Crazy jet-lagged props to Kim for holding down the ice fortress while I went and got myself hitched. And thanks to everyone for the wedding wishes.
Now let's do this thing.
We open this minty-fresh episode with Lana and Lex (yes, you can groan if you like) sitting by the fire, in very close proximity to each other on the young billionaire's very expensive couch. Oh, man. They're not going to make sweet love by the fire, are they? Please, Lex, don't make sweet love to Lana by the fire. Like, ever. Lex has just gifted Lana with some Paris travel books, which I guess is a traditional thing to do, since several friends gave me some helpful books before I recently went. If you go, get the little books that you can carry in your pocket. You don't want to lug around big books with huge fold-outs as you try to navigate the Metro. How is Lana going to get her horse in the subway? Lana giggles girlishly and wonders out loud to Lex how well two semesters of French are going to get her by. You'll be fine. Just speak Pink. Lex says that a smile goes a long way; even in Paris. As does money. Lots of expensive, account-draining Euros. Not that I'm bitter. Lex says that he has something to help ease the transition. It's a roofie. Oh, wait, the transition to Paris. It's an envelope with an upgraded plane ticket. Take it, Lana! Don't get blood clots in your legs like I did in Coach. (I think it has more to do with the fact that our in-flight movie was Along Came Polly, but that's another story.) Lex says that the ticket is open-ended. Kind of like his ass. He says that Lana can leave Smallville whenever she likes. Lana is taken aback, and tries to not accept the ticket, but Lex insists and says that this is a year she'll never forget. The Year of the Pink Beret.
Hey, do I smell big, dumb alien? I totally do! Clark just strolls in like he won the mansion in a high-stakes poker match, and catches Lex and Lana being all platonic-schmoopy. "Clark!" Lex says jovially. "I didn't mean to interrupt," Clark responds, piss in his voice. Lana says that Lex was giving her some last-minute travel tips. Like, "If you go: get a rich benefactor to upgrade you to First Class." "When is the big day?" Clark asks with distaste, as if Lana's going to undergo female circumcision. Lana says it's Saturday. Lengthy looks are exchanged. By the fire. No sweet love is made. Lana decides she should go and let the men get down to manly fireside stuff. Lex smiles at Lana as she thanks him. With Lana still probably within earshot, Lex announces, "Clark, you need to let her go." Clark says he doesn't have much choice. In being a total asshole this season to all his friends? Nope. Not much choice there, dickweed. Lex calls Clark on his shit. Lex says that Lana's only ever wanted Clark to be honest, and that if Clark isn't going to step up, he needs to move aside and let her go. I'd like it if Lex had added a kick in the crotch to get the point across, but Clark looks stricken just the same.
Hands on a scrapbook. Somebody's flipping through a fawning tome of photos and news stories about Lana Lang. Al and Miles? Is that you? One of the newspaper clippings has the headline "Landmark Talon is closing." The subhead -- which you can't quite make out -- reads, " 'World's Best Cappuccino' discovered not to be." A teen girl with long raven hair is lying in a girly bed, poring over the book. Tinkly, creepy music is playing. The girl is hiding her scrapbook behind an oversized children's book called Megan's Zoo. The sequel is called Al's Taxidermy. "Time for lights out. 'Night, Emily," a voice says over a speaker. Holy crap! It's Creepy Crazy Little Girl, all teenaged up! She looks a little gothy, sort of sleepy-eyed Alanis Morissette crossed with Zooey Deschanel. Creepy Alanis is being watched through glass by a doctor, who is monitoring her with way too many computers. "'Night!" Alanis says chirpily, and goes to bed. The doctor logs off, making an audio note of it into a log, and leaves. Alanis cuddles with Bunny Buns, the stuffed version, and pretends to sleep until the coast is clear. On a flat-panel monitor, we watch her sneak out of bed and walk toward the glass partition with her scrapbook. She dissolves and walks through the glass and wall. She can pass through solid matter now? Oh, for fuck's sake.
