The Blind Leading The Blahna

S03E10

By Omar G

This episode's gonna be like the first night in prison. We're just going to close our eyes, bite the pillow, and get through this thing. There there, Betty. It'll be all right.

We open at the storefront of Smallville Jewelers, a heretofore unseen concern in a town that's obsessed with necklaces and rings. Clark is window-shopping, but there's really not much fun taken in it when you have X-Ray vision. There's a multi-colored glass cock (the rooster variety) in the window. Don't even ask. "Looking for something special?" a voice asks. Oh. Crap. Lana. YOU BROKE UP! I call "No fair!" Again! If Clark were any kind of man, he'd say, in a rich baritone, "Yeah, and I think I just found it," while winking at the Pink Princess and maybe scratching at his balls. But, no. He just says that his mom's birthday is coming up. Tight shot of Clark with an American flag waving behind him. Somebody cue the Toby Keith music. Clark turns from the window and asks Lana how she's doing. She says she's still trying to get the taste of hospital Jell-O out of her mouth. Which is strange because...she never ate any hospital Jell-O, so.... Oh my God, Cheryl, have I got some gossip for you! Lana says that the leg is feeling better. Clark wears a blank expression, as if he's thinking, "Leg? What's she talking about leg -- oooooh!" Clark says he thought about visiting. Like once, three weeks ago. In a half-remembered dream. Lana says she understands, as tinkly "Dance Of Ignorant Flirting" music plays. Lana abruptly shifts gears and walks away: "I gotta go. Bye." Does she need Lex's meds from last week? What is wrong with that girl? No, sorry, don't email me with a list. Mine is already well into triple digits. As Lana walks off, we see an extra walking stiffly with a Flock of Seagulls hairdo and faded assprints on her (I think it's a her) jeans. I'm not sure what this portends. Maybe Tears For Fears are poised to make a comeback. Clark watches Lana leave for what feels like five minutes before walking into the jewelry store. I don't blame him. Lana's going away is always something to be savored.

Just as Clark enters, a sleek black Trans-Am convertible with a sleek-headed, tough-looking bald dude at the wheel pulls up right in front of the store. to him is a man-boy who could be the younger brother of Bobby Briggs from Twin Peaks. Young Bobby Briggs asks if the older man is sure about this. Goatee Bald advises that if the lad follows the plan, nobody will even know he's there. "You smash. I grab. It's done," he says, pulling out a gun. That's the same advice Luigi would give Mario before every adventure. Goatee Bald puts in some earplugs as the kid gets out of the car and heads to the jewelry store. A heist!

Inside. Old Man Rooney is showing Clark some of his wares, including an item he says MamaKent tried on the last time she was in the store. Clark asks if she tried anything on that didn't have four numbers in the price. Well, there was this sex bracelet that Clark's not supposed to know about.... Bobby Briggs walks in as Old Man Rooney tells Clark that he just got in some costume pieces from a local designer. "Quite unique," Rooney says, as he shows Clark a pin with a Kryptonite stone in it. You know the drill: Clark winces and turns away. You might say that Kryptonite is Clark's Kryptonite. Young Bobby Briggs suddenly puts two fingers to his throat, and his Adam's apple starts bobbing up and down (Bobbing Briggs!) as we hear a disgusting flesh sound. Bobby purses his lips and a high-pitched tone rings out. People in the store, including Clark, cover their ears in pain. Goatee Bald comes in to take care o' business. Young Bobby Briggs's lips are vibrating. Gay men everywhere just found a show to take the place of Queer As Folk when it comes to stroke material. Glass shatters. Goatee Bald needlessly pulls a pantyhose over his face. A glass case holding the Kryptonite pin shatters. Clark watches it as his eyes go red. He shoots little Eyejaculate Meatballs toward Goatee Bald. Unfortunately, the pin flies in the way, and when one of the meatwads hits it, it shines green laser light all over the store. A meatwad hits its intended target as a gun flies out of Goatee Bald's hand, but Clark gets struck by green light. He falls to the floor in pain. Old Man Rooney whips out his double-barrelled shotgun. "Not another step!" he tells Goatee Bald. Young Bobby Briggs makes a quick getaway without anyone's even noticing. "The police are on their way," Rooney says. Oh, like he even knows. Lana comes in. She goes to Clark, who's not looking so healthy. She asks if he's all right. "Lana?" he asks. "Lana. It's my eyes. I can't see!" He does sound very scared. Somebody saaaaaaaave Clark! An optometrist, maybe?

Opening credits. It would have been cool if they had made them all blurry and out of focus this week. Oh well.

Commercials. This show is brought to you by Secret: Strong enough for a man, but made to conceal Clark's sexual orientation.

