Vroom, Vroom, Vroom!

S03E13

By Omar G

Well, here we go. I'm just gonna sit down and do what I do every week...procrastinate until Saturday and then marathon a recap out 'this mutha. Yessiree. I've got my five-calorie-per-glass pink lemonade Crystal Light-imitation drink. I've got my Kameleon remote at the ready (it's set to: CBL/SAT and humming happily). Couch? Clear. Cushions? Fluffed. WB commercials and promos? Fast-forwarded.

So what do we got this week, Smallville? Bad Kryptovillain? Revelation about Clark's birth family? What can I look forward to? Let's see. First scene. Bring it on.

...WHAT?! Oh, come on. No, no, no, no, no! A hospital scene?! Did I not just swear those off? Why are you doing this to me, show? That's right. I can't even say your name right now, gay superhero show. I hate you. Don't look at me. Just...just go away. Show.

Fine. Hospital. Nighttime. Inside, we pan across some pretty old-looking hospital equipment to Bo Duke, who's asleep, tube in nose. That IV isn't going to just absorb itself, you know. Bo blinks his eyes a few times and wakes up. MamaKent and Clark -- who are sitting in the room looking bored -- suddenly spring into action. Behind Clark, an X-Ray light box is on for no reason. MamaKent and Clark come to the bed. MamaKent asks how Bo's feeling. Blink one for "Dandy," twice for "My eyes are dry." Bo asks if they're still there (yes, Bo), and says they should go home and get some rest. I guess he's already been there a while. When nobody moves, Bo sighs and tells Clark not to worry: "It's going to take a whole lot more than a heart attack to keep your old man down." That's it. He's done it! The Stupidest Bo Line Ever! What's it going to take, then? Head getting blown off? Ass cancer? Total molecular breakdown? Clark says he feels like this is his fault. He insisted on bacon grease in every meal. This is the part where parents (and Robin Williams) normally say, "It's not your fault," but instead Bo and MamaKent just exchange a look. Bo waves Clark over. Bo holds Clark's hand and tells him that there are a lot of things he can do, but that causing cardiac arrest isn't one of them. Crush your head like a bean? Yes. Fry your eyeballs with his own eyes? Yes. Throw you out of the Earth's orbit with a mighty arm swing? Sure. But a heart attack? It's just beyond him. Clark says that the last time Bo went to the doctor, he was told he had the heart of a twenty-year-old. Well, yes, but it was a hired hand named Jesse who came between Bo and the cows, and when it came down to choosing...well, let's just say the cows have the dairy-producing advantage. Clark says that vague diagnosis was given just before Clark went to Metropolis. Bo cuts him off and says that if Clark is suggesting that his biological father had anything to do with this.... "He gave you powers to bring me home that no human was meant to have," Clark says. So Bo's had the powers all this time? Or they just weakened his heart in the short time he had them? Some explanation here, maybe? No? We should move on, then? All right, whatever you say, Show. MamaKent tells Clark that there were other factors. Clark continues on his whiny trip, saying that if he hadn't put on that red Kryptonite ring, Bo wouldn't be in that bed. Bo's eyes well up with tears. "As hard as this is for you to believe," he says, "not everything that goes wrong in Smallville is Clark Kent's fault." Nope, it's Lana's. Significant looks are exchanged. Clark wonders what a Guacamole Dorito would taste like.

A town road on a foggy night. The red Kent truck stops at a well-lit intersection. MamaKent is driving. She starts to say something, but Clark is in his own little world, with wide dance belts and paint colors from Ralph Lauren. MamaKent goes back to driving, but stops short when Clark yells, "Watch out!" Two cars blaze in front of them, coming within a foot or two of the truck. The cars are going fast. One of them is trailing some green fire from the tailpipe. Clark unbuckles his seatbelt to get out of the car. "They're going to kill someone!" he says, by way of explaining his departure. Clark never misses a good killing! MamaKent: "So...I'll just...stay here then, shall I?...Right."

2 Fast, 2 MadeforTV action. A yellow car and a red car speed past us, carrying enough neon to light up a Sonic burger stand. A neatly aligned set of two car rows, lit by flares, are at the finish. The town has suddenly been invaded by tricked-out custom cars. The racing cars slow, the red car winning by a car length. A crowd of extras comes over, cheering. Loud, gear-thumping music is playing. I really need some Ibuprofen. Clark superzips into the scene, but goes into sudden, weird slow motion. Maybe his timing belt is off this week. Clark feels out of place among these "teens." Sneaky Pete emerges from the driver's seat of the red car. He's wearing a racing jacket that says "Erice" on it? "Enya"? Oh, "Enyce," a line of urban wear that Pete's probably never really heard of. Why not "FUBU"? Some dude with squinty eyes yells to the crowd that the reigning king of speed, "Pete 'The Boss' Ross," has won. Clark is stunned. Some Christina Aguilera-lookin' girl in leather kisses Pete on the cheek. Oh, sweet victory. Clark can't believe it. Or be happy for his friend. Remember: Clark is a dick these days.

