Hereafter

Wow. The midseason slump. It's so predictable, they ought to put it in Bo Duke Farmer's Almanac year.

We open on...The Silence of the Lambs? The hell? The song playing is tinkly wuss alt-rock, so it must be The WB. But the Not-Even-Dave-Matthews-Manly song plays over a jogging trail somewhere in the Pacific Northwest of, uh, Kansas. That guy who sings for Five for Fighting needs to get the damn kazoo out of his mouth. Anyway, instead of Clarice Starling on the jogging trail, we get a scrawny-looking boy in a gray sweatshirt. He's shot jogging in what looks like cold weather from about twenty different angles. That must have been lots of fun to shoot. He approaches a group of color-wheel-opposite Smurfs. Oh, those are just red Smallville High cross-country track suits. I thought it was the Spanish Inquisition. Pete and Lana are leading the pack of cross-country joggers, which is amazing, considering Pete never exercises and Lana just broke her leg in three places. That must be a real shit team. My belief is proven true when Scrawny Cross-Country Boy passes the entire team. Lana shoots him a dagger look, because how dare somebody cut in front of her in life? Wow, fog and huge redwood trees. This totally takes me back to Lawrence, Kansas.

Everybody approaches the Smallville High track, where cheerleaders and football players are practicing. Scrawny Kid watches one of the cheerleaders, a pretty brunette, in slow motion. She cheers. He runs without looking, and you expect him to hit a goal post. Instead, he approaches the waiting cross-country coach. Why do they call it "cross-country" anyway? These kids couldn't make it across a country unless it was Luxembourg. And I think they'd still need a truck to get them past Differdange. The uninterested-looking coach lies that it was a good run. He reminds everyone to "stretch it out." With a magazine, or something. Lana comes up to the coach and cryptically says that she wanted to come by, and that if there's anything she can do.... Coach makes a face like he drank some bad milk, and says there's nothing anyone can do now. "She really loved this time of year," he says. Lana, huffing and puffing, tries to have a facial expression, but shit just doesn't work out.

Cut to the Gatorade table, where a dozen or so cups are laid out, but only Lana is allowed to drink. The scrawny kid joins her for a cup of the thirst-quencher. Lana compliments the kid for being so "focused" out there, and for passing the entire team. She introduces herself. So does the kid. He tells her he just started at the school a few days ago. Who do they have at the school to process all these doomed transfer students? Is it the angel of death? Lana and Scrawny reach for the same little paper cup, and Lana's hand ends up on top of Scrawny's. Suddenly, there's a burning flash, and I hope for a brief second that the bomb dropped on Smallville. No such luck.

We go instead to a white-washed flashback (or as we'll discover later, a flash-forward) showing an old woman with long white hair lying on what's presumably her deathbed. We're watching this from an overhead angle. An old man -- pretty stocky, with completely white hair, and wearing a red sweater -- is at her bedside. The woman closes her eyes. A stone necklace around her neck that might have once been green is now clear. It sparkles in rainbow colors as we pull back from a close-up on her neck. Death be not sparkly.

We return to the present day with oversaturated camera filters showing our scrawny empath looking at Lana with something like disgust. Cut back to regular-motion, non-saturated "reality." "Ya house...it's deca-rated with old people fuh-niture. And ya hair...it's WHITE! Necklace...clear. You'll be cremated and ya body will be on fiya!" Lana's and L'il Dead Zone's hands knock over the paper cup, and it's just water. He apologizes. Lana says there's plenty more where that came from. Especially since it's not Gatorade. L'il Dead Zone walks away without another word. "Hey! Nice job out there today," the coach tells the boy, appearing out of nowhere to scare the crap out of me. Coaches in general scare me a little. They're so...coachy! The coach tells L'il Dead Zone that he had a nice run out there. Coach starts to ask when the kid is going to join the team. He pats him on the shoulder and, oh no, another flash-forward.

This time, the coach is in Oversaturated Film Stock Land. He's got his arms out, Jesus-like, and we watch from overhead as a car plows right the fuck into him. He flies over the roof of the car. It's not a pretty accident. The coach lies face-down on the street, eyes open, body dead.

Cut back to regular time. L'il Dead Zone flinches. "Ya body, it's being FLUNG over the top of a seDAN! And the pavement...it won't feel good." The coach asks if he's all right. He just saw your death; of course he's all right. "A" grades for everyone! For the second time in thirty seconds, L'il Dead Zone does the Troubled Teen Stomp-Off. Homeboy just needs a hug. Preferably one in which no body contact is made.

