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This week: the episode that'll make you not want to check messages on your PDA/cell phone if you're a whiny princess.

Hey, Allison Mack's been added to the little between-show bumpers! She's lookin' pretty hot there. Hope they don't kill her off any time soon.

We open on a very nice overhead shot of Metropolis at night, as a helicopter flies over and past us. We can see the revolving Daily Planet globe on that building's rooftop (was it flanked by so many taller buildings the last time we saw it?), and we do a flyby as the globe spins. Then, we zoom down and in through a window into the busy Daily Planet newsroom. Ooh, nice flat-panel displays, people. My only complaint with this set-up is that everybody seems to have little dinky inkjet printers to their desks. No, no, no. The newspaper would go out of business just refilling those crappy little ink cartridges every day. Big-ass, 11 x 17-capable networked printers, my friends. You can't have a newsroom without them.

We zoom in on Chloe's desk (she's got a "CHLOE SULLIVAN, COLUMNIST" nameplate that would get her laughed out of most newspapers) and see her GO CROWS mug. Now that one I'll give her. Unique and individualized coffee mugs are used with pride, at least where I work. I still miss my precious jade elephant-shaped mug that I sadly broke in the line of duty. Chloe is packing her shit and getting out. (Mr. Show flashback: Bob Odenkirk starts a phone sex line from his work desk and is told by the unamused female boss, "Get your shit and get out!") Chloe -- wearing a very red blazer and an even louder print shirt under it -- looks at her nameplate sadly. She's gonna miss people being able to recognize her by name when they approach.

Chloe grabs her plastic storage box and starts to walk out. Strapping young editor Max Taylor (who has his own office; nobody in newspapers has their own office until they're forty-five unless they're a fashion/arts editor) asks Chloe if she was going to leave without saying goodbye. He invites her into his office. Except that this show is on The WB, we'll find out later that there's really no reason for this guy to be a hunky young dude. Most newspaper editors look like Michael Jeter or Janet Reno. Seriously. And I'm an editor. ["And a skirt suit looks much better on you than any ever did on Ms. Reno." -- Wing Chun] Max invites Chloe into his office as if he's got Skyy vodka in there. "Blacklisted before I even graduate -- that's got to be a record," says Chloe cheerfully. In the background behind this guy's desk is a Superman-looking Atlas guy holding up the Daily Planet globe in his mighty hands. Young Luke Wilson Editor tells Chloe that he doesn't know who she pissed off, but that she ruffled some feathers. Have you seen her hair? She's does that in the mirror every day. Chloe says she has enemies in high places. Where the mob bosses drown and the Scotch chases Papa's blues away. Way Too Attractive Editor says he'll miss her. Chloe says he'll miss the free proofreader. So she's a columnist slash reporter slash copy editor? And they trust a high-schooler with their copy at a major metro paper? Perhaps I nitpick too much. A more-normal-looking office assistant stands at the door and tells Hunky Editor that his wife has called for the second time, asking about dinner. She doesn't have his direct line? Hunky stalls and says he'll call back. Then he tells Chloe that if there's anything he can ever do...well, he didn't mean it, but Chloe thrusts a yellow 3.5" disc at him anyway and says it contains stories she's been working on. Who even has one of those disc drives anymore? CD-R, Chloe! CD-R! She asks Max to take a look. He tells her he couldn't print her name in the Classifieds right now. Chloe asks if they can use a pseudonym. She writes down the name of her cousin, a girl who's not interested in journalism at all. "Lois Lane?" he asks. Do I even have to explain why a newspaper wouldn't let someone use a fake name in print?

