stands behind Lex as he's bent over. Lex says that it's good to know that the local football star still has time for friends. Clark says he wouldn't put it like that. Clark tells Lex sternly that what they talk about is supposed to stay between the two of them. "I see," Lex says, "so today I'm taking the role of the despicable, untrustworthy friend and as usual our hero is making the fatal flaw of jumping to conclusions." Lex goes over to his bar and drinks from a blu botol of Ty Nant. Mmm, yummy. Clark asks if Lex got Jason fired. Lex says that the student-teacher liaison is a tough taboo to get over. Clark asks if Lex is taking the moral high ground. Lex says he'd hate to see Lana earn a scarlet letter around town. Clark somehow gets the literary allusion and says Lex already saw to that. Everyone in town found out why Jason got fired. "You didn't do this to protect her," Clark says. Lex tells Clark that they both know Lana isn't meant to be with Jason. Clark says that a year ago, he'd have believed Lex did it out of some twisted loyalty to Clark, but now...? "You didn't do this for me. Why did you do it?" Clark asks. Lex turns and stares down Clark. He smiles a bit. But doesn't answer. Blackout. Nooooo! Please don't make Lex love Lana. Seriously. I would die. Ugh. Feh. That is all.