Later that day, apparently. L'il Dead Zone comes out of the front entrance of the school, followed by one Mr. Clark Kent. Oh, I've seen this guy. He rescues people and sleeps with young billionaires. Clark tells him his "totally overwhelmed look" gave him away. Clark introduces himself as L'il Dead Zone's mentor. Lemme get this straight. Clark can barely keep it together to stay in school -- what with getting arrested, almost running over Chloe and whatnot -- but he's been chosen to mentor the new kid? Where's Principal Asskick to throw down some discipline when we need it? Clark extends his hand for a shake, but L'il Dead Zone doesn't take it. Clark says they were supposed to meet earlier, and asks if something's wrong. L'il Dead Zone says he's trying to get used to so many people. The kid was home-schooled up to now. Clark offers to be a "lifeline." Clark pulls out a map to show L'ilDZ the lay of the land. L'ilDZ cuts Clark off, and asks if he can check with his dad first. His dad -- who looks a little like Kevin Spacey -- has just gotten out of his truck and waves to them. He goes over to his dad, and the two of them look like they just ate a box of grim cookies. Dead Zone Dad asks if it happened again. He tells his son that he didn't think this whole "going to school" thing was such a hot idea. He thinks it's a mistake.

Just then, L'il Dead Zone sees the coach walking across the front of the school, and says to himself, "No, not today." A speeding car has just rounded a corner and is making a beeline for Nearly Dead Coach. "Don't be today," L'il Dead Zone says, as his dad tries to stop him from interfering. The coach, looking sad, walks out onto the road. He puts his arms out as the car approaches. Clark, in front of everyone, superzips to the road and tackles the coach out of the way. No one seems to notice or care. Clark asks the tackled coach if he's all right. "Why did you stop me?" the coach yells. Go do ten laps, Clark! The coach wails, "I just wanted to be with my little girl!" He says that his daughter is dead, and it's his fault. So...this episode is going to be lots of laughs, right? Right? L'il Dead Zone rushes over. He and Clark exchange a "What the fuck?" look. Indeed. Opening credits.

Hi, I'm the fake-looking explosion with Lana getting propelled by a fireball that doesn't even singe a hair on her head. Would you mind cutting me out before season? Thanks. I knew you'd understand.

What is it with commercials about amorous animals wanting to get it on with people lately? First of all, we flatter ourselves if we think that monkeys and dogs all want to have sex with us humans. We're not all that. Secondly, I think the advertising industry is harboring some serious bestiality freaks. I bet that's where those internet horse videos originated.

Smallville Medical Center. Where the elite retreat to beat broken feet without Pete. Lana is walking down the hallway with a female friend; they've apparently swapped clothes, because the girl is wearing a pink sweater, and Lana's got a blue jacket on. Lana tells her cheerleader friend to find out if the coach can have visitors. She spots Clark sitting in the waiting room. Lana and Clark talking in the hospital? I never saw a scene like this coming. Lana asks how the coach is doing. Clark says he's pretty heavily sedated, and that they want to keep him there to do a full psych evaluation. Clark says he didn't know Lana and the other girl knew the coach so well. Lana says that they were on the cheerleading squad with Coach's daughter. She says the coach was never the same after his daughter was killed. Clark remembers that she was hit by a car. Lana says that it happened when the girl was walking home from rehearsals. Lana says that Coach Suicide hoped for a miracle. "It sounds like that never came," Clark says. Oh my, super powers of perception there. There was no chance for recovery, and a month ago, the coach pulled the life support. Clark says he wouldn't wish that decision on anyone. Sometimes Clark has to put a cow out of its misery and it's just like that, only without the little girl, the cheerleading team, or the sedan. Clark mists up a bit, and says it's hard when you blame yourself for everything. Now he's talking about himself and not about the coach at all. Stop it, Clark. Lana excuses herself from this self-pitying bullshit. Clark tries to look brave. Brave! It's not so easy when he's not blind.

Cheerleader Girl is standing beside Coach Suicide's bed. She's crying. She says that if she could change anything about that night, she would. She'd warn Justin, or tell the costume designer to sew the red lingerie in tighter, or she'd tell the CBS cameraman to cut away sooner. She says she doesn't remember why she and coach's daughter were fighting. Lana stands at the doorway and tells Cheerleader Girl, "Don't do this." Self-pitying is Lana's monopoly on this show, and you're on her turf, bitch. Cheerleader Girl says that the daughter left that night because she and Coach's daughter got into a fight. Cheerleader Girl and Lana both wish they had gone after the girl but, as Lana says, neither of them knew what was going to happen. It's not like one of them has a green necklace with magical powers or anything. Cheerleader Girl says she should have at least told the coach. Lana says he's under sedation. Sadly, he was just reciting the lyrics to a Ramones song and they misunderstood his request. If Cheerleader Girl keeps making that scrunchy face, it's going to freeze like that. "I'm so sorry," she whines pitifully to the sleeping coach. Lana casts a long glance back in the doorway as they leave. I'm pretty sure having Lana in your hospital room is like feeling a goose step over your grave. A pink goose. The sweaty coach opens his eyes. He was awake the whole time! Dumb broads!

