Truth

Now, why they gotta put on a good episode right toward the end of the season? Usually, this is the "offal" (or "awful," if you prefer) part of the season, where they dump all the inspirationless crap (remember the bee-girl episode?) up until the blow-out season finale. How dare you produce an hour of fairly good (fresh, even!) television, Smallville! I curse you!

All right. I'm better now. It was a dark and dewy night. A LuthorCorp van pulls up in front of a cute little house. A besuited guy we haven't seen before gets out of the van with his briefcase, looking forward to a night of high-definition TV rife with bikinis and very little back fat. (Sensing a trend here, readers? I'm jonesing for HD, y'all! HD!) A maroon car -- a Cougar, maybe -- pulls up. Ms. Chloe Sullivan gets out, leaving her headlights on, and comes to the guy. "Chloe! I thought that was Gabe's car," he says. I guess someone's borrowing the prop Beetle that Chloe usually drives. One Tree Hill? I'm looking in your direction. The man starts to comment on how long it's been since he's seen Chloe, but she reminds him that they haven't talked since her dad was fired from the plant. It's an accusation, buddy. Don't be all innocent with your HD channels and your pretty briefcase, probably full of naughty DVDs you picked up on the way home. I'm onto your digital lifestyle. "How's he doing?" Digital Guy asks, with what sounds like genuine concern. Chloe says her dad never expected to be doing the "Human Resources shuffle" this late in his career. Is that like the "Super Bowl Shuffle"? Hey I'm just asking. I don't mean to start no trouble. Digital Guy says he's sure shit will work out. Chloe counters: her dad sent out dozens of inquiries and hasn't even gotten a nibble. That personal ad just isn't working out. And he hasn't gotten any inquiries on his rsum either! Life sucks! Chloe flatters Digital Guy by saying she knows he keeps his ear to the ground; she asks if somebody might be sabotaging her dad's job search. Digital Guy says he'd do anything for Gabe, but that he and his co-workers are being asked to be part of new experiments they want nothing to do with. He ominously says that Gabe would be better off putting LuthorCorp far behind him. Now, if you'll excuse Digital Guy, it's almost time for girls bouncing on trampolines. In High Definition! Chloe looks cold in the rain. She turns around and takes a gander inside Digital Guy's van. His LuthorCorp employee badge is hanging from the rearview. Oh no! It's Danger Chloe!

One stolen badge later, Chloe is trying to be all Mission: Impossible as a security guard at the company wanders around in a golf cart with no roof. That must suck when it rains. We watch, on a really wide crane shot, as Chloe sprints across the outside of the plant far behind the guy in the cart. Dressed in black (sorry, freaks, no Chloevage yet), she swipes the badge on a door panel and gets inside a building. This is the only major corporation in the world with no security cameras in its research branches. Chloe waits until some workers get out of the way, and sneaks into a large room with tons of colorful equipment. She watches two guys in lab coats as they walk and talk. She sneaks over to some animal cages. As she's trying to hide, she spots a suspect cage with a blue sheet over it. Chloe pulls the sheet. It's David Blaine! No, wait, it's a barking dog. Well, close enough. Chloe, scared, backs into a machine and accidentally pushes some random buttons. These machines must be from the 1950s, because they still use dials and gauges instead of digital readouts or computer displays. An alarm sounds. Sliding glass doors close. Flashing amber lights spin. Chloe looks up just in time to see a bunch of showerheads spray green gas down upon her. We even get a skewed comic-book angle of the spray-ening. Chloe writhes and shrieks as she's gassed. She falls unconscious to the floor. We cut to a guy in a lab coat calling on the phone for a decontamination crew. Chloe opens her eyes and gets herself up. Lab Coat Guy spots her. "Send a security team," he tells the phone. The phone hates being bossed around like this. Lab Coat Guy pushes an "EMERG" button and a "VENTILATION" button. Wait, they didn't have room on the buttons to spell "Emergency," but they had room to spell, "Ventilation"? Whatevah, props department. The green gas stops. Lab Coat Folks put on gas masks. A little late, no? Scary Gas Mask Men go searching for Chloe. She's hiding by the eye wash station. Chloe makes a break for it. The Lab Coats give chase while security guards enter in front of Chloe. She changes direction. Chloe runs as the guards chase after her. She makes it to the end of a long corridor and has to dodge a golf cart. Chloe somehow Tomb Raiders her way to the one room in the building that has a metal garage door slowly closing. Chloe goes for it. She slides under the door, but doesn't reach back below it for her beaten-up fedora the way Indiana Jones would have. The guard who tried to slide after her doesn't have a limb cut off like I thought he might. Whew. Chloe runs away. Opening credits. That's it? Really? All right, fine. But we'd better get more Chloe.

