Lex, Scrambled

S03E09

The barrel-chested Barney who works at the facility marvels at how many people Clark seems to know on the inside. Clark ignores the comment. "Where's Lex?" he asks. Single-minded is the ardent luvah. They find him in the arts and crafts room, still working on his painting. Clark is told he's got ten minutes. Can he get fifteen? Clark looks to Lex with concern. Lex's painting is kind of cool, actually. There's a big half-Lex head on the right edge of the image with its head on fire. (He's flaming!) to the flaming head 'o Lex is a blue orb cut raggedly in half. Is it The Earth? Lex sees Clark across the room. O, sweet LOVE! Clark comes over, and Lex gives him a jive handshake. "Clark. I was wondering if I'd ever see you again," he says in awe. They hold jive hands as Clark says he's been trying to get a visit (conjugal?) for a month, but the doctors said Lex wasn't ready. Well, Clark, according to Mariah Carey, love takes time to heal when you're hurting so much. Clark asks if Lex is all right. "I know your secret," he says, smirking. The super one or the gay one? Clark looks up and notices the security camera. Lex glances at it and whispers that he hasn't said a word to anyone. Lex takes Clark by the shoulders and says he needs his buddy to get him out of there. He's seen what Clark can do. Wile E. Coyote is still trying to catch the Road Runner on the TV in the background. Lex says that Clark got hit by a car at 60 mph and tossed it aside like a toy. Clark says he wants to, but.... "Then do it!" Lex commands. He says that Papa Luthor's never gonna let him out, as the sad "Daddy Done Wrong" oboe plays. Lex puts his hands on Clark's pretty face. "You're my friend. Please, Clark. Don't let me rot in this cesspool." I'm expecting Lex to give Clark a big Bugs Bunny kiss right here. Clark says he can't. It's too...too much passion. Too The Sexy. Lex, hurt, backs away. Lex grimaces, and then suddenly lunges at Clark. And not just with his pelvis. Guards bust up Lex's tackle as he calls Clark a bastard and yells that he's never going to forgive Clark for this: "Never!" Chaos ensues as the inmates take over the asylum. "Save me," one gaunt-looking boy asks Clark. Clark gets the hell out of there.

Later, in Lex's isolated cell. (It's not the same padded room from when he was first put away, though.) I swear the sound effects from the beginning of Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" are playing as an attendant comes in through the metal sliding door to bring in some meds on a tray. "Get up, Curly," the guy says. Lex is lying down on a stainless-steel "bed." He doesn't move. Lex slowly gets up. He moves what looks like a paintbrush converted to a handy shiv. Lex looks up at the attendant and quickly shivs him in the leg. I love a good shiv on TV. The guy screams. Lex covers the guy's mouth and throws him against the wall. The choke hold! The guy falls. Lex takes the guard's tiny baton and keycard, and then lets himself out. Getaway music. Lex runs down the hall just as Barney, holding some towels, spots him. "Hey, Luthor!" Barney calls. Lex doesn't turn. He just extends his mini-baton and waits. Barney slowly comes over, telling Lex he's going to take him back to the room. Lex spins and brutally batons the guy four times about the knees and head. The camera follows Lex in circles as he tries to figure out what to do . He makes for the unusually spacious and well-lit ventilation system. (Or is it just a secret hallway?) Lex makes it to the ground level as sirens blare. He sprints, barefoot. Two security vans give chase all the way to the barbed-wire fence as Lex tries to climb. He makes it to the top, grabs some barbed wire, and screams. Two guards shoot their Tasers at Lex, electrocufying him. He screams some more and falls to the ground as the currents surge over him. Ow. Lex, with a half-smile on his face, lies on the ground. Somebody checks his pulse. Somebody save him! Luckily, the opening credits echo my plea.

Mental-hospital hallway. Clark Kent is walking along, escorted by some facility workers. "Well, look who it is," somebody says as he sees Clark walking by. Hey! It's Van McNulty! My favorite-named Krytovillain ever! (Even if he was actually anti-Krypto for a while. Still.) How's it hanging, McNulty? Not very well, apparently. Van tries to make a tackle at Clark, but is intercepted by a worker. "You're the one that should be in here!" McNulty yells. Boy. That guy's totally McNults!

Clark continues walking, and another guy recognizes him. "Hey, Kent," says Supernerd from "Leech." With his glasses and combed-back hair, he looks a little like Hayden Christensen in Shattered Glass. "Struck by lightning lately?" Supernerd asks. Huh? How about, "Hey, Clark, when I get out of here, I'm gonna fucking kill you!" Or, "Hey hey, gay Ray, whaddaya say?" But, honestly. "Struck by lightning lately"? How is that in any way menacing or threatening? "Struck by lightning lately? Because I've been taking Zeus classes and I'm gonna shoot some bolts at you! Run, bitch!" They didn't even pick the really good Kryptovillains to bring back. This is like the Junior Varsity Single TV Appearance Team. Why you gotta ruin things, Smallville? Supernerd gives Clark a little head nod as if he said one of the things I suggested, and is led away.

