Crazy jet-lagged props to Kim for holding down the ice fortress while I went and got myself hitched. And thanks to everyone for the wedding wishes.
Now let's do this thing.
We open this minty-fresh episode with Lana and Lex (yes, you can groan if you like) sitting by the fire, in very close proximity to each other on the young billionaire's very expensive couch. Oh, man. They're not going to make sweet love by the fire, are they? Please, Lex, don't make sweet love to Lana by the fire. Like, ever. Lex has just gifted Lana with some Paris travel books, which I guess is a traditional thing to do, since several friends gave me some helpful books before I recently went. If you go, get the little books that you can carry in your pocket. You don't want to lug around big books with huge fold-outs as you try to navigate the Metro. How is Lana going to get her horse in the subway? Lana giggles girlishly and wonders out loud to Lex how well two semesters of French are going to get her by. You'll be fine. Just speak Pink. Lex says that a smile goes a long way; even in Paris. As does money. Lots of expensive, account-draining Euros. Not that I'm bitter. Lex says that he has something to help ease the transition. It's a roofie. Oh, wait, the transition to Paris. It's an envelope with an upgraded plane ticket. Take it, Lana! Don't get blood clots in your legs like I did in Coach. (I think it has more to do with the fact that our in-flight movie was Along Came Polly, but that's another story.) Lex says that the ticket is open-ended. Kind of like his ass. He says that Lana can leave Smallville whenever she likes. Lana is taken aback, and tries to not accept the ticket, but Lex insists and says that this is a year she'll never forget. The Year of the Pink Beret.
Hey, do I smell big, dumb alien? I totally do! Clark just strolls in like he won the mansion in a high-stakes poker match, and catches Lex and Lana being all platonic-schmoopy. "Clark!" Lex says jovially. "I didn't mean to interrupt," Clark responds, piss in his voice. Lana says that Lex was giving her some last-minute travel tips. Like, "If you go: get a rich benefactor to upgrade you to First Class." "When is the big day?" Clark asks with distaste, as if Lana's going to undergo female circumcision. Lana says it's Saturday. Lengthy looks are exchanged. By the fire. No sweet love is made. Lana decides she should go and let the men get down to manly fireside stuff. Lex smiles at Lana as she thanks him. With Lana still probably within earshot, Lex announces, "Clark, you need to let her go." Clark says he doesn't have much choice. In being a total asshole this season to all his friends? Nope. Not much choice there, dickweed. Lex calls Clark on his shit. Lex says that Lana's only ever wanted Clark to be honest, and that if Clark isn't going to step up, he needs to move aside and let her go. I'd like it if Lex had added a kick in the crotch to get the point across, but Clark looks stricken just the same.
Hands on a scrapbook. Somebody's flipping through a fawning tome of photos and news stories about Lana Lang. Al and Miles? Is that you? One of the newspaper clippings has the headline "Landmark Talon is closing." The subhead -- which you can't quite make out -- reads, " 'World's Best Cappuccino' discovered not to be." A teen girl with long raven hair is lying in a girly bed, poring over the book. Tinkly, creepy music is playing. The girl is hiding her scrapbook behind an oversized children's book called Megan's Zoo. The sequel is called Al's Taxidermy. "Time for lights out. 'Night, Emily," a voice says over a speaker. Holy crap! It's Creepy Crazy Little Girl, all teenaged up! She looks a little gothy, sort of sleepy-eyed Alanis Morissette crossed with Zooey Deschanel. Creepy Alanis is being watched through glass by a doctor, who is monitoring her with way too many computers. "'Night!" Alanis says chirpily, and goes to bed. The doctor logs off, making an audio note of it into a log, and leaves. Alanis cuddles with Bunny Buns, the stuffed version, and pretends to sleep until the coast is clear. On a flat-panel monitor, we watch her sneak out of bed and walk toward the glass partition with her scrapbook. She dissolves and walks through the glass and wall. She can pass through solid matter now? Oh, for fuck's sake.
Talon. The marquee has finally changed. It reads: "Burrito Ole Coming Soon." "Burrito Ole"? I guess that's no worse than "Taco Bueno." Inside, a guy is drinking coffee from a paper cup that he got somewhere else. Oh, the irony! The place is closed down, and presumably this is the new owner. He's got blueprints that he reads in the dark. Smart. Just as the guy puts on his coat to leave, something rustles his blueprints. Spooky music plays. A paint can is knocked over. Now the guy is freaked out. "Hullo?" he calls out. He comes back into the room to investigate. Bad move, buddy. Don't you know what happens to extras on this show? Creepy Alanis suddenly appears. "You're ruining it. It's perfect and you're ruining it," she tells the man. The guy, amused, confuses her for Lana Lang and tries to reassure her that she signed the papers and should shut the hell up. Creepy Alanis isn't happy. She sticks her hand in the dude's chest; it looks like a shadow puppet when she does it. He bleeds. She pulls out nothing. But still: MOOORTAAAL KOOOMBAAAAT! Homeboy falls dead. "It belongs to Lana," Creepy Alanis says. Alanis wins! Fatality.
Opening credits. Guess they'll have to change them after this episode or the one, huh?