Talon. The marquee has finally changed. It reads: "Burrito Ole Coming Soon." "Burrito Ole"? I guess that's no worse than "Taco Bueno." Inside, a guy is drinking coffee from a paper cup that he got somewhere else. Oh, the irony! The place is closed down, and presumably this is the new owner. He's got blueprints that he reads in the dark. Smart. Just as the guy puts on his coat to leave, something rustles his blueprints. Spooky music plays. A paint can is knocked over. Now the guy is freaked out. "Hullo?" he calls out. He comes back into the room to investigate. Bad move, buddy. Don't you know what happens to extras on this show? Creepy Alanis suddenly appears. "You're ruining it. It's perfect and you're ruining it," she tells the man. The guy, amused, confuses her for Lana Lang and tries to reassure her that she signed the papers and should shut the hell up. Creepy Alanis isn't happy. She sticks her hand in the dude's chest; it looks like a shadow puppet when she does it. He bleeds. She pulls out nothing. But still: MOOORTAAAL KOOOMBAAAAT! Homeboy falls dead. "It belongs to Lana," Creepy Alanis says. Alanis wins! Fatality.
Opening credits. Guess they'll have to change them after this episode or the one, huh?
Basketball outside the Kent Farm. Hey, it's Pete! How's it going, Pete? Wanna take a few shots? For the last time? Bwah ha ha ha ha ha! Clark seems to get a little annoyed that Pete made a shot when his friend receives his basket change. Don't show off, black man! Pete says that someone's moving to Wichita. It's his mom, and she just got a federal judgeship. Clark says that was fast. Yeah, like last-episode fast. Pete says that his father is staying in town. Eek. Divorce. The Great Divider. Clark deduces that the separation has officially hit Code Orange. They're not moving to Florida, Clark. Pete says he held off from telling Clark because he knew that's when it would sink in. Kind of like telling a really smart dog. Or a dumb dolphin. Pete snarks that Clark is the only one left in the Nuclear Family Zone. If by "Nuclear," you mean "from outer space." Clark says that Pete's family isn't gone. It's just...changing. Bo should slap that platitude right out of your mouth, Clark. Clark says he knows what it's like to have your parents hide things from you. All I know is that Mama Pete is one fine lady and her husband must be a dumb-ass. Good thing we'll never see him. Pete says it's weird to think that the people you thought had all the answers are just human like everybody else. It's like when I wrote to that Mr. Henshaw, my favorite author, and he wrote back an annoying letter making stupid puns like saying his name was "Messing A. Round." You should write to him, Pete. He's good with kids who have divorced parents.
Clark asks what Pete's going to do. Pete cheers up and says he didn't go through three years of high school to miss senior year. Oh, Pete. You poor, poor bastard. "Wish Lana felt that way," says Clark. No sympathy. Clark's just pathetic. And how great a friend is Clark to change the subject back to himself? Pete advises Clark that the whole yo-yo relationship thing is not good. "You sound like Lex," says Clark. Sexy? Clark says that Lex thinks the reason Lana is leaving is Clark. Pete says, "I'd hate to agree with Uncle Fester, but I don't think Lana is going to Paris just to see the Mona Lisa." What if she just wants to get the hell out of this shithole mutant-spawning stalker town? Did you self-centered asses ever think about that? Sheesh. Oh, and "Uncle Fester"? Not cool. That reminds me that, in high school, we had this thing of Uncle Fester that came up at Fire Prevention Week. Maybe I've told this story before, but we had to write fire prevention songs to sing to elementary school kids. One of the ones my friends wrote went, to the tune of "The Rose": "Some say fire/ it is a killer. That killed/ your mom and dad. Now you're living/ with Uncle Fester/ the child molester/ boy oh boy, aren't you sad?" Clark asks whether Pete ever wishes he didn't know Clark's secret. Pete says it's rough at times to cover things up, but that nobody's ever trusted him so much before. That's because you're Sneaky Pete! Pete asks whether Clark is thinking about telling Lana. Clark misguidedly thinks it will keep Lana off that plane if he does.
Talon locker. A newspaper clip reads, "Talon Theater Re-opens as Coffee Shop." Lana stares at the clip. "Wait, did I do that?" she thinks. Clark watches her as she's packing things into a canvas bag. Clark says she looks like she could use a garage sale. There's half-hearted patter about her moving halfway across the world. Not that Clark is bitter. Clark says instead that he thinks it's pretty brave. Lana is distracted, looking for something. She seeks her mom's bracelet. How much jewelry does she have to remember her mom? Was her mom's maiden name "Zales"? Clark tells Lana that he knows she's busy with everything, but would she like to have dinner with him tonight? Lana grimaces like he just asked if she'd like a pre-Paris pap smear. She doesn't think it's a good idea. "There's something I should have told you. I should have told you a long time ago," Clark says. Lana asks if everything's all right. He has Ass Cancer. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, Lana. Clark says he hopes things will be fine. Lana reconsiders and says of course she'll have dinner with Clark. Who even cares at this point, honestly?
