In red italic lettering against black: "Tonight's presentation contains material some viewers may find disturbing. Parental discretion is advised." Uh oh. The Gay Marriage Amendment finally made The WB nervous enough to disclaim this entire show.
And now, for your viewing (and now, reading) pleasure, the Smallville Community Players present for you a play in four acts (including prologue)! It concerns future events which may not be so future-flung than you may think! Please, sit a spell, and try not to think of the movie Frequency or a certain trilogy of cinema treats that starred Michael J. Fox. And without further ado, we present (in high definition, where available): "Crisis."
A large, funky artsy building that appears to be made entirely of orange clay and tin. It's sitting in the middle of nowhere as Clark and Pete walk up to the entrance. Instead of establishing the building and then cutting to Clark and Pete, we start with a really wide shot with Clark and Pete just doop-de-dooing along in the background. The Omniscient Camera of Unnecessary Crane Placement flies down from the sky and settles upon the two suddenly-buddy-buddy-again pals as they carry coffee down the sidewalk. I still don't understand people who can drink coffee after dark. The WB really wants a nation of jittery insomniac viewers. Pete says he didn't think Lana would find somebody to cover her shift so late, but he didn't figure on "The Clark Factor." If that pre-episode warning was supposed to cover awful whiny scenes of Lana, they're about two and a half seasons too late. Clark smugly says that Lana was having her own "Crisis" over a history exam. Way to work the episode title into the second line of dialogue this week, Clark. Bravo. Pete says that this shift thing can't compare to an all-you-can-drink all-night cram session at The Talon. Or an all-you-can-cram all-night barn session with Lex. Clark gets the door for Pete, because white and black man have come together again in unity after the polarizing events of "Velocity." The camera pans over to a funky yet crude sign that says "SMALLVILLE YOUTH CENTER." That doesn't mean you have to let the youth design the building and paint all the signs.
Inside, it's like NORAD for Magic: The Gathering geeks. There's no noise of billiard balls clacking or basketballs bouncing or any other sounds you'd associate with a reputable youth center. Instead, kids are huddled at tables with their heads hanging low in strange silence, as if this were a NAMBLA hideout in disguise and kids were waiting their inevitable turn. Clark gives Pete props for spending so much time volunteering at the youth center. Pete's a righteous man. Well, what else was he going to do every week after his lines were up? Pete says he's been helped many a time and wanted to give something back. "Hi, Pete," a very creepy girl on the phone says to our underused ebony man. Pete grins sheepishly. Oh, he wanted to give nookie back. Clark gathers that Pete is honing his "sensitive-guy skills." A phone rings. Pete sits down and says, "Watch and learn." Behind Pete and Clark is a sign that reads, "Smallville teen crisis hotline." The "O" in "Hotline" is a red old-timey phone. Pete answers the phone and looks bored immediately. "Uh huh? Well, how long has it been since they've been divorced?" he asks. This is gonna be a long-ass night. Pete, with no clinical training whatsoever, asks the person on the phone if they've talked to their folks about whatever problem this is. They're putting Clark on the crisis hotline? Hasn't anybody noticed that anybody who has a chance meeting with Clark tends to end up dead or in an asylum? But, hey, let's do it for the kids, right? Another phone rings. Pete motions for Clark to sit down and answer it. Clark answers the cordless handset. The camera zooms in on him. We hear noise on the line. There's buzzing and a high-pitched whine. Also, a whine from Lana. "Clark!" she yells on the other end.