Commercials. Cotton: The Other White Fabric.

Strummy alt-crap music plays as we crane-shot it near the Smallville high-school entrance. Everybody's got their letter jackets on. Clark is chasing Chloe down the hallway. He complains that he's been trying to reach "Planet Chloe" for two hallways. Planet Chloe has flippy mountains on the sides of each hemisphere. Chloe says she's had a lot on her mind. She asks if Clark has his Teacher of the Year interview done. Clark says he called and left a message but didn't get a call back. Couldn't he just go to her classroom? Chloe agrees with me. She gives Clark a "my friend, the idiot" look, and says that the teacher is like Fort Knox about her personal life, and that journalism isn't about sitting back and waiting for the truth (episode shout-out!) to come to you. Chloe says that sometimes you have to work for it. Chloe spots the teacher walking down the hall and tells Clark that sometimes timing is everything. She tells Clark that "no comment" is not an option, and pushes him toward the Jane Curtin-looking teacher. Clark tries to talk to the the teacher, who looks absolutely horrified. Chloe hovers as the teacher says she's really busy this week. You know...teaching. Chloe interrupts and asks for "ten minutes, tops. Before Lit class. Does that work for you?" Right after she says that, we go into Chloe's mouth. It's disgusting! Green spores of CGI ickiness sail from Chloe's mouth to the teacher's nose. Mmm, minty. I'm confused about that word, by the way. It seems others are using it now that Seth popularized it onThe O.C. Is it a bad thing? Like if I say, "This show hasn't been gay in a while. Minty!" Is that a slam? Or am I pleased? Is that the same as being "WB Fresh"? Well, whatever it means, this scene is awfully minty. "No...I'm printing a pop quiz," the teacher finally says after consideration, "because I watched TV last night instead of preparing for class." Chloe raises an eyebrow or two. The teacher, surprised at herself, walks off. Clark is a little surprised, too. "Did she really just say that?" Chloe asks, amused.

The offices of The Torch. Pete is putting his books away when Clark enters. Clark asks if they're still on for tonight. Pete says he has to drop some stuff off with his mom, but that he should be home in time for tip-off. Pete and basketball. Two great stereotypes that taste great together. Clark says he's supplying dinner and Pete's got the big screen. But does he have Digital Guy's premium HD programming package? I didn't think so. Chloe cringes. "Clark Kent in the kitchen?" she scoffs. Oh, it's all just good-natured fun among barely-speaking friends. Chloe asks what's on the menu. Pete says that Clark is going to run to Metropolis to get some Shark Dogs from the stadium. Even supposing Clark got into the stadium to get the hot dogs (which I guess he could get outside), wouldn't running at 1,000 mph from one city to another make those dogs a little cold from all that wind by the time he got back? Minty, even? Behind Chloe's back, Clark is non-verbally going, "Pete!? What the fuck, man!?" Chloe seeks answers. Pete says that when Clark goes supersonic, he can make the round trip in ten minutes. Clark's face goes, "GRRRR!" Pete realizes what he just did. "He's kidding," Clark says when Chloe finally turns around. Clark walks out of the office, annoyed. He takes Pete with him. In the hallway, Clark says dangerously, "What was that?" Pete has no idea. He didn't mean to say it. Pete says he just had this urge to tell Chloe the truth. "Well, time you get that urge, don't," says Clark. He's a postmodern superhero. Wrong is right with this guy. Pete is shamed. Go away for three episodes, Pete!