Smallville High. Lots of extras mill about. L'il Dead Zone is coming down the stairs, trying really hard not to bump into anyone. It's not easy. Someone puts a hand on his shoulder. We flash onto a billowing CGI shiny red cape with the Superman logo on it, flapping in some sort of beautiful flying cosmos thing toward earth. In the distance, a shining bright light with lots of halos. It's the Gayest Flight of the Episode. And that cape is FABulous! "Ya cape...it's FLOWING...and ya floating...floating in a most'a peculiar WAY!" L'il Dead Zone retreats from his cringe, like, "Hey, that cheese wasn't so bad. May I have another sample?" It's Clark. Touching. Clark apologizes for dropping the mentor ball the day before. He promises to give L'il Dead Zone two big mentor balls later to make up for it. L'ilDZ says that the coach was lucky Clark was there that day. L'ilDZ just wishes his dad hadn't seen it. Clark fibs that the school is rarely that exciting. Why must you turn your alma mater into a house of lies, Clark? Clark says his parents wrote the book on being overprotective. That's why you have your own Big Gay Disco Barn, right, Clark? Clark moves to put his hand on L'ilDZ's shoulder, but the kid backs away and says he doesn't really like to be touched. Show us on the doll where the bad Death touched you, L'il. Clark says, "Fair enough." A student bumps into L'il Dead Zone, and things flash orange for a second as he cringes. "Ya part on the show...it'll be SMALL!" It happens again with a girl who looks like There's Something About Mary who comes up from behind. "Ya hair... It has SPERM! A sticky substance...Ben Stiller baby battah." "What?" L'il Dead Zone asks. Clark looks at him with concern, but stops short of offering some Midol. He says that the kid had that same look before the coach was almost hit by the car. Clark says it's like he knew something was going to happen. L'il Dead Zone needs some air. Clark watches him avoid people as he goes.

Night at The Talon. Lana is closing up shop as her employees leave. The truant officer has long given up on her. Lana suddenly hears some tortured, muffled screaming. Something crashes upstairs. The Tinkly Music of Concern plays. Lana goes upstairs to investigate the clatter and what might be the matter. Poor Man's Wes Bentley, in bed and shirtless, is thrashing and screaming. Maybe it's a Poltergeist! Lana asks if he's all right. I think he's pretty fucking far from all right. He knocks over a lamp. Lana commands him to wake up. He kicks Lana in the stomach, picking up where Meteor the Stompy Horse left off. PM'sWB suddenly wakes up, sweaty and huffing and puffing. The sweat budget for this episode is fantastic. Lana winces. PM'sWB asks what happened, and if she's all right. She says she's fine, and that he was having a king-sized nightmare. He was the King of Town, and he was eating pillows he thought were marshmallows! He splashes some water on his face. Lana asks if he wants to talk about it. He says he doesn't, really. He promises to put some clothes on and clean up the mess. Lana is traumatized by Boy Nipples.

The Torch. Clark is printing something out as Pete and Chloe come in. Pete says they've been looking all over for him. They tried the foam-party disco, the Pottery Barn in Metropolis, Alfredo's Salon. Who knew he'd be at the Torch office? Pete and Chloe look thrilled. Pete asks who gets to do the honors. They've got gossip about Lana's houseguest, and ask if Clark wants to hear it. "Actually, no," he says. He says it's none of his business. Clark says that he and Lana "reset [their] relationship to the friendship level." Did you need to do a defrag after that? He says he's not going to blow it by getting between her and PM'sWB. "Wow," Pete says. "Clark's taking one for the team." The...what? What team? What are you talking about, Pete? You know what? No more lines for you. Go home. Clark says he's an Adam-Free Zone. On the other hand, he's got a special Loading Zone reserved for Lex. Chloe asks what's on the agenda. Clark hunches down, narrows his eyes, and asks what they know about the new kid. Clark doesn't mind destroying his relationship with his mentee. "Mr. Pathologically Afraid of Human Contact?" Pete asks. I thought I told your ass to go home. Clark says he knows this sounds crazy (It's Season 3, Clark, just fucking spill it already), but he thinks L'il Dead Zone had a premonition about the coach. Chloe asks what made Clark take that leap. A rolling donut. Clark says it's a gut feeling. Pete suggests maybe that's what the kid had. Pete! Home! Chloe says that some people believe premonitions are just heightened intuition. Like my premonition that this episode is going to be a pain in the ass to recap. Just call it my heightened intuition. Pete says some more stuff, but in my mind, he's not even there. Chloe says that, given Clark's Wall of Weird history, they should still investigate. Clark looks grateful. Chloe says it's kinda fun being "Woodward to [his] Bernstein again." When was Clark ever Bernstein? He's not even a Berenstain Bear. Clark smiles. He thinks she's talking about ice-cream guys.

