Not to get too personal here, but the day before this episode aired, after I was done stretching and preparing to come out of a long recapping-vacation nap, I get an email from some jackhole named Steve. He read a few recaps and decided to make a blanket statement about the entire site, listing point by point what he found wrong with what we do (starting with the length, the detail we go into, and our refusal to stick to mere reporting): "Attitude -- I admit that my perusal of your site was limited, but I did perceive a pervasive attitude. The attitude is hard to describe...maybe a cross between ennui and schadenfreude powered by hubris would be closest." Got that, kids? Ennui and schadenfreude, powered by hubris. Then, he went all Food Network on me: "In the past, reviewers would use outside references as salt and asides as pepper, then throw in a couple details as a seasoning, relying upon the show/program itself (plot, writing, development, production) for the main course. It seems from the reviews that I have read, even the main course can be subordinated by the spices." I wrote back saying we recappers are all aliens sharing one physical body and living in a 3/2 in Toronto. That seemed to work all right. What I should have said, in keeping with the food theme, was, "Hey, Steve -- suck my oregano."
What's my point with all this Steve stuff? Well, it's that I'm glad you faithful readers get what we do here, because apparently some folks really just don't. That, and you should just let people be when they're on vacation, or else they come back all crabby and pissy. What does that have to do with Smallville? Well, since you asked...
The first new episode in more than a month begins with on Kent Farm, where the aliens do chores and the menfolk tell the cows their troubles. We pan along the farm on a sunny day in the thirty-fourth seasonal climate change of the year. MamaKent, wearing a red coat, calls out, "What are you doing up there?" as the craning camera tracks her from a distance. "Clark should be doing that!" It's Bo, and he's up on the roof, setting something up. Ooh, it's a high-definition over-the-air antenna! All right, Bo! Wait a minute, that's the weirdest looking bi-directional OTA antenna I've ever seen. You're not even gonna pick up Telemundo with that thing. It looks like a weather vane! Hey, with that rooster on it, maybe you will catch Telemundo, and Univision to boot. I kid because I'm Latino. Bo tells MamaKent to quit her worrying. She begs him to be careful. Use a compass! Make sure you can pick up Fox with that thing! Bo says that he and his father built that roof. You know, with Amish slave labor. Bo says he could walk that roof blindfolded. Hey, Bo, watch where you point that cock. Bo places his mounted cock into the hole that holds the pipe. It creaks. Bo should really lube that up. MamaKent reminds Bo of what the doctor said about his taking it easy. Bo says that the doctor doesn't have a farm to run. No...because...he's a doctor, Bo. Try to keep up. (I had a bacteria farm joke in my back pocket, but I was too lazy to get up and dig it out.)
Oh no! Bad antenna reception! You'll never get Dolby Digital sound now, Bo. Wait, it's some sort of high-pitched squealing sound that makes Bo hold a hand to his ear in pain. We cut to a rolling cabinet-style tool box in the barn. Something within it glows orange like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. It's Marsellus Wallace's soul! Back on the roof, Bo Duke is still cupping his ears. MamaKent watches, worried that her fool husband is going to do a Homer Simpson off the roof. He squeals and takes a swing at his cock (hey, who hasn't?), and it comes loose, throwing Bo off-balance and sending him tumbling off the very steep roof. Bo tumbles. MamaKent screams. A few feet away, a farm boy bales hay with a pitchfork as the nearby cows sense that their sexual slavery may soon be over. Clark sees the continued tumble. He superzips his ass over there, hopping a fence at blur-speed. The weather vane tumbles off the roof in pursuit of Bo, and it would be a shame for me not to mention that it may be the first time Bo is impaled by a flying cock, but if Clark gets hit it won't exactly be a new experience, if you catch my drift and I think you do. Clark catches Bo. He rolls with his dad, getting out of harm's way and letting the cock contraption fly right into the dirt. What a dirty, dirty cock. "Dad, what are you doing, trying to fly?" Clark asks. No, he's trying to watch Everybody Loves Raymond in HD. Why can't you understand that, Clark? MamaKent comes to comfort her Homer while Bo complains about the noise he heard. MamaKent didn't hear it. Bo shrugs it off and prepares to get his fool ass back up there. Clark tries to stop him. Bo picks up and pulls away his damaged cock, grunting, "Dammit, Kal-El, I can get it myself!" MamaKent and Clark are like, "Bhuuu?" Bo doesn't know why he said that. And he can't explain the high-pitched hum, though Clark seems to know where it came from. Clark asks if it had something to do with Jor-El. Bo doesn't want to talk about it. Then he pitches his cock into a bush in frustration. Now, who among us hasn't had [This joke has been censored and Omar G has been fined a lot of money for one too many rooster/cock jokes. We apologize for the vulgarity. We're working to ensure a blander, more wholesome internet for you. -- Your pals at the FCC.]