Opening credits: "Hi, I'm John Glover. I'm not exactly sure where I went either."

We return to a back road amid houses and barns. Loud house music is thumpin' thumpin' as the red Kent family truck is driving along. The music is coming from a large barn, and the red racing car is parked half-in, half-out of the front barn door. Other cars are parked haphazardly outside the barn. Pete and Squinty Eyes Guy are messing around in the trunk of the red racer. A metal cartridge holding glowy green fluid is mounted in the truck. "Whoa, Dante, that's some serious green," Pete says. If you're going to keep saying stupid shit like that, Pete, we're going to revoke this "Pete-centric" episode. "Dante" (ew. I'm not going to call him that) says that he upped the meteor-rock ratio in the batch of nitrous for the car. Pete goes, "Wooo!" and says that the guy ought to be working for NASA, since the cars are going to be like rockets. You know what I'd like right now? A rocket to anywhere else but this episode. Pete does the White Man's Fist Bang with Squinty Eyes Guy.

Clark approaches and greets Pete and Squinty Eyes Guy. Pete closes the trunk and asks Clark what he's doing there. Squinty Eyes Guy tells Clark, "Hey, nice ride, man. What does that do, like, 0 to 60 in an hour?" If you're not a racer, you're just slow, man! SLOW! We racers? We're FAST! We're fast, we outlast, get used to it! Clark is unamused and looks about fifty years old here. Squinty Eyes Guy (seriously, did he get stung by a bee?) says that if Clark ever wants to turn his "tortoise" into a "hare," Clark should give Squinty Eyes Guy a call. I thought the word "hare" had passed from popular usage around 1981. "See ya, bro," The Squint tells Pete. Pete thinks, "'Bro'? Oh, yeah! I'm black!" Squint, who's wearing some sort of reptilian alien body armor coat, goes to work on a Beamer.

"How's your dad?" Pete asks Clark. Clark is still giving Pete the Dirty Eyes. And not the nice ones. Clark says he's fine, but that Pete almost obliterated the Kent truck the night before. Clark says that his mother was driving. Pete apologizes, but smiles and says that he was in complete (comPETE!) control the whole time. Clark busts out the stern eyebrows: "At 100 miles an hour?" Pete walks into the barn/auto shop, as Clark follows, and says that Clark isn't exactly one to talk about breaking the speed limit. He says that Clark knows what it's like to move so fast nobody can touch him. For Pete, driving a fast car is as close as he'll ever get. Clark eyes the garage. There are shiny new cars, sleek rims, and posters for racing brands I've never heard of. (My brother -- who spends more time fixing up his black Tiburon than I do on my computer -- would probably recognize a lot of this stuff. Unfortunately, you're stuck with a recapper who knows as much about cars as he does Ugandan tribal etiquette. You're going to read a lot of "That one car that is blue," and "the car goes really fast, vroom vroom!" in this recap.) Clark asks Pete how long he's been doing this. Pete says he's been doing it a couple of months. Every time he'd have a line on the show, he'd duck out right afterward and get to work. Clark asks why Pete didn't tell Clark about this. Because it wasn't trendy before! And 2 Fast 2 Furious wasn't out on DVD yet, so the writers couldn't crib stuff from it for the script until now. Pete says he didn't tell Clark because Supermope would try to ground him and take away his allowance. Clark tells Pete that he could really hurt someone. Pete says he knows how to handle these cars, and that Squinty Guy is the best driver in the county. Clark says that Pete's breaking the law. "You could go to jail," Clark says. In college, my friends and I would sometimes go back to the old pool hall where we used to hang out, and one of us would see a girl who was clearly too young (as in jailbait), we'd make a long screeching sound of a prison door closing and then slamming shut: "You'd go to jail!" Pete tells Clark he's good at keeping secrets, and that nobody need ever know about his need. His need...for SPEED! (I can't believe I just typed that.) Clark is conflicted about keeping a secret. My God, what is that even like?

Newspaper. A photo of Poor Man's Wes Bentley is staring at us. The headline: "Tulsa Valedictorian Dead at 17." You all do know there's only one high school in all of Tulsa, right? PM'sWB tells Lana that everybody has someone who looks like him or her. "Chad Nash doesn't just look like you," Lana says sternly. "Chad Nash"? Ha! "Karate team, orchestra, computer club," Lana lists from the obit. She says that those are all things PM'sWB is a master of. He got all that expert knowledge from a high school in Oklahoma? According to the article, Lana says, PM'sWB died five months earlier of a rare liver disease. I think I may die from this episode. He asks whether Lana has shown the article to anyone. Lana says no. "Are you sure!?" he demands. Lana wants to know what's going on. He twitches a bit and tells her she can't reveal this to anyone. His left eye starts getting really red. Suddenly, the eye begins to bleed. Ew! He doesn't feel it, so Lana has to tell him he's bleeding. "Happens all the time," he says reassuringly. He says it's just a broken capillary. From watching Rob Schneider movies. Lana asks if he's all right. Oh, sure, just a little eye-bleed. PM'sWB grabs Lana by the arm and leads her out of his room. He roughly tells Lana that she has to promise not to tell anyone about his, um, death. "My life could depend on it," says Bloody Eye Bentley. Lana nods. He closes the door on her then winces. Lana backs away from the door. She sees through a mirror reflecting inside the room that he rushes to the bathroom, looking sickly. Couldn't Lana just throw his ass out?