Kent Farm at night. Inside, Clark is still blind. This trend? It will continue. MamaKent helps him sit down and fluffs a couch pillow for him before moving over to Bo Duke to tell him that they have to do something. It's the first of many instances this episode in which people will confuse Clark's blindness for deafness. Bo exposits that Clark's retinas were scarred by that heat burst. Lemme get this straight: Krptonite affects Clark, but only when he's close to it. Removing a Kryptonite bullet from his chest healed him instantly, but a little green light to the eyes causes permanent damage? Whatthefuckever. Bo says that the doctor was baffled. Probably even more baffled when he couldn't draw blood. MamaKent explains that it's because Bo Duke handcuffed the doc. Oh, that was just Bo being kinky. Bo says that the last time they trusted a doctor, she sold Clark's blood to Papa Luthor. MamaKent says that they'll find someone they can trust. Perhaps some sort of time-traveling frontier Medicine Woman. MamaKent nags that they may have to risk someone's learning Clark's secret. Bo, deathly serious, says that this is about Clark being hurt by his own powers for the first time. Wait, isn't that the theme of every single episode? Bo says that before everybody runs out of the house with their peckers in their hands and skunk juice in their hair (or, er, words to that effect), they should really think this through. Clark asks if he gets a vote. Well, sure, if you want to screw things up even worse. Clark bravely stands and looks at nothing. Bo puts a hand on his shoulder and says of course he does. Clark says it may just be a question of time before he gets better. MamaKent tells him it could be permanent. on Smallville! A hero gets set up on a literal blind date with a veiled Muslim woman! Clark uses his powers to build himself a giant cross that he can get hung upon by bravely saying that brave people everywhere bravely choose to live with their disabilities every day. Clark is ready to bravely be one of those brave, brave people. MamaKent looks like she's going to cry. "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Clark asks. "[I] go to school and walk through a wall?" Sniff. That Clark! He's so...brave!

Smallville High the day. Emergency crews are called on the scene after Clark walks through a wall and injures forty students on a lower level. Also, Pete helps him to his locker. Clark has Ray Charles sunglasses on, but doesn't need anything so hard to maintain as a soul. Plus, he's got a black teenager at the ready. Clark asks if people are staring at him. They totally are. Pete says they're just digging on his shades. Seeing Eye Pete opens Clark's locker and apparently knows the combination by heart. Since third grade, even. Pete opens the locker and shoves Clark's hand in there, unmindful of potential sticky love letters, sugar gliders, or locker guillotines that might be waiting. Pete tells Clark that the guy who tried to rob the jewelry store ended up on the Pete's mom's docket; she's the judge we've never met.

There's something pink and flat coming this way. Oh. Hi, Lana. "You're already back," she tells Clark. He says it's nothing quite so heroic. He's just picking up his books as a pit-stop. Lana says that if Clark needs anything, she's there for him. Class notes, writing papers, long lingering looks that do nothing to advance the story. Yeah, let's see what her new boyfriend thinks of that. Clark drops his books. Lana imparts a lesson on Clark: ever since she bravely survived her horse-stomping accident and now walks perfectly even though her leg was broken in three places, she knows now that you can't do it alone. You need some Poor Man's Wes Bentley to help you through it. Clark should look into that. Clark says that what's happened to him doesn't fix how things are between himself and Lana. All right, I may not like Lana, but Clark is being a prick this week. Lana says she was just trying to help, but that she won't make that mistake again. If she does make that mistake, can she make it on another show? Pete says that whoever said, "'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' obviously hasn't met" Lana and Clark. Three lines, Pete. You're pushing things as it is.

Pete closes the locker and it's really, really loud. Everything seems to get slowed down as Clark's hearing amps up. The closed captioning helpfully suggests, "Clark's hearing enhanced," which must read like some sort of sick prank to those who actually need to use the closed captioning. Clark can hear every click of the combination lock on his locker as Pete spins it. Loud locker-slamming noises. "Aggghhh!" Clark yelps. Too-long jeans on boots walking down the hall make an ugly fashion noise that is crippling to our hero. He winces. Zippers! Oh, God, the zippers! "Clark? What's the matter?" Pete asks, but his voice must sound like a thousand yodels. Clark asks Pete if he heard that. "Heard what?" Pete asks. "Hello," we hear. It's Chloe's voice. "What do you want?" Chloe asks. Pete can't hear Chloe, but Clark can. Suddenly, we zoom inside Clark's ear in cheesy CGI animation. Not a trace of wax. He is super! Inside Clark's ear, what looks like a bent crutch is doing the horizontal mambo with what looks like a bloated anteater at the end of a slinky. I guess that's an inner ear cochlea or a tinhorn or the humidifier or some sort of ear hammer thingy. Yep, folks, I didn't do well in biology class. The CGI goes nuts, zipping out of Clark's ear, showing us his face and then zipping down the hallway to show us Chloe's conversation first-hand. (Er, first-ear.)