Metropolis at night. Lex, wearing a very nice long black coat, pops in to Papa Luthor's office. In a nice bit of continuity, Papa Luthor has a pretty nasty gash on his cheek from last week's catfight with Bo Duke. Papa Luthor strokes under his chin with a finger and says, as Dr. Cox would on Scrubs, "Lex...thanks for, uh, dropping byyyyy." Lex asks which obsessive-compulsive fixation is behind today's summoning. Papa Luthor heard about the break-in at the plant. Lex says it was a false alarm and has already been taken care of. Papa Luthor says that there was a haz-mat team dispatched. Lex says it was a precaution. Papa Luthor calls it an overreaction. Unless a chemical was actually released. Lex gets his shoulder fondled a bit. Bemused chuckles. Lex says he's curious. He asks why Papa Luthor is suddenly playing micromanager. Papa Luthor says he's concerned that Lex is concealing things. Oh, jeez, guys, just go on a father-son potato sack race already. Lex leans in, very close, so they're almost ear to ear, and says we all have our secrets. If I had a nickel for...GRRRR! Papa Luthor grimaces, and then smiles. He hadn't even considered that Lex might have secrets! Crackling drama!

Outside, Lex gets into his car. In fairly plain sight, Lex undoes his shirt (but we don't see much) and takes off the wiretap taped to his sternum. Ouch! Hair! Lex starts his car. This isn't exactly the Big Pussy saga, is it?

Ambush journalism at the high school. Teacher of the Year and Son of the Teacher of the Year are trying to get to class. Chloe stops them at the parking lot on the way in asking again for an interview and apologizing for pulling "the 60 Minutes card." Teacher of the Year agrees, since she figures that's the only way Chloe will get off her back. Chloe starts with a question for the teacher's pimply son. She says it must be cool having a Teacher of the Year for a mom. He says, nicely, that he's used to her being the best at anything she does. But, confidentially? Her pancakes suck. Don't print that! That's off the record! Chloe asks what the best part of her job is, and the teacher says she likes her students. When Chloe asks the worst, she says, "Always having to hide the truth." Confession music plays as Chloe presses on. Teacher of the Year says that her identity doesn't really exist. She's actually a fugitive who, in 1972, was part of a radical group that planted explosives outside a bank in Seattle. Somebody died, a guard who got there too early and.... "Are you saying you're wanted for murder?" Chloe asks. "I...just drove the car," the teacher sputters as her son looks at her in horror. Chloe writes it all down. Teacher of the Year swears she never meant for anyone to die. She tells her son that she should have told him years ago. Son of the Teacher of the Year notices Chloe scribbling and takes his mom away, yelling at Chloe to leave them alone. Hey, at least your mom isn't a former porn star. You can sell her story as a sequel to Running on Empty. Chloe smiles slyly, amused at her new awesome powers.

Some time later, the story's on the front page of The Torch. The headline: "Exclusive: Beloved Teacher or Fugitive Murderer." It's got a big honkin' photo of the teacher on the page. Students are reading. Chloe walks down the high-school hallway triumphant. People give her dirty looks. In slow motion, even. Chloe doesn't give a shit. Let a playa' play, playa' haters! Clark congratulates Chloe for pissing off the entire school. Chloe says you don't earn your press pass by making friends. Word. Clark asks if the police shouldn't be handling this, and asks if Chloe broke into LuthorCorp the other night. She beam and says, cutely, "Wow. There may be some journalistic genes behind those baby blues after all." Clark knows about Chloe's new powers of persuasions. She says it's every reporter's dream. Mine still involves Catherine Zeta-Jones. But this one definitely ranks up there. Chloe picks a random blonde with glasses in the hall, and asks how she aced a Geometry final that everyone else got a C on it. The girl says she swiped the answer key the day before the test. Oops! The truth hurts! Chloe loves this. Chloe goes up to Mindy, a very pretty cheerleader with Scary Spice hair. Chloe asks if anything is bothering her. Mindy asks Chloe if she knows how hard it is to cheer for a losing team. Oops again! The truth still hurts! Mindy can't believe she just said that. Neither can the football players she was talking with. Chloe asks one of the football players whom he'd take to the prom if he could take anyone. "That'd be Fitz," he says. Fitz is this big-ass dude with a buzz cut standing to him. Oops! The homoerotic truth hurts! Big gay shout-outs all around! Let's all hug and be fabulous, people. At this moment, I absolutely love Smallville. "Thomas...Fitzpatrick, the quarterback?" Chloe laughs, "Wow, I didn't expect that one." The football player wants to kill Chloe now, but Clark stops him. He says it's off the record. Chloe is enjoying this like it's crack and she's got the biggest pipe in town. She says she might even be able to crack the mystery that is Clark Kent. Clark isn't amused. At all. "What do you keep hiding from me?" Chloe asks. Hurt, Clark says, "I can't believe you just asked me that." Chloe is surprised when he doesn't elaborate. She says that anyone else would have. "What are you so afraid of, Clark?" Chloe asks, getting as close to his face as her height will allow. "That I'll get behind that armor and finally uncover your secret?" Yep. You got it. Abrupt commercial break.

