El Futuro

S03E16

By Omar G

In red italic lettering against black: "Tonight's presentation contains material some viewers may find disturbing. Parental discretion is advised." Uh oh. The Gay Marriage Amendment finally made The WB nervous enough to disclaim this entire show.

And now, for your viewing (and now, reading) pleasure, the Smallville Community Players present for you a play in four acts (including prologue)! It concerns future events which may not be so future-flung than you may think! Please, sit a spell, and try not to think of the movie Frequency or a certain trilogy of cinema treats that starred Michael J. Fox. And without further ado, we present (in high definition, where available): "Crisis."

A large, funky artsy building that appears to be made entirely of orange clay and tin. It's sitting in the middle of nowhere as Clark and Pete walk up to the entrance. Instead of establishing the building and then cutting to Clark and Pete, we start with a really wide shot with Clark and Pete just doop-de-dooing along in the background. The Omniscient Camera of Unnecessary Crane Placement flies down from the sky and settles upon the two suddenly-buddy-buddy-again pals as they carry coffee down the sidewalk. I still don't understand people who can drink coffee after dark. The WB really wants a nation of jittery insomniac viewers. Pete says he didn't think Lana would find somebody to cover her shift so late, but he didn't figure on "The Clark Factor." If that pre-episode warning was supposed to cover awful whiny scenes of Lana, they're about two and a half seasons too late. Clark smugly says that Lana was having her own "Crisis" over a history exam. Way to work the episode title into the second line of dialogue this week, Clark. Bravo. Pete says that this shift thing can't compare to an all-you-can-drink all-night cram session at The Talon. Or an all-you-can-cram all-night barn session with Lex. Clark gets the door for Pete, because white and black man have come together again in unity after the polarizing events of "Velocity." The camera pans over to a funky yet crude sign that says "SMALLVILLE YOUTH CENTER." That doesn't mean you have to let the youth design the building and paint all the signs.

Inside, it's like NORAD for Magic: The Gathering geeks. There's no noise of billiard balls clacking or basketballs bouncing or any other sounds you'd associate with a reputable youth center. Instead, kids are huddled at tables with their heads hanging low in strange silence, as if this were a NAMBLA hideout in disguise and kids were waiting their inevitable turn. Clark gives Pete props for spending so much time volunteering at the youth center. Pete's a righteous man. Well, what else was he going to do every week after his lines were up? Pete says he's been helped many a time and wanted to give something back. "Hi, Pete," a very creepy girl on the phone says to our underused ebony man. Pete grins sheepishly. Oh, he wanted to give nookie back. Clark gathers that Pete is honing his "sensitive-guy skills." A phone rings. Pete sits down and says, "Watch and learn." Behind Pete and Clark is a sign that reads, "Smallville teen crisis hotline." The "O" in "Hotline" is a red old-timey phone. Pete answers the phone and looks bored immediately. "Uh huh? Well, how long has it been since they've been divorced?" he asks. This is gonna be a long-ass night. Pete, with no clinical training whatsoever, asks the person on the phone if they've talked to their folks about whatever problem this is. They're putting Clark on the crisis hotline? Hasn't anybody noticed that anybody who has a chance meeting with Clark tends to end up dead or in an asylum? But, hey, let's do it for the kids, right? Another phone rings. Pete motions for Clark to sit down and answer it. Clark answers the cordless handset. The camera zooms in on him. We hear noise on the line. There's buzzing and a high-pitched whine. Also, a whine from Lana. "Clark!" she yells on the other end.

Lana is running. She's wearing a white and blue snowflake sweater and holding a cell phone. She's running through what looks like a warehouse. She tells Clark, "It's happening." Yeah. And it's awful: Lanaville. Clark, alarmed, asks if Lana is there. More static and buzzing on the connection. "Lana?" Clark says. "He's got a gun!" Lana yells as she runs, holding the phone. We see a gunshot clip a wall as Lana turns a corner and runs past it. Also on the line: an announcer giving the results of a basketball game. Lana bursts out of the warehouse back door and into a rainy night. She runs down some metal stairs. "Clark! Please!" she yells. Clark listens with all his might (but not his superhearing yet). A guy in a blue jumpsuit exits through the same door Lana ran out of. He's holding a rifle. Lana runs in slow motion. Clark keeps saying Lana's name. A shot is fired. Lana is shot right in the back. Blam! Capped! She falls and lands face-down in a puddle of water. Hey, I know I can be harsh on Lana sometimes, but this is ice-cold, y'all. "Lana!" Clark yells into his end of the phone conversation. Close-up on Lana's dropped cell phone. Lana lies unconscious. At the crisis center, Clark tells Pete to call the police, and gets out of there. Close-up on the bullet hole in the back of Lana's sweater. Dark blood spreads outward as the camera pulls back from a sky view. Lightning flashes. Lana's dead, baby. Lana's dead.

Or is she? Clark superzips into The Talon. He's like, "Huh? What the --" Lana and Chloe are sitting on a couch together, studying. Chloe is wearing dark pink -- almost purple -- and Lana's in orange. Something is definitely screwy here. "Knock much?" Chloe asks. It's not like you were being naughty, experimenting pre-lesbians, Chloe. Lana looks at Clark and playfully says, "You're too late. I turned off the cappuccino machine an hour ago." Zoom in on a confused, perplexed, and freaked-out Clark Kent. "So, wait, I don't have to save you?" We go to the opening credits.

