Liver Let Die

S04E06

By Omar G

We open on Clark Kent, Kansas farmboy, part-time superhero, and Advocate cover subject, bending over in his field of Lex's dreams. "31! 42!" Clark hikes. "Mooo!" a big black cow says. I'm not kidding. That's exactly what happens. Clark is doing another of his one-man football games, and it's getting to be more than a little sad. He completely misunderstood when he heard the phrase "fantasy football league." Clark does a fake-handoff to one imaginary boyfriend, then turns and passes to another imaginary boyfriend. "Kisses, running backs!" The defensive line is a row of cows who wish Clark would get the fuck off of their grazing area. Clark passes the pigskin and the football smashes into a hanging wooden bucket full of water. It explodes spectacularly (and not in CGI), but you have to wonder if this tiny moment of imaginary glory was worth breaking a perfectly good hanging wooden bucket. The black cow yells, "Moo -- my water, you DICK!" Clark lifts his arms in triumph. "And the crows take the state championship! HA HA!" I am embarrassed on behalf of Clark. He is a lonely, lonely boy.

As Clark is celebrating, Bo Duke and Assistant Coach (and American Idol judge in his free time) Jason Teague walk up behind him. Jason applauds and tells Clark that it's good to visualize victory like that. Have I already said how cool this guy is? Because I don't know a single person who wouldn't be mercilessly mocking Clark right now, myself included. Clark sheepishly says that he was just practicing, but he doesn't seem ashamed or anything. What kind of heartland parents forget to teach their male model-looking boy shame? Jason says that it's good that Clark is getting his imagination on, because the coach from Metropolis University is going to be watching the Smallville game Friday night. Doesn't that guy have his own game to coach that weekend? Jason says that the guy is coming to check out the new star quarterback. Clark can't believe it. Jason says he never kids about football. Now, if you were to bring up, say, rabbis or loose women, he's got a million of 'em. Clark starts to gush about how great that is when we hear a sudden piercing sound, something out of my chalkboard nightmares. Clark doubles over and holds his hands to his ears. Jason asks mildly if Clark is all right. Clark just continues to cup his hands over his ears, and runs away. Bo thanks Jason for stopping by and runs after his son. Jason rubs his chin and thinks, "What kind of fucked-up mess did I get myself into? My girlfriend is a humorless priss and my lead quarterback is mildly retarded. Why the fuck did I leave Paris?"

The piercing. The burning. Clark tells Bo weakly that he's hearing ringing. They want him to...change...his long-distance...plan. Ow! Bo asks where the sound that only Clark can hear is coming from. Clark just says he has to go. He superzips way. "Clark!" Bo yells. But he's already thinking of whether he'll be able to suit up in Clark's place for the big game.

Kansas State Penitentiary. I thought Papa Luthor was convicted in federal court. Would they really keep him in Kansas? A big truck rolls into the dilapidated-looking yard housing the prison. Inside, in a big open room that could double as a gymnasium used solely for ass-kicking, Lex is sitting at a table as Papa Luthor, in an orange jumpsuit, is led by a guard to a chair opposite his son. No touching, no touching! Papa Luthor is holding his side. Lex says he doesn't look too good. "Did you forget to take your vitamins?" he asks coolly. Papa only chuckles and says that he knows Lex is angry -- angry enough to let his father end up in a Godforsaken place like this. Wasn't it the, er, murders you committed that landed you there? Just wondering. Papa Luthor says it's too late to change anything now. Lex notes calmly that Papa Luthor's got a month left before his liver gives out. When Papa Luthor betrays a look of surprise, Lex says he spoke to Papa Luthor's doctor before coming. Papa says he wanted to see Lex to say "goodbyyyyyyyyye." Papa Luthor looks pretty haggard. Losing your liver is no fun. Papa Luthor says that he's done a lot of things he's come to regret, but that there's one thing he'll never forgive himself for. Papa Luthor draws out, "I never...said...'I love you.' " Whoa. Lex's mouth is pinched. He doesn't know whether to cry or laugh in dad's face. Papa Luthor holds up his hand, reaching for Lex. No touching!

We flash outside the penitentiary, where a flannel-clad blur is rushing through the prison visitor's door. "Please," Papa Luthor tells Lex as he holds out a hand for contact. Convenient how there's no glass separating them, huh? Clark is somehow just let right in by the guards, even as we hear piercing sounds and Clark is holding his head. Nobody thought, "Maybe we shouldn't let the crazy kid with the crazy hands on his crazy ears into our prison"? Clark, still in pain, squints toward Lex and Papa Luthor. He sees something in Papa Luthor's right hand, the one under the table. It looks like a tiny figure "8." Lex reaches out his hand to Papa Luthor. "Lex, no!" Clark screams and hurries over, but without the superwhoosh! Clark knocks over the table between them as if it were five-card stud in the Old West. He lifts Papa Luthor by the jumpsuit. The thing in Papa Luthor's hand begins to glow green. Papa Luthor slowly brings up his hand to place it on Clark's fist with the object between them. Where are the guards in all this? The whole room has gone dark and there's mysterious music playing. We cut to some CGI of the two figures struggling as their spirit beings, or as I like to call them, "whateverthefucks," switch places. Hey, you've got your spirit soul in my peanut butter! Me? Well, you've got your spiritual essence in my chocolate! Wait a minute...this is delicious!