Stately Luthor Manor. Chloe -- looking quite the fashion plate in her thick scarf -- tells our favorite Bald Baddie About Town that she's been checking up on PM'sWB, and that he's got an intimate relationship with needles. Lex makes a lame joke about how Chloe's probably not talking about embroidering. Chloe brings up the vial she found in PM'sWB's room, and says she took it to Smallville Med to have it analyzed. Sure, hospitals love doing extensive tests on samples for no good reason other than that a high-school student asked them to. Lex asks what's in the vial. Chloe says it's a serum that contains minute amounts of cells that resemble blood platelets. I'd be much happier if it were the Woody Allen-looking sperm from Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask. Chloe says the remarkable thing is that the genetic makeup is like nothing the pathologist had ever seen in a human or animal. And then the pathologist happily gave back the sample and forgot all about it, leaving all that knowledge to Chloe. Lex examines the vial. Ah...yes...cylindrical. "I like that shape." Chloe says she went on to take a "peek" at PM'sWB's medical records. "Privacy laws don't seem to faze you much, do they?" Lex asks. Chloe says not when she's worried about one of her best friends. When have Chloe and Lana even exchanged a kind word or two lately? When it wasn't apologizing for an ass-kicking? Chloe makes a Talented Mr. Ripley reference and says she's going to make sure the dude isn't dangerous as long as he's living above Lana. Chloe adds that when he was in the hospital, PM'sWB had a doctor visiting him twice a week, and that it wasn't an M.D. "Dr. Tang" is a professor of molecular biology at Metropolis U. Lex asks if Chloe's talked to Tang. Heh, that sounds like a dirty joke. Chloe says that the doctor, a she, is so far up in the ivory tower, Chloe'd need a hook and ladder. I think Chloe's just throwing in random words to throw me off. Chloe implores Lex to follow up with the doctor. So he can have a Lexy Sexy scene. Lex asks whether Chloe mentioned any of this to Lana. Nope. Lex asks her to keep it that way. I like that plan. Let's just not ever tell Lana anything ever again.

Back road. Pete is driving along in his silly jacket. Something blue and pretty whooshes past him on the driver's side. Pete suddenly sees Clark standing in the middle of the road in front of him. He brakes hard. The car stops inches from Clark, who looks haggard and worried. Pete angrily gets out of the car and says that if he'd hit Clark, he would have totaled the car, which isn't his, by the way. Clark is mad that Pete was going so fast. It's not like people are dying or in need of help elsewhere. Clark says it's his business, since Pete started racing Kryptonite-powered cars that can break the sound barrier. "Don't I wish," Pete says. Clark tells Pete that there've been a series of fatal car accidents in the county recently. Clark says that the cars involved all had the same Kryptonite booster tanks. Pete says that only the cars he drives are truly safe. Clark says that's not the point. Pete says it is. By being louder, Pete sort of wins the argument. Pete says that for once in his life, he's finally found something he's really good at. Clark says that Pete's good at a lot of things. "Like what?" Pete asks. "Like basketball!" Clark says. Oh. Wow. Guess what? Since I'm Latino, I'm really good at cooking up them tacos and spraypainting. I really wish Pete would just rear back and slap the shit out of Clark here for that stupid line, even if it wouldn't hurt him. Pete, according to Clark, has "a killer jump shot." He's also shorter than I am. Clark says that Pete's beaten him plenty of times. "When you're not using your powers!" Pete whines. Pete lists his mediocrities. He's all right at hoops. A decent photographer. Pete talks about the crowd last night and how they were chanting his name. Actually, he was racing near a Subway sandwich shop and all the vegetarians there were demanding sandwiches made primarily of "wheat, wheat, wheat!" Pete says he finally gets to feel what Clark feels every day: Lex's scrot? Oh: "Special." Clark says he's not special, he's "different." Pete tells Clark that he can do things others can only dream of. Pete says that even before he knew Clark's secret, he was always walking in Clark's shadow. It must have been cold there. Clark tries to interject, but Pete continues that it's not a bad place to be. But he's growing up and has his own talents. Clark says he can't allow Pete to race anymore; it's too dangerous. Pete asks if Clark is going to physically stop him every time he goes to race. Clark shuts the car door angrily. "If I have to!" he yells. Stare-down. Pete finally says, "Fine, Clark. You win." He says he'll just keep living vicariously through Clark. Pete gets into the car and drives off noisily. No ride for Clark.

