Previously on Smallville: Oh yeah, they don't really do that around here much, do they?
Ooh, boppin' soundtrack, y'all. Do the kids still say "boppin'" these days? When I was young, we'd say, "Man, that outfit you got on is boppin', girl! Let's get to some boppin'!" No? Well, you kids don't know what you missed. I think this song is by The Roots. Right on, Smallville. Right on. We know we're in Metropolis because everything is blue and gray instead of orange and yellow. The camera pans into an uninviting-looking car wash/hoodlum hide-out. Or at least I thought it was a car wash. Maybe it's just an auto garage. A cat shrieks and runs by. A Mercedes-Benz is sitting in this industrial space, while two guys who look like stock criminals stand around. The one in the long coat with Richard Grieco's old stubble says, "I'm not waitin' around for some damn kid. He's late." We hear a whooshing sound. "Your watch is fast," a boy's voice says, suddenly appearing behind Criminal X. The kid cockily says that he's never late. If he says he's going to be there, he'll be there. Like a flash! Boppin'! ["I wish more young people (and old people, for that matter) were that conscientious about lateness." -- Wing Chun] Li'l Flash admires the expensive car and asks if that's real leather interior. "I got places to be, Small Fry,"says Criminal X. He asks the kid to show him his wares. Li'l Flash says he's got some great stuff, real top-of-the-line. Do you watch QVC? Even better than that!
Li'l Flash goes to a very well-lit small table and tosses away the car rim that was sitting on it. Li'l Flash takes his backpack and dumps its contents onto the table. There's jewelry, watches, wallets and...is that a gold tooth? Criminal X sighs that the kid's been busy. Li'l Flash says, a little too seriously, that they say things about idle hands and empty pockets. Is what they say dirty? Criminal X isn't too impressed. He offers the kid $200 for the lot. Li'l Flash says his stuff is worth ten times that. Criminal X says he doesn't handle this nickel-'n-dime crap anymore. Except today. Today is All Alms Day in the criminal world -- the day when grizzled old thugs help the generation of scum become hoods. Criminal X tells the kid to call him when he makes a real score. Until then? He throws the $200 on the table. Dude, he didn't even put down two $100 bills. It's like $100 and five $20s. Insult! Li'l Flash picks up the bills and uses them to point to the goods: "Maybe, I should just take them all," he says. Criminal X looks to his henchman and asks if that's a threat. In the background, Criminal XY starts to take out his gun. We cut to a loud bang. The cat from earlier meows and runs off. Criminal XY is distracted, pointing his gun toward the sound. It was a car bumper falling over. We hear a familiar Whoosh! And when the criminals turn back around, Li'l Flash, the cash, and all the goods are gone. Ha! You guys got bopped.
Metropolis. An outside urban sign reads, "Metropolis Day Clinic." The only two men walking around in plaid flannel shirts in the city come out of the building. It's Bo Duke and Clark Kent. Now I can understand why Bo's shirt is untucked -- they probably just diddled his bottom. But why's Clark looking like Slob in the City? People are walking past thinking, "It's time travelers...from 1990s Seattle!" Bo bellows that his doctor just gave him a new prescription -- they're red pills, which he says will go well with his green, pink, and blue ones. A skateboarder rides past the father and son. Bo doesn't yell at him or throw his pills or anything. Rebecca says, "He's been prescribed Skittles!" Clark says it's better to have more colors in the medicine cabinet than not have Bo around. Is it? Is it really, Clark? What would the Fab Five say? Bo says he doesn't want MamaKent to worry about him. Clark brings up what Jor-El did to Bo. Bo says he'd go through it again in a heartbeat (ooh, bad choice of words) if it meant keeping Clark safe. Bo pulls out some tickets from his pocket. "Don't you and I have a game to catch?" he asks. "Cowboys, Sharks, 50-yard line," Clark says, "Lex really came through this time." Through your hymen? Bo says he knows how much this friendship means to Clark. The groping, the sweating, the cows watching like it's a nasty Prince video. But he warns Clark to be careful: Lex investigated him, after all. Clark says he's not going into this with his eyes closed. That's what the red silk blindfold is for. Is it a coincidence that they're walking past a flower stand as they talk about Lex? Clark says that Lex wants another chance to prove his friendship. Bo starts to say something, but Clark interrupts and stands in front of him. Clark says it's senior year. For twenty-six-year-olds. Clark says he doesn't want to have to worry about Lex or Jor-El or "any of that." He just wants to be normal, hang out with his friends and play football. Play videogames, tip some cows, and masturbate a whole lot. Oh, and college applications, maybe? Scholarships? No? All right, just checking. Bo hands Clark some keys and tells him to go get the truck. Bo waits at the most pitifully-stocked newsstand in all of Metropolis to read a magazine.