But the fun's not over! Jonathan Taylor Thomas -- Tool Boy from "Dichotic" -- wheels a cart down the hallway, looking even shorter than I remember. I feel like I'm watching Lord of the Rings again. Over his shoulder, Tool Boy says, "Tell my two favorite ex-girlfriends I said hello." He really thinks he's Mini-Val Kilmer, doesn't he?

That's just the opening? I feel like I've already sat through an entire episode.

We come back to the wooden sign that says "Kent Farm." No cows in sight. In the Kent kitchen, Clark looks haunted. He says he's never seen Lex look so mad at him. Not even that time when Clark told him he's made up his mind and was gonna keep his baby. Clark says it's like he just went.... "Crazy?" Bo Duke asks. Ya think? MamaKent says that Clark can't take it personally. Clark says it's hard not to: Lex asked Clark to break him out. Bo asks if Clark said no. He did just that. Clark says that Lex tried to do it himself, and injured two guards on the way. Clark says that Lex doesn't belong in there, and that he's being drugged. MamaKent says that this isn't Lex's first "brush" with mental illness. Can you really call that a "brush"? Clark moans that Papa Luthor's never going to let Lex out. Bo says that Clark can't just break someone out of a state institution. Hasn't Clark already done that, like, four or five times? Bo says that Lex would be a fugitive with Clark's secret on the tip of his tongue. Just Clark's secret? Clark says that Pete (remember him?) knows Clark's secret, and that turned out fine. Bo says that Lex is different. Sexier. Less apt to have his scenes cut. Bo says that he doesn't think Clark should put his secret above Lex's well-being (isn't thatexactly what he's saying?); he just thinks Clark should stay out of it. Let all the other superheroes handle this one. Maybe call up Aquaman or the Green Hornet. Clark protests, but Bo smacks him down, saying that Clark could end up making things worse if he gets involved. Bo leans over Clark's shoulder to give MamaKent a kiss, and then he leaves for a hard day of loving his cows. Those cows aren't going to just love on themselves. MamaKent makes several concerned faces as she follows Clark down the foyer to the front door. She says he has another friend in a hospital he hasn't visited. Oh, but he goes to the hospital almost every day. Can't he take a day off? Clark says that Lana doesn't want to see him. MamaKent says she was in shock and didn't mean it. So MamaKent's Lana's spokesperson now? Clark says Lana's better off without him. MamaKent asks if Clark is better off. We are! MamaKent says that Clark can save the whole world, but that he's gotta take care of his own heart. Wait, does that mean busting Lex out? "Go see her," MamaKent pleads. Clark doesn't say anything.

Smallville Medical Center. Wow, there are quite a lot of extras at the front entrance. Inside, Lana -- wearing a pink muscle shirt and red shorts -- is walking slowly on two physical-therapy rails as a therapist guides her along. Lana struggles and winces to take another step. Somewhere, an evil horse is laughing. The therapist tells Lana that's enough for today. She echoes that to Adam, a guy doing leg lifts on a weight set. "I know my limits," Adam says. The therapist -- who looks like she could be related to Sheriff Cheshire -- tells Adam he'll overdo it. He says that if he listened to people like her, he'd still be in bed. Scary Therapist tells Lana she did good work, and calls her "sweetie." Adam -- a grinning doofus in the Wes Bentley mold -- tells Lana, "Hurts, doesn't it?" Lana, on crutches now, agrees. Poor Man's Wes Bentley strides right in Lana's way and says she's getting off way too easy. "Excuse me?" Lana says. PM'sWB says that Lana has to work through the pain. He lays down some crap about how this country never would have been built if people had just given up. Because all of the Founding Fathers were stomped by horses before they wrote the Declaration of Independence. They were originally going to call it The Declaration of Ow My Fucking Back! Lana echoes my sentiment. Or maybe I echo her. I've kind of given up trying to figure out what I think of Lana. It's like a boil you forget is there until it flares up. PM'sWB asks if Lana broke her leg at cheerleading practice. Dirty look from Lana. PM'sWB seriously asks what happened. Lana says that a horse got spooked, and she ended up under its hooves. Oh, glorious day. PM'sWB introduces himself and goes back into Asshole Mode, saying they both know Lana has one more lap on the walker in her. "How 'bout not?" Lana asks. That was a sentence? The dude bullshits about the word "struggle" and how it's a credo here. He's Lord of Physical Therapy? Lana says she hasn't walked in a month. PM'sWB says that attitude won't get her up a flight of stairs. Lana asks if he's always this obnoxious. I'm guessing yes. PM'sWB (he also looks a little like Jimmy Fallon if Fallon were a little younger and sleeker) says he bets Lana has a boyfriend who always protects her. He urges Lana to fight her own fight. Then he exits, leaving Lana intrigued and with a bit of the burning thigh sweats, I'm guessing.

