This week on Smallville! "Kryp/Tuck!" Or as many longtime viewers were yelling by episode's end, "Shit!"/"The Fuck!?"
We open on a large, breakaway "Smallville High -- Home of the Crows" banner, of the kind that football players run through. Do they have a name for those? Banner-rings? Break-throughs? Dambusters? "I'm Not Gay"s? The first guy out of a gate is our old pal Jocko Whitney. Hey! Isn't he dead? Wasn't he less blond? He's in "#14" and a letterman jacket, followed by other hooting football players, some of whom are old enough to have receding hairlines in their sophomore year of high school. Huh. I'm momentarily confused. Did Papa Luthor bring Jocko back to life? Ah, I see. A title card reads, "Freshman Year -- 2001." Remember the fall football season of 2001, right around September, when we were all celebrating and hooting and hollering just like this? Remember that? Man. Good times. Anyhoo, Clark and his Classic Neve Campbell haircut are standing around clapping at the macho procession. "You GO boys!" you can hear him think. Clark thinks loudly. Jocko gets up on a stand and addresses the smallish crowd with a bullhorn. "Whuggu fugoogoogah butter!" Jocko yells. Huh? Closed captioned translation: "Are we going to go to State this year?!" That depends. Which state? "Yeah!" the crowd of under fifty yells. Man, budget cuts for extras is a bitch. Jocko -- who looks about thirty-five instead of two years younger than when he died (HDTV: another bitch) -- asks the crowd who the state champions are going to be. Kansas State? "The Crows!" the crowd yells back. It's almost as if Jocko Whitney knew what the answers would be before he even asked the questions!
Jocko steps down from the platform and asks a "brave freshman" to step up. He asks which "stud" in the audience is a better quarterback than he. Hey, Clark is a stud! And he knows how to make passes at other men! He's good in the pocket! He's employed the shotgun formation before! I got a million of these, people. Maybe I should save a few. Clark looks around all sheepish. "Kent, how about it?" Jocko says, looking right at him. "Huh? Uh, that's okay," Clark says, embarrassed. Jocko asks if he's been too busy milking the cows to try out for the team. Is this before or after Clark met Lex? Because I can probably field that milking question. Jocko demands that Clark show some school spirit. He tosses Clark the football. Clark holds it like a precious carton of eggs. "Am I right?" Jocko says into the megaphone. He asks if Clark wants to take a shot at "the hottest freshman at Smallville High." Who, Jocko? Oh, no, he's talking about Lana Lang! She's sitting at the dunk tank. I know this because it says "DUNK TANK" in huge letters, in case you can't figure out why someone would be sitting on a platform above a narrow pool of water. "Come on, Clark!" Lana yells. We don't actually see her say that, so I'm guessing that was looped in. Clark looks to Lana, and the camera pans down to her green Kryptonite necklace.
Al: Pan lower! Lower, cameraman!
Miles: Don't cut away! Dammit! You're fired!
Clark, from about fifty feet away, feels the effect of the faraway necklace. If it truly affects him from that far, how was he ever able to share a classroom with Lana while she wore that necklace? Clark's hands shake on the football. "Just take your time," Lana advises. How about three seasons' worth of time in the rickety, beaten-up pick-up truck they called a relationship? Lana advises that Clark can do it. He rears back to throw. "Caw! Caw!" we hear. It's a girl in a goofy black crow mascot costume. She's carrying a basket of what appear to be Easter eggs. Is that Chloe? I really thought this was Chloe at first. "Crows! Woohoo Crows!" the costumed crow yells. Jocko goes over to the poor girl and tells everybody they're going to find out who the "lucky" freshman is this year. Mark Ruffalo Light (and a lot less attractive) comes forward to say it's probably the biggest loser, like every year. "Come on, take it off," he says to the Crow. Dude, you're talking to a mascot bird. Try not to get too sexual here. "Hey, leave her alone," Clark says half-heartedly. It sounds more like a little whine. Like, "Heeeeey! Knock it off, jeez, guys!" instead of a tough demand from the future Man of Steel. He's like the Boy of Bendy Plastic. The girl in the costume has been accosted by two football players. Lana looks concerned but, you'll notice, makes no move to get out of the dunk tank. Not Mark Ruffalo says that torching (or was that "torturing"?) the mascot is a Smallville tradition. No offence, but your traditions suck. He lifts the crow head from he mascot costume. The girl underneath has on Lisa Loeb glasses and has very exaggerated, visible-from-lunar-orbit pimples all over her face. "Scabby Abby!" the mean football player concludes. Huh. I kinda like it. The girl looks horrified. Not Mark Ruffalo holds up the head of the Crow and starts chanting "Scabby Abby! Scabby Abby!" Clark looks constipated. Some folks join in the chanting, but it's pretty weak. These kids would have made awful Nazis. Oh dear, Abby. Abby looks destroyed and runs away. She forgets her mascot head. Jocko ignores Clark and calls for the volunteer. Clark is sad, but we're not sure if it's over Abby or for missing the opportunity to dunk Lana. I'd be a lot sadder about the latter. I was going to call her Scabby, but that's just too cruel. How about something more elegant...like "Scabrous"? Scabrous runs around a van parked over by the buses and starts to cry. Why didn't they tell her that mascots were subject to ritualized humiliation? You know that major league baseball chicken? That dude gets gang-raped after every game. It's no way to live. Scabrous takes off her glasses and wipes her tears. Pop, pop, pop! She looks at herself in the reflection of the van. I'm not trying to say she's ugly, but...the van just did a rollover to avoid reflecting her face.
