Previously on Smallville. Corn. Cheese. Prison sausage. Oh, wait, that's this week.
Big open Vancou-- er, Kansas expanse of land. This is the heartland, people. This is the square mile of land that politicians are always talking about. God, does it look boring. Clark and his new friend Lois Lane are walking through it as Clark is clarifying last week's statement about Chloe's not being dead. Lois, rationally, asks how Clark could possibly know that. She asks if his hunch is just a rung on the grief ladder. Clark has no idea what she's talking about. He shifts gears, George W.-style, instead: "None of this would have happened if I'd been there." Oh, that's right. You were gone three months having sex with a cave crevice or some damn thing. Lois calls Clark "Commando" or "Conundrum" or "Curmudgeon" or something like that. I promise to turn on Closed Captioning as soon as I get past the first commercial. Lois bitches that Clark is "Yes, Ma; Yes Pa" half the time, and an overconfident Big Dumb Alien the other half. Clark tries to sound cool by saying that it must drive Lois nuts not being able to peg someone right away. Instead of sounding cool, Clark sounds like the little-known Native-American actor, Gives Flat Line Readings. Lois tells Clark that he's not that complicated. He doesn't even know what "complicated" means. Isn't that an Avril song?
Clark and Lois approach what looks like the Blair Witch house, except that it's in the middle of a tall hill surrounded by comically unnecessary police tape. "This is Chloe's safe house?" Lois asks. "You mean what's left of it," Clark says. Seriously, if Tom Welling's line readings get any flatter, Kate Moss is going to sue for plagiarism of her torso. Lois is sad that the safe house looks like a decimated crack shack. There's even an old car sitting charred right nearby. Now, was it just me, or did that safe house look like it was a nice house in a middle of a nice neighborhood last season? Now it's a lone nice house way up on a hill that the whole town can see? With no shade from trees? How safe is this house, exactly? You couldn't hide a Lifesavers-brand candy roll in there. Clark and Lois ignore the police tape and go inside the ruins. Lois asks what Clark's looking for. Please say "acting coach." Please say "acting coach." "I don't know, but the FBI sealed the case," Clark says. Dammit. "Doesn't that sound a little odd?" Clark asks. I'm so sorry to continue harping on this, constant reader, but Jesus Christ: is Tom Welling trying to channel Joey Tribbiani? Lois makes a crack about the FBI's dunderheadedness. It's not even that interesting. Clark wonders if Chloe got out before the explosion. Lois says that Chloe walked inside the house. We all saw it -- even Lois saw it, apparently. She says she doesn't know how anyone could survive that. She lets Clark live in denial, but says she wants to find out who did this to her cousin. She adds that the place gives her the creeps; she wants to go.
Choppers! Clark and Lois see a loud helicopter approach out of nowhere. It must be all that loud city noise that masked the sound of the approaching craft. The helicopter turns, and two guys rappel from it, even though there's enough clear area and space for the helicopter to have landed. It just looks cooler this way, I guess. The guys are like Army Ninjas or some damn thing. They're masked, and look armed. Clark yells, "Run!" Lois runs. The helicopter goes after her. Clark fistfights with one of the soldiers. He knocks the gun out of the dude's hand and throws him thirty feet, onto the charred car. Lois, meanwhile, runs daintily down the hill. Wheee! Helicopter POV shot that is indeed cribbed from North by Northwest, which will be given a nonsensical shout-out later. How many people Clark's or Lois's age have actually seen that movie? Lois does a little flip/roll down the hill. She makes an ugly face, and then runs some more. Clark apparently stopped to watch all of this; he then fights another guy who's wielding a wicked electricity-spitting rifle. Clark lightly knocks the guy onto some breakaway wood planks, and that's apparently enough to stop a highly trained U.S. military guy in his tracks. The helicopter keeps pursuing Lois, now through some stalks of corn. We keep seeing a rainbow overhead, which I guess is nice if you're into that sort of thing. More running. Lois steps into a clearing so that she can be spotted better. Another trooper drops down. Clark superzips over in plain view, but nobody cares. Lois does some karate chops on the trooper. Clark throws some eyejaculate fireballs at the middle of the helicopter. It begins to glow orange. Karate CHOP! from Lois. The helicopter doesn't blow up. Instead, it begins to spin and go down. More karate. Lois is holding her own. She flips the guy she's fighting. The helicopter makes a safe landing. Lois knocks her guy again and gives him a silly martial-arts look. Clark ambles over. Lois tells him not to just stand there. She pulls him by the arm, and they run down the middle of the cornfield.
Best part of the entire episode: a crusty guy in fatigues steps out of the helicopter. He's got a black beret. He's chewing on a cigar bigger than a baby. He takes off his glasses. It's Michael Ironside! I LOVE HIM! A trooper tells IRONSIDE! that they lost two kids in the middle of an open clearing. "Find them," IRONSIDE! says. I'm surprised IRONSIDE! doesn't just shoot the guy for botching his job. The trooper goes off to not really do much of anything after this. IRONSIDE! is content to...you know, just be IRONSIDE!
Opening credits. Still no Chloe.
Commercials. Xbox presents Fable: "That's cool. We didn't think you had a life anyway."