"Hi. We're original Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. We don't know what the hell is going on this season, either. Re-animated corpses? Whatever, dudes."

Ooh, Hellboy. Yeah, I know it looks silly, but the director rocks and Blade 2 was a fantastic comic-book style movie. Give it a chance, folks.

Ominous power lines hover above the youth center, which, with its V-shaped roof, looks a bit like Canada's answer to Whataburger. We jump immediately to a tape playing in a tape player with "4 HEAD" in big letters on the front. Hee. Forehead. Lana is yelling for help, and Clark is calling her name from, presumably, the night before. We see Lana reacting nauseatedly to the tape-recorded incident. Pete and Sheriff Cheshire are there, too. Pete says that the call came from a blocked ID. "Sounds like your voice, Miss Lang," says Cheshire. Lana says it can't be. Clark guesses it's a prank. A very hopeful prank by a fan of the show. Cheshire busts out her homespun wisdom and says that these incidents often come from closer to home than you'd expect. Like, in the bathroom. Cheshire must not know Lana very well, because she asks if the Pink Pwinceth had anything to do with this. Clark answers for Lana that she didn't. Cheshire says that unless Lana has grown a few inches and developed an affinity for plaid (pink plaid?), Clark should shut the fuck up. Cheshire supposes somebody could be imitating Lana. "Why would anyone do that?" asks Lana. Gee, I don't know. It's not like she's had stalkers or admirers or lesbian attractions or geeking adoration from producers every week since this show's been on the air. I just don't know, Lana. It's a mystery for the ages. Cheshire makes me dizzy with her homespinning: she says that if she had the answer to all the "whys" in this town, she'd have a bestseller on her hands. Freaky Freaks and the Freaking Freaksters who Freak Them, the new book by Sheriff Cheshire. She promises to look into this. But she reminds everyone that crank calls are not a top priority. Unless the call was from Spoony Love from up above. Now, if you'll excuse her, Cheshire has to go find a suspect who called a bar looking for Amanda Huginkiss. "You okay?" Clark asks Lana. She says that if someone is doing this as a joke, they have a pretty sick sense of humor. My bad. I totally made the prank call. I thought it was hilarious. Clark vows to help figure out who did this.

Smallville High. It's spring all of a sudden. A bell rings. In the offices of The Torch, Chloe has hooked up the ancient tape recorder to her snazzy Alienware computer. She's got some cheesy-looking audio-editing software going. She tells Clark that the connection was bad; they're missing pieces of the conversation. Lana looks on, not wearing pink today, and worried. Chloe says that the background noise is constant throughout. Chloe's audio expertise and years of engineering training lead her to believe that the recording wasn't spliced together. She changes two settings on the audio software to lower the sound of static. We can hear the steady sound of what Lana says sounds like rain. Clark says they haven't had a storm in months. "Clark, it's happening!" Lana screams on the recording. Lana asks why she'd say that. Bad script? Clark, squinting, says it's almost as if she was expecting something to happen. Something that would advance the plot for another week until something actually important happens. Chloe gets her squint on, too. "Clark! Please help me!" the recording says. This is riveting, y'all. Yawn.

Oh, my favorite inner-ear canal. We leap, in CGI, into Clark's ear. The bend crutch tells Clark that a male voice was yelling, "You lied to me!" The closed captioning ruins everything by saying it's "[Poor Man's Wes Bentley's] voice." Clark asks if he can fiddle with the computer. He makes exactly the same sound setting changes that Chloe just made (lazy editing, I think), and somehow gets clear-as-a-bell sound of something he says he thought he heard. Now the "You lied to me!" can be heard loudly. Lana spots the voice as PM'sWB. She says she hasn't spoken to him since he left. Chloe asks how Clark heard that. "I guess I missed too many Linkin Park concerts," Clark says, lamely. I think when the cavity where your brain is supposed to be is so hollow, the sound acoustics just work better. Clark zooms in on another portion of the audio. Now we can clearly hear a basketball announcer. "He sets, he shoots...Gunnerson hits his second free throw! Unbelievable!" It's a team called the Vipers, who are apparently undefeated. Chloe says that Gunnerson was benched in the pre-season. Suddenly she's a sports expert? Chloe says that this must be an old game. Clark says, "That can't be." He says this is the first year the Vipers have been undefeated. Clark turns and pulls up a web page on another computer. Multitask-action Kent! The "Kansas Sports Network" shows that the Vipers are playing the Metros that night in Metropolis Stadium. "The Metros"? Lamest team name ever. Clark quickly browses over to "Kansas Weather Service" which has the exact same web page template as the sports one. It says there's a storm a-brewin' that night. Chloe says, "Well, if none of this has happened yet, maybe the phone call hadn't, either." Clark and Lana give her the "Wuh?" stares. "You're saying the call came from the future?" Lana asks. No, she's saying this is going to be a chore of an episode to get through. Intense stares. Clark thinks, "That's like the past, but the other direction, right?" Quick aside: we did a sketch in our comedy troupe called "Machina de tiempo" about a time-machine product that could help you go back and fix up your stupid mistakes (like sleeping with your best friend's husband). In the skit, an abusive husband follows his wife back in time, where she was going back to his childhood to figure out why he's such an asshole now. I played the kid version of the husband. I'm all rude and cussing at my mom until he appears and I get scared. I yelled something like, "Mom! That man is wearing such strange clothes! It looks like he's from...EL FUTOOOOORO!" I love that sketch.