We cut to a mean-looking truck with an intense front grill barreling down the street. The driver -- who's wearing the third flannel shirt in the city -- is falling asleep at the wheel. He suddenly jerks in the driver's seat and swerves. The truck careens toward the curb. Cut to someone in jeans and red-striped sneakers flashing into the scene. We see Li'l Flash in the driver's side-view mirror as a bunch of PVC pipes fall off the back of the truck's trailer. The camera does a quick zoom to Bo's face, then another quick zoom in the middle of the street to Li'l Flash, who's wearing a rakish smile. Then we go behind and over Li'l Flash's shoulder as everything goes slow-motion Bullet Time. The camera whips past the truck and toward the skateboarder, who's in the middle of performing a kick-flip. He's wearing a helmet, too. Wuss! As everything else seems still, we see Clark turn around. He gets in motion and runs toward Bo. Li'l Flash and Clark both run toward Bo, but Li'l Flash gets there first, pulling Bo away from the magazine stand and out of the way of the truck. The truck crashes into the stand as things return to normal speed. Clark comes over to help Bo up on the street. He asks if Bo is all right. Bo, breathing hard, looks around. He says that MamaKent would be visiting him in the hospital again if Clark hadn't pulled him out of the way. Li'l Flash is my savoir! Clark says intensely that it wasn't him who saved Bo. "I saw someone who can move like I can," Clark says. Charo? Clark says, "I couldn't believe it. He saved you." And, cue the opening credits. "Somebody saaaaaaved Bo! And it wasn't Clark!" Wait, too soon. Bo reaches to his ass and notices that his wallet is missing. The camera pulls back a bit. Now cue the music.
Lair of Lex. A crate sits in his office with a label on the side: "OPAFBUT." Of the butt? Up the butt? Lex opens the crate with a silver crowbar. It's full of hay. It's his farmboy RealDoll! Also, there's an ornately-framed parchment in Middle Ages script. It's the first page from the book in Shrek. Lex smiles. "But where are the dildos I ordered?" he asks himself.
Flyover in Metropolis. Clark opens an apartment door. He sees a chain lock. He does a tiny karate chop on it and breaks the chain in half. Clark sneaks in. He's a sneaky man! Rock music is playing. A bathroom door is slightly ajar and there's steam in there that's moving so fast that it must be Li'l Flash taking a super-quick shower. Clark looks around. He sees junk food and clothes all over the place. There's a comic book lying open on a coffee table. Clark finds a backpack with a yellow lightning bolt on the front. He grabs it and dumps out the contents. More watches, jewelry, and treasure. Clark finds several fake IDs from different states for Li'l Flash. "Dude!" Li'l Flash says. He's out of the shower and already in a terrycloth robe. Surprised music plays. "You lost?" Li'l Flash asks. He does the tough-guy "Well you must be lost because this is my room" dialogue. Clark says it's technically Bo Duke's room because Li'l Flash used the Kent credit card to pay for the room. Li'l Flash lies that he didn't take anything. Clark says he had a friend (Chloe the criminal?) trace all the charges. Li'l Flash laughs as he notices that Clark went through his backpack. Clark accuses him of high thievery. Li'l Flash zips across the room. When he gets there, he's in street clothes. Clark somehow didn't slow down time and see this. "Prove it," Li'l Flash challenges. Clark walks over. He says he saw Li'l Flash save Bo that morning. "Man, nobody sees me when I'm doing my thing," the speedy one says. Clark recites some names from fake IDs. "It's Bart," says Bart Flash. Flash says he'll be a thousand miles away before Clark can even blink. "I don't know. I can blink pretty fast," Clark says. And he's got the pretty eyelashes to prove it. Clark says he's going to get his dad's wallet, then they'll sit and talk. We hear the whoosh as Li'l Flash zips across the room, grabbing his fake IDs as he goes. He tells Clark, "Smell ya later." He's totally Bart Simpson! Li'l Flash zips out. Clark zips after him. We pan to the window where we can see two blurs running down the street and around the corner.
Cut to a field with a backdrop of Metropolis/Vancouver buildings. The blurs slow down enough for us to see Clark reach out and try to grab Li'l Flash. Flash leaps and lands on some water. Clark watches in horror as Li'l Flash runs across the surface of it. He disappears on the other side of the town lake. Clark doesn't follow.