More noises from Pink Floyd as Papa Luthor enters Lex's cell. Lex is now confined by metal rails on the steel bed. Lex looks like a human catcher's mask. (Appropriate.) "Hello, Lex," Papa Luthor purrs. He chuckles that Lex was making good progress. Lex turns his head -- the only part of him that can move -- and says that Papa taught him to tackle adversity head-on. Papa says that Lex should have taken his meds. He says that the institution isn't the enemy. Lex says he's better now. He says he doesn't need the meds. Lex says that the story about Papa Luthor's killing his parents was a paranoid delusion. Lex tells him he's managed to claw his way back from the abyss. Papa Luthor leans in and says that's irrelevant now: when Lex tried to escape, he sabotaged Papa's efforts to have him released. Oh, that's just bunk. Lex smiles and says he's cured, and that a cured patient doesn't belong in a hospital. Papa Luthor pretends to get emotional, and says it's painful to see Lex like this. He strokes Lex's cheek and his eyebrows. Lex changes his tune and says the only thing Papa Luthor is worried about is staying out of prison. "I'm not insane and you know it," says Lex. Papa Luthor says it's sad to see a crazy person, but tragic when that person believes he's sane. "You son of a bitch," Lex whispers. Then he moves his head to try to take a bite out of Papa Luthor's finger. Papa backs away in horror. Lex yells that Papa Luthor is insane. He screams, "You did this to me!" Scream. Scream again. Lots of screaming. Lex growls and bares his teeth as Papa Luthor makes a retreat.

Now it's time for Oz, the lame, white-boy version. Tool Boy and Supernerd go to Van McNulty's room to go give him some grief. Tool Boy calls him "Ku Klux Van." Hee. Van McNulty tells the freaks to get out of his "grill." Supernerd -- offended by this profanity from another dimension -- tells McNulty to watch his mouth. Tiny, wee Tool Boy tells Van McNulty that they heard about his one-man ethnic cleansing campaign. McNulty feigns ignorance. Tool Boy picks up an animal skull of a shelf and says that McNulty was picking off Kryptofreaks like it was the first day of hunting season. "And now you're stuck in here with all us ducks. Quack quack," says Supernerd, the most ineffectual villain of all time. McNulty tries to walk away, but they stop him. Tool Boy makes him a proposition: they want to get Clark Kent, and they hear McNulty knows his weakness. Tool Boy says they want to sample "the sweet taste of revenge." Supernerd says he can leach Clark's powers and break them out. Supernerd explains how he took Clark's powers with a lightning blast, and Clark took them back with a high-voltage shock. You know, after all this time, that doesn't sound so...wait, no, it still sounds stupid. "How do I know I can trust you freaks?" McNulty asks. "The enemy of your enemy is your friend," Tool Boy says. Er...maybe he should just not talk anymore. McNulty is thinking, "Why did I get stuck with the two lamest guest villains in the history of the show?"

Metropolis flyover. Papa Luthor and Doctor Unamused are walking down a hallway when she says she's not comfortable proceeding with a procedure. Papa Luthor says he's let her do drug therapy for a month, and not only is Lex's memory intact, but he tried to escape. "I can't afford to waste any more time," says Papa Luthor, as they walk into his sleek office. Doctor Unamused says that the procedure Papa Luthor wants is draconian and only has about a 50% success rate. She says it leaves the other half with irreparable brain damage. Has Clark already had this done? "No risk. No reward," Papa Luthor tells her. Doctor Unamused is unamused. She says that performing this on someone who doesn't need it is unconscionable. Maybe she should change her name to Doctor Unconscionable. Papa says she's experimented with it before. Hey, that was back in college in the '60s. Everybody was experimenting. Papa Luthor says they had an agreement, and strongly suggests that she keep her part of it. He commands her to start the procedure immediately. The doctor is conflicted. And unamused.