Papa Luthor is at the Institute for Keeping Cloned Children Entertained. He's showing someone photos on a computer of Creepy Crazy Little Girl when she was little and Crazy Alanis now, eleven months later. Boy, those sparkly eyes sure did deaden, didn't they? "She looks just like her mother," says her flabbergasted dad, played by my most favorite janitor Neil Flynn. I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't think we're going to be seeing much of Neil on this show after this episode. So I'm going to forego a cute nickname and just call him...Neil Flynn. Step back, give the man some room. Neil Flynn is all up in here! Where was I? Oh yeah: Neil marvels that the teen girl looks just like her mother. Gah! You married that sourpuss? Papa Luthor says he bets her mother couldn't walk through walls. No, but he thought she walked on water. Papa Luthor fills in the details of the night journey, and asks whether Neil has an explanation for that. Neil weaves some bullshit science about her molecules vibrating so fast until they could be absorbed by solid matter. Papa Luthor asks where Neil thinks she may be going. Neil says that, the last time she went to the home of her childhood friend, Lana Lang. Papa Luthor reminds us, the viewers, that last time that happened, Lana Lang ended up nearly drowning. I remember because we were all so happy. Neil gets defensive and says you can't blame Alanis for that attempted murder. He sputters that, however she looks, she still has the mind of a child. A murderous, creepy child. Papa Luthor says she's not a child, she's a failed experiment. "And a colossal liability!" Papa Luthor drawls. He opens his mouth sideways when he says "colossal." I may have bitched a lot this season, but at least they gave us lots of Papa Luthor, and for that I'm grateful. Papa Luthor wants to find the girl. He gives Neil two options. He'll send out a team to (we can guess) search and destroy, or he'll send Neil, alone. Neil opts for Neil.
The Talon. Lana and Chloe walk in to an empty but still Egyptian motif-filled coffee shop. Chloe guesses that Lana won't miss the early-morning pastry deliveries. Lana says she was just trying to keep the building from being torn down when it began to take over her life. Lana has a life? They're pulling out all the surprises at season's end! Lana and Chloe look around, seemingly surprised by the lack of change in decoration. "Why would I do that?" asks Creepy Alanis from the staircase. She introduces herself to Lana as the new owner's daughter, Emma. Lana asks if she and Emma may have met somewhere before. Chloe looks a little jealous, or at least suspicious. Lana introduces Chloe as one of Emma's future "frequent caffeinators." Chloe asks what's up with the planned burrito bar. Creepy Alanis says that the place is perfect just the way it is, and asks Lana to show her the ropes. Lana agrees, and hands the girl an extra set of keys. She says she feels like she's handing over a piece of her life. The girl says it's in good hands. Really weird glowing smiles from Lana, Alanis, and even Chloe. Is there happy gas in the room or something?
Kent kitchen. MamaKent is taking bread out of the oven to set near some cooked...pears? You cook pears? Have I been eating them wrong all these years? MamaKent is wearing a pretty tight pair of jeans and a tucked-in shirt that accentuates her figure and saaaaaaay. Nice figure, there. I daydream-elbow Michael McKean for his good taste in ladies. Clark walks in, ruining the mood completely. Clark's got groceries. MamaKent asks if she's off the hook for dinner. Clark says he invited Lana for dinner, and he's chefing. It's Bring Your Own Hot Dog Bun Night. MamaKent says it must be hard to say goodbye. It is! And I'll take with me the memory, to be my sunshine after the rain. Or words to that effect. Clark's got a genius plan, though. It's brilliant! He'll tell Lana his secret and she'll stay and ruin her life! Awesome! MamaKent is surprised by the plan. And concerned. She says it's a big responsibility to ask someone to keep a secret like that. She invokes the name of the nearly departed: Pete. Clark says he knows Pete's had some close calls, but Clark says they're both glad the secret came out, and that it's made them better friends. And it's brought Pete's perimeter game up, too; he used to be a lousy outside shooter. MamaKent asks if Lana's ready. Clark says she's always asked him to be honest; now she can decide for herself. Except she can't undecide once you tell her and you've lied about even the most basic things, not just your alien origins, ya douche. Jeez. MamaKent guesses it's not really fair to raise Clark as one of them and then keep him from one of the best parts of life. Seriously, folks, if Lana is one of the best parts of life, I'm out. Suicide pill, please. Shuffle me off this mortal coil. Clark is surprised that there's no fight about this. MamaKent says she trusts Clark to make his own decision. Clark smiles. He thinks she's talking about his decision on what to serve for dessert.