Back to the show. A small vial of clear liquid rolls across a shiny desk. It rolls toward an old, yet no less magnificent hand fondling a wireless mouse. Papa Luthor picks up the vial. "What is this?" he asks. Lex -- wearing a very chic black suit -- says it's "an experimental medication." Duh! "Not exactly FDA-approved, but I assume you're working on the patent," Lex adds. Papa Luthor goes back to his computer screen and tells Lex he doesn't have time for Twenty Questions. Go away, kid, ya bodder me. Lex says he knows about the lab at Metron. He even ducks and leans in a little as he says it. Papa Luthor massages his lower lip with his finger. Tastes like the blood of the innocent. Lex says that the lab gives new meaning to the term "human resources." Ha. Have I ever told you guys that there's a guy at my job in human resources named "Omar Gallegos"? Yeah, it's pretty freaky. Without looking Lex in the eye, Papa Luthor says that there are hundreds of projects in development at Luthorcorp. He apologizes for not being up to speed on every single one of them. He even pretends not to know what "Metron" is. Lex accuses Papa Luthor of secretly developing a serum that has "a certain Lazarus effect on the dearly departed." Papa Luthor gulps, mid-drink. "Resuscitating the dead?" he asks, and scoffs. Chuckling, he gets out of his chair as Lex smiles slyly. Papa Luthor tells Lex that his creative talents are being wasted at Luthorcorp. Lex should be writing for "Bald Attitude," the weekly fashion magazine for the aerodynamically topped man about town. Lex opens his steel briefcase and takes out a document. He says that the "Kafkaesque" experiments have made patients' bodies deteriorate while their minds remained conscious. Like being a member of the Osbourne family. Lex hands the document over. He says that if Papa Luthor can bypass the code of ethics, it could be big business. Papa Luthor says he applauds Lex's moral outrage, but that the document doesn't verify any of Lex's claims. Lex says they'd at least raise eyebrows at The Daily Planet. Papa chuckles again. It's a good week for chuckling. He says that Lex doesn't have to resort to threats if he wants to shut down the project. Au contraire, mon bastard. Lex wants to run the project. He'll be King of the Zombies! Papa Luthor thinks, "He is my son!" Lex smiles. Sexily. Cheating death is cool.

Boxes of clear vials in a neon-lit refrigerator. A monkey screeches. Screeeeech! That monkey is really milking this guest spot. Some suited agents wearing sunglasses pack up the vials in a big ice chest as white-coated lab workers watch. Dr. Poonie Tang rushes in and asks what they're doing. Even the ice chest has a neon light in it. She tells an agent that this is a restricted area. "Apparently not," says Papa Luthor, walking in from the shadows on a wave of magnificent fresh air. Papa Luthor takes a vial out of the ice chest and stares at it closely as he says that he now knows about Lex's recent visit to the lab. Tang says she doesn't know how Lex found them. "But I didn't tell him anything," she whispers. Well then, you'll only lose one of your legs. Papa Luthor says that doesn't matter, because as of now, the project never existed. Tang says they haven't tested the most recent adjustments. Papa Luthor says that her work will continue: "Just not here." Do they have a liver-medicine lab in Hell? Papa Luthor shuts the ice chest and says that he wants the lab cleared out by the end of the day. He threatens to deport Tang if she doesn't do what he asks. Papa Luthor adds, just to be awful, that her native country doesn't take too kindly to women who've consorted with the devils of Western capitalism. Despite the bind this puts him in, Papa Luthor really seems to be enjoying this. Tang watches as the men in suits start to take apart her lab. "Am I right?" asks Papa Luthor. You're so right you're Hellawrong. Tang looks severely freaked out.

