Gay In The Water

S04E04

By Omar G

I think we're going to have a gay old time this week.

Before the show begins, we get a very tiny tribute to Christopher Reeve showing a small scene of him as Dr. Swann. Now I know a brother just died Sunday night and they only had three days to get it together but, damn! It's short. Like, short enough for you to say, "Hey, they're doing a tribute to Christo-- oh."

We begin at Smallville High football field. I have a feeling this location is going to become as familiar to us as the hospital has been in the last few seasons. The football team is doing a scrimmage, and the football has a big black Nike logo on it as the first shot of the episode. Not to harp on the Christopher Reeve thing, but the Nike logo gets almost as much screen time as he did. Blonde cheerleaders do their high-pitched squealing as a player hikes the ball. We get an Under the Ass view of the play. The quarterback steps back. A lineman on the yellow-shirted team runs right past him. The quarterback throws. And it's caught! Wheee! Something else besides football is going to happen soon, right? Ryan Seacrest-like luvahman Jason Teague calls out encouragement to his team, advising them, "Find your man." Take out a personal ad, visit out.com -- anything, people! Your nutsacks aren't getting any younger. One of the cheerleaders yells for her favorite, "Ken," to, like score or something.

Mopey Man About Town Clark Kent sits, watching. Jason comes over to Clark and asks how he's doing. "Just enjoying the view...from the bench," Clark says bitterly. Clark, you are a total bitch. First you want to be on the football team. Then you get on. Then you want Bo's approval. And you get it. Now you want to be Joe Superstar your first week on the team? Clark is the whiniest motherfucker on the planet. Dudes standing in grapes in Napa Valley are like, "Clark Kent? Now that's whine!" Jason gets down on one knee and talks to Clark the way you would an extremely immature four-year-old, explaining that Coach Quigley (Le Q.!) is old-school and already has his squad picked out for the year. He asks Clark to hang in there. Clark pouts some more. Perhaps Clark could entertain himself on the bench by playing with his massive vagina.

Two football players -- one shaven of head and the other blondish -- give each other some dap. "Nice catch, buddy!" Baldy says. Blondy says, "It's all about you and me, bro." Did you just...? Was that just...? Aw, never mind. The two of them bump chests. Huh. That seems a little. You know, spirited. Happy, almost. I know there must be a synonym for what this looks like. Maybe I'll think of it later. A blonde cheerleader comes up to Baldy and tries to give him some affection. He tells Mandy to get away from him and pushes her aside distractedly. That's weird. The guy pushes aside a clearly available and wanton girl because he's too busy having it be about him and his bro. How odd. The girl follows him, asking what they're doing Saturday night. Baldy Quarterback says "we" aren't doing anything. We're not? I'm disappointed. He says he's hanging out with Nate and the boys. You know who else used to hang out with all the boys? The Village People. But that's neither here nor there. Let's get back to the drama. Baldy says, annoyed, that he must have told Mandy that before. Cheerleader Girl says that's fine and she just wants to make him happy. She hands him his drink, which looks like glowing green Gatorade in a squeeze bottle. Several cheerleaders clumped together (A "Cheerleadeor" for a large clump, "Cheerleadeorites" for smaller ones) watch. Some of these cheerleaders are clearly strippers in real life. Baldy opens his mouth and puts the nozzle to it. That's it! I know what's going on! It's gay! Gay, gay, gay! Why didn't I see it when its throbby, veiny self was right up in my face? The gay is back! As if to prove the point, the camera shoots right into Baldy's mouth like, uh, a liquid shooting substance and goes right down his throat. Somehow his mouth is connected straight to his heart because we see it pumping. The heart beats faster. We zoom back the hell out of there and out through his eyeball. Baldy Quarterback is watching the blonde cheerleader and she's bathed in white light. She's a crappy Everclear video! Baldy blinks a bit. Like Clark, he's suddenly grown a vagina. Not that there's anything wrong with that. "You know what?" Baldy tells the cheerleader. "Screw the guys." It's not necessarily present tense, is it? Maybe he's just telling her his itinerary. "1 PM: Screw the guys. 2 PM Mop up. 3 PM: Cuddle and nap." Baldy suddenly has an interest in Mandy. He kisses her and tells her he wants to hang out with her on Saturday night. She asks why they should wait till Saturday when they can go shopping now. "You're on, baby," he tells her. He says he's going to hit the showers. As she walks, Mandy gives a thumbs-up to her cheerleading homie-ettes. They giggle.

As Baldy is leaving the field, Jason asks where he's going. "Yeah, I'm going shopping with Mandy," Baldy tells him, flutting his eyelashes like the clotheshorse he is. "You what?" Jason asks. Mandy says she'll wait in the car, and walks off. That must be one short shower he's planning. Jason watches the girl in amazement. "You checkin' out my girlfriend, buddy?" Baldy asks. Jason asks what he's talking about. Baldy just frowns at him. He walks off. Jason warns him that if he leaves, he's riding the bench Friday night. With Hector. "Yeah, bite me, dude," the sound guy loops in clumsily. I know Baldy's not saying that. Jason turns and tells Clark that a spot just opened up. He asks Clark to "hop in there. Got get 'em." Jason then tells Clark that he'll need "one of these." A football? Man, this game is hard! Clark excitedly runs toward the field, but is stopped by two oafs. They tell him not to get too comfortable, and that Baldy is the team's quarterback. Two guys in a row bump shoulders with Clark. Shouldn't his Shoulder of Steel knock them to the ground? The boys vow to "get him." In the ass?