Kent home. We're in the little-seen Kent bathroom, which actually has a very nice faux-finish paint job I covet. Clark is in the shower. It's not a see-through curtain, exactly, but we can make out his silhouette. Lois walks in without knocking. Her hair is wet, and she's wearing a big red plaid shirt. She dries her hair in the mirror and starts talking, making Clark jump in the shower. "Nothing like a little North by Northwest action to get the blood pumping, huh?" she asks. Jaunty little music plays through the scene. Clark peeks over the curtain to look at Lois's ass. She's not wearing any pants. "We usually take turns in the bathroom!" Clark says. "Don’t start with me, Smallville," she says. "You're the one taking the marathon shower." Yes, let's think about that, shall we? If Clark can do everything else so fast, why can't he shower quickly? What's he doing in there, exactly, that takes so long? I think Clark's been going a little Lester Burnham on us. Lois, brushing her hair, says that her delicate sensibilities weren't offended the first time she saw "Clark Jr." Hee. That was a good one. Clark is really not enjoying this one bit. Poor guy. Clark tells Lois that his parents weren't exactly part of the Woodstock movement. For one thing, they were about twenty years too young for that. Clark mentions the last time he was caught in a co-ed situation. Lois plays with her wet hair and seems pleased that the "Eagle Scout" has a few secrets "in his closet." Man, Lois, if you only knew about this guy's closet. Clark wraps a towel around his lower self and scoots out of the shower. "That's my shirt!" he says when he gets out. Lois says it's the only clean one she could find. Clark tries to move past her, but she gets in his way. She asks him to keep that morning's military exercise a secret. As flirty as she's been, she doesn't really seem to be trying to get any under-the-towel action going with Clark. Clark finally does get past her and moves toward the bathroom door while trying to say sarcastically that he's not the one who talks a lot and would reveal their secret. It doesn't really come across that sharply. Clark opens the door. MamaKent! She's got fresh towels. Clark: "Mom. You're home." MamaKent confirms this with a nod. "Hi, Mrs. Kent," says Lois, popping up over Clark's bare shoulder. MamaKent's jaw drops. Lois smiles like the Cheshire Cat while Clark takes the road less smooth. Maybe I just didn't date enough before I committed, but I never met any girls who went out of their way to make my mom think they were rampaging sluts.
Paris. Unless they built a full-scale Eiffel Tower and surrounding cityscape somewhere else in the world. We're looking at the Sharpie tattoo on the lower part of Lana's back. Technically, it's the small of her back, but since her biological dad was Henry Small, that could be anywhere on up to 50% of her body. The "tattoo" has got two balls, two black spots on the far ends, and a curvy shaft running between the balls. I see nothing gay about this whatsoever. Aw, who am I kidding? It's the Gayest Tattoo of the Episode. We pull back to show Lana looking through photos on her computer. Lana must not have many snapshots to go through, because they seem to cover her life from age six to last year in about four photos. Lana has a photo of Clark with a backpack slung over his shoulder. He's standing in the Caves of Contrivance, to a symbol similar to the one on her back. Lana zooms in on the symbol. Yep. I'd know that shaft anywhere. Just to underline it some more, Lana stands up and backs that (flat) ass up to a long mirror that was previously in the bathroom. Lana's wearing a blouse with no back, the better to inscribe with Sharpie. Mysterious music plays. Lana's back just blew her mind.
Kent Farm. No cow shots today. MamaKent and Bo Duke are looking at Lois and Clark as if they just flayed a baby and cooked the parts in barbecue sauce. Mmmm Chili's. Lois says she doesn't see what the big deal is. They just took a shower. "Showers," Clark corrects, emphasizing the plural form. "At noon?" MamaKent asks. Hasn't she ever heard of a nooner? Lois tries to come up with a lie, but Clark says they went to Chloe's safe house. Lois gives Clark the female version of That Look. Bo is sucking on a mint or something. Clark says that some dudes chased them to a corn field. He says there was dirt. In a corn field? Whoa! Bo wiggles forward, with his arms still crossed. He says that's a federal crime scene. He says that the last thing they want is for the kids to get involved with the FBI. Is it because of Iraq? I bet it's because of Iraq. Lois says that they don't have to worry about it since the helicopter is face-first in the middle of the field. Did Lois hear what she just said? Clark gives his own version of That Look, but with a little more jet lag than Lois did. MamaKent still can't believe this is happening. She's wondering if she wasn't better off with Clark off in a cave and her husband in a coma. Lois says their "non-verbals" are killing her, so she offers to let them deal with their family issues in private. She goes upstairs, giving Clark a sarcastic "Way to go" as she passes. Clark wants to kick her ass. That ass is now wearing jeans in addition to Clark's red plaid shirt. Bo waits for Lois to leave. Bo asks Clark to tell him he didn't crash that helicopter. Define "crash."