Clark and Papa Luthor each fall separately. Lex is just getting up. "Clark?" he asks. Papa Luthor, bewildered, turns to Lex with wide, farmboy eyes. And he's on his knees. It's Clark, all right. Clark in Papa Luthor's body shall be Papa Clark. Papa Luthor in Clark's body shall be Clarkionel. Got it? Papa Clark notices the weird body-switching rock in his innocent hands and starts to freak out as guards come to take his supposedly criminal ass away. "What are you doing? Wait!" he cries. Clarkionel looks on with a small smile. Papa Clark continues to struggle as they take him away. "What the hell are you doing here?" Lex asks Clarkionel angrily. He seems to be asking that a lot lately. Clarkionel lies that Papa Luthor wanted to see him. Lex asks if he also asked Clark to tackle Lex to the floor. Naw, that was just desire. "He had something sharp, Lex -- a knife!" Clark is delivering the lines like Papa Luthor and it's very cute. Lots of funny pauses and weird inflections. Hey, at least Tom Welling's trying. Lex tells the guards to let Clark go as if he has any jurisdiction in prison. "Let's get out of here, Lex," Clarkionel says with a bit of ham, "now!" Lex is like, "Well, all right!" As they leave, Clarkionel checks himself out in a mirror. Mmm, how you doin'?

Credits. Commercials. The Incredibles! Use it to wash the fishy taste of Shark Tale out of your mouth.

A silver sports car arrives at Kent Farm. Lex tells Clarkionel that he doesn't seem like himself; he barely said a word on the drive home. "The drive home"? They seriously need to get some gay marriage going in Kansas. Is Clark usually a chatterbox in the car? Lex strikes me as the kind of guy who'd be showing Clark DVDs on the way, maybe a documentary on Harvey Milk or maybe Pink Flamingos. "Sorry," Clarkionel says, with super-actor inflection. "Being in that prison -- I guess it upset me." This is awesome. It's not exactly Face/Off, but it's close. I can't wait for the Papa Clark scenes. Lex says that prison is not exactly the happiest place on Earth. "No. It isn't, Lex," Clarkionel says, and right away I'm being confronted with The Gayest Look of the Episode, but can it be, since it's from a father to a son? But the alternative is Clark in the father's body, and I have a feeling none of those looks will be as gay. Dammit, what's a recapper to do? Nevertheless, I'm just going to go with this one. It's a look of smoldering acceptance of the fact that while prison is not fun, for the right kind of man, it can at least be smokin' hot. Clarkionel asks whether Lex feels guilty for sending Papa Luthor to prison. Lex says that the man killed his parents, and he was doing society a favor. Clarkionel asks if "that blood relationship" means anything to Lex. Lex has had enough of this crazy shit. He asks when Clark became president of his father's fan club. Clarkionel concedes the point and exits : "Of course. He's your father. Why should you feel anything?" He should have said "fee-eel" a little longer to get the voice right. Lex's mouth twitches. And not in the good way. Lex drives off. Clarkionel goes for a stroll on the farm.

Bo Duke is kneeling to a big tractor wheel. He calls for Clark. Clarkionel says, "Dad?" He resists the urge to crack Bo in the head with a big rock. Clarkionel does a little shambling walk with his hands behind his back. Bo says that he and MamaKent were worried about him. Bo jokes that it's never a good sign around the farm when people hear a weird noise. He asks Clarkionel to give him a lift with the tractor. Do what? Bo tells him to lift the tractor. The what? Clarkionel takes a long time to get it. "How would I do that?" he asks. Bo says that's funny, but that he doesn't have all day. "Let's go!" Bo bellows. Clarkionel bends down and starts to lift the tractor. This body really works! Clarkionel gets visibly aroused as he lifts the front of the blue tractor. Wheeeee! Bo says that's really nice, but he's not 5'4". "Lift it up over your head!" he says impatiently. Clarkionel nods. He lifts the thing straight up from the front, which doesn't work at all, given the angle and where he's lifting from. It looks pretty fake. But I guess it's a cool camera angle. I guess. Bo steps under the tractor. "Of course..." Clarkionel whispers diabolically, "it all makes sense now!" Bo asks if he said something. "Huh? What? No!" He forgets to twirl an invisible moustache and scream, "Bwah ha ha ha my evil plan!" Bo asks if Clark is all right. "Never felt better in my life," Clarkionel says, smiling.

Prison at night. That's when the shit goes down. Papa Clark is holding the body-switching rock and standing in his cell, which looks awfully spacious. The symbol on the rock is actually the same one as the tattoo currently residing on the small of Lana Lang's back. Papa Clark compares it to a photo hanging up on the wall of his cell. There's a Lionel Luthor version of The Wall of Weird in this cell.

Papa Clark's gazing is interrupted as the cell door opens. A guard lets in a nebbishy-looking guy in glasses and a black skull cap. He's holding a small stack of library books. He looks and acts a lot like Tony Hale (Buster) from Arrested Development. In fact, I had to look at the credits to make sure it wasn't him. "Oh. You must be Lex," says Nebbishy Ned He just knows he's going to get fucked tonight. "Lex? No, I'm not Lex. I'm Clark Kent!" Papa Clark says, ridiculously. I thought in prison, you always added "bitch" to someone's name: "I'm not Lex, bitch! I'm Clark Kent, bitch!" "Houston, we have a problem!" says Nebbishy Ned, bobbing his head around autistically. Ned says that the stone was meant for Lex. He goes to hunt for something. Papa Clark asks where they got the cool tattoo stone. In the background is a broken window, which seems like not a very safe thing to leave, with jagged glass like that, in a prison. Ned pretends not to know where the rock came from.

