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Previously on Smallville: Oh yeah, they don't really do that around here much, do they?
Ooh, boppin' soundtrack, y'all. Do the kids still say "boppin'" these days? When I was young, we'd say, "Man, that outfit you got on is boppin', girl! Let's get to some boppin'!" No? Well, you kids don't know what you missed. I think this song is by The Roots. Right on, Smallville. Right on. We know we're in Metropolis because everything is blue and gray instead of orange and yellow. The camera pans into an uninviting-looking car wash/hoodlum hide-out. Or at least I thought it was a car wash. Maybe it's just an auto garage. A cat shrieks and runs by. A Mercedes-Benz is sitting in this industrial space, while two guys who look like stock criminals stand around. The one in the long coat with Richard Grieco's old stubble says, "I'm not waitin' around for some damn kid. He's late." We hear a whooshing sound. "Your watch is fast," a boy's voice says, suddenly appearing behind Criminal X. The kid cockily says that he's never late. If he says he's going to be there, he'll be there. Like a flash! Boppin'! ["I wish more young people (and old people, for that matter) were that conscientious about lateness." -- Wing Chun] Li'l Flash admires the expensive car and asks if that's real leather interior. "I got places to be, Small Fry,"says Criminal X. He asks the kid to show him his wares. Li'l Flash says he's got some great stuff, real top-of-the-line. Do you watch QVC? Even better than that!
Li'l Flash goes to a very well-lit small table and tosses away the car rim that was sitting on it. Li'l Flash takes his backpack and dumps its contents onto the table. There's jewelry, watches, wallets and...is that a gold tooth? Criminal X sighs that the kid's been busy. Li'l Flash says, a little too seriously, that they say things about idle hands and empty pockets. Is what they say dirty? Criminal X isn't too impressed. He offers the kid $200 for the lot. Li'l Flash says his stuff is worth ten times that. Criminal X says he doesn't handle this nickel-'n-dime crap anymore. Except today. Today is All Alms Day in the criminal world -- the day when grizzled old thugs help the generation of scum become hoods. Criminal X tells the kid to call him when he makes a real score. Until then? He throws the $200 on the table. Dude, he didn't even put down two $100 bills. It's like $100 and five $20s. Insult! Li'l Flash picks up the bills and uses them to point to the goods: "Maybe, I should just take them all," he says. Criminal X looks to his henchman and asks if that's a threat. In the background, Criminal XY starts to take out his gun. We cut to a loud bang. The cat from earlier meows and runs off. Criminal XY is distracted, pointing his gun toward the sound. It was a car bumper falling over. We hear a familiar Whoosh! And when the criminals turn back around, Li'l Flash, the cash, and all the goods are gone. Ha! You guys got bopped.
Metropolis. An outside urban sign reads, "Metropolis Day Clinic." The only two men walking around in plaid flannel shirts in the city come out of the building. It's Bo Duke and Clark Kent. Now I can understand why Bo's shirt is untucked -- they probably just diddled his bottom. But why's Clark looking like Slob in the City? People are walking past thinking, "It's time travelers...from 1990s Seattle!" Bo bellows that his doctor just gave him a new prescription -- they're red pills, which he says will go well with his green, pink, and blue ones. A skateboarder rides past the father and son. Bo doesn't yell at him or throw his pills or anything. Rebecca says, "He's been prescribed Skittles!" Clark says it's better to have more colors in the medicine cabinet than not have Bo around. Is it? Is it really, Clark? What would the Fab Five say? Bo says he doesn't want MamaKent to worry about him. Clark brings up what Jor-El did to Bo. Bo says he'd go through it again in a heartbeat (ooh, bad choice of words) if it meant keeping Clark safe. Bo pulls out some tickets from his pocket. "Don't you and I have a game to catch?" he asks. "Cowboys, Sharks, 50-yard line," Clark says, "Lex really came through this time." Through your hymen? Bo says he knows how much this friendship means to Clark. The groping, the sweating, the cows watching like it's a nasty Prince video. But he warns Clark to be careful: Lex investigated him, after all. Clark says he's not going into this with his eyes closed. That's what the red silk blindfold is for. Is it a coincidence that they're walking past a flower stand as they talk about Lex? Clark says that Lex wants another chance to prove his friendship. Bo starts to say something, but Clark interrupts and stands in front of him. Clark says it's senior year. For twenty-six-year-olds. Clark says he doesn't want to have to worry about Lex or Jor-El or "any of that." He just wants to be normal, hang out with his friends and play football. Play videogames, tip some cows, and masturbate a whole lot. Oh, and college applications, maybe? Scholarships? No? All right, just checking. Bo hands Clark some keys and tells him to go get the truck. Bo waits at the most pitifully-stocked newsstand in all of Metropolis to read a magazine.
We cut to a mean-looking truck with an intense front grill barreling down the street. The driver -- who's wearing the third flannel shirt in the city -- is falling asleep at the wheel. He suddenly jerks in the driver's seat and swerves. The truck careens toward the curb. Cut to someone in jeans and red-striped sneakers flashing into the scene. We see Li'l Flash in the driver's side-view mirror as a bunch of PVC pipes fall off the back of the truck's trailer. The camera does a quick zoom to Bo's face, then another quick zoom in the middle of the street to Li'l Flash, who's wearing a rakish smile. Then we go behind and over Li'l Flash's shoulder as everything goes slow-motion Bullet Time. The camera whips past the truck and toward the skateboarder, who's in the middle of performing a kick-flip. He's wearing a helmet, too. Wuss! As everything else seems still, we see Clark turn around. He gets in motion and runs toward Bo. Li'l Flash and Clark both run toward Bo, but Li'l Flash gets there first, pulling Bo away from the magazine stand and out of the way of the truck. The truck crashes into the stand as things return to normal speed. Clark comes over to help Bo up on the street. He asks if Bo is all right. Bo, breathing hard, looks around. He says that MamaKent would be visiting him in the hospital again if Clark hadn't pulled him out of the way. Li'l Flash is my savoir! Clark says intensely that it wasn't him who saved Bo. "I saw someone who can move like I can," Clark says. Charo? Clark says, "I couldn't believe it. He saved you." And, cue the opening credits. "Somebody saaaaaaved Bo! And it wasn't Clark!" Wait, too soon. Bo reaches to his ass and notices that his wallet is missing. The camera pulls back a bit. Now cue the music.