We open on Clark Kent, Kansas farmboy, part-time superhero, and Advocate cover subject, bending over in his field of Lex's dreams. "31! 42!" Clark hikes. "Mooo!" a big black cow says. I'm not kidding. That's exactly what happens. Clark is doing another of his one-man football games, and it's getting to be more than a little sad. He completely misunderstood when he heard the phrase "fantasy football league." Clark does a fake-handoff to one imaginary boyfriend, then turns and passes to another imaginary boyfriend. "Kisses, running backs!" The defensive line is a row of cows who wish Clark would get the fuck off of their grazing area. Clark passes the pigskin and the football smashes into a hanging wooden bucket full of water. It explodes spectacularly (and not in CGI), but you have to wonder if this tiny moment of imaginary glory was worth breaking a perfectly good hanging wooden bucket. The black cow yells, "Moo -- my water, you DICK!" Clark lifts his arms in triumph. "And the crows take the state championship! HA HA!" I am embarrassed on behalf of Clark. He is a lonely, lonely boy.
As Clark is celebrating, Bo Duke and Assistant Coach (and American Idol judge in his free time) Jason Teague walk up behind him. Jason applauds and tells Clark that it's good to visualize victory like that. Have I already said how cool this guy is? Because I don't know a single person who wouldn't be mercilessly mocking Clark right now, myself included. Clark sheepishly says that he was just practicing, but he doesn't seem ashamed or anything. What kind of heartland parents forget to teach their male model-looking boy shame? Jason says that it's good that Clark is getting his imagination on, because the coach from Metropolis University is going to be watching the Smallville game Friday night. Doesn't that guy have his own game to coach that weekend? Jason says that the guy is coming to check out the new star quarterback. Clark can't believe it. Jason says he never kids about football. Now, if you were to bring up, say, rabbis or loose women, he's got a million of 'em. Clark starts to gush about how great that is when we hear a sudden piercing sound, something out of my chalkboard nightmares. Clark doubles over and holds his hands to his ears. Jason asks mildly if Clark is all right. Clark just continues to cup his hands over his ears, and runs away. Bo thanks Jason for stopping by and runs after his son. Jason rubs his chin and thinks, "What kind of fucked-up mess did I get myself into? My girlfriend is a humorless priss and my lead quarterback is mildly retarded. Why the fuck did I leave Paris?"
The piercing. The burning. Clark tells Bo weakly that he's hearing ringing. They want him to...change...his long-distance...plan. Ow! Bo asks where the sound that only Clark can hear is coming from. Clark just says he has to go. He superzips way. "Clark!" Bo yells. But he's already thinking of whether he'll be able to suit up in Clark's place for the big game.
“ Papa Luthor holds up his hand, reaching for Lex. No touching! ”
Kansas State Penitentiary. I thought Papa Luthor was convicted in federal court. Would they really keep him in Kansas? A big truck rolls into the dilapidated-looking yard housing the prison. Inside, in a big open room that could double as a gymnasium used solely for ass-kicking, Lex is sitting at a table as Papa Luthor, in an orange jumpsuit, is led by a guard to a chair opposite his son. No touching, no touching! Papa Luthor is holding his side. Lex says he doesn't look too good. "Did you forget to take your vitamins?" he asks coolly. Papa only chuckles and says that he knows Lex is angry -- angry enough to let his father end up in a Godforsaken place like this. Wasn't it the, er, murders you committed that landed you there? Just wondering. Papa Luthor says it's too late to change anything now. Lex notes calmly that Papa Luthor's got a month left before his liver gives out. When Papa Luthor betrays a look of surprise, Lex says he spoke to Papa Luthor's doctor before coming. Papa says he wanted to see Lex to say "goodbyyyyyyyyye." Papa Luthor looks pretty haggard. Losing your liver is no fun. Papa Luthor says that he's done a lot of things he's come to regret, but that there's one thing he'll never forgive himself for. Papa Luthor draws out, "I never...said...'I love you.' " Whoa. Lex's mouth is pinched. He doesn't know whether to cry or laugh in dad's face. Papa Luthor holds up his hand, reaching for Lex. No touching!