Lair of Lex. Lana knocks on the door and lets herself in. Lana's responding to an important message from Lex. She asks if something's wrong. He says he heard there was an incident at The Talon the night before. Lex's ears glow orange from the light behind him. Lex says that some neighbors heard Lana's tenant screaming. Who even lives on the block? It's not residential. Lana says that "incident" is a pretty strong word. She says her tenant just had a bad dream. Lex says it's not the first time, and that he can read an invoice. There are charges for broken windows, replacing furniture...Lex asks if there's something Lana isn't telling him. He says that Poor Man's Wes Bentley's behavior is unusual. He comes up close: "When you're on the rebound, it's easy to allow your emotions to outweigh your common sense." Oh, it doesn't just take a rebound for that when it comes to Lana. Lana says it's not personal: the dude has been a help at The Talon, and putting up with nightmares is a small price to pay. Lex says it's her call, but he pulls out the "you have to ask yourself" dialogue card to warn her that she really doesn't know much about her new friend.

High-school hallway. Chloe makes strange facial expressions as she walks into what looks like a metal shop class. She sees Poor Man's Wes Bentley hunched over. He gets up, throws something in the trash, rolls down his shirt sleeve, and walks out of the room through another exit, looking dazed. Chloe comes over to see what he was doing. She uses a cloth to fish a hypodermic needle out of the trash. "Whoa," she says. He stole Jack Bauer's drug habit!

Torch. Chloe takes off her jacket and tells Clark that she just had a "Mega Real World moment" with Poor Man's Wes Bentley. She stops herself from telling the story when Clark scowls. Clark says he found something: he's got a news story pulled up from The Ledger about L'il Dead Zone (pictured with his dad) screaming his head off at a carnival and predicting that a woman standing in line with him was going to die on a roller coaster. The news story has the phrases "meteor shower" and "went ballistic." Chloe did some courthouse research and found out that the kid was born on the day of the meteor shower (which is also in The Ledger story, but I guess she didn't read that far). Clark says that according to Chloe's documents, the kid's mother died the day he was born. Um, that was also in the Ledger story right on the screen. Did Clark not read it either? Clark says she died from a direct hit from a meteor. "As one life ends, another begins," Chloe says smugly. Or as they say in the baking industry, "Gotta make the pancakes." Clark says that must be the connection: "Mix that with the meteor rocks, and you could be entering John Edward territory." North Carolina? Chloe and Clark notice some scuffling outside the door. People are rushing to get outside. "This can't be good," Chloe says. They hear yelling. Clark says it's L'il Dead Zone.

Outside, L'il Dead Zone is pleading with Cheerleader Girl, who is near tears and trying to get away from him. He yells that he's trying to help her. Clark approaches. As a crowd watches, L'ilDZ begs to walk Cheerleader Girl home. "You don't understand! It's not what you think!" he screams. I totally used to ask girls out just like this. "Leave me alone!" she screams back. Clark asks what's going on. L'ilDZ says he has to help her. Clark asks what's going to happen to her. "She's going to die, Clark!" he whines. He repeats it, and chases after the girl, running across the field. Clark looks after him thinking, "Poor, luckless bastard."

Commercials. Reba's still on the air?

We return to L'il Dead Zone running across the Smallville High track. Clark superzips behind him to catch up. "My father was right, Clark!" he bitches. "This was a mistake." L'ilDZ says he should have never come to the school. Clark tells the kid that he believes him. After all that, L'ilDZ denies that he saw Cheerleader Girl's forthcoming death. "I know about the roller coaster," Clark says. Clark asks what he saw when he touched Cheerleader Girl. "I saw fire..." he says. Fiya! In ya HOUSE! He saw smoke. She was screaming and couldn't breathe. He says he had to warn her. Clark says maybe they still can.