The newsroom at The Torch. Chloe walks in carrying a stack of folders. She sees Clark working at her computer in the dark. She turns on a light and says that's bad for his eyes. He might only be able to start small forest fires if they were damaged. She asks what he's up to. Clark says he's trying to prove that Lex doesn't belong in Bellevue. "Bellevue"? It thought it "Belle Reve." Chloe asks what he found. Clark says he has Lex's medical records. He has what? How illegal is this? And how did he just happen to come across those records? Why isn't somebody putting Clark in handcuffs? Is anybody as outraged as I am? Clark says they're definitely drugging Lex. Who aren't they drugging at a mental institution? Chloe says that there might be lots of reasons for that. Clark says he knows, but that he's still gotta do something. Chloe says they can work on it tomorrow. For now, she has to pick up Lana. "How is Lana?" Clark asks. Doop de doo. Chloe -- who is more tousled than flippy this week -- says it's been tough, and that Lana could use some moral support. Clark says he sent a card. "Nothing says 'I love you' more than a $1.50 piece of cardboard," says Chloe. Clark says that Lana doesn't want him there, and that he's trying to keep his promise, for once. Chloe tells Clark to keep her posted on the "Free Lex front." Clark stops Chloe as she's about to leave. He just saw, hacking into the medical record as he's doing, that Doctor Unamused has recommended Lex for radical electroshock treatment. Wasn't that a sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Maybe Lex will play Riff Raff. Chloe comes over to the computer. Clark has already surmised that memory loss is a given, and that Lex could become a vegetable. What, like a cucumber? "When does this happen?" Chloe asks. "In twenty-four hours," Clark says. Yeah, in the middle of the night. The public website broadcasting that info has a countdown on it.

Shirtless boys in captivity. Van McNulty is doing arm curls in his cell. Barney comes in. "Is that my package?" McNulty asks. No, you're just happy to see him. Barney has brought him a little white box. He asks what McNulty wants with one of these rocks. McNulty opens the box. A baseball-sized piece of Kryptonite is inside. It glows faintly green. McNulty pulls some cash out of his stinky, no-sock-having loafers and hands it to Barney. If I were Barney, I'd demand money that didn't smell of feet. "Whatever floats your boat, my man," says Barney as he exits. Tool Boy, also shirtless, walks right in from a shower. He sees the meteor rock in McNulty's hands. "When Kent comes back, he's gonna have a little surprise waiting for him," says McNulty. McNulty goes and does some bench presses. Hasn't anyone learned never to do bench presses on free weights in prison? It's just an invitation for danger. Tool Boy hangs from a chin-up bar, and the camera revolves to show a little human head coming out of his back. Hey, it's Kuato! A second Jonathan Taylor Thomas emerges from the back of the first one. He's about 1/6 of the way to a Home Improvement reunion special! "You need a spot?" Tool Boy #1 asks McNulty. McNulty makes a bad move by saying he'll be ready when Clark comes, but until then, he doesn't want to pretend that he and Tool Boy are friends. Tool Boy introduces McNulty to his "better half." It's the bench press choke-down! Like we haven't seen this one before. The two of them choke McNulty with the bar, but good. "Well, you should know better than to trust a meteor freak," says Tool Boy #1. Wordy McWord. Goodbye, Van McNulty. I shall treasure your name always. You got McNullified. (tm Cyb.)

Commercials Should I mention how appropriate it is that Smallville is being sponsored by a easy macaroni products called "Easy Mac"?

More from Metropolis. Doctor Unamused walks in to a hospital room and asks what the emergency is about. A nurse standing by says she doesn't know of one. The doctor goes over to a lanky kid in a bed; the kid looks pretty out of it. Clark and Chloe show up at the door to foil the plot, Encyclopedia Brown-style. They ask if this is what she plans to do to Lex. She says that if they're there to accuse her of criminal malpractice, she'll get the facts to back herself up. Why should she? Can't she just have Papa Luthor eliminate them? Chloe asks about a lawsuit pertaining to the radical shock treatment. Unamused looks down at the boy and says that what happened to Mr. Watkins was unfortunate. But, she says, the suit was dropped. "Because Lionel Luthor paid it off," Clark says, like he's Ralph Nader. Unamused says she's busy and excuses herself. Clark asks her if she thinks Papa Luthor will just let her off the hook once the dirty deed is done. "You have all the power here, doctor," Chloe says. No, she doesn't! Chloe advises her to help Lex and herself. To be dead.