“ Clark superzips and catches his own pass. Amazing! Why don't we ever see Clark having more fun with his superpowers? He needs to stop being so goddamned mopey and start pulling some really great practical jokes. ”
Cut to a Weird Science-like wireframe image of a female face. The text on screen reads, "Patient name: Abigail Fine, 2004 Program Initialization." Man, that girl is anything but Fine. "Poor Abby," a voice says, adding that it took three years, but that Abby finally let "Mommy" help her. The image zooms into the computer-generated eyes of the wireframe image. The wireframe fades into the actual face of Scabrous. Scabrous's mother, who is circling around the spooky exam table where Abby lies, says that she's not going to let her daughter waste her senior year like she did all the others. Abby is covered with what looks like a fishskin blanket. "You promise people will like me?" Scabrous asks pathetically. Scabrous's Mom -- uh, MamaScab -- promises that they will, just like they liked did SM. I heard everybody did her mom. She was like communal popcorn at a double feature. With extra butter! MamaScab goes over to a wall panel and pushes a button. She tells her daughter that everyone will love her once they see the real beauty inside. A gnarly-looking whole-body mold comes down from the ceiling. Prepare to mummify! MamaScab looks like she should be on The Young and the Restless. Scabrous winces as the scary device comes down. It's like a plastic cast with tons of sharp metal pokers. MamaScab says her daughter's going to have a senior year nobody will forget. The pokers come down and stab Scabrous right in the damn face in about fifteen different places. She's like a reverse-Pinhead from Hellraiser. Ow, ow, ow!
Opening credits. Chloe's back, but it's nothing to shout about: she's got fifth billing behind Jason Teague. Chloe, you really need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your agent.
We come back to the roar of a football crowd as a football sits in a sad patch of dying grass. An announcer says that the game is tied with five seconds left. A young "phenom" named Clark Kent is leading Metropolis University's big comeback. We pull back to reveal Clark, by himself, on the farm and having a little superstar fantasy. Clark steps back and, as the announcer says, throws a Hail Mary pass. It's a bullet, deep downfield. Clark's pass goes over some fences on a cloudy day. Clark superzips and catches his own pass. Amazing! Why don't we ever see Clark having more fun with his superpowers? He needs to stop being so goddamned mopey and start pulling some really great practical jokes. The Imaginary Meteors win. Clark's feeling pretty proud of himself, considering that there was nobody on defense. Clark notices an old tire tied to a tree. He passes the ball and gets it to sail right through the hole. Nope, sorry, guys. I don't have a joke here. "Nice arm, farmboy!" says Lois Lane, who is walking over from her jaunty little red convertible. I'd say that was a nice trade up from her old SUV. Lois asks about Clark's first game. "I'm not on the team," Clark says, looking a little embarrassed. Lois compliments Clark's arm (she didn't notice it when she was busy looking at his schlong) and says that's usually a "get out of geek free card." Clark says he doesn't consider himself a geek. Lois appears to be wearing a suit jacket made of bathrobe. She asks what Clark does see himself as. "An outsider, I guess," Clark says. Great cheekbones, chiseled physique, male-model looks? Yeah, I can see how Clark would feel so out in the cold in our harsh society. Lois sums up Clark's attitude by calling it a good recipe for wedgies. Hee. Clark sarcastically asks whether he told her how much he'd miss her.