Add the movie Godsend to your "creepy children" video collection year.

The lab where Chloe got sprayed. Clark walks in right through the sliding doors like it ain't no thang. At regular speed, even. Still no videocameras installed. Clark goes digging through some files and finds one helpfully labeled "Levitas." I love that soap! "Clark! The last time I checked, this area's restricted," says Lex, creeping up like a sexy phantom. Clark, surprised, says, "Hey Lex!" Hey, Clark. How you doin'? Clark says he came in when he saw the outside door was unlocked. Lex says the lock looked broken, but that he'll talk to Security about it. Clark gulps. He says he's worried about a friend. Lex asks whether this friend broke into the lab a few nights ago. "Clark, why didn't you come to me?" asks Lex. It's not much, but it's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Clark says that the last time he did that, his conversations ended up with the FBI. Lex tries to assure Clark that the Kents are off-limits to them. Because Lex makes all the rules for the FBI now. He's blowing Tenet, apparently. (Who as CIA director is in turn blowing the head of the FBI. It's a Department of Homeland Security thing. There's cross-departmental blowing going on now.) "I was kinda hoping you might return the favor," says Lex. On your knees, farmboy! Lex asks what Clark was doing in the lab. "It wasn't me," says Clark. Clark swears he wasn't in the shower with the neighbor or bangin' on the bathroom floor. Clark asks what Lex was working on down there. Lex says it was an old project of his dad's that he was trying to resurrect. Lex comes close to Clark the way we like it. "We didn't get far enough to gauge the potential side effects," Lex says. So, let's keep hanging out down here in the lab where everything might be radioactive. Lex says there could be health risks to Clark's "friend." Lex wants to know who it is. We cut out of there before Clark can answer.

The Talon. Chloe, smug and satisfied, is still being avoided by her peers. Some guy shoulder-bumps her. Before Chloe can react, someone throws a newspaper at her. It's Son of the Teacher of the Year, and boy is he pissed. He says that his mom had to go into hiding, and that the police are looking for her. Sucks to be you, Son of the Bank Bomber. Chloe smiles and says she printed the truth and can't be held responsible. The boy, who looks about as menacing as my cat's poo, leans in and whispers, "You ruined my life." He leaves. Everybody follows. "Is it just me or did I completely clear out the lunch crowd?" Chloe asks Lana, who isn't wearing pink, at least. Lana -- honest for once -- says, "No, it was you. Ever since you turned The Torch into your own personal gossip column, no one can stand to be around you." Snap! Chloe says that at least Lana is talking to her. Lana gets scared and says, "For now." She tries to walk off, but Chloe pursues. Lana tells Chloe that she applied to the Paris School of the Arts. It's a full-time program, so Lana won't be able to run a caf in France, though it doesn't hurt to dream. Lana says that if she gets accepted, she'll start in the summer. I hear a choir singing "Hallelujah" somewhere. Chloe asks when all this was decided. Lana's been thinking about it for a while. She says that everybody has families, but that she doesn't fit in. Chloe says she thought she and her dad were Lana's family. Lana brings Chloe in for a reality check. She says that everyone thinks of Lana as driven and self-involved. No, Lana, "driven" is a good quality. We think you're boring, lame, and out of your depth, character-wise. Self-involved? Yeah, I could see that. Lana says she can't wait to get out of there and go somewhere that people don't judge her. Go! Go, already! I judge! ["And you know who never judges Americans? The French." -- Wing Chun] Chloe is hurt. She says she never said that. Lana says she didn't have to. Chloe asks why Lana never told her this before. "Because I couldn't trust you," Lana says. Chloe is near tears. She walks out. Lana realizes what she said and puts on her pity mask. Now it's another thing for Lana to feel bad and whine about.

