Fatal Attrition

S03E14

By Omar G

What's the cure for what ails Smallville this season? Sex, that's what! Woo! Yeah. I hope it works. Sigh.

Angel is a puppet? Dude, I would pay good Pay-Per-View money to see Smallville starring a bunch of puppets. Seriously. Get on that, Crank Yankers dudes.

We open on a street-level, steam-through-the-street-grate-view of the Luthorcorp building. This must be a different view than the one we're used to, because I don't see a place right in front for Lex to park. We move forward and look up. Yes, the building is quite tall.

Inside, a class from Smallville High's advanced economics class is being greeted by the most magnificent bastard I've missed lately, Papa Luthor. The class is in an open area, and there are lots of windows. It's a pretty building on the inside. "Welcome to Luthorcorp!" says Papa Luthor, reaching his arms out. But the econ teacher doesn't hug him. There must be some mistake, because Clark is in an advanced economics class. Chloe -- wearing some sort of '70s blouse with red flowers against beige (and the lapels, my God, the lapels!) -- looks absolutely bored and eye-rolly while Clark, in a red flannel shirt, just looks out of place. A cute extra in the background tries not to look at the camera. Papa Luthor says they're all there to learn something about business. We cut back to Papa and an admiring older lady (teacher? Lackey?) standing to him. Papa Luthor says that the most important factor in economic theory is the individual. And that individual is the president on the $1,000 bill. Tight shot on a tight hottie. Papa seems to think so, too. He singles her out: "Yes, you!" he says, pointing a gnarly finger at the comely blonde. Chloe rolls her eyes again and scratches her flippy hair. Papa Luthor talks about how rising above the rules and knowing when to break them requires absolute personal commitment. "I consider it a prerequisite for success." That and four hours of P.E. Blondie seems to be taking it all in with total devotion. It is the gospel to her. But not the bloody-Jesus kind of gospel. The lady behind Papa Luthor claps admiringly. The students follow mostly half-heartedly, except for the cute girl. "And I consider it despicable, immoral, and possibly illegal," Chloe snarks to Clark while everyone continues applauding. Papa Luthor busts her, wondering if she has a question. Chloe says nothing. Papa seeks other question-askers, but nobody takes the master's bait.

Papa Luthor hands the class back to "Mr. Simms." The teacher does not say, "They call me Mr. Simms," nor does he reveal a line of bars showing the status of his hunger, bladder, or social needs. Instead, he just asks the group to follow. Papa Luthor tells the teacher lady, "Mrs. Alice," goodbye, and then greets "Miss Sullivan" and "Mr. Kent." He says, "It's nice to see you both looking to the future." Chloe and Clark don't say a word to him. After Papa Luthor exits, Chloe asks if they should break for the fire escape. Clark would be all for it if the field trip didn't count toward their final grade. Grade-grubber! Everybody's waiting for them in the elevator, and nobody seems amused by their nonchalance. Chloe snarks, "Welcome to the Lionel Luthor exhibit; floor, victims, sycophants, and hatchet men." Chloe is really proud of her vocabulary here. Mrs. Alice -- who clearly has the burning thigh sweats for Papa Luthor -- says she's going to split up their jaded little fan club. She leaves Clark out of the elevator. Chloe gives Clark a tiny wave. Also left behind (was she in the bathroom?) is the blonde cutie. (I'm not even that into blondes, so don't look at me like that. For the purposes of the first third of this episode, she's supposed to be hot. I'm just playing along.) Clark presses the elevator button, and the two of them share an awkward silence as they wait. "Elevators," Clark says for no good reason. "Too much demand, not enough supply." Economics humor! Not even Alan Greenspan would have ever used that as a pick-up line. CuteBlonde purses her lips and gives a little nod. The elevator finally arrives. More awkward looks. Clark pushes a button inside to get this thing called life moving.

The elevator ride. They're on the thirty-ninth floor. Oh, I didn't realize they were way up high in the building. I thought they were in the atrium getting ready to go up. My mistake. I guess I was just confused that Clark would be going down and Lex is nowhere to be seen. A loud buzzing noise comes from the elevator panel. Clark pushes "L." We cut to the elevator shaft, where the elevator car has been let loose. Sparks fly. It's falling! CuteBlonde hits the floor with a whimper. The elevator quickly goes from the thirty-second to the twenty-sixth floor. It's falling fast! Clark sees a round thing near the ceiling that we'll later learn is a security camera. His eyes go red, and he fries it with his eyejaculation. It glows red like a reindeer's nose. And, by now, they would have crashed. But I guess time has slowed. CuteBlonde whimpers again. Clark punches through the side of the elevator car and grabs a huge metal pipe. Clark grips this pipe like he's never gripped such a hard, long pipe before. The pipe smokes and glows red with excitement. Clark tightens his grip. I'm suddenly writing bad fan fiction. Shot of Clark with his arm through the hole. What a dirty little farmer's-daughter joke this has become. More sparks and hot glowing pipe. Grip harder, Clark, harder!