Kent Farm. Clark zips to the kitchen. I gotta have my Corn Pops! Clark tells Bo, without looking around, that he lost the kid when he ran across the water near the docks. Bo looks over his shoulder. "Uh. Son," Bo says and motions to the kitchen. Li'l Flash is sitting there drinking Clark's fucking orange juice. Dude! "Hi, Clark," Li'l Flash says, in his red hoodie. "What took you so long?" Ha! I like this kid. Clark looks at Li'l Flash like every put-upon parent on TV.
The Mountin'. Is that show still on the air? Jesus. Hey, did you guys know that Van McNulty is on Desperate Housewives? Just sayin'.
Kent Farm, again. As they enter the barn, Li'l Flash is marveling that someone else can move like he does. Still, he thinks he's the fastest man alive. Try fastest pubescent boy. "Yeah," Li'l Flash says, agreeing with himself as he gives Clark an Elaine Benes shove in the back. "You were right on my butt, man!" Li'l Flash says. He seems a little young for that, so the less said here on the subject, the better. Flash keeps blabbing that he always wondered if there was someone else out there like him, and it turns out to be Jimmy Crack Corn, fresh from the farm. I'd say you're the fresh one, you little fast-talker, you. Clark asks how Li'l Flash conned Bo Duke out of a free meal and a place to stay. Li'l Flash says he just told Bo the truth: a few years ago, there was an accident and a huge flash of lightning. He says his body went into overdrive. Clark starts thinking about Lex. Clark asks if that happened in Smallville. Flash says it didn't; this is his first time here, and he hopes it's his last. We'll just see about those ratings, kid.
Clark gulps and walks upstairs. He says on his way that he's never known of anyone not from town with those kinds of powers. Li'l Flash advises Clark to get out more. Li'l Flash asks about Clark's powers. Clark says he was kind of born this way. Yeah, George W. It's biological! Superpowers, too, I guess. Clark asks why he lives on the streets and what happened to his parents. Li'l Flash has a rare moment to be somber and says that when he became a human lightning bolt, his parents started looking at him differently, even though they pretended things would be all right. That's his explanation? Clark asks if he ran away. Li'l Flash says he just never fit in. Clark says he ran away once, too. Li'l Flash teases Clark about why he might have come back. "Mowing the lawn, milking the cows?" Close: mowing down kyrptofreaks and milking the Lex. Flash says that Clark should be out with him, tearing it up. He's little Leo DiCaprio! Clark asks if that means stealing. Li'l Flash says he just takes a little bling from the stiff upper crust. Let me get my Urban Slang book out. Oh. Hmm. I see. It means, "Let's go to a gay bar, my new gay friend." You know what? It's not the Urban Slang book at all. I accidentally pulled out my copy of Omar's Big Book of Smallville Gay Interpretations. Perhaps I'm reading too much into this book.
Li'l Flash says he's what you'd call a "Have-Not." And he steals from the "Haves." Oh, he's like that Antonio Banderas cat in Shrek 2. He even has the same color hair. "Like my dad?" Clark asks. Your dad is a computer-animated cat? Li'l Flash says not to sweat it: they don't charge you if your card is stolen. Could someone around here steal my credit card and buy me a new laptop? That would rule. "Oh, that makes it all right," Clark says, moralistically. Weren't you raiding ATMs last year? Li'l Flash tells the sob story of how the bad criminals in the slums shortchanged him so he had to steal a wallet to get a room and avoid sleeping out on the street. Didn't you get $200? That wouldn't cover a room? In Kansas? Li'l Flash says ominously that "stuff" happens on the street. Street stuff! He says that when he's asleep, he's as slow as everyone else. Clark looks at him sympathetically. Li'l Flash tells Clark not to look at him with the cow eyes, and says he can take care of himself. Clark -- employing his weakest superpower, sarcasm -- says that Li'l Flash is doing a great job with that. Li'l Flash scoffs that they should take a closer look at the mysterious Clark Kent. Flash whips around the room at superspeed and brings back a bunch of clues to Clark's life. A book on Native-American mythology. Notebooks with the name "LANA" scrawled on them. Oh, jeez. Rebecca, with the unknowing accuracy of someone who doesn't watch the show regularly, calls her "Lame-a." Li'l Flash says Clark engages in one of the most boring hobbies known to man: rock collecting. Clark says, "I don't collect rocks." Just then, Li'l Flash busts out with the Kryptonite. Clark gasps and falls. "Dude. Are you okay?" Flash asks. Clark tells him to put the rock away: "I'm allergic." Dude, that Kryptonite has a kickin' soundtrack. How does it get speakers into that little rock? Bose must make it. Li'l Flash, unfazed by the Kryptonite display, says he's heard of people being allergic to cats and dogs, but not little green rocks. "It's a long story," Clark says bitterly. We've got about 4,000 words to go. Let's hear it. Li'l Flash says they can talk more when they get back. "From where?" Clark asks. Flash says they're two "super-powered studs" (Mercy!), and they can go wherever they want. He wants to go crank it up. Have fun. Cranking it. Clark cracks a tiny smile. "You ever seen Florida?" Li'l Flash asks. He zips away. Clark smiles some more, shakes his head, and superzips after him.