Papa Clark pleads for help. Ned looks around to make sure no one's watching, and lifts a wall poster to get something hiding within the wall below it. The guards don't check that once in a while? Haven't they seen The Shawshank Redemption? Ned whips out a Mayan rain god statue. He says they found it in an underwater ruin off the coast of Honduras. It looks like any little ethnic-looking statue you could buy at Pier One. Clark asks how he found it. Nebbishy Ned says that Papa Luthor had teams scouring the globe for artifacts carrying ancient symbols like the ones found on the statue. He says they've been found in Egypt, Central America, even some Indian caves in Kansas.

Papa Clark plays dumber than usual: he says that the symbols seem to look like they mean something. Ned takes the bait. He says that the symbol in Papa Clark's hand is for "water," which, of course, means "transformation." Or "douche." It's sort of a double meaning. I like how squirrelly Ned acts. Papa Clark asks how he knows all this. Ned says he's really into pattern recognition and code cracking. He points to a symbol that means "fire," and a Superman crest-looking one he says means "air." Ned says that you take the three and put them together and...Yahtzee! He makes a little triangle with his fingers. He says it'll lead to a trove of knowledge beyond your wildest dreams. For Clark Kent, that would be like a GED-equivalent.

Ned says he didn't believe this stuff either until about an hour ago, when body switching turned out to be as real as...well as real as Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan! Ned goes all goofy and giggles as he touches Papa Clark in the shoulder. Papa Clark asks what Ned did to land in prison. Ned says he was accused of embezzling $14 million from the Princeton pension fund. Papa Clark asks if he did it. Ned mumbles that money doesn't mean much to him. He's rockin' it with translating the Dead Sea Scrolls. "You know what happened? I was framed," Ned says. Papa Clark asks if he just happened to end up sharing a cell with Papa Luthor. "Yeah, pretty lucky, huh?" says Ned without a trace of irony. Ned says that Papa Luthor is hooking him up with some lawyers to try to get him free if he translates some symbols in exchange. Ned just hopes the guy lasts long enough. "What do you mean?" asks Papa Clark, innocently. Ned says, "He's dying." Papa Clark looks at himself in the mirror. "He's dying. That means...I'm gonna die." He's so sad. John Glover rocks this scene. But then we already have come to expect that.

"Oui oui, mademoiselle," we hear, still on Papa Clark's face in prison. It sounds like an agreement with prison bound Papa Clark's self-pitying words. We cut to a shirtless Clarkionel in the Barnness of Body Switching. Clarkionel is hunting through an old clothes chest while he talks on the phone. A woman's voice on the line asks how she can help. As he admires his own new torso in the mirror, Clarkionel tells the woman he's Papa Luthor. He gives her a code number as he flexes. He says he'd like to liquidate his accounts. As he says it, he grabs the front of his pants and takes a peek inside. Liquidated! Dirty! He tells the woman he'd like to convert his funds to Bearer Bonds. Apparently, they're being phased out, so I'm not sure that's such a good idea. She asks for a mother's maiden name. "Meehan," Clarkionel says. More flexing in the mirror. Clarkionel squeezes a football until it pops. And that's not a euphemism. The woman on the phone says there's a problem with the voice verification.

"Clark?" we hear. It's MamaKent, coming upstairs. Clarkionel hangs up the phone hurriedly. "Martha," Clarkionel says heartily. MamaKent asks him to call her "Mom," no matter how old he gets. "Shore," Clarkionel says, and then correct himself: "Sure." All right, for those of us who've been watching John Glover on the show for three years now, this is a treat. MamaKent asks if Clark is going out: he's dressed in khakis and a nice blue shirt. "No no," Clarkionel says in a perfect Papa Luthor voice. He says he's bored with plaid. Clarkionel suddenly zips across the room and grabs a lamp. I thought it was because MamaKent had knocked it over, when I saw this scene the first time, but she's nowhere near it. I guess he just discovered his superspeed. MamaKent asks what he's doing. I'd like to know, too. He tells her he just wanted to tell her how beautiful she looks today, "...Mom." She says something's not right. She detects something in his eyes. Clarkionel looks at her intensely. MamaKent asks if it has something to do with the ringing he heard earlier. "I don't know," Clarkionel says. He puts on a big pout and extends his arms. "I need a hug," he says. This is fucking hilarious. MamaKent hugs him. He smells her hair and gets all intimate. It is icky. His eyes glow red, and suddenly he eyejaculates out the barn window! Ewwww! The fireballs alarm the cows and light a tractor on fire. "What's gotten into you?" MamaKent exclaims. She tells Clark to jump down there and put out the fire. "Put it out?" he asks. "How?" "With your hands," MamaKent tells him. Huh. Hands.

Downstairs. MamaKent is working on some vegetables. Clarkionel walks in, rubbing his hands and chuckling. I hope that putting out the fire was all he did with those powerful mitts. He picks up a kitchen towel and starts to wipe his hands. MamaKent scolds him, and tells him to go upstairs to clean up. He did that in his nice blue shirt? He got it a little dirty. Bo walks into the kitchen with frequent houseguest Jason Teague. He came to check on Clark again. Jason has a crush, I think. Clarkionel makes faces throughout the exchange: Bo pats Clarkionel on the back twice. Clarkionel turns right back around and does the same thing to Bo, in a humorously patronizing way. The entire show should just be about Clark and Papa Luthor switching bodies all the time. Jason asks how his star quarterback is doing. Clarkionel makes small talk. Jason says that Clarkionel is looking at him like he doesn't know who he is. Clarkionel stumbles a bit but recovers nicely: "I know who you are..." He looks at the words "Assistant Coach" on Jason's jacket. "You're my coach," Clarkionel says. Bra-vo. It's good of him not to rub in "Assistant" on "Assistant Coach." Jason tells Clark that he'll see him at practice the day. Clarkionel does a prissy head shake and says he doesn't think he'll make it. Jason says it's pretty important and could earn Clark a scholarship. Clarkionel rushes down the stairs, takes Jason by the arm, and leads him out the door while telling him he has no interest in football whatsoever. Jason stops Clarkionel, who looks supremely annoyed to have any more of his time wasted. Jason says that lots of guys on the team would kill to be in Clark's position. Or in a position with Clark. "You just want to quit the team?" Jason asks. Clarkionel: "Precisely." Door slam. Jason got told.