U.S. Penitentiary. I'll never understand why the government would pay someone to landscape and put pretty flowers around a granite sign that reads "U.S. Penitentiary." Who goes there and says, "Well, Uncle Floyd got raped and stabbed and he won't be out for eighty years, but did you see the flowers outside? Such a nice prison they have out there!" There should be like human skulls and gargoyles on that sign. Look for this and other ideas for improving the government in my new book, Omar Explains it All, and Fuck Clarissa, by the Way. Inside the prison with the nice flowers, Papa Luthor is getting measured for a snazzy suit. This is how few suits I've had in my life: when I went to Paris and saw suits like that on the racks with the white dotted lines on them, I thought the suits were accidentally made inside-out. "Waste of a new suit, isn't it, Dad?" Lex asks, from beyond Papa Luthor's cage. Papa Luthor disagrees. He says that even if Chloe were alive to testify against him, the jury would still find him not guilty. Papa Luthor says he's sorry. Lex asks if it's because he killed a bright young woman who got in his way. Well, yeah, but other stuff too. Papa Luthor apologizes for Lex's not seeing the consequences of his actions when he betrayed his father. I think you're looking for a different word than "apology." Maybe "blame," or "project," or "interpersonally editorialize." Lex asks his father to can it with the threats already. Papa Luthor leaves the tailor and the mirror to approach Lex by the edge of the cage. The tailor is like, "Well...I'll just wait over here, then. With the needle and thread." Papa Luthor mentions all the tests he put Lex through to make him stronger. He says that, this time, it's different: Lex will never know when "It" will happen, but "It" will happen. They're remaking the Stephen King miniseries? Oh, crapsticks! Papa Luthor says that every swig of wine Lex takes, every key he turns, every friend he makes... "I'll be watching you"? Also, Lex won't have another moment's peace. That's cold, even for a Magnificent Bastard. Lex shits his pants. Metaphorically speaking. I think.
Cut to Lex pouring himself a glass of what looks like Welch's grape juice from a decanter. Yeah, I'm thinking that if I almost died of brandy poisoning, I'd be drinking everything straight from sealed aluminum cans or right out of the unopened new two-liter bottle. A woman in black walks in. It's Lana. As if Lex's day couldn't get any worse. "You look great," Lex says. Lana doesn't return the compliment. They hug with dual "hey"s. Lex says that, from her message, he couldn't tell if she was visiting or staying for good. "For a while," Lana says. All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Lana says that Paris just wasn't for her. Lex mocks her, saying that Lana just must not be into late-night jazz clubs and walks along the Seine. He all but scores her tickets to week's Truck and Tractor Pull. Lana and Lex sit. She says she felt that something was calling her home. Like, say, a five-year acting contract. "A little cryptic, but I'll take it," Lex says. Hmm, that's exactly what he was thinking when he met Clark. Lex mentions that Clark just resurfaced, too. That really shouldn't mean anything to Lana, should it? How would she know what's been going on in town? Unless she's reading the Smallville Ledger, which incidentally is only doing one article a week now. Guess those lower ratings aren't translating into any additional online dollars, huh WB? Lana, in her mitten-handed way, snarks, "Funny, I don't remember asking about Clark." We don't remember asking you back to town, beeyatch. Lana says she saw that The Talon was boarded up. She asks if Lex hasn't sold it by now. Lex says he had trouble letting it go. He asks if Lana's in the market for a partner. Lana says she isn't. But she wants to rent the apartment. And drink lots and lots of coffee alone. I just noticed that they've been using a lot less alt-crap music this season so far. At least in scenes where people aren't kissing or swooning over each other.
Kent Farm. Clark is on the leather living-room couch (mooo!), lying on a blue blanket. He isn't wearing a shirt. It's morning, and Lois, tote bag slung on her shoulder, is sneaking out past him. Clark stirs in his sleep. Lois gives him a last look, then walks out the front door, which wasn't locked. Clark dreams about simpler times when all he had to do was throw a Kryptofreak thirty feet each week.
The grave of Chloe Sullivan. Somebody's digging it up. Somebody with a female grunt. Somebody named Lois Lane. Now, dear readers, I don't know much about grave-robbing. I've only done it two, three times in my whole life. But I do know that when you're going to rob a grave, you don't do it in full daylight and wearing your normal clothes. You need the cover of night. And a ski mask. And some unscrupulous henchmen. Lois is showing a disturbing Lana-like lack of common sense here, and it does not bode well for the future. Lois pauses from her early-morning grave spelunking to look around. Gee, I hope there's nobody visiting the graveyard during the day in a town that's lost a vast number of its young people over the last three years. Lois tells the grave that she hopes Clark is right, or this is going to be pretty ugly. She calls Chloe "Chlo." I'm not ready to go with the "Chlo." Man, this graveyard is ugly. Nobody can afford fake grass? Lois goes to her knees and pushes dirt aside from the top of Chloe's coffin. She closes her eyes and opens the coffin, which isn't latched or sealed or anything. The writers on Six Feet Under would be so fired if they tried to pull a scene off like this. The coffin, except for a few clods of dirt, is empty. "He was right," Lois says, breathing hard. She closes the coffin and congratulates herself on a grave digging well done.
