"Kryp"/Sucks

S04E03

By Omar G

This week on Smallville! "Kryp/Tuck!" Or as many longtime viewers were yelling by episode's end, "Shit!"/"The Fuck!?"

We open on a large, breakaway "Smallville High -- Home of the Crows" banner, of the kind that football players run through. Do they have a name for those? Banner-rings? Break-throughs? Dambusters? "I'm Not Gay"s? The first guy out of a gate is our old pal Jocko Whitney. Hey! Isn't he dead? Wasn't he less blond? He's in "#14" and a letterman jacket, followed by other hooting football players, some of whom are old enough to have receding hairlines in their sophomore year of high school. Huh. I'm momentarily confused. Did Papa Luthor bring Jocko back to life? Ah, I see. A title card reads, "Freshman Year -- 2001." Remember the fall football season of 2001, right around September, when we were all celebrating and hooting and hollering just like this? Remember that? Man. Good times. Anyhoo, Clark and his Classic Neve Campbell haircut are standing around clapping at the macho procession. "You GO boys!" you can hear him think. Clark thinks loudly. Jocko gets up on a stand and addresses the smallish crowd with a bullhorn. "Whuggu fugoogoogah butter!" Jocko yells. Huh? Closed captioned translation: "Are we going to go to State this year?!" That depends. Which state? "Yeah!" the crowd of under fifty yells. Man, budget cuts for extras is a bitch. Jocko -- who looks about thirty-five instead of two years younger than when he died (HDTV: another bitch) -- asks the crowd who the state champions are going to be. Kansas State? "The Crows!" the crowd yells back. It's almost as if Jocko Whitney knew what the answers would be before he even asked the questions!

Jocko steps down from the platform and asks a "brave freshman" to step up. He asks which "stud" in the audience is a better quarterback than he. Hey, Clark is a stud! And he knows how to make passes at other men! He's good in the pocket! He's employed the shotgun formation before! I got a million of these, people. Maybe I should save a few. Clark looks around all sheepish. "Kent, how about it?" Jocko says, looking right at him. "Huh? Uh, that's okay," Clark says, embarrassed. Jocko asks if he's been too busy milking the cows to try out for the team. Is this before or after Clark met Lex? Because I can probably field that milking question. Jocko demands that Clark show some school spirit. He tosses Clark the football. Clark holds it like a precious carton of eggs. "Am I right?" Jocko says into the megaphone. He asks if Clark wants to take a shot at "the hottest freshman at Smallville High." Who, Jocko? Oh, no, he's talking about Lana Lang! She's sitting at the dunk tank. I know this because it says "DUNK TANK" in huge letters, in case you can't figure out why someone would be sitting on a platform above a narrow pool of water. "Come on, Clark!" Lana yells. We don't actually see her say that, so I'm guessing that was looped in. Clark looks to Lana, and the camera pans down to her green Kryptonite necklace.

Al: Pan lower! Lower, cameraman!
Miles: Don't cut away! Dammit! You're fired!

Clark, from about fifty feet away, feels the effect of the faraway necklace. If it truly affects him from that far, how was he ever able to share a classroom with Lana while she wore that necklace? Clark's hands shake on the football. "Just take your time," Lana advises. How about three seasons' worth of time in the rickety, beaten-up pick-up truck they called a relationship? Lana advises that Clark can do it. He rears back to throw. "Caw! Caw!" we hear. It's a girl in a goofy black crow mascot costume. She's carrying a basket of what appear to be Easter eggs. Is that Chloe? I really thought this was Chloe at first. "Crows! Woohoo Crows!" the costumed crow yells. Jocko goes over to the poor girl and tells everybody they're going to find out who the "lucky" freshman is this year. Mark Ruffalo Light (and a lot less attractive) comes forward to say it's probably the biggest loser, like every year. "Come on, take it off," he says to the Crow. Dude, you're talking to a mascot bird. Try not to get too sexual here. "Hey, leave her alone," Clark says half-heartedly. It sounds more like a little whine. Like, "Heeeeey! Knock it off, jeez, guys!" instead of a tough demand from the future Man of Steel. He's like the Boy of Bendy Plastic. The girl in the costume has been accosted by two football players. Lana looks concerned but, you'll notice, makes no move to get out of the dunk tank. Not Mark Ruffalo says that torching (or was that "torturing"?) the mascot is a Smallville tradition. No offence, but your traditions suck. He lifts the crow head from he mascot costume. The girl underneath has on Lisa Loeb glasses and has very exaggerated, visible-from-lunar-orbit pimples all over her face. "Scabby Abby!" the mean football player concludes. Huh. I kinda like it. The girl looks horrified. Not Mark Ruffalo holds up the head of the Crow and starts chanting "Scabby Abby! Scabby Abby!" Clark looks constipated. Some folks join in the chanting, but it's pretty weak. These kids would have made awful Nazis. Oh dear, Abby. Abby looks destroyed and runs away. She forgets her mascot head. Jocko ignores Clark and calls for the volunteer. Clark is sad, but we're not sure if it's over Abby or for missing the opportunity to dunk Lana. I'd be a lot sadder about the latter. I was going to call her Scabby, but that's just too cruel. How about something more elegant...like "Scabrous"? Scabrous runs around a van parked over by the buses and starts to cry. Why didn't they tell her that mascots were subject to ritualized humiliation? You know that major league baseball chicken? That dude gets gang-raped after every game. It's no way to live. Scabrous takes off her glasses and wipes her tears. Pop, pop, pop! She looks at herself in the reflection of the van. I'm not trying to say she's ugly, but...the van just did a rollover to avoid reflecting her face.

