Not to get too personal here, but the day before this episode aired, after I was done stretching and preparing to come out of a long recapping-vacation nap, I get an email from some jackhole named Steve. He read a few recaps and decided to make a blanket statement about the entire site, listing point by point what he found wrong with what we do (starting with the length, the detail we go into, and our refusal to stick to mere reporting): "Attitude -- I admit that my perusal of your site was limited, but I did perceive a pervasive attitude. The attitude is hard to describe...maybe a cross between ennui and schadenfreude powered by hubris would be closest." Got that, kids? Ennui and schadenfreude, powered by hubris. Then, he went all Food Network on me: "In the past, reviewers would use outside references as salt and asides as pepper, then throw in a couple details as a seasoning, relying upon the show/program itself (plot, writing, development, production) for the main course. It seems from the reviews that I have read, even the main course can be subordinated by the spices." I wrote back saying we recappers are all aliens sharing one physical body and living in a 3/2 in Toronto. That seemed to work all right. What I should have said, in keeping with the food theme, was, "Hey, Steve -- suck my oregano."
What's my point with all this Steve stuff? Well, it's that I'm glad you faithful readers get what we do here, because apparently some folks really just don't. That, and you should just let people be when they're on vacation, or else they come back all crabby and pissy. What does that have to do with Smallville? Well, since you asked...
The first new episode in more than a month begins with on Kent Farm, where the aliens do chores and the menfolk tell the cows their troubles. We pan along the farm on a sunny day in the thirty-fourth seasonal climate change of the year. MamaKent, wearing a red coat, calls out, "What are you doing up there?" as the craning camera tracks her from a distance. "Clark should be doing that!" It's Bo, and he's up on the roof, setting something up. Ooh, it's a high-definition over-the-air antenna! All right, Bo! Wait a minute, that's the weirdest looking bi-directional OTA antenna I've ever seen. You're not even gonna pick up Telemundo with that thing. It looks like a weather vane! Hey, with that rooster on it, maybe you will catch Telemundo, and Univision to boot. I kid because I'm Latino. Bo tells MamaKent to quit her worrying. She begs him to be careful. Use a compass! Make sure you can pick up Fox with that thing! Bo says that he and his father built that roof. You know, with Amish slave labor. Bo says he could walk that roof blindfolded. Hey, Bo, watch where you point that cock. Bo places his mounted cock into the hole that holds the pipe. It creaks. Bo should really lube that up. MamaKent reminds Bo of what the doctor said about his taking it easy. Bo says that the doctor doesn't have a farm to run. No...because...he's a doctor, Bo. Try to keep up. (I had a bacteria farm joke in my back pocket, but I was too lazy to get up and dig it out.)
“ The weather vane tumbles off the roof in pursuit of Bo, and it would be a shame for me not to mention that it may be the first time Bo is impaled by a flying cock, but if Clark gets hit it won't exactly be a new experience, if you catch my drift and I think you do. ”
Oh no! Bad antenna reception! You'll never get Dolby Digital sound now, Bo. Wait, it's some sort of high-pitched squealing sound that makes Bo hold a hand to his ear in pain. We cut to a rolling cabinet-style tool box in the barn. Something within it glows orange like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. It's Marsellus Wallace's soul! Back on the roof, Bo Duke is still cupping his ears. MamaKent watches, worried that her fool husband is going to do a Homer Simpson off the roof. He squeals and takes a swing at his cock (hey, who hasn't?), and it comes loose, throwing Bo off-balance and sending him tumbling off the very steep roof. Bo tumbles. MamaKent screams. A few feet away, a farm boy bales hay with a pitchfork as the nearby cows sense that their sexual slavery may soon be over. Clark sees the continued tumble. He superzips his ass over there, hopping a fence at blur-speed. The weather vane tumbles off the roof in pursuit of Bo, and it would be a shame for me not to mention that it may be the first time Bo is impaled by a flying cock, but if Clark gets hit it won't exactly be a new experience, if you catch my drift and I think you do. Clark catches Bo. He rolls with his dad, getting out of harm's way and letting the cock contraption fly right into the dirt. What a dirty, dirty cock. "Dad, what are you doing, trying to fly?" Clark asks. No, he's trying to watch Everybody Loves Raymond in HD. Why can't you understand that, Clark? MamaKent comes to comfort her Homer while Bo complains about the noise he heard. MamaKent didn't hear it. Bo shrugs it off and prepares to get his fool ass back up there. Clark tries to stop him. Bo picks up and pulls away his damaged cock, grunting, "Dammit, Kal-El, I can get it myself!" MamaKent and Clark are like, "Bhuuu?" Bo doesn't know why he said that. And he can't explain the high-pitched hum, though Clark seems to know where it came from. Clark asks if it had something to do with Jor-El. Bo doesn't want to talk about it. Then he pitches his cock into a bush in frustration. Now, who among us hasn't had [This joke has been censored and Omar G has been fined a lot of money for one too many rooster/cock jokes. We apologize for the vulgarity. We're working to ensure a blander, more wholesome internet for you. -- Your pals at the FCC.]