In the scene, we're watching Tang walking down a dark hallway in the lab as the monkeys continue their infernal cries. At the end of the hallway, there's a closed cell. Tang takes a needle and a length of rubber hose out of her lab coat pocket. She opens the cell with her key. A hand grabs at her. It's Poor Man's Wes Bentley, and he's got eyebleed. And open sores. And a bad case of I Think He's About to Get Killed Off the Show-itis. He grabs the needle from Tang and injects himself in the stomach. The open sores disappear. He breathes, woozily. "Where have you been?' he asks, accusingly. Tang apologizes for keeping him in a lot of pain. He asks why they did this to him. "We were trying to give you a second chance," she explains. Wouldn't he have been asking these questions months before? PM'sWB says he's been hearing lots of noise; he wants to know what's going on. Tang says that they're shutting down the lab. He asks where they're going. She doesn't respond. Why is she telling him all this? He figures out that he's not going. He asks about the medicine. Tang says that Papa Luthor took all of it. PM'sWB drops the needle and says, gritting his teeth, "Then get it back!" Tang can't. He says he only has twelve hours. Tang tells him that Papa Luthor won't help; he doesn't even know PM'sWB is still alive. I still can't figure out why Tang doesn't assume that telling someone to his face that he's going to die won't make him freak out and get violent. Tang apologizes. PM'sWB asks what he's supposed to do. The anxiety music amps up considerably as he tightly grips the rubber hose he took from Tang. He lets it unravel in his hand. The music climaxes, but nothing happens. Yet.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex says he's no expert on quantum tunneling or wormholes, but since people like Einstein ruled that time anomalies were possible, he won't rule them out. Lex is actually an expert on man tunneling and dickholes. Clark, in a blue jacket and red shirt (that Sheriff Cheshire remark about plaid clothes seems weird, since Clark hasn't work any in this episode), tells Lex, who now sits at his desk, that they need to find Poor Man's Wes Bentley to prevent what may happen that night. Lex, distracted, asks why Clark thinks Lex could help. Clark knows that Lex was at the lab and that he met with Dr. Tang. Lex is suddenly interested. He asks if Clark has been following him. To the sex club. Clark tells him not to turn this around on him. Whatever, dickweed. Try a little truthfulness. Clark floats his theory that PM'sWB died of liver disease a few months before and was one of Dr. Tang's subjects. "Lana's in trouble and I know you're holding out on me," says Clark. This from the king of dishonesty. Clark asks where PM'sWB is. He uses the Lana card again to try to get Lex to spill the beans. Lex thinks about it. He leans forward and tells Clark that there's no way PM'sWB is going to go after Lana. Clark, eyes set on Lex, asks how he can be so sure. With these fixed gazes and close proximity, it's like love blooming again. Lex says that PM'sWB can't leave the lab; he needs constant injections to stay alive. Clark says that he needs to see with his own eyes. Lex says that Clark will never be able to get in. "Not without you," Clark says stoically. And now we're transcending this particular conversation and veering into Gayest Look of the Episode territory and dialogue that shines in the bright blue sky.

MONKEY SCREECH! This was a loud one. We're back at the lab. Lex and Clark enter the darkened place. Lex stares at a monkey. They consider each other. There are papers scattered everywhere, and the place seems to be abandoned. Except for screeching animals. Clark and Lex enter a room to find dead bodies scattered all over the floor. This place needs a serious Swiffer-ing. People in lab coats are bloody and deceased. Lex walks further. He rushes to the cell at the end of the hall. He bends down to find Dr. Tang, dead, her throat enlarged from being strangled with the rubber hose. Lex says Poor Man's Wes Bentley is gone. Dramatic music! Commercials! Goodbye, Dr. Tang, we'll miss you!

The stock footage of the Luthorcorp building along with the wisp of street steam and the vertigo-inducing upward angle. Papa Luthor enters his office and looks a bit shaken. Lex is sitting there waiting. "Was it worth it?" Lex asks. Let him work it. He'll put his thing down, flip it and reverse it. Lex asks whether sacrificing the lives of Dr. Tang and all the technicians was worth getting back into the pharmaceutical business. Papa Luthor, doing his best Johnny Carson, says he hopes Lex wasn't this emotional with the police. Hey-yo! Lex is pissed that he spent the last five hours covering for Papa Luthor. Papa Luthor says that he appreciates it, but denies that he has anything to do with the Metron lab. Lex gets up out of his chair and goes accusatory. "I suppose you didn't have anything to do with those murders, either!" he says. Papa Luthor has to hold back giggles as he says that even if he was as demonic as Lex thinks, he'd never do anything so sloppy. True dat. Papa Luthor says he's not worried. Lex asks how Papa Luthor can be "so cavalier." Papa says he has someone very competent in charge: Lex. He says that Lex wanted the project. Now it's his, and he can handle things. Lex is offended. He walks up to Papa Luthor with hate in his eyes. "Nice try, dad, but I'm not suiting up in the 11th hour," Lex says. "Clean up your own mess." Probably not the answer Papa Luthor was looking for.

Upstairs at The Talon. The ugliest stained-glass window stares us in the face. What is that, Prince Valiant? Clark is telling Lana about the massacre at the lab. She asks about Poor Man's Wes Bentley. They walk downstairs, and Clark says that the dude escaped. Lana asks if Clark thinks he killed everyone. Clark has surmised that he definitely strangled Dr. Tang to escape. And he has killed the notion that he may stick around on the show past this episode. Clark thinks the other people were just trying to stop him. Chloe comes up to Clark and Lana. Framed in the shot is a cake with lots of whipped cream and strawberries sticking out of it. I've given up wondering what things like this might portend. Chloe tells Lana and Clark that after being convinced to switch her long-distance service, she got a friend at the phone company to track down the number where Lana's distress call (from the future!) came from. Chloe says that it belonged to a cell phone owned by some lady none of them knows. Chloe says they can rack up another point in their "can ya hear me twenty-four hours from now" theory. Chloe (illegally) looked up the phone records of the phone's owner, and there were no calls made the night. Chloe says that the call Clark received came out of thin air. Thinly scripted air. "Or a really different time zone," Clark says, uselessly. Clark says that this gives them an advantage, at least. How so, smart guy? Clark says that they know what's going to happen; they just have to keep Poor Man's Wes Bentley away from Lana. I have a better idea. Why don't we keep Lana away from the show? Clark suggests that Lana not take any strange cell phones. Oh. All right then. Clark suggests that they take Lana out to the farm. And take her behind the barn and chop her head off. Oh, wait, wrong episode. Wrong fanfic, actually. "Clark, what if we can't stop this from happening?" Lana asks, hopelessly. Then I'll have renewed vigor on future recaps. But that's just me. Zoom in on Clark, as scary music plays, who offers these words of wisdom: "..."