Cut to a Weird Science-like wireframe image of a female face. The text on screen reads, "Patient name: Abigail Fine, 2004 Program Initialization." Man, that girl is anything but Fine. "Poor Abby," a voice says, adding that it took three years, but that Abby finally let "Mommy" help her. The image zooms into the computer-generated eyes of the wireframe image. The wireframe fades into the actual face of Scabrous. Scabrous's mother, who is circling around the spooky exam table where Abby lies, says that she's not going to let her daughter waste her senior year like she did all the others. Abby is covered with what looks like a fishskin blanket. "You promise people will like me?" Scabrous asks pathetically. Scabrous's Mom -- uh, MamaScab -- promises that they will, just like they liked did SM. I heard everybody did her mom. She was like communal popcorn at a double feature. With extra butter! MamaScab goes over to a wall panel and pushes a button. She tells her daughter that everyone will love her once they see the real beauty inside. A gnarly-looking whole-body mold comes down from the ceiling. Prepare to mummify! MamaScab looks like she should be on The Young and the Restless. Scabrous winces as the scary device comes down. It's like a plastic cast with tons of sharp metal pokers. MamaScab says her daughter's going to have a senior year nobody will forget. The pokers come down and stab Scabrous right in the damn face in about fifteen different places. She's like a reverse-Pinhead from Hellraiser. Ow, ow, ow!

Opening credits. Chloe's back, but it's nothing to shout about: she's got fifth billing behind Jason Teague. Chloe, you really need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your agent.

We come back to the roar of a football crowd as a football sits in a sad patch of dying grass. An announcer says that the game is tied with five seconds left. A young "phenom" named Clark Kent is leading Metropolis University's big comeback. We pull back to reveal Clark, by himself, on the farm and having a little superstar fantasy. Clark steps back and, as the announcer says, throws a Hail Mary pass. It's a bullet, deep downfield. Clark's pass goes over some fences on a cloudy day. Clark superzips and catches his own pass. Amazing! Why don't we ever see Clark having more fun with his superpowers? He needs to stop being so goddamned mopey and start pulling some really great practical jokes. The Imaginary Meteors win. Clark's feeling pretty proud of himself, considering that there was nobody on defense. Clark notices an old tire tied to a tree. He passes the ball and gets it to sail right through the hole. Nope, sorry, guys. I don't have a joke here. "Nice arm, farmboy!" says Lois Lane, who is walking over from her jaunty little red convertible. I'd say that was a nice trade up from her old SUV. Lois asks about Clark's first game. "I'm not on the team," Clark says, looking a little embarrassed. Lois compliments Clark's arm (she didn't notice it when she was busy looking at his schlong) and says that's usually a "get out of geek free card." Clark says he doesn't consider himself a geek. Lois appears to be wearing a suit jacket made of bathrobe. She asks what Clark does see himself as. "An outsider, I guess," Clark says. Great cheekbones, chiseled physique, male-model looks? Yeah, I can see how Clark would feel so out in the cold in our harsh society. Lois sums up Clark's attitude by calling it a good recipe for wedgies. Hee. Clark sarcastically asks whether he told her how much he'd miss her.

Just then, a camouflage Humvee -- Lois's official dad escort mobile -- pulls up. "Daddy!" Lois says. Don't call him "Daddy"! Call him IRONSIDE! IRONSIDE!, grimacing as if he's had his blood substituted with baking soda, comes over while Lois belittles him. She asks if he doesn't have 3,000 guys to babysit. Well, it's 2,999 now that we sent one of our men to get the shit kicked out of him in Guantanamo Bay and we call it "nanny services" besides that, and...HEY! Lois says she knows she's late, but that she can still make it to campus for orientation. IRONSIDE! tells her to save herself a trip. "Met U." just cancelled her acceptance. Apparently, she didn't have enough credits to finish high school. Say WHAAAA!? Lois can't believe it. "Lo, you failed the last semester," IRONSIDE! tells her. Wouldn't Lois already know this? Wouldn't a concerned guidance counselor have poked her ass with a hot branding iron or something? Is this The Apathetic Universe here? My God, won't somebody please think of the children!? Clark laughs suddenly and inappropriately just as the news is sinking in for Lois. IRONSIDE! gives Clark a Glare of Meaty IRONSIDE! Death. If Clark wasn't super, he'd just melt into an agonizing puddle of goo. Clark stops laughing, perhaps sensing goo-doom. IRONSIDE! steps forward and tells Lois that he's sure Clark won't mind showing her around. "Around where?" Lois and Clark both ask in unison. Smallville High, of course! IRONSIDE! finally cracks a smile. He enjoys tart and implausible plot twists, too. IRONSIDE! isn't made of metal. Well, maybe just his heart. Clark hangs his head like, "Aw. Fuck!" Lois isn't too happy about it either.

Smallville High. It's a new season. In a burst of creativity, the banner creators have put up a new one that reads "WELCOME BACK!" Clever and economical! Lois and Chloe pull up to a nearby parking space in Lois's little convertible. Chloe tries to tell her that apart from a few annoyances (death, attempted rape, Jonathan Taylor Thomas), the school really isn't so bad. Lois complains that it's the varsity version of Dante's seventh ring. It sounds like Dante had almost as many rings as Mr. T. has gold chains. Chloe asks if Lois knows how many people would kill to relive their senior year of high school. Not counting Drew Barrymore? Lois clarifies that it's only a semester. She climbs out of the car. Whoa! Lois-based Chloevage! I would keep those away from sharp objects and small rooms. Chloe says that the only way Lois will complete five credits in one semester is to take an extracurricular. Like, say, writing for The Torch. Lois tells Chloe that the last thing she wants to be is a reporter. Chloe touts the good stuff: uncovering the truth and protecting the public. Lois says that it involves sticking your nose in other people's business. "Like I said, you'd be perfect!" Chloe charms. "It's gonna be great having you here!" Chloe tells her. What's with all the extra lines looped in this week? They really don't sound like they belong there.