"Where's Chloe Sullivan?" somebody asks, outside the hole. "Who the hell are you?" Lois asks. Who the hell are you, digging up someone's grave, missy? "You'd better tell me where she is," says the young and unconvincing tough. He's got a long brown trench coat and a close-cropped head. He looks like a thinner Private Pyle from Full Metal Jacket. Lois gets out of the grave quickly and pulls out an aerosol can from her bag. Lois tells the dude that the "posse" couldn't get her the first time, so the boss must have sent this guy. "You can both kiss my ass," she says casually. Private Pyle Lite just stands there, but his arm turns into a liquid metal spike. That's right. We're going to the Terminator 2 well, and the water tastes a little stale. Private Pyle swings his big fake-looking metal spike at Lois and knocks her down instead of just stabbing her through the stomach. She drops her can of mace. Instead of clobbering her in the head, Private Pyle Lite cracks a gravestone. My Aunt Bernice! You bastard! He's about to try to skewer Lois when Pyle gets whacked on the head by a shovel. There are sparks, even. Pyle turns. It's Lana, and she's got the can of mace. She sprays it in his eyes. A shovel to the head doesn't faze him, but mace does the trick. He screams and falls. Lana goes to Lois and helps her up. Even though they're still facing him, the two of them don't notice when Pyle just up and disappears. Oh, those wily show editors! Lois asks where he went, and calls him a "medieval psychopath." Lana says you'd have to be to dig up a grave in the middle of the day. Er, Lana? Lois is the one with all the dirt on her. Lois admits her digging to Lana. Lois tells Lana it's her cousin's grave. "Lois Lane," she says by way of introduction. Lana hesitates, then shakes her hand. "Lana Lang," she answers. Chimes play for no good goddamn reason except to annoy me.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Clark is doing some vehicle work on a tractor. A black SUV pulls up. Clark puts his wrench away shamefully, as if he were killing possums with it. He wipes his hands on a rag. Lana emerges. "Lana!" Clark says, "you're back." Yeah, and it has a tattoo on it. Lana says hi in a way meant to convey that Lana doesn't really want to see him, but actually conveys that Lana maybe should be wearing her glasses right now and can't focus on anything in front of her. Lois also comes around. "How did you two --" Clark begins. Lana says they just met. Lois fills in a few sketchy details about a "Ginsu Boy" who attacked her at Chloe's grave. Lana says that if Chloe's still alive, she wants to help find her. Clark walks about one foot, but far enough for the camera to do a full spin around him. He says they don't know anything for sure. That's especially true of Clark himself. Clark says Lana's back from Paris, so that must mean she found what she was looking for. Lois opens her mouth and this comes out: "I'll say. Who wouldn't want a hot summer fling in the most romantic city on earth?" Urp. Lana sputters that she was going to tell Clark. Why? Why would she have to? Goddammit, Lana, stop being such a damn wishy washy emotional sponge! Clark says it's all right. Lois hilariously says, "Really?" while squinting at Clark and Lana. "You two." Clark and Lana exchange lines about how they never really...not really...had a thing...it's complicated. Not really. It was just long and boring. Lana and Clark stare at each other for about five hours. When her eye sockets have completely dried out, Lana decides to go. "The awkward tension is just getting started!" Lois announces, and then winces. Lana gets into her SUV and leaves. Lois says, "Really crashed and burned on that one." Clark says that must be a daily ritual for her. Er, I think she was talking about you, Clark. Lois says that's only true when she's barreling into a train wreck. Is that what we're calling the Clark-Lana stuff now? I couldn’t agree more. Only train wrecks happen a lot faster and with a lot less suffering for those watching.
The Barnness of Would-that-there- was-Solitude. Lois says that she and Clark need to do some investigating: LuthorCorp paid for Choe's funeral. How did the major media outlets miss that? Oh yeah. They're only doing one story a week now. As they walk upstairs to the highest level of this multi-story barn, Lois asks why someone would bury an empty casket. She's never been to New Jersey, huh? Lois keeps asking Clark questions. Clark is in zombie mode. He turns. Huh? Wuzzat? It seems that Chloevage runs in Lois's family. "Wow. She didn't take any prisoners, did she?" Lois asks about Lana. Clark makes a few faces. "Lana: cute. Smart. Gutsy. And way too much for you to handle," Lois says. Way to try to make us hate Lois, guys. Lois says she can see why Clark is in love with Lana. WHY!?!? Why, God, WHY!?!?!? The more we resist Lana, the further she gets pushed down our throats to convince us that we're wrong about how bad a character she is. Guess what. We're not wrong. We haven't been wrong for three seasons. Why would we start liking her now just because Lois Lane says she's gutsy? Bad move here. Very bad move. Clark says that Lois isn't the person he wants to talk to about this. Lois relents, and goes to whip out her laptop. Clark take a long pause, and then spills his guts anyway. "It's just..." Clark begins. He knew Lana would be dating other people, but he doesn't feel like he knows everything about her anymore. Lois keeps finishing his sentences. Clark gets annoyed. "Well, am I right?" Lois asks. Clark doesn't get to answer. We see flashing lights as a helicopter storms the barn. Clark heads toward the window. Closed captioning says that somebody yells, "Stay right where you are!," but we don't hear it. Lois grabs Clark to lead him downstairs, but before they can make it, they're stopped by IRONSIDE! IRONSIDE! approaches Clark. He's so awesome. "Hi, Daddy," Lois says. She smiles and cocks her head at Clark. This is about as good as we get as far as dramatic revelations these days, people.
Commercials. "Charrrrmed." Ha! Pirate jokes never get old.
