What's the cure for what ails Smallville this season? Sex, that's what! Woo! Yeah. I hope it works. Sigh.
Angel is a puppet? Dude, I would pay good Pay-Per-View money to see Smallville starring a bunch of puppets. Seriously. Get on that, Crank Yankers dudes.
We open on a street-level, steam-through-the-street-grate-view of the Luthorcorp building. This must be a different view than the one we're used to, because I don't see a place right in front for Lex to park. We move forward and look up. Yes, the building is quite tall.
Inside, a class from Smallville High's advanced economics class is being greeted by the most magnificent bastard I've missed lately, Papa Luthor. The class is in an open area, and there are lots of windows. It's a pretty building on the inside. "Welcome to Luthorcorp!" says Papa Luthor, reaching his arms out. But the econ teacher doesn't hug him. There must be some mistake, because Clark is in an advanced economics class. Chloe -- wearing some sort of '70s blouse with red flowers against beige (and the lapels, my God, the lapels!) -- looks absolutely bored and eye-rolly while Clark, in a red flannel shirt, just looks out of place. A cute extra in the background tries not to look at the camera. Papa Luthor says they're all there to learn something about business. We cut back to Papa and an admiring older lady (teacher? Lackey?) standing to him. Papa Luthor says that the most important factor in economic theory is the individual. And that individual is the president on the $1,000 bill. Tight shot on a tight hottie. Papa seems to think so, too. He singles her out: "Yes, you!" he says, pointing a gnarly finger at the comely blonde. Chloe rolls her eyes again and scratches her flippy hair. Papa Luthor talks about how rising above the rules and knowing when to break them requires absolute personal commitment. "I consider it a prerequisite for success." That and four hours of P.E. Blondie seems to be taking it all in with total devotion. It is the gospel to her. But not the bloody-Jesus kind of gospel. The lady behind Papa Luthor claps admiringly. The students follow mostly half-heartedly, except for the cute girl. "And I consider it despicable, immoral, and possibly illegal," Chloe snarks to Clark while everyone continues applauding. Papa Luthor busts her, wondering if she has a question. Chloe says nothing. Papa seeks other question-askers, but nobody takes the master's bait.
Papa Luthor hands the class back to "Mr. Simms." The teacher does not say, "They call me Mr. Simms," nor does he reveal a line of bars showing the status of his hunger, bladder, or social needs. Instead, he just asks the group to follow. Papa Luthor tells the teacher lady, "Mrs. Alice," goodbye, and then greets "Miss Sullivan" and "Mr. Kent." He says, "It's nice to see you both looking to the future." Chloe and Clark don't say a word to him. After Papa Luthor exits, Chloe asks if they should break for the fire escape. Clark would be all for it if the field trip didn't count toward their final grade. Grade-grubber! Everybody's waiting for them in the elevator, and nobody seems amused by their nonchalance. Chloe snarks, "Welcome to the Lionel Luthor exhibit; floor, victims, sycophants, and hatchet men." Chloe is really proud of her vocabulary here. Mrs. Alice -- who clearly has the burning thigh sweats for Papa Luthor -- says she's going to split up their jaded little fan club. She leaves Clark out of the elevator. Chloe gives Clark a tiny wave. Also left behind (was she in the bathroom?) is the blonde cutie. (I'm not even that into blondes, so don't look at me like that. For the purposes of the first third of this episode, she's supposed to be hot. I'm just playing along.) Clark presses the elevator button, and the two of them share an awkward silence as they wait. "Elevators," Clark says for no good reason. "Too much demand, not enough supply." Economics humor! Not even Alan Greenspan would have ever used that as a pick-up line. CuteBlonde purses her lips and gives a little nod. The elevator finally arrives. More awkward looks. Clark pushes a button inside to get this thing called life moving.
“ CuteBlonde comes over to Clark. She puts her hands on his shoulders. Some cool Predator effect surrounds them, accompanied by green mist. Did she poot? ”
The elevator ride. They're on the thirty-ninth floor. Oh, I didn't realize they were way up high in the building. I thought they were in the atrium getting ready to go up. My mistake. I guess I was just confused that Clark would be going down and Lex is nowhere to be seen. A loud buzzing noise comes from the elevator panel. Clark pushes "L." We cut to the elevator shaft, where the elevator car has been let loose. Sparks fly. It's falling! CuteBlonde hits the floor with a whimper. The elevator quickly goes from the thirty-second to the twenty-sixth floor. It's falling fast! Clark sees a round thing near the ceiling that we'll later learn is a security camera. His eyes go red, and he fries it with his eyejaculation. It glows red like a reindeer's nose. And, by now, they would have crashed. But I guess time has slowed. CuteBlonde whimpers again. Clark punches through the side of the elevator car and grabs a huge metal pipe. Clark grips this pipe like he's never gripped such a hard, long pipe before. The pipe smokes and glows red with excitement. Clark tightens his grip. I'm suddenly writing bad fan fiction. Shot of Clark with his arm through the hole. What a dirty little farmer's-daughter joke this has become. More sparks and hot glowing pipe. Grip harder, Clark, harder!