In the Barnness of Marsellus Wallace Soulitude, Clark goes straight to the toolbox and takes out what was previously glowing within. It's the metal octagon. Hey, little guy! Long time no see!
Street-level, steam-over-grate corner shot of the LuthorCorp building in Metropolis. Papa Luthor is still about to kill himself. Dude, it's been over a month! You're still with the gun in your mouth? John Cusack in Better Off Dead didn't take this much time trying to commit suicide. Just as Papa Luthor is halfway to creating a new facial orifice, his cell phone rings. It's the Sprint PCS guy, and he's coming to deliver a monotone speech about how other cell-phone services can lead you to want to blow your head off. As opera music plays, still, Papa Luthor opens his eyes, releases the trigger, and seems to come to his senses because of the phone call. "What?" he answers tersely into the phone. "He is? All right. Have the chopper standing by." This suicide thing is just going to have to wait.
Clark is in the Cave o' Plot Contrivance. Clark is holding the octagonal metal key, which has gone from dull metal to shiny and reflective. Clark must have busted out the Brasso. "Why did you have to bring him into this, Jor-El?" Clark asks out loud. The octagon is on speakerphone. Clark bravely offers to take on whatever promises his dad made. Now, Clark -- do you really want to be a cowfucker? "Come on!" Clark challenges, and I hear, "Get Into The Groove" by Madonna in my head. I'm waiiiiting! Clark yells that he's the one Jor-El wants. Ooh. Icky. Clark holds out the octagon as if he's telling someone to stop in the name of love. Love must be doing something right, because the octagon glows. The octagon hole in the cave wall reveals some pretty blue colors inside; the octagon, its symbols lit up in red, yellow, and blue, floats toward it. Ooh, prism light show! Put on some Pink Floyd! The octagon, still in mid-air, seems to communicate with the wall, trying to achieve something close to a 56k full-duplex connection.
We hear a familiar voice purr, "Who's down there?" Clark, panicked, grabs the octagon, stopping the increasingly pink display. It's Papa Luthor. He picked the wrong day to stop shooting himself in the face. Papa points his flashlight at Clark's face and feigns surprise. "Oh. It's you!" he says. Papa Luthor tells Clark not to let him interrupt. Clark says he came down to be alone. With his naughty magazines. Papa Luthor -- not looking at Clark as he talks -- says he understands; down in the caves he sometimes thinks it might be possible to solve the mysteries of the universe. "What do you think?" Papa Luthor asks, trying to have a moment. Clark says it's time for him to go. Papa Luthor stops Clark to ask him about Bo Duke and his recovery. Clark will only say he's better. Papa Luthor says it must be hard to see his father so...weak. "Weak, healthy, strong, he's still my dad," Clark says. Corny, bull-headed, with bovine predilections. "And I love him," Clark adds. Papa Luthor says of course Clark does; there's nothing to compare to a son's love for his father. Like he knows. Papa Luthor scoffs and puts a hand on Clark's shoulder. Oh, you two. Get a cave, already. "After all," Papa Luthor says, "you only get one." Clark backs away, trying to figure out how much Papa Luthor knows, but Clark is saddled with Clark's brain and the fool thing just...won't...calculate! Clark starts to exit, and Papa Luthor shines his flashlight at the octagonal cave hole. He notices that something is different. Clark sees this, and then superspeeds out of there. "Clark?" Papa Luthor calls calmly. Papa Luthor fingers the key-hole. We've been here before. We go to opening credits.
Hi, we're Pete and Chloe. We're off doing something more interesting than appearing in this week's episode. Don't you wish you could see it? Ah well. Maybe week.
Oh, and we're the cotton industry. It's okay to want cotton. Cotton rocks. And we don't use as much slave labor as we did in the 1800s. Honest.