Chloe is telling someone on the phone that her researching Clark days are over. We see her coming down stairs in the high school hallway. "Really? I have such a vivid memory of that young reporter just eager to work for The Daily Planet." It's Papa Luthor! We cut to him at a desk, wearing a tie and working at a keyboard. He's got a headset on and I finally figure out how he amassed this huge fortune: he's been selling Time/Life books on the side! Chloe, on her cell phone, is trying to weasel out of her arrangement. She says she gave Papa Luthor all the info she had. Papa tells her she has to look at Clark Kent as a work in progress. Like an apartment on Queer Eye before Thom gets done with it. Papa Luthor asks if Clark's sudden blindness doesn't pique Chloe's journalistic curiosity. He says it's especially curious, since everyone else at the robbery suffered only hearing injuries. Chloe says she's done snooping, and that's all there is to it. Papa Luthor asks if Chloe is going to go running back to Lex. "Or what's left of him?" Chloe asks. Damn. Ouch. Papa Luthor looks pissed. He says that Lex has a serious mental illness, "a crack in his foundation." Is that why he's always looking to borrow some caulk from Clark? Papa Luthor says that Lex's foundation can't take any pressure, so they'll let him sit in his office and sharpen pencils. Why the hell is he telling Chloe all of this? Papa Luthor tells Chloe he expects a full Kent report by...whups, he gets cut off by the school bell. Clark is in serious pain from that. Pete asks what's wrong. Clark tells him that he has to get out of there, right away. Pete does the Secret Service routine and leads Clark out. As they go, they get the stink-eye from Young Bobby Briggs, who's standing in the hallway.

Kent Barn. Bo Duke and MamaKent are helping Clark upstairs. Is it really wise to have Blind-Ass Clark way up in that loft with all those spaces he could fall through? They're asking what happened. Clark says it's like somebody turned up a stereo full-blast. Clark's still sporting his silly sunglasses. Clark says that the sounds just went away right after the school-hallway incident: it was completely random. Bo says that with Clark's other powers, it's not really clear how he's supposed to develop. Bo says it may have been a one-time thing. Like the night Bo strayed from cows to goats one awful, drunken time. MamaKent suggests that Clark's body may be compensating for his loss of vision. Clark says that the sounds were loud, and that he couldn't tell where they were coming from. He brings up Chloe and Papa Luthor. Clark drops the bombshell just as Lex walks up. "Hey," says Lex. Come on. He had to have heard that. MamaKent and Bo greet Lex. There's even handshaking, which used to be strictly taboo for Bo Duke. MamaKent excuses herself to fill out school paperwork. Bo goes with her. They can barely imagine what filthy things go on in this barn and they want nothing to do with it.

"Clark, I don't know what to say," says Lex, after the Kents are gone. How about, "Let's play Blind Man's Bluff in the nude"? "How about 'Hello'?" Clark suggests. Yes, Lex, "Hello?" Is it Clark you're looking for? Clark says that behind the Ray Bans (he can afford Ray Bans?), he's still the same old sexually ambiguous, pouty-lipped, hay-baling, ripped farmboy. Lex says that when his father went (cough bullshit cough) blind, Lex made contact with some of the world's best ophthalmologists. None of whom could detect that Papa Luthor was faking, huh? Yeah, they sound great. Clark, stupidly, says, "Well, I appreciate that, Lex, but this isn't a problem to be solved. This is something I need to learn to live with." That is the dumbest damn thing I've ever heard in my life. Clark wants to be blind? He's not willing to get help from a specialist even though he's already been to a Bumblefuck, Kansas, general practitioner? I wish someone would slap those Ray Bans right off his idiot face. Lex smiles a bit, like, "You poor, dumb bastard." Clark says he doesn't want to talk about his condition. He's ready to talk condom textures instead of colors. Clark says he can hear the concern about his new condition in people's voices. Lex says he knows the feeling. He says there's an almost medieval prejudice against survivors of mental illness. Oh, come on, that's crazy! Whups, I mean...have you gone mental? Er. Want to try some salted nuts? Dammit, this isn't going well. Lex says he has to put it behind him by proving his worth. "How are you going to do that?" Clark purrs. Oh, baby. Lex says he's going to return to his old job back at LuthorCorp. Clark asks if Lex thinks that job offer is "for real." "Why, Clark?" Lex asks. He asks if Clark knows something he doesn't. Tactlessly, Clark says he heard that the job offer is a sham. Papa Luthor doesn't really think Lex is better. Lex looks surprised and hurt. Clark even quotes the "sharpening pencils" bit. Lex asks where Clark heard this. Clark won't say. But he advises Lex to be careful. Wear a raincoat.