Prison! It's depressing, but at least it looks clean. Papa Clark is walking down some stairs and gingerly steps out of the way of a scary-looking convict in his way. He asks Nebbishy Ned how he might be able to make a phone call. Ned says they are permitted a phone call once a week, unless they know how to work the system, which he says he does. Papa Clark asks for help with, you know, working the system. Ned asks what he'll get in return. Papa Clark promises to get him out of prison. Ned is dubious: the real Papa Luthor couldn't even do that. Ned says that Papa Clark has no money or power. "I have a lot more power than you think," Papa Clark whispers.

Some scary convict who looks like Rob Zombie in about another fifteen years comes in with his crew of wife-beater clad prison homies. "It's time to play Who Wants to Beat a Millionaire!" the scary dude calls out grandly. This is awesome. Ned hides. All the prisoners gather together for something that will either be very dirty or very violent. Dudes are cocking their heads, rubbing their beards, circling. The guards take off, allowing the situation to handle itself. Old Rob Zombie asks if Papa Clark has his "five large." Is that like a handjob from a basketball player? Papa Clark says he doesn't know what he's talking about, and Zombie -- one of whose eyes is all cloudy blue -- says that the senile act won't work. Zombie calls him "Trump." I wonder if he accepts the Trump Card. Papa Clark insists that he has no money. Seriously! Check his anus! There's nothing there but old memories! Zombie swings a punch at Papa Clark. Clark dodges and tries to throw a punch of his own. Old Rob Zombie catches it in his fist and squeezes. Ouuuuchie! Papa Clark winces and falls to his knees. I really think that a requirement for writing a script for this show is figuring out an elaborate way that Clark can find himself in a situation where he'll get his ass kicked. "Don't play me, Trump," advises Old Zombie. "I'm doing three life terms for murder. What's one more?" He slugs Papa Clark across the mouth. Then he kicks him in the stomach. Papa Clark has until tomorrow to come up with the money. Papa Clark rolls over, head bloody, sad. Prison stops being fun really fast.

Commercials. The WB presents What I Like About You. Come on, Amanda Bynes. It's time to move on, already.

Smallville High School at night. Only it looks like a drawing of the school, not an actual filmed shot. Maybe that's just my imagination. Clarkionel is inside in the Torch newsroom, trying to log in to the LuthorCorp corporate network. He's still wearing Clark's nice blue shirt. The website won't accept his password. Clarkionel slams his hand on the desk, taking out a huge chunk of wood with his fist. "Lex," he whispers angrily. "He changed the password." Did you think he wouldn't?

Chloe, wearing a navel-baring olive top and chunky jewelry, comes in carrying a few binders. She notices Clark's fashion statement. "Was flannel too five-minutes-ago?" she asks. She notices the desk fisting and asks, "Who pulled a Paul Bunyan on the desk?" "It was that way when I got here," Clarkionel says playfully. "Weird," says Chloe. Why doesn't Chloe come to the conclusion that Kryptonite-infected termites are to blame? Clarkionel starts playing his little mind games, telling Chloe that he's concerned about her well-being, and asking what she'd do if Papa Luthor got out of prison. She asks if the "Lionel Luthor alert has suddenly been elevated to orange." Clarkionel smiles smugly. She asks if he knows something she doesn't. Clarkionel rolls toward Chloe in the office chair. "Nooo," he drawls out, "but it always pays to be cautious." Chloe dismisses his concerns; she says Papa Luthor won't be eligible for parole until he's about 112. Clarkionel starts to move toward Chloe as he says that Papa Luthor may get out sooner than she thinks. Chloe backs away, laughing and telling Clark that he's been sacked one too many times. Football, people, football. Don't get naughty on me, here. Clarkionel says that may be true. He says he feels like he's looking at Chloe through a different pair of eyes. He licks his lips. Total Raising Victor Vargas move, that. He says he sees her in a whole new light. Chloe asks what that means. Clarkionel leans in for the kill: "I have to confess that I...I find you absolutely fascinating." Chloe looks at him, falling for the treacherous hook. He says it's the twinkle in her eye...that sexy smile...wait, it's Papa Luthor! Ew! He touches her face with his finger and starts talking about her skin. "Clark, what are you doing?" Chloe asks. Don't you find me...pleasing? Clarkionel closes his eyes a little and says it's what he's wanted to do for a very, very long time. He leans in for a kiss. Chloe closes her eyes and moves to kiss him back. Clarkionel exhales at her. "Don't you wish," he whispers. Daaaaaaamn! Cold-blooded! Chloe is shocked. "Miss Sullivan," Clarkionel says, off to the side, and walks off. Chloe is left with tears brimming in her eyes. Wow. Magnificent Bastardom in a male-model package! Who knew it was possible?