Hospital sce-- DAMMIT! Bo is in his bed, clicking on a TV remote, when Clark comes in. Clark says that Bo looks like he's feeling better. Bo suggests that they give the room to somebody who's really sick: "I've got a farm to run." And four hungry children and a crop in the field. Clark says that everything is taken care of; what Bo needs to concentrate on is getting better, and his checkers strategy. Wow. Thrilling. No wonder Pete doesn't want to hang around Clark anymore. Clark puts the checkers box on a little rolling tray and brings it over. Bo, annoyed, asks if Clark shouldn't go out with his friends or something. Seriously, superhero. Get a damn life! Clark: "Why would I go out with my friends when I could beat my dad at checkers?" Therein lies everything that is wrong with Clark. He's not really a functioning teenager, is he? Bo tells Clark that just because he's stuck there doesn't mean his son has to be. Plus, Bo was about to order some Spankavision on the TV. "Go to the movies, I'll watch TV," Bo says. That's your answer for everything! Clark says that Pete has other plans. Doesn't Clark have other friends? What about all the kryptofreaks that turned out nice, or what about Chloe? Or his damn mom! Maybe she needs some company. Bo asks if Clark and Pete are all right. Clark says that Pete's been hanging with a different crowd lately -- a noisy, chanting one. Bo adjusts himself in bed. "When you mean 'different,' do you mean 'wrong'?" Bo asks. No, he means, "special." Wait. "Special" is better than "different," but "different" is sort of "wrong." Got it? Clark thinks he's been taking Pete for granted. That's all right. So has everyone associated with this show. Bo says that Clark and Pete have been friends "since the sandbox." Bo tells Clark that as long as he's not getting in trouble, he should just give Pete some time. Clark thinks about that. A lot.

On the set of 2 Pete, 2 I'mPastCaring, Pete is getting some cheers and huzzahs as he makes his way toward the waiting red car. Somebody installed a fluorescent light on the dash. "How you feeling, boss?" Squinty Eyes Guy asks. "Like I'm about to own the road!" Pete offers. Yes. Really. You're a big man there, Pete. Pete gets strapped in, but is told by his buddy, "You're going to have to shift gears." Pete doesn't know what that technical car jargon means. Squinty tells Pete it's time to take a dive. Pete is 6 and 0, and nobody wins forever, he's told. All the money's on Pete, apparently. Pete still doesn't get it. His friend says that there's a lot of money to be made if Pete gets smoked. They can sell him as Mary Jane, hash, whatever a cremated Pete can be rolled into. Pete asks if all the talk about the beauty of racing and the triumph of victory was a lie. Not a lie -- just a mythical fable sponsored by urban jacketwear. Squinty says that he meant every word of it, but that this is the beauty of racing, "Dante-style." Doggystyle? He says he'll meet Pete at the finish line. Poor Woman's Christina Aguilera leans in to the car and gives Pete a full-mouthed kiss for good luck. "Not that you need it," she says. Pete's lips start to bubble and boil from the toxins she's carrying. Some thirty-year-old guy with a bandanna is Pete's opponent. Pete rolls up his window. Furiously! Christina goes up in front of the cars (but not between them). Gears are shifted. Smoke blows. A yellow hankie is raised. Christina pulls it down. The red car and the black car, they go "VROOM!" Fast fast fast! Pete's finger hesitates on a green button. He hits the brake and goes from 81 mph to about 76. My grandma goes that fast on the highway. The black car is beating Pete. Pete is like, "Aw, fuck this," and pushes the green button. Special effect of green fluid entering the intake on the, uh, car. Green fire! Pete breaks 101 mph. He speeds ahead, smiling. Pete passes the finish line. People line up and cheer. He's a Cool Rider! Pete emerges, "raising the roof." Backslapping, cheers. "Congratulations, boss," Squinty says. How'd he get to the finish line so fast? Pete tells him he didn't have the cheating thing in him. Squinty is pissed. He pushes Pete around and says this isn't Hot Wheels racing. Of course it isn't: there was no plastic loop. Squinty's out $20,000. "Sorry," Pete says. Squinty wants his car keys and his $20,000 and never wants to see Pete again. Fair enough. Pete asks where he's going to get that money. Whoring? "If you don't, the only car you're going to be driving in is a hearse," Squinty says. He's not exactly very menacing, is he? Well, Pete looks menaced. The rap song playing says, "That's just the way I am!" Yes. Lame.

Commercials. Listerine fresh strips. They had those in Canada before they had them here, and man...those things'll burn your tongue off.

Smallville Medical Center, where -- hey! You guys really have it in for me, huh? Clark wanders the hall. He runs into Lana, who's trailing some balloons behind her. They're thought balloons that say, "...uh...beige! No, pink!" Lana asks how Clark's dad is doing. She waited this long to visit? Clark says he'll be better when they get him home. Clark says he has to run, but that his dad's room is around the corner. Clark starts to walk past Lana until she asks if he's seen PM'sWB around. Has she checked Lex's bed? Clark asks if something's wrong. Lana avoids the question and says she hopes Bo likes the balloons. It was that or the "Get Well" Teddy Bear. How about the "Lana Gets Killed Off" greeting card? Clark gets all moony and says that Bo will love them. Bo's a fan of anything containing as much hot air as is in him. Clark leaves. Lana stands there. It's not much of a moment.