Kent kitchen. As Bo pours himself a little piece of coffee heaven, MamaKent tells him she was thinking that -- WHOA! Big MamaKent lips in super-duper close-up! So it's going to be my second Rocky Horror Picture Show shout-out in two weeks? She says that maybe they should look at hiring some more help as Clark's inner cochleal hammer bone zooms into the conversation. Clark does his brooding sunglasses bit in the barn as Bo tells MamaKent that they're barely making ends meet right now. MamaKent is worried that Bo is working himself too hard. Bo, learning against the counter, says he just needs to catch his breath. MamaKent is filling out a "Board of Education disability application." Hasn't all this happened within, like, five hours? Bo says that the counselor told them Clark could still take his regular classes. "Until when?" MamaKent asks. MamaKent says that Clark's life has changed, as has Bo's, but neither one of them will admit it. Wait, I thought Clark was totally resigned to life as a blind man. Is it just me or do the dots of this episode just not connect? Well, it's just an excuse for MamaKent to say, "You both think you're supermen who can do everything alone, but you can't anymore!" I think Bo is tired because there's a massive cheese leak coming from somewhere on the farm. MamaKent throws down her pencil and says that Bo and Clark both need to start relying on people. Damn, woman! Point taken!

Tinkly piano music as we transition from the barn to Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is looking at some sort of very colorful document with letterhead from The Talon. Lana strides right in. Security! She tells Lex that she got a letter from an insurance carrier saying that all of her medical expenses had already been taken care of. Lex says that it wasn't Lana's fault. The stompy horse thing, that is -- not everything else wrong with the show. Lex says he pushed her into the stall and spooked the horse. So it's Lex and not the horse I should be sending decorative sugar cubes to? Lana says Lex was -- "Crazy?" he asks. She says he wasn't himself. Lana says that as much as she appreciates "the grand gestures," she would have settled for Lex's stopping by and saying hello. Lana is acting like the loneliest person on the planet. You know, The Talon isn't exactly Solaris. Lex smiles and says that the grand gestures have always come easier. Lex says he was a little busy (he was freakin' institutionalized, Lana! What do you want?) but he's sure Clark took up the Lavishing Lana with Undue Attention slack. Lana says that Clark hasn't been around. She says that the best way to stop hurting each other, they decided, was to stop seeing each other altogether. Yes, all together now: "YOU BROKE UP!" Why, oh why, are we still getting huge chunks of Lana every week? She should be off the show, at least for a few weeks! Lex says that given Clark's "new reality," Clark could use her help. Lex compares Clark to his father when he was blind (er, faking), but Lana says she tried to reach out and got brutally rebuffed. As Lana is leaving, Lex asks, "By the way, who's Adam?" Lex noticed that the Talon bill had some gift baskets sent to the guy. Exactly how many gift baskets did Lana send? Lex may have been the one inside, but I think Lana is the crazy, nutty, obsessive one. Lana says she's going to reimburse the shop. She awkwardly says that Poor Man's Wes Bentley is a friend she made in therapy. A friend she sent multiple gift baskets to. Lex says that the guy must have made quite an impression. "Yeah, he did," Lana says. She tells Lex not to be a stranger, and takes off. Lex goes back to examining every detail of the Talon bill while Lana goes off to boil a bunny in PM'sWB's kitchen.

Cloudy day at the Kent farm. Chloe's little red convertible VW bug pulls up to the barn. Clark, inside, hears the car approach. Chloe comes to Clark and puts a hand on his arm. She says she likes to avoid clichés, but if there's anything she can do.... Clark --bravely, I might add -- says, "I'll manage!" He adds, "You didn't come all the way out here to check out the blind guy." I can't even put into words how lame and offensive all of this is. Chloe asks if Clark has seen Pete. "Sorry," Chloe says when she realizes her gaffe. She says that they were supposed to meet that morning and double team on her Daily Planet column. "The column [Papa] Luthor helped you land?" Clark says, bitterly. As if he's on All My Children, Clark says, "I may have lost my sight, but things are becoming much clearer now." He asks how long Chloe and Papa Luthor have been investigating him. Chloe, stricken, says it's been happening since last spring, the day after Lex's wedding. "When you saw me and Lana together," Clark says, "is that why you did this?" Chloe says nothing. "Your silence is deafening!" Clark tells her. Oh. Man. This scene is soooo bad. It's like they tore up dialogue from a bad mystery novel and sewed it into the script. Clark asks what Chloe told Papa Luthor. She says it was nothing he didn't already know. Clark asks what Papa Luthor is sharing with her. Chloe says that, believe it or not, she was trying to help Clark. "Oh, by spying on me?" Chloe says she was trying to figure out why Papa Luthor was so intrigued by Clark. Two words: cheek bones. Clark accuses Chloe of happily taking new computers for The Torch and using him to make a name for herself at a big paper. "For all the times you accused me of keeping secrets, how could you do this to me?" Clark demands. I think it's kind of a two-way street, buddy. Chloe, near tears, says that Papa Luthor caught her at an especially bad time. She caved. She says she's tried to get out of it ever since, but people like Papa Luthor don't let people like her go. She says she thought Clark, of all people, would understand making a stupid decision in a moment of weakness. Clark doesn't understand, unless it's Lana who made the mistake. Chloe, upset, leaves the barn. Clark listens to the engine as she goes. Note, however, that he doesn't pay attention to whether she's crying as she leaves.

