Magnetic

This one's not very good either, folks. Let's just hunker down and get through it.

We open on a drum roll on audio and a loop-de-loopy roller coaster on video. We follow the roller coaster as it loops, and I get all schmoopy about wanting to go to an amusement park. In mid-November. We cut straight to a band on a Lowell County Fair stage with a merry-go-round behind them. Who are these dork munchers? They're playing easy-listening lite teen roc,k and one of them can't even be bothered to stand: The dude in the blue shirt is playing one of those weak Beach Boys horizontal guitar-looking things. Already, I hate them. Somebody's holding up what looks like a naked Pooh bear in the audience. Get some clothes on that mammal! The lead singer of The Dork Munchers sings about a picture on the wall while his blond soul-patched lead guitarist (does two earrings mean you suck or that you blow?) is nodding along like it's the wisdom of the ages. Other people in the audience are half-heartedly throwing their hands in the air. Who let the zombies out?

Cut to somebody shaking a heavy-looking snow globe like the one that smacked the stuffing out of that guy's skull in Unfaithful, only this one has green meteor rocks in it. "Smallville Meteor Capital of the World!" the globe reads at its base. Inside are cows, corn, and a barn. Lana, who's sort of a pink rosebud herself, is disgusted with herself for shaking the globe. "How tasteless is this?" she asks. You mean that pink shirt and blue jacket? Yeah, Lana. You blend. She says she thinks those are real meteor rocks in the snow globe. Chloe is standing to her, and says it's the American version of closure: you can only get over your grief when you figure out how to market your tragedy. week on Smallville: Lana introduces "Smush'ems," a new panini pastry dedicated to her dead parents. "Ooh, cotton candy!" Chloe says suddenly, leading Lana away from the shelves o' meteor globes. Chloe buys Lana some cotton candy. In some countries, that would mean they're married. Lana whines to Chloe that sometimes she just wants to get away from all this. Carnies, cotton candy, roller coasters: it's just all so depressing isn't it, Lana? Go bleat somewhere else. Lana says she'd like to do what Clark did and just leave it all behind. Chloe says they almost got through the day without mentioning their "favorite farm boy." Lana says she didn't mean to "throw a wet towel" over their "girls' day out." Is Lana forty-six years old? Chloe says she's going to state something obvious: Clark's not dating Lana was his loss, not Lana's. Chloe's looking awfully good today. She's got more makeup on, and Lana's got less. It sorta works.

Somebody calls Lana's name. It's a pretty normal-looking kid in a red vest. Wait, is he a carnie? I don't trust this kid all of a sudden. You've seen Carnivale. Them people ain't right. The guy invites Lana to come show off her arm. Oooohhh...elbow fetish. He invites Lana to amaze and astound her friends. I think Lana's mere appearance on the show week after week continues to amaze and astound all of us. Lana eats some cotton candy (now she's pink on the inside, too) and comes over. The carnival guy tells Lana and Chloe that the game is rigged. Lana couldn't give two shits. No, seriously. Look at her tiny little body. One is about all she's physically capable of. The guy tells Lana and Chloe that there are magnets that rig the game. He tells Lana just to get close, and he'll give her a prize. Chloe laugh/barks strangely. Lana asks if he won't get in trouble. The kid says it's the last day of the fair: "What're they gonna do?" What a rebel! Chloe moves aside and says she rests her case. Huh? What case? Seth, the carnival kid, is Lana's lab partner. There's already one Seth on TV whom I'm hopelessly in love with, so we're going to call this dweeb Carn-Evil. You know he's a Krypto-freak-of-the-week already. Why fight it? Chloe says that the guy has also had a crush on Lana since forever. All right, show of hands: who in the town doesn't have a crush on Lana? No, Lex, you don't have to participate. I already know about you. Chloe mentions that Carn-Evil used to spell out Lana's name with spaghetti. They both have a huge laugh at the guy's expense after he just offered to hook Lana up with a carnival prize. Nice. Lana says that was in sixth grade, and now Seth's into, like, cars, comics and GameCubes. What's wrong with that? At least he has hobbies, ya bland, lame she-mistress of blah. Don't be raggin' on my GameCube, woman. You'll incite The Wrath of O. (And possibly of Glark. ["Everyone in my household would get in on that wrath, actually. Super Monkey Ball 4-Eva!" -- Wing Chun]) Lana asks what she and Seth have in common.