The Talon. Lana is going over her checklist with Creepy Alanis. The delivery truck seems to be the only thing Lana has to remember. That and the pink blazer. Alanis asks if Lana's sure she wants to leave. Lana says that the fact that this is all she knows is why she needs to leave. Er, right. Alanis says that's too bad, because she though they could be friends. All right, a little creepy. She adds that maybe they could have been best friends. Cah-reeeepy! Very! Lana reacts as I would -- with a hard stare and some awkward emotional backing away. Lana says she's sorry they won't know each other better. "We already do, silly," says Alanis. When somebody says "silly" like that to you, fucking run. It's never a good thing. She says she'll show Lana. Alanis runs upstairs. Lana backs away like she's going to run in the other direction. Good plan. Unfortunately, she bumps into Neil Flynn. Lana puts the pieces together in her head when she recognizes Creepy Crazy Little Girl's father. Neil says he has to get the girl back to LuthorCorp. Lana's freaking out. "What does she want?" Lana asks. She doesn't get an answer. Neil suddenly looks stricken. Right through the heart, even. He stiffens, and then falls. Creepy Alanis, with a blood-stained hand, appears behind him. Is this like the Five-Finger Expoding Heart Technique? He didn't even get his five steps. Creepy Alanis insists that Lana forgive her. It's what friends do, silly! Lana tries to run. Alanis is there. She chops Lana on the chest, and instead of ripping into her body, she merely sends our pink princess sailing across the floor and into a table. Lana gets her fifteenth concussion of the series. Creepy Alanis stands over her and says she's sorry.
Requiem for a Pink. The camera spirals down from roof level down to Lana lying on a big quilt on a bed. She wakes up suddenly. She's in a glass cage surrounded by bedroom furniture. Lana gets up and bangs on the glass. She calls for Alanis. Lana throws a stool at the window, but nothing happens. She screams. A lot. The glass cage, we see, is housed inside a huge barn.
Commercials. What, Lana in glass bondage didn't get you all hot and bothered? You must not be a producer on the show, then.
The corner of LuthorCorp and Stock Footage Avenue. Papa Luthor's having a rough day. He winces and rubs at his forehead as he holds a drink in hand. Lex walks in and says that doesn't look like the face of someone who just secured another government contract. He asks if things are all right. Papa Luthor lies that everything is just fine. He asks his son for some help. He seeks advice about an executive whom he wants to reward with a promotion. Papa Luthor says he has a problem, because this executive doesn't seem trustworthy. Papa Luthor asks if Lex would give the employee a chance to fess up to any disloyal behavior. Lex suggests that these ruthless qualities might make him a good asset. "Or maybe they'd just make him..." Papa Luthor begins, and then he rips open Lex's shirt! I know, dude. Who can resist, right? He finds the wire taped to Lex's chest. "...a disloyal son!" Papa Luthor finishes. Lex says he was protecting himself, the way he was taught. Papa Luthor bitches about Lex taking their problems outside the house. Lex is defiant. He says he had nothing to do with the Metron lab murders, and that Papa Luthor sold him out. Papa Luthor growls that he did it to make Lex stronger. Lex doesn't believe that. He says that Papa can't keep disguising his crappy behavior "under the guise of mentorship." He says that Papa Luthor brought this on himself. He says that the old man's gotten careless with these obscure projects. "What could be that important?" he asks. Papa Luthor says that if Lex had given him any reason for trust, he wouldn't need to ask that question. Lex, in spite of everything, looks hurt. He walks out as the telephone starts ringing. Papa watches Lex leaves, and then answers. "What?" Papa Luthor barks. It's a guy named "Loder" in Metropolis. Kurt Loder? Loder tells Papa Luthor that Lex ("your kid") hadn't found out anything significant. Loder assures Papa Luthor that if Lex does, it'll stay buried. That makes Papa Luthor tingly and happy. Loder also says he's going to talk to "the Ross kid." Loder opens an FBI file on his desk that has a goofy color photo of Clark Kent attached. Wait a minute, Loder is Craggy Chris Isaak! I thought I recognized that nose.