IRONSIDE! and Lois are walking out the barn. He's got the obligatory cigar. He's kicking ass, verbally. He's exactly the kind of general we had in mind when my brother and I came up with General Bastid. Cigar-chomping generals rule. IRONSIDE! is telling Lois that he thought they agreed she wouldn't go to Chloe's crime scene. Lois counters that he's supposed to be at the Pentagon. He got reassigned to Fort Ryan to oversee some maneuvers. Mostly triple-axels and Salchows. Lois says he's there to keep an eye on her. "Drop it, Lo," he says. This family's got a thing for shortening two-syllable names. Lois has intuited that he wouldn't be calling out "the birds" just for her missing dinner. IRONSIDE!, a military general, just got schooled by his own daughter.
Inside the Kent Kitchen. MamaKent is setting the table with some very lovely blue dishes. Clark is mad that his parents invited IRONSIDE! to dinner. Did they remodel the kitchen? Bo Duke is having goosebumps that they get to invite a three-star general over. It's a farmboy fantasy. IRONSIDE! growls that this is some place they've got here as he walks in. Bo Duke gets a stiffy. MamaKent too. IRONSIDE! thanks them for keeping an eye on "my little Lo." He offers Bo Duke a "Chavelo," which I think is some sort of military Shiatsu massage. Wait, it's a fine cigar. With USA tobacco. Gross. Bo really wants it, but he resists. "My heart isn't exactly what it used to be," Bo says. Speak for the show, why don't you? IRONSIDE! has to take a rain check on their hospitality. MamaKent says he's welcome anytime. Word. Come back, IRONSIDE! And don't die! IRONSIDE! tells "Lo" to double-time it. She does, but over to Clark to give him a hug. "This is about Chloe," she stage-whispers to him. She asks Clark to find a connection to LuthorCorp. IRONSIDE! and Lois leave. Clark gives Bo a look that means absolutely nothing to me.
Flight Simulator: Busted Door Edition 2004. There's a slightly-better-than-wireframe simulation of the airplane incident from the last episode being shown on a huge screen over at Lex's castle. A guy in a suit is standing to Lex, also watching the sim. He says he was assigned to the accident in Jakarta, and to the shuttle disaster. Er, which ones? Lex says, "Impressive." Wouldn't Lex know this guy's résumé before he brought him in? Lex asks the guy how a door rips off a jet at 20,000 feet. Bad hinges? The expert says they found no residue of explosives. He says that all evidence points toward the door's being pulled off from outside by manual force. Lex asks if the guy is trying to tell him this happened from outside Lex's jet. That's exactly what he said, Lex. Weren't you listening?
Someone walks in. It's Clark, wearing what looks like the same shirt Lois had on earlier. Why does Clark get to walk in and interrupt Lex's very important meeting? Lex asks the agent to excuse them. The agent leaves the room by some back exit. "Does this mean you're talking to me again?" Lex asks after he turns off the airplane projection. Dickishly, Clark says, "Only because I don't have a choice." Lex says he'll have to accept being relegated from friend to last resort. Lex should totally kick Clark's ass out of his house. And release the hounds on him. Lex takes it instead as a chance to prove himself. I really hate Clark right now. "Good," Clark says. "I want you to help find Chloe." Lex says that raising someone from the dead is raising the bar a little high. Why? Your dad did it. Clark says that Chloe's not in her grave. Lex looks away. Clark guesses that Lex had investigators all over that area. He asks what they found. Lex says he pulled some strings so that the FBI wouldn't release all the morbid details. Lex says that the explosion blew out an entire acre, and that the reason the coffin is empty is that there wasn't anything of Chloe left. Ouch. The wind has been sucked out of Clark's sails. But that's about it. Clark looks over to Lex's desk and sees a crappy American cigar in the ashtray. IRONSIDE! Also, freshly sliced lemons, for whatever reason. Clark moves his eyes to Lex. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" Clark says telepathically to Lex. Are there any more cigars around? It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. "I'm sorry, Clark," Lex says. No cigar for you. Clark leaves without saying another word. Lex watches Clark leave. Mmmm, assy.
Here's where I got a little freaked out. Papa Luthor is taking a shower in prison, which is not always the best move, as we all know. The music that's playing is a version of the Flower Duet from the opera Lakmé, music I coincidentally use in a sketch where I dress up as a head lice (louse? ["yes" -- Wing Chun]) with tights, antennae, and several extra arms. That music is completely ingrained in my head. I may have to get up and dance here in a minute. Anyway, Papa Luthor is taking a hot steamy shower in a very wide-open area. He's getting Zestfully clean. We almost see his Li'l Bastard as the camera comes down from overhead. A guard turns away as Papa Luthor tries to let him peek at the pecker. Papa Luthor turns in slow motion. The music skips clumsily as the editing tries to get to a later part in the song. The guard is gone. Someone comes up from behind Papa Luthor and stabs him in the side. Now, get this. Papa Luthor is showering. The water is still on. But he's wearing a white towel. Is he a Never-Nude or something? Oh, wait, my bad. It's the guy stabbing Papa Luthor, a tough guy with tattoos, wearing the towel. The guy takes off. Papa Luthor gasps like a fish on the ground. He touches the nasty slit on his torso. The music finishes off as Papa Luthor continues gasping and bleeding in slow motion in the wet floor. And for this scene, we owe Oz a huge debt of gratitude. However: "That's a wussy stab," my wife says. We're Mexican-American. We know from stabbing.