Pink Floyd Sound Effect #3. Tool Boy is pushing his cart into Lex's room. Lex is still entracalado in his metal bed cage. Tool Boy asks if he'd like a newspaper or a crossword puzzle. "What do you think?" Lex asks. Tool Boy asks what Lex does when he has an itch. Lex gives him a priceless look and says calmly, after a lengthy pause, "Get out of my face." Instead, Tool Boy comes over and drapes himself all over the metal rails. He makes Lex a proposition (like Lex doesn't get that every other hour from inmates and guards): he offers a chance for escape. Lex isn't interested -- or, at least, he acts like he isn't. Tool Boy says he needs funding. Once he's out, he needs to disappear. Too bad he's not friends with the invisible guy from "Shimmer." Lex admires the kid's moxie, but is still a little sore that Tool Boy tried to kill his friends and take his money. That always puts a crimp in any business deal. Tool Boy says he's all better now. Lex says he's happy for him. Both of him. Tool Boy taunts Lex: he says that if his brain were about to be deep-fried, he'd have a different attitude. Lex chuckles, since he doesn't know what the hell this guy is talking about. Tool Boy shows Lex a medical chart detailing his upcoming brain-sizzlin'. Lex doesn't find it so amusing anymore. Tool Boy says that if Lex wants to save his cerebrum, Lex knows where to find him.

Medical Center. Those extras earn another $100. Inside, Lana is struggling along the dual rails again, this time wearing a tight blue stretch top. I think the producers are finally going to allow Lana to have one humiliating moment per episode to placate us, and it happens here. She steps off the rail and leans forward to reach for her crutches. Folks, she falls on her damn ass. Hard. And the camera doesn't follow her, so it's like a comedy pratfall where the person drops right out of frame. I think this is supposed to make us happy. The other reason the camera is fixed at torso level is because Poor Man's West Bentley strides in, sees Lana fall, and rushes over to help. Lana explains that she was pushing through the pain. He says he noticed that she changed her therapy time. Lana says she wasn't crazy about the company. PM'sWB swears he was a nice guy once. Lana whines that nice guys usually have the most issues. Lana is stopped from walking away by what sounds like a sincere apology. But wait! Lana can't even have a spine about that. (I don't think her leg is the problem with her troubles walking.) She says that the guy is right, and that she really hasn't been pushing herself hard enough. She's afraid to face her real life once she recovers. Yawny yawn yawn. Lana brightens up and asks why PM'sWB is in PT. Lame joke about fine cuisine and post-modern décor. He admits that he tried to get into a burning building, and a beam fell on him. He was trying to save his parents, who died in the fire. Lana is suddenly concerned. And hot for him. PM'sWB says it's just time for him to move on. He uses his thick eyebrows to communicate that he's afraid of the future, too. What if they outlaw eyebrows someday?

High school. Again, lots of exterior-shot extras. The budget this year is kind. Clark is telling Pete, right in the middle of the hallway for everyone to hear, that Doctor Unamused is canceling Lex's procedure (everybody in this episode keeps calling it a "procedure"), and that she's on her way to sign the papers right now. Pete doesn't think it's a great thing, considering that Lex knows Clark's secret. Clark says he can't let them turn Lex into a vegetable just for that. Pete stops, ponders what life might be after saying just one or two lines, and decides to press ahead. "You can't trust him," Pete tells Clark in the Torch office. Clark says that Pete's never given Lex a chance. Saaaaaay! "You give him too many!" Pete barks. Jeeeeeaaaalous? Pete says he has to worry about Clark's secret every time they're around other people. It's not easy, yo! Pete says he has to say "meteor rocks" instead of "Kryptonite," and has to cover all of Clark's unexplained exits. Gee, Pete, when you put it like that, it's no wonder you barely have a line per episode. Clark apologizes for not noticing. "The point is, I got your back," Pete says. Which is great, since Clark runs so fast that anybody who has his back will be left about ten miles behind. Ah, Pete. "But Lex won't," Pete says adamantly. Chloe appears at the door. "What's wrong?" Clark asks. She tells them that Doctor Unamused is dead. Clark reacts in a very casual "aw...man!" way. Pete says he feels the invisible hand of Lionel Luthor. About the accident, too. Pete advises Clark and Chloe to back off before they get targeted . Chloe waits until Pete leaves, and then tells Clark she thinks they just made things worse. Clark says there has to be a way to stop the "procedure." Chloe says that Papa Luthor is going to make sure it happens.