By Omar G

The elevator comes to a sudden stop on the nineteenth floor which, judging from how fast it was falling earlier, must mean they fell to the negative-nineteenth floor. CuteBlonde looks at Clark with wonder. She gets up and does a Renée Zellweger line reading of "What did you just do?" Clark asks her not to tell anyone about this. About his talent with pipe, that is. Incidentally, Clark's pipe-handling brings all the boys to the yard and yes, it's better than yours. Someone with a crowbar tries to pry open the elevator door. "Is somebody in there?" yells a person outside the car. Clark and CuteBlonde both look at the door with alarm. CuteBlonde comes over to Clark. She puts her hands on his shoulders. Some cool Predator effect surrounds them, accompanied by green mist. Did she poot? Cut to the elevator car plummeting. We end up looking at the ground-floor elevator doors. The camera shakes to signify that it crashed without actually showing us it did. A green shape appears to the elevator. It morphs into Clark and CuteBlonde. She looks to see if anyone saw them. "What did you just do?" Clark asks. CuteBlonde: "You didn't want to get caught and I wanted to help, so...." Clark stares at her in amazement. That mean woman Mrs. Alice who almost sent them to their death, and the crowd of students, approaches. CuteBlonde tells Clark that now he knows her secret, too. "You can't tell anybody. Please," she says. Clark tells the teacher they're all right. He lies that the elevator crashed right after they got out. Crashed from the ground floor? "It sounded like the cable broke," Clark lies. Lies, lies, lies with that Kent boy! "How did that happen?" Chloe asks. CuteBlonde backs away. Somebody starts jotting notes down, and it's not Chloe. Clark says he's fine. He makes eye contact with CuteBlonde. The camera pulls back on the confusion. We go to the opening credits.

Bo is still passing wind, which is nice since he just had a heart attack. Yay, fiber.

It's snowing in Vancouver, Kansas! People are carrying groceries within view of the high school. It just occurred to me that we've never seen the Smallville grocery store. Even Stars Hollow has a grocery store! CuteBlonde, in her winter clothes, is walking when she's stopped by Clark, who's wearing jeans and a light jacket. He's super-impervious to cold! He says that in the confusion the day before, he didn't get to thank her. Not even on the three-hour bus ride back? She smiles and says it was her pleasure. She says it was a relief to share her ability with someone. I like her smile. It makes me forget about that pink chick. Clark asks in his flirty way if that's what it takes to be friends with her. "I guess I deserved that," she says. That's a constant line on this show. And it's not that great a line. She says out of nowhere that she's not really as stuck-up as people think. She says she knows what people say about her. That she's a CuteBlonde? CuteBlonde says she's always afraid that if people get to know her, they'll figure out she's a freak. Clark has no idea where they're walking. She figures it's better to be alone and thought a snob than to be around people and thought...a slut? I'm not sure if I'm following her logic, exactly.

Clark asks if CuteBlonde's always been able to...to walk in the snow? Yes, it's a talent she's developed since...well, since she was able to walk. CuteBlonde says it was the meteor shower. Isn't it always? She says that one minute she was sitting on the swing set, and the thing, she was in the middle of a cornfield. Ah. Because of the teleporting. I had a visual in my mind of her being flung a great distance, but I guess the teleporting makes a lot more sense. In Bizarro World, world, world! Oh, they're walking toward the school. She says that once she was old enough, she did some research into her condition (can we call it "Stay-in-One-Place-Challenged"?) -- Clark gets the door for her as they talk, and she thanks him -- and that it was complicated and involved quantum physics. "You're probably be bored," she says, taking off her hat and giving Clark a saucy "I dare you not to be bored" look. Clark isn't bored, he just doesn't know what the hell a "Physics" is. Do they sell those like bus passes? Clark leans in a little and sexily says, "Try me." No, really, try him. He's a good ride. "Basically, the meteor shower affected my body and allowed me to teleport myself," she says. That was the boring, complicated quantum physics explanation? "And anything you touch," Clark clarifies. She says yes -- anything she touches and wants to take with her. I thought my TV set was overheating, but it's just their chemistry. Yowza! You go, Clark! (Clark: "Where am I going?") Toothy grins. "What about you?" she asks. "Was it meteor exposure too?" I thought for a second she said "media exposure," and that Clark was damaged by too many flashes of Janet Jackson's boob. Clark sidesteps the question by saying that pretty much everything is connected to the meteor shower, right? "Right," she agrees. Pancakes, anyone? A bell rings. CuteBlonde gushes that she can't believe Clark is like her. Feminine. Pretty. Rosy-cheeked. She backs away as Clark moves toward her. They stare at each other like they really want it. Big goofy Clark grin. CuteBlonde waves bye. Clark is in luuuurve!

Oh. That other girl. Lana is pinky sneaky, using a key to bust her way into Poor Man's Wes Bentley's room. She calls his name, but there's no answer. Lana starts doing the furious search, going into his closet, digging through his books, combing the cupboards. She notices something taped up against the bottom of a shelf. She finds a pretty plain writing notebook with a blue Post-It sticking up from the top. "January 22 -- Lana seems to be growing closer now that I am not being over aggressive." He capitalizes every letter in a sentence and big capitalizes the first letter in every word, and if that's not proof that he's unstable and insane, I don't know what is. "January 24 -- Clark Somehow Is Always Near Whenever Me And Lana Are Together. This Seems To Bother Lana." See? Oh, he's right behind you! "Lana." She gasps. "What are you doing?" he asks. She asks what this is. A notepad? PM'sWB says it's private, and that he wants it back. Lana flips through it. She reads out loud: "January 11th, Lana evasive about her relationship with Clark." Interestingly, the closed captioning says "February 17." "January 17th, Clark is at the scene of another accident." The closed captioning says, "February 18, Lana and Clark share some coffee at The Talon." Why the discrepancy? Lana is mad that PM'sWB has been spying on her and on Clark. PM'sWB is wearing a black coat and some sort of roller-coaster-loop zip-up turtleneck. "Look who's talking," says PM'sWB. Bruce Willis as sperm? Lana says he threatened her, and now she finds he's been keeping tabs on her: "I want you to leave." He stops her as she tries to go, and stares at her coldly. "Guess you haven't checked tenant laws," he says. "It's not that easy to evict someone." He's the worst damn spy that ever lived. How did he lose Lana's trust so badly? Couldn't he have just lied to her and kept her from wanting to throw him out? I thought he was supposed to be smarter than this. "I'm not going anywhere," he says, with Jack Nicholson's borrowed smile. Lana closes the door and frowns. Don't piss off the princess!