Clark is sitting outside on a wood fence. Pete, in his blue convertible, pulls up. Pete cheerily says that Clark's parents are ready to start gluing his picture to milk cartons. But don't they use their own milk? In glass bottles? Fine, never mind. Pete asks how Clark got way out there. Clark says he walked. He says he couldn't take all the noise. No explanation as to why Pete missed his meeting with Chloe. Pete asks if Clark's "mega-hearing" is back. Clark says that suddenly he's the ultimate eavesdropper. To prove it, we zoom into Clark's ear. He hears a clanky car approaching. "Pete, did someone follow you?" Clark asks. Clark holds his ears in pain. The car sounds are getting louder. A red tow truck pulls up. Young Bobby Briggs gets out of the driver's side and tells Pete to get in the truck. Young Bobby does his disgusting neck bob. His thin lips flutter the best that they can. Clark screams. The windows on Pete's car shatter. (But not on the tow truck.) Pete buckles and writhes on the ground. Young Bobby Briggs comes over, grabs Pete, and throws him into the truck. "Pete! What's going on? Talk to me!" Clark yells. The tow truck drives off. Clark yells for Pete, but does nothing else. Commercials.

I have a friend who keeps telling me I need to watch One Tree Hill. But the way I see it? No.

We return to focus on Sheriff Cheshire's squawking police radio. She's in the Kent house talking to Bo Duke and MamaKent. Bo asks if they found anything by Pete's car. Cheshire says they found nothing helpful. MamaKent tries desperately to make the connection for the sheriff: Clark said he heard the same sound out there that he heard at the jewelry store during the attempted robbery. Cheshire snottily says that their son's "ear-witness" testimony isn't much help. Bo says it is too a help! It proves the would-be robber had an accomplice. Cheshire says that in a town of 45,000, that doesn't narrow things down much. Has this woman ever heard of, oh, I don't know, police work? The doorbell rings. It's Pete's mom! And...how to say this? She's kinda, sorta, damn hot! Could she sentence me to the judge's chambers, perhaps? Cheshire sees Pete's mom and tells her that she should be home in case there's a ransom demand. Judge Hotness says that the kidnappers just called, and that she asked the sheriff's deputy to bring her straight to the Kent house. They couldn't radio that to the sheriff? Bo sits Judge Hotness down and asks her what the bad guys want. She says that Goatee Bald's pre-trial is the day. They want the judge to go along with a motion to dismiss all charges: "If I don't grant it, they're going to kill my son." Bummer. Hey, Judge Hotness, would you object to a motion I might make to ask you out to dinner?

The Barnness of Overhear-itude. Clark is listening to it all. He looks around (but really doesn't), wondering what to do.

Later that day at the Kent farm. Lots of noise. Clark is in the barn, and he's got every mechanical device he can think of cranked up. There's an old radio, saws, lots of noisy things. Clark gets frustrated trying to tune the radio, and slams it across the workbench, breaking it. It doesn't CGI-shatter, and at that I'm surprised. MamaKent and Bo come in, demanding to know what in tarnation is going on. Clark, over the din, yells that he's trying to focus his hearing. He hollers that if he doesn't get a handle on his power, he won't be able to save Pete. MamaKent and Bo turn off all the infernal machines. Bo tries to fill Clark in on the latest developments, but Clark already heard everything. If I were Bo or MamaKent, I'd be planning never to have sex in the same zip code as Clark again. Clark has somehow gleaned that the kidnappers are going to kill Pete. What, he's The Profiler all of a sudden? Clark asks for his parents' help in helping focus his powers. "All right. Let's get to work, then!" Bo cries. The superhearing isn't going to just, um, propagate itself as part of Clark's growing oeuvre? Yeah, that sounds like something Bo would say. Wouldn't he rather be finishing up all those chores that he's exhausted from than playing ear games? Bo fires up the machines (including a wood chipper, scary). MamaKent tells Clark to listen for his father's voice. Bo talks from a few yards away, but we can't hear it. Closed captioning: "Concentrate, Clark. Concentrate on my voice." Clark can't hear it. Close-ups of clanking machinery. Slow-motion loudness. The noises start to fade as Clark is able to hone in on his dad's words. "Concentrate on my voice, son." "Dad!" Clark says. He hears him! Now will you stop nagging me, old man?! Bo comes over to congratulate Clark, but knocks over a nail. It hits the ground and Clark freaks out in pain. I guess it's not perfect. Clark says it's all right. Bo goes back to his talking spot, and they keep working on this superhero business. Ooh, gruff man-whisper. Clark smiles. He's getting the hang of this.