Stately Luthor Manor. In Lex's office, our bald buddy is holding a copy of the Smallville Ledger. The front-page headline reads, "Scientists return to cave." Lex tells Papa Luthor -- who's pacing around the room -- that he's having a strange sense of déjà vu. You and me both, Lex. He asks why Papa Luthor is having a resurgence of interest in the caves. Papa Luthor rubs his hands together mischievously and sits to Lex. He says that something remarkable is happening. He asks whether Lex remembers the octagonal hole in the cave. The one suitable for fingering? Lex lies: "I'm sorry, Dad, that's your obsession, not mine." Papa Luthor scoffs the way dads do when you shoot down something they're excited about. Like, "Yes, yes, I know you think you know everything, you little brat, but...." Papa Luthor says he went to the caves and found Clark Kent down there. Lex smiles ruefully. Who hasn't gone down there looking for a little Clark action? Papa: "And the hole was open. He opened it somehow." Again, Lex is not wholly unfamiliar with going down and finding Clark and an open hole. Lex leans forward and says, dryly, "You know, Dad, they say mental illness is hereditary." Ha! Papa Luthor got told. Lex gets up and says he's willing to accept his break with reality. Papa Luthor blah blahs about famous men who were thought crazy in their time. Like Galileo. And Charlie Manson! Visionaries! "Where's the Inquisition when you need one [sic]?" Lex asks. Oh! Rimshot! No cymbal crash: with Lex it's always a rimshot. Papa Luthor enumerates the ways in which Clark and the cave are connected, more for us than for Lex because he has a whole room devoted to the mysteries of Clark. Lex says it's a coincidence, a term Papa Luthor says is used by "fools and liars." We zoom in strangely on Papa Luthor's mouth as he says that they could accomplish so much if they worked together. We pan to a button on Lex's shirt, through some circuitry, and into a cathode-tube-lit van, where feds are listening in on their conversation. Um, guys, you're inside a sealed van. I think you can use real lights. We zoom even further back out and see that the makeshift fed office is disguised as a utility van at a work site by the side of some Vancouver, er, Kansas road. It even says "KansCom." Ah yes. Very convincing.
Bo Duke is in the barn, toying with the octagon piece in his hand. This octagon has been handed around by men more often than Courtney Love. "You said there'd be more time," Bo tells the octagon gravely. Doesn't that sound like stage directions from some crappy avant-garde play? "Who are you talking to?" Clark asks, suddenly standing way over in the background. Tell him, Bo. You're talking to a freakin' octagon. Bo says he's not talking to anyone, just thinking out loud. Bo Duke-style. With bellows. Clark asks if he was talking to Jor-El. Bo testily says that not everything that's going on is about Clark's "real father." Clark says that Jor-El isn't his real father. "Yes he is, Clark," Bo says. "He is." Bitter much? Let's add some more salt. Bo says Jor-El is going to be around long after Bo's gone. Clark asks what's going on. Bo says he doesn't expect Clark to understand (that's reasonable), but that he almost died, and he's got existential angst. Bo is suddenly a thirteen-year-old listening to old Cure albums. "You're lucky, Clark. You won't ever have to face your mortality," says Bo. Just the mortality of every guest star who dares to cross Clark on the show. I thought we all agreed that was sort of a curse. Bo says that if Clark did, he'd find himself re-evaluating his choices, too. Doesn't Clark re-evaluate his choices all the time? Doesn't Lana take up half of the show with her second-guessing and whining about how things might have been? If there's one thing I would change about this show, it's all the freakin' navel-gazing that goes on. This isn't Proust, people. Plot, bitches, plot! Clark decides to self-pitycate: "Like taking me in?" he asks. Oh, no, no, no, no, not that, Bo backpedals. Bo says there are a lot of chances he never took. He asks that Clark not let Bo's mistakes be his. Clark says they should go inside. He offers his hand, and Bo drops the octagon into it. Clark wraps it in a dirty rag and puts it back into the toolbox, locking it with the tiniest of locks that even a midget could break by breathing on it. Way to secure the interplanetary object, doofwad.
The Talon. Crap. Lana. Clark is reading a serious book titled Handbook of Assessment and Treatment Planning for Psychological Disorders. Yeah, nice "reading" there, Clark. I'm sorry there aren't funny drawings in the margins. Is that Dido playing in the background? Lana says that looks like heavy reading for Psych 101. She's right. Psych! Clark says he's trying to get a handle on his dad's surgery. By reading about mental illness. Lana says that when she was in the hospital, she was told depression is pretty common after surgery. I think the doctor meant everybody was depressed that Lana was going to be around them for an extended period of time. Clark mopes. Lana says it's all right, and that there isn't anything Clark can't recover from. Clark asks what happens if you screw up something so badly you can never get it back. Well, where I come from, they call that the Bush Administration. Lana says that depends on how determined you are. Lana wanders off. Clark makes a goofy face suggesting gastrointestinal distress.