Assistant Coach Teague's office, or, the Den of Statutory Indiscretion. Lana gives Jason a report she's thoughtfully typed up and put into a nice folder for him, when she could have just told him what she found while researching the Countess Thoreaux. Lana tells Jason that she has more in common with the Countess than they thought. Jason jokes, asking if she also ran a coffee shop. Lana's humor filter drains the life right out of that remark. Lana says that the Countess was from a castle in France. She pronounces it "Castle blahblahduveauxblah." She also moves her tongue around in a way that makes for a very funny freeze-frame. Lana says it's from the same area her mom's ancestors came from. So Lana is...half-French? Jason asks what it all means. A more important question: should we care? I'm going to guess not. Lana says it's all strange; this woman was buried as a martyr. You mean a martyr like Chloe? Lana delivers the coup de blahblah: the Countess was burned as a witch. Given that Jason was the one who led her to that particular martyr, wouldn't he already know this? Jason tells Lana that they'll figure this out together. They hug. Research is sexy.

High-school hallway. Clarkionel is walking down the hall, strutting his new body around like he's cock of the walk! Well, I will tell you something. He is cock of nothing! Ahem. Two cheerleaders walk past. "Ladies," he says in a deep baritone, the way I used to talk to girls when I was in high school, only I was being ironic at the time. Clarkionel's not. One of the cheerleaders coos in response. Life is just not fucking fair sometimes, is it? Clarkionel suddenly stops as his superhearing works to eavesdrop on the Jason/Lana conversation. Jason is telling Lana that she's his main concern. He must have had beers with the producers recently.

We cut back to Jason and Lana. Now they're kissing over a woman's being burned at the stake. We get a Clarkionel-POV shot as the office door opens. Lana runs and hides while Jason looks like he made tiny poopie in his pants. "Oh please, don't stop on my account," Clarkionel says. Lana tries to explain. Clarkionel stops her, because when Clarkionel talks, all bullshit stops and everyone listens. He speechifies that Lana's "young, vital, [she has] needs." Well, two of three ain't bad. "Right, Coach?" Clarkionel asks with a twinkle in his eye, as he leaves the room about twenty degrees colder than when he entered. Lana puts a hand to her mouth and sighs deeply.

Penitentiary. A heavy door swings open and blue-shirted, khaki-wearing Clarkionel walks in like he owns the joint. In fact, he probably owns several joints by now, stashed in his pocket for later smoking. It's good to be the Clarkionel. Poor Papa Clark is sitting at a table waiting for his dashing visitor. "What do you think?" Clarkionel asks of his new ensemble, holding up his arms and showing it off. Papa Clark, nursing a nasty black eye, wonders why he stuck with plaid for so many years, hoping it would come back in style. Clarkionel thanks Papa Clark for taking time for a visitor, joking that he knows how time-consuming making license plates can be. Hee. Clarkionel notices that Papa Clark is holding something in his hand under the table. This is how dumb Papa Clark is: it's not even a solid-topped table. Jeez, man. Clarkionel does X-ray vision anyway to be sure. Yep. It's the body-switching rock. Papa Clark is actually surprised when Clarkionel calls him out for it. He warns Papa Clark that he'd never catch him, what with his superspeed and whatnot. Papa Clark doesn't think that he'll get away with it. Au contraire, mon convict. Clarkionel says that Papa Clark knows that true power is better left concealed. Papa Clark thinks that everyone from Clark's parents to his friends will see right through Clarkionel. Clarkionel says that they haven't so far. Clarkionel pulls out a tape recorder and tells Papa Clark to say the name "Meehan" and a few numbers. Papa Clark doesn't want to. Clarkionel threatens death upon Lex. Funny how of all the people he could have threatened in Clark Kent's life, he stuck with the winner. "But he's your son!" Papa Clark whispers in horror. "Your only child!" Clarkionel points out that this precious son was the one who put him in prison and took everything he has. Papa Clark, with tears in his eyes, gives in and says the name and numbers into the recorder.

The Barnness of Embezzlementude. Clarkionel is calling his bank account again, this time with the recorder handy to say the right code words. You mean to tell me the operator doesn't pick up on the fact that it's a completely different voice? The operator tells Clarkionel that his account currently has $2.59. Hey, that was my account balance all through my first three years out of college! "No! No, no!" Clarkionel says. He tells the woman he had $57 million. The woman tells him that a withdrawal for that amount was made two months ago. The customer support doesn't seem very robust for an account worth multimillions. "The day I was convicted," Clarkionel whispers to himself. He squeezes the phone till it breaks apart in his hand. "Lex!" he hisses. "Sprint PCS!" I add. The "Can you hear me now?" guy suddenly feels a piercing, stabbing pain in his heart and falls down dead. Someone walks into the barn. It's Lana Lang. Clarkionel looks over his shoulder at her, looks back our way, and sighs. "This one," he says with a tone of supreme annoyance. Yes! Score one for the Lana-hating fans.

Al Gough: Here, fandom people. Have a bone.
Miles Millar: I hope you choke on it.
Al: Don't you see how much easier life would be if you just succumb to the Pink?
Miles: It's black, now, Al. We changed her wardrobe. Remember how you wanted them to deliver all her old pink clothes to your house?
Al: Shut up!

