Whisper

This episode's gonna be like the first night in prison. We're just going to close our eyes, bite the pillow, and get through this thing. There there, Betty. It'll be all right.

We open at the storefront of Smallville Jewelers, a heretofore unseen concern in a town that's obsessed with necklaces and rings. Clark is window-shopping, but there's really not much fun taken in it when you have X-Ray vision. There's a multi-colored glass cock (the rooster variety) in the window. Don't even ask. "Looking for something special?" a voice asks. Oh. Crap. Lana. YOU BROKE UP! I call "No fair!" Again! If Clark were any kind of man, he'd say, in a rich baritone, "Yeah, and I think I just found it," while winking at the Pink Princess and maybe scratching at his balls. But, no. He just says that his mom's birthday is coming up. Tight shot of Clark with an American flag waving behind him. Somebody cue the Toby Keith music. Clark turns from the window and asks Lana how she's doing. She says she's still trying to get the taste of hospital Jell-O out of her mouth. Which is strange because...she never ate any hospital Jell-O, so.... Oh my God, Cheryl, have I got some gossip for you! Lana says that the leg is feeling better. Clark wears a blank expression, as if he's thinking, "Leg? What's she talking about leg -- oooooh!" Clark says he thought about visiting. Like once, three weeks ago. In a half-remembered dream. Lana says she understands, as tinkly "Dance Of Ignorant Flirting" music plays. Lana abruptly shifts gears and walks away: "I gotta go. Bye." Does she need Lex's meds from last week? What is wrong with that girl? No, sorry, don't email me with a list. Mine is already well into triple digits. As Lana walks off, we see an extra walking stiffly with a Flock of Seagulls hairdo and faded assprints on her (I think it's a her) jeans. I'm not sure what this portends. Maybe Tears For Fears are poised to make a comeback. Clark watches Lana leave for what feels like five minutes before walking into the jewelry store. I don't blame him. Lana's going away is always something to be savored.

Just as Clark enters, a sleek black Trans-Am convertible with a sleek-headed, tough-looking bald dude at the wheel pulls up right in front of the store. to him is a man-boy who could be the younger brother of Bobby Briggs from Twin Peaks. Young Bobby Briggs asks if the older man is sure about this. Goatee Bald advises that if the lad follows the plan, nobody will even know he's there. "You smash. I grab. It's done," he says, pulling out a gun. That's the same advice Luigi would give Mario before every adventure. Goatee Bald puts in some earplugs as the kid gets out of the car and heads to the jewelry store. A heist!

Inside. Old Man Rooney is showing Clark some of his wares, including an item he says MamaKent tried on the last time she was in the store. Clark asks if she tried anything on that didn't have four numbers in the price. Well, there was this sex bracelet that Clark's not supposed to know about.... Bobby Briggs walks in as Old Man Rooney tells Clark that he just got in some costume pieces from a local designer. "Quite unique," Rooney says, as he shows Clark a pin with a Kryptonite stone in it. You know the drill: Clark winces and turns away. You might say that Kryptonite is Clark's Kryptonite. Young Bobby Briggs suddenly puts two fingers to his throat, and his Adam's apple starts bobbing up and down (Bobbing Briggs!) as we hear a disgusting flesh sound. Bobby purses his lips and a high-pitched tone rings out. People in the store, including Clark, cover their ears in pain. Goatee Bald comes in to take care o' business. Young Bobby Briggs's lips are vibrating. Gay men everywhere just found a show to take the place of Queer As Folk when it comes to stroke material. Glass shatters. Goatee Bald needlessly pulls a pantyhose over his face. A glass case holding the Kryptonite pin shatters. Clark watches it as his eyes go red. He shoots little Eyejaculate Meatballs toward Goatee Bald. Unfortunately, the pin flies in the way, and when one of the meatwads hits it, it shines green laser light all over the store. A meatwad hits its intended target as a gun flies out of Goatee Bald's hand, but Clark gets struck by green light. He falls to the floor in pain. Old Man Rooney whips out his double-barrelled shotgun. "Not another step!" he tells Goatee Bald. Young Bobby Briggs makes a quick getaway without anyone's even noticing. "The police are on their way," Rooney says. Oh, like he even knows. Lana comes in. She goes to Clark, who's not looking so healthy. She asks if he's all right. "Lana?" he asks. "Lana. It's my eyes. I can't see!" He does sound very scared. Somebody saaaaaaaave Clark! An optometrist, maybe?

Opening credits. It would have been cool if they had made them all blurry and out of focus this week. Oh well.

Commercials. This show is brought to you by Secret: Strong enough for a man, but made to conceal Clark's sexual orientation.

Kent Farm at night. Inside, Clark is still blind. This trend? It will continue. MamaKent helps him sit down and fluffs a couch pillow for him before moving over to Bo Duke to tell him that they have to do something. It's the first of many instances this episode in which people will confuse Clark's blindness for deafness. Bo exposits that Clark's retinas were scarred by that heat burst. Lemme get this straight: Krptonite affects Clark, but only when he's close to it. Removing a Kryptonite bullet from his chest healed him instantly, but a little green light to the eyes causes permanent damage? Whatthefuckever. Bo says that the doctor was baffled. Probably even more baffled when he couldn't draw blood. MamaKent explains that it's because Bo Duke handcuffed the doc. Oh, that was just Bo being kinky. Bo says that the last time they trusted a doctor, she sold Clark's blood to Papa Luthor. MamaKent says that they'll find someone they can trust. Perhaps some sort of time-traveling frontier Medicine Woman. MamaKent nags that they may have to risk someone's learning Clark's secret. Bo, deathly serious, says that this is about Clark being hurt by his own powers for the first time. Wait, isn't that the theme of every single episode? Bo says that before everybody runs out of the house with their peckers in their hands and skunk juice in their hair (or, er, words to that effect), they should really think this through. Clark asks if he gets a vote. Well, sure, if you want to screw things up even worse. Clark bravely stands and looks at nothing. Bo puts a hand on his shoulder and says of course he does. Clark says it may just be a question of time before he gets better. MamaKent tells him it could be permanent. on Smallville! A hero gets set up on a literal blind date with a veiled Muslim woman! Clark uses his powers to build himself a giant cross that he can get hung upon by bravely saying that brave people everywhere bravely choose to live with their disabilities every day. Clark is ready to bravely be one of those brave, brave people. MamaKent looks like she's going to cry. "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Clark asks. "[I] go to school and walk through a wall?" Sniff. That Clark! He's so...brave!

Smallville High the day. Emergency crews are called on the scene after Clark walks through a wall and injures forty students on a lower level. Also, Pete helps him to his locker. Clark has Ray Charles sunglasses on, but doesn't need anything so hard to maintain as a soul. Plus, he's got a black teenager at the ready. Clark asks if people are staring at him. They totally are. Pete says they're just digging on his shades. Seeing Eye Pete opens Clark's locker and apparently knows the combination by heart. Since third grade, even. Pete opens the locker and shoves Clark's hand in there, unmindful of potential sticky love letters, sugar gliders, or locker guillotines that might be waiting. Pete tells Clark that the guy who tried to rob the jewelry store ended up on the Pete's mom's docket; she's the judge we've never met.