A makeshift military base. Inside a dark office, a box of Chavelo cigars and a nameplate that reads "Gen. Sam Lane." Somebody's rifling through his files. There's an empty coffee cup and a photo of IRONSIDE!, a wifey lady, and a young girl she's carrying. IRONSIDE! is making rabbit teeth in the photo. Lois is the sneaking person. She's going through a file cabinet and getting frustrated. Clark catches her. Clark says that since her dad has a yard full of tanks out there, she shouldn't be doing this. He's going to shoot his daughter with a tank? Lois is a little impressed that "Smallville" snuck onto the base undetected. She asks what he's doing there. Clark says he thinks Lois's dad is working with Lex Luthor. He mentions the cigar at Lex's lair. "I knew it!" Lois says. She says she can handle her dad. She says that if Clark thinks the helicopter bit was extreme, he should have seen her prom escort. "Wow, and I thought my father was overprotective," Clark mutters. Lois smiles that when he lost Lois's mom, IRONSIDE! kind of cracked, and now he worries about losing her too. Awwww, IRONSIDE! Lois says she can talk about her mom. The woman died when Lois was six. Do we know how old Lois is supposed to be? Clark says he's sorry. Lois: "Don't be. Unless you're the one who got her hooked on cigarettes behind the gym in high school." Maybe Papa Luthor is to blame for that one. Clark has no idea what to say. Lois gives him a file and tells him to make himself useful. Clark finds what he's looking for in roughly three seconds with no superpowers. He sees a visitor's log that has the name "Nellie Blye." (The show spells it wrong, by the way. It's "Nellie Bly.") Lois thinks it's cool that, after fifteen years, her dad is getting some action. "She died nearly eighty years ago," Clark says. Lois says that her dad has been taking R&R with her at least once a week. Ew. IRONSIDE! is a corpse-fucker! Clark says that Nellie Bly was one of the first female undercover reporters and a hero of Chloe's. Lois flips through a log. She's at 2348 Walnut Street. Clark zips out of the room. "Clark?" Lois asks. Get used to it.
Clark zips down the road.
Clark reaches that address. He must have SuperMapQuest abilities. It's a house with the front door already open. Inside, a green laptop is playing a bouncy love song. Clark looks around. The back door is open, too. On the wall is a mini version of the Wall of Weird. "Chloe?" Clark calls. The camera pans around. Blood stain on the floor. Blood stain near a doorknob. The song continues to play, spookily. Instead of doing X-ray vision to see if there's danger on the other side of the door, Clark just bursts through. Two agents in suits lie dead, shot. Clark looks up. Lex is standing in the doorway. Wouldn't Lex have seen Clark superzipping over to this house? Lex looks sad.
Commercials. Listerine. Rinse out your filthy mouth.
Penitentiary. Papa Luthor lies inside on a hospital stretcher with a bright light pointed at his right nipple. Are those three small bottles of lubricant by his bedside? Yow. "You were right, Mr. Luthor. Lex's men led me right to her," says a voice as a person approaches Papa. Papa Luthor wakes right up. The Closed Captioning says that the voice tells him he was led to "the Sullivan chick." Guess they went more formal with it. Papa Luthor asks whether this guy has done what he asked. "No. I've kinda had a change of heart," he says. It's Private Pyle Lite, showing no personality whatsoever. I never thought I'd miss Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Pyle says that since he had to kill two men, the price has doubled. Papa Luthor says that was a foolish decision. Pyle leans in, squinting. Papa says that Pyle has a gift, but that his pride is what landed him in Belle Reve in the first place. Pyle gets annoyed. He turns a finger into a poker and points it at Papa Luthor's face. What are you going to do, stab him again? You should have gotten in line in the shower. Papa Luthor touches his hand, and the poker goes down. Seems a bit counter-intuitive there. Papa Luthor smooth-talks him with empathy. Papa Luthor says he accepts Pyle for the man he is. Pyle looks conflicted. "I don't care," he says finally. Papa Luthor says he does. Papa says that Pyle just wants to be normal. Papa wants to help with that. He won't be free if Chloe testifies the day. She's alive! But we already knew that.
At the not-so-safe safe house, Clark is eyeing the mini Wall of Weird while Lex tries to make phone calls to track down Chloe. Lex finishes, and then tells Clark he was trying to protect Chloe. Clark says that Lex had a tracking bracelet on her wrist, so he couldn't have thought she was too safe. Clark approaches Lex and says, looking Lex right in the eye, that Lex lied to him. Isn't that par for the course for you, too, Big Dumb Alien? Lex says he was trying to do the right thing. "Even if that costs Chloe's life," Clark tells him. Lex says that if it wasn't for him, Chloe would have died.
Flashback in overexposed film to Chloe walking into the safe house with her dad. In a voice-over, Lex says that he felt responsible for Chloe. Lex says that he had agents watching the house. They found a device set to detonate in the house. Papa Luthor had hired someone to blow it up. We see two agents grab Chloe and her dad and lead them into the house in slow motion. They're led to an open basement Lex says that there were tunnels under the house left over from the Underground Railroad. The...the WHAT? The government is using a safe house with tunnels under it and isn't aware they exist? It's a safe house where anybody with access to that tunnel could come in and kill whomever's there? Nice job, FBI! Lex is still talking: he says that seconds after Chloe and her dad entered the house, they were led to the tunnels. Didn't the explosion happen thesecondthe door closed? Ah, revisionism. We see the house blowing up now. We go back to Lex telling Clark that the cops never found the tunnels. "And Sam Lane?" Clark asks. Lex says he didn't trust the FBI, so he found someone who could engineer the rescue. Lex's PDA rings. He doesn't answer it, but can still read it, apparently. "She's at the old foundry," Lex says. Lex says he'll have people over there in minutes. We hear Clark's signature "whoosh" as Lex tries to get the general on the phone. Lex turns. Clark is gone.