Cut to the two of them walking along without a care in the world. Clark says that Cheerleader Girl's house is around the corner. "These visions -- when they hit, what are they like?" Clark asks. L'il Dead Zone says it's like a curtain is being pulled back just long enough to see the moment the person dies. Clark asks if L'ilDZ has ever been able to stop the visions from coming true. He hasn't -- he and his dad would call police and paramedics, but nobody took them seriously. He says that people have always died, except for when Clark saved the coach. "How did you do it?" L'ilDZ asks Clark. He says he had a vision of Clark in the hallway. Naked. Wanting. But the other vision showed that Clark doesn't have an end like other people. "It's like you live forever," he tells Clark. Clark tries to laugh it off. L'il Dead Zone thinks Clark is different, and thinks he can stop Cheerleader Girl's death. They arrive at a house, where upset people are talking to Sheriff Cheshire. "Mr. Kent," she says when she sees them, "why am I not surprised?" The sheriff says they just found Cheerleader Girl's car abandoned off the highway. Wait, didn't she just leave the school, like, five minutes ago? She drove home? Didn't the kid want to walk her there? Is this a whole other show we're watching now? Wow, Smallville. Fucked again. Cheshire says that there were signs of a struggle. With the script, maybe. She asks if he's L'il Dead Zone. She says she heard he got into an argument with the girl that day. Clark says he was there and it wasn't a big deal. Just some "you're going to die!" warnings is all. The sheriff says she has a missing girl. That makes everything a big deal. She's been missing for almost twenty minutes! You heartless bastard! "We better talk," she tells L'il Dead Zone.

Later at The Talon. Chloe has just shown up. Lana asks if it's not a little early for her second triple cap. Chloe ignores that, and says she came to talk to Lana about something. She asks if Poor Man's Wes Bentley is around. Lana hasn't seen him. Chloe says she's having one of those "it sucks to a reporter days." She starts to tell Lana what she saw, but it's clearly not easy. We cut away before she tells Lana about the big drug deal.

Lex's office. Nice piano music is playing. The player is PM'sWB on a big black grand. It's got pretty flowers on it. "They say music hath charms to soothe the savage breast," Lex says as he walks in. He said "breast!" Lex is 2 and 0 on the Luring Young Boys to His Crib scoreboard. "Don't count on it," says PM'sWB cryptically. PM'sWB asks if Lex plays. Lex says he never really had the patience for it. As he keeps playing, PM'sWB says his parents would have killed for a piano like this. He stops. He says he ended up learning on a second-hand junker. "Doesn't seem to have hurt your playing," Lex says. Lex is actually a virtuoso on the skin flute. Lex says that was one of Rachmaninov's most complicated pieces. PM'sWB says that Lex didn't ask him there to discuss music theory. Lustily, Lex says, "No." Wow. That was the Gayest Look of the Entire Damn Season, I think. That made me want to go out and buy the Queer Eye soundtrack. Lex looks down at homeboy's crotch and says he thought they should meet. Just Lex and the crotch. PM'sWB says that if it's about the lamp, he'll replace it. Lex says that it's his behavior that's concerning him. "Lana's a friend," says Lex. PM'sWB says that they both care about Lana. Lex slides him a file across the piano top. Lex says it's PM'sWB "colorful past." PM'sWB says they're his school records, and are supposed to be sealed. Lex says they're exemplary. Straight "A"s. Lex says he spoke to the dude's teachers (whoa, scary stalker Lex!), and they all used the phrases "a fine pupil" and "a joy to teach." Lex says it's strange that they all said it, word for word almost as if they were told what to say. PM'sWB and Lex exchange lusty looks. Lex threatens to keep checking for black marks in PM'sWB's past. This is the part where I expect PM'sWB to fly into a rage and to tell Lex to go fuck himself. It doesn't happen.

Instead, we cut to a big blue truck approaching Cheerleader Girl's house. Dead Zone Dad pulls up and says he's been looking for his boy. How much damn time has passed here? L'il says he had another vision, and thought he could help. He tells his dad Clark knows. The dad tells the boy to wait for him in the truck. Dead Zone Dad tries to walk past Clark, but Clark tells him that his son is trying hard at school and maybe deserves another chance. The dad says he appreciates what Clark has done, but that his son is...special. He says that if L'il Dead Zone is home, at least Dad can protect him. He looks back toward the truck, but his son is gone. He yells after him, but the kid has disappeared.

Lana's locker. She's got flyers for the Talon, pictures of crows, a CD taped to the door...wow, what must it be like to get a glimpse into the mind of pink madness? PM'sWB comes down the hall and says he got her message. In case she didn't notice, he says, school's out. She says she was at The Torch doing some research. She has a question. She says somebody found his needle in the trash that day that he threw away. "Technically, that's not a question," he smart-asses. Lana asks if he's diabetic or on some sort of medication. Yeah, he's heroin-deficient. He asks if that was the research she was doing. He says that diabetics are supposed to leave their needles with the school nurse. Lana says seriously that she's not trying to accuse him of anything. He spins it around so it's about her not trusting him and thinking he's a druggie. Well, dude...you sure act like one. Lana follows PM'sWB as he tries to walk off. She says she's trying to be honest with him. He tells her that if she's not sure, she should just say the word and he'll leave. Am I supposed to hate him here? Because Lana's still got him beat by about ten miles in the Unlikable Character race.