In the Barnness of Marsellus Wallace Soulitude, Clark goes straight to the toolbox and takes out what was previously glowing within. It's the metal octagon. Hey, little guy! Long time no see!
Street-level, steam-over-grate corner shot of the LuthorCorp building in Metropolis. Papa Luthor is still about to kill himself. Dude, it's been over a month! You're still with the gun in your mouth? John Cusack in Better Off Dead didn't take this much time trying to commit suicide. Just as Papa Luthor is halfway to creating a new facial orifice, his cell phone rings. It's the Sprint PCS guy, and he's coming to deliver a monotone speech about how other cell-phone services can lead you to want to blow your head off. As opera music plays, still, Papa Luthor opens his eyes, releases the trigger, and seems to come to his senses because of the phone call. "What?" he answers tersely into the phone. "He is? All right. Have the chopper standing by." This suicide thing is just going to have to wait.
“ Suddenly, Bo Duke shows up with a shotgun. This cave isn't just going to take itself hostage, dammit. ”
In the Caves of Elaborate Machinery. The fake FBI agent is talking to Papa Luthor, who is very displeased that they didn't find what they were looking for on the Kent farm. Suddenly, Bo Duke shows up with a shotgun. This cave isn't just going to take itself hostage, dammit. Bo yells at everybody to leave, except Papa Luthor. Bo cocks his shotgun and shoots a poor, defenseless little laptop. NOOOOOOOOO! I think this may be the most emotional Smallville moment of the season for me. Why is Agent Tobin hugging Papa Luthor? Bo cocks again and tells Papa that he has no right to be down there. Bo says that Papa Luthor wants something that doesn't belong to him, and Bo's not going to let Papa Luthor take it. Papa Luthor says that there are some things so valuable in this world to be the sole possession of one person. Like, say, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Call me before I get married, Cathy! There's still time! Papa Luthor uses his gun as an extra arm to shove Papa Luthor against the cave wall and tell him to stay away from Bo's son. I really thought this conversation would happen between Bo and Lex someday. Papa Luthor changes tacks and says that if Bo had raised Clark the way Papa raised Lex (hair loss, dead mom, electroshock therapy), Bo wouldn't have to protect him. Papa Luthor says that weakness isn't something you're born with; it's taught. Bo clocks Papa Luthor in the mouth with the butt of his rifle. Holy crap! Papa Luthor attacks, and they crash into some equipment. Pretty sparks fly, and not just emotionally. It's a catfight! Lots of punching, rolling around and sissy slaps. And there's a forward donkey kick! And a head butt! And Bo being thrown through glass! Papa Luthor punches the shit out of Bo and then looks like he's trying to claw his eyes out. Oedipus, no!
Suddenly, something in Bo's pocket begins to glow. Why don't you give it a little squeeze and say, "How do ya do?" Actually, it's the Goddamned Octagon and it burns! BUUUUUURNS! Papa Luthor grabs at it, and the two fight for the now-yellow object. It falls. The two dive for it. Where did all this wind come from? Bo mounts Papa Luthor from behind and the two lock hands sweetly trying to reach for the octagon, which is now flying. This bit isn't gay, but I do think they should ban this kind of scene with a constitutional amendment. The two watch the octagon fly to the cave wall. The entire wall begins to shimmy and shake. Bo starts to put Papa Luthor in the sleeper hold. Clark suddenly appears and pulls Bo off as Papa Luthor gasps. Bo insists that it's the only way he'll know Clark is safe. By getting sent to prison? Lots of folks appear from nowhere (none of them saw the miraculous cave apparition?) and pull guns on Bo. Bo has his wits about him after all: he tells Papa Luthor that unless he wants to explain the fake FBI raid to the police, he'd better let Bo walk out of there. Papa Luthor tells his men to back off. An egghead tells Papa Luthor to come and take a look at something. Papa looks at the wall through a glass partition. The octagon hole seems sealed over. "The key's in the wall," Papa Luthor says with wonder. The metal object -- it's octagone! Everyone wonders what's up. Bo asks Clark where the key went. "I don't have it," says Clark. Well, crap.