Over at the fed van down by the river, Lex is meeting with his law-enforcement buddies. They ask what's up with Papa Luthor's cave obsession. You know, it doesn't really work for your undercover super-secret van operation if you're walking around in plain view with Lex Luthor outside of it and his car parked nearby. Lex says it's just one of his father's eccentricities. "Along with Clark Kent?" one of the feds asks. Hey, that's asking below the belt! Lex says that Clark Kent has nothing to do with his father. The fed who looks like Chris Isaak gone to seed says it didn't sound like that to him. To him it sounds like Papa Luthor has a crush and he wants to be k-i-s-s-i-n-g, oooooh! Craggy Chris Isaak complains that Lex offered them full disclosure but isn't being forthcoming enough. They'd like at least a fifth or sixth-coming. In the van. With some Zepplin playing. Lex says that before he helped them, all they had on Papa Luthor was creative bookkeeping. Lex is giving them illegal cellular research (it WAS the Sprint PCS guy he was talking to!), cloning, and crimes against humanity. "So leave Clark out of this," Lex demands. "Hmm," the agent says. "Hmm" indeed. The fed brings up Lex's own unhealthy fascination with Clark. The guy says that sounds like more than your average kid from "Podunk." Podunk, Vancouver, incidentally. Lex says, sexily, that maybe if he speaks into the microphone, Seedy Chris Isaak will hear it clearer. He leans in. "Clark Kent is nobody," Lex says. The other agent, who has strange platinum-frame glasses, says that Clark is friends with Dr. Virgil Swann. Oops. Lex didn't know that. The feds walk away from Lex's stench of ignorance.
It's Dr. Swann's huge castle of a building. Inside, Swann, in his wheelchair, moseys over to Papa Luthor, who is waiting for him in an open area of the huge interior. Swann says that big corporate types don't usually show up at his door unannounced. Papa Luthor apologizes, but says it's urgent. Swann says he's been wondering how long it would take Papa Luthor to show up. Swann says that Papa Luthor's probably been reading his emails to Clark. He doesn't seem upset about that. Swann says he's a scientist; he finds curiosity to be an admirable trait. Sneaky scientist! Papa Luthor says he's willing to hand over ownership of the caves if Swann can tell him what's written on those infernal walls. Swann says he can't help; the language is a mystery to him. Papa Luthor asks whether Swann knows anything about this octagonal keyhole thingee. Papa brings up Clark and the keyhole opening. Swann jokes that Papa Luthor needs a locksmith. Papa Luthor chuckles and says he used to have the octagon before it was stolen. He blames Clark. Papa Luthor asks Swann to talk to Clark. Papa Luthor smoothly says that it's a small price to pay for the answers Swan is seeking. Swann says he knows what he is after, but he wants to know what Papa Luthor is up to. He answers his own question: "You're dying." Papa asks how Swann knew that. Swann seems to have his own spying game going. Papa Luthor thinks the caves could save his life. Swann says he believes in the extraordinary, but prefers to follow his own path. Ooh, a no! Smack! Papa Luthor excuses himself and starts to go. Swann tells Papa Luthor that he doesn't know what would happen if he used the key on the lock. Papa says he's willing to take that chance. Swann decides that maybe they can do some dirty dealing after all. Dramatic music. Deal with the devil! Commercials!
Mmm white chocolate Reese's peanut butter cups.
Industry! In the Caves of Haven't We Been Here Before?, workers are setting up lights and industrial-looking equipment. Clark wanders in and wonders what the green stone is going on here. Papa Luthor tells him, "Clark, I'm afraid I've invaded your sanctuary." Clark asks what Papa's trying to find down there. "You tell me. How'd you open it, Clark?" he asks. First, Papa Luthor, you have to open your heart. Clark plays dumb. Or rather, he plays Clark. Papa Luthor busies himself by signing clipboards here and there. Cave work is hard, but the paperwork is a real bitch. Clark tries to turn the tables on Papa Luthor by accusing him of bribing friends to be spies. Papa speechifies about being put on this earth to find your task. "We can't do that alone," he says. Clark gets frustrated. As far as Papa Luthor's finding what he's looking for? "I'm much closer than you think," he tells Clark, with a wolf's smile.
Kent Farm at night. Multiple police cars with lights flashing and black-label government license plates swoop in. MamaKent, in helpless Ma mode, rushes to the porch and asks what's going on. FBI Agent Tobin tells MamaKent they're going to search the place. He gives her a warrant and walks right past her. Inside the kitchen, drawers are being dumped out. Tobin is the least-convincing-looking FBI agent ever. He looks like he should be hanging out with Tony on The Sopranos.
In the barn, more searching. Everything is being ripped apart. Doesn't it make more sense to search during the day when there's light? And where's Bo? Someone grabs the tool box and starts to cut the lock on it. MamaKent tries to stop them, but Tobin grabs her and tells her to wait outside. Or he'll smack her with a cannoli! The tiny toolbox lock is broken with a huge pipe cutter.