“ Whoa! Lois- based Chloevage! I would keep those away from sharp objects and small rooms. ”
Just then, a camouflage Humvee -- Lois's official dad escort mobile -- pulls up. "Daddy!" Lois says. Don't call him "Daddy"! Call him IRONSIDE! IRONSIDE!, grimacing as if he's had his blood substituted with baking soda, comes over while Lois belittles him. She asks if he doesn't have 3,000 guys to babysit. Well, it's 2,999 now that we sent one of our men to get the shit kicked out of him in Guantanamo Bay and we call it "nanny services" besides that, and...HEY! Lois says she knows she's late, but that she can still make it to campus for orientation. IRONSIDE! tells her to save herself a trip. "Met U." just cancelled her acceptance. Apparently, she didn't have enough credits to finish high school. Say WHAAAA!? Lois can't believe it. "Lo, you failed the last semester," IRONSIDE! tells her. Wouldn't Lois already know this? Wouldn't a concerned guidance counselor have poked her ass with a hot branding iron or something? Is this The Apathetic Universe here? My God, won't somebody please think of the children!? Clark laughs suddenly and inappropriately just as the news is sinking in for Lois. IRONSIDE! gives Clark a Glare of Meaty IRONSIDE! Death. If Clark wasn't super, he'd just melt into an agonizing puddle of goo. Clark stops laughing, perhaps sensing goo-doom. IRONSIDE! steps forward and tells Lois that he's sure Clark won't mind showing her around. "Around where?" Lois and Clark both ask in unison. Smallville High, of course! IRONSIDE! finally cracks a smile. He enjoys tart and implausible plot twists, too. IRONSIDE! isn't made of metal. Well, maybe just his heart. Clark hangs his head like, "Aw. Fuck!" Lois isn't too happy about it either.
Smallville High. It's a new season. In a burst of creativity, the banner creators have put up a new one that reads "WELCOME BACK!" Clever and economical! Lois and Chloe pull up to a nearby parking space in Lois's little convertible. Chloe tries to tell her that apart from a few annoyances (death, attempted rape, Jonathan Taylor Thomas), the school really isn't so bad. Lois complains that it's the varsity version of Dante's seventh ring. It sounds like Dante had almost as many rings as Mr. T. has gold chains. Chloe asks if Lois knows how many people would kill to relive their senior year of high school. Not counting Drew Barrymore? Lois clarifies that it's only a semester. She climbs out of the car. Whoa! Lois-based Chloevage! I would keep those away from sharp objects and small rooms. Chloe says that the only way Lois will complete five credits in one semester is to take an extracurricular. Like, say, writing for The Torch. Lois tells Chloe that the last thing she wants to be is a reporter. Chloe touts the good stuff: uncovering the truth and protecting the public. Lois says that it involves sticking your nose in other people's business. "Like I said, you'd be perfect!" Chloe charms. "It's gonna be great having you here!" Chloe tells her. What's with all the extra lines looped in this week? They really don't sound like they belong there.
“ The football players continue to gawk unconvincingly. Pssst! I think they're gay. Pass it on. ”
Clark is walking down the hallway and spots a posterboard for football tryouts. Flying above a sea of hands is a blue-suited crow with a red cape. Revealed at last! Clark's costume idea comes from a goofy high-school hallway poster. "Hey! The new girl!" says some anonymous person in the hall. That's the cue for a new girl to walk in, wearing slutty clear-heeled shoes and a spotty pink dress made for...you know, those girls. She's a blonde and has that blank Elisha Cuthbert look. It's Scabrous! But now she's Scabrous Fabulous! All the football-team boys dig her milkshake. "Hi Clark," she says innocently as she walks by our "outsider." The football guys are like, "Why yes. I would most definitely hit that. Most indubitably!" Clark says, "...Abby?" It's now "Abigail." Or "Scabrous Fabulous" if you're nasty. Clark tries to be diplomatic with the "I almost didn't recognize you!" without ending the thought, "without a face full of pimples rendering all borrowed face towels a permanent proposition." She says that she spent a whole summer recovering. She hopes her locker is the only thing that stays the same this year. Ew, girl, your locker is ugly! You need to make that shit OVER! And your locker looks fat, too. Clark asks why she did the...uh... "change." Except she has to finish the thought for him. She says she decided she could spend another year being resentful, or she could do something about it. This episode brought to you by The Swan. The Swan: Proudly giving mentally unhealthy women unnatural-looking mouths with a whole new season. Scabrous Fabulous says that it's senior year. "It's our last chance," she says, a little desperately. If this show were just a little bit funnier, it would be Strangers With Candy. The football players continue to gawk unconvincingly. Pssst! I think they're gay. Pass it on.