Smallville Medical Center. Home to medical traumas as well as traumas to my poor, aching brain. Inside, Clark has tracked down the owner of the cell phone. She's walking down a hallway and carrying some medical files. She's probably in her mid-thirties, wearing glasses. Clark tells her that this may be a strange question, but he got a call at a teen crisis hotline the night before, and he asks if the number is hers. Clark hands her a number. Hey, that's a porn line! The woman says that it's her number, but that she didn't make any calls the night before, so it must be a mistake. Clark asks if she knows Poor Man's Wes Bentley. She says that they don't get many patients in accounts receivable. They have real-people jobs in Smallville? Clark gets in front of the busy woman and tells her that he thinks her phone is going to be used in a crime. He's with the pre-cog division. She offers Clark an admission to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Ha! Clark says he knows it sounds crazy, but maybe she lost her phone recently? The woman begins to crack a bit, and says that she lent the phone to her husband for the day to run some errands in Metropolis. Clark asks the woman to call her husband. Action music plays.

The blue van says "Speedy Heat & Air" on the side. A beefy guy is changing a flat tire on the van on the side of a rural road when his cell phone rings. It's his wife, the accounts receivable lady. She tells him that somebody's asking about their phone. "What, they come in person now? Just tell him we're happy with our plan," the guy says. Heh. I like to think that underneath all the cell-phone pimping on this show, there's an undercurrent of disgust with Big Phone Monopolies in lines like this. Clark prompts the woman to ask her husband where he is. He says he's stuck outside the city on Route 17. He didn't get to get his kicks on a higher-numbered route. Clark uses his superhearing to figure out that Poor Man's Wes Bentley just snuck up on the guy and cracked him in the mouth with a tire iron. Ow! The phone conversation ends, at least on his side of it. Poor Man's Wes Bentley closes the flip phone and looks around sneakily. The accounts receivable lady turns to tell Clark that her husband isn't answering. But Clark is long gone.

On the rural road, PM'sWB takes off in the blue van. Clark shows up and helps up the phonejacking victim. The guy is woozy and can't tell Clark which direction Poor Man's Wes Bentley went. He's got a little gash on his head. "You don't have your cell phone, do you?" Clark asks accusingly. I expect the trenchcoated Sprint PCS guy to come out and rape the poor dude for letting this happen. And they're to a damn four-way intersection! Damn you, Kansas road system! But wouldn't it make sense that he was heading toward Smallville? Just a thought. Clark looks around, lost and frustrated. It's not like he has long-range X-ray vision or superhearing or anything, I guess.

Storm clouds over the Kent Farm. Bo Duke comes downstairs after nine hours of watching longingly from the window as the cows get riled up by the storm. Nervous cows, mmmmm.... Anyway, he comes downstairs holding the blue and white sweater that we saw Lana get shot in earlier. Put it on, put it on! Bo tells her he knows that this old house can get drafty. It's also gayer in the summer. Chloe is talking to someone on the phone. It's Clark. Chloe informs Bo and Lana that Clark missed Poor Man's Wes Bentley on the road by a few minutes. And PM'sWB has the cell phone! No! Not the cell phone! The rates are sky-high during the week! Lana is frightened by thunder. She's sad that her death is coming true. Come on, Lana. Your death is for the greater good! Try to see the big picture. Bo bellows not to worry. He's not going to let anything happen to her. And to show what he means, he pulls out the same rifle from a cabinet that will later be used to gun her down. Comforting. Chloe puts on a red scarf and tells them that she's not helping just standing around. She plans to go to The Torch and listen to the police scanner. Couldn't she have brought that with her? Bo offers Chloe the keys to his truck. He says that they don't need her little car to get stuck trying to cross the creek. There's a creek in town? Chloe tells Lana not to worry; they have lots of time, and the game hasn't started yet. Ah yes, the game. The most dangerous game! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha! Bo puts an arm around Lana and holds his rifle. True frontier living.

"Keep me posted," says Lex Luthor in his sexy maroon shirt, just as lightning and thunder go off. He's in his lair, talking on the phone. He hangs up just as Clark walks in unannounced. Lex says that there aren't any leads on PM'sWB. "What about the serum?" Clark asks. Lex starts to take off his pants, but then remembers which serum Clark is talking about. Clark says he thinks Poor Man's Wes Bentley is going to go after more of it, since that's what's keeping him alive. Lex says that there is no more serum to find. Clark asserts himself. He says that there's no way Papa Luthor got rid of all of it. Clark figures there must be a stash somewhere.

A smooth young Asian dude (slick hair, snazzy tan coat) walks into the room. He's Detective Cage, a man I imagine enjoys playing chess right until the Endgame. We'll call him Cage Match. Cage Match says he's with Metropolis PD, and he has a warrant to search the premises. Lex must feel like Michael Jackson right now. Another police guy comes into the room with Cage. Lex really needs a doorbell. When Lex asks what the grounds are, the detective who isn't Cage says it's eight counts of negligent homicide. Damn, Lex, that sucks. Cage sits right down and says that they're going to make themselves at home. Hide the scotch! Lex tells Clark he'd better go; he doesn't want to get mixed up in this crazy evidence-for-sex deal the cops are trying to pull. Besides, Clark wouldn't last five minutes in prison. He's too pretty. Cage Match smugly says that Clark is already involved since he ended up at the scene of the crime. They need to ask him some questions, too. I hope there's no math involved, for Clark's sake. Clark and Lex exchange an erotic look. Their love is busted!