Lair of Lex. Chloe is waiting for Lex to arrive, after he called her in. Chloe impatiently says that she only has a minute. She says that Clark just called her about a story breaking at the hospital. So...get on with it, bald man. Lex asks for Chloe's abridged version of her little LuthorCorp field trip the other night. She was hopped up on horse tranquilizers! What are you gonna do? Lex also knows that nobody can resist telling her the truth. Chloe asks if Lex wants an apology. No, he wants to harness the juicy goodness of her new power to get back the weeks he lost from his little electroshock therapy session. Chloe says that Papa Luthor wouldn't go to the trouble of destroying those memories if they weren't a threat to him. "Maybe you should just leave it alone," she tells Lex. Or, as the old wives say, your palms will grow hair and you'll go blind. Lex says, as Chloe's walking out the door, that he thinks she knows more than she's telling. Chloe lies that she doesn't know anything about his memories. Chloe says that because of Lex, her dad can't get a job. Why should she help him? Lex says that Papa Luthor is the one who ordered the firing. Chloe puts a hand to her forehead and looks pained. Chloe's not thrilled that her dad's job is just a move in Lex and Papa Luthor's chess game of life. In all seriousness, Lex says, "It's not a game, Chloe. You're the only one who can get me the truth." Truthness! This is an apt episode title, people. Chloe reverts to her new powers. She circles Lex and asks why he keeps doing this to himself, and why he can't just walk away. Lex, haunted, says, "Because he won't give me the only thing I've ever wanted from him." And that is...? Lex gulps, turns, and says, "I want him to love me." Cheesy, yes. But very effective. I didn't get a tear in my eye, but it was very, very close to that. Lex looks away in shame as he realizes what he just spilled. He scoffs. Chloe watches him with concern.

Every time I think I've gotten out of recapping hospital scenes they keep pulling me back in! Damn you, hospital! Damn you straight to HMO Hell! Clark is pacing in a waiting room so dark you need to a book light to read their magazines. Pete shows up carrying a little camera. Chloe told him there was some big story at the hospital. Clark grabs Pete and starts to usher him out. There is no story. It was the only way Clark could think to get Chloe to the hospital. Clark has figured out the truth about the "truth gas." I know in the house I grew up, there was nothing deceptive about the gas. We always knew where that green truth cloud was coming from. Clark is holding Pete's arm a little too tightly. Pete gets the message. He needs to get out of there before he lets loose the dogs of Clark's secret to Chloe. The elevator opens. Pete walks in without noticing that there's someone else in it. CHLOE! Pete's scared. He tries to get out. Chloe stops him and asks why Pete's trying to get away from her. Pete says he doesn't want to have to tell her the truth. Clark, panicked, pries open the elevator door and gets between Chloe and Pete. Chloe pushes Clark aside and asks why they're playing such a "zone defense" on her. "What is the big secret, Pete?" Chloe asks. Pete shakes and then plants one right on Chloe's lips. Wooo! Chloe is agog. Even Clark is surprised. Pete exhales with more passion that we've seen from him in the entire run of the series. "I'm in love with you, Chloe," he says. Chloe is horrified. Pete says he's been waiting to do that since the first day he met her. Chloe is having trouble sorting through this bit of truth. She asks why he didn't tell her sooner. Pete says it's because of how she felt about Clark, and he never saw the point. This elevator suddenly feels about ten cubic feet smaller. The elevator door opens and Pete gets out of there. Chloe tries to stop him, but Pete just turns and tells Chloe that if there's something wrong with her (physically, he means), she needs to take care of it. "Please!" Pete begs, and runs away to nurse his wounded heart. Awww, Pete. Chloe turns to Clark, and then suddenly doubles over in pain. Pete's...onion...breath! Chloe moans in pain. Clark calls for help. All the medical extras leap into action. A doctor and nurse lead Chloe to a waiting wheelchair and take her to Exam 3. Clark doesn't follow. Commercials!