Chloe and Lois walk by together. Chloe does a "Whoa!" to Lois and says that either Scabrous spent a summer at a silicone farm, or Chloe's been shopping at the wrong make-up counter. Seriously, folks? Scabrous Fabulous does not look fake. The script calls for everybody to talk about her as if she's Pamela Anderson or something, but she just looks clean and pretty, not fake and bulbous. I think they were just in a hurry on guest casting here. Lois asks if she's about seventeen. She says that's like messing with the batter before the cookies are baked. This, mind you, is coming from big-chested Lois. Chloe says that the world is nicer to prettier people and that it's her body and that she can do what she wants. Well, this is a switch. That explosion must have knocked some of the snark out of Chloe. Lois glares at Choe. "WHAT?!" Chloe asks. Lois is surprised that Chloe isn't outraged by a "nipped and tucked" "pod person." Clark walks right up and says he thinks Scabrous Fabulous looks great. Lois scoffs with a facial expression that is disturbingly similar to Dr. Cox's on Scrubs. "What a shocker," she says. Lois says that all of high school is a faade, with people trying to be what they're not. Was that the mission statement for this episode? Chloe says it sounds like Lois has her first article for The Torch. Lois agrees, but only if she gets extra credit. Apple polisher!
“ Clark says he's not on the team. He's hoping to... try out. He says it like they're sending him to Iraq. ”
Lana, wearing an off-the-shoulder black blouse instead of the usual pink earmuffs, is walking down the hall holding a folded-up note written on loose-leaf paper with "Lana" on it. She walks to the appropriately labeled "Coach's Office" and steps inside. It's luvah-man Jason Teague. Lana giggles, and they kiss. Lana compliments Jason on sticking a note through the vent of her locker. Jason prides himself on being able to revert back to the fourth grade. I'm just gonna say it: I don't hate this guy. He seems like the kinda dude who would drive you home when you've had too much to drink or would kick somebody's ass if they were picking on a girl with massive pimples (unlike, say, certain Big, Dumb Aliens we know of). And, maybe I'm feeling generous this week or the cough medicine just kicked in, but I don't hate Lana with Jason. She seems nicer and sparklier and not all riddled with whispery angst like when she's with Clark. So, here's my idea, Al and Miles: spin that shit off. The Adventures of Lana and Jason, Sunday nights on The WB. What do you think? You could even cross it over with The Mountain and have it be The Adventures of Lana and Jason and Horny Ski-Lodge People. It's a goldmine, I tell you! Anyhoo, Lana says that if they get caught, you know, rubbing the rhubarb, she could get detention. I think it would be a scandal far greater than that. "I could get fired," Jason says, backing me up.
Someone knocks on the door. Jason and Lana break their embrace quickly. It's Clark. "Coach Teague!" he says. Lana gives Jason a freaked-out look. Clark introduces himself and they shake hands. He notices Lana and asks what she's doing there. Well, getting coached on the I-tongue formation, for one thing. Jason lies that the principal (Principal Asskick?) asked Lana to give him the grand tour. Lana is very amused. Lying turns her on, which explains her longtime attraction to Clark. Clark gives Lana the burning thigh sweats by telling her how awesome Jason is. He broke a record at Metropolis University and could have gone pro. So he's, what, about twenty-two or twenty-three? Lana's seventeen? Jason says smoothly that he's now a transfer to Kansas A&M, and that he broke his rotator cuff. I had to take my car in last week to get that fixed. "I guess we're lucky to have you here, Coach!" Lana says brightly. They're enjoying this way too much. Gotta admit, though: doing the flirty I don't-know-this-person thing when you're around someone else who doesn't know you're a couple is kinda fun. Jason corrects her: he's assistant coach. Some dude named "Quigley" is still going to be calling the plays. Unless he goes down under. Clark says he's not on the team. He's hoping to...try out. He says it like they're sending him to Iraq. "You look big enough, sure," Jason says, sizing Clark up. No sexual tension whatsoever on that line, there. Jason seems about as straight as Lex seems curved and crooked.