Lana apologizes for the night before, or at least the way Clarkionel found out about her relationship with Jason. "You'll get over it," he says, rubbing a neck that should never be sore and throwing down the broken cell phone pieces on a table. Lana tries to explain that she and Jason had been dating since Paris. "How romantic," Clarkionel says sarcastically. He's still thinking about his ton o' money. Lana continues to try to praise Jason. She tells Clarkionel that Jason moved to town to be with her, and that things are serious. The wheels in Clarkionel's mind turn. He starts to smooth-talk her in much the same way he did Chloe, telling her that any man would travel around the world to..."pluck [her] succulent fruit." Lana gets really annoyed. "Don't talk to me like that," she says, and walks past him. Clarkionel chuckles and says he can't help it. "Sorry," he says, smiling. Lana asks him to promise not to say anything about her and Jason. In the Gayest Line Reading of the Episode, Clarkionel says, "I don't understand why you're interested in this high-school football coach." I mean, gawd! He's so butch! Clarkionel asks if she has any idea what Clark has to offer. "Yeah, yeah, I think I do," Lana says, finding her inner Warrior Countess. "Lies. And secrecy." Secwets! Wies! It's tewwible! Lana tells Clarkionel that he's the one who broke up with her. Clarkionel says that he was young and stupid. Now he's more mature. Lana says she's not so sure. He wants to show her. He leans in. When he pauses, Lana grits her teeth. He forces a kiss on her. She pulls back and slaps him, hard. "Who the hell do you think you are?" she rages. He's smiling. She storms out. "Clark Kent," Clarkionel says, rubbing his chin and relishing the moment, "of course." Diabolical! He's Clark Kent, bitch! I love it!

Commercials. Blue Collar TV. I don't even have a joke for this. I'd just like to take this moment to mark the moment our culture thought this would make a great TV show.

Prison. We don't waste time with an establishing shot. Instead, we see a guard let in MamaKent, who's wearing a smart green top and visiting a certain prison-bound convict. MamaKent sits. She says she's only there because she was told it involved the safety of her son. I'm still not buying that she would go to the prison without bringing Bo with her or consulting Lex about what Papa Luthor might be up to. Papa Clark says he knows this is hard to believe, but, "it's me, Mom!" The bright, hopeful look on his face is fantastic. Well played, Mr. Glover. Well played. MamaKent gets up to leave, saying that Papa Luthor is sick and needs help. Sad music is playing. Papa Clark then tells the sad tale of when he was six and playing tag with Bo Duke. He ran faster than he ever had before and ended up lost in the woods. They had to call Sheriff Ethan (aw, Sheriff Ethan! I miss him) to find Clark, and when they did, MamaKent started crying. We watch MamaKent's face through all of this, and she convincingly comes to believe it. Papa Clark says that he thought there was something wrong with him, but MamaKent hugged him and told him he was special; he was her special boy. She says the "special boy" part in unison with him and sits, letting out a huge gasp and asking, "How?" Hey, no touching! Papa Clark says it was the ringing that did it. He explains the body switch and the stone with the symbol, as MamaKent gasps sympathetically in all the right places. "I was in Lionel's body," Papa Clark says. MamaKent is really hoping this was all just part of the body switching. She gets up suddenly and says that means Clarkionel must know about his powers. Papa Clark holds her hand a moment longer and warns her to be careful: "He could be anywhere." Where would he go, this magnificent bastard about town with the body of an invincible male-model farmboy body?

Why, to Lex Luthor's lair, of course. Clarkionel waltzes right in, asking if Lex is crunching numbers or spinning daydreams. Do what, now? He goes right for Lex's liquor cart, opening a decanter and inhaling. Lex says he didn't remember Clark being a big scotch drinker. No, but I hear when he's in his cups, Clark doesn't mind drinking down a tall Scot. Ooh, oh, noooooo! I snapped on Clark, hard! Clarkionel tells Lex it's hard to resist a twenty-nine-year-old Highland. There's another joke there, but I think it's the one I just told. Lex smiles, amused that his friend is playing Big Sophisticated Drinker. Clarkionel says he had a feeling Lex would pillage his father's collection of single malts. He has a malt machine, too! Lex's house rules! Lex asks how Clarkionel knows that the scotch came from his dad. Clarkionel asks if it isn't all his dad's: the cars, planes, the castle, the cuffs in his sleeves. Lex says he knows Clark well enough to know this isn't Clark talking. Clarkionel agrees wholeheartedly that he isn't himself. He takes a sip of scotch. "I'm under stress," he tells Lex, and adds that he needs to get his hands on $57 million. Lex says that's an interesting amount. Clarkionel says it's not Lex's money; Lex stole it. Now Clarkionel wants it back. A rushing sound amps up like an approaching train. Lex quickly zips to his right to grab a gun from a box on a stand. As Lex points the gun, Clarkionel superzips away. Clarkionel is there and choking Lex before he even knows what's happening. Lex drops the gun. Clarkionel pushes Lex toward a phone and tells him to call the bank to wire the money over or he'll snap Lex's larynx like a twig. He slams Lex's head hard onto a desk. "Go ahead," Lex struggles to say, "kill me." Clarkionel says he always wanted the best for Lex and Lex destroyed him. "Dad?" Lex manages. Clarkionel suddenly gasps and falls to the floor. As he does, we see MamaKent standing right behind him holding out a glowing green Kryptonite rock. Lex coughs and falls to the floor, not noticing MamaKent's heroics. She goes to him to help. We hear a whooshing sound, and by the time MamaKent looks up, Clarkionel has escaped.