Lair of Lex. Instead of drinking Scotch, Lex is juicing up, orange-style. Papa Luthor comes in, flaring bastardness behind him. He says he doesn't have much time, but wants to know what's up. Lex says that he was welcomed back after his institution stay with open arms, but that he should have known better than to trust Papa Luthor. Papa asks what they're talking about. "Humiliation," Lex says. Lex tells him that word is out about how his new job is just a title and little else. Papa Luthor says that's foolish. He says he's always wanted Lex to work with him. "To do what? Sharpen pencils?" Lex asks. All right, enough with the pencils crap. Tenseness. Lex tells his father that he's making a grave mistake throwing him behind a desk and underestimating him. "Unless, of course, my source is wrong," Lex says. What exactly did the shock treatment change? All that work just to erase one memory? Doesn't seem like Lex forgot anything else. Papa Luthor says it's true that he's been disappointed with Lex's performance in the past. Papa Luthor says he's always told Lex that. Lex is mad that he has to keep proving himself. Papa Luthor says that's life. Love it or lump it. Papa Luthor says that if somebody's trying to drive a wedge between them, then that's treachery. Papa Luthor asks who the source was. Lex asks who Papa Luthor was trash-talking with. Stalemate. Very stale.

Downtown Smallville. Clark and Bo Duke are in the truck hunting for Pete. Bo stops at the Talon and says he's stopping there to get an update. An update on the flavor of muffins available today? It turns out it was a ploy. Lana gets in the driver's side instead. "Your dad told me you were out here," she says. Could Clark's parents be any more annoying? Do they really want him marrying his high-school sweetheart? Just because they did? This family gets more dysfunctional by the minute. "Lana," Clark says, the way you'd say "socks" when you open up a gift of them at Christmas. Lana wonders if Clark wants some company. Clark, like us, doesn't seem to want her around. She starts to leave the truck. He asks her to stay. You fool! He apologizes for that morning. Lana forgives him before he even apologizes. He says he's been pushing people away lately, and that he misses having Lana in his life. Noooo! My eyes! They burn! Clark says he understands why Lana doesn't want him around. She stutters that she was scared and hurt. She says she overreacted. No you didn't! Go! Now! Take your pink shit with you! Clark says that the way he's been treating Lana, he's surprised she didn't bolt sooner. Where's she gonna go? One Tree Hill? Lana says that Clark had his reasons for pulling away. "Maybe those reasons are gone," he says. Most codependent relationship ever. Lana asks what Clark means. He says that his life is different now, and that he doesn't want to be alone. You're so alone, Clark, with your family and friends and villains every week. Clark takes Lana's hand on the car seat. She pulls it away. Lana licks her upper lip and says she has to go. Time for a botox refill. Before she gets out, Clark asks about a sound approaching. It's the clankety clank truck. "What. The tow truck?" Lana asks. Clark manages to get out of the car and walk down the street. He tells Lana it's the same sound he heard when Pete was taken. Clark commands Lana to go get his dad. Clark walks blindly toward the passing tow truck. He climbs on the back of it. Oh. My God. Clark thinks he's Marty McFly!

The Adventures of Clanky Truck and Blind Dopey Stowaway! The truck gets to the hideout, and somehow Clark knows to jump off the back of the tow truck before it stops. Quick shot of Pete, duct-taped about the mouth, inside. Young Bobby Briggs gets out of the car and into the hideout. Pete manages to free his mouth from the tape. That's not gonna buy you any more lines, my friend. Clark feels his way along the outside garage. He hears Pete yelling. Clark yells back. Bobby Briggs, inside, only hears Pete. He tells him to shut up and cracks him across the mouth with the back of his hand. Clark opens the door and comes in calling for Pete. This scene is awful about showing us where people are in relation to each other. Clark feels his way, but, oh no! Young Bobby Briggs is behind him, and he's holding a torch! Clark loses his sunglasses and gets a torch across the eyeballs. Clark yells. Even though he's Superman. Whatever. Young Bobby Briggs doesn't notice that his torch isn't really causing any skin melting or hair singeing. Clark moans and holds his un-super eyes. Young Bobby Briggs grabs Pete and takes off. Clark yells for Pete. He looks around and can now see, although it's in mosquito-vision. Commercials!