Clark bends over slightly and reaches in to hike the ball. "Blue! 19!" Clark yells. In a hilarious bit, the guy with his ass, balls, and taint being tickled by Clark turns and says, "I'm not the center, you jerk." Ha! Clark moves over one spot to the right to hike the ball, legitimately this time. Loud speedy music plays as Clark leans back, spins and tosses a long pass. It sails nice and long, just the way Clark likes it, into the hands of a receiver, who scores. Jason looks impressed. Clark is lovin' it. A football career is born.

"Boy's Locker Room," a sign says. Just one boy? Man, this school district has tons of money. Jason is sitting on a bench with backlighting and dramatic steam behind him. You know that song "Sunglasses at Night"? This is the video for "Shoelaces at Mid-Afternoon." Loud Tony Hawk's Pro Skater-sounding music plays throughout, giving me a slight headache. A shotgun peeks around the corner and shoots. Lee Harvey, NO! Jason somehow notices the shotgun and dodges as it takes out a chunk of wall behind him. The shotgun fires again. Jason -- apparently reverting to his instincts honed back in 'Nam -- keeps dodging shotgun blasts. Obviously, this would-be assassin hasn't played Doom III yet. Jason dodges yet again and finally hits the floor. The gunman is Baldy Football Dude from before. Don't worry about knowing his real name. He won't be around much longer. Jason finally gets up and tries to talk to the lad. "Whoa, whoa!" he says, and suddenly there's reason in the air. Clark walks in, just to join the party. Baldy cocks his shotgun and tells his coach that it's too late for talking. He accuses the coach of flirting with his girl. In slow-motion CGI, we get a Jason's-eye view of the shotgun shells firing toward him. Clark superzips, trailing a cloud of CGI fart behind him, and pushes Jason out of the way. The shotgun shells bust up a mirror behind them. Glass sprays everywhere. Baldy cocks the shotgun again. Clark eyejaculates at the boy. In the locker room. With Clark and Jason on the floor. Dirty! The gun heats up in Baldy's hand and glows orange. He drops it. Somehow, burning his hands makes Baldy go unconscious. We get a close-up of Clark. Shouldn't he have a cigarette after that?

Opening credits. Commercials. Being a longtime fan of both U2 and iPods, the new Apple/U2 "Vertigo" commercial is about as good as commercial advertising gets for me. Jesus, just charge my credit card already, guys. You had me at Bono counting off in Spanish. If you were selling aged turds, I'd be trying to find a way to order them online.

The Talon at night. The American flag flies proudly. Town pride? Not so much. Lana, who is still boycotting pink, comes over to tend to her shirtless boyfriend, who got sprayed a bit by that falling glass. She's applying something on gauze, and he winces and says, "Ow, ow, ow" before she even touches him. He says he's practicing. Lana says that's good, because his cut is really deep. You mean the one time someone needs real medical attention, they decide to take him to Lana's loft? If you guys are just sparing me a hospital scene, I appreciate it, but damn. That cut looks nasty. Lana applies a tiny Band-Aid to a five-inch gash. She's Florence Retardingale. Jason, in the throes of pain, says that Clark moved really fast to save him. "I need to get him off the bench," Jason says. Billy Ocean runs in and sings, "...and into my car!" Everybody stops and just stares at Billy Ocean. Billy Ocean backs away slowly and leaves the room without another word, then gets on a plane to perform at a state fair in Wyoming. Jason says it shouldn't be hard to find a spot for Clark on the team. He asks Lana jokingly if they still expel students for taking a potshot at a coach. Lana frowns and says this isn't funny. If you're the one who has a deep cut on your shoulder, I think you're allowed to joke about it. Get used to this, Jason: a humorless vacuum of a relationship. Lana bitches that she had to find out about the shooting through Chloe. Lana says she wanted to scream but couldn't because she didn't want to draw attention about dating a school coach. Hey, at least you're not dating Michael York. Jason stands and puts on his shirt while he changes the subject to his piss-poor finances. He says he'd buy Lana's happiness with dinner and flowers, but his dad cut him off. He followed his heart instead of going to business school. Shouldn't Lana already know all this? Jason explains that he can't lose this job; he likes it, and it works with his college schedule. Jason apologizes that their relationship is under the radar. Lana kisses him. She says she's never been happier. She says it's frustrating not being able to share that. Jason advises her to take out her frustrations on him. She does so by kissing him again.

Smallville High School. The banner committee has officially disbanded. No pithy colors on the front of the school. Inside, Lois Lane -- looking a full ten years older than any other student around her -- is bitching to someone on her cell phone about this "podunk high." She's trying to contact the dean at Metropolis U. Lois is doing that thing that Murphy Brown used to do where she's yelling angrily at someone while smiling. It's not a winning combination. Clark, at his locker, stops Lois. He snarks that if she studied as much as she tried to get out of school, she'd be in college by now. Lois asks if he got that from the Farmer's Almanac. Clark smiles along, and then gets serious. What do you think of Clark's new letterman jacket, Lois? She says they're not really Clark's colors. Who really looks good in yellow and red? "They're the school's colors," Clark says defensively. She asks why he'd conform when he already owns the lame "farmboy/plaid thing." Hee. Clark deadpans that they should restrict their conversations to "hello and goodbye."