The Meet Cute IT scene. A spinning Luthorcorp logo is on a flat-panel screen. We pan to a Luthorcorp Information Technology sign as Lex walks into Geek Headquarters. They even have one of those Mad Scientist electricity balls you'd find at Spencer Gifts. There are racks and servers and, you know, techy stuff, all over the place. Is that a dongle? Oh, no, that's just Lex. Lex looks around the badly lit, empty place and spins around to find a fairly attractive Jennifer Garner wannabe standing behind him. Lex tells her he was looking for the on-call tech guy. "You found her," she says, arms crossed, all sass. I'm sorry, but even if she is the on-call tech person, she's dressed way too nicely. You gotta get on the floor to fix power strips and dust out old PC cases. It's not a job for nice clothes. Lex is incredulous, just like me. "Would you rather have a PlayStation-addicted dork wearing a Star Wars t-shirt?" she asks rhetorically. I am offended on behalf of myself and on behalf of Glark. You leave us alone, mean lady! ["Dude, much as Glark loves him some Star Wars, even he doesn't have any t-shirts indicating his preference. (Well, no officially licensed ones, anyway." -- Wing Chun] The woman introduces herself as Molly, but by some awful trick of makeup and wardrobe, she'll later look like Lisa Loeb.

Molly asks Lex what his crisis is. Oh, just pick one. Lex says he's trying to finish a presentation ("Why I'm So Goddamn Sexy: A Seminar by and About Lex Luthor"), but his program keeps crashing. He hasn't got time for the pain. "Probably a virus," she says. Dirty! Lex says, "I would assume so." Once you've gotten crabs from some skin boy in Tuscany, something like this is just baby potatoes. The girl who wants to be Jennifer Garner moves her eyebrows and digs through a case of CD-ROMs to find a disc for Lex. Her hair is done up like it's prom night. Ringlets! She stops and seems to act like Lex is checking out her ass. I don't really think he is. Lex says he's only been back to work for a few weeks, but that he's never seen her around. "Back from where?" she asks. Lex says it's a long story. "Oh, i.e. it's none of my business," she surmises. Who says "i.e." out loud? Lisa Loeb, I suppose. She finds the disc for Lex. It's blue. Usually anti-virus discs have red crosses on them and words like, "KILL STOMP MCGILLICUTTY'S ANTI CORRUPTION ED NORTON ANTI-PRO 2004." She says it'll scan for viruses. "Are you a do-it-yourselfer?" she asks, smiling, "or should I do it for you?" Go for the box, Lex, the box! No Whammys! Lex takes the disc and says he can handle it. More eyebrow-cocking from the girl.

Molly goes back to work after Lex leaves. Hey, I see a pretty green computer! It's Chloe's Alienware machine! The woman puts on her Lisa Loeb glasses and immediately loses my interest. She unscrews something from the computer. It's a hard drive. She removes the cable and the desktop image on the screen goes blank. She took out a hard drive while the computer was on? Boy, my inner geek is really coming out in this recap, huh? "Property of Smallville High," reads a label on the hard drive.

Smallville High parking lot. Chloe goes inside and finds Pete in the offices of The Torch. "Welcome to The Torch: Unplugged," he says. Chloe asks what happened to the computers. They're missing. Pete says that Luthorcorp deliverymen stopped in and took the computers back. Chloe moans that they were donated. "Yeah, well, I guess the Grinch changed his mind," says Pete. So few lines for so long have made you a bitter young man, Pete. Pete also says unhelpfully that some girl stopped by but didn't leave a name. Awesome, Pete. See ya week. Maybe. Chloe's not happy.

Chloe walks outside and into the parking lot. A truck in the background skids onto the area in front of the school entrance. It's a red pick-up truck. It revs. It starts to chase Chloe. She runs. The truck busts through a park bench and a trashcan as Chloe tries to outrun it through the parking lot. Run, run, run, chase. Slow-motion Chloe! Chloe slips and falls and the truck runs over her and hits a van with a big Crows logo painted on its side. Chloe seems to have escaped injury by falling at just the right time. She rolls out from under the truck, dazed. Homegirl is scared. The truck door opens. Someone gets out. Chloe looks up to see who it is. It's Clark. "Chloe?" he asks. Close-up on his confused face.

Opening credits. "Hello. I'm Sam Jones III and I need more work. Call my agent."

Commercials. What I Like About You? That you don't watch What I Like About You.