Do we have to? Really? Fine. We'll go on. Kent Farm. Inside, Clark is holding an apple and telling his parents that he can see, but that things are blurry. We confirm this by seeing things from Clark's point of view. MamaKent asks about his other abilities. X-Ray vision and heat vision are still gone. Bo suggests that the heat from the blow torch must have broken up the scar tissue. Scar tissue? He's freakin' Superman! He doesn't scar! Bo suggests that maybe Clark needs some time to heal. See two sentences. Clark is ready to get back to action and go find Pete. Bo says that before they do anything else, there's one stop they have to make.

Smallville Hospital. Clark is wearing wire-frame glasses. Oh, give me a very small fucking break. He can stop bullets, but he can't read the damn eye chart? MamaKent assures Clark that he looks fine. "Yeah?" he asks. Bo asks Clark about his brilliant plan to save Pete. It's basically this: go to the courthouse, wait for the robber to be released while Clark stands around trying to look inconspicuous, and see where the bad guy goes. That's so dumb it's almost smart. Sadly, it's the only plan Clark's got.

Metropolis at night. Chloe is led in to Papa Luthor's office by a very svelte-looking female assistant. Papa Luthor is on his new toy, the phone headset, pacing behind his desk. Chloe waits while Papa Luthor wheels and deals. Chloe says that she doesn't have any new information on Clark. If she did, she says, she would have emailed it and saved herself a three-hour drive. "Is that before or after you spoke to Lex?" Papa Luthor asks. Chloe doesn't know what he means. He tells her that coy evasions may work on high-school sources, but up here she's out of her league. Chloe's still confused. Papa Luthor accuses Chloe of telling Lex about their last conversation. Chloe says she's not talking to Lex, but thanks Papa Luthor for the "wildly offensive insinuation." Chloe excuses herself and says she's got a deadline. "Not anymore," Papa Luthor says. Her column for The Daily Planet has been cancelled. Papa Luthor offers to let things stand if she tells him everything she's fed to Lex. Chloe tells him she's not Lex's source. Chloe says he can kill her column, but that it's not the only thing she's working on for the paper. She says that the newspaper might be interested in a story about an eccentric billionaire with an obsessive interest in a Kansas farm boy. Snap! Scandal! Chloe gives Papa Luthor the mad eyebrows cock of the head. Papa Luthor's smile fades. He asks if she's threatening him. I am Cornholio! Are you threatening me? Suddenly, Chloe doesn't look too confident. "Be careful, Miss Sullivan," Papa Luthor says. "Very careful." Chloe says she'll be whatever she wants; she doesn't work for him anymore. Yeah. Good snappy dialogue thing there, Chloe. Chloe makes a quick exit from the office and stands in the hallway for a second, considering what a dumb thing she just did.

The first time we've ever seen the Smallville Courthouse. Wow. Nice dome. Inside, Sheriff Cheshire is telling Judge Hotness that she's got people fanning out from the garage searching for Pete, but that they're running out of time. The judge says that releasing the robber goes against everything she believes in, but that if she doesn't, it could mean Pete's life. Yeah. We know this. She glances at Goatee Bald, who's talking to his Asian lady lawyer. Judge Hotness says that the guy knows he has them over a barrel. Ew. Lewd! Cheshire asks what she's going to do. Judge Hotness: "Until the hearing starts, pray." Clark, with glasses, stands nearby, listening. He eavesdrops as Goatee Bald calls his accomplice on a cell phone. Couldn't the police monitor his cell conversations? Yuck. Another close-up of Clark's inner ear canal structure. I think I see a dingledrum. That crutch has got the mad vibration skillz! Clark hears Goatee Bald tell Young Bobby Briggs to get rid of Pete as soon as he's freed. They plan to meet in Metropolis. Bobby Briggs says Pete will be in a pile of junk in a minute. Clark superzips out of there.

The back of a car. Young Bobby Briggs smiles as he closes the trunk on Pete. They're in a scrap yard. Bobby has put the car that's about to close in on Pete in one of those big car-crushing compactor machines. Clark runs up and sees a sign that says "Auto Wrecking." Young Bobby turns on the compactor. It slowly begins to crush the car. "Pete!" Clark yells. He spots Bobby Briggs just wandering around the junk yard, not a care in the world. "Hey, you work here?" Clark asks, comically. "What the hell?" Briggs says. Oh, how I love farce. "Where's Pete?" Clark asks, grabbing the kid's shirt. "In a minute, neither of you will care," Briggs says. Wow. This episode is pretty badly written. Briggs does his vibrating lip/noise thing. Clark winces and holds his ears. Crazy lips! Clark notices a stack of cars behind him. The cars lean forward and begin to fall. Clark zips of the way, but no such luck for Young Bobby Briggs. He gets crushed. Of course. Bye, Bobby.

In the car, Pete yells for help. Clark listens for the source of Pete's voice. He doesn't notice the car being crushed right in front of him, apparently. Clark figures it out, superzips to the compactor, and holds it up before it can get anywhere near the trunk. This isn't exactly high tension. The compactor just stops for no reason. Clark opens the trunk and asks Pete if he's all right. "Clark," Pete says. He's bloody about the face. He droops his head. No more lines for now, Pete. Go to sleep.