In another school hallway. L'il Dead Zone is walking along and accidentally bumps into PM'sWB as he rounds a corner. He has an orange flash. "Ya eyebrows...they're on...fiya!" L'il Dead Zone looks at PM'sWB with something like awe. PM'sWB leaves. Lana asks if he's all right. She asks what he's doing there. He says he's hiding from his dad, who wants to pull him out of school. Lana says that running away isn't the answer. She puts a hand on his shoulder, and he orange-flashes. Lana...she's on...fiya! She's in some sort of warehouse, and there are photos of cheerleaders burning. A sign of a lot for sale is burning, too. Lana isn't an old woman here. A shrine to a girl is in the flames. Screaming. Explosion. "Ya second act plot twist...it's...fiya!" L'il Dead Zone rubs his head. "It's changed...." he whispers. Lana asks what's up. He tells her not to leave. He can't explain, but something awful is going to happen. He says they have to find Clark. Suddenly, a faceless, gloved figure punches him out. The glove rubs a cloth over Lana's mouth as she struggles. She falls unconscious as dramatic strings play.

Commercials. The Perfect Score. I give it this perfect score: Zero.

The Talon. The marquee reads "Live Music Tonight." Wanna be a little more specific? Inside, music is indeed thumping. A knock on a door. It's Poor Man's Wes Bentley's room upstairs. Chloe knocked, and when there was no answer she just let herself in. She's even got a flashlight equipped. She pokes around. The guy's done a nice job decorating in such a short time. Chloe looks under his bed. She finds a vial with some clear liquid in it. "Last time I heard, breaking and entering was still against the law." It's Lex, God love him. Chloe says she could say the same thing to him. Dumb-ass. Lex says he owns the place. Chloe holds the vial behind her back. Lex says he takes it she has concerns about Lana's new friend. Chloe asks what made Lex go all "cloak and dagger." "Rachmaninov," Lex says. The closed caption spells it wrong. Again. Lex says that when PM'sWB was playing the piece earlier, he had no CD, sheet music, or radio. Lex hands Chloe a photo slide that he found lying around. We don't find out what it is. Lex says that according to PM'sWB transcript, he never took a single music class. Chloe notes that with his computer, music, and fighting skills, he's a Renaissance man. Lex says it's not a crime. "But it certainly piqued your interest," Chloe says. Ha. Chloe's got Gaydar. Lex tells her slyly to lock up on her way out. Because the door was unlocked when she got there. Chloe digs the vial back out of purse, which she'd pocketed. She stands there staring at it, waiting to get caught.

The Barnness of Mentortude. Clark is digging in a tool box. Bo Duke comes in and tells Clark that he's been looking for L'il Dead Zone all night, and that it's time to give it a rest. Clark's mad at himself for putting the kid on the sheriff's radar. Bo says it's not Clark's fault. You know what they say -- you can lead a kid with death visions to the sheriff, but you can't make him stay on the show past just the one episode. I think that's what they say. Clark says that the kid was a lot better off before he met Clark. Bo says that if the kid ran away, it's because he didn't have anyone to talk to at home. That's why Clark ran away to Metropolis, right Bo? Clark says that Dead Zone Dad seemed like a good man. A little Kevin Spacey, but good. Bo says he's sure the guy is, and that he probably just wants to protect his son. Bo says that when your son has a gift, your first temptation is to hide him away and shelter him from everyone. In a tiny cage. With ferrets. Clark says that Bo never did that. "I sure as hell wanted to," Bo says. Language! He tells Clark that MamaKent convinced him that Clark needed to see the whole world, not just the inside of a cow's birth canal. Bo says that ultimately she was right. How does Bo know how things will ultimately turn out? Bo says that L'il Dead Zone will come back, but not until he's good and ready. And quite dead. Bo tells Clark to come inside and grab a bite to eat. Clark says he'll be there in a second. He wanders back to the tool box and gets his backpack.

L'il Dead Zone suddenly appears, frantic. He tells Clark that Lana was kidnapped. He doesn't know who took her. He had another vision of Lana. A pink, crappy, constant and reverberating vision that will never go away no matter how much we want it to. "What do you mean 'another?' " Clark asks. L'il Dead Zone says that the vision he had before showed Lana being peaceful and dying when it was her time. Clark asks if that's changed. L'il Dead Zone says that Lana was trapped in a fire, just like Cheerleader Girl. Clark tells L'ilDZ to calm down, and asks what else he saw. "Stuff," says L'ilDZ. Oh, gee, great. Let's Google that. "On the floor...photos burning." "Fiya?" I ask. L'ilDZ says that the two girls were in photos from when they were younger, in cheerleading outfits. I know that website! I mean...I don't know of a website like that! Clark hunts in his backpack. He pulls out a newspaper. "It this the girl?" Clark asks. It's an obit of the coach's daughter. L'il Dead Zone cries when he sees it. "When I saved him, I changed everything, even what's supposed to happen to Lana," Clark says. You go, hero! More clues from L'il Dead Zone's brain include an old sign inside: "Wandering Hills." Clark knows where that is. He starts to head out. L'il Dead Zone wants to go. Clark refuses. L'ilDZ says he can help find the house, since he knows what it looks like. Meanwhile, the girls are dying, and Clark needs to superzip his ass out of here. He tells the kid that, at the first sign of trouble, he has to back out. The strings play furiously.