High school. The exterior shot looks positively ghost-town. Inside, CuteBlonde is messing with a fiber-optic light thing that looks like it should be in the window at Spencer Gifts. (I really do think the show has an expense tab there.) Behind her? One of those Mad Scientists Electricity balls that I've seen in a past episode. She's wearing goggles and a lab coat. Clark comes up behind her. She takes off her goggles to take in his pretty, pretty countenance. Clark says he's been looking all over for her. "Yeah, you figured teleporting girl, physics lab," she says. Why did she start talking like Joey Lauren Adams? "It makes sense," she says. "That's a pretty good deduction." All right. You can stop now. CuteBlonde warns Clark that she's not always that easy to pin down. That's all right -- Clark always has the boys' wrestling team to fall back on. "So I've seen," says Clark. Coy looks. Clark says that since he's been this lucky so far (and nobody in the episode has died yet), he'd like to "get together." You know, for the econ test. Well, when you say it like that, Clark...sexy! Lots of teeth in that girl's grin as CuteBlonde asks if Clark is asking her out on a date. An econ date. It's dreamy. Macrodreamy. Clark backpedals a bit with the "uh" and the "oh" and the "nice lady!" CuteBlonde has had enough of this shit: "Clark. Would you like to go out on a date with me?" "She sounds like she's five years old," Rebecca tells me. Big, goofy, grinning close-ups. Clark doesn't mind dating this five-year-old.

Clark is still smiling like he's got a remote-controlled sex aid in his pants as he walks down the high-school hallway. The school has suddenly become populated with, you know, like, students. Clark suddenly runs into Lana, who is wearing a pink outfit once worn by Valerie Harper on Rhoda. There's even a pink headband, people. "Did you just win the lotto?" Lana asks. The sex lotto, yes -- why do you ask? Clark goes, "Wh-what?" Lana says she hasn't seen Clark smile like that in a while. Maybe it's because you've extinguished every moment of happiness in his lame life with your ever-present, rose-hued bullshit. Did you ever think about that, Lana? Clark gulps. Lana says she doesn't want to spoil his mood, but that she wanted to tell Clark something about Poor Man's Wes Bentley. She says he's been keeping a journal about her. Who on earth would devote so much writing to little old Lana Lang? I mean, really, who would sit down and write about her every day; the uninteresting things she does, the lame things she says, the walking purgatory that is her life? Oh. This show. I forgot. Lana says that the journal also includes Clark. She says she doesn't know if it's because he's obsessed with them or jealous or.... "If it's more about you." Ah yes. The Gay. I think we all saw that one coming. Clark says he'll go talk to PM'sWB. Lana tells him not to; she says she's going to have him evicted and that he won't be bothering either of them. Lana says she just wanted to give Clark a heads-up. CuteBlonde suddenly pokes her head into the conversation and sweetly says, "See you at 7?" Clark grins heartily until he looks back at Lana. His smile fades. She's the killjoy. Lana looks at CuteBlonde murderously. "Hey Lana," CuteBlonde says as she walks on. Lana keeps a frozen, hard smile on her face as Clark says, "We're in the same econ class." And Clark is about to show her his demand curve. CuteBlonde looks back over her shoulder at Clark as she rounds a corner. Lana fake-grins and walks away without another word. But not off the show for good, unfortunately.

The Barnness of Thank God It's Not Lanatude. Stars. I think I see E.T.'s planet. CuteBlonde -- whom we can now safely call KentFan -- is explaining to Clark (who's looking through his trusty telescope at the sky and not at muscular hired hands this time) that the Greeks said Orion the Hunter is greater in strength and stature than any other mortal. Like Lex, KentFan must have studied the Greeks. Unlike Lex, though, it's not clear if she's actually into Greek. That may be the dirtiest joke I've made in a recap yet. Clark says he thought he was the only one who knew astronomy. Homegirl cannot stop smiling. She puts her hand on Clark's telescope. Yow. She says she's a science geek. "You don't look like one," says Clark. Oh, what do they look like, then, Clark? Fugly? KentFan takes her eye out of Clark's lens and thanks him. Why, oh why, can't Lana have this kind of chemistry with anyone on the show? Seriously, these two look like they're going to be smashing genitals at any moment. Meanwhile, Lana is sitting at home reading Cosmo and not understanding a word of what it means to be any kind of modern-era woman. (Not that you should get that from Cosmo. Just don't get it from Highlights like she does.) KentFan says that she spent the whole movie (movie? There was a movie?) wondering what else Clark can do other than punch through steel. Wow. I think that was dirty. Clark does his aw-shucks routine. She prods him and says she saw him fry the security camera, but that she can't figure out how he did it. "With my eyes," Clark says. "They give off heat." Right now? You bet they do. KentFan says that's incredible. She asks if Clark's ever shown Lana what he can do. The only thing that gets hot around Lana are Clark's feet as his brain tells him to run far away. "No," says Clark. He says it's one of the issues of their "relationship." He didn't feel like he could be completely honest with her. "Like you are with me?" KentFan coos, all baby-voiced. Clark asks if KentFan has any boyfriends, or.... KentFan says there was this one boy and, check it out, she really liked him. Like, really. Then he found out what she could do. And then he realized she could pop in on him anytime he went to the bathroom and he could never, ever feel safe again. She says he totally freaked. "What he thought," Clark says slowly, "doesn't matter." Not to Clark, at least. More Clark smiling. He's a smiler, that one.