A phone rings in the Kent kitchen. Bo Duke walks in from outside and answers. MamaKent is on the line and hysterically says that she's been trying to reach him, and asks where he's been. Bo says he was at the mechanic's, and that the tractor is shot. How exactly do you get a tractor to a mechanic? Do they have a tow-truck for tractors? Don't farm machinery mechanics do house calls? Oh yeah, there's a scene going. Let's get back to that. Bo is rubbing his neck with a hand towel. MamaKent tells him he has to go to the closet to get a meteor rock. They just keep those around like mothballs? What if Clark wants to get an old jacket out of there? Bo asks what MamaKent is talking about. "Lionel is in Clark's body!" MamaKent yells. Bo is about to mourn the loss of his son's innocence, but just then, Clarkionel zips in, takes the phone, and grabs Bo by the shirt. "I thought I was invulnerable now," Clarkionel hisses, "but I was wrong. Tell me what weakens me." Doesn't he have superhearing? Didn't he hear what MamaKent said on the phone? Bo pretends not to know anything. Clarkionel tosses Bo across the room. He hits some cabinets atop the old refrigerator and lands hard on the kitchen floor. Ow! Clarkionel strides over as Bo amusingly shakes off glass like Chester Cheetah used to flop his head side to side in those commercials. Clarkionel grabs Bo by the neck and lifts straight up to the ceiling. The phone rings again. The answering machine picks up. It's Nebbishy Ned! He's looking for Clark. "Houston, we have a problem!" he repeats brightly. Ned says he's done more reading and it's not good. What is it, like Danielle Steel or the New York Post or something?" Clarkionel drops Bo. Ned says that Clarkionel should see him ASAP. Whoosh!

Prison. Clarkionel meets with Nebbishy Ned. Ned asks if that's really Papa Luthor in that body. "No, it's the Easter Bunny," Clarkionel says, without the usual Magnificent Bastard level of wit. He asks what Ned found and what the rest of the code says. Ned says it turns out that the transference is temporary. He says that the switch back could happen at any time. Clarkionel says there must be a way to make it permanent. Ned can't think of one offhand. "Save murder," Ned says. Theoretically, he means, just talking off the top of his head, if you kill the person off, you'd have no body to return to, so...brilliant! Ned keeps babbling. Clarkionel asks what happened to the body-transferring rock. Ned says that the guards took it from him. "Yeah, they thought it was a weapon," he says bitterly. I love this guy. He's awesome.

The Big House. Papa Clark is wandering around near the weightlifters and other riff-raff in orange. Old Rob Zombie puts a hand on his shoulder. "Time's up, Trump," Rob Zombie says. For a tough guy to be slightly shorter than the guy he's intimidating doesn't really work well here. Papa Clark says he's still trying to get that money. He asks for a few more days. In football terms, Clark Kent may or may not be able to understand, Zombie says there's no overtime here: "Just Sudden Death." With that, he pulls out a big-ass shiv. Papa Clark tries to run away but, damn, it's a prison. There are thugs crowding him in at all sides. Zombie lunges with the shiv. Papa Clark dodges, grabs the hand with the weapon, and bangs it against a rail. Papa Clark gets punched a few times for his troubles. He lands on some stairs. Zombie is handed his fallen shiv by an associate and goes for Papa Clark's throat. They struggle. Papa Clark elbows him in the face, kicks him the chest, and then follows through with a punch and a slamming-the-head-on-the-rail. "This is a lockdown!" somebody calls out weakly. Zombie gets the final blow of his ass kicking. All the convicts start yelling, "No!" as the overhead camera crane of victory descends upon the victorious Papa Clark. They convicts keep yelling. Guards come in and a fight breaks out. A buzzer sounds.

In the visiting room, Nebbishy Ned notices the alarm. He says, "That's never good." He asks Clarkionel why his lawyers never called. Clarkionel ignores him and goes to find out what's up with that alarm. "So, should I call you?" Ned asks.

You know what this lockdown needs? Some cheesy rock music to make it more fun! As people whale on guards and people beat the living shit out of each other, peppy rock music plays. One guard is thrown over a rail, surely to some debilitating injury. It's Mayhem Lite. Now, why are the convicts fighting each other, too? And where did all this paper come from? Papa Clark walks calmly through all of this chaos. He sees his own face in Clarkionel, who is walking in bad-ass slow motion and not getting attacked at all. Slow motion is over when Clarkionel zips into the room to face off (er, "Face/Off") with his old body. Papa Clark holds out his empty hands. "What happened to concealing your powers?" he asks. Clarkionel does his Darth Vader move and picks him up by the neck. "Sorry, only one Clark allowed," he says. I don't see that catchphrase catching on like wildfire. Papa Clark, still held up by the neck, asks if Clarkionel is going to go to high school and stack hay for the rest of your life. Isn't it senior year? What the hell is Papa Clark talking about? Clarkionel says, "A farmboy? I don't think so. I have big plans for this Clark Kent." Papa Clark holds his hand to the side, and the charmed body-switching rock falls from his armpit. Ewwww! I bet it smells like baby farts. Papa Clark brings up the rock, which is already starting to glow, and holds it onto Clarkionel's choking hand. The CGI green cloud surrounds them, and their spirit bodies do a little mid-air dance before entering back into their rightful bodies. Clark Kent's spirit doesn't want to go back. "It's so stupid in here!" the spirit wails before going back home. Chaos continues to riot around them. Papa Luthor opens his eyes, back in his own body and looking sick as a dog, at least temporarily. He looks at his own hand as the rock music continues to blare. Guards in riot suits enter the room. Clark does his own wake-up discovery. He looks at his hand, too. Are they studying life-lines? Tear gas is let loose in the room. Somebody's sneaker kicks the precious body-switching artifact across the room. As the riot police go nuts, Papa Luthor sees a beatific Clark Kent bathed in light and smoke. That heavenly shape disappears in a whoosh! of superspeed. Papa Luthor is crying. It's just no goddamn fair!