Death Barn. Lana and the Cheerleader Girl are tied to posts. Is this the same barn where Louise got hot and heavy with Clark's dad? Lana asks Coach Suicide what he's doing. Cheerleader Girl says that he doesn't have to do this. He takes a gasoline can and starts pouring it around, and tells them they're going to pay for what they did to his daughter. Lana asks what he's talking about. He heard them at the hospital. Oops! He tells them that they should have been looking out for his daughter. Lana says they didn't cause the accident. Well, I'm not picky. He can kill you anyway. He tells them that his little girl was out alone because of them. Cheerleader Girl is looking really sooty. She's a hell of a crier. "It wasn't our fault!" she wails. Coach Suicide pours the gas as he gets mad for blaming himself all this time. Lana says this is not the way. Shut up, Lana. "You two killed her," Coach says. See? Coaches are scary. Coach turns on his lighter. He tosses it. "No!" the girls scream. In slow motion, the altar to his daughter is aflame. Coach kneels. Slow-motion screaming and struggling. Artsy shot of the coach looking at the flames. The camera pans across the photos. Lana winces. Outside shot of the barn-looking house on fiya.

Clark and L'il Dead Zone pull up in the newly repaired red truck. When did Clark figure out that he could drive without wearing his glasses? Clark tells L'ilDZ to stay in the car. L'ilDZ doesn't want to. Clark busts open the house door and sees the girls inside. He says, "Lana?" instead of trying to help her. Lana tells Clark to save Cheerleader Girl. The Coach puts a hand on Clark. Clark tosses him aside. L'il Dead Zone comes in. He tells Clark he'll get Cheerleader Girl. Clark had already forgotten all about her. The two free the girls of their ropes. The coach screams about just wanting to be with his daughter. Clark helps Lana up. Clark yells for the coach to get out of there. Clark rushes out with the girls while L'il Dead Zone stays behind, for no reason. Oh, here's the reason: Coach has to touch him so that they can do a cool orange flash-forward that's actually flashing to the present time when the coach is about to die. Nicely done. Lots of orange flashing. "You! It's all your fault!" the coach yells.

Outside, Clark asks where L'il Dead Zone went. Yeah, nice X-Ray vision there, ass. Clark runs back inside the house toward the flames, as the girls run off. Nobody tells Clark shit. Clark goes inside, finds L'ilDZ, and puts him over his shoulders. He yells for the coach. The coach doesn't want to be found. Clark runs out in slow motion, carrying the boy. (At normal slow motion, not superzip slow motion.) Clark and the boy fall just as the house explodes. Clark sorta shields L'il Dead Zone. Much house-exploding. Gotta justify that pyrotechnics budget. The fire engulfs Clark but, you know, no biggie. Clark gets up and sees that L'ilDZ isn't breathing. He takes a pulse. The girls finally come over. Oh, is Win a Date With Tad Hamilton! over? Glad you could make it. Clark does chest compressions. "You can't die on me!" Clark cheeses. The boy wakes up and coughs. Clark tells him he's all right. They hold hands. No orange visions. "You're going to be okay," Clark tells him. I'm not. I need a drink.

Commercials. Cordelia is back on Angel! I didn't even know she left!

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is on his laptop in his office. Lana shows up. He puts the laptop screen down and asks how she's doing. Lana: "Between the fire and my leg, I've seen enough hospitals to last a lifetime." Oh, like I haven't? I've had to recap all that shit. No more hospital scenes, Smallville writers. Seriously. Do it for me. Lana tells Lex she thinks he was right to take a closer look at Poor Man's Wes Bentley's past. She says that Chloe saw him using some drugs at school. She says he almost lost it when confronted with that. Lex says he's had people assume the worst about him all his life. He says it's tough to respond when people jump to the wrong conclusions. Uh...wuh? Sex changes everything, I guess. Lana is perplexed by this sudden change in attitude, too. Lex says it's not his choice to make whether Lana kicks him out or not. He says he's been asking some questions. PM'sWB hasn't been healing as well as his doctors had hoped, and he's on a clinical-medical trial testing a new drug. Treatment for what? Why don't we know what's supposed to be wrong with the guy? Lana says that would explain the needle, but not why he was hiding it. Lex says nothing. Lana says she's wondering who she let into her life. "You should trust your instincts," Lex tells her. Lana thanks him. For not much of anything, really. Lana leaves. When she does, we pan down to show what was on Lex's screen: PM'sWB confidential file, chock full of information that we're not privy to. Lex stares at it. Mmmm porny.