Ye olde Kent truck pulls up to a very pretty house that looks like it came right out of a Home Depot catalog. It's lined with holiday lights, as are the trees flanking the driveway. That's a lot of exterior lighting going on there. Alt-strummy-crap-rock plays as Clark and KentFan get out of the truck and go to the front door. Clark totally left his headlights on. Dumb-ass. Clark says it looks like someone stayed up waiting. He hopes KentFan's parents didn't worry. What clued him in? The 20,000 watts of lighting? KentFan says her parents are a little...overprotective. "Really?" asks Clark. KentFan says they don't understand everything about her abilities. Like how to punish her by sending her to her room when she can just pop in and out of it. And what about the time she grew a tail and went after the U.S. president for not granting mutant rights? Yeah, punishment is a bitch. She says that for a while they tried to keep her from teleporting. "How?" Clark asks. KentFan takes a deep breath and says, still with a smile and a laugh, that she doesn't want to talk about it. She asks about Clark's parents. "Well, my parents are great," he says, rubbing it in. He says they worry that someone might find out his secret, but that they haven't tried to change him. "Well, maybe that's why you're so special," she says. Aw, schmoopy! The closed captioning says "Ha ha ha ha." Clearly the closed captioning folks find this whole thing hilarious. KentFan takes an awful long time to say she had a good time tonight. Clark did, too. More passionate looks. This show has more extreme close-ups than The Silence of the Lambs. Clark and KentFan lean in, sweetly and tentatively, for a kiss. Before they can do it, they both scoff a little. Clark grins really big. If you're interested in Clark's teeth, this is your episode. He shakes his head, embarrassed. "I guess...I'll see you later," says KentFan. The strummy alt rock lets us know that they're both "restless tonight." Clark needs blue Kryptonite for his aching balls. KentFan goes inside, but keeps watching Clark through the glass on the door. Clark gives a little wave and goes back to his dead truck battery. He even stumbles cutely down the stairs. He's no Adam Brody, but this scene is certainly more adorable than what we're used to from Clark. The camera moves up the length of the house, creepily. KentFan is now upstairs, presumably in her bedroom, still watching our farmboy go. Big smile.

By Omar G

Commercials. I don't know about you, but I don't think the water in my house gets cold enough to counteract that last scene. Congrats, Smallville. You finally did something sexy.

Hidalgo: The movie for when you're riding through the desert on a horse with no name.

The morning after. From The Love Below. Where are her panties? Clark goes to the kitchen below, and while he's on the stairs, he hears Bo and MamaKent downstairs discussing Clark's rampaging erection. Bo frets that they have rules in this house -- boundaries, limitations, laws about how the Lord will smite you if you "comb your hair" in the bathroom for too long. MamaKent starts to say something, but Clark comes down the stairs his damn self. "She's gone," Clark tells them, chirpily. If I were him, I'd be pissed. Superpissed, even. "Gee, thanks, Dad. Would you mind holding this for a second? It's my virginity. And boy, is it heavy." MamaKent looks angry. She wanted Clark to be with Lana so he'd never have real hot sex in his life. Bo asks what KentFan did, climbed out the window? "Actually, she teleported out," says Clark. Clark just wishes he'd gotten to beam her up first. Bo says that Clark is going to have to run that by him one more time. What part of "teleport" do you not get, dad? Jeez! Clark says that KentFan was infected by the meteor shower. She can transport herself wherever she wants. "Including boys' bedrooms," MamaKent says, snarkily. She even does the squinting thing with her eyes that you do when you want to be extra-snide. So if she can go anywhere, what's KentFan doing in Smallville? Even Bo thinks it's a bit much for KentFan to show up in Clark's room. Clark says that KentFan saved him from a falling elevator. Bo is mad that she saw Clark use his powers. He asks now much she knows. Clark says she knows about the strength, and, um...the heat vision. Oh, and his johnson. She has definitely gone horseback riding on Clark's johnson. That's a kind of one-eyed heat vision, you might say. Bo says that the thing Clark will say is that KentFan knows he gets sick around meteor rocks. "No, I didn't tell her that," Clark says, very proud of himself. MamaKent and Bo exchange a "This chick reminds us of that whore Nasty Nell" look. Clark reasons that KentFan didn't have to help him. She could have just let Clark be...well, not crushed to death, but at least very dusty after that elevator crash. Clark says KentFan exposed her own secret to protect Clark's. He says that's why he feels such a connection to her. See, Clark? All you had to do was surrender the pink and see what else is out there. I'm proud of you, Clark. Let's go get a beer! Clark says that his parents don't get it. He and KentFan are a lot alike, says Clark. Uh oh. KentFan is watching the conversation through a door-crack. MamaKent says Clark really seems to like her. "Maybe I do," says Clark. "I think I found someone I could actually have a relationship with." KentFan looks very pleased with that.