I was mildly shocked that something significant actually happened on this show. When was the last time we saw something like that?

Dennis Haysbert wants to make sure you're in good hands with Allstate. Oh, Mr. President!

The Torch. Clark is working on something using Chloe's computer. Pete walks in. He says they arrested Teacher of the Year. Woohoo! Pop quiz, my ass! Clark says that the story's been all over the internet. Well, why not make sure it's all over The Torch, since Chloe's not around to do it herself, Walter Winchell? Product Placement Pete tells Clark to "Ask Jeeves how long it takes to die of embarrassment." Aw, achy breaky heart Pete. Clark waits a beat, and then asks Pete why he never said how he felt about Chloe. Pete self-pitycates that he never had a chance with her. Clark's shadow is huge -- a "dark side of the moon," as Pete calls it. It must have been cold there in Clark's shadow, huh Pete. Oh, dear lord, I've already used that joke. I'm running out of material! Help! Pete puts his emotions aside to glance at what Clark's got up on Chloe's computer. Clark says that Chloe was working on a story about a LuthorCorp project called Levitas. For all your male erectile dysfunction needs. Clark says that a retired military doctor -- a general no less -- was part of the experiment. Pete says he sounds like a crackpot. A retired crackpot general. Clark says he's their only lead.

Hospital. A doctor is taking Chloe's temperature with the oldest thermometer currently being used in the health-care industry. It doesn't beep or anything. He says it looks normal. Antique-like, even. Chloe goes to make a phone call with her cell. As she's dialing, Papa Luthor sneaks in. He says she looks a bit peaked. Chloe holds her cell phone behind her back and discreetly presses a button on it. Papa Luthor supposes that a steady diet of truth can wear on a person. He knows about Chloe's using the security card. "Just trying to help my dad," she says nonchalantly. "What'd you do, blacklist him?" she asks. "You're damn right I blacklisted him," says Papa Luthor. "He'll be lucky to find a job as a dishwasher." Oops! Also, Papa Luthor ordered the Code Red at Guantanamo Bay. Chloe smirks. Papa Luthor scoffs amusedly. He says he warned Chloe that there'd be consequences to defying him, and that he promises to deliver at no extra charge. Chloe dials her voice mail on her cell and asks if he ordered Morgan Edge to murder his parents. "Of course I did," confesses Papa Luthor. "For their life insurance. I needed their money to start my company." Chloe smiles again. "Ohhh," Papa Luthor purrs with regret. He's sorry Chloe asked him that. He says that's dangerous for Chloe to know. Her smile finally fades, and she reveals the cell phone where she just recorded his confession to her voicemail. She says she's the only person who has the password. Well, that just makes the number of people he has to kill a lot lower. Chloe thinks this somehow gives her leverage on her father's employment. Damn, girl! Leave Kansas already! Papa Luthor says he doesn't respond to blackmail (isn't that like not negotiating with terrorists?), and says that's not going to get her dad's job back. And he's being dead honest. Papa Luthor says there's something that will get her dad the job, though. He wants information. From Bo Duke and MamaKent. Chloe asks why she'd do that. Papa Luthor circles around Chloe the way she did Lex earlier, and says it's because she has a special place in her heart for a certain son of theirs, and wants the truth as much as Papa Luthor does. Chloe turns and asks what he wants to know. "Where did Clark Kent come from?" he asks simply. Brooding music.