The Talon. The marquee outside reads, "Grand Re-Opening." I know I used to complain about the cheesy banners, billboards, and marquees, but the lack of imagination this season is simply stunning. Inside, frothy beverages are being served at the counter. Li'l Flash and Clark walk in. Flash says that a girl in a black bikini was "totally checking out" Clark. Clark says she wasn't. Flash says she was eyeing Clark like he was a snow cone. What the hell time of year is it, anyway? Girls are on the beach in Florida, but in Kansas, Jason needs a fireplace going in his dorm for warmth. Clark says you can't just go up to a girl on the beach and get a phone number. Apparently Clark has never had access to MTV. Li'l Flash pulls out a phone number and hands it to Clark. "Lucky for you...I can," he says. Boy, he's fast. With the ladies, too. Clark looks at the little phone number Post-It (with fishies on it). The girl had said for Clark to call her time he's in Miami. Clark shushes Flash and says he can't just go down and run to Miami. "Why not?" Li'l Flash asks. "It's too much fun, Clark?" Clark wouldn't know fun if it bungee-jumped in front of him and threw up on his shoes. Li'l Flash says that nobody's ever died from it. Don't people die from going down to Florida and binge drinking every year? Flash zips around Clark, I guess to prove a point. Clark asks what he's doing. "I'm eating a cookie, dude. I'm starving." He is indeed noshing on a baked good. Clark takes the half-eaten cookie and puts it on the counter. He says that Flash can't just take what he wants. Clark's mom works here. Flash points out that there's a line for cookies. He doesn't do lines. Not even cocaine?
Chloe shows up wearing what looks like a very becoming hemp top and straightened hair. Also, she looks like she got a tan. What Bahamas vacation did she just come back from? She tells Clark she figured he'd still be playing detective in Metropolis. Clark says he decided to leave it up to the authorities. "Never would have caught him anyway," Li'l Flash adds helpfully. Clark introduces Flash. Flash says he's from the future. "I ran all the way back in time to tell you we're still in love a hundred years from now," he tells Chloe. Chloe laughs heartily. Clark, the super-buzzkill, says, "Bart" like you would to a pooping puppy. Li'l Flash asks Chloe to name her favorite flower. Tulips. WHOOSH! An orange tulip is given to Chloe. Flash says it's magic and asks if Chloe would like to see some more. He's got a wand in his pants, for instance. MamaKent tries to get Clark's attention. Clark gets between Chloe and Li'l Flash and tells the kid to knock it off. Clark stashes his Miami digits in his shirt pocket and goes to his mom. She asks what the little robber is doing there. "I think he's lonely. Wants to be my friend," says Clark. Awww. MamaKent hopes Clark can talk some sense to the boy. She also passes along a message from Lex: "Lex is looking for you, sweetheart." I'm not convinced there was supposed to be a comma there. Clark wonders if he should leave Li'l Flash alone. Cut to Li'l Flash chatting up Chloe. MamaKent says she doesn't think the kid will notice that Clark is gone. Clark gets a kick out of seeing the kid work moves that he can only dream of.
Lair of Lex. The Shrek scroll has been encased in some neon-lit glass case. Ah yes, just the way kings of yore used to do. Lex is telling Clark he got the piece from a private collector in St. Petersburg after some vodka and a small fortune pried it out of the dude's hands. "It's very nice," Clark says, as if they were buying their first futon together. Lex asks Clark to take a closer look at the border design. Seriously, this is just like gay antiquing. Along the border of the scroll are symbols that Lex says are similar to the ones in the Caves of Contrivance. Lex says that no one's spent more time down there than Clark. We're still talking about the caves, right? Lex asks if Clark knows what the symbols mean. "No," says Clark a little too quickly. He says he thought Lex wasn't into this stuff anymore. Lex says he's interested, he's just not obsessed. Lex says he's not keeping this from Clark and he'd like it if "You and I could work on this mystery together." "I'd like that," Clark says, smiling. Mmm, Clark likey. Clark asks what he's looking at in the case. Lex says it's the last surviving page of a fourteenth-century manuscript. Some dude triumphed over some other dude at some battle in some country we've all forgotten about. Like Gaul or Sasquatchia or Luxembourg. Lex says that legend has it this was the only object lining Rasputin's walls as he studied at a monastery. This was before Pink Floyd posters. Clark does his X-ray vision on the piece. There seems to be a map embedded in the page. It's a map pointing directly to where you should lick on Lex's bald head. Lex says that Rasputin believed a hidden map in the page would lead to lots of power. Lex says that Rasputin stared at it for a long time, trying to unlock its secrets. Clark says that's amazing, and tries to touch it. Lex tells Clark not to; he's got some security installed to keep it safe. He's only displaying it in this very gaudy way for no real good reason before it goes to the vault at LuthorCorp. Lex's digital watch beeps. Would Lex really be wearing a watch with an alarm on it? That doesn't seem like a very sleek way of doing business. Shouldn't he be sporting a Blackberry with an "It's Rainin' Men!" ringtone? Lex says he has an appointment. He asks Clark to "swing by tomorrow." Get that dick swingin', Clark. "We'll roll up our sleeves," Lex says. I refuse to make commentary on things that are already so gay on the textual level when talking about any subtext would be so redundant. Clark takes the hint and starts to leave the room. Long close-up of the scroll.