The Barnness of Gettin'itOnitude. Except not. This is very sad and typical; Clark has set up a TV-tray dinner and lots of candles, as if he's trying to recreate The Police's "Wrapped Around Your Finger" video. Well, the only thing in Clark's fingers now are some blue balls. Lana didn't show up. Bo Duke -- who's been conspicuously absent lately directing and starring in earthquake movies -- comes in to check on Clark. "Don't worry, Dad, Lana stood me up. The secret's still safe," Clark bitters. Bo says there are a hundred different reasons Lana didn't show up. Like maybe she got trapped in a glass cage by a clone! Did you ever think about that, Clark? Or maybe she just has Superpenis Fright. Clark says he's given her so many reasons not to trust him, yet he's not going to give up. Listen to you, Clark! You sound like a wife beater! Bo sits down; he says a person can hold on too tight and for too long sometimes. Remember that cow that showed up mysteriously strangled and abused last year in the barn? Clark says he's liked Lana since the first time he met her, and that it's not going to change. Bo says he's not talking about Clark. He's talking about himself. But not about the cows. Yet. Bo says that a father is supposed to help his son build a life, not hold him back from one. Bo still thinks this secret thing is a bad idea, but he doesn't trust his instincts so much anymore. "I just hope you can trust yours," Bo says. Clark, in the moonlight, feels a little better about being completely dissed.
Talon, outside. An American flag is waving. The marquee should read, "It's okay, foreign visitors. We won't stack you into pyramids or point at your genitals. Unless you order it." The place is buzzing. Crazy Alanis is working the counter, but tries to avoid eye contact when Clark comes in. "The first cup of coffee is free," Alanis warbles to him when he approaches. Clark says he's just looking for Lana. Lana's the other decaffeinated beverage around here. Chloe has told Clark that the last time she saw Lana was with Alanis at the Talon. Alanis lies to Clark, telling him that Lana already left for Paris. Clark doesn't believe she'd just leave like that, two days early. "She said something about...hating goodbyes," Alanis says. She whispers her dialogue even more than Lana. Clark turns and flees. Alanis stares after him with deadened peepers.
The glass cage on loan from the Hannibal Lecter estate. Alanis, grinning, brings in a tray with TV dinners. "They're our favorite. With the brownie," she says. Lana tries to play nice and says, in a friendly tone, that they can still be friends without the, you know, imprisonment. Crazy Alanis asks how they can be best friends if Lana's moving away. Touché, pinky. Lana says they can write letters, and homegirl can come visit her in Paris. Alanis doesn't go for it. Alanis says they'll have fun together and one day, if Lana is good, they can run The Talon together. Lana gulps. Lana tries to reason with Alanis about the dynamics of friendship. Alanis counters that a friend is someone who would jump in a river to save your life. Shit, Lana. I guess it's a caged life for you. Lana still doesn't get it. She says a friend doesn't keep you locked up. Alanis says that Lana will get used to it. She did, too. Lana thinks people will come look for her. Alanis says everybody already thinks she went to Paris. It's a shocker only to Lana. She starts to cry. We go to commercials.
We went to lunch with my parents today and it came up that my dad used to be a Smeagol. (I say this because of the commercial for the Chintzy Edition of Return of the King I'm watching.) So, my dad: the one time we went finishing together when I was a wee lad, we went to a waterfall and there were two fish that had just gotten stuck on the rocks as soon as we got there. He grabbed the two big fish and said, "Let's go home!" That was our fishing trip. My dad was a little Smeagol there. We joked that he was singing a song and beating the fish against the rocks. That's my dad!
Young men in heat scene. Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is telling Clark that his dad found the wire (your IUD?), and that the FBI is dropping the case unless Lex can find something incriminating. Clark thinks that shouldn't be hard. Lex says his dad is good at covering his tracks. Lex insinuates at Clark about secrets and lies. "You mean like hiding things from your best friend?" Clark snarks back. Oh, Lex is his best friend now? Clark is an assy best friend. "You tell me, Lex," Clark says. God. Clark is such a bitch. Clark asks why Lex changed Lana's ticket. Lex thinks Clark is talking about upgrading her to First Class, not changing the date, so we get a Frasier-style misunderstanding. Lex says it was an open-ended ticket. "So she didn't say goodbye to you either," Clark mopes. Clark heard from the new Talon owner's daughter that Lana left today. Lex tells Clark that the new owner doesn't have a daughter. Oops! Background checks, Clark. Always background check.