All right, this is the most random scene of the episode. I can't even believe they included it. Surely there was a better way to have a Deux Ex Machina on the show. We're in a Metropolis slum. Clark walks into what looks like a chop shop garage. Clark looks around as the twinkly music of dark discovery plays. Someone in a hood and military bum wear is holding a gun on Clark. This guy looks a little young to be a general. He says that Clark needs a lesson in manners. I suppose it's because Clark walked in through the wide-open garage door without knocking. Clark says he's there to talk about Levitas. Clark says that LuthorCorp was a civilian contractor when the "General" was in charge, and that they've resumed the experiment. The "General" asks if Papa Luthor sent Clark. Nope. Clark says he wants to know how the drug affects people. Still with the gun, the "General" motions Clark over to a cruddy orange couch. Strip, farmboy. The 8 Mile "General" says they were trying to create "The Ultimate Interrogator," but that he balked over safety issues. Yeah. He's a "General" all right. My ass. He says that LuthorCorp faked a bad psych report, and he ended up getting a dishonorable discharge. Sorry to keep pointing this out, but A GENERAL got dishonorably discharged?! Tom Clancy is rolling over in his grave-shaped bed right now. Clark says that his friend was exposed, and that she's had headaches. The "General" guesses she'll be dead by morning. "Dead?" Clark asks. The "General" says that's why they suspended the experiment. The gas worked, but toxicity was "off the charts." Um, excuse me Mr. "General" or whoever the fuck you are, but Toxicity did very well on the charts, thank you very much. Clark asks if something can be done. The "General" says he was working on something before they shut him down. He reaches over to a fully functioning outdoor fridge and pulls out the cure. Don't you love it when some shady character we'll never see again just randomly has the cure for what's about to kill a central character? Love it! It's a needle the size of my arm. And it's never been tested before. But here ya go, kid I've never met before. Take it. It's all yours. Clark asks how much to use. He's told to give Chloe a full dose, shot through the heart. Think Bon Jovi.

Hospital. Clark is looking for Chloe, but is told by a nurse that she left without being discharged. Yikes, it's Papa Luthor, talking on his hands-free cell-phone headset. Clark tells Papa Luthor he knows about Levitas. Papa Luthor pretends not to know about it at first, and then says they abandoned that project five or seven years before. "You're lying," says Clark. "That's a...provocative accusation, Clark, especially coming from you," says Papa Luthor. I love him using the word "provocative." Clark asks if Papa Luthor got Chloe to work for him again. That's one thing that rubs me the wrong way about this episode. Didn't she already learn her lesson about doing stuff for Papa Luthor? Papa says that, whatever he does, it's all just to find the truth. "She might die," says Clark, "and you couldn't care less." He doesn't really. If she did, in fact, it would rock for Papa Luthor.

Clark calls Chloe on the cell phone he now magically owns after not having one last week. Chloe is driving her dad's car. She's falling asleep at the wheel and swerving on the road. Her phone rings. Clark tells her to get back to the hospital, and tells her that what she has might kill her. Chloe says that Clark is just trying to stop her. "Stop you from what?" Clark asks. Chloe asks whether Clark knows what it's like to look at his best friend and know he's being lied to every day. No, but I think Lana and Lex know how that feels. Chloe says that she can't do this anymore. She squints. A truck is pulling up fast behind her. Chloe's head hurts. The blue truck passes Chloe as Clark tries to convince her to come back. The truck stops at the town bridge and does a sharp turn, coming back to ram Chloe straight on. Chloe puts down the phone. Clark listens as Chloe and the blue truck play chicken. Chloe swerves to avoid the truck and her car hits the railing, breaking through it and balancing on the edge of the bridge where, once upon a time, Lex hit a farmboy with his Porsche and fell in love. The blue truck comes up behind Chloe and gets ready to do a literal ram job. Her car pushes out further over the bridge. "I warned you to leave us alone!" It's Son of the Teacher of the Year, and boy is he crazy and pissed. He rears back so that he can ram Chloe's car again. Chloe tells Clark on the phone that she's at the bridge and begs for help. Clark superzips out of the hospital. More ramming! The car edges closer to the edge. Son of the Teacher revs. We go to commercials.

Van Helsing! Instead of seeing a bunch of crappy big summer movies, why not see one that combines them all into one feature film package?

Chloe on the edge. More ramming and skidding. Chloe is losing consciousness even as her life is in danger. The blue truck rears back for one final mighty ram. Clark makes it onto the scene and pulls on the back of the truck just as it was about to hit Chloe's car. The pulling is so hard that Son of the Teacher of the Year conveniently hits the dashboard with his head, going to la-la land and preserving Clark's secret. Clark goes over to Chloe's car and pulls it back to safety. He even pivots the car. What mighty strength! Chloe goes to the driver's side, pulls off the seatbelt like it's silly string, and gets Chloe out of there. He rips open her shirt, which is a bit unexpected. You animal! By the way, Chloe? My compliments. Seriously. As her Chloevage shifts dangerously, Clark pulls the comically huge needle out of his pocket and plunges it into Chloe's chest. She just happens to be wearing a bra that's low-cut in the middle. (Red, by the way, and lacy. I accept your thanks for the thorough description.) Pulp Fiction plunge! A beat, and then Chloe awakes, gasping. She has a nasty hole in between and above her Chloevage line. Well, that was not as exciting as I'd hoped.