We cut immediately to The Talon at night. They're not even bothering to show us what's on the marquee anymore. Clark leaves a message with his mom saying he's still looking for his father. At The Talon in the middle of the night? You'd think MamaKent would call Clark on the cell phone we all thought he owned. Clark turns to Lana and thanks her for letting him use her phone. I guess the deal with Verizon fell through. Lana asks what's up. Clark explains that his dad went AWOL. Right in the middle of chores, he just up and took off. Lana says it'll be all right. Clark apologizes and Lana tells him he never has to apologize for opening up to her. They both lean in. Seal is playing in the background and it's not one of his more up-tempo pop hits, so...they kiss. Passionately and with no red Kryptonite influence. It's actually a tiny bit sweet. "Lana?" Clark whines. She says she knows this is a stressful time. She sounds like she's going to cry. Clark says that's not what this is about. He says he doesn't want to look back like his dad and wonder what his life could have been. How is that not about what's going on? Lana says they've tried this before. Clark parrots her "There's nothing you can't recover from" speech. "No, I wasn't talking about us," Lana says. Her all-inclusive pronouncements aren't meant to be taken literally, Clark! Jeez! Don't listen to what she says, listen to what she wears. Pink means go away. Lana does her Renée Zellweger face and says that Bo Duke is the one who needs Clark right now. Clark puts away his blue balls and agrees reluctantly. Clark leaves. Lana goes back to rubbing the bar with her dirty cloth and crying. "Stupid, stupid me!" she thinks bitterly.
The Graveyard of Fog Machine Engineer Employment. Bo is kneeling to the his parents' graves. Clark has found him (I think we were missing some scenes back there about Bo taking off in the first place), and says they've been worried about him. Bo asks how Clark knew to find him there. Clark says that when he feels lost, he turns to his dad. It runs in the family. Bo says that his dad was the stubbornest man he ever knew, and that Bo wasn't nearly the son Clark is. Bo says they were two sides of the same coin, "dukin' it out." He said "dukin'!" Rock! Bo wonders if Jor-El and Clark are the same way. Clark says that Jor-El isn't his father; Bo is. "Yeah," says Bo bitterly. Bo accuses himself of turning his back on Clark and forcing Clark to run away. He wishes he had Grandpappy Hiram's strength and wisdom. Or his buried platitude treasure. Bo says he doesn't know how to protect Clark anymore. Clark says his job was to teach Clark how to protect himself. Clark says MamaKent needs Bo, too. He says, "Let's go home." We crane up to see the creepy graveyard as the two of them head for the farm.
Lex's lair at night. The sexy fireplace is going. He's sitting across from Lana, and they're going over bills from The Talon. Lex asks if something else is going on with her. She plays the denial game. Lex insists that she can tell him anything. Like when she lost her virginity to Lloyd Dobler. Lana turns at the door and decides to spill her guts. She carries her business purse like a four-year-old. She says she wants to believe that someone can change, but that she's starting to lose faith. She starts to cry. "Are we talking about Clark?" Lex asks. Lana tells Lex about the kiss. "He kissed you?" Lex asks in disbelief. "Why, that no-good, two-timing, little farmboy bitch!" he thinks. Lana says it's like Clark ripped off her right boob flap on a corset at the Super Bowl. "Isn't that what you wanted?" Lex asks. Who the hell knows what Lana wants? She's like an emotional garbage disposal. Lana smiles and cries at the same time. This girl is wacko. She says she doesn't know. Lex comes over and sits to her. He says he's a little jaded in romance, but what he does know is that someone usually winds up getting hurt. Damn. Profound, Lex. Did you get that out of a history book? Lana asks if she can't trust Clark. He says it's not about trust. He quotes the German poet Rilke, who said that a person isn't who he was during your last conversation with him. He is who he's been throughout your whole relationship. All right, that is a little profound. Incidentally, Rainer Rilke's middle name was "Maria." No wonder he was so pessimistic about love. Lex gives Lana an intense stare, and I get a little uncomfortable.
Clark and Bo come back to the barn to find it a mess. Where are those Queer Eye guys when you need them? MamaKent explains about the FBI. She says that the only thing that's missing is the key. Clark goes to the tool box: "I have to get that back!" Bo says it doesn't matter. "How can you say that?" Clark yells at him. Bo says they didn't get what they came for. Dad's got the octagon! Dramatic looks all around. It's all about the octagon, people. Bow down.
Commercials. The Prince & Me. I really wish a hunky Danish prince would come and write the rest of this recap. Now that's love.