The old foundry. It can't be too old, because there's smoke coming out of the stacks. Inside, sparks are flying, and Chloe is hanging from a big meat hook. "No, Ms. Sullivan, I expect you to die!" Really, what's with the elaborate hook mechanism? Wouldn't whomever's holding Chloe just kill her so she doesn't testify? Apparently nobody's guarding her either. Chloe, who has blood on her head and is duct taped about the mouth, struggles and is able to lower herself from a hook by pressing an industrial button that lowers her from the air. Seriously, who's holding Chloe here? What the fuck is going on? Why aren't they watching her? We're suddenly in the Makes No Sense Zone.
Chloe frees herself from the hook and starts looking around for an escape. Someone grabs her by the neck. It's Private Pyle Lite. He chokes Chloe. His hand turns to a metal grip. It doesn't take much to break someone's trachea. Apparently he's just toying with Chloe at this point. Pyle's hand comically turns into a square robot hand. He's Optimus Pyle! Chloe is still being choked when we see the reflection of Clark's face against the flat shiny metal limb. Clark grabs Pyle and throws him more than thirty feet through some cardboard/metal pipes. As a windmill-style light device backlights Clark, he walks over to finish the job. I hate to harp on the closed captioning again, but they have Clark asking the guy if he's working for Papa Luthor. In this version, Clark just walks over and they start fighting. Pyle swings his metal arm. Clark blocks and parries. Clark punches the guy and goes right through him in liquid metal fashion. Seen it. Like ten years ago. Pyle reassembles, clothes and all. Clark turns. Pyle is about to stab him. Instead, he gets electrified from behind. Hey, he's got a metal face! It's Destro! Pyle is being shot by Lois Lane, who is holding one of those cool electric rifles. Clark eyejaculates as Pyle turns, catching him in the back with heat. The electricity and heat combo makes Pyle explode into tiny liquid metal globules. The globules land in some conveniently placed molten magma. Lois asks what the hell that was, and mentions that Chloe always told her the town was weird. Not if you've seen enough movies. "I don't know how you ever survived without me," Lois says to Clark. It's a bit annoying. Lois and Clark ask each other how they each got there. Nobody answers. They find Chloe on the floor, still hand-tied. Chloe laughs in relief and hugs Clark. Clark says he was afraid he'd lost her. Chloe grabs on tight and cries. She touches Clark's face. She notices Lois. They hug tight, too. Lois says she's putting the worst two months of her life behind her. Chloe cries some more and laughs sweetly. It's all right to get a little choked up here, since Chloe is so emotional, and we missed her. Lois says, "I'm so glad I found you." "'I'?" Clark asks. Clark is a douche, but we already knew that, too. Chloe says she'd really like to get out of here. Clark agrees: "Let's get you out of here." Yeah. What she said. Chloe says that, in court, she's going to kick Lionel Luthor's butt. It's all right to say "ass," Chloe. Your cousin does it all the time.
Commercials. A new Hilary Duff movie! I could not have foreseen that. Studio executives are hella smart.
Kent Farm. Someone's reading The Daily Planet. The front page shows Papa Luthor holding up his hands. They're in cuffs. "GUILTY!" the headline reads. "Jury returns verdict in high-profile case," the subhead says, with a byline of "Perry White." Wish we could have seen him reporting. Or the trial, for that matter. Bo Duke, reading the paper at the dinner table, says it's good to know there are some things even Papa Luthor can't buy his way out of. "Thanks to Chloe," Clark mutters. Bo puts his paper down and says that as much as he hates to admit it, Lex contributed too. Bo says that Lex made good on his promise to protect Chloe. Clark, drinking milk, points out that Lex got control of LuthorCorp out of it. Clark says it's going to take more than this for him to trust Lex again. The parents love Lex and Clark shuns him? I'm not liking this Bizarro World version of Smallville. MamaKent points out that Lex has been surrounded by inexplicable things since they met. You can't blame a guy for wanting the truth, right? Apparently, Clark can. Clark says the truth is Lex has been lying to Clark from day one. SO HAVE YOU! Dumb-ass! Clark says that the cave walls warned him that he'd have an enemy. Clark says he was so worried about Papa Luthor that he never considered the enemy right be right in front of him. And under him. And on top of him. But mostly, behind him. "I think it's Lex," Clarks says. Yawn.