Monkey! I was shocked by the monkey! We see it after a brief shot of Metropolis from overhead. Lex has walked into a research lab where the monkey is right out in the open. It screeches. Monkey, monkey! "Dr. Tang," says Lex. It's a lady doctor! And she's pretty cute. She snarks that if he'd bothered to read the sign on the door, Lex would know that her office hours don't start until 5. Lex never really meets any women who say nice things to him from the get-go, does he? They all give him attitude and act like he's some awful imposition. I guess he just likes it rough. Tang is staring into a microscope. "I'm not a student, doctor; I'm Lex Luthor," he says. You better re'canize! Dr. Poonie Tang stops what she's doing and asks if she's supposed to be impressed. She's a lot more dignified here than she was in Rumble in the Bronx. She informs Lex that even the Chancellor (Helmut Kohl?) makes an appointment before interrupting her work. Lex is awfully amused. "I've heard you like to play doctor," Lex says suddenly. "Think I can get a checkup?" Dirty! Tang says she doesn't give physicals, and she doesn't see any of her patients. She's an Invisible Specialist, treating only the clear. "I'm a research scientist," she says. Lex better re'canize. Lex asks about PM'sWB; he doesn't understand why a world-renowned molecular biologist would pay visits to a patient in a small-town hospital. Yes, the world over, the name "Dr. Poonie Tang" is synonymous with "Damn Good Research." She's offended. She says that the money Lex's family funnels to the university doesn't give Lex the right to interrogate her. She excuses herself. But doesn't burp. Lex asks whether the work she's doing involves blood platelets of unknown origins. She scoffs that Lex has seen one too many science fiction movies. That's a pretty standard dismissal on this show. Lex has been fascinated with "hematology" for quite some time, he says. He's got some pretty racy hematology videos starring Blood Rogers and Bleedy Gonzalez. Lex says he'll be sure to call first time so that he doesn't interrupt "a moment of inspiration." Ooh, that naughty Lex. Dr. Tang watches Lex leave. She looks nervous.

Fucking hospital again. Pete has just come out of Bo's room. Clark sees him. Pete says that from the way Bo is going on about Kansas State's free shooting, you wouldn't know he'd had a heart attack. From anything on this show, you wouldn't know he'd had a heart attack. Dial it down a notch, Bo! Clark is glad Pete stopped by. Pete asks how Clark is holding up. Clark says it was tough, but now that Bo's "out of the woods" (but going back to the farm), he's feeling better. Pete says that Bo is the strongest guy he knows besides Clark. Smiles. Clark is really digging this boring conversation. Pete starts to leave. Clark asks if he's all right. I'm quickly falling asleep. Pete says that Clark has enough on his plate without Pete's adding to it. Not really. Clark has no life right now. It's the perfect time to burden him with your problems. Clark stops Pete from leaving and asks to know what's going on. Pete, almost crying, tells Clark about the non-thrown race. Pete doesn't know what to do. Clark doesn't know what $20,000 is like now that he's not evil and in Metropolis. Clark advises Pete to lie low until he figures something out.

Auto Barn. Clark comes into the barn, which is decorated with all the cars and racing memorabilia. He spots a locker with a bunch of stickers on it. "H&R"? The tax people? Clark does some X-Ray vision on the locker and sees a bunch of license plates inside. His eyes widen. No! Not license plates! Egads!

High school. Clark is sitting to Chloe in the Torch office. She asks if he thinks Squinty Eyes Guy is more "Grand Theft Auto" than "Indy 500." She knows less about racing than I do! Clark asks why he'd have license plates and brand-new registrations to match. Chloe asks why Clark is so interested in this story. Clark says that once you get going on a good story, you can't stop until you get to the bottom of it. It must really suck to be Chloe and know how often Clark lies. Chloe gently brings up that she already knows about Pete "The Boss" Ross. Clark: Busted. Chloe says that Pete is her friend too, and that his life is at risk. Clark says that Pete asked him to keep it a secret. He did? When? Chloe reminds Clark that sometimes keeping a secret for a friend hurts more than it helps. Chloe says that Pete might listen to her, since Pete and Clark are like brothers. She says that, among siblings, it's sometimes hard to take advice. Chloe works on the computer and pulls up some of the VIN numbers Clark gave her. They all come up as "STOLEN." "He could be the poster boy for Lojack," Chloe says. Does she even know what she's talking about? I really do think she just carries an electronic word/phrase generator to make my life harder. Clark says it's all the evidence he needs: He's going to the sheriff. Chloe: "I guess I'll just...sit here then...shall I?...Right."