Clark gets to wander the halls of Stately Luthor Manor by himself. As he's walking, we hear a familiar WHOOSH! Li'l Flash stands in front of Clark, marveling that his new friend knows Lex Luthor. "What are you doing here?" Clark asks. Li'l Flash says that Chloe shot him down. "But, you know, her loss," he says. He's Li'l Leisure Suit Larry! Flash is impressed with all of Lex's cool stuff. He even saw the room with the manuscript page, where he says he took a quick spin. Clark tells Li'l Flash that he needs to get out of there. Lex comes out into the hall, apparently breaking up whatever important business he had, and asks whom Clark is talking to. Clark does a big dumb double take, looking around the room and not making a decent excuse. Lex is like, "Well?" Clark says nothing. He just makes a goofy face.
Clark comes home. Bo bellows from the living room that MamaKent is going to be home late again, so he thought they'd have a Guys' Night In. This is so sad. Bo's all pumped up about it, too, planning to have them catch highlights from the game they missed. Does Bo even know how to open a bag of potato chips? Clark gets all serious. He says he saw a manuscript with Kryptonian symbols on it. And according to the symbols, the Sharks will win. Way to ruin the game, jackass! Bo asks if Clark was able to read the page. Clark says it was a message written over and over, "Look deeper." "Are you sure it wasn't 'Go deep'? As in the game we're supposed to fucking watching right now?" Bo thinks. Clark tells Bo about the map hidden underneath. Clark says he thinks it has something to do with Jor-El. Bo, still trying to keep his late-afternoon beer buzz, tells Clark that he shouldn't worry about it. Clark is undeterred. Bo says that Clark wants to have a normal senior year. How does globetrotting on an alien mission fit in with that? I'll tell you how: it doesn't. Clark says that hanging out with his new friend made him realize he's not normal. And dammit, the girls in Miami love him! Bo puts his hands on Clark's shoulders and says that Clark is a seventeen-year-old boy. Seventeen? Ha! Clark ignores all that shit and says that whatever that map points to is probably powerful and dangerous. Clark worries it'll fall into the wrong hands. Bo asks if he's going to steal the manuscript. Clark says that Lex has no idea what he has. Clark wants to sneak back in and get a better look at it. Bo says it's a bad idea. Clark says, "I'll be in and out before he even knows I'm there." Textual!
The Barnness of Big Brother-tude. Clark tears a blank sheet of paper out of a notebook. Whooshy Li'l Flash materializes: "Dude! Lex's place was sweet!" Li'l Flash comments that the guy has tons of cars and cool stuff. He says there's no way you can get that rich playing it straight. Preach it. Lex has never really played it straight. Li'l Flash promises to step it up a notch, because that's how he wants to live. Large. And in charge. Clark says that he has to go take care of something. Flash asks if he can come. Clark says that it's personal, but that they can hang out later. Flash suggests a midnight showing of Speed at Mann's Chinese, where they have the best popcorn. Clark says that's cool, but not to mention it to Bo Duke. Flash stops Clark for a second. He says, sincerely, that it's been cool hanging out with Clark. This kid obviously doesn't know cool from culo. He says he got Clark something to thank him for everything. It's an MP3 player. He says that Clark can download tunes and listen to them wherever they go. It's not exactly a great travel gift when you can get anywhere in three seconds and the player can't speed up that fast. Clark smiles, then asks where Li'l Flash got it. I wonder if it runs on Li'l Flash Memory. Flash says it doesn't matter. Clark says it does; he asks if the kid has listened to a word he's said. Flash rants that Clark treats his abilities like a curse: "They're a gift! I'm gonna use them!" Clark says he should, but to help people, not hurt them. Li'l Flash asks whom he's hurting. The stores? Insurance companies? This kid's starting to make a lot of sense. Clark lectures: "That doesn't make it right." Li'l Flash starts to leave. Clark bullies him, asking if he's just going to run away from his problems again. Isn't that Clark's usual plan? Li'l Flash says he's running toward something, and that he's going to get everything he wants. He says he thought he was similar to Clark, but it turns out they're nothing alike. He zips away, leaving a red and yellow streak. That probably could have gone better, Clark.