As Clark and Lois are walking, two stripper/cheerleaders are gossiping with two football players behind them, holding their purses and bookbags daintily. On the other side of the hall, two other players are holding clothes and books for two other cheerleaders. Lois gives them all dirty looks. Another cheerleader adjusts her lipstick as a jock holds up a makeup mirror for her. Lois asks if this is some sort of freakish feminist parallel universe. After last week, I'd say it's quite the opposite.

The offices of The Torch. Lois asks Chloe if she's seen what's going on with all the cheerleaders. Chloe says that there was also a school shooting she'd like to cover, and the only two reporters she has are late again. Chloe has a staff of two? One of whom wasn't even here a few weeks ago? How is this program being funded and given a whole room to itself (not to mention the cost of printing a newspaper) if it's only for three students? Gah! You make me so mad sometimes, Smallville! Lois says she was working on getting Metropolis U. to admit her. Clark tells Chloe he was picking up his new jacket. Chloe repeats the bit about their not being Clark's colors. "It's the school's colors," Clark says again, trying to turn it into a running joke the way Chandler might on Friends. It doesn't really work. Chloe tells Lois that the ex-quarterback has burns on his hand and has been apologizing all morning. Chloe asks Lois to work on that story. Lois makes a joke about the guy not worth repeating. Then her cell rings. It's the dean. Chloe rolls her eyes and says she guesses she'll go to the hospital to talk to the football player herself. Chloe asks Clark to talk to Jason about what happened for a story. "Nice save, by the way," Chloe tells Clark. Clark looks constipated, which must mean it's time for a confession. He tells Chloe that because of football, he'll have to cut down on time for The Torch. Chloe, hurt, says, "Oh." She says she's got her work cut out for her, then. Clark apologizes and starts to talk about priorities. Chloe stops him and says that he's the new starting quarterback. She makes it sound pretty exciting. Clark says that the other players don't seem to want him there. Chloe says the team members have been together for three years and Clark suddenly shows up and is starting. She asks what Clark expected, hugs and kisses? Clark has to seriously, seriously think about that for a long beat. It's not what I would have expected, but then this new gay Smallville has caught me unawares. And underwears, for that matter.

"Boy's Locker Room." Whoever that boy is, he must be having lots of people over. Football players without shirts are excitedly opening boxes filled with new helmets, jerseys, and shoulder pads. Someone appears to have gotten an oversized treat in a box from The Cookie Factory. Clark walks in and asks what's going on. "You owe me one, Clark," a player says, putting a jersey with the word "Kent" on Clark's chest. So the guy was just holding on to Clark's jersey waiting for the moment the farmboy would come through the door? Desperate! The guy says he saved the jersey from the toilet. Devotion! Another player walks by and gives Clark a dirty look. Jason walks in and tells the "ladies" to listen up. Ha! I just saw a SpongeBob SquarePants episode yesterday (my first, in fact) where he makes the joke about a coach using the word "ladies" to de-motivate a team and let them know how tough the coach is. Jason tells his team that they've obviously found their new jerseys. He welcomes the person responsible. Wearing a suit, Lex Luthor strides into the "Boy's" locker room. So there's Lex, and Clark and a room full of shirtless sweaty guys. My...brain...it...can't process...the HoYay...BLLLAAAAGGGHHH!

Al: We did it! We finally blew his mind!
Miles: Yes! Gay overload! We fried his circuits! Take that, you recapping bitch!
Al: Can we do something like this to make him love Lana?
Miles: Dude. We've been trying that going on four seasons. Not even our formidable powers of TV persuasion can unlock that tiny black heart.

I...Jell-O. Garfunkel. Lex walks in, players clap. Oh God, my brain. The word "flock" is featured prominently in a posterboard in the background. It is the holy grail, this scene: it is, finally, The Great Gay, in all its glory. Lex tells them this is a "rebuilding year," and he wants to encourage the team to keep at it. Lex turns and is surrounded by shirtless guys. I really want him to sing "Material Girl." He says he's learned not to give up on something that means a lot to you. He turns toward Clark and it's just like Casablanca. Lex goes on about having a losing season and how sometimes you just need a fresh start. Jason just nods, having no idea of the gaiety he's witnessing. Lex gives Clark an Ike Turner look: "Aw Tina Turner, baby, I didn't mean it! Let's let love flow again!" Lex asks everyone to enjoy the new uniforms. Clark sulks. Everyone else applauds, cheering the wonder of what may be the Gayest Scene Ever. Lex goes straight to Clark. To the showers with you two! Ow. My brain again. Clark tells Lex he can't buy back Clark's friendship. Because Clark's love don't cost a thing. Lex thinks, "Really? Shit." Clark walks off, pissed. Anybody know a good electro-shock therapist who could help me through this trying time?

Football field. Chloe, notepad in hand, is trying to interview Jason about the shooting. Jason says nicely that he's a little swamped right now. He's got the Coach Clipboard on him. She asks for just two seconds. Whups, there they went. Jason promises to talk to her after practice.