Scary Luthor Manor at night. Lex is on the same seat he was when he was talking to Lana, but this time there are two heavyset German gentlemen in Lana's seat. I'm liking zee Germans more at this point. Clark busts into the room just as Lex is busting out his language skills. Lex asks if this can wait. Lex excuses himself, in German. Mein exiten! Clark tells Lex about the FBI invasion. Clark says he thinks Papa Luthor is to blame, and recaps Papa's fixation on Clark and the caves. Lex pours himself a drink. He's back on the sauce. Lex spins and says that even though Papa Luthor's methods are questionable, his reasons usually have a grain of truth to them. Clark says Papa Luthor is obsessed. Obsessed! Lex squeezes Clark's forearm; we even get a close-up of it. He says he's glad Clark told him. In bed. He says it means a lot that Clark trusts him enough to let him help. In bed. Clark asks if there's something Lex isn't telling him. Lex looks away, but just for a second. "And what would that be, Clark?" he asks. You shouldn't have kissed Lana, Clark. Now you've got Lex on the rebound.
We cut to the inconspicuous FBI van that hasn't moved in days. Lex pulls up in his snazzy silver ride. He yells at the feds, asking what they're doing at the Kent Farm. The FBI guy, hanging out at the back of the van, says that Lex is gonna blow their cover. I have to laugh at that. Lex goes inside the van. Seedy Chris Isaak says that if they want to take a look at Clark, they have every right to. Lex asks if those weren't his men who tore up the farm. FBI guy says they don't make it a habit of storming farmhouses. Er...Waco? "What is it about this kid you're trying to protect?" asks Seedy Chris Isaak. Heh heh. Clark superzips onto the scene and spots the completely not-out-of-place FBI van. He does his X-Ray vision on it. Oh my God! One of those skeletons is bald! Clark adjusts his X-Ray zoom lens to focus on the spy wire that Lex has taped to his chest. Then, Clark does his audio zoom lens on the van. Clark is like a multifunction Palm Pilot these days. He hears Seedy Chris Isaak and Lex talking. FBI dude says they're not interested in some farm boy, they're interested in Lex's father. Isn't that the exact opposite of what they were plying Lex about earlier? The FBI guy tells Lex to get the hell out of here so they can work. This whole scene rings pretty false.
Outside, Lex walks away as the van drives off. He click-clicks to open his car doors with his key remote, but before he can get in, an angry farmboy swings him around. Clark pushes Lex up against the car. "Your father's not the one working with the FBI, it's you!" Lex tells Clark he has to trust him. "I did!" Clark yells and...I'm not making this up, folks...tears Lex's shirt off at the shoulders to expose his wire tap. I've wanted us to see this moment for years, but not like this. Not like this. This is just a bad Justin Timberlake impression. Clark rips the wire off of Lex. Despite its intimations of rough sex, it's still the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex tells Clark as he walks off that he's got it all wrong. It's pants first, then shirt! Lex yells that it's not about Clark; they're trying to take down Papa Luthor. Lex reveals that his dad tried to pin the Metron murders on Lex, so Lex made a deal with the feds. As inspirational music plays, Lex says he's given his dad chances to show who he is. Lex comes close to Clark. He says he realized he already knows, and that his dad deserves what's coming to him. As the camera shakes a bit (sexual tension!), Clark accuses Lex of invading his privacy. Lex says he didn't send the FBI to Clark's farm, but that Papa Luthor may have had his own men go in. Oh, snap! He's right! Lex says the question is why. "Maybe he's on to you! Maybe he's warning you to back off!" Clark yells childishly. Lex says he's sorry if that's true, but he thinks Clark is already involved. Clark, defensive, asks what he means. Lex asks about Dr. Swann. Can I just add what a douche Clark is for trying to make Lex feel guilty for spying on him when he just five seconds ago was spying on Lex? Superdouche! Clark hesitates and lies: "What makes you think I know him at all?" Lex heard from the FBI that his dad is talking to Swann. And that Papa Luthor found Swann through Clark. Have I already mentioned that Clark is being an absolute douche? I would hate to leave that out of my recap. Clark lies yet again and says that Swann has been studying the cave paintings. Which isn't technically a lie, but isn't the truth, either. Lex says he doesn't know how Clark did it, but he's got two billionaires interested in him and his caves. It's every butt-boy's dream! "They're your enemies," Lex says with intensity, "not me."