Belle Reve. Clark goes in to do a man's job. He rips open the outside fence like so much crepe paper at a theme party. He superzips inside like so many fans at Streisand's last concert. He appears leaning at Lex's door like so much...well, like so much gay porn. So I've heard. Ahem. Lex looks over. Smiling, he says, "Clark. I knew you'd come." Hey, they had that in the gay porn, too. Clark rips the steel cage off Lex and tosses it aside. I honestly thought Lex would be naked under there, wearing only a little bowtie, to greet Clark. Lex gives Clark a longing "eet me free!" look. It is the Gayest Look of the Episode -- nay, the gayest look of this entire new year. And we got it started off right. Lex says that, all this time, he was right about Clark. He is a top! Clark suddenly winces and moves his eyes around all twitchily. He turns, and there's Tool Boy, holding a fistful of Kryptonite. He punches Clark in the face. Hard. Tool Boy #2 shows up, and they both set about whaling on Clark and Lex. Tool Boy #2 uses a baton while #1 sticks to the trusty Kryptofist. Why isn't Lex fighting back? Tool Boy #1 tells Clark that if it wasn't for him, he'd be at Harvard right now with a coed on each arm. Yeah, but he'd need a stool to get up there. Tool Boy #1 sticks the meteor stone inside Clark's t-shirt. Lex yells, asking what they're doing to Clark. Lex says he's not giving them a cent. Clark is his friend. Lex gets punched in the face again. Poor Lex! The Tool Boys drag Clark out of there. Lex screams at them to leave Clark alone. One of the Tool Boys says that Lex is about to get his ass fried in about five minutes. Lex tries crawling toward the door and coughs up blood instead. He slumps to the floor.

Commercials! Nothing worthy of comment. Skip, skip, skip.

It's a mental institution, but it has an electrical generator room that could power the city of Boston. Tool Boys #1 and #2 wheel Clark in on a stretcher as Supernerd is doing his mad scientist routine, adjusting dials and turbines from some hellish experiment gone...well, hellish. Supernerd says it's time for Clark to give up those powers again. "It's not like you use them anyway," he says. Does Supernerd not read the newspapers? Clark says that this will never work. If it were going to work, they would have done this in the first twenty minutes of the episode. Supernerd hooks up some jumper cables to some gnarly-looking electrical equipment. One of the Tool Boys says that there's enough juice in the room to power a third-world country. All to power those blue lights and the TV showing Looney Tunes. Clark gasps and moans as what looks like a giant green nipple pokes through his white t-shirt.

In his cell, Lex wakes up. "Clark!" he yells, and suddenly he has the strength to get up and run. He runs into the hallway, where two guys were on their way in. They grab him, just like that. Lex is tackled to the ground, again, and as he yells for Clark, Barney says he's not taking any more chances. He stabs Lex in the neck with a huge needle. Lex goes limp in a sentence I was hoping I'd never have to write.

Lana's Dojo of Walk Training. She's wearing a pink jumpsuit, and I really hope this isn't some sort of ass-backwards homage to Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. Poor Man's Wes Bentley is helping Lana along, holding her hand as she slowly walks between the rails. Lana does a little hop off the walker, and they both cheer. Lana, in pigtails, says she wouldn't have even thought this was possible a few days ago. He leans in, right into her face space, and says that sometimes you have to look impossibility right in the eyes. Like Lana's virginity, for instance. Just as things look like they might get hot, heavy, and disabled, MamaKent walks in. Lana greets her while PM'sWB looks like he just totally got cockblocked. It's not a happy expression. MamaKent says that Chloe had a late deadline and asked her to pick up Lana. PM'sWB says he's gonna go, and as he passes, MamaKent gives him an incredulous look and tells Lana that that's an interesting physical therapist. Lana nods a little, but completely ignores the comment. Lana asks how Clark is doing. She says she got his card. Meddlesome MamaKent apologizes for Clark's not coming by; Lana says that was her idea. I just noticed that the physical therapy room has huge glass doors and windows in plain view. Do people getting physical therapy, putting together the shattered pieces of their lives, really want to strain and struggle in front of windows that anyone passing by could see them through? Just wondering. MamaKent tells Lana that Clark is tough to understand sometimes, but that he never meant to put Lana in danger. Lana asks if Clark sent MamaKent. She says he didn't; Clark would be upset if he knew MamaKent was meddling. Hey, I'm upset. Lana says she wants Clark to be happy. MamaKent says that Lana needs to be happy, too. So...what? What is this conversation about? What's MamaKent trying to do here? This scene is like a subway stop. Why are we here? What's going on? Can somebody bail me out of here? Lana thanks MamaKent for nothing in particular (her benevolent blessing?). The subway car pulls back out of the station after a very boring stop.

Lex in captivity. He's bruised about the face, and chin-strapped in on a grisly-looking torture bed. His head is a conduit for wires and plates. An older-looking doctor is making diode adjustments. "Please. I'll pay you whatever you want," whimpers Lex. He tells the doctor that he'll never have to work another day in his life. "He doesn't want your money, son," says a certain Magnificent Bastard, who has been lurking in the shadows in his bastardous fashion. "He wants to make it better," says Papa Luthor. It looks like this procedure (fine, I'm calling it that too, now) is taking place in a spaceship escape pod. Papa Luthor tells Lex to be strong. "Liar!" growls Lex. Papa Luthor says he's sorry as Lex struggles and the doctor shoves a mouthguard into Lex's maw. Papa Luthor says he didn't want it to come to this. He says that if it was a gangrenous limb, they could just amputate. But that brain, ah the brain...it's infinitely more complex. Lex tries to say "don't do this" through his mouthpiece. Overhead shot of Lex flailing. The current begins.