The cheerleaders and their milkshakes bring all the Kryptorade to the yard. They're hoping the boys will think it's better than y'all's. Jason comes on over and drinks from the teat of corruption. In a cup. The head cheerleader, Mandy, says she hopes he has someone special in his life. He scoffs and says that's really none of her business. Look, we know you have a secret; you don't have to be a dick about it. Jason drinks. Mmm, tasty. He tells her he does have somebody. Then Jason goes right back to coaching. He says they gotta protect the quarterback. He says you gotta hold the pocket and move around. Boy, howdy! Clark runs off the field near the drink table. Chloe tries to stop Clark for a short interview between plays, but Clark brushes her off. "Right. Priorities," Chloe says. She takes a cup and gets some thirst quencher herself. Mmm, minty. Clark calls, "Blue-23!" Chloe suddenly dazzles us with a big smile. "Clark!" she says lovingly.

The Torch. Chloe, carrying her books, tells a waiting Lois that she should look into the school shooting story (because apparently there's no other media outlet in America willing to cover it), and that maybe she should talk to the cheerleader/girlfriend. Lois bitches that she's trying to get out of Mayberry. Chloe happily tells Lois she can do what she wants since she's in charge now. "I'm quitting The Torch," Chloe says. Chloe says she now understands why it didn't work with Clark. With a smile on her face the whole time, she says she was always working on the stupid paper when her attention should have been focused on the Big Dumb Alien. She says that's gonna change. Chloe starts taking stuff down from the Wall of Weird. Lois tells her to stop talking crazy; Chloe can't do this because she needs the credits. Mmm, tasty selfishness. Lois asks Chloe how many anvils she's going to let Clark drop on her. It's meta and anvilicious! Chloe finally gets mad. Chloe tells Lois that now that Lana and Clark are finished, she may actually have a shot with him. "Why are you getting in my way?" Chloe asks, angrily. Lois, who is giving really exaggerated line readings this week, says she'll be covering the pom pom beat. I liked Lois when she joined the show because she seemed more like a real person than Lana, but all this mugging and faux sophistication is making me rethink all that. Lois leaves the newsroom. Chloe stews in her own juices. Mmm, juices.

Lois in the hallway. She comes across a gaggle of cheerleaders. The girls are talking about an upcoming pool party, and Mandy is saying that she's not trading down from a quarterback to a wide receiver. Boys, boys, boys! I'm so glad this show is in tune with all the things that young women in high school think about. The girls tell Mandy that Clark is the new quarterback and that he's hawwwt. Mandy says she'll scope him out. Lois comes up to them and asks Mandy to talk about what happened to her boyfriend, for a Torch article. Lois says she doesn't want to do this stupid article, but hey what are you gonna do, so let's just talk. Believe it or not, that approach sometimes works for interviews. "Yeah, my stupid editor wants me to write this dumb article and I don't see why, but since I'm here...why did you murder your wife?" Mandy says in Mean Girls style, "I wouldn't give that geek rag a quote if it were the last paper on Earth." Lois says sarcastically that she thought it was going to be so insightful. The girls look at her blankly, like, "What's an 'insightful,' bitch?" As football players approach, Lois tells the cheerleaders that their valets are here. Mandy tells Lois she could have another boyfriend like (snap of her fingers). Lois says it's amazing what a short skirt and the ability to run will get you. They run? A girl drops a folder. Lois picks it up. She opens it and it's a report called "The Love Molecule." Lois asks how many cheerleaders it takes to draw a double helix. "You want a quote?" Mandy asks. Lois nods. "Back off...bitch." Whoa! Lois gets shoulder-shoved twice. "Just got my headline," Lois says, apropos of nothing.

The Barnness of Hornytude at night. Clark walks up to the loft. Chloe is sitting on his couch in his football jersey and nothing else. Yowza. I don't know what it is about the girl-wearing-boy's-shirt thing, but damned if it doesn't work every time. Now, about it being a football jersey...that's a little more complex. Chloe knows how to push Clark's gay pink buttons. Clark asks what's going on. Chloe just pats the couch. Clark sits, but far away. Chloe says casually that she's been thinking about her priorities. She says they're screwed up. She sidles over to Clark and asks who needs The Torch if he's not gonna be there. "Right," Clark says awkwardly. Chloe says she wants to make Clark her A-#1. Clark gives her a funny look. "I would do anything for you," Chloe says. She moves even closer. "Things that Lana would never do!" I think she's talking about blowjobs. She's talking about blowjobs, right? I could be wrong, but I think she's talking about blowjobs. "Things to help relieve your stress," she says, putting her hand on his chest. Blowjobs! Clark asks, "Like what?" Chloe moves her hand from his chest down toward his crotchal area. Oh, I was totally wrong. She's talking about handjobs. Well, see there I think she's wrong because I think that's Lana's primary modus operandi. But perhaps I digress too much. Clark takes Chloe's hand away and pats it like you would for prayer. He asks if she's feeling all right. Dude, way to lose out on a handjob. Chloe says she's never felt happier. She straddles him. "Can't you see? I'm devoted to you! I love you, Clark." She kisses him. A lot. Whee! We go to commercials.

The Polar Express. Yep, I'm creeped out, too.