Lex's manuscript room. Clark zips onto the scene. He bends over, as if awaiting someone, and leans down to read the map. As he does so, very slowly and in full view of security cameras, an orange streak enters the room, zips in front of Clark, and steals the page. Alarms and flashing lights go off. The camera spins around the room. "Bart," Clark grumbles. Lex, fully clothed, and a security guard with a gun come in. Lex asks what the hell Clark is doing there. Clark doesn't answer. Kick his ass, Lex! Make him pay you back in vodka!
Commercials. Hey, that promo with Tom Welling and the stubble? Not bad, WB.
Back at Lex's. Lex shuts the doors on his exiting security guards. I miss the houseboy in the Kato duds. Clark is still standing by the case where the page was stolen. I know Flash is fast, but how did he get into that seemingly airtight contraption? Lex asks if Clark wants to explain what happened. "I just came by to say hello," Clark answers. Lies, lies, lies! Why, Clark!? Why must you be such an ass? Clark says that the thing he knew, all these alarms were going off. Ooh, good alibi, Clark. Lex says that it's a little late for a social call. Clark is like, "Uh, yeah, um, I should have called." This would be even lamer if Lex didn't show up at the Kent farm at all hours hovering in doorways and in barns all the time. Clark says he figured Lex would "be up." Lord have mercy, you're trying to kill me, aren't you, Smallville? It's feast or famine with the gay on this show, isn't it? Lex asks if Clark saw anyone else when he came in. "No, I, uh, didn't see anyone," Clark says. Worst Liar Ever. Lex says he believes Clark. No, he doesn't! Both of you! Go to time-out for lying. Lex, twisting the knife, says, "I know a real friend would never lie to me." He gives Clark a long look. Clark flinches. As Clark is leaving, Lex fills him in on a little secret: "I'm not that worried." He says he knows all the fencers in Metropolis, and if he puts the word out, he'll get info on the thief: "Don't worry, Clark. Our thief is gonna learn that there's nowhere on Earth he can run from Lex Luthor." So this is as evil as Lex has gotten after three seasons? Referring to himself in the third person?
Talon at night. MamaKent, scribbling in a ledger, is telling Bo Duke on the phone that she can't do something with him. "Because I still have all this work to do!" she whines. She says she'll be home when she can. The place is empty and she's working without much light. Lana enters, probably home from her college nookiefest. MamaKent unloads immediately, saying that the work around here never stops. MamaKent marvels at how Lana did all this and went to school, too. Psst, MamaKent: she wasn't really going to school. Lana says it wasn't easy. She says she doesn't remember staying so late every night, though. MamaKent says it's easier doing things there than at home. Lana sits down and asks if something's wrong. MamaKent says that she didn't take the job just to help their finances. "I love him so much," MamaKent begins, but adds that with all Bo's health problems, the only time she doesn't worry about him is when she's at The Talon. Lana points out to an exhausted MamaKent that if she does that, she won't see her husband anyway. MamaKent squints at Lana. "Isn't that like you lost him already?" says Miss Sensitive. MamaKent smiles. She says that a summer in Paris has given Lana some real insight. Oh, bullshit. "Thank you for reminding me," MamaKent tells Lana. She says that Lana remind her that it's easier to deal with your fears if you share them with someone you love. I can't tell if she means she loves Bo or Lana. Lana doesn't seem sure either.
Metropolis slums. Criminal X is talking on the phone to someone, telling him or her that he can handle whatever they're talking about in whatever manner they'd like. And it's his pleasure. Such a gentlemanly businessman! Criminal X leaves his little wire-cage office and greets Li'l Flash, who's been waiting for him impatiently. Criminal X suggests that someday Flash may grown and learn how men do business. With a heavy criminal accent. Flash takes the rolled-up scroll from his backpack. "Is this grown-up enough for you?" he asks. Yeah, taking the stolen goods out of our backpack is super-grown-up. "It's a start," Criminal X says.