Chloe at school. It's nighttime. Does she just have a key to the place? It's dark and stormy, and she's all alone. Remember when Chloe didn't used to be an idiot? Chloe turns on her computer, and shouldn't be at all surprised when Poor Man's Wes Bentley pops up and shoves a knife toward her neck. She gasps and is pushed back against the wall. PM'sWB asks where Lana is. "I don't know. I'm not her keeper," says Chloe. Who talks like that? PM'sWB tells her not to lie; he was just at The Talon and Chloe and Lana were together. "Where is she?" he demands. Chloe asks why he cares so much. PM'sWB -- who has the sores back on his face -- gulps painfully and says she has something that belongs to him. Chloe snaps that it's obviously not in the newsroom. He jabs her a little bit as she talks, right in the neck, and tells him that everybody's looking for him. Hint: he shouldn't stick around unless he wants to get shot in the head. He drags Chloe to the window and spots the truck. He asks if it's Clark's. "No. It's my cousin's," Chloe says, acting annoyed. Lois Lane's? PM'sWB tosses Chloe around a little and says he's guessing that's not what the registration will say. He asks if Lana is hiding out at her old boyfriend's house. Chloe tries to dodge past PM'sWB when he's distracted for a second, but he catches her handily. He grabs Chloe more roughly now from behind, and says she'll be able to talk to Lana soon enough.

Kent Farm. We see Bo through a rainy window. He looks wet. Bo tells Lana that when MamaKent gets home, she'll be happy to whip up one her specialties, but until then it's black coffee. Bo doesn't know how to make some toast or put together a sandwich? What a useless, useless man is Bo. Besides, MamaKent is cold kickin' it at the Oscars. Bo asks if Lana wants some honey. Oh, the Bo coffee special. Want it in a little cow mug? No, really, Mr. Kent, it's fine. Want some fresh-squeezed milk, straight from the udder? Could you stop now, Mr. Kent? A horn honks outside. Bo goes to see who it is. But before he looks, he knows it sounds like his truck. He looks outside and sees Chloe in the truck, sitting in the middle of the seat. Bo doesn't think that's a little weird? "It's Chloe," he says, like it ain't no thang. "Why isn't she coming inside?" Lana asks. Bo doesn't know. Maybe it's because Lana is about to get shot. Did you think about that? Bo tells Lana to lock the door behind him as he goes to check it out. Are you sure Clark's not his biological son? Because that's pretty dumb.

Outside in the rain. Bo approaches the trunk as the lightning and thunder have their say. "Go back to the house!" Chloe, bound, says inside the truck. Bo, holding his gun, tries to figure out why Chloe has her hands behind her back and is thrashing in the truck seat. "Chloe?" Bo calls. Before Chloe can warn him any more obviously, he's struck from behind by the now-doubly-lethal tire iron. Bo goes down. Heart attack? Maybe? No? All right then. Lana watches through the window as Poor Man's Wes Bentley picks up the shotgun and opens the truck driver's side door. He pulls Chloe out. She lands hard, head-first, on the ground. She's out. PM'sWB approaches the house and yells for Lana. He yells that if Lana doesn't come out, he'll kill Bo. Then he'll go after Chloe. I'm thinking a Lana sacrifice is in order here. Lana comes out of the house and stands on the porch: "Whatever you want, just don't hurt them anymore!" Lana comes out willingly. PM'sWB grabs her and shoves her in the truck. The camera pulls out to a wide shot, and then we go to commercials.

How is this stupid little jive-talking Sprite puppet not a complete and total ripoff of Li'l Penny?

Security-camera footage. The boring Metropolis cops are showing Lex footage of him and Dr. Poonie Tang walking down a laboratory hallway on a laptop. "You can't deny you're behind this," Cage Match says. Already, I tire of him. Lex says he's the one who called the ambulance after the massacre. He asks why he'd do that if he were behind the murders. Behind Lex, cops are taking notes and moving his stuff around. Cage Match is rendered silent, unwilling to consider the possibility that someone would commit a murder and then make it look as if they just stumbled on it and called the authorities. Cage's partner found something, and asks them to guess what it is. "Nothing that will incriminate me," Lex says. Actually, it's...something to incriminate Lex! It's a folder found inside Lex's briefcase that show him to be acting director of the lab. Lex opens it. "I've never seen these before," he says. "Amazing how that always happens," Cage Match says. Lex says he's being set up. Well, Cage says, they're doing a damn good job of it. Bravo for this police work! I'm absolutely glued to my seat. Oh, wait, that's just atrophy. Sorry. Cage tells Lex that he should reconsider his story.