LuthorCorp. Papa Luthor's office. Lex is standing there. He makes a little comment about being summoned twice in one week. Papa Luthor chastises him about reactivating old projects. Lex says that if he were kept in the loop, he wouldn't have to resort to subterfuge. That doesn't really answer why Lex revived a dormant project, but whatever. Papa Luthor asks why Lex would be so driven to learn the truth about something that he'd use a dangerously unstable drug. Lex says that the truth never really held much merit for Papa Luthor. Wuh? Papa Luthor waves his cell-phone headset at Lex and says he's losing patience with his son. "Now tell me, dammit, what is it you want from me?" he demands. Lex thinks about it and then says, "It doesn't really matter, Dad. I'm never gonna get it." Awwww. Tears, Lex. So sad.

The Barnness of Epilogueitude. Clark is studying, or pretending to, at a desk. Chloe comes in, wearing one of Chris Robinson's fur-lined jackets. Clark asks how she is. Shaky, but truth serum-free, she says. Chloe says that the serum Clark Pulp Fictioned into her chest got rid of all the Levitas. Clark doesn't seem too thrilled. Chloe asks if Clark heard what happened to Son of the Teacher of the Year. Clark says that it's been a rough week for the kid. His mom's in jail. "I never meant to hurt him," Chloe says sadly. Clark, brusquely, says that the kid's mom should have told him sooner. "But that's the thing about the truth," Clark says. "It's bound to come out sooner or later." Chloe says that she needs to come clean. She reveals that she was on her way to ask Clark's parents all the questions he wouldn't answer when she got struck on the bridge. Clark raises his eyebrows. He turns away from her. Chloe circles around to face him. Clark doesn't let her apologize. He says she wasn't herself. Chloe says she really wishes she could believe that. She says there've been so many times when curiosity has gotten the better of her. Near tears, she says that maybe this is just who she is. Clark says she's going after the truth, and that there's nothing wrong with that. Chloe says it's wrong if it hurts the people she cares about most. She worries that one day she won't be given another chance to say she's sorry. "Today's not that day," Clark says cutely. He even smiles and gives her a hug. Chloe really needed that.

Sure it's a Chloe episode, but you know what we're missing? A Lana scene! Lucky you! Clark is at The Talon, apparently at Lana's request. Clark complains that he hasn't gotten any phone messages from Lana lately. You needy bastard. Lana says she's been wanting to show Clark something. It's the Paris brochure. Lana says she sent in her application last week. Clark doesn't understand. He's slow, honey. Explain it to him. Lana says she's leaving. Woo! Clark looks sad. Hoo! He asks if this is because of him. She says it's because of everything. And because she got the idea from Marissa's room on The O.C.. Lana says she needs a fresh start. Clark asks about Lana's friends, and her life in Smallville. She says that maybe she'll wind up in town eventually, but that she can't be happy wondering if there's something else out there -- other superheroes and bald billionaires. Clark asks why she didn't tell him sooner. She didn't want anyone to talk her out of it, and she knew Clark was the only person who could. Serious glances. Trip-hoppy chanting music plays. Is this the day we've all been waiting for? I'm ready to say "Goodbye, Lana."

The Torch. Chloe sits down at her desk and uses the office phone to dial her voicemail. She enters her password and listens to her one new message. "Hello Miss Sullivan. It's only me," says Papa Luthor. "Um, oh, no need to look for that conversation we had earlier. It's gone. And, well, that's it. No need to call back." There are no more messages. Chloe has a serious "oh shit" moment. Blackout. Cool.

week: I leave you in the capable hands of Kim for the two weeks. Be nice to her, because she comes to rock. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get married now. See you after the honeymoon!