Behind The Talon, Clark is waiting for Alanis. He confronts her: Lana never got on any plane, according to Lex's sources. "Like you care. You weren't a very good friend if you were going to let her go away," says Alanis. Clark demands to know where Lana went. Alanis says that Clark was nicer to her when she was little and told her he was different, too. She superspeeds off and through a brick wall. Clark follows, but is stymied by these bricks. Isn't there another way to get to the other side of them? Clark doesn't think so. Stupid, stupid bricks!
The offices of The Torch at night. Chloe has got some negatives on a light board. Papa Luthor overtakes the doorway and greets her. Papa Luthor is there to ask for help. Not to kill her, like I first thought. Chloe asks what he could possibly want with her. "Your friendship," he says, letting that hang in the air before adding, "with Lana Lang." He tells her that the daughter of his friend, a girl in his care, is missing. Chloe snarks that she'll congratulate the girl when she sees her. Papa Luthor says that the father is missing, too. He shows her a photo of Alanis and says she was Lana's best childhood friend. "The girl is...sick. Very sick," he says. Papa Luthor says he'll expect a call from Chloe about it if she hears anything. Chloe stares at the photo and looks worried.
Lana's glass house. Lana is brooding while Creepy Alanis has served tea for two. Lana gets a sneaky idea. She smiles and asks if Alanis would like more tea. Alanis smiles and nods enthusiastically. Lana pours imaginary tea. Then she cracks the girl in the fucking head with the teapot! It shatters. Ow! I'm sorry, but I know this girl is holding Lana captive and all, but given that she has a child's brain (the girl, not Lana, although sometimes I wonder), I'm just not down with breaking a ceramic pot on her face. Call me a pushover. Lana grabs the keys and escapes. Whee! She runs, runs, runs through the barn. She finds two bodies wrapped in plastic. Lana yelps, then keeps running. Alanis is waiting for her. She doesn't have a mark on her. "You're not my friend anymore," she says, angrily.
Torch. Clark IDs the Alanis photo for Chloe and says it's Creepy Crazy Little Girl. Clark says they found her dad's car abandoned outside The Talon. Chloe guesses that Papa Luthor took custody of her after what happened last time at the bridge. Chloe says that the girl has also picked up a bad habit of walking through walls. Clark says that Papa Luthor's probably trying to find her before Lex gets to the girl. Chloe asks what Lex has to do with this. Clark, as he probably shouldn't, reveals that Lex has been working with the FBI to bring down Papa Luthor. Chloe asks why Clark didn't reveal the thing about Papa Luthor killing Lex's grandparents. Clark says they never had hard evidence of that, and the last time Lex followed that line of inquiry, he almost got killed. Chloe says that if they find the girl, they can show that Papa Luthor's been cloning people illegally. She wonders why the girl didn't escape earlier if she had the ability to leave whenever she wanted. Clark thinks it's because of Lana leaving. Yeah, that doesn't really answer the question, does it? Chloe asks how you'd keep someone around if you were Alanis. Clark says you'd make things the way they were when she and Lana were little. Clark rushes to the computer to test out his cockamamie theory. Chloe asks if Clark used to watch them play when they were neighbors. Clark says they used to spend more time at Creepy Crazy Little Girl's house. He says they have to figure out where it was they played. He's going to find that on Google? Clark looks up "Property Records" on the computer. Fun.
Back at the glass prison, Lana lies on the bed, tied down with rope. Alanis says, "Bye Lana," and leaves her in the cell. Lana calls after her and struggles with the ropes. Alanis -- who has no real motivations to speak of in this episode -- starts to kill her bestest friend by releasing smoke into the cell from some jury-rigged smoke pipe. Did this girl study engineering from her children's books? Lana starts to cough immediately. This is some dumb shit, right here.