Clark is walking down the hallway and spots a posterboard for football tryouts. Flying above a sea of hands is a blue-suited crow with a red cape. Revealed at last! Clark's costume idea comes from a goofy high-school hallway poster. "Hey! The new girl!" says some anonymous person in the hall. That's the cue for a new girl to walk in, wearing slutty clear-heeled shoes and a spotty pink dress made for...you know, those girls. She's a blonde and has that blank Elisha Cuthbert look. It's Scabrous! But now she's Scabrous Fabulous! All the football-team boys dig her milkshake. "Hi Clark," she says innocently as she walks by our "outsider." The football guys are like, "Why yes. I would most definitely hit that. Most indubitably!" Clark says, "...Abby?" It's now "Abigail." Or "Scabrous Fabulous" if you're nasty. Clark tries to be diplomatic with the "I almost didn't recognize you!" without ending the thought, "without a face full of pimples rendering all borrowed face towels a permanent proposition." She says that she spent a whole summer recovering. She hopes her locker is the only thing that stays the same this year. Ew, girl, your locker is ugly! You need to make that shit OVER! And your locker looks fat, too. Clark asks why she did the...uh... "change." Except she has to finish the thought for him. She says she decided she could spend another year being resentful, or she could do something about it. This episode brought to you by The Swan. The Swan: Proudly giving mentally unhealthy women unnatural-looking mouths with a whole new season. Scabrous Fabulous says that it's senior year. "It's our last chance," she says, a little desperately. If this show were just a little bit funnier, it would be Strangers With Candy. The football players continue to gawk unconvincingly. Pssst! I think they're gay. Pass it on.

Chloe and Lois walk by together. Chloe does a "Whoa!" to Lois and says that either Scabrous spent a summer at a silicone farm, or Chloe's been shopping at the wrong make-up counter. Seriously, folks? Scabrous Fabulous does not look fake. The script calls for everybody to talk about her as if she's Pamela Anderson or something, but she just looks clean and pretty, not fake and bulbous. I think they were just in a hurry on guest casting here. Lois asks if she's about seventeen. She says that's like messing with the batter before the cookies are baked. This, mind you, is coming from big-chested Lois. Chloe says that the world is nicer to prettier people and that it's her body and that she can do what she wants. Well, this is a switch. That explosion must have knocked some of the snark out of Chloe. Lois glares at Choe. "WHAT?!" Chloe asks. Lois is surprised that Chloe isn't outraged by a "nipped and tucked" "pod person." Clark walks right up and says he thinks Scabrous Fabulous looks great. Lois scoffs with a facial expression that is disturbingly similar to Dr. Cox's on Scrubs. "What a shocker," she says. Lois says that all of high school is a façade, with people trying to be what they're not. Was that the mission statement for this episode? Chloe says it sounds like Lois has her first article for The Torch. Lois agrees, but only if she gets extra credit. Apple polisher!

Lana, wearing an off-the-shoulder black blouse instead of the usual pink earmuffs, is walking down the hall holding a folded-up note written on loose-leaf paper with "Lana" on it. She walks to the appropriately labeled "Coach's Office" and steps inside. It's luvah-man Jason Teague. Lana giggles, and they kiss. Lana compliments Jason on sticking a note through the vent of her locker. Jason prides himself on being able to revert back to the fourth grade. I'm just gonna say it: I don't hate this guy. He seems like the kinda dude who would drive you home when you've had too much to drink or would kick somebody's ass if they were picking on a girl with massive pimples (unlike, say, certain Big, Dumb Aliens we know of). And, maybe I'm feeling generous this week or the cough medicine just kicked in, but I don't hate Lana with Jason. She seems nicer and sparklier and not all riddled with whispery angst like when she's with Clark. So, here's my idea, Al and Miles: spin that shit off. The Adventures of Lana and Jason, Sunday nights on The WB. What do you think? You could even cross it over with The Mountain and have it be The Adventures of Lana and Jason and Horny Ski-Lodge People. It's a goldmine, I tell you! Anyhoo, Lana says that if they get caught, you know, rubbing the rhubarb, she could get detention. I think it would be a scandal far greater than that. "I could get fired," Jason says, backing me up.

Someone knocks on the door. Jason and Lana break their embrace quickly. It's Clark. "Coach Teague!" he says. Lana gives Jason a freaked-out look. Clark introduces himself and they shake hands. He notices Lana and asks what she's doing there. Well, getting coached on the I-tongue formation, for one thing. Jason lies that the principal (Principal Asskick?) asked Lana to give him the grand tour. Lana is very amused. Lying turns her on, which explains her longtime attraction to Clark. Clark gives Lana the burning thigh sweats by telling her how awesome Jason is. He broke a record at Metropolis University and could have gone pro. So he's, what, about twenty-two or twenty-three? Lana's seventeen? Jason says smoothly that he's now a transfer to Kansas A&M, and that he broke his rotator cuff. I had to take my car in last week to get that fixed. "I guess we're lucky to have you here, Coach!" Lana says brightly. They're enjoying this way too much. Gotta admit, though: doing the flirty I don't-know-this-person thing when you're around someone else who doesn't know you're a couple is kinda fun. Jason corrects her: he's assistant coach. Some dude named "Quigley" is still going to be calling the plays. Unless he goes down under. Clark says he's not on the team. He's hoping to...try out. He says it like they're sending him to Iraq. "You look big enough, sure," Jason says, sizing Clark up. No sexual tension whatsoever on that line, there. Jason seems about as straight as Lex seems curved and crooked.