Then Cage walks out into the hall to check in on Clark. Clark says he needs to go. Cage lies that Lex has been confessing for the last hour and that Clark should fess up too and stop trying to play the hero. I think Lex can hear you, dude. Clark catches the lie, too. "You're bluffing. He didn't admit to anything because he didn't do anything," Clark says, sticking up for LOVE! Cage asks if Clark really believes that. He suggests that Clark doesn't know his friend as well as he thinks he does. Cage's partner interrupts a criminal murder investigation interrogation to give Cage an update on a basketball game. Yeah, nice work, ass. He asks who Cage thinks they put in the game with five minutes left in the fourth quarter. "Gunnerson," Clark guesses. "Yeah," the partner says, "that guy throws more bricks than a mason." Where did this script come from? A wormhole to 1966? Clark tells Cage he has to go. The cop asks if they're keeping Clark from something. "Have you called my parents yet?" Clark demands. Or a lawyer? Cage says they're not answering. Clark says he thinks the newspapers would find it interesting that a minor was being held for questioning without a guardian. Cage caves. He tells Clark not to take any long vacations. Oh, no, dude, I need them to take about a three- or four-week vacation. Bad. Clark takes off.

A late-night security guard smacks a TV when it goes to static. He curses and switches to an ancient little radio to try to tune in to the game. Everybody loves basketball, suddenly! Then he gets smacked by the butt of a rifle to the back of his head, and goes down. Sadly, we'll never get to know this unsung hero of night labor. Poor Man's Wes Bentley drags Lana into this storage warehouse. "Which one is it?" he asks her. Lana takes him to a wire-fence storage unit. It's where she stashed his stuff after he skipped town. He asks for his books. She says she doesn't know which box she put them in. PM'sWB makes her start digging. "Hurry up, I don't have a lot of time, Lana," he moans. Lana pulls out some books, and he grabs one with a white cover. He looks inside. There's a cut-out compartment in the book, but it's empty. "Where is it?" he asks Lana. He yells that he had three vials of that life-saving serum in there. He asks Lana what she did with them. She says she didn't touch them. He calls her a liar and cocks the rifle. Lana takes the opportunity to use her dormant ninja skills. She kicks him in the face and gives him the old leg sweep. PM'sWB goes down. Lana crawls toward the rifle, but PM'sWB grabs her first. He pulls her up by the hair and throws her face-first into the wall-'o-fencing. He punches her in the kidneys. Ouch. Lana falls. As he grabs the rifle, Lana grabs a length of chain and smacks PM'sWB across the face with it. She grabs the cell phone he dropped and runs. PM'sWB struggles to get back on his feet and go after her.

Kent Home. It's still raining. Inside, MamaKent is holding some ice to Chloe's forehead. Clark walks in. MamaKent and Chloe tell him what happened. Bo Duke -- who doesn't look much the worse for wear -- says that the police are looking for Chloe and PM'sWB too. Chloe says that PM'sWB kept saying that Lana had something of his. Clark deduces that it's the serum. It's always the serum these days with these kids. With their hip-hop music and their gold chains. We didn't need serum when I was a kid! Clark says he's going to go to the youth center. He says the only thing they know for sure is that she's going to call that place. Isn't she going to call it like a day ago? Bo asks what good that'll do, since Clark already heard the call. Good one, Bo. That blow to the head knocked some common sense into you. Clark says he only heard half of it, and that he's going to try to figure out why it got routed to the past. Ah, a trans-dimensional stakeout. Call Emilio Estevez! MamaKent asks if Clark is going to try to get a clear connection and figure out where Lana is. Bo shushes MamaKent. The game is on, woman! Clark asks about the score. Basketball is exciting! 61-59, Vipers. The end is nigh.

Lana run-run-runs. PM'sWB follows. Lana opens the cell phone and makes her fateful call. She trips PM'sWB as he runs down the hallway after her.

Crisis center. Pete is just standing around waiting. The phone rings. Clark superzips into the room and answers the phone before Pete can get to it. "Lana?" he asks. No, it's Pete's agent. He had a gig somewhere else, finally. Thanks a lot, you superjerk. In other news, Lana screams into the phone. The lights go out at the youth center. Outside, an electricity pole has been struck by lightning. Sparks fly. The line goes down, striking a generator. It smashes, and a power line hits some water, sending green electricity everywhere. "Clark, it's happening" Lana cries into her phone as she runs. Déjà vu, dudes! Seconds are left in the game, according to the warehouse radio. "He's got a gun!" Lana yells as she runs. PM'sWB takes a gunshot at Lana and misses.

At the youth center, more sparks are flying and telephone poles are falling. Clark does his X-ray vision and spots the generator and fallen pole outside. "Lana! Lana!" he yells into the phone. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. We zoom in on Clark as he realizes that. Commercials.

High School Reunion in Round Rock, Texas. This is about thirty-five miles north of where I live. Crazy.

Flames! On the side of the generator! Green light is running through the downed power line and into a puddle of water. Clark approaches it. He's like, "Ah ha! Electricity and water! The holy grail of time travel!" It must be 1.2 jigawatts of power in that puddle. At the warehouse, Lana runs and talks. "Can you kill me now? How about now? Better?" Lana yells into the phone, asking why Clark isn't picking up. Clark, holding the cordless phone from the youth center in his hand, picks up the power pole. He's handy with poles lately, isn't he? The electricity flare goes away. Clark can hear Lana now. For some reason, he puts the pole back down, and now he can't hear her. Got it. Electrical interference is bad. Lana makes it outside the warehouse. "You lied to me!" PM'sWB yells. "Where are you?" Clark yells into his phone. Lana tells back that she's at Walcott Storage. She runs, and is about to get shot in the back. PM'sWB pulls the trigger. Clark hears the shot. He drops the electrical pole and runs. Really, really, really, really, really fast.