Boom box blaring bass beats and mixed with guitar rock. Squinty is welding at the auto barn. He's interrupted by the sheriff and some police busting in through the big barn door. The sheriff really wants somebody to "drop that drill now!" Guns are drawn. Squinty licks his lips.

Kent home. "Good work, Mr Kent," the Sheriff tells Clark when he answers the door. She says it only took eight deputies and four cruisers to discover that the barn was "as clean as [her] grandma's pantry." Her grandma is still alive? Medical miracles never cease! Clark says he saw those license plates. She says that the only plates in the barn were the ones in the kitchenette sink. You only get one more simile this week, sheriff. You're way past quota. She says that the VIN numbers Clark gave her didn't match the ones on the cars in the barn. Clark shakes his head and says that's impossible. "Your information is about as accurate as the local weatherman," the Sheriff tells Clark. We have reached SIMILE OVERLOAD! Please empty out your similes and hand them to our simile stormtroopers, who will gladly take them off your hands and donate them to struggling writers. The sheriff says she's going to cut Clark some slack because she's had her eye on Squinty for a while and "he is one slippery fish." Squinty, too. She warns Clark that the time he says there's "a storm a-brewin'," she'd better see some rain. It must be nice to have all your dialogue written by Reader's Digest.

The Barnness of 2 Slow, 2 Boringitude. Clark goes up to the loft. Pete's waiting. He's bloody about the face. And scared. And shaking. Pete says that Squinty thought Pete was the one who called the sheriff. So they kicked his ass. Apparently, Squinty has a deputy "in his pocket." It's a very tiny deputy. Clark says that's why he never gets busted. Clark tries to help Pete with his wounds, but Pete backs away and says he needs Clark to help get that $20,000. Clark doesn't know where to get it. "Go Kal on an ATM machine!" Pete says. ["Redundantly." -- Wing Chun] "You've done it before." Clark says that he was on red Kryptonite. "So go slip on a ring!" Pete demands. Clark says he can't do that. Pete says that they're going to kill his parents first, and then Pete. Clark says he'd never let that happen, but that he doesn't want to break the law. Pete says they've "gone Watergate" on so many people, it shouldn't matter. Yeah! Clark says they were trying to help others. Pete insists that now he's the one who needs help. Pete's crying. He says that if Clark beats Squinty up, the guy will just come after them later. Clark can't be on Secret Service detail all the time. So, death then? Death? You think? Yeah. Squinty'll probably die, huh? Pete says he has to put an end to this. Clark says there has to be another way. Pete cries that it's his family they're talking about: "If you don't give me that cash, we're dead." Clark thinks about pudding.

Commercials. Would I buy insurance from President Palmer? I'm thinking yes.

Lair of Lex. "Clark, you just caught me!" Lex announced. With Renaldo! Lex was on his way to a meeting. Lex asks if Clark's dad enjoyed the DVD player he sent over. Clark says Bob did: "He, uh, really enjoyed those Westerns." That's why he was flipping channels on the TV? Freakin' Liar Clark. Lex -- suited up and walking down his hallways with Clark in tow -- hopes Bo is feeling better. Clark says that Lex has already done so much, but he still needs another favor: "I need $20,000 cash." He has photos. They're naughty. "You're right. That is big," says Lex. For lack of better material this week, it's the Gayest Look/Line of the Episode. Lex spends $20,000 on Kleenex for his bathrooms in a month. Lex asks what the money's for. Clark says his "friend" got mixed up with a bad crowd, and now they're making him pay for it. Every week, the four other ruffians force him to come and help make over slobby straight guys on TV. Lex asks if this is the old proverbial friend who happens to be Clark. Clark says it would be a lot easier if it were him. Lex says that money-hungry thugs are like stray dogs. They love ribs. Also, they'll keep coming back, asking for more. Clark tells Lex that his friend is being threatened with death. A lackey in a suit pokes his head into the room. "Mr. Luthor. Chopper's waiting," he says. "Chopper" is a midget with the best hands in the business. "Be careful," Lex tells Clark, but doesn't offer up the money. He grabs his coat and leaves the room. Clark notices the keys to Lex's Porsche in a silver ashtray.

Porsche-ridin'! Clark has driven home in Lex's silver ride. Pete is waiting there for him. Clark's not happy about it. "Here's your $20,000," Clark tells Pete. Pete says that the car's worth a lot more than that. He asks if Lex gave it to Clark. "Not exactly," says Clark. Clark says he'll give the car back after Pete challenges Squinty of the Eyes to a race he can't refuse. To a...what? This isn't a great plan, Clark. Seriously. Clark says that if Squinty wins the race, he'll keep the Porsche. If Pete wins, he won't owe any money. Great plan, except...doesn't Lex bear the brunt of this awful scheme if it backfires? Pete says that as fast the car moves, it can't stand a chance against Squinty's car. Clark says that the Porsche is the prize; Pete'll drive the car he's always driven. The one that doesn't belong to him? Sure, Squinty will go for that. Pete says that Squinty Eyes has never lost a race. Clark says he'll use his heat vision to fry Squinty's engine. He's going to cheat? Why, that rascal! Pete: "A last-minute tune-up, Clark, you're awesome!" Clark spins on Pete and rails at him for enjoying this. No one is allowed to have fun in this episode. Especially not me. Clark is mad that he had to steal, lie, and now cheat for Pete. I thought that, in a regular Clark week, that was just called "Wednesday." "Let's get this done," Clark says bitterly.