Quick cut to MamaKent and Bo Duke on the farm. Bo is standing to a tractor and he says, exasperated, "The Talon!" For a moment, I think he's talking about a giant bird that came and took down some farm machinery. MamaKent is telling Bo that Lex agreed to let her manage the coffee shop. While Lana is living upstairs in the apartment? And her son is getting his groove on with Lois Lane? All together now: AWK-ward! MamaKent says she's lucky to find a job at all. She doesn't exactly have a full résumé. Well, actually, wasn't she the personal assistant of a very powerful man just recently? I guess when he goes to jail for murder, you kinda have to take that one off your list. Bo says that if she's worried about money, they can go through the books and find somewhere else to cut. Like that school-lunch program or maybe universal healthcare. MamaKent says that they've been doing that for two months and there's no other way to get out from under their hospital bills. Damn you and your feeble ostrich heart, Bo Duke! MamaKent immediately says that she's not blaming him for, you know, having a massive heart attack. She just doesn't want to lose the farm. Bo's manly pride is wounded. He holds a wrench in his hand just in case he has to beat back the stinking tide of feminism that's finally come to roost at his home. MamaKent says that things are not bad right now. Bo has the farm and Clark's going to college year. (With double-digit SAT scores? Mmm, we'll see.) She says she needs something of her own. Slinging coffee to annoying teenagers over an alt-rock soundtrack? Dare to dream, MamaKent. "But why does it have to be with The Luthors?" Bo asks. Weren't you just saying last week how great Lex is? Whose side are you on, Baboon Valve? MamaKent says it's just coffee. Bo scoffs. But he relents. He said he knows she wants more than "this old farm." He says he won't be the one to stand in her way. MamaKent thanks him. He says, "You're welcome." Yes, thank you, Bo Duke, for letting your wife help you by paying off your hospital bills instead of letting them pull the plug a month into your coma. Thank you, Bo. You're so goddamn understanding.

Smallville High locker room. Jason asks Clark, who is already suited up in his red uniform, for a permission slip. Clark hands one over. He's asked what positions he's played. Just with Lex? Jeez, you got a copy of the Kama Sutra around anywhere? In football, though, Clark hasn't played at all. He says his dad wasn't too keen on the idea. Jason surmises that Bo Duke doesn't even know Clark is trying out. When it comes to defying fathers, Jason says, he's kind of a pro. Because in football, with the pro and high school and college and...I get it! Good one, Smallville! Subtle, yet tasty. Clark gulps. "I'm not doing this for him," he says. Jason preaches some wisdom. He says that a lot of people join the team so that people will look at them differently. He tells Clark that he has to change within himself for that to happen. Then he starts singing "You Gotta Be" by Des'Ree. "That's why I'm here," Clark says. Well, good. As long as you promise to be bad, bold, and wiser. Jason wants to see what Clark's got. Clark reverts to his time with Lex and thinks, "What, like right here? Just slap it on the bench? Man. This guy's fast!" Then he closes a locker, exiting my little joke, and goes out to the field.

The football field! Players run into a tackling dummy, and hop through some laid-out tires. The coach, who looks a bit like Billy Bob Thornton, tosses Clark a ball and tells him to prove something to them. Clark puts on his helmet and lines up. Jason has to point him toward the line of scrimmage. "Hut! Hut!" Clark calls as he hikes the ball. He's playing quarterback, but I think we can all see that Clark is a natural tight end. Clark does the thing you've seen in every lame movie about a rag-tag football team: he tosses the football and it hits the receiver so hard in the chest that he falls down. Only, since the ball arcs normally, the physics don't work at all. But whatever. Wonk, wonk, wonk. Jason and Clark are all smiles as the pumping alt-rock crap plays. Jason says that'll work, and tells everybody to line up. Many high-fives are exchanged.

The football dudes are staring at the girl they're still calling Scabby Abby. "They're fake, you know," one of them says. Nobody really cares. Nor do I, since it's obvious they're not. Homegirl has a normal chest; in fact it's downright modest for The WB. Yet, again, they're scripting it so it sounds like she's a silicone tart, when she just looks pretty normal. The football players all whistle and stare. The meanest of the lot says, "Are you kidding me?" He really needs to get some, and soon. Scabrous notices the guys staring and then runs away, arms going all over the place. This whole bit with the guys is really, really badly edited. The sound is going in ten different directions and none of it seems to match.

Scabrous at her locker. She now has a good-sized mirror sitting on the top shelf. She looks into it, happily, as she fixes her hair. The football player, Dick Butthead (he does bear an eerie resemblance to Butthead of Beavis and fame), suddenly appears at her locker and he's looking to score. He says he can't stop thinking about her. Ever since about twelve seconds ago. She asks if he's sure he's talking about the girl he used to call Scabby Abby. Ooh, a scabrous response! He says he totally deserved that. Well, she didn't. Dick Butthead says that if he'd been more patient and seen who she really was...oh, gag me with a prom corsage. He touches her chin creepily, and she bats her eyelashes. I'm just going to tell you now: I was really thinking she was going to get some vengeance Carrie-style, and that all of this was just her way of getting to that, but she really is stupid enough to fall for the guy who used to torment her the most. Stupid, stupid girl. Just as Dick calls Scabrous the most beautiful girl in the school, Lana Lang walks by carrying an armful of books to remind us who the real most beautiful girl in the school is supposed to be. No voting here. It's pre-ordained by the show Bible. Dick Butthead apologizes to Scabrous for being such a butthead. He asks if they can go somewhere a little more quiet than the empty school hallway. He keeps rubbing her chin, maybe to try to put some pimples there so that he'll remember what the old Abby looked like. She's just loving the attention. The two of them go off together.