The Caves of Contrivances. The new Frenchified Lana Lang is swinging a flashlight around. She's looking at cave drawings. "Oh, look! That one says I was gonna go to Paris and meet a cute boy! And this other one says that I should have bought more makeup at the Printemps store!" Clark, wielding his own flashlight, finds her. "Lana," he says. He's right, for once. Clark asks what she's doing down there. "Probably the same thing you are," she says. Masturbating? She says it's peaceful. Not if you're masturbating. (Let's see if I can work that word in a third time here.) Clark says she's "2 for 2." He says she keeps showing up when he least expects her. She's like 0 for 5 billion in my book. Lana says she's not trying to surprise him. Clark says he didn't expect to see her so soon. Lana's got some decent makeup on today, and earrings that complement her black clothes. Maybe it's finally the end of the Pink Era. Lana says that after all they'd been through (and all we've been through), she thought it would take longer for them to get over it. "Us?" Clark asks. Lana thinks Clark is dating Lois. Clark is pissed. "She's bossy. She's stuck-up. She's RUDE!" Lana looks at him like a puppy that just wet itself. "The best ones always start that way," Lana says. She knows this from her many years of experience as...what? Dr. Phil's assistant? A syndicated advice columnist? Someone who's had more than three boyfriends in her life? I demand to see your credentials in love, Lang. Clark's mouth twitches. His brain is working to try to figure it all out, but it's running on a twenty-watt bulb. Lana looks up and sees the symbol from her back on the cave wall. Luckily, it's a well-lit natural cavern. "Do you believe in destiny?" Lana asks. She moves creepily toward the cave wall as she asks the question. This is usually when a high-school boy says yes so he can get laid. "I don't want to," Clark says. Things were so much simpler when he was in the cave alone, masturbating. 3 for 3, bitches! "But you can't escape it, can you?" Lana asks. Maybe it can't escape you. Lana says that's the case even if you don't know your destiny yet. Clark asks what Lana's not telling him, and whether it has something to do with "this guy" she just met. Lana darts her eyes around. "No, no, no it doesn't," she says. Lotta "no"s. Got it. Lana apologizes that Clark found out the way he did. She would rather he walked in on them necking in a truck with homeboy's hand down her pants. That's low, Lana. She leaves. Clark looks like he's been punched in the gut. He looks up to the cave wall for comfort, but only sees his cave symbol having lower-torso sex with Lex's cave symbol. Clark decides to go back to masturbating. Ooh, 4 for 3!
Livin' in the penitentiary. Papa Luthor, wearing an orange jumpsuit, congratulates Lex. For the shiv'ing, I'm assuming. Papa reminds Lex of his saying: you shouldn't wound what you cannot kill. Papa Luthor looks toward the waiting cell block. It doesn't look very friendly. A cell door opens. Papa Luthor waits at the threshold and looks back at Lex. Lex says he wouldn't have missed this for the world. Papa Luthor enters the prison area, and convicts are on him immediately, checking out his cookies, as it were. He's gonna be a Magnificent Meat Puppet. Those extras must have gotten paid extra to look extra lascivious. Lex cracks a very amused smile.
The Talon at night. Lana is upstairs near the apartment door, throwing cardboard boxes over the railing. Music starts to play as Lana hears a noise from downstairs. We also hear the beginning of an acoustic version of that Maroon 5 song, "She Will be Loved." Oh. Gawd. Lana peeks downstairs. It's Jason, her Paris boyfriend, with a small bouquet of red roses. "Hi," he says. It's not exactly "You complete me," or holding up a boombox with "In Your Eyes," is it? Jason asks if he's freaking out Lana with the whole "Cary Grant moment." It's freaking me out. Dude, I don't even know you and I can already tell you that you're no Cary Grant. Lana comes down the stairs and asks what he's doing there. Holding flowers and comparing himself to Cary Grant. Couldn't you tell? Jason says he's giving her time. For sex. Lana takes the flowers and says they're beautiful. He pulls out a letter he says he found. "Jason, I went back home. I wish I had time to explain." That was Lana's goodbye? And he went after her? Surely the shitty way she brushed him off must have been some clue as to her undesirability as a mate. This guy must be as dumb as she is. "So, now you do," Jason tells her. Yeah, bitch, explain. Lana scoffs. She says she's sorry. For ditching him. She doesn't know what to say. How about "I suck"? "Sorry you flew all the way from Paris for this bag of dysfunction"? Jason says he tried to convince himself that this wasn't about him. He turns to go. Lana stops him. RUN! Dude, fucking RUN! Lana says she's not sorry to see him. Uh, thanks? She says he came all this way, and she wishes she had a better explanation. He asks if the explanation is for why she left or why she left him. "You know how I feel about you!" Lana says. You ditched him. What's he supposed to think? Lana says that hasn't changed. But, she says, she can't go back. He says he didn't come back to get her: "I came here to be with you." The song begins to drive the point home. "She will be loved! She will be loved!"
Al: You WILL love her! Right now! Eat it, Smallville fans!
Miles: Eat the Lana sausage! LOVE HER!
I think I'm going to throw up. Gah. Lana smiles and almost cries. "She will be loved! She will be loved!"
Al: Eat the pink, bitches! EEEEAAAAT IT!
Miles: Shove it, and stick it, and push it down your mouth! You LOVE her! She WILL be loved!
Maroon 5 singer: On behalf of my band, I'd really like to apologize for this. They told us this was going to be on Jack & Bobby. They fucked us, guys. Sorry.
Lana and Jason kiss. A lot. The song continues to drone, right to blackout. Remember those pieces of my soul the show was taking last week? I think it's all gone.
week: Kryp/Tuck. I like to think I'd have thought of that joke first if I'd had the opportunity.