Garage barn. Squinty is in the Porsche convertible. Christina Aguilera is standing around looking bored. Or drugged-up. Squinty seems to have agreed to the deal with Clark and Pete. He says that Pete has "quite a pair of lug nuts" to take him on. Indeed. Pete has got his Enyce jacket back on. It still looks ridiculous on him. Squinty tells his "baby" to take the Porsche down to the starting line. He kisses her in a familiar way. Pete's jealous that the trophy girl was never his. Pete asks how he knows the girl isn't going to drive off with the car. Pete takes the keys to drive the car down there himself. He asks Clark to keep an eye on the Mustang. That's the...er...red one, right? Squinty smiles and squints as Pete shoots out of the barn. Clark uses his crutch-in-ear-field superhearing to listen to Squinty talk to one of his henchmen about the race. It's a mighty animated ear! They're worried Pete might really win. They're going to rig the car so that it blows up at 100 mph. And Squinty is still calling Pete "The Boss," which is strange given that they think he's a pansy. Clark marches off to tell those bad guys off: "The race is off! You rigged his car." Squinty asks who made Clark racing commissioner. A thug picks up a Kryptonite fuel tank and holds it up. Clark starts to get sick. Dude whacks Clark in the back of the head with the tank. Clark goes down. Hard. I swear I've seen that tank-wielding thug on this show before. Squinty tells them to put Clark in the trunk.

Outside, at the Porsche, Pete asks where Clark is. Squinty says he thought Clark was out here with Pete. He says, "Let's stop stalling. Let's put it down." Down...on the road? I'm really confused here. Does he mean gas fumes? Pete gets into the red car. The camera eyes the trunk, and inside we see Clark, with the Kryptonite fuel tank right to him. Clark's not looking too healthy. "Pete?" he moans. "Good luck, Boss," Squinty tells Pete just as they gun up their engines and get ready to race. Christina Aguilera and her purple imitation leather outfit stand at the ready. She waves the yellow hankie. They're off! Obnoxious rock music plays. Pete loses the early lead. He catches up. In the trunk, Clark is sleeeeeeepy. Racing. RPM stuff. Squinty Eyes takes the lead. Seabiscuit comes from behind! Pete catches up. He hits the green button, and Kryptonitrous shoots through the engine. Green flames come out of the exhaust. Pete shoots ahead like a majestic rocket. Pete's digital speedometer reads 94, 95. In the trunk, the green fuel is emptying out. Clark suddenly wakes up. Pete shifts his car higher. He's pushing 98. Clark looks at the line leading from the Kryptonite tank, and it's not real clear what happens here, but I think Clark punches through the fuel tank. Pete's speed suddenly decreases quite a lot. Gasoline sprays all over the road. Squinty squints like, "What the...?" His car swerves. It swerves again. The it suddenly blows up from underneath and flips over. Pete looks at his rearview in surprise. "That should have been Pete!" everyone watching at home screams. The Squintymobile is totally totaled. Pete stops his car and goes to look at the car. Squinty is all bloody and smashed against the windshield. Clark gets out of the trunk. "Oh my God. I think he's dead," says Pete. Clark looks so calm and relaxed about it it's almost funny. Wait, it is funny. Clark is jaded by death and dismemberment.

Commercials: Grounded for Life. How long will it be unjustly on the air? Probably for life.

Lair of Lex. I know Lex usually drinks orange juice these days, but I didn't know he'd switched to Tang. Oh, wait, that's Dr. Tang. As in the beautiful Asian scientist now wearing an elegant pantsuit. Lex actually looks like he's pouring coffee. She storms in: "Thanks to you, the University has threatened to revoke my tenure. My funding has been cut off!" I thought the idea of tenure was that it couldn't be revoked. Lex says he guesses that's the consequence of conducting illegal drug trials without bothering to notify the university or the FDA. Lex says she's lucky no federal charges have been pressed, but that it may just be a matter of time. "What exactly is it that you want?" Tang asks. Lex asks her to do what she does best: "Biology." She asks how he expects her to do that. With frogs. They won't even let her into the university building anymore. Lex says he's going to fund her research. How many research projects do the Luthors have out there? Couldn't they cure cancer in there somewhere? He tells her to consider her budget doubled, and she'll have access to any equipment she needs, as long as she tells Lex where the platelets are and what she's using them for. She looks stunned, but not altogether frowny on the idea.