We dissolve to Clark on his stretcher, and the way it was superimposed on Lex's scene, it almost could have been a 69. Almost. Supernerd is getting impatient to get started. He asks Tool Boy where his better half went. Tool Boy, buttoning up his scrubs, says it's easier to break two people out than three. Supernerd takes out the Kryptonite and holds it between his and Clark's hands. Tool Boy throws a huge, unlabeled lever on the wall. Green lightning, electricity, sparks.

We cut to Lex's brain-fry room. The lights suddenly go out. Papa Luthor asks what's happening. The doctor says they don't have any power. Papa tells him to fix it.

Back in the powers-switching room, Supernerd and Clark are both thrown backward, and land on the floor. Supernerd tosses his glasses aside, and we hear them shatter. What, no CGI shatter effect for that? Supernerd and Tool Boy hover over Clark. "Feel any different?" asks Tool Boy. Supernerd flexes his hand and answers that by casually tossing Clark across the room. Not only did he steal Clark's powers, he also stole the "whoosh!" sound effect. Clark lands on a big metal box that crumples, even under his now-normal body. Close-up on Clark's face. His cheek is bleeding. Supernerd zips over, picks up Clark, and welcomes him to normalcy. He slides Clark across the floor toward some bowling pin-like tubes of compressed gas. Clark should be dead by now with all this head trauma. Instead, he just moans. Supernerd stalks over to inflict more revenge, but Tool Boy tries to stop him and says that they need to get out of there. The two start arguing like the little prison bitches they are, while Clark eyes the Kryptonite rock on the floor to him. "We're a team. I thought we were friends," pleads Tool Boy. "There's no such thing as friends in here," says Supernerd. He gives Tool Boy the back of his hand, sending him flying through a sheet-metal column. Clark grabs the Kryptonite and yells, "Hey! Izzat all you got?" Supernerd punches a metal column, just to show he can dent it, and then rushes over to offer Clark a special deal on All New Pain. Clark holds up the Kryptonite like he's Van Helsing with a cross. Supernerd winces. "Who's afraid to use their [sic] powers now?" Clark asks. These guys really need to go to Witty Retort Academy. Clark shoulder-tackles Supernerd into a big electric box, and sparks fly. There's green-glowing lightning. I think it's time for a superpower withdrawal. Clark throws the convenient lever to him.

Lex's procedure room. The juice comes back on, and Lex screams. His body shakes and bucks.

Clark tosses the Kryptonite rock like a soiled wine glass.

More Lex flailing. Papa Luthor and the doctor watch, concerned. Lex's eyes are wide and staring. The electrical current finally stops. "I don't know what happened," says the doctor. Nice. "Again," Papa Luthor says. The doctor advises that they should wait, since the equipment is acting flaky. "Do it," Papa Luthor commands, "again!" Wow. Bastard! The doctor flips a tiny switch, and Lex gets the shakes again.

Electricity room. Clark and Supernerd gaze at each other with hatred. Clark wipes away the blood from his cheek, where his wound has healed. "Tell me where Lex is!" demands Clark. Supernerd won't.

Lex's shakes get weaker and weaker. The machine stops, and Lex's eyes are closed and twitchy. Things aren't looking for our sexy man about town. Papa Luthor comes closer to his son's glowing body. The doctor removes the mouthguard. "Lex? Son?" says Papa Luthor.

In the hallway, Clark is superzipping toward Lex's torture room. He watches through the glass windows (again with windows?) as Papa Luthor says, "It's over." Close-up on Lex's twitchy eyes. Clark thinks, "I am gonna kick that Supernerd's ass, just for the hell of it."

Commercials. Ashton Kutcher has figured out a way to travel back in time. He's going to get with Demi Moore when she was twenty-five.