Kent kitchen the morning. Clark comes down the stairs with a little spring in his step. He got the handjob! MamaKent, baking, says she put Clark's football equipment together but can't find his jersey. Clark says it's in the barn; he forgot it up there. Clark talks about Chloe. He tells MamaKent that she came on to him, pretty strongly. He stresses that nothing happened (uh huh.); MamaKent thought they were just friends. Clark says Chloe did a 180 on him. Forget what I said. It was blowjobs after all. Hey, Wing, is all this blowjob talk going to get us mad Google hits up in here? ["More than all of Queer As Folk." -- Wing Chun] MamaKent suggests that maybe Chloe's decided life's too short to be Smallville's punching bag. A near-death Underground Railroad experience will do that to you. MamaKent asks about Clark's feelings. He says he's not over Lana yet. You...what?! Oh good Christ. I think the stomach acid just burned another hole in my belly. "Sometimes I think I never will be," Clark says. Grrr. Mylanta, save me! MamaKent says there's somebody out there for Clark. Clark asks what he should do about Chloe. MamaKent says if he doesn't feel the same way he needs to be honest. Bo Duke walks in with a hearty "Hell-o!" As soon as Bo walks in, MamaKent rushes to get to The Talon. Is she avoiding Bo? She grabs her basket of goodies and takes off. Bo chuckles and asks Clark how football's going. Clark flips through a folder (stage business!) and hesitates as he grabs a football on the table. Clark says he's been given a hard time because he's starting and that they're missing his passes. On the football field, too. Bo pours a morning cup of platitude: "Nobody said it was gonna be easy." Mmm, freshly brewed, good to the last drop. Clark says it's frustrating because he could score every time. Bo lectures him again about not using his powers to cheat. Clark's still frustrated. Bo says Clark needs to be a leader, even if everybody else doesn't think he deserves it. He says the same thing happened to him. Clark thought they worshipped Bo. No, that's the cows. Bo says when he was a sophomore, he was made starting quarterback and the seniors didn't like it. "What'd you do?" Clark asks. Bo says he earned their respect. Way to be specific with the advice, Dad.

Lana at school. She's wearing a black top. She's looking at a note written and seems annoyed. She finds Jason in the hallway. He smiles and kisses her as she flops around like a scared fish. She asks what he's doing. She has a note that he sent for her the way kings sent for servant girls in days of yore. The note caused it to be announced to her Advanced Lit class that the assistant coach wanted to see her. Jason strokes her hair as Lana recoils. She calls it a strange outburst and says she doesn't want to cost him his job. Jason says his job doesn't matter and he wants to make her happy. Still right in the middle of the hall, Lana says she loves that. She looks around worriedly and says they should discuss it later. He asks her to come to practice after school and hang out by the sidelines, even for just ten minutes. He says he just wants to see her. Lana looks at him sweetly.

The field. Cheerleaders. You know, those uniforms aren't really their colors. The players stop in the middle of their jumping jacks and get ready for their scrimmage. Clark sees Lana sitting on the bleachers. He goes over to visit and asks what she's doing there. She says she heard Clark was the new quarterback, and had to see it for herself. Lies, lies, lies! There are fewer lies among major characters on Alias! Clark is flattered that Lana came to see him. She looks away. "It means a lot," Clark says. Jason notices Clark getting his schwerve on and pissily asks him to join the team over here at practice. Clark, smiling goofily, looks over, but doesn't do what the coach says. Lana says that the new assistant coach seems like he's working Clark pretty hard. Somehow, Jason is immune from The Gay. It's like he's got Gay Kryptonite in his pocket. Maybe it's a NASCAR season ticket. Clark tells Lana that the new coach has been pretty cool, actually.

As Clark walks back, more girl troubles. Lois wants to know what Clark did to Chloe, because she's acting freaky. Clark says that Chloe is the one hitting on him. Lois thinks he sent some sort of hetero signal. Clark is annoyed and gearing up for a big game; he wants to talk about it later. Just then: Chloe runs up, waving pom poms and wearing a cheerleading outfit. Yow. The only thing Chloe could possibly do to top the jersey and the cheerleading outfit would be to wear a Wonder Woman costume. She cheers and bounces and bounds. Bravo to Allison Mack for making this scene work. Clark and Lois both look at her as at a gunshot victim. Clark asks what's up with the outfit. He seems not filled with delight. Chloe found the uniform in a storage locker and decided to support her new favorite starting quarterback. Chloe says they can be together all the time. "Yeah," Clark says, filled with dread. Lois looks like she wants to lick something. Chloe asks, "What is she doing here?" She forgets her jealousy, though, when Clark is called to the field. Chloe blows him a kiss and goes to, uh, go cheer or something. Lois says she's taken the "fast train to Stepford." Is that like the "skin boat to tuna town"? Clark asks Lois to keep Chloe away from him. What is she, your beard? Clark says he needs time to figure what's going on. Clark, dehydrated by all this attention from women, goes to drink some of the Kryptorade. Jason comes over to see why the hell Clark isn't already on the field. Clark gasps from the drink and looks nauseated. He says he's feeling sick, and that he'd better leave. Jason basically calls him a pussy. "Are you a leader or not?" he asks. Clark, sick, goes on the field holding his stomach. Jason tells one of the players to pass the word: they've got a "green light on Kent." What is this, Guantanamo Bay? Is it? You can tell me, guys. I can handle the truth. Jason drinks the Kool-Aid, as it were.