Just then, an expensive-looking SUV (an Escalade?) pulls up near the entrance. Li'l Flash turns, and Criminal XY, the thuggier of the two, cracks Li'l Flash across the back of the neck. Li'l Flash falls. Emerging from the plastic-curtain entrance is Lex Luthor in a snazzy suit. Criminal X tells Lex he's got the page back for him. Lex walks over to where Li'l Flash is lying and asks if this is the "dangerous criminal" he was warned about. Criminal X wants to talk finder's fee. Lex turns on him and says that Flash is just a kid. He wants them to let Flash go. Criminal X says that Lex has no idea what that freak is capable of. Lex says that the guy should be more worried about the police. Lex already called them. Lex says that in five minutes, the place will be swarming with cops. Why did Lex even do that when they just helped him at his own request? Criminal X tells Criminal XY to take care of Lex. He raises a gun, but Lex is quicker, punching and head-butting the guy and then kneeing him in the groin. The gun goes across the floor. Criminal X, not one to be one-upped, goes at Lex with a punch from behind. Lex collapses. Criminal X, angry, kicks Li'l Flash in the shoe. Nice one, dude. "Look at the mess you made!" he yells. Flash is now awake. Criminal X pulls a gun on the fastest kid in the world, which doesn't seem like too smart a move. "Let's see if you're faster than a speeding bullet," says Criminal X. I thought we had established that he is. The camera whooshes around as Clark Kent superzips in, gets the gun and tosses it away. Clark grabs Criminal X by the lapels and throws him through the ceiling. Dude flies out of the building and through the roof of a parked RV. For some reason, steam blows out of a window of the RV. Were they steaming come carrots in there or something? Criminal XY starts to get up. "You don't want to be here!" Clark yells at him roughly. Lex is still down. "You still think what you do doesn't hurt anyone?" Clark asks Li'l Flash. Clark goes over to his homie Lex and checks his pulse. Mouth-to-mouth, Clark! Mouth-to-mouth! Li'l Flash gets up and says he's sorry to Clark. He holds out the small lead box, now open and with the Kryptonite inside. "This doesn't change anything," Flash says, making Clark writhe on the floor. He takes the scroll and places the box to Clark. Clark tells the kid he's not a murderer. "You don't know who I am!" Li'l Flash yells back. Clark tells him he saw the kid save his dad. He's seen the good in Li'l Flash. He says that Li'l Flash has to stop running or he'll always be alone. Clark says that, deep down, they're the same. Li'l Flash thinks about it. He turns. "I wish that was [sic] true, Clark," he says. He goes back to Clark and closes the lead box. Then he speeds out of there. Commercials.
The movie Birth. What in the hell is this? It sure looks like Rosemary's Baby, though, doesn't it?
Kent Farm, presumably the day. The windmill is a-spinnin', and Bo Duke is climbing down from where he just made some repairs. I thought windmills were pretty self-sustaining. Do they require lubrication? Batteries? A kick start? Bo is asking Clark whether he knows what happened to Li'l Flash. Clark says he stayed with Lex until the police arrived, and by then the kid could have been halfway around the world. Bo tells that Clark maybe it's for the best; some people can't change. Clark says that Li'l Flash is a good kid. Bo says that embracing your abilities and flaunting them are two different things. Clark says that sometimes he wishes he were more like Bart. You know, writing on the chalkboard at the beginning of every episode, telling people (especially Lex) to eat his shorts. Clark says that hiding his abilities is making him feel like two separate people. Bo tells Clark that he'd be surprised by how many "normal" people feel that way. Like the Mad Cow Fucker What Fucks Cows at Night. We'll never know what that guy is or why he keeps attacking the Kent Farm. It's almost as if...he's already intimately familiar with these particular cows. Bo says that everybody has secrets; Clark's are just bigger than most. Bo asks if Clark wants to take the truck to check in on Lex. "Naw...I kinda want to stretch my legs," Clark says. Clark flash-runs away.
Just then, a car pulls up. It's MamaKent in her sensible sedan. MamaKent, in a very nice jacket and skirt, tells Bo Duke that one of the advantages to being the boss is that she can take time off whenever she wants. She promoted one of her workers to assistant manager and let her take over. Man, I wish that were true about taking time off. ["Yeah, me too." -- Wing Chun] MamaKent says that she can even take a while off to spend time with a ruggedly handsome farmer. Bo says she's lucky, because there's one sweating in her driveway right now. Sweating? Dude! Way to ruin your chances of scoring. MamaKent looks past this sexual gaffe and says that maybe they should get a bucket of soap and the hose. Dirty! Bo holds MamaKent's head in her hands and tells her he's really missed her. Bo and MamaKent kiss. The camera lingers and sweet music plays as MamaKent finally looks like she's not so stressed out anymore.