Smallville Medical Center. One Billion Truck Accident Victims Served. It must be attempted murder, because Sheriff Cheshire is on the case. She's in a hospital room with Chloe and Clark. I'm not even freaked out by how dark these hospital rooms are anymore. Clark is submitting to a breathalyzer test. He's not used to anyone but Lex telling him to blow. Clark says the last thing he remembers was that he was at the library. Clark at the library? That's not much of an alibi there, buddy. Cheshire says that Clark is stone sober. Cheshire turns on Chloe and asks if she can shed any light on Clark's story. Chloe's arm is being bandaged up. "You mean the part where I wasn't eating pavement?" she asks. Chloe starts to say something, but stops herself as she looks at Clark. Who wouldn't lie for a face like that? Chloe stutters that it looked like Clark lost control of his truck. Cheshire looks at Clark. Clark looks at the boom mic. "Well, Mr. Kent," says Cheshire, "your family sure has its way of going through vehicles." Ha! Observational comedy. "Chloe?" Clark says, trying to get Chloe to tell the real story. "Is that all you need from Clark?" Chloe asks Cheshire, cutting him off. Chloe would be an excellent bride to someone on trial. Cheshire tells Clark to go on home while she continues questioning Chloe. Clark goes, but gives Chloe a long grateful look from the hospital hallway.

The Talon. Big yellow cup of a high-carb coffee treat. Lots of whipped cream and some poured caramel. "There is a lot going on in that cup," PM'sWB says. Lana tells him it's his first time here, and she's trying to impress him. And kill him. He gives her a thumbs-up. As they take their coffee, Lana tells him that The Talon has been a real refuge for her. "Refuge from what?" he asks. From everything, she says. Wow, Lana, your life is so hard. PM'sWB says it was interesting meeting Clark. Lana takes a long moment to create doubts in PM'sWB's head before saying, "We're just friends." He doesn't believe it. He says that, for friends, Lana and Clark are very uncomfortable around each other. As we all are with Lana. Lana says that she and Clark have a lot of history. PM'sWB saw the way Clark looked at her. Lana says that Clark doesn't know what he wants. Like she does? PM'sWB asks how Lana feels about...things. "Clark will always be a very important part of my life," Lana says. "But whatever there was between us...it's gone." They made it look in the trailer like she was saying this to Clark. Damn, you should have fast-forwarded through this scene, too. MAPP apologizes.

Kent Barn. Clark takes a laptop, a notepad, and a book out of the broken truck and dumps them on a table. Chloe comes in and tells Clark that if he's looking for signs of truck-tampering, he won't find any. The truck is fine; she had a mechanic check it out. Clark says that there has to be some explanation. "As to why you tried to mow me over?" she asks. Clark cocks his head. Clark asks if Chloe didn't tell the sheriff he lost control of the car. Chloe says she was covering for him. Chloe, near tears, says that she knows Clark's upset about the Papa Luthor thing: "Don't you think manslaughter is a little beyond 'Eye for an eye'?" Clark asks if Chloe thinks he was trying to hurt her. "I don't know!" Chloe says. Now she really is close to crying. She says that the way Clark's been acting lately, she can only apologize so many times. Clark says he's had a hard time getting over this; every time he sees her, he imagines her with Papa Luthor. Talking. He says that Chloe's not the same person she used to be. She says it's kind of like going to Metropolis and becoming a motorcycle-riding party animal who tells her to get out of his life. Kinda like that. You go, Chloe! Call him on his shit! Clark can't even apologize. Dickweed. Chloe says that she actually came to see if Clark had figured anything out from the night before. She asks what happened after the library. Clark blanked out. He only remembers working on his laptop. (Clark has a laptop?) Chloe turns on the computer and types, "Search for recent documents." A dialogue comes up showing "General Sherman - backup-.doc" and "Astronomy.com." Chloe must be using Windows TV Show Edition. Chloe recovers Clark's history paper. "That's an interesting take on General Sherman," she says wryly. Apparently, Clark thinks that General Sherman was just depressed, and was being harassed by the media. He was mid-sentence when the typing stopped. Clark looks at an email that was being downloaded before the accident. He has emails from Lex, Lana, Pete, and some people named Megan Poss and Dustin Farrell. He tries to open the last email, from "brainwave@instamail.org," but gets a message that says "EMAIL IS LOCKED. THIS EMAIL CAN NOT BE OPENED." Chloe wonders who "Brainwave" is.