Commercials. Now, I'm not a big WB-show watcher, but as near as I can tell, Charmed is about witchcraft and Alyssa Milano's boobies. I may need to tune in.

The Talon. Pete is telling his harrowing story to some guy and two honeys. One of the honeys has a hand on him. They all seem to be wearing track sweats. "Oh my God. That's the bravest things I've ever heard!" says the Fly Honey to him. No, true bravery is being blind for a whole day. Pete goes on to say that if hadn't done something fast, he'd have been Spam in a can. Nice. The other honey tells Pete she's glad he's fine now, and kisses him on the cheek. The other guy standing with them mumbles, "Hey, I killed a spider this morning. It was a big one." But the girls don't stick around. Clark has been listening. "I have a feeling I'll be hearing this story for a long time," he says. Pete says, "Busted." He says that chicks dig a hero, and that he hopes Clark doesn't mind the truth-bending. "Pete, look who you're talking to: the master truth-bender." Exactly! Why doesn't anyone ever acknowledge that Clark is the biggest fattest liar on this or any show? Clark says it's the least he can do for Pete. He takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on. Clark says that his eyes are adjusting, and that he may need a new prescription. Chloe walks up to them, looking shaken. She doesn't notice Clark's specs. Pete says he's ready for his big Torch interview. Chloe says she has to reschedule. She tells Clark she's glad he's feeling better, and then turns to walk off. Pete asks her what's wrong. Almost crying, she says she lost her column at The Daily Planet. When Pete asks why, she doesn't really say. Also? Her dad got fired from LuthorCorp that morning. Clark says it doesn't make any sense. Chloe says that Lex was the one who fired him.

Lair of Lex. Lex, in a stretchy black fabric, greets Clark, who's been waiting for him. Lex wants to talk about Clark's miraculous recovery. Clark gets straight to the point about Mr. Sullivan's firing. Lex says that the job performance of Chloe's dad was seriously lacking. Clark counters that the guy worked for the company for years. He says this could ruin Chloe's family. Lex spins and says Papa Luthor thinks Chloe's dad was the one spreading the rumors about him. Lex says he assumed that Chloe overheard the gossip and passed it on to Clark. Clark says it isn't right. Lex says it's not about that; he says it's about positioning. Oh, how I've longed to hear the word "positioning" in a conversation between Clark and Lex. Lex says that Papa Luthor won a battle today. "And Chloe's father is a casualty!" Clark whines. It's even more annoying with the glasses. Lex says that the war's just starting, and that he has the greatest advantage: his dad thinks he's weak. Lex tells Clark that he should be relieved. He was able to keep Clark's name out of this whole fooferaw. Well, damn. He's got a point there, Clark.

Cows! Glorious cows! Inside the Kent barn, Clark takes off his glasses and squints. Welcome to the first twenty-five years of my life, Clark. He puts his glasses back on as he looks in the mirror. Lana suddenly appears behind him. God. Jeez. Are the last five pages of every script always pink and marked, "Reserved for Lana scene?" Lana says that Clark looks like he's back to normal. He puts his glasses away and says he's glad she's there. He wanted to talk. Lana says she wanted to talk, too. Great. Get to it. Clark says that he was out of line, feeling vulnerable, whatever. Lana stops him and says that the reason she pulled away is that she met someone at the hospital. "Oh," Clark says. Ow. She says she's not sure how she feels about him. What does it mean when you get all hot and moist and every fiber of your being wants to climb him and lick whatever your hands find? That must mean something, right, Clark? Clark says that the fact Lana's telling him about this guy means she already knows. "Maybe you're right," Lana says. She tells Clark that if they're going to be friends, she didn't want him to find out from someone else. Clark agrees. Lana excuses herself to go back to the Talon. "Hey, Lana," Clark tells her as she's going, "Thanks...for being honest." Something Clark will never be capable of. She shrugs. "Well, it's the only way our relationship can last, right?" she asks. Music starts to play about hearts and souls and crap. I let my finger wander achingly close to the Mute button. Lana takes off. We watch her leave all the way down the stairs. Good thing there's nothing else on this show that needs tying up or resolution. We stay on Lana outside as she gets into her SUV and drives off. Clark watches from the loft. Zoom in on his ear as he hears Lana sobbing in her car. Yeah, Lana, real nice. You've got a new man and you're still crying. Meanwhile, Chloe's got a gun to her head somewhere and nobody seems to care. You people are all a bunch of dickweeds. Seriously.

week...after this, who gives a shit? It looks like Lana is going to carry out literally what the script writers have been doing metaphorically from the start: kicking the shit out of Chloe.