Swann's big-ass building. "You betrayed me!" Clark yells to Swann, who's chilling in an open foyer. "Hello, Kal-El," Swann says, all cool and calm. "My name is Clark," says our mopey teen hero. He's Clark Kent, bitch! Swann asks if Clark thinks the betrayal came from his talking to Papa Luthor. Clark says he's doing more than that. Swann promises that he didn't reveal Clark's secret. He adds that his involvement with Papa Luthor is in Clark's best interest. Clark isn't buying it. Swann asks whether Papa Luthor caused the explosion on the farm or made Clark run wild in Metropolis. Swann says he opened the door to Clark's origins because he thought Clark could handle it. Oops. Swann says he was wrong. Clark reveals the other message in the ship from Jor-El: that he was sent to conquer Earth. Clark asks if that's true. Swann looks to the left and says he doesn't have all the answers. He's still on the same journey as Kal-El. Clark asks him not to call him by that name. Swann tries to make Clark feel better by saying the struggles of fathers and sons are as old as time itself. Ever seen a daddy amoeba try to force his son to split before he wants to? It's messy. Clark insists he's not human. He says it with a lump in his throat I normally only associate with his scenes with Lex. It's time for a Science Platitude from Swann: "Humanity is not only about biology." Clark insists that everything Jor-El has predicted has come true, and that his deal with Bo is killing him. Swann says that if Clark continues on this path, he'll expose his secret to the Luthors and to the world. Clark doesn't want Bo to die for his mistakes. Swann says that if that's Clark's decision, there's something else he has to show Clark. "Activate screen," Swann announces. A panel pops up and reveals a message in Kryptonian. Clark goes to read it. Is it Rumbaf before Quarf, except after Spleii? Clark reads: "I am waiting." He says it must be from Jor-El. Swann says that the message wasn't from space. It was from Earth. He believes that it wasn't meant for Clark. So...who was it meant for? No clue? No? Really? All right, then.
The Barnness of Here We Are Againitude. The tool box is glowing again. Bo opens it and takes out the octagon, which has had more screen time this season that Pete. Yay, octagon! Bo thinks about the octagon, and then walks offscreen. Octagonal drama! Exciting! But not really.
Commercials. It's the season finale of The Help. That show had a season?
In the disheveled Kent home. Clark walks into the house and calls out for Bo, but can't find him. It's daytime. MamaKent says that Bo left again. She tells Clark not to be too hard on him. Clark explains about the message from Jor-El and how Swann thinks it's meant for someone other than himself. Clark thinks Bo's been getting messages from the octagon. Like, "Hey, fucker, put me down already! I'm screwing the show up!" MamaKent, still in O, Merciful Heavens A'hm Helpless! Mode, asks what Jor-El wants with Bo Duke. Clark doesn't know but he needs to find Bo. Where do you think he went? Oh, gee, I wonder.
In the Caves of Elaborate Machinery. The fake FBI agent is talking to Papa Luthor, who is very displeased that they didn't find what they were looking for on the Kent farm. Suddenly, Bo Duke shows up with a shotgun. This cave isn't just going to take itself hostage, dammit. Bo yells at everybody to leave, except Papa Luthor. Bo cocks his shotgun and shoots a poor, defenseless little laptop. NOOOOOOOOO! I think this may be the most emotional Smallville moment of the season for me. Why is Agent Tobin hugging Papa Luthor? Bo cocks again and tells Papa that he has no right to be down there. Bo says that Papa Luthor wants something that doesn't belong to him, and Bo's not going to let Papa Luthor take it. Papa Luthor says that there are some things so valuable in this world to be the sole possession of one person. Like, say, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Call me before I get married, Cathy! There's still time! Papa Luthor uses his gun as an extra arm to shove Papa Luthor against the cave wall and tell him to stay away from Bo's son. I really thought this conversation would happen between Bo and Lex someday. Papa Luthor changes tacks and says that if Bo had raised Clark the way Papa raised Lex (hair loss, dead mom, electroshock therapy), Bo wouldn't have to protect him. Papa Luthor says that weakness isn't something you're born with; it's taught. Bo clocks Papa Luthor in the mouth with the butt of his rifle. Holy crap! Papa Luthor attacks, and they crash into some equipment. Pretty sparks fly, and not just emotionally. It's a catfight! Lots of punching, rolling around and sissy slaps. And there's a forward donkey kick! And a head butt! And Bo being thrown through glass! Papa Luthor punches the shit out of Bo and then looks like he's trying to claw his eyes out. Oedipus, no!