Clark superspeeds onto a pastoral scene. He X-Ray visions the barn. Wait a minute. How is the writing on that smoke tank showing up in X-Ray vision? Lead paint again? I think not. Clark superspeeds into the barn, breaks through one of the glass windows, and turns the pipe on the smoke machine onto itself. Alanis just watches calmly. Clark unbinds Lana. He picks her up and lays her on some hay outside while Alanis superspeeds away herself. Lana starts to wake up. "Clark," she sighs. Clark races after Alanis at mach speed. They race through the barn and outside into a field. In slow motion, Clark's eyes light up and he shoots ejaculate pellets at the flimsy legs of a water tower that Alanis is running toward. The legs of the tower collapse. Water splashes. We CGI on Alanis running against a wall of water. It doesn't work. She's blasted back by some H2Ohno! She's grimy and unconscious. Clark watches her. We go to commercials.
If the girl goes to prison, it would be bad to tell people she was defeated by a water tower. That shit doesn't go over very well in the pen.
Now that that plot thread is over, it's time to start a whole new one. On a road at night, Pete is stopped as he's driving his snazzy convertible. Why they always gotta stop the black man? It ain't right. A guy in a black trenchcoat shines a flashlight at Pete. Pete asks if he was speeding. Hey, it's Craggy Chris Isaak! He tells Pete to get out of the car, and shows Pete his FBI badge. Pete asks if this is about his mom. Chris Isaak tells Pete that judges have to go through a routine security check. And some ass-kicking. Don't forget the ass-kicking.
We go straight to Stately Luthor Manor. Chloe is telling Lex about the murders of his grandparents. She tells Lex that he knew all this before he had his brain wiped. Chloe tells Lex that he got Morgan Edge's confession on video, but Papa Luthor erased it. Lex is depressed. There's no proof. Chloe says there's a voicemail confession from Papa Luthor himself. She says he tried to erase it, but that voicemails are like emails. They can be resurrected from the cybergraveyard by someone with enough pull. Like, er, Lex? Lex asks why she didn't tell him all this earlier. Chloe points out several people who've been killed along the way in this little family squabble. Point, Chloe. Lex steps toward her: "Chloe. It means a lot you're willing to do this for me." Lex says that Chloe is putting herself between Papa Luthor and the FBI. Not a great place to be. Chloe says she can't get under the grip of Papa Luthor otherwise. She smiles brightly. "Besides, I know you won't let anything happen to me," she says. Famous last words.
Ass-kicked Pete. Over by a Smallville dock I didn't even know existed, Pete is getting the stuffing beaten out of him by Craggy Chris Isaak. Pete has his hands bound together. Chris Isaak yells at Pete, asking if he can swim. Is it wise to do this interrogation publicly and in broad daylight? Pete says he doesn't know anything about a secret. "You're just his best friend," says Evil Chris Isaak. He threatens Pete with further bodily harm if he doesn't reveal Clark's secret. Pete defiantly promises not to tell this shitbag anything. Chris Isaak rears back to punch Pete but is stopped when his name is called out. It's Lex. Pete stands up and accuses Lex of siccing this guy on Clark. Lex deflects that. He says that Papa Luthor found out about Lex and the FBI and paid this guy off. Chris Isaak says he doesn't need a morality lesson from someone who ratted out his own father. Chris Isaak tells Lex he should be less worried about Clark and more worried about the pending homicide charges that are going to be brought back onto him. Lex says he's sure the guy's supervisors would be interested to know about his interrogation methods. Shot of a bloody Pete. Lex tells Chris Isaak he wants him to get back on the case he was assigned to. He hands over a transcript of the voicemail and says that's all the evidence he needs to put Papa Luthor away. "You're making a mistake, Lex," says the agent. But he takes the voicemail. Chris Isaak says that Pete is sitting on something bigger than Lex or his father. A Humvee? "Isn't that right, Pete?" he asks. Then he walks away, leaving Pete with Lex. Lex comes to check on Pete and undoes his handcuffs. Lex says that Clark was probably right to confide in Pete instead of in Lex. "He couldn't ask for a better friend," Lex says. He pats Pete and leads him away. Pete thought the dude was going to kill him. He gives Lex some thanks. "I'm sure when the time comes, you'll do the same for me," Lex says ominously.