Poor Man's Wes Bentley is lying in a hospital bed and reading The Midwich Cuckoos, a book by John Wyndham about aliens coming to a small town and impregnating all the women, who then have Stepford-like children. Interesting. Lana comes in for a visit. She's got a pick-a-nick basket. PM'sWB asks if he's hallucinating: She's not using crutches. Lana says it's amazing what you can do when somebody's cracking a whip over your head. Oh, yes, Lana, please tell us all about slavery. Lana asks if PM'sWB is all right. He shows her the IV plugged into his hand and says he gets dehydrated from time to time. Shit, try some Gatorade, man! Lana walks around the bed, using a cane, and says she brought some desserts. She and PM'sWB flirt. He holds her hands and says he guesses this is goodbye. Lana says that just because her therapy is over doesn't mean she won't come back and visit. Why exactly is he still admitted? It sounded like he's been there for months, and nothing physical seems to be wrong. PM'sWB says he's a guy from a painful time in Lana's life; who'd want to be reminded of that? He severely underestimates Lana's ability to wallow. Lana turns the tables in predictable fashion and says that maybe PM'sWB isn't willing to push through the pain. PM'sWB says he likes Lana, but that he gets the feeling there's somebody else. He doesn't want to be caught in the middle. Hey, I hear the subway! Lana says that there's nothing to be caught in the middle of. With Lana it's more like being surrounded on every side in a pity party/gangbang. Lana says she's not ready to jump into another relationship. PM'sWB says he doesn't want to be a Rebound Boy. But he does want friendship. And friendship nookie. He and Lana agree to be friends. Friends who hold hands.

Stately (but sad) Luthor Manor. Lemonade is served at the bar as Clark walks in. He's led in by a sad, stocky Asian man in an Asian Houseboy outfit. Without a word, Lex beckons Clark to enter. Clark asks Lex how he's doing. He says he's actually feeling great. He holds Clark's hands. "Never better," he says. Lex, neutered, says that Clark came to visit him at the asylum, and he wasn't a very cordial host. "If that's true. I'm sorry," says Lex. Clark looks pained. He asks if Papa Luthor told Lex why he was committed. Lex says he was told he had a psychotic break, stemming from his island trauma, and that he's glad his father recognized it in time. LobotoLex! Nooooo! Clark says he's glad, too. Lex asks if there was something Clark wanted to tell him. Clark says there wasn't. Check it out: Lex is totally faking and giving Clark a chance to reveal his secret on his own. When he doesn't, Lex is going to be on the Highway to Hate. But then you probably already guessed that. Clark says it's good to have Lex back. He starts to walk away. Lex stops him by saying there is one thing he'll never forget. "What's that?" Clark asks. "How important your friendship is to me," Lex says. Awwww. Lex gives Clark a half-closed-eyes hug. Clark gives in to the healing power of the HoYay. It's delicious.

Kent Farm kitchen. MamaKent puts her hand on Clark's and says she's sorry. Clark looks really bitter. Bo says that Lex is all right, and that Clark's secret is safe. Yeah, but he lost The Sexy. What in the world is worth that? Clark is mad that Papa Luthor got away with murder if Lex was right. Clark doesn't see what the point would have been of telling Lex, post-recovery. Bo says he doesn't want Clark and Chloe to "take up this charge." As if he's in a whole different show or movie, Clark says, "Someone's gotta make Lionel Luthor pay for his crime." Bo says that someone will, but not today. Bo says it's shitty, but that there are people out there more powerful than Clark. Clark sighs, nods, and walks away. He mopes over to the living room. Hey, now would be a perfect time to talk about love! MamaKent takes her cue and goes over to her broken-hearted son. Clark says he envies Lex: He seems so happy. Clark says he wishes he could erase the last few months of his life. MamaKent puts her arm around Clark and says she heard they're having a Welcome Back party for Lana. Ew. She advises Clark to go. "You never quit, do you?" asks Clark. MamaKent says it's called Tough Love. I call it hella annoying.

Papa Luthor is at a laptop, watching some security footage from when Clark went to visit Lex at Belle Reve. You can faintly hear Lex say the word "secret." Papa Luthor keeps rewinding and watching, but he can't make out the audio. "Why didn't you show me this sooner?" Papa Luthor asks a lackey in a white shirt and tie. The guy says he's been working to enhance the audio all week. Papa Luthor yells in frustration. He's not pleased. The camera pulls back within Papa's office as he continues trying to decipher the muddled sound from the security-camera clip.

Oh, crappy, strummy alt-rock. How I sort of didn't miss you during the long holiday break. Clark walks in to The Talon, where a banner reads, "Welcome Home Lana." Who threw the party? Chloe? People we don't know are milling about. Clark walks in hesitantly. Everything is slow motion. The song, by Staind, grates. Clark sees Lana talking to Chloe and Pete. They're talking and laughing. Clark is "so far away." Blegh. Clark sees Lana's leg brace and her cane as she walks toward him. Lana spots Clark. Long stares. A blonde girl starts talking to Lana, and she effectively ignores Clark and walks off. Clark takes the hint and slow-motion-walks his ass out of there. Long shot of Lana looking sad. Because even when it's a whole episode about Lex, it's really just about Lana. And don't you fucking forget it.

week: Clark becomes Blind Lemon Wuss. Will he still be able to love?