Boys' locker room. Nudity! Lots of it. As sexy music plays, Dick and Scabrous start taking off their clothes in the shower room. You mean to tell me nobody is in the school right now? The wannabe sex scene here is pretty gratuitous, even for this network. The disrobing takes forever. Scabrous goes topless. They back into the shower knob and it goes off, spraying them both. She laughs, not reacting at all to what's probably super-hot or super-cold water. They go with it. He fingers her necklace and it breaks off. Rubbing, kissing, fondling. Just as they're kissing, some sort of black Venom-looking thing creeps from her mouth to his. She stops and asks if he felt something. He didn't. Scabrous grabs her sports bra and moves to leave. He reverts to a blue-balled version of his meaner self and complains that she's got a new face, but she's the same old Scabby. He comes after her as she's looking in the mirror. "Hey!" he says. Then he notices something in the mirror. "Oh my God," he says, "What's happening?" It goes on for hours and we can't see what's happening to him so it just makes the poor actor look completely ridiculous. "My face!" he says. Then we finally do see what he's looking at. His face looks like it's shriveling and blackening a bit around the mouth. Scary music plays. "What'd you do to me?!" he yells. His regular non-mirror face looks fine. Nevertheless, he's horrified and runs off. "Noooo! My face!" he yells.

Outside, Lois Lane is driving while talking on her cell phone. She's talking to an admissions office and complaining that she's in the creamed corn capital of the world. Just as they're about to put her on hold, over her protests, her car plows right into Dick Butthead. He rolls onto the hood and then falls into the street, bleeding. There appears to be a big patch of bad skin on his shoulder. Really, this doesn't get much explanation later, so let's just forget about it now.

Commercials. The Grudge! Looks scary!

We come back to the scene where Dick Butthead is being taken away in an ambulance and Lois Lane has just finished giving her statement to the police. Scabrous -- who's not looking all that enhanced with her wet hair and Smallville High sports bra -- watches the action. Clark, Town Investigator, comes by to see what's the matter. Shouldn't you have, like, saved the guy before he was hit? Isn't that what your theme song is all about? Lois tells Clark that she ran a guy over and that he'll be fine -- physically, at least. Lois tells him the police think the dude lost it. Clark says he saw him an hour before and he looked fine. Lois says that the pressure of being a football star might have gotten to him. Clark quickly dismisses that dim theory. Lois asks why the guy would run around half-naked and soaking wet. Smallville tradition? We see Scabrous again; she makes herself scarce.

The locker room again. There's a smallish black kid in a towel, and I think "Pete!" for a second. But it's not him. It'll probably never be him again. Lois walks right into the locker room with Clark. He tries to keep her out, saying she's missing a few "prerequisites" for being there. But doesn't she have a few to make up for it? Lois smiles and pushes out her chest. "So you have been checking me out!" she says brightly. Uh, Lois? A bunch of dudes in towels are gathering around you. Unless you'd like a quick new career change to amateur film star, I'd get back on track. Clark asks her to wait outside. Lois has got news fever. She says this is a juicier story than teen surgery. Dudes are still checking her out. Much schlongage abounds. Lois goes to the first guy in front of her and asks how well he knew Dick Butthead. "Not as well as I'd like to know you," he says. "Charming," Lois says. She keeps questioning him as Clark leaves the girl alone with a roomful of horny football players to go look for clues. "Oh, don't mind me, Clark. I'll just be getting gang-raped." Clark, with his "I'm looking for clues...I'm looking for clues" look, goes to the showers. He finds a "#87" jersey on the floor and Scabrous's necklace lying over the shower drain. Smell you, Nancy Drew!

The Talon. The marquee reads "Closed." Couldn't they have come up with something a little better than that? Like "Best uninhabited place in town," or "Get your own damn coffee, Smallville"? Inside, Lex unpacks a book from a mailed box. Lana comes downstairs and asks Lex if he makes a habit of going through other people's mail. Lex says it was addressed to The Talon, not to the center of the universe. The books in the box are about ancient symbols, like the one emblazoned on Lana's back. Lex asks about it. Lana says it's a school project. "It must be the same project Clark's always working on," Lex says slyly. Lex says that for two people so different, Clark and Lana have similar interests. On the cover of one of the books is a photo of a slab of stone bearing the symbol from Lana's back. Shafty! Lex wanders around, comparing himself to The Talon. He says that Lana believed in something everyone thought was beyond redemption. Lana likes this side of Lex and says he's almost nostalgic. Lex scoffs, but gives Lana a considering look. Aww, Lex. Wish we'd seen more of you this week.

Kent Farm. The cows, the cows! Bo stands on the front porch, watching them. No one else must ever have these cows. He'll kill them all before he'd let that happen. Clark comes up, porch-side. Bo congratulates him, without much warmth. Bo says that Clark made the football team. Clark says lamely that he won't hurt anyone, and that he knows how to control his abilities. Bo says that the person Clark will hurt is himself. Bo bitches that Clark will run just a little faster and throw a little harder to win every game. Bitter much? Clark says he won't cross the line of cheating. Bo says he won't be able to help it. In the heat of the moment, Bo says, you do whatever it takes to win: "That's football, son." Bo spits at Clark that it'll never be a fair competition. Clark fires back about what's fair. "What's the first thing you remember about high school when you think back?" he asks. Clark says it's football. Bo is like, "No, no, no...oh yeah." Clark says he wants that too, and that he's sick of begging for the same chances Bo had. "I want my own life," Clark says. "My own big, dumb life."