It's time for an ass-kicking montage. By which I mean not that it's good, but that Clark gets his ass kicked. By the way, the Team America "montage" song absolutely rules. In fact, just go see the movie. Clark gets sacked. Chloe winces and cheers that it's all right: "Just shake it off!" "How's that taste?" a player asks Clark. Hey, dude, save it for the showers. Jason watches. Chloe cheers incompetently, spelling Clark's last name. The other cheerleaders cheer apart from Chloe. Loud music. More tackling. Clark passes the ball but still gets tackled from behind which doesn't even make sense. More hiking. More severe tackling. "Oh!" Chloe yells after a particularly rough one. Clark, on the ground and beaten, notices the fembot cheerleaders carrying off the big tub of Kryptorade. Chloe keeps cheering, showing some ass. "Go Clark!" she yells. The musical montage ends. Whee!

Kent farm. Clark is upstairs in the loft, still suffering from menstrual pains. He hears someone coming up and thinks it's Chloe. Instead, it's Eminem from 8 Mile. Oh, wait, that's Jason wearing a dark hoodie. I can never tell with these blond kids. Jason says they need to talk. Clark tells him that he thinks there's something in that drink cooler. Jason ignores that and tells Clark he should stay away from Jason's girlfriend. Clark is like, "Whu?" and gets sucker-punched in the gut. Oof! Then he gets Captain Kirked in the back and falls on some canisters. Jason punched Clark repeatedly about the face. Kerpow! Clark is bleeding. He gets punched again and falls through some rails to a lower level. Clark lies on the ground, moaning. He's not so super when he's got food poisoning, is he? Jason comes downstairs to finish Clark off. He's stopped by Sexy Goddamn Man About Town Lex Luthor, who throws Jason over to a nearby post. Jason falls, gets up, and runs away like a turkey. Way to go, coach. Lex comes over to nurse this fallen farmboy. "Lex," Clark says. Lex gets all up over Clark and asks if he's all right and who that guy was. Clark, for no real reason, doesn't answer. We go to commercials.

Those "Feel Good Fashion" commercials got old really fast.

Kent farm at night. It's when the tractors sleep. In the barn, Lex is asking Clark whether he's sure he doesn't want to call the police or report a hate crime or something. Clark's nose is dripping. It hits the floor as green liquid. Ew, a Gatorade commercial. Clark wipes his nose. Clark opens his shirt, pointing his nipple Due Lex. The wounds on his chest heal, though why he'd want Lex to notice that, I'm not sure. As Lex turns around, Clark wipes his nose and tries to play it off. But his facial wounds have healed, too. Lex notices. Clark says that all of a sudden he's feeling a lot better. Lex suggests that Clark see a doctor anyway. Lex doesn't press the issue. He says he was there in the first place to give Clark something. Well, three somethings if you count balls. Lex throws Clark a package in a snazzy LuthorCorp folder. Lex says it's every file he ever had on Clark. Clark asks how he knows there's not another copy floating around. Lex says, "You don't. But it's the truth." Clark asks why Lex lied to him if this friendship was so important. Hey Clark? Your pants have been on fire for years. I think you must wear flame-retardant long johns. Lex says he doesn't know. He says there's a darkness inside him that he can't control. Lex thinks that's why all his relationships end badly. Clark says we all have a dark side. Like this one guy Moon I know? Totally has a dark side. Lex says his is different. He can feel his creeping over the corners. Creeeepy! Lex says that friendship helps keep it at bay and reminds him that there are good people in the world. Lex says he doesn't want to give up on that. He bids Clark good night. No kiss, though.

The school at night. Clark tells Lois that he's looking for Jason, who attacked him in his barn. Lois says that after Clark's football performance that day, she's not surprised. Snark! Lois says she's kidding. Clark tells her that the cheerleaders are spiking the sports drink. Lois asks if Clark wants to know what they're using. She pulls Clark into the Torch office and shows the fruits of her reporting. It's a science fair project folder. Clark's not impressed. Lois says their teacher said they were researching a hormone called "phenylithamine." Clark repeats it, with some work. It's a love potion that was unsuccessful. Like tequila for me in college. "Until they added the meteor rock," Clark adds. Lois boggles: "Whatever," she says. Lois says it has to wear off or they wouldn't keep "juicing" the football players. Is that gay? I just can't tell anymore. My brain, she is tired. Lois asks why Clark didn't get all lovey-dovey, since he drank some, too. Clark says he doesn't know. "What's your point?" he asks. Lois says the science report in Mandy's "faux-Prada" bag should tell them how to reverse it. Lois thinks that since Clark doesn't get affected, he should be used for their pool party. I completely concur. "How do you look in a swimsuit?" Lois asks. Remember when you saw his schlong? Now imagine it covered with a swimsuit. Clark starts to shake his head, "No." Lois looks at him coquettishly.

Pool Party! The football people have turned the school swimming pool into a respectable house party with lights, music, floaties and...hey, who forgot the Li'l Smokies?! Mandy stands around looking bored and pissed. Some football players in grass skirts dance the luau. Clark and Lois, overdressed, show up. They're like, "This looks fun! We hate fun." Lois spots Mandy's purse and tells Clark to go get it. She pushes him toward Mandy. Clark goes over to her and says hi. Mandy's drinking what looks like a mango martini. Clark looks over to Lois and when Mandy moves to look over, Clark grabs her and kisses her. "I'm devoted to you!" Clark says clumsily. Mandy pulls up his shirt for an abs inspection. "Yeah, I can work with this," she concludes. See, I like it when the villains on this show aren't Kryptofreaks -- they're just assholes. Mandy grabs her faux-Prada and drags Clark with her.