Suddenly, something in Bo's pocket begins to glow. Why don't you give it a little squeeze and say, "How do ya do?" Actually, it's the Goddamned Octagon and it burns! BUUUUUURNS! Papa Luthor grabs at it, and the two fight for the now-yellow object. It falls. The two dive for it. Where did all this wind come from? Bo mounts Papa Luthor from behind and the two lock hands sweetly trying to reach for the octagon, which is now flying. This bit isn't gay, but I do think they should ban this kind of scene with a constitutional amendment. The two watch the octagon fly to the cave wall. The entire wall begins to shimmy and shake. Bo starts to put Papa Luthor in the sleeper hold. Clark suddenly appears and pulls Bo off as Papa Luthor gasps. Bo insists that it's the only way he'll know Clark is safe. By getting sent to prison? Lots of folks appear from nowhere (none of them saw the miraculous cave apparition?) and pull guns on Bo. Bo has his wits about him after all: he tells Papa Luthor that unless he wants to explain the fake FBI raid to the police, he'd better let Bo walk out of there. Papa Luthor tells his men to back off. An egghead tells Papa Luthor to come and take a look at something. Papa looks at the wall through a glass partition. The octagon hole seems sealed over. "The key's in the wall," Papa Luthor says with wonder. The metal object -- it's octagone! Everyone wonders what's up. Bo asks Clark where the key went. "I don't have it," says Clark. Well, crap.
Kent farm during the day. You didn't think they were going to end this episode without some more Clark 'n Lana shit, did you? There's a God of this show and He is not merciful. Clark is puttering around with a wheelbarrow. Lana pulls up in her Jeep Liberty. Some alt-crappy song about Mona Lisa is playing. On her best day, Lana is no Mona Lisa. She's not even Lisa Simpson. She's also wearing a pink peacoat on a sunny day and a pink scarf. Even the Pink Panther is like, "Damn, girl, dial it down! Da dum da dum...da dum...da dum da dum da dum da dum da duuuuuuuuum." Lana just came to...does she even know why she's here? She says they left things in a weird place. On her upper lip. Clark says that his feelings have never changed. He's immobile that way. Yikes. Lana says that part of her knows that, but it's like Lex says -- people are who they've always been. Why don't you credit Rilke with that, ya plagiarizing beeyotch? Clark asks what Lex has to do with this. Lana says she trusts him. She says Lex wants what's best for them. Clark brings up all the times they've avoided what they really want. Lana accuses Clark of backing away every time they get close. She's tired of this shit! "You can't keep changing the rules," she says. That's unfair because Clark thought the game they were playing was Uno. Clark says he doesn't want to hurt Lana and that he isn't leave this time. "Maybe I am," Lana says. A spine! There's a spine under all that pink! Lana says she's been so focused on Clark she's missing her whole life. Her whole exciting pink pancake, no-friend, no-relative havin' Talon and coffee life. Wow, Lana. That's a lot of living there. "Like seeing other people," Clark says glumly. Lana says no, more like "everything." She says she can't keep doing this with Clark. Sad strummy bullshit music keeps playing. Lana leaves as the strings start to play. Clark moves his eyebrows a little. Acting!
Out on the farm, Bo stops his tractor. He finds Clark hanging out by the wood fence looking like a cat with no legs in a room full of mice. He notices that Lana didn't stay too long. Thanks, Dad. Bo asks if Clark is all right. Clark says they're going to have to talk about what happened in the cave. Clark is upset that Bo was so careless taking the key down there. Bo says he was drawn to it. Like cows to an attentive, platitude-spewing farmer. Clark says he thought Bo sacrificed his health in his deal with Jor-El, but now Clark knows it's more than that. Bo says he's not too proud of his behavior over the last few days, but it wasn't Jor-El who wsa responsible; it was Bo. Clark asks what Jor-El is waiting for. "How do you know about that?" Bo asks. Clark just says, "Dr. Swann." Bo is mad and says it's none of Clark's concern. Bo tells Clark to let him take responsibility for his decision. "Because now we're both in [Papa Luthor's] sights," Clark says. He asks what they'll do when Papa Luthor gets the key out of the wall. Bo says the key isn't in the wall. Clark asks if Bo took it. "No," Bo says. "It's still out there somewhere."
Cut to...out there somewhere. In an ornate little lit-up case, Dr. Swann has the octagon. He stares at it. Intently. Or at least I think it's still the octagon. The lighting and reflection makes it look a little weird on the bottom. But let's just say for the sake of argument that it's still the octagon. How did it get here? How did it arrive? And who the hell really cares at this point? All this over an octagon? Are we so starved for drama on this show that we'll accept a seasons-long subplot about a metal disc? It better have the original Beatles Abbey Road recordings on it or something or I'm going to be very disappointed.
Also? The episode is over. How do you like them rotten apples? The music crescendos two extra times to really let you know that it's over. It's over! DUM DUM! Also? Dumb dumb.
A rerun of the Christopher Reeve paralysis organization PSA. It's still cute.
week: Who knows. Let's just hope it's not about a piece of metal. Unless it's Voltron. Then I won't mind so much.