Commercials. It's good to buy things, America.

Kent kitchen. Clark Kent is back to normal, and we know this because he's wearing an awful tablecloth-looking red plaid shirt. He's also sweeping up glass shards left by the choking and throwing of Bo Duke earlier. Clearly peeved, Clark asks what else Papa Luthor did while haunting around his bodacious bod. Bo tells Clark that he quit the football team. Clark says he'd better call the coach and apologize. MamaKent adds that he pissed off Chloe and Lana, too. Clark hesitates to use the phone. He says he wants to get that artifact back. Couldn't he have used X-ray vision to find it while he was already there? Bo thinks that Clark should stay away from the prison. Clark is worried that Papa Luthor will find it first. Clark tells them that he heard the same ringing sound when he was Kal-El and ripped the door off of Lex's plane a while back. Bo asks what happened to that artifact. Clark says he put it in a chamber in the cave wall. There's room for two more, including the one Papa Luthor had. MamaKent asks why he didn't tell them this before. Clark says he wanted to close the chapter on Jor-El. Bo, with a small gash on his head, disagrees when Clark says he thinks the artifacts are meant for him. MamaKent says Papa Luthor is more dangerous now that he knows Clark's secret. Clark tells them that Papa Luthor is dying.

...Or is he? In a prison exam room that looks a little too high-tech for criminals, a doctor is telling a shirtless Papa Luthor that something in his test results just can't be. Papa asks him to spill it. The doctor says that Papa Luthor's liver is entirely disease-free. Papa Luthor chuckles. He asks how that's possible. The doctor says it's the closest thing to a miracle he's ever seen. He asks if Papa Luthor has been taking any medicine or supplements recently. "Not that I know of," Papa says. Papa Luthor says he has no recollection of the past few days. He says, very seriously, that something inside of him has changed. He sounds very emotional. "Profoundly," he says, "I'm not the same man." Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that he's going good? Because as much as I'd like to see the Smallville version of A Christmas Carol starring John Glover ["not this one, though, I assume" -- Wing Chun], I would really, really miss his Magnificent and Bastardous ways. I'm not feeling too good about this one, folks.

Smallville High. Clark finds Chloe walking down the hall, and says to her annoyed back that he doesn't know what he did to her. She says it sounds like another convenient case of amnesia. He apologizes. Chloe spins on him and says he's used up his lifetime allotment of apologies. She tells him he should look for help. Clark stares, blankly. "Some psychological help," she says more quietly. Oh. Help. Clark says he doesn't need any. "How else are you going to explain this?" Chloe asks. "Clark Kent, crackhead?" Ha! Clark says he doesn't do drugs. Except for the occasional red Kryptonite. Clark says it wasn't him. Chloe says that whenever this happens in this crazy town, deep down the people are still the same person. "Lana. He's all yours," Chloe says as Lana walks up to them.

Round 2: Lana. She asks if Clark's said anything to anyone. Well, he was just talking to Chloe and he had a conversation with his parents earlier and..."What?" Clark asks. He says he doesn't know what she's talking about. Lana pulls Clark aside and says that Jason could lose his job. She patiently explains that they're a couple. Clark suddenly figures it all out. Lana asks Clark again, pleading, to keep their relationship a secret. Clark gets sad that Lana has a new boyfriend, but agrees not to say anything. She says that keeping secrets seemed to be the one thing he was good at. Lana walks off. Sorry, Clark. She's right, though.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is pouring himself some single-malt. The door opens, Clark calling for Lex. Lex whips out his gun. "Stay where you are!" he yells. Clark says it's him, "Clark." Lex yells back, asking a confirmation question. When Clark fished Lex out of the river, he asked Bo Duke how Lex could repay him. Lex says they joke about the response. "He told you to drive slower," Clark answers. Lex lowers the gun. "Welcome back," Lex says. He goes over and gives Clark a solid, manly hug. Yow. Lex sings in his mind, "Can you feel the heat within my pants, can you feel the beat within my pleats, can't you see that you must be a part...of that heat in my paaaaants?" Clark asks if Lex knows what happened. Lex says it was a bit of a giveway when Clark asked for $57 million. Clark laughs, and then apologizes. Lex, who doesn't seem at all fazed by the crazy shit that just happened, instead thanks Clark for getting in the way at the prison. Lex says he'd have been behind bars instead. Clark says he didn't do anything Lex wouldn't have done. Lex asks how Papa Luthor did it. Clark lies that he doesn't know. Lex says the strength Clarkionel had was incredible. "Where did it come from?" he asks. Spinach? Clark lies again and says that it must have been a side effect from the body switch. Lex says he's glad it wore off. Clark asks for a favor. He wants to help Nebbishy Ned. Clark says that he believed the guy when he said he was innocent. Lex is skeptical, but he agrees to help free the guy anyway. The cost? One shiny blowjob.

Prison. Skullcap-wearing Nebbishy Ned walks out a free man. He's holding a small case and some folders. He opens the door to a waiting limousine. Inside is Margot Kidder! She waves him in. Ned stutters a bit in surprise, but gets inside. She asks if he has what they asked for. He presents a small box holding the Kryptonian artifact. Margot thanks Ned. He says it's a nice car. She looks at him, almost sympathetically and closes the artifact's box.

week: a Kryptofreak of the week episode. Would it be shocking to say I'm kinda looking forward to it?