By Omar G

Kent home. Clark is in bed, shirtless. It's a little nipply in here. Clark's bed has a plaid comforter, blue sheets, and red pillowcases. It's about as ugly, fashion-wise, as you can imagine. He rolls over in bed, toward his silver alarm clock. A hand that is not Lex's enters the frame and rubs on his bicep. Clark enjoys it for a second then jumps, all, "HEY!" It's KentFan, looking wicked as Delilah. Her smile -- which used to seem so friendly -- now looks positively shark-like. She didn't want to scare Clark, she says; she just wanted to surprise him. Well, surprise! Instead of grinning like he was before, Clark just looks worried. What will all his gay friends at the gym say? He asks what she's doing there. She's wearing a thin little maroon teddy top. "When you dropped me off, I could tell that you didn't want the night to end," she says, and rubs her hand against Clark's tummy. "And neither did I, so..." she adds. In addition to the maroon top, KentFan's wearing a little pair of pink panties with a flower on the front. Al and Miles are going, "Whoa, Lana never does this!" Maybe they'll have a "Change of Heart" about her. KentFan straddles Clark. Clark goes, "Um." He's never had an all-girl boner before. KentFan starts to grind against him a little, riding Clark. I scramble to make sure I didn't accidentally change the channel and catch a Shannon Tweed movie. "I know you wanted to kiss me, Clark," says KentFan. Clark thinks, "Her skin is almost as soft as Lex's!" Clark is still nervous and looking toward the door. "Just kiss me," she commands. He does. Clark doesn't know where to put his hands. What are these? Hips? And boobs? God, girls' bodies are so weird! KentFan nuzzles Clark's upper lip. I go to the kitchen for a cold drink. My goodness. Clark squeezes KentFan's hip and we can see his nipple in the frame. It must be cold in there. Kissing. Heavy breathing. My cats ask, "Why are you smiling like that?" Clark puts both his arms under KentFan's and does the hands-on-her-shoulders pull-up move. Somewhere in the distance, Lana's vagina is shriveling down to nothing. Bo Duke walks in. "You didn't fall out of --" Uh oh. Thanks for knocking, Dad. Ass. Clark and KentFan stop kissing and look at Bo. KentFan doesn't make a move to get off of Clark's jock. Instead, she just pants a little. "Dad," Clark says. Bo has a Maalox moment as he just stares and stares. "Why does this make me want to go milk the cows for the rest of the night?" he wonders, perplexed.

Clark is confused about his love life. He has all these rampaging hormones and boners and the bedsheets are all akimbo. Who could he possibly ask about love and sex in his life? Oh, yeah. The Lair of Lex. Lex is pouring some liquor. That'll knock the straight out of Clark. Lex throws down: "You're gone on one date with this girl, and already she's sneaking into your bedroom, putting sexy pictures of herself in your locker, and practically asking her parents to book the wedding chapel." Yeah, Lex wouldn't know anything about rushing into a quick wedding. Lex approaches Clark like an angry drill sergeant. "What's your secret, Clark?" Lex asks. Butt piracy? "This isn't funny, Lex," says Clark. Yeah, hussy! Clark says that they barely know each other, and that she's acting like they're soulmates. Isn't that what you were telling your parents the night before, Clark? "In my experience [with you], a person [me] doesn't develop this kind of [gay] fixation unless she's been encouraged [you ass] to think the relationship is more than just [bearded] casual." "You're saying I led her on?" asks Clark. Lex is saying you lead everyone on. Now zip up your pants and get out of my sight, you sexy naïf. "I'm saying I've been there," says Lex. Rebecca tut-tuts as I cackle madly. It's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Sometimes I think lines like this are written just for me. Long pause to let the Gay sink in and get to your bones. Yeah, let that Gay get on in there. Let that Gay work its magic. Gay is this show's Robitussin. Lex says that KentFan is smart and pretty. He hates her. Lex says that Clark tells her things she wants to hear. He wants to know what Clark did to make her feel this way. Yeah, Clark, unbreak Lex's heart! And then do whatever you did to Lex. Just as a demonstration. Clark moves his eyes around, all sexy. "You're making my point for me," says Lex. Would you like to touch his point, Clark? Would you? TOUCH IT! LOVE IT! Get the point, Clark! Clark's eyelids close a little, and it's the Second Gayest Look of the Episode. "So, what do I do now?" Clark asks desperately. He's between a rock hottie and a hard man. We don't wait for Lex's response: complete disrobing.

Instead, Clark knocks on a door. A not-unlike-Nasty Nell-looking woman answers. She's wearing an apron, and says, "You must be Clark. Come in." Teleportation Mom says that her daughter's not home right now. But she could be in like .5 seconds. She introduces Clark to her husband, a bearded bear of a man. Clark looks over and sees that KentFan has a ton of trophies and ribbons on the mantle. Mom says that their daughter has told them so much about Clark, and they're just thrilled. Teleportation Dad looks like his chest is going to burst and splatter tissue on that trophy rack. Mom is glad her daughter is dating such a nice young man. Clark says that's why he's there. He frowns and says he thinks KentFan may have the wrong idea. Strangely, Mom says she thinks Clark is mistaken. She wags a finger at him and says that Clark is her daughter's boyfriend. Clark tries to stop her, but Mom puts her hand on Clark's jacket and says that if KentFan says they're dating, Clark should just go along with it. Where was this Mom when I was dating as a teenager? Mom says her daughter is a "special girl." And she's Different. Dad looks worried. Clark says he knows about their daughter's ability. Clark asks how they stopped her from using it. Mom and Dad exchange a look. Dad says they kept her in a "Special Room." Mom says that KentFan begged them to let her out. Clark turns and uses his X-Ray vision. Ah yes. Special lead-lined room. Dad says they can't control where she goes or what she does. "Please, Clark," Mom implores. "Just try to go along with her." Clark backs away and asks them to let KentFan know he's looking for her. Dad stops Clark at the door and tells him the story of a boy KentFan liked before. He says, "It didn't end well." He advises Clark to be careful. Dad closes the door on Clark. Oh crap! She's standing right to you! Scary music plays. "You shouldn't have said that, Daddy," KentFan tells him. Dad backs away and shits a brick right on the trophy display.