We flash outside the penitentiary, where a flannel-clad blur is rushing through the prison visitor's door. "Please," Papa Luthor tells Lex as he holds out a hand for contact. Convenient how there's no glass separating them, huh? Clark is somehow just let right in by the guards, even as we hear piercing sounds and Clark is holding his head. Nobody thought, "Maybe we shouldn't let the crazy kid with the crazy hands on his crazy ears into our prison"? Clark, still in pain, squints toward Lex and Papa Luthor. He sees something in Papa Luthor's right hand, the one under the table. It looks like a tiny figure "8." Lex reaches out his hand to Papa Luthor. "Lex, no!" Clark screams and hurries over, but without the superwhoosh! Clark knocks over the table between them as if it were five-card stud in the Old West. He lifts Papa Luthor by the jumpsuit. The thing in Papa Luthor's hand begins to glow green. Papa Luthor slowly brings up his hand to place it on Clark's fist with the object between them. Where are the guards in all this? The whole room has gone dark and there's mysterious music playing. We cut to some CGI of the two figures struggling as their spirit beings, or as I like to call them, "whateverthefucks," switch places. Hey, you've got your spirit soul in my peanut butter! Me? Well, you've got your spiritual essence in my chocolate! Wait a minute...this is delicious!
“ 'Clark?' he asks. Papa Luthor, bewildered, turns to Lex with wide, farmboy eyes. And he's on his knees. It's Clark, all right. ”
Clark and Papa Luthor each fall separately. Lex is just getting up. "Clark?" he asks. Papa Luthor, bewildered, turns to Lex with wide, farmboy eyes. And he's on his knees. It's Clark, all right. Clark in Papa Luthor's body shall be Papa Clark. Papa Luthor in Clark's body shall be Clarkionel. Got it? Papa Clark notices the weird body-switching rock in his innocent hands and starts to freak out as guards come to take his supposedly criminal ass away. "What are you doing? Wait!" he cries. Clarkionel looks on with a small smile. Papa Clark continues to struggle as they take him away. "What the hell are you doing here?" Lex asks Clarkionel angrily. He seems to be asking that a lot lately. Clarkionel lies that Papa Luthor wanted to see him. Lex asks if he also asked Clark to tackle Lex to the floor. Naw, that was just desire. "He had something sharp, Lex -- a knife!" Clark is delivering the lines like Papa Luthor and it's very cute. Lots of funny pauses and weird inflections. Hey, at least Tom Welling's trying. Lex tells the guards to let Clark go as if he has any jurisdiction in prison. "Let's get out of here, Lex," Clarkionel says with a bit of ham, "now!" Lex is like, "Well, all right!" As they leave, Clarkionel checks himself out in a mirror. Mmm, how you doin'?
Credits. Commercials. The Incredibles! Use it to wash the fishy taste of Shark Tale out of your mouth.
A silver sports car arrives at Kent Farm. Lex tells Clarkionel that he doesn't seem like himself; he barely said a word on the drive home. "The drive home"? They seriously need to get some gay marriage going in Kansas. Is Clark usually a chatterbox in the car? Lex strikes me as the kind of guy who'd be showing Clark DVDs on the way, maybe a documentary on Harvey Milk or maybe Pink Flamingos. "Sorry," Clarkionel says, with super-actor inflection. "Being in that prison -- I guess it upset me." This is awesome. It's not exactly Face/Off, but it's close. I can't wait for the Papa Clark scenes. Lex says that prison is not exactly the happiest place on Earth. "No. It isn't, Lex," Clarkionel says, and right away I'm being confronted with The Gayest Look of the Episode, but can it be, since it's from a father to a son? But the alternative is Clark in the father's body, and I have a feeling none of those looks will be as gay. Dammit, what's a recapper to do? Nevertheless, I'm just going to go with this one. It's a look of smoldering acceptance of the fact that while prison is not fun, for the right kind of man, it can at least be smokin' hot. Clarkionel asks whether Lex feels guilty for sending Papa Luthor to prison. Lex says that the man killed his parents, and he was doing society a favor. Clarkionel asks if "that blood relationship" means anything to Lex. Lex has had enough of this crazy shit. He asks when Clark became president of his father's fan club. Clarkionel concedes the point and exits : "Of course. He's your father. Why should you feel anything?" He should have said "fee-eel" a little longer to get the voice right. Lex's mouth twitches. And not in the good way. Lex drives off. Clarkionel goes for a stroll on the farm.