On the farm. Oh, look. Cows. Pete pulls up in his blue ride. I'm not thinking this will be a happy meeting. Clark notices Pete's puffy puss. He asks what happened. Pete says that an FBI agent decided to go "off payroll." Huh? Pete says the guy wanted to know about Clark, but that Pete didn't tell him anything. Clark says he should have been there. Pete says that's just it -- Clark can't always be there. Pete has to look out for himself. He lets Clark know that "They" are on to him. Pete says it's Lex he really wants to warn Clark about. Pete thinks Lex knows. He's not sure how much, but Lex knows something. Pete doesn't think Lex will stop until he knows everything. He tells Clark to watch out for this bald beauty, and to take care of himself. Pete pats Clark on the arm and goes back to his car. Clark mentally calculates everything and his abacus-like synapses fire the equivalent of one of those little white poppers you throw at the sidewalk. "Pete? Why are you talkin' like that?" Clark asks. Pete lowers the bombshell: he's moving to Wichita with his mother. "No," Clark pleads. What about senior year? Clark says that Pete can't do this because of him. Pete says that when he said he was all right keeping Clark's secret, he lied. He says he worries every day that he'll slip up. "Well, why didn't you tell me sooner?" Clark whines. Pete says it's because Clark needed a friend, and so did Pete. And he needed those teeny, tiny residuals. Clark, defiantly, says, "Well, you don't have to move away." Clark says that there has to be a way. Nobody has to know they're friends. Oh, stop, Clark. Pete says he could never live with himself if he betrayed Clark. Pete mists up. It's the Sorta Gayest But More Hetero-Man-Lovingest Look of the Episode. He cries, miserably, "I'll see you around, Clark." They hug. Clark tries to show an emotion. Pete, still teary, goes to his car. Best. Three lines or so. Ever. For Pete, at least. Goodbye, Pete. I know we give you shit, but we will miss you. Nobody placed a product like Pete.
Obligatory Clark/Lana loft scene. Clark sees Lana come in, and his telescope is duly elevated. Lana, wearing blue instead of pink, says she heard that Crazy Alanis escaped the mental hospital. Clark says he heard; she was even heavily sedated when she escaped. I can't image that girl's eyes being any droopier. Lana asks if Clark thinks she'll come back. "No," Clark says, thankfully closing the door on future episodes with the girl: "I think Lionel Luthor will make sure of that." Wha? He didn't even have anything to do with capturing her. Clark asks if Lana is all right. Oh, sure, fine. Pink. Lana apologizes for ruining dinner. Clark says he's racked up more than a few IOUs. Lana is actually a tiny bit charming when she says she was looking forward to it. She asks what Clark wanted to tell her. Clark thinks about it. More bangers on the sidewalk. Clark steps forward. "I just wanted to tell you that..." He leans in and gives her one of those creepy uncle kisses where he goes for the cheek but instead lands on her neck in an unnecessarily erotic way. Lana closes her eyes in ecstasy. Oh, geez. Clark says, "Have a great time in Paris. I hope you find what you're looking for." Lana thinks, "That's it? You asshole!" She tells Clark goodbye and gets the hell out of Clark's barn of lies. No Coldplay music plays this time when she exits. No music plays at all. It's kind of nice, actually.
Papa Luthor's Office of Opera Music and Sin. Papa is listening to some classical music on his Sharper Image CD player. Lex walks in through the automatic doors. Papa Luthor chuckles. He asks if Lex is expecting forgiveness. Lex looks happy. He tells Papa Luthor not to make Lex Papa's own personal Judas. Is that like having your own Personal Jesus? Lex came to congratulate Papa Luthor for sweeping the Crazy Creepy Little Girl business under the rug. Papa Luthor chuckles more as he says they should have told the hospital about the girl; they have a history of misplacing patients. "It's the details. I've always tried to teach you...the devil is in the details. If you don't pay attention to the details," Papa Luthor says, "he'll win." Lex says it's a good thing he's a fast learner. He says that Papa Luthor went to all the trouble of committing Lex and erasing his memories. But, Lex says, his father's gotten careless. The automatic doors open behind Lex. Craggy Chris Isaak and a few FBI agents walk in. Papa Luthor gets up. Craggy Chris says Papa Luthor is under arrest. "On what charge?" Papa Luthor asks. "The murder of your parents, Lachlan and Elijah Luthor." Craggy Chris Isaak handcuffs Papa Luthor, who is completely shocked. I really hope he gets all nutty in jail like Jeffrey Tambor on Arrested Development. Lex watches with no emotion. As they take him out, Papa Luthor stops to Lex and moves his face close to Lex's cheek. "Be careful, son. Don't forget. Judas hung himself with his own rope." Lex doesn't move as they take his father away and the classical music continues. Lex finally closes his eyes in something like peace.