Lana! My sworn enemy. We meet again. Can I go now? Speaking of frothy, foamy heads, Lana is making a cup of cappuccino at The Talon. She tells somebody that she's sorry to bother them, but that she had nowhere else to turn. It's Lex, on the rebound, standing at the bar. Lex says he trusts Lana's instincts (why in God's name would he do that?), and that if she's nervous about Poor Man's Wes Bentley, Lex is sure she has a good reason. Lex asks if there's anything concrete she can tell him. I can tell him that Lana has a quick-dry cement personality. Lana says she wants to throw the guy out based on his journal and his bad attitude. Based on that, half of the Livejournal community would be evicted from its home. Lex says not to worry; he'll take care of it. Lana says she looked into tenant laws, and that it will take up to six months to get him out. He signed a lease? He's paying rent? When did all this happen? Lex smiles, twinkles a little (it grates in a Lana scene), and says there are much faster ways to get rid of someone than that. Poison, for instance.

The Barnness of Perpetual Virginitude. Clark comes upstairs to find some orchids and a glamour shot of KentFan on his desk. It's in a nice silver frame. Clark also finds his Smallville High yearbook open on the desk. A photo of Lana has been scratched to oblivion. Oh, come on, who among us hasn't done that? Here's Lana's yearbook dedications: "Great memories this year spent cramming at the Talon with the gang. [She has a gang?] Thanks CS, CK, PR, LL for always sticking by me! You guys are the best. Can't wait for summer relaxing at Crater Lake, riding through the fields, and of course NO homework! Everyone come visit me at the Talon for some iced coffee and other summer treats! I'll see the rest of you in the fall! Take care everyone!" Well, it's all so clear now. Why would Clark want a sexy, hot-to-trot girl with teleporting abilities when he can have all this? Iced coffee? Hell yeah! Al and Miles, I apologize. I got you guys all wrong. Lana is the way to go here, clearly. All that personality! All those exclamation points! NO homework! Lana rules, y'all! I'm so sorry it took me this long to figure it out. I owe you all mondo pink apologies. I apologize for not being the "OG" that stuck by Lana. Oh, written underneath it was Lana's handwriting: "To Clark. The boy door who became so much more. Xo xo Love, Lana." Clark sighs as he looks at the yearbook carnage. He turns, and there's KentFan, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Hey," she says. Clark asks what's going on. He looks freaked out. She says she got the message from her parents that he wanted to see her. Clark says that wasn't an invitation to redecorate or to go through his stuff. KentFan swishified the loft a bit, putting out candles and organizing. Some people go on TV for this kind of decorating job. Clark should be grateful. She says that the loft is more "us now." Clark asks about the yearbook. "Clark, it's time to move on," says KentFan. Testify! She says she knows Clark used to go out with Lana, but now Clark is with her. Word! Clark says, "There's no 'us.'" KentFan says of course there is. They're special. Little. Yellow. Different. KentFan says she and Clark are made for each other. He didn't tell Lana his secret; he told KentFan. Clark keeps backing away and finally moves forward and pushes past KentFan. "You and I are meant to be together," says KentFan. A cell phone chirps. KentFan answers. "It's my father," she tells Clark. "He's at the hospital." She says he fell down the stairs.

By Omar G

Clark opens his locker. Inside are lots of photos of KentFan in sexy poses, as well as little red heart and star stickers. Did Clark get an A on his spelling quiz or something? Why does Clark have Wite-Out in his locker? Clark shuts his locker suddenly, lest people think something crazy like, "That boy is straight!" When he closes it, KentFan is right behind the locker door, smiling. "Good morning, gorgeous," she says. He really is. Worried, he says they need to talk. Uh oh. Clark is developing Chronic Man Fleeing Disease. He's Mr. Flinchy. Clark mentions the night before, and the pictures in his locker. "Don't you like them?" she purrs. He, he, I, just, er, I, uh.... He says that things might be moving too fast. KentFan walks away a bit and says that Clark told her he had a good time the night before. And he kissed her. True and true. Clark is embarrassed that she's being so loud in the hallway. He takes her aside. He thinks that they need to set some boundaries or limitations. She puts her arms around Clark and gets in his face. "We're special, Clark," she tells him. "People like us don't have boundaries and limitations." Tell that to Professor Xavier. A bell rings. KentFan calls Clark "sweetie" and says she'll see him later. She says she'll be thinking about him. Clark is very worried.

The Torch. Chloe's wearing that same ugly knit scarf from last week. And a pink-striped top she must have borrowed from Lana. Chloe says she's sorry KentFan went "all Glenn Close" on Clark. Oh come on, you're not sorry at all, are you, Chloe? Didn't Clark lead you on, too? Clark tells Chloe he should have told her about the girl's abilities before. The hell? Is he serious? Clark says it was a secret. "Yeah, and I respect you for keeping her confidence," says Chloe. This whole scene is one big wax ball of deceit. Chloe says that once KentFan went psycho, all bets were off. Chloe seems to be enjoying this a little. Clark asks how to look for someone who can disappear in the blink of an eye whenever she wants. KentFan knows how to disappear completely and never be found? Call Radiohead! Chloe says they know she has one weakness: Clark. Oh, that's a weakness everybody has. Clark says she may have one more. Clark has an idea! Hide your Jell-O! Clark says he'll need Chloe's help.