Here's your answer. In a blue-lighted room, our friend Lisa Loeb is to a very nice flat-panel monitor and a machine that has a slot for an entire hard drive to be popped in. She pops a CD-ROM into her computer and sits down to do some damage. She's got a very nice Metropolis loft with hardwood floors.

Smallville High hallway. Lana is showing her new boyfriend around. He teases her about the school's mascot. "Oh, it's a bird!" he says amusingly. Lana defends it by saying it's a small town. Lana goes to get her history book, and asks PM'sWB to wait outside.

Cut to Lisa Loeb typing something on her computer. Does anybody really look good in those narrow cat-lady kind of glasses? Lisa Loeb has Chloe's old list of contacts on her computer, including Clark, Pete, Lana, the Smallville Ledger, Megan Poss, Dustin Farrell, Kimberly Regent, the library, Theron Layne, and David Wilson. Don't ask me who any of those last few folks are. Lisa Loeb sends an email to Lana.

Lana answers her phone/PDA. It's from "Brainwave." The screen suddenly fills with colorful binary code. Zoom in on Lana's eye and into her brain. My God. It's full of green code. And lots of empty space. Lana blinks. Commercials.

Steve Harvey's moustache is denser in population than India.

Chloe walks down the hallway. She stops at a bulletin board. Agh! The Eye of Lana is upon you! Don't look directly at it! She'll make you lame! And she needs a little Visine. In slow motion, Lana drops her PDA and approaches Chloe. Chloe tells Lana she's been looking for her. Lana, frowning, takes Chloe's head and smashes it against the bulletin board. Then she throws Chloe down the stairs. Day-um! This fight is trying really hard to be the fight from the end ofAlias's second season. Chloe, her head busted, cowers. She asks what Lana's doing. "Killing Chloe Sullivan," Lana says, more robotically than usual. Roundhouse KICK! More Chloe falling down stairs. Another kick. An arm swipe. Chloe finally decides to fight back. She clocks Lana straight in the mouth. Will either of them show ugly facial injuries later on? Hey, this is The WB. Lana falls in slow motion. The stunt doubles step in as Chloe smashes Lana into a fire rack, breaking the glass. Lana reaches in and gets a damn axe! Lots of axe-swinging, as students just stand and watch. How come no football jock comes and tackles the shit out of Lana? Chloe dodges axe blows. Then she falls backward into a locker room so that we can see a bunch of skinny chicks in their underwear. Wow, WB, I had you all wrong. More axe-wielding, and Chloe knocks Lana over in a flip. Axe-grabbing. Lana kicks Chloe into a locker. This isn't exactly the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, is it? I'm just glad they didn't make her say, "Heeeeeeeere's LANA!" Chloe gets kicked into the showers, which are of course all spraying. Doesn't this school have separate stalls for girls? One more axe-raising. Suddenly, Poor Man's Wes Bentley is there, grabbing for the axe. Lana kicks him. They fight. He pins her to the wall with his foot. She twists it around, making him flip. Chloe kicks Lana's feet out from under her. Lana falls and hits her head. The beast is fallen. And Lana's got a bloody nose. She comes to her senses. "What happened?" asks wet, bloody Lana.

Four weeks of healing and cosmetic surgery later...Chloe, Clark, Lana, and Poor Man's Wes Bentley are at The Talon. I guess Pete's not invited. Chloe says she can officially rule out paranoia. Somebody's trying to kill her. Why would she want to have coffee with three people, two of whom have just tried to kill her? Chloe -- who has a teeny bandage on her forehead -- is still freaked out. Lana apologizes for, you know, kicking the living shit out of her. Lana can't believe it. She brings Chloe a cold compress. Yeah, that'll help that pesky internal bleeding. Chloe is mad that Lana got them suspended. Hey, you almost got an axe to the head, Chloe. You're lucky there's only one of you right now. Chloe is glad that PM'sWB was there. She asks where he got his moves. Kung Fu? Judo? Justin Timberlake? He shrugs and says he doesn't know. Now Clark's all suspicious. PM'sWB says he's watched a few too many Jackie Chan movies. Like Rumble In The Bronx, the one filmed in Canada. Lana also gives PM'sWB the Suspicious Eye. Clark drinks his coffee and makes a "Mmmm, Colombian!" face. It also puts an idea into his pretty head. He asks if Lana got any weird emails. Lana looks at her PDA, which was somehow recovered in the melee. She got an email, but doesn't remember opening it. It's from brainwave@instamail.org. Clark connects the dots. PM'sWB suggests subliminal messaging. New, from AOL! Chloe says something could have been hidden in the binary code. Numbers, even! Lana asks how she got snapped out of it. Chloe cares more about what triggered the "Kill Chloe" impulse. When a man you've never met before suddenly stops a pink princess from chopping your head off...that's impulse. Clark says "It's Brainwave again," like he's talking about The Joker.