CGI of rain drops and a bullet spiraling through them. We bullet-time around a more-plastic-than-usual-looking Lana. The bullet is about four feet from her. Clark bounds into the scene and takes the bullet in the chest. Wow. A bullet for Lana? I gotta question the wisdom of that one, even if he is super. We flash back to normal time as Clark is shot and Lana falls anyway. The cell phone flies out of her hand. PM'sWB suddenly collapses. Clark zips up his jacket to hide the bullet hole in his shirt. He goes to help Lana. She asks about PM'sWB. He's slumped on the stairs. Clark goes to him. Lana, for no good reason, stays behind. "You took that bullet," PM'sWB says. "That's impossible," says Clark. PM'sWB saw it. He says now he knows why Papa Luthor sent him to watch Clark. He winces. "Just a little too late," he says. PM'sWB warns Clark: "He's not going to stop. I couldn't escape him. How long do you think you can?" Yeah, but Clark doesn't have a bum liver. PM'sWB, as dictated by the show's contract for guest stars, dies painfully. Clark goes back to Lana who, I guess, didn't want to hear any of that. They hug in the rain. I taste a little bit of throw-up in the back of my throat.

Stately Luthor Manor the morning. Cage Match is putting Lex into a pair of handcuffs. Usually that happens at the beginning of the night, not at AM waffle time, in Lex's house. As they're leading Lex out, two guys in suits walk in flashing their own badges. It's the FBI. They tell Cage and his men to hit the showers. "This case has been bumped up to varsity," the snotty FBI guy says. Cage is like, "Aw, man, again? I hate the showers!" He takes off Lex's handcuffs. Lex really seemed to enjoy that. The cops leave. "This better be important," the main FBI guy says, seemingly summoned like a lap dog by Lex. Apparently, Lex's lawyer hooked him up with these guys. Lex says he wants to make a deal. Lex says that as flattered as he is with all the attention, he's only a consolation prize. He offers the FBI the biggest arrest of his career if he's given immunity. Lex gulps before he says it: "I'll help you bring down my father," he says very, very seriously.

Papa Luthor's building. He's talking to an Indian dude in the hallway about research. The man is intrigued. He asks what happened to Papa Luthor's last project manager. "She, uh, moved on," Papa says. They make it to Papa Luthor's office. He tells the researcher that he'll spare no expense on the project. "You on board?" he asks. This guy, Dr. Bergin, says that with as little serum as is left, there's barely enough for one round of trials. Papa Luthor chuckles and says that's why he's counting on results the first time out. Bergin offers to have a lab ready and trials underway in a year. Papa Luthor says he doesn't have a year. He wants it up and running by the end of the week. "I have been, uh, diagnosed with a rather unique liver disease," Papa Luthor says, haltingly. He says he's out of options. This is a serious, serious bummer.

A book: Theories of Time Travel. I have one: it makes for sub-par episodes. Lana, wearing hideous green eyeshadow, is frowning. She's at The Talon. Sappy music is playing. The eyeshadow matches her ugly green shirt. I never thought I'd miss her in pink. Clark walks in and asks if she's having any luck. Lana says she got lost at the first wormhole. We can only wish. Clark reassures her: scientists are still debating Einstein's theories of time travel. He doesn't think they'll crack it in one night. They can barely crack basic arithmetic. Lana tells Clark there's something she doesn't understand. How did he make it from the youth center to the warehouse in a split-second? Clark goes into freakin' liar mode and says it took him more than a few seconds. Clark says that maybe it had something to do with the weird time anomaly. In his ass as he pulls out lies. Clark has his own question: why did she call the youth center instead of the police? Lana says she called because she knew Clark would be there. Lana's not very smart. "Looks like we cheated fate," she says. I'd say it was more "the viewers" than "fate." "Barely," says Clark. Clark says he was afraid he wouldn't get to her in time. Lana says she spent the last twenty-four hours terrified of what happened, but hey, no biggie. She says she makes most decisions because she's afraid of how she'll end up. Clark says they both do that. "Maybe it's time to stop being so afraid," Lana says. She says she always thought her life was mapped out, but maybe they have more control over the future than they think. You know what, Lana? Nobody in particular gives a shit. Clark thinks about Lana's diarrhea of the mouth. For hours. Lana walks off without excusing herself. Clark watches her as she goes. Now he can raid the cappuccino machine.

Overhead shot of Metropolis. We hear opera music. Inside Papa Luthor's office, he's got his tie off and his hair is disheveled. He listens to the opera intently. Looks at a set of papers. He looks seriously freaked out. He uses a remote to close the blinds behind him. The camera pans across the paper. At the bottom of some numbered results, it reads, "UNSPECIFIED HEPATIC DISEASE AFFECTING THE LIVER. PROGNOSIS: TERMINAL." Papa Luthor takes a shiny black box from his desk and transfers it to a coffee table. He sits before it. Takes a swig of sweet liquor from a waiting tumbler. Slowly, he opens the box. Inside, something glows. He pulls out a silver gun from the box. Holds it. Loads a bullet into the chamber. He turns it around and holds the gun to his mouth. The camera shift perspective to show us the barrel zooming toward the camera. The gun's shaft fills the frame until we go to black. Wow. Great last scene. Too bad the rest of the episode didn't measure up to that.

week: I'm on vacation! Hot damn! I really need it! Why am I shouting?!