House of Teleportin'. The Mom with the glued-on smile answers the door. It's door-to-door flippy with Chloe Sullivan. Chloe asks to speak with KentFan and says it's urgent. Mom asks what's wrong. Chloe says it's Clark. He's in trouble. Why is Chloe wearing a coat once owned by Chris Robinson of The Black Crowes? "What do you mean?" asks KentFan. She's standing behind her mom. She asks Chloe what's up. Chloe tells her that the sheriff suspects Clark had something to do with her dad's accident. Mom moans. "Mother," says KentFan sharply. Mom backs off. KentFan closes the door and asks why Clark is in trouble. Chloe says that the sheriff is theorizing that Clark lashed out when KentFan's dad wouldn't let Clark and KentFan be together. KentFan asks if Clark is under arrest. Chloe says that Clark is "in hiding," very dramatic, and that he asked for help. Chloe pretends not to understand what's going on, but says Clark told her KentFan was his only chance.

Overly dramatic music and we cut to some sort of industrial complex. KentFan is wearing some black leather boots and a skirt. She'll still always be CuteBlonde to me. She walks down the stairs in this scary, misty place and sets down her bag. She calls out for Clark. Several times. Is this a crayon factory? Clark comes out of hiding. KentFan asks if he's all right. Look, maybe she's wrong and all, but she sure does seem to care about Clark. Am I just a big, dumb male for thinking she's not so bad? Clark says, panicky, that they're after him, and that the sheriff thinks Clark tried to kill KentFan's father. KentFan knows. Clark says she has to tell them the truth. She says she can't do that. She says she and KentFan can just disappear and nobody will ever find them. Sure, why not? It would have been a better fate for Romeo and Juliet. Clark looks back over his shoulder, perhaps at some cue cards. He agrees that maybe that's the only way. KentFan smiles.

By Omar G

Commercials. The bear came down the mountain and ate a S'mores chocolate bar. He's also into human chicks. Again with the bestiality commercials.

Dark back alley, behind The Talon. Lana is taking out the trash. She's still wearing Marla Gibbs's headband. KentFan pops up behind Lana, scaring her. "What is it about you, Lana?" she asks. Yeah! "What is it that Clark Kent is so in love with?" KentFan asks. Or the producers, or The WB, for that matter? This kryptovillain may be the most heroic character on the show since Meteor the Stompy Horse. Kick her ass, KentFan! KentFan asks what Lana has that she doesn't. Lana has no idea what KentFan's talking about. Aloofness is one of those traits everybody seems to love. Lana backs away, but KentFan shows up that way, too. Doesn't this always happen to Lana? KentFan is holding the biggest, fakest knife in the entire Warner Bros. prop inventory. It couldn't cut a fart. She turns the knife this way and that, but there's no way it's going to shine. It's made of plywood. Lana runs. KentFan calmly saunters. Lana runs inside The Talon. KentFan is there! "Tell me, Lana," she says, "what's your secret?" "PINK!!!" Lana wants to scream. KentFan says that Lana's not prettier than KentFan. She turns over a table. She's not smarter. And Lana doesn't have her abilities. She's a close-talker, that one. Lana says that there's nothing between her and Clark. She pushes KentFan off, but KentFan reappears behind Lana. She grabs Lana's hair and puts the knife to her neck. She tells Lana that Clark is still in love with her. She tells Lana that Clark told her the truth about himself. Lana pants. "The things that he wouldn't tell you," adds KentFan, and throws Lana against a steel column. Lana hits it with her mouth and falls over. No visible damage to her face, of course. All that Neutrogena has created an amber-colored force field. KentFan wins! No fatality, though.

The room of red lead. Clark pants and puffs. He struggles and knocks over the open can of paint with his foot, covering the meteor rock with it. The lighting in the room changes, and Clark is all right! Yay with the kicking and the painting! This is like Trading Spaces if it were about death and lead poisoning. Clark gets up and zips the hell out of there.

Talon. KentFan raises her knife. "And now you'll never know," KentFan tells Lana. Now prepare to get a fake knife in the gut! It's going to tickle, at least. Clark zips into the room. He calls KentFan's name. She stops. Clark, in slow motion, hurls the (now-closed) paint can. It flies. KentFan just stands there instead of teleporting. Clark mightily ejaculates with his peepers. The can rips apart in mid-air, sending red paint everywhere. Lana is like, "Hey! My fucking coffee bar!" The one-quart paint can douses KentFan with about ten gallons of paint. She's Carrie! She rubs at her eyes and begins to moan and cry. She falls to her knees. Funky red and green wanna-transport haze effect. "Why, Clark, why?" she asks. Because that's how the show handles character more complex than Action Pink Blahna, beeyotch. The teleportation effect is disconcerting. Clark goes straight to Lana. She wakes up. And just like that, we have no idea what ended up happening to this former CuteBlonde.