The rear of Lana. Somebody's scraping what looks like the end of some scissors against Lana's Magic Marker tattoo. Lana's lying on her stomach on MamaScab's exam table. Lana winces. MamaScab -- who looks like she'd be the most made-up thing in a double-wide trailer -- says she's not the first person with tattoo remorse. Ricardo Montalban had it, bad. MamaScab says Lana's the first to do it without ink. "WHAT?!" Lana whispers. MamaScab says the tattoo looks as if it were branded into Lana's skin. Lana puts on her jacket and asks if it can be removed. MamaScab plans to send it to a lab, but she thinks it might require a skin graft. Ouchie. Lana thinks, "Why me? I'm supposed to be perfect!" MamaScab asks if Lana knows her daughter. She says she never forgets a face: "Especially a perfect one like yours." See? Lana's perfect! Can't you all see!? Are you blind!? MamaScab says it must get Lana everything she wants. Five-year acting contract, second billing in the credits, a wholly unjustified amount of screen time. Just for instance. Scabrous walks in, looking disheveled, and sees her mom fondling Lana's face. Lana asks how Dick Butthead is doing since she saw the two of them in the hall. Lana's not discreet at all. Even if nothing had happened, do you really bring up something like that in front of someone's mom? Scabrous plays it off. Lana just decides to leave. Without paying. Scabrous tells her mom that she kissed a guy and he went insane. That's hormones for ya. MamaScab says that Scabrous was her first trial, and that there may have been complications. Scabrous is freaking out a bit. MamaScab remembers the boy as the one who scarred her daughter (emotionally) for life. She says that maybe he got what he deserved. I'd say a little bit less, actually. "Lana should, too," MamaScab says, suddenly turning on her client. MamaScab has already figured out that Lana might incriminate her daughter. She says they'll take everything away if they find out what the two of them have done. MamaScab says that without the treatments, Scabrous will revert right back to ugliness. Scabrous doesn't like the sound of this. MamaScab wants her daughter to do something for her. Like soft porn, maybe

High school at night. Jason has taken Lana into a room of the school she didn't know about before: the old drama room. He turns on the lights, and there's a disco ball and gorgeous stuff everywhere, including costumes on busts. Lana didn't know about this place? And isn't Jason risking getting fired? Oh, yeah. Contrivance! Nobody in the school knows about this place? Sure, that makes sense. It's the size of an auditorium. Lana and Jason tease about his new job. Jason says he'll have to get used to his team drooling over Lana. Oh, gag. "What about Clark?" he asks when Lana downplays that. Lana gets all conflicted and oogy. She asks how this became about Clark. Jason says Clark opened up to him earlier. Wish we could have seen that. Jason says that guys will be coming to him for advice like he's an adult. Maybe you should have sought employment in the food-service industry instead. Jason changes the subject; it's a late celebration of Lana's birthday. He puts a red blindfold on her. He asks her to stay put, and he's going to go get something. He leaves Lana completely alone and doesn't notice that somebody else is going to come in. And, guys, Jason is gone for a LONG time. Long enough for Scabrous to sneak in, go to Lana, and kiss her flush on the mouth.

Al: And we have liftoff!
Miles: Boy, do I have liftoff.
Al: Our greatest creation ever! Lesbian liplock! Take that, Lost!

Toxic imaginary mold goes from Scabrous's mouth to Lana's. Lana takes off her blindfold. "Huh? What? LESBIAN!" Scabrous says she's sorry. Lana notices herself in one of the room's many mirrors. She reacts with horror. Her face is turning into an ornate gold shavings tray. Scary music plays. Lana looks at another mirror, and her face is turning into that of a Bearded Lady. Gotta say it: Poetic justice. Lana turns to us, and her face is fine when not seen in a mirror. Scabrous looks like she might cry. She runs off. Lana falls. She knocks over a mirror, which falls at roughly a half mile per hour. Instead of moving like a sane person, Lana just holds up her hands and lets the mirror fall right on her. I would strongly suggest that she dodge, but I'd kinda like to see how this whole mirror-crushing-Lana thing plays out. Lana screams. The mirror falls and shatters on her. And Jason is...where? Lana lies on the floor bleeding. I can't say it's not a little bit fun.

Commercials. Taxi: Ignore it again for a second time.

Smallville Medical Center. Scene of my most tragic moments. Lana is bandaged up, and Jason is sitting at the edge of her hospital bed. He wonders if she can even hear him. Sure, getting a few cuts on your hand and face will definitely put you into a light coma. He starts telling his unconscious schmoopy how much she means to him. Unfortunately, Lex Luthor is standing in the doorway. Lex says that the polite thing for him to do would be to cough. Lex isn't polite. "That always seems so forced, doesn't it?" Lex asks. We love you! Lex comes around the bed and asks how Lana's doing. Jason says that the doctors don't know what's wrong with her. Lex and Jason introduce themselves. Lex asks if it's "Teague" as in "Marion, Teague and Wiesman." Jason says that's his father's firm. Lex asks if he decided to get far away from that. Jason says he was cut off. Lex snarks, "What better place to kickstart a new career than Smallville High?" Jason chuckles. Lex needlessly pries by surmising that the school was nice to send an official to check in on Lana. Jason goes with that instead of just saying that he and Lana are dating. Lex stares at Lana and then walks out. On his way, he says, over a shoulder, "Lana deserves the best. I hope you're it." Lex knows from the best. It's a sideways-hit Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex sneak-attacked us with it. Nice tracking shot of Lex leaving the room and walking down the hospital hallway

The offices of The Torch. Lois is researching Beechwood Medical Center's plastic surgery website. She checks a button to schedule an appointment.