Upstairs at The Talon. Poor Man's Wes Bentley is moaning in bed. Oh, Lex! Wait, it's just a nightmare. Oh, Pete! PM'sWB, shirtless, throws back the covers on the bed. He's moaning and hacking. His eye is bleeding again. He grabs a needle and shoves it in his stomach. It looks like he's got weird scars all over his torso. He breathes heavily. Lana knocks at the door. He says he'll be right there. He finally answers. His chest looks fine, but he's all sweaty. Lana tells him that she didn't tell anyone his secret, but that she deserves an explanation about "Chad Nash." He starts bullshitting that this is bigger than Lana realizes. He asks Lana to forget about it for her own good. Lana can't. She says thatif he's going to live there, he's going to have to be honest with her. "You want the truth?" he asks. He leans up close. "I'll make it real clear to you. You tell anyone what you found out and you're going to regret ever meeting me." So much for his taking Lana's virginity. Lana is scared and pissed. He looks at her coldly and backs into his room. He shuts the door on her. The pwetty pink pwincess is going to cwy.

The Barnness of Checkered Flagitude. Lex greets Clark. He came to find out whatever happened to Clark's "friend." Clark says that the dog's bark was bigger than his bite. Also? The dog was killed in a fiery explosion. Lex says that he had a feeling Clark would work it out. He says the oddest thing happened: After he talked to Clark, his Porsche was seen speeding off the ground. "Someone stole it?" Clark asks. "Not exactly," says Lex. By the time he got home, it was resting in his garage, "snug in its car cover." Clark says that's odd, but that he's glad Lex got the car back. Lex says his security thinks it was a joy rider, but Lex isn't so sure. Clark asks what Lex thinks happened. Lex says he doesn't know, but that he knows what it's like to have a friend in need. Lex says that sometimes you have to cross the moral line to aid a friend: "Often it can be the true test of a friendship." Clark is the biggest liar ever. Liar liar! Lex asks Clark to give Bo his regards. We do see Lex walk out of the barn this time. And it's sad.

Kent Farm, daytime. Clark comes in through the front door with a suitcase. MamaKent and Bo come in . "The words 'Home Sweet Home' have never been truer," says Bo. Clark tells Bo that they can get his feet up. Bo is already getting his blood pressure up, saying that he's not an invalid. MamaKent is going to make some lunch: with low-sodium turkey. "Low-sodium turkey?" Bo whines. MamaKent gives him a look, and then he says that's great. Good old goddamned low-sodium turkey. I prepare for Bo to just drop dead on the spot. He invites Clark to come sit with him, and pats a couch cushion. He asks Clark what's been bothering him lately. I thought they already covered this. Clark says that Pete got himself in a bind, and Clark did some things he's not too proud of. Like killing a dude. Bo says that they raised Clark to know the difference between right and being responsible for some guest star's death. He says one day when they're not around, he's sure Clark will remember that. Bo goes on: things aren't always black and white. Sometimes, on this show, they're always fucking pink. Bo says sometimes you have to wander along the gray mile. Clark is confused. Bo admits that he did talk to Clark's biological father, and that maybe it was why his heart gave out. But Bo says he went into the cave knowing there were risks involved. Clark promises never to put Bo in that position again. Bo says that's not what this is about: "You're different than your mother and I [sic]." He says that Clark is going to have to make moral choices in his life that Bo and MamaKent never had to make. They know that when the time comes, Clark will do what he thinks is best and what's right. "That's what's important," Bo says. That and low-sodium fucking turkey.

Outside. Clark shoots some basketball. Pete drives up in an old blue car. "Hey." "Hey." Pete came to apologize. Clark says he's sorry too. "I had to steal from one friend to help another," Clark says. "Someone died," he adds gravely, just as if he were Keanu Reeves. He's still on this shit? God. A lecture from Clark is like getting yelled at for jaywalking by the D.C. Sniper. Pete says that if he'd listened to Clark from the start, none of this would have happened. Pete says that it hasn't always been easy knowing Clark's secret and being his friend. He says that it doesn't give him the right to do what he did. Pete swears it'll never happen again. Clark lets Pete twist in the wind. Pete promises never to disrespect Clark's powers again. Don't you never disrespect my eye ejaculatin'! Clark doesn't look convinced. Pete looks down at the basketball. He smiles and asks if Clark wants to play some hoops. Clark lies for the umpteenth time and says he was about to go inside. Pete steals the ball from Clark and offers a game of 21 by twos, three pointers outside of the crack, no powers. He tosses the ball to Clark. "Not today, Pete," says Clark. He drops the ball and goes inside. We pull back to a bird's-eye view as Clark goes inside and Pete goes to his car. The moral: Clark is a shitty, shitty friend. Hey, what's that tunnel singing over the end of the episode? Oh, my gawd, it's a shitty Ryan Adams cover of Oasis's "Wonderwall." Rebecca walks into the room just long enough to ask why the hell they didn't just use the original song. Because they're idiots, baby. Because they're idiots.