The elevator comes to a sudden stop on the nineteenth floor which, judging from how fast it was falling earlier, must mean they fell to the negative-nineteenth floor. CuteBlonde looks at Clark with wonder. She gets up and does a Rene Zellweger line reading of "What did you just do?" Clark asks her not to tell anyone about this. About his talent with pipe, that is. Incidentally, Clark's pipe-handling brings all the boys to the yard and yes, it's better than yours. Someone with a crowbar tries to pry open the elevator door. "Is somebody in there?" yells a person outside the car. Clark and CuteBlonde both look at the door with alarm. CuteBlonde comes over to Clark. She puts her hands on his shoulders. Some cool Predator effect surrounds them, accompanied by green mist. Did she poot? Cut to the elevator car plummeting. We end up looking at the ground-floor elevator doors. The camera shakes to signify that it crashed without actually showing us it did. A green shape appears to the elevator. It morphs into Clark and CuteBlonde. She looks to see if anyone saw them. "What did you just do?" Clark asks. CuteBlonde: "You didn't want to get caught and I wanted to help, so...." Clark stares at her in amazement. That mean woman Mrs. Alice who almost sent them to their death, and the crowd of students, approaches. CuteBlonde tells Clark that now he knows her secret, too. "You can't tell anybody. Please," she says. Clark tells the teacher they're all right. He lies that the elevator crashed right after they got out. Crashed from the ground floor? "It sounded like the cable broke," Clark lies. Lies, lies, lies with that Kent boy! "How did that happen?" Chloe asks. CuteBlonde backs away. Somebody starts jotting notes down, and it's not Chloe. Clark says he's fine. He makes eye contact with CuteBlonde. The camera pulls back on the confusion. We go to the opening credits.
“ You know, this scene has played out almost exactly like this in my house, only instead of Kryptonite, it's wedding- planning brochures. ”
Overly dramatic music and we cut to some sort of industrial complex. KentFan is wearing some black leather boots and a skirt. She'll still always be CuteBlonde to me. She walks down the stairs in this scary, misty place and sets down her bag. She calls out for Clark. Several times. Is this a crayon factory? Clark comes out of hiding. KentFan asks if he's all right. Look, maybe she's wrong and all, but she sure does seem to care about Clark. Am I just a big, dumb male for thinking she's not so bad? Clark says, panicky, that they're after him, and that the sheriff thinks Clark tried to kill KentFan's father. KentFan knows. Clark says she has to tell them the truth. She says she can't do that. She says she and KentFan can just disappear and nobody will ever find them. Sure, why not? It would have been a better fate for Romeo and Juliet. Clark looks back over his shoulder, perhaps at some cue cards. He agrees that maybe that's the only way. KentFan smiles.
Clark leads KentFan down the scary complex. A door is open, and Clark pretends to be scared and that cops have arrived. He leads KentFan to a room. It's entirely red. She sees a can of paint and a brush on the floor. "Lead paint?" she asks. All right, wait just a goddamned minute here. Where did Clark buy lead paint? They don't just sell that shit at Home Depot. In fact, hasn't it been illegal since 1978? So much for logic. Wait, what was I thinking? I'm watching Smallville. KentFan asks if Clark is trying to trap her. If this were Red Shoe Diaries, they'd totally get it on in here and she'd be kinky about the not-being-able-to-teleport. Now that I think of it (and I haven't before, honest), but how cool would teleportation sex be? No more awkward limb-fumbling and tangled sheets! Perhaps I'm reading too much into this scene. KentFan asks if Clark is trying to trap her like her parents did. Maybe he's just trying to kill her with lead-paint cancer. Clark tells KentFan that what she did to her dad was wrong. She counters that Clark just wants her out of the way so that he can be with Lana. God help us, no. Clark tells KentFan she needs help. Maybe she can go to the insane asylum with all of Clark's other buddies. KentFan gets ready to kiss Clark and says she's the one who's right for Clark. Of the ladies, at least. Clark pushes her away. He says the police are on their way. She says that just because she can't teleport out of the room doesn't mean she can't walk out. Ooh, non-teleportation burn. Clark begins to weaken. KentFan pulls out a big hunk of glowing meteor rock from her pocket. Clark falls. Yep, it's just like the fifty other times we've seen it. I'm surprised nobody's started a website on the show telling everyone Clark's weakness. KentFan tells Clark she overheard him telling his parents about his meteor-rock allergy. She hoped not to do this, but Clark "broke the rules first." Clark writhes. KentFan bends down and puts her arms around Clark, cradling him: "Once Lana's out of the way, you'll realize we were meant to be together." I feel the exact same way about the show as a whole. KentFan kisses Clark. Stupidly, he kisses back. He's twitchy. KentFan says they're still meant to be together and are still soulmates. You know, this scene has played out almost exactly like this in my house, only instead of Kryptonite, it's wedding-planning brochures.