Locker room. Mandy starts kissing Clark as soon as they get through the door. Clark looks like Elmer Fudd being kissed by Bugs Bunny. He just can't enjoy this. It's way, way, way too straight. Lois doesn't so much sneak in as stick her head right through the door in plain view and look both ways, very "look at me! I'm doing improv theatre!" Mandy gushes that Clark is so strong. "You, you're so beautiful," Clark says. He's the worst straight man ever! More kissing. Lois mutters, "I'm so grossed out," so quietly that I have to pick it up from the Closed Captioning. Mandy pulls Clark over to a bench. She straddles him and asks Clark what he's going to do for her. "I'll buy you dinner," he says. Clark looks to Lois, who shakes her head. "I'll cook. I'll cook you dinner." Ha. This bit's pretty fun. Mandy says, "That is so hot!" and kisses him some more. I swear, this is like playing Leisure Suit Larry. Clark gets Mandy's purse and tosses it over to where Lois is hiding. Clark points toward it. Mandy asks why Clark seems distracted. He says he's nervous because he's never done what he thinks they're about to do. Mandy grins and kisses him more roughly. She's so slutty! I love it. Lois ducks and covers as Mandy takes Clark to another part of the workout room. She pulls him on top of her. Clark has somehow gotten her purse again and throws it over his own back to land on top of Lois, who is hiding under the bench now. "Ow," she whispers. Mandy stops and asks Clark if he said something. It's not exactly Noel Coward, is it? Mandy lifts Clark's shirt. It also lands on top of Lois, who looks at it disgustedly. Oh, come now, girlfriend. You know you want to smell it. Lois can be seen peeking between the two flat stomachs of the teens making out. Lois sneaks away as Clark keeps kissing Mandy. Not too convincing, that.

Lois goes down the hallway of what appears to be the boiler room from A Nightmare on Elm Street. She mutters, "Gross!" She digs into Mandy's purse and finds the science report. As she's reading it, she gets clocked on the back of the head. It's a wrench, and it's being wielded by Chloe. Dude, if Lois really got hit with a wrench on the back of the neck, I don't think she'd just spin and yell, "Chloe! What the hell!?" Chloe takes another swing and says she knows what Lois is up to. Chloe says she went through this with Lana. She keeps swinging that wrench, and Lois keeps dodging and blocking. Chloe thinks Lois is trying to steal Clark.

Locker room. "Are you getting bored?" Mandy asks Clark, whom she's still mounted upon. "Think of sexy John Elway, think of sexy John Elway," Clark says in his head. "Uh, NO!" Clark says. She kisses him even more and says she's just getting started. This show is now officially running on the economy of blowjobs. Like, mowing your lawn costs a blowjob and a half. Writing your term paper? Two blowjobs and a teabagging. A new car? That's a week's worth of blowjobs.

In the boiler room. Lois yells, "I don't want to hurt you!" She grabs the wrench and throws Chloe down. "Too late, you already did," Chloe says, and moves to go after Lois again. Lois does a roundhouse kick and cracks Chloe right in the fucking face. Owwww! Hey, lay off your cousin! Chloe is turned around and her face and hands land right on a furnace, which should disfigure her horribly. Chloe screams and falls. Now Lois apologizes. Chloe asks, "What happened? What's going on?" Lois looks at the furnace and smiles. Oh yeah! We'll throw all the cheerleaders into the furnace!

Back in the den of blowjobs and a new economic world order. Mandy asks Clark how far he wants to go here. Clark says, "Um..." "Please not the blowjob, please not the blowjob," he thinks. It's the wrong job, the wrong place, and the wrong sex. Lois and Chloe come in to bust up the blow. Mandy dislodges herself from Clark. Clark runs over and hides behind Chloe and Lois as if he might be infected by hetero-germs. "I can't believe you, Clark," Mandy says. Taking advantage of a poor slut like this! Lois asks if Mandy knows how pathetic it is that she uses chemicals to control her boyfriend. Mandy says she was tired of being second to a football. Girl, they're gay. Guh-haaaaay! They're just not that into you! Or your kind. Lois says Mandy created a bunch of psycho nutjobs instead. She says, "No offense" to Chloe. "None taken," Chloe responds, and does a funny little take. Clark asks what took them so long. Chloe says that Lois was attacked by...a crazy plumber. Lois explains about the heat and the boiler room. Clark says it's just like the football player when the gun heated up. Chloe and Lois agree. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just wait right the fuck there. How do Lois and Chloe know about the shotgun heating up and how did Clark explain that bit of magic? I call bullshit! Bullshit, sir! Bullshit, here writ large! And smelly!