Caves of Contrivance. Lana and Jason are exploring. Jason calls the caves "amazing." Four stars! Better than Cats! Lana says that when Clark first found them (bringing up an ex-boyfriend! Bad!), she didn't know why he was obsessed with them. She says she always thought Clark was keeping secrets from her because he was afraid of her reaction. Lana says she doesn't want to live like that. Jason tells her she doesn't have to be afraid. Lana tells Jason what happened when he left her alone at the museum in Paris. He asks how it's possible that the marks on the cave walls are the same as those from the Countess. Lana says she doesn't know. She doesn't remember anything that happened until she woke up the day. She shows him the tattoo again and says she woke up with that, too. Jason stares at the tattoo. He asks for clarification one more time: he doesn't really believe it. "That's why you left Paris," he surmises. Lana says she had to come back and find out why she's missing twelve hours of her life. She says that all she found are more questions. Like, "Why am I still on this show?" Lana points to a symbol behind Jason. It's on the wall, the same as on her back. He flashes a light on it. He asks what it means. Lana doesn't know: "Jason, I don't know what's happening to me." Jason comforts Lana and says they'll figure it out together. They hug. Jason keeps watching the cave wall as if it's going to strike at them.
Stately Luthor Manor. Mmm, Lex has a new Alienware laptop. Sweet. Clark walks right in to Lex's office. Lex says it's good to see Clark keeping normal hours. Clark says he heard Lex ran into trouble in Metropolis. "News travels fast," says Lex. "Curse of a small town," Clark counters, smiling. Clark asks what happened. Lex says, "I decided to play cowboy and got my spurs handed to me." Yee-haw! They don't even talk like this here in Texas. Lex, who has a gash and bruise near his left eye, says he's surprised he's not dead. Clark says that someone must be watching over Lex. "In more ways than one," Lex says. Huh? Clark notices the manuscript page sitting back in its safe spot inside the glass case. Clark asks how Lex got it back. "I didn't," says Lex. He tells Clark that the page was sitting back on his desk when he returned home from the hospital. Lex says that whoever took it must have had a change of heart. "I guess he did," Clark says with a degree of stupidity that is surprising, even for Clark. Lex says they'll have time to study it later. Lex says he has a headache. Clark lies that he's just glad Lex is feeling better. He uses X-ray vision to take a look at the map before leaving. As Clark is walking out, Lex stops him to say that he had a team of experts examine the page: "Do you know what they discovered?" Clark waits in suspense. "That I paid too much for it," Lex says, breaking the tension. Clark lets out a breath. Lex thanks Clark for checking in. Clark leaves. Lex pushes a key on his laptop and the images on his computer of the page changes to an image of the map hiding within it. Lex smiles.
Kent Farm. Clark is sketching a rough approximation of the manuscript map on a drawing pad. We hear the WHOOSH! Li'l Flash appears behind Clark. "Dude, your drawing sucks," he says. "Stick to the hero thing." Clark asks if that's like returning a priceless artifact to its owner. Well, the hero's not usually the one who stole it in the first place, at least not in the DC universe. Li'l Flash shrugs that carrying all that money would've just slowed him down anyway. Flash asks how Clark caught up with him. He asks if Clark is fast, strong, and psychic. "I wish," says Clark. Oh, what, you don't have enough superpowers? Jackass. Clark says he spent a night in Suicide Slums trying to find someone to buy what he claimed were a thousand stolen MP3 players like the one Flash gave him. He was pointed in the direction of Criminal X. Flash is proud of Clark's investigative skills. Clark bobs his head around happily. Clark asks what's for Li'l Flash. Flash says it's a big world. He's going to see if there's anyone else out there like them, maybe start a club or a league or something. He suggest Clark come with him. "Or you could stay," Clark says. Flash says that Clark has a great life here, but it's not Flash's; Flash has no reason to stay. "You have me," says Clark. Awww. Big brother! "Thanks for being my friend," says Li'l Flash. Clark asks if he's sure there's not anything Clark can do to change his mind. Li'l Flash smiles. "Tell you what. If you can catch me, I'll think about it." Flash takes off. Clark superzips after him. They zoom down the road, apparently on the day when nobody in Smallville is driving anywhere. Everything goes to slow motion as the world blurs behind them. Flash turns and runs backward, still keeping ahead of Clark. Clark, giddy, flashes the Gayest Look of the Episode. Li'l Flash tips an imaginary hat, turns the right way, and zips away so fast it makes Clark stop in his tracks and look ahead in wonder. Clark smiles broadly and shakes his head. The strummy music takes us to closing credits.