Back at the hospital, Clark gets his frequent visitor card punched and then stares at Lana from outside the room. Chloe comes in, asking how Lana's doing. Nice wavy hair, Chloe! Seriously. I'm liking it. Clark says that Lana was cut up and given a sedative, but she kept saying, "Don't let him see me" over and over again. Ah, vanity. Clark points out that Dick Butthead was acting the same way recently. He says the only thing they found in common was a spike in serotonin levels. Nice of the doctors to share all that info with Clark. "Serotonin?" Chloe asks. Clark has to explain to Chloe what that is, which is pretty funny. Chloe mentions that Lois misspelled that word three times in her "slander" piece on extreme makeovers. Chloe knows better than to use that word. Slander is spoken. Libel is written. She's just being written dumber and dumber every season. Chloe mentions Scabrous's connection with Dick Butthead, citing Lana, but I doubt that information was ever passed on. Chloe makes the leap to Scabrous's supposed plastic surgery, and suggests that the procedure made her more beast than beauty. Clark watches Lana as dramatic music swells. It's not that dramatic.

Lois at MamaScab's office. Lois lies that her parents think she's too young for plastic surgery. MamaScab, with her boobies peeking from a half-buttoned shirt, says that most parents don’t remember what high school was like. MamaScab says she wasn't homecoming queen and always saw pretty girls get handed everything. Two years and seven surgeries later, she says, all that changed. You mean she's packin' plastic? Lois smiles in agreement. Wow! Surgery rules! Lois says she's interested in the new procedure MamaScab used on Scabrous. Is that public information? MamaScab says you only have to come in once. She didn't want her daughter to suffer prolonged pain just to have what other people are born with. They schedule an appointment. Unfortunately, Lois's tape recorder, hidden in her purse, starts to rewind. MamaScab hears it. Busted! "I'm going to expose you," Lois says. Too late. Her boobies have already come out and said hello. MamaScab tries to stop Lois from leaving. Lois says something about beauty being on the inside. Does she even know what show she's on? MamaScab pulls Lois by the throat and jams a needle into her neck. My, what a cogent metaphor for all that is Smallville. MamaScab says, righteously, that the people who say that are the ones who already have it on the ouside.

The Torch. Clark and Chloe walk in. Clark thinks that Chloe must have let her inner slob out. Turns out it was Lois who made a desk mess by pulling articles about MamaScab's instant makeover technique. Chloe says that the procedure was sending patient's serotonin levels through the roof. I thought Scabrous was her first trial. Clark says she was working on a suppressing medication to counteract that. Chloe surmises that Scabrous is passing on high serotonin levels somehow. I ask my wife if this is "medically stupid." She just nods and keeps reading the paper. Clark somehow knows that Scabrous kissed the football dude, but wonders how Lana got it. Lana shudders a bit. Lesbian kiss, guys! It's right in front of you! Think of the show's producers! Chloe wonders if Lana and Dick Buthhead just need a dose of that counter-acting medication to bring their serotonin back down. FYI: anti-depressants bring up your serotonin. There's not really any medication to bring it down. Chloe notices Lois's appointment book, which has a Post-It showing her appointment at 1:30. Lois left her appointment book just lying out like that?

Back at the surgery lab, Lois is lying on the exam table. MamaScab looks her over like, "Mmmm...yes...delicious." Lois asks what she's doing. "Giving you the inside scoop," MamaScab says. MamaScab says she's going to let Lois know what it was like to be Scabby Abby for all those years. She can do that? Lois is wearing what appears to be PVC piping as a top and bottom. Was that what she was wearing before she came in? MamaScab turns on the infernal machinery. It lowers from the ceiling. Lois is scared. MamaScab tells Lois that without serotonin medication, she'll be filing her story from the Psych ward. You go, MamaScab! Best villain we've had in a while. At least for now. Lois struggles. She tries to get free, her boobs a-shakin'.

Hey, Big Dumb Alien coming through! Clark walks right into the office where there are no guards and the door isn't locked. He looks at a computer where an image of Lois lying on the table is showing. She's about to get skewered by hot pokers. Clark superzips through a glass door that was probably also unlocked. The machinery already landed, but apparently Lois never got poked. Clark lifts it up. Kryptonite gas sprays at him. "Clark?" Lois says. Clark stumbles. MamaScab cracks him across the head with a big board. Yes! She walks around in triumph like a WWE wrestler, but then Lois kicks her in the face with a bare foot. MamaScab falls. Lois gets free. Her plastic-clad bits jiggle as she helps Clark up. MamaScab tries again: she grabs a scalpel and lunges for Lois. "Bitch," Lois says as she kicks the woman in the face again. MamaScab falls. Lois and Clark escape. Yawn.

Friday Night Lights was filmed around Austin and Odessa. And it doesn’t look bad, really. You know, if you're into football and movies and, uh, shaky camera movement.

Lana at The Talon. Lana starts to painfully tell Jason something, but she says she doesn't want to sound stuck-up. "I already know you're stuck-up," Jason deadpans, adding that he was meaning to talk to her about that. See? He's not so bad, guys. I hope he keeps Lana's shit in check. She says he's funny. "And cute, huh?" he says and gives her a little Ferris Bueller grin. Seriously, he's all right. Lana says she's being serious. Why? That was so much better. Lana whines about her cheerleading days. Her face is a little scratched up. She says she remembered all the times Jason told her she was beautiful. She wonders how much of the real her Jason sees. He tells her he says that because of who she is, not how she looks. "Because you UGLY!" says my wife. (She's stopped reading the paper.) Jason says he likes the girl who kicks the crap out of him at Xbox and thinks it's hysterical. Folks, I think this really is love. He says he's seen her with the stomach flu when her eyes were puffy, her nose was running, and she was yakking-- Lana stops him. Aw, dude, I really wanted to hear more. Lana suddenly believes him. Jason says the reason he loves her (he said he loves her!) isn't something she can see in a mirror. With funky leprosy. He jokes that he's going to write that down and use it later. Lana giggles. I really and truly don't hate Lana here. She just needed someone other than Clark to bring out some of her better qualities. I'm just glad it's not Lex.