While they're all talking, Mandy disappears. Which is awful editing because it doesn't look one bit convincing. Lois and Clark bicker about who let her go. Why isn't Clark's super-hearing or X-ray vision working here? Lazy, lazy, lazy writing in this scene. Mandy walks back in. Funky music continues to play. Mandy makes a threat. Lois asks if she's going to cheer them to death. Three football players walk in. "Here comes the love squad," Lois says needlessly. The three players line up, one of them with a baseball bat. The girls hide behind Clark. For some reason, the players move to leave access to the door open. Seriously, this is one of the worst-edited scenes in show history. It just doesn't flow or work at all. Lois stays behind as Clark and Chloe just walk out. Lois yells, "Hi-yah!" and kicks a dude in the stomach. He falls on the other two guys. Clark comes back and asks, "What are you doing?" Lois asks if Clark has any explosions up his sleeve. She glances up at a "Hot! Caution!" pipe. "You're gonna pay, bitch," one of the players says. Clark looks up and eyejaculates at the hot pipe right in front of everyone. No one even notices. Stupid people. The pipe bursts sending hot, searing water all over everybody, which really should kill them. But it's TV. It just dazes them like weak gas. "What the hell was that?" Lois asks. Clark says the pipe must have just burst. "Pretty lucky, huh?" he asks. Lame. LAME! Weak! Lois says Clark better hope for that kind of luck on the field tomorrow. Clark looks annoyed. Not as annoyed as I feel, Clark.

Commercials. I'm still pissed off. Not even skinny Jared can cheer me up.

Stately Luthor Manor at night. A houseboy in a Kato outfit leads Clark into Lex's research room. Lex says he couldn't believe it when he heard Clark was here. Lex wanted to show Lex that the investigation was officially over. It's the former "I Luv Clark" room. On the table is a hunk of twisted metal. Lex says it's the Porsche that he was rescued from. "Why is it still here?" Clark asks. Lex says it's to remind himself of what he almost lost. "It's over, Clark. It really is," he says. Lex wants to give the friendship another shot. Clark considers. He nods. Clark asks, in the spirit of friendship, if Lex can help him with a problem. Lex says, "Absolutely." Clark says it's a "Who." Do him. Do him now! Because it's the Gayest Look of the Episode! Actually it's Lois Lane, but my brain didn't even hear that. Or care.

Locker room. Clark is in his uniform. Jason comes over and apologizes for kicking Clark's ass. Clark says it's fine. Jason says he'll understand if Clark wants to tell the school what happened. Clark says Jason wasn't himself. He's glad it wore off. Jason encourages Clark and says the guys are finally behind Clark. It happens at 3:45 every Wednesday; you have to take a number and arrive early for a good spot. Clark asks who the girlfriend was that Jason mentioned when he was whalin' on him. Jason lies that he has no idea. Clark may be thinking, but it's hard to tell.

Football field. Score is 31-28 in favor of the visiting team with just seven seconds left. It's fourth down. Lana, Chloe, and Lois sit in the stands. Lex sits a few rows down, by himself. In the huddle, Clark tells a teammate to go to the endzone. "Can you throw that far?" a guy asks. "Can you run that fast?" Clark responds. "Hell yeah." The play is called. It's a Hail Mary. Everybody in the crowd stands. Bo and MamaKent are there too. Clark hikes the ball. The clock winds down. Clark throws a long pass. Every football cliché is employed. The chimes, the slow-motion the seconds ticking down, the coach on the sidelines. The ball sails, wobbly in the air. The receiver jumps and catches the ball. He might be in the endzone, but it's tough to tell because there are no lines anywhere near him. Everybody stands and cheers. Yay. Even Lex looks a bit happy. Bo gives Clark a proud look .Clark is lifted up by his teammates. Victory!

Chloe, wearing a cute top that features school colors that do suit her recounts the winning play as she walks on the field with Clark. She says he's gonna be like "some superhero around here." Chloe says she might have to do an article on him. You mean The Torch didn't think the school shooting or anything about the team was worth writing before? Clark asks if she's back on the newspaper. She says she is. She goes direct. She says she's sorry about making things awkward. Clark says she made a great cheerleader. She asks not to talk about that again. Chloe stands in front of Clark in her cute hair and in the magic hour daylight and she just looks beautiful. She says that she could blame the "pom pom juice," but that she obviously still has feelings for Clark. "Chloe," Clark says, "I wish I felt the same way. But I don't." Chloe nods. "At least not right now," Clark says. Chloe moves her eyes around and says she accepts it. She wants to keep their friendship, even though Clark's gonna be Big Man on Campus. She chuckles. Clark says he's hoping his new editor will keep him in line. He says he's going to make time for The Torch. Chloe: "Wow. Superhero and journalist. What are the odds?" Clark leans over and kisses Chloe on the cheek. WHY!? Dude! You don't do that! "Thanks," Chloe says, tearing up. "I'll see you tomorrow." She shoos away, probably bawling her eyes out. Oh, man. This is painful.

Lois walks right over and walks with Clark instead of consoling her cousin. "If you break your heart, I'll come back and I'll break your legs," she advises. Well, get the pipe because I think Clark just did it again. Lois says the dean of her college got a call from a benefactor with the initials "L.L." On this show? Could be anybody. She says, "They did the white man power dance and Shazam!" She's a freshman. Clark says that's great. Lois knows Clark had something to do with it. Clark says the important thing is that she's leaving. Because that's what she wanted. Lois teases him for not being broken up about it. She says the town was weird, and that she's looking forward to the normalcy of the big city. She says she'll visit. "Is that a promise or a threat?" Clark asks. Lois slugs him on the shoulder as they both smile. "See ya around...Smallville," she says and walks off the field, leaving Clark alone. Now's your chance, Clark! Take a basketball and dunk it on the goalpost!

To black. A title card reads, "In loving memory of CHRISTOPHER REEVE." A second title card says, "He made us believe a man could fly." Oh, and The WB wants you to buy some shitty CDs. What a lovely tribute.

week: The Flash! Hell yeah!