Lana at the Kent Farm. Clark answers the door. "Hey!" says Lana. Yeah. Hey. Now go away. She asks to come in. She thanks Clark for...you know, saving her from a big fake prop knife. Clark begins to apologize to Lana for ever getting involved with a hot girl with powers who was ten times more interesting than Lana. Sorry 'bout that. Lana cuts right to the chase: she's mad that Clark told his secrets to KentFan and not to Lana. Clark says nothing at first. Then he shrugs and says, "You know [KentFan] said a lot of crazy things." This, in a nutshell (a cheese-covered one), is why Clark doesn't work for me. He's honest when he doesn't have to be and a total asshat liar to the one person who wouldn't go blabbing his secret to everyone. Not that I like Lana, but she's not a gossip. I have no idea why Clark acts this way, but it's certainly not to win our hearts. And it makes Lana the dumbest, lamest person in TV history. Lana says that KentFan also told her that Clark was still in love with Lana. "But that was crazy too, right?" Lana asks. Clark thinks about that one a little longer. He says, "Right." Lana looks like she may cry. MamaKent comes down the stairs and greets Lana. In the Oedipal sense, Lana's a much better catch for her son than that sexy teleporting tart. MamaKent asks Lana if she'd like to stay for dinner. Lana says thanks, but she can't. She leaves, saying goodbye to MamaKent, but not to Clark. Lana has a betrayed, stricken expression as she walks out the door. Clark stands at the door and closes it as weepy alt-crap plays. "Clark, honey," says MamaKent, "someday you'll find the person who's right for you." Clark turns slowly. That's not going to cure this raging hard-on, is it, mother? Clark says that for the longest time he wanted to be with Lana, but that he could never be honest with her. Then he liked this new girl because she was like him. MamaKent makes things worse by saying there's nobody like Clark. He tells that that maybe that means he'll always be alone. That shuts MamaKent up, but good.

Talon. Upstairs. Lana casually walks into Poor Man's Wes Bentley's room, not at all secretive this time. She doesn't even seem worried or scared. Lex pops up behind Lana. She jumps, of course. He says they told him downstairs that she was up here. How did Lana not notice Lex coming up the stairs right behind her? Lana thanks Lex. She's unburdened now. Lex says he didn't do anything to get rid of PM'sWB. He says that his security people haven't been able to track the guy down. Lana asks where he is, if Lex didn't get rid of him.

By Omar G

Clark leads KentFan down the scary complex. A door is open, and Clark pretends to be scared and that cops have arrived. He leads KentFan to a room. It's entirely red. She sees a can of paint and a brush on the floor. "Lead paint?" she asks. All right, wait just a goddamned minute here. Where did Clark buy lead paint? They don't just sell that shit at Home Depot. In fact, hasn't it been illegal since 1978? So much for logic. Wait, what was I thinking? I'm watching Smallville. KentFan asks if Clark is trying to trap her. If this were Red Shoe Diaries, they'd totally get it on in here and she'd be kinky about the not-being-able-to-teleport. Now that I think of it (and I haven't before, honest), but how cool would teleportation sex be? No more awkward limb-fumbling and tangled sheets! Perhaps I'm reading too much into this scene. KentFan asks if Clark is trying to trap her like her parents did. Maybe he's just trying to kill her with lead-paint cancer. Clark tells KentFan that what she did to her dad was wrong. She counters that Clark just wants her out of the way so that he can be with Lana. God help us, no. Clark tells KentFan she needs help. Maybe she can go to the insane asylum with all of Clark's other buddies. KentFan gets ready to kiss Clark and says she's the one who's right for Clark. Of the ladies, at least. Clark pushes her away. He says the police are on their way. She says that just because she can't teleport out of the room doesn't mean she can't walk out. Ooh, non-teleportation burn. Clark begins to weaken. KentFan pulls out a big hunk of glowing meteor rock from her pocket. Clark falls. Yep, it's just like the fifty other times we've seen it. I'm surprised nobody's started a website on the show telling everyone Clark's weakness. KentFan tells Clark she overheard him telling his parents about his meteor-rock allergy. She hoped not to do this, but Clark "broke the rules first." Clark writhes. KentFan bends down and puts her arms around Clark, cradling him: "Once Lana's out of the way, you'll realize we were meant to be together." I feel the exact same way about the show as a whole. KentFan kisses Clark. Stupidly, he kisses back. He's twitchy. KentFan says they're still meant to be together and are still soulmates. You know, this scene has played out almost exactly like this in my house, only instead of Kryptonite, it's wedding-planning brochures.

By Omar G

Commercials. The bear came down the mountain and ate a S'mores chocolate bar. He's also into human chicks. Again with the bestiality commercials.

By Omar G

Cut to what looks like a dark hospital hallway. Papa Luthor, in his signature trenchcoat, turns on some lights and walks down the hallway. At the end of it, Poor Man's Wes Bentley sits strapped to a severe-looking chair. "Hullo?" he says, weakly. Putting on surgical gloves as he walks, Papa Luthor asks, "Why did I send you to Smallville?" To make us think the dude was Batman? PM'sWB has sores all over his face and neck. Papa Luthor forcibly opens one of PM'sWB's eyes. "To become the best friend of Lana Lang. To find out everything she knew about Clark Kent. Wasn't that it?" Papa Luthor asks. PM'sWB agrees, dazed. Papa Luthor says that, instead, PM'sWB has alienated her completely. Doctor Poonie Tang comes up behind Papa and says that PM'sWB's medicine is ready. Papa says that won't be necessary. "He needs the serum or he'll die," she says, right into the camera. Papa Luthor says he's already made his decision. PM'sWB has some weird metal knobs going into his temples. Papa Luthor says that PM'sWB is no longer a participant in their research program. He takes the serum from a tray and shows it to PM'sWB. "Help me...please," says Poor Man's Wes Bentley. Papa Luthor, magnificent and bastardous, turns and walks off. Tang follows. "No!" screams PM'sWB as they leave. He shakes in his chair. The camera pulls back, like it always does in shots about insane asylums and crazy torture. The lights go of one by one. "No! No! Help me!" screams PM'sWB. "Help me!" one more time, and then we go to black. Ooh, nice and creepy!

week: can it be? A non-filler potential mythology episode? I'm there, dude.