Computer geek time. PM'sWB has hooked up Lana's PDA to a computer and is synchronizing to try to get an IP address from that email. He explains that every computer online has an IP. "You can do that?" Clark asks, as if Stephen Hawking just explained how to resurrect Walt Disney's frozen head. PM'sWB says they'll see. Chloe is still trying to figure out why someone would want to kill her. She asks why she didn't get a message suggesting suicide. PM'sWB is right there with an answer: he says that not even hypnotic messages can override someone's survival instincts. Clark asks if he just picked that information up somewhere. Suddenly, everyone's suspicious of a little knowledge. These are the same people that jump to conclusions about bug boys and shapeshifter villains. PM'sWB says he was in physical rehab for months with nothing to do but read. Looks like he tracked down the IP: it says, "Computer registered to Chloe Sullivan, I.P. address registered to Luthorcorp." Wow, that's a lot of letters for an IP address. "Chloe, the message came from your computer!" Clark explains to illiterates. Lana asks why anyone at Luthorcorp would attack Chloe. Chloe and Clark exchange a look.

The streets of Metropolis. Lex grabs a paper out of a Daily Planet machine (no subscription?) as he explains to Clark, who drove all the way up there (in what truck?) that he doubts his dad would try to kill Chloe. Clark reasons that if he was mean enough to put Lex in a mental institution.... As they cross the street, Lex asks why his father would try to get rid of a high-school reporter in Smallville. Why is the camera at crotch level? Lex asks if this has anything to do with the seven weeks of his life he can't remember. Clark brings up the fact that Papa Luthor asked Lex to fire Chloe's dad. Well, there was more to it than that, but all right. Lex says that was business. He sticks up for his dad, and says that Papa Luthor isn't behind every "nefarious act in Smallville." Just the kinky ones. Lex adds that Papa Luthor would never be that circuitous. Wow. Big word for The WB. Clark says that the emails were sent from Chloe's computer, after it was shipped to Luthorcorp. "Who else would have access?" Clark asks. Lex thinks on that.

Lisa Loeb Lair. I covet her monitor. Her penthouse elevator opens, and a suited man enters the room. He's "Dr. Garner," the Evil Doc from the Ryan episodes. Like Jennifer? Lisa Loeb greets Dr. Garner. She asks how Summerholt is doing. He looks sad as the camera spins around them, showing off the nice Metropolis view. He says that his hospital -- the one that kept little boy Luka hostage a while back -- isn't doing too well. He pulls out a business card and says that a reporter from The Daily Planet stopped by that day. His name was Max Taylor. Wait, the editor went to go do some beat reporting? "About that horrible article that girl wrote?" Lisa Loeb asks. An article that hasn't run yet? Evil Doc says he doesn't know what he'll do if they shut him down. He mentions all the people he's helped, and does the Poor Me speech. "That's never going to happen," says Lisa Loeb. "How can I make them understand?" he asks. "You can't," she replies. "They'll never understand." Is it just me, or did she stop acting somewhere after the first five minutes of this episode? Evil Doc says he's glad he was able to help her. He touches her cheek with a finger in a creepy way. He says that if the reporters have their way, other patients won't be so lucky. Wow, nice couch. Lisa Loeb gives Evil Doc a serious look, and goes back to her computer.