Kent Farm. Clark drives up in the red truck. Bo asks if practice ran late. Clark apologizes for disappointing his dad. He says he's staying on the team: "I'm tired of living my life on the sidelines." Bo, tossing hay, says that Clark is a senior, and that he's going to be making some of his own decisions. Clark didn't know that, apparently. Bo says that Clark is going to have to start acting like an adult around the house. No more ice cream in bed. Do your own laundry, dammit! Why do you keep taking such long showers? Are you treating your body like an amusement park? Clark just nods. Bo says that adults in this family don't just go do things without discussing them first. Especially if you're a woman. Bo tosses his gloves onto a bale of hay. Clark asks Bo a question: "You gonna let some assistant couch from Metropolis teach your boy how to play football?" It's actually kinda sweet. Nice moment here. Clark offers Bo the football. Bo takes it. "Go deep," Bo says. I laugh for, like, ten minutes. That should have been what they called this episode in the promos, not "Kryp/Tuck." Clark runs, normal speed. Bo tosses him the football. Clark catches it. Then he...WHAT!? He dunks the ball into the basketball goal. "Oh, shit," Bo thinks, "this is gonna be a lot harder to teach than I thought." Still, Bo raises his arms and yells, "Yeah!" Touchdown! And, uh, two-point dunk! Clark lines up for a free throw and Bo just shakes his head.

Smallville High. Lots of foliage outside! Somebody's reading The Torch. "SKIN DEEP," the headline blares. "Behind the Mark of the High School Façade." And it has a photo of Lois Lane in lieu of a simple byline. Is this an exposé or a personal column? And the photo's black and white on a color front. Journalism, people! Lois is reading the paper in the middle of the hallway, trying not to look too ecstatic. Chloe comes over with her stylish new hair. "It had a typo!" Lois bitches, trying to play it off. "Oh, nice try," Chloe says. She gives us exposition on Scabrous: she snarks that MamaScab is going to play "mirror, mirror" on the Psych ward wall for a while now. But she wasn't crazy. Just ambitious and murderous! Lois asks if Scabrous will be all right. "Yeah, she'll be back week," Chloe says. So...the fuck!? She's going to be all right? She's back week? No counseling? No "Kisses off-limits" rules? Smallville, I tip my hat to thee. You've reached a new level or incompetence in wrapping up a storyline. Chloe changes the subject to Lois's first pep rally. That's much more interesting! Lois, who looks ten years older than everyone else here, says it's not exactly her dream Friday night. Chloe calls Lois the town's newest "celeb." Chloe gives Lois a stack of fan mail from readers. Lois says she never expected anyone to read the story, much less to have a "life-changing experience" as a result of it. Lois is taken aback. Chloe is loving this: "Welcome to the bullpen, Miss Lane!" She leaves her cousin amused and inspired. Chloe says (in another weird dialogue loop) that she's going to go watch Clark Kent in a wet t-shirt. She asks Lois to join her. "Like I've never seen that before," Lois responds, again in weird voice-over.

A loud Avril song about happy endings plays while Clark sits, wearing shorts on the dunk tank. Jason tosses Lois a football. "Keep your eye on the target," he tells her. Chloe watches. Where's Lana? Clark calls out to Lois, asking if the boys on the base taught her anything. "Wouldn't you like to know," she responds. Lois says that Clark's going down. "That'll be the day," he says. The day he hangs out with Lex? People cheer and chant for a dunk. Lois winds up and hits the target. Clark is dunked. Chloe and everyone else cheer. Clark emerges, soaking wet. Lois comes over to him, smiling huge, and messes with his hair. Clark splashes some water at her. Everything goes to slow motion. Clark tosses water from his mane. He's smiling huge, too. Chloe notices Clark and Lana making googly eyes at each other. Chloe's big smile turns to a thoughtful frown. "So much for my happy ending," the song says emphatically as we cut to black. I said it in the recaplet, and I'll say it again: why bother to bring Chloe back to life if you're just going to kick the shit out of her for another season?

week: aphrodisiacs and Chloe in a cheerleading outfit. More humiliation. Nevertheless? We're there, dude.

Recap addendum: I was literally typing the subject line to send in this recap when I heard the news about Christopher Reeve. For people my age, the first Superman movie was not just life-changing. It was life-defining. It made us want to be the good hero, even as we jumped around the living room in our Underoos with a towel tied with a clothespin around our neck. I can't even react right now because it doesn't seem real, but writers far better than I will in the coming days conjure words to speak not only of Christopher Reeve's talent and charisma, but of how he inspired people even more after his life-changing accident. ["Here's one eulogy by our own Sars." -- Wing Chun] For this little corner of the internet, I can say that he made this show far better in the little bit of time we got to see him, and that he had a lot to do with the high quality of the best episode they've ever produced. It was nice that Margot Kidder just guest-starred, because it made me think of both her and Reeve and how great they were together and how their faces, their lines, and their movies were such a wonderful, wonderful part of my childhood. So, goodbye Christopher Reeve. For as far back as I can even remember, you were always super and you were always my hero.