“ Cheshire supposes somebody could be imitating Lana. 'Why would anyone do that?' asks Lana. Gee, I don't know. It's not like she's had stalkers or admirers or lesbian attractions or geeking adoration from producers every week since this show's been on the air. I just don't know, Lana. It's a mystery for the ages. ”
Lana is running. She's wearing a white and blue snowflake sweater and holding a cell phone. She's running through what looks like a warehouse. She tells Clark, "It's happening." Yeah. And it's awful: Lanaville. Clark, alarmed, asks if Lana is there. More static and buzzing on the connection. "Lana?" Clark says. "He's got a gun!" Lana yells as she runs, holding the phone. We see a gunshot clip a wall as Lana turns a corner and runs past it. Also on the line: an announcer giving the results of a basketball game. Lana bursts out of the warehouse back door and into a rainy night. She runs down some metal stairs. "Clark! Please!" she yells. Clark listens with all his might (but not his superhearing yet). A guy in a blue jumpsuit exits through the same door Lana ran out of. He's holding a rifle. Lana runs in slow motion. Clark keeps saying Lana's name. A shot is fired. Lana is shot right in the back. Blam! Capped! She falls and lands face-down in a puddle of water. Hey, I know I can be harsh on Lana sometimes, but this is ice-cold, y'all. "Lana!" Clark yells into his end of the phone conversation. Close-up on Lana's dropped cell phone. Lana lies unconscious. At the crisis center, Clark tells Pete to call the police, and gets out of there. Close-up on the bullet hole in the back of Lana's sweater. Dark blood spreads outward as the camera pulls back from a sky view. Lightning flashes. Lana's dead, baby. Lana's dead.
Or is she? Clark superzips into The Talon. He's like, "Huh? What the --" Lana and Chloe are sitting on a couch together, studying. Chloe is wearing dark pink -- almost purple -- and Lana's in orange. Something is definitely screwy here. "Knock much?" Chloe asks. It's not like you were being naughty, experimenting pre-lesbians, Chloe. Lana looks at Clark and playfully says, "You're too late. I turned off the cappuccino machine an hour ago." Zoom in on a confused, perplexed, and freaked-out Clark Kent. "So, wait, I don't have to save you?" We go to the opening credits.
"Hi. We're original Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. We don't know what the hell is going on this season, either. Re-animated corpses? Whatever, dudes."
Ooh, Hellboy. Yeah, I know it looks silly, but the director rocks and Blade 2 was a fantastic comic-book style movie. Give it a chance, folks.
Ominous power lines hover above the youth center, which, with its V-shaped roof, looks a bit like Canada's answer to Whataburger. We jump immediately to a tape playing in a tape player with "4 HEAD" in big letters on the front. Hee. Forehead. Lana is yelling for help, and Clark is calling her name from, presumably, the night before. We see Lana reacting nauseatedly to the tape-recorded incident. Pete and Sheriff Cheshire are there, too. Pete says that the call came from a blocked ID. "Sounds like your voice, Miss Lang," says Cheshire. Lana says it can't be. Clark guesses it's a prank. A very hopeful prank by a fan of the show. Cheshire busts out her homespun wisdom and says that these incidents often come from closer to home than you'd expect. Like, in the bathroom. Cheshire must not know Lana very well, because she asks if the Pink Pwinceth had anything to do with this. Clark answers for Lana that she didn't. Cheshire says that unless Lana has grown a few inches and developed an affinity for plaid (pink plaid?), Clark should shut the fuck up. Cheshire supposes somebody could be imitating Lana. "Why would anyone do that?" asks Lana. Gee, I don't know. It's not like she's had stalkers or admirers or lesbian attractions or geeking adoration from producers every week since this show's been on the air. I just don't know, Lana. It's a mystery for the ages. Cheshire makes me dizzy with her homespinning: she says that if she had the answer to all the "whys" in this town, she'd have a bestseller on her hands. Freaky Freaks and the Freaking Freaksters who Freak Them, the new book by Sheriff Cheshire. She promises to look into this. But she reminds everyone that crank calls are not a top priority. Unless the call was from Spoony Love from up above. Now, if you'll excuse her, Cheshire has to go find a suspect who called a bar looking for Amanda Huginkiss. "You okay?" Clark asks Lana. She says that if someone is doing this as a joke, they have a pretty sick sense of humor. My bad. I totally made the prank call. I thought it was hilarious. Clark vows to help figure out who did this.