The Guest Star Formerly Known as L'il Dead Zone's cute little house. He and Clark arrive. Clark promises that the second week at school will be easier. TGSFKaL'ilDZ says that the paramedics told him that without Clark's CPR, he'd have been a goner. If he was cuter, Clark would have given him mouth-to-mouth. "I saw her, Clark," the boy says suddenly. What now? He says he saw his mother in that moment before Clark pulled him back: "She was beautiful." Uh, all right, kid. We gotta go now. Clark tells the boy that maybe it just wasn't his time. He says that when woke up, his visions were gone. He wonders if he was destined to lose them when he met Clark. Meanwhile, Lana has let herself into the house. She's got the run of the town, apparently. She says she brought TGSFKaL'ilDZ's homework. Thanks, Lana. You suck. Clark says he gets the feeling he's been replaced as a mentor. You should have done the mouth-to-mouth, Clark. Lana says she offered to help get the kid back on his feet. week: TGSFKaL'ilDZ's insatiable crush on Lana and the terror it wreaks! Clark tells the kid he's getting the hang of this high-school thing. Whatever that means. Smiles all around. "How you doing?" Clark asks Lana, suddenly Joey Tribbiani. More importantly, who cares? Clark asks if she's all right. "I'm fine, Clark," Lana says, sounding annoyed. Clark leaves. Lana sits down with the boy and says they have a lot of work to do. She asks him what's wrong, because he's all quiet. He says it's about her friend, PM'sWB. "He's from Oklahoma, right?" he asks. Lana says she doesn't know; he hasn't said. You've known him for how many months? Sent him how many gift baskets? And you don't know where he's from? Screw this show. Lana asks what's up. TGSFKaL'ilDZ says he thinks something really bad happened to him. Lana says he was seriously injured, and was in the hospital until a few months ago. "This is going to sound really strange," he says, "but I think it's worse than that. I don't think he was just hurt. I think he died." Weird music. Lana looks seriously disturbed. Maybe she'll have an aneurysm.

Kent kitchen cookies! MamaKent takes them out of the oven. She tells Clark he's being quiet. Clark is bummed that he can change destiny. Oh, he was a Calvinist. He says it brought up questions he had all along. Clark says that by saving the coach, he put three other lives in danger. MamaKent says that Clark was there for them. Clark says that if it wasn't for him, Coach wouldn't have had a chance to hurt anyone. Clark wonders if that's why he was sent here: to change destiny. What if he makes a wrong choice? MamaKent says that Clark has to look on the bright side, what with all the people he's saved. She mentions her dad and herself, as well as Lex. Mmm, don't forget Lex. "He's turned out to be a really good friend," she says. Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh. I'm twelve, sorry. MamaKent says that Clark can't save everyone. It would be a six-hour show every week! She says she's going to take some cookies out to Bo Duke. Clark volunteers to do it himself. He puts on a jacket. MamaKent asks him to make sure at least a few of the cookies get to the barn. Ha ha. Cookie humor. Clark thanks his mom for her words of sorta-wisdom. Rebecca walks in the room and notices that MamaKent has a new hairdo. She hasn't been watching much this season. "It's a Monica Lewinsky," she tells me. Uh huh.

The Barnness of Cliffhangertude. Clark comes in with the cookies. A saw is running. "Dad!" Clark calls. The saw is running by itself. A plank of plywood falls over. Clark turns off the machine. Clark goes around and finds Bo Duke on the floor. He drops the blue plate of cookies in slow motion. It shatters. "Dad! Dad!" Clark says as he helps Bo up a bit. We bitch, but Bo does have some safety goggles on the floor to him. "Not now. Not yet," Bo groans through gritted teeth. He's got sawdust all over him. "I love you, son," Bo says. "I love my living gay son while I might be dying!" Bo falls unconscious. "Dad?" Clark says. "Mom!" he yells. He yells it again. And a third time. We pull away from it as I wait for Clark to pick up his dad and superspeed to the hospital. It doesn't happen. Instead, we cut to black.

If you listen to The WB and buy that Five for Fighting album, you're not invited to my birthday party.

That's it. week: "2 Pete, 2 Furious." That's funny, because it's usually "2 Lines, 2 Wasted" on this show for him. I'm guessing Bo Duke doesn't die.