As Lana and Chloe keep munching on cotton candy, some burly biker-looking dude takes a swing at (from what I've gathered) a game where a ball floats a foot up on a cushion of air and you have to knock it off. How would magnets affect that? I guess the ball you throw and the ball in the air could have opposing magnets. That sorta makes sense, I guess. It's still bullshit. I'm not sure how, but I just feel like calling "bullshit" early on. Chloe tells Lana that the boy is cute, at least. She tells Lana to expand her horizons and go for it. Chloe has been taking Bo Duke's Study-At-Home Platitude Workshop Course. It's $19.95. And it's not going to just study itself. Lana picks up a ball and aims. She misses miserably. Laughs. Chloe and Lana are giggling like they just got high on Lana's fabric softener. "Aim. Aim," Chloe advises. "I am aiming!" Lana says. Lana gives up. Lame! Lame! Carn-Evil goes and grabs a meteor globe and gives it to Lana anyway "for a fine effort." He puts his hand on Lana's as she takes the globe. The rough biker dude and his biker bitch (she looks like Phoebe Buffay's evil sister (and no, not Ursula)) are like, "Hey, what the fuck?" Lana hesitates to accept the globe. "You...don't like it?" Carn-Evil asks. Lana's never direct, so she doesn't answer. The biker dude, who has a mullet-mohawk from hell, says he'll take it. Homeboy is huge! Carn-Evil tells the guy that he has to win first. "Oh. Yeah, like her?" the guy asks with very justifiable carnival rage. Why not just give him a globe, too? There are, like, fifty of them. Carn-Evil tells Biker Butch that he should leave. Biker Butch steps over the counter and gets in Carn-Evil's face. This guy has the same earrings as the guitarist from The Dork Munchers. Lana offers the globe and tells the dude to leave Carn-Evil alone. Biker Butch won't leave it alone: He asks if Carn-Evil is going to let a chick do his fighting for him. Shit, I would. Except there's been no fighting. The biker dude calls Carn-Evil a punk and asks what he's got. Well, apparently, all he's got is a mild shove. He pushes Biker Butch into the prizes and leaps the counter, running through the crowd. The Biker guy carefully carries the globe as he gives chase, promising to rip Carn-Evil apart. Lana tells Chloe to call Security. "Security"? You're not at The White House, Lana.

Chasing through the crowd. I wish I were hearing Benny Hill music instead of The Dork Munchers Wanna Be With You. "I said baby, you're amazing," the lyrics say. Fuckin' poetry. More running through the crowd. Carn-Evil pushes through the crowd, but Biker Butch caught up with him. He smashes the meteor globe on Carn-Evil's head. Aren't those things usually made of plastic now? The band stops playing as people crowd in to see what happened. The lead singer is all, "Man, screw this. From now on, no more county fairs. Starting today, we only play gigs at skating rinks!" Carn-Evil spits out some globe water, and maybe teeth. There are little meteor rocks all over the place. We CGI inside Carn-Evil's forehead, where the green rocks are flying like Bruce Willis as sperm in Look Who's Talking. They mix in with the red blood cells (and provide their own sound effects) and we promptly zoom back out of the guy's forehead before we get a Clearasil animation. Lana shows up and calls for help. Doesn't she have a cell phone? Carn-Evil breathes hard and then falls unconscious.

The cold blue steel of an MRI machine. Carn-Evil is stuffed in between head cushions, and his neck is strapped in. He's got little strips across his gashed forehead. A voice tells him to relax and not to move. Carn-Evil says he's feeling a little claustrophobic. The voice says that's normal, and that the MRI is about to start. The machine begins its scan, and there's a knocking sound. The technician says that's just the magnetic fields being activated. Suddenly, some electrical effects start to happen around Carn-Evil's neck and head. He starts to scream. Outside the MRI, the computer shows what doesn't look like a very normal scan of a brain. More electricity. Carn-Evil calls for help. The technician is scared: he runs toward the MRI, but a blast of something invisible knocks him against a back wall. More electricity. A doctor comes in and sees what's going on. He unplugs the machine. Everything goes off. The doctor calls for a nurse. He pulls Carn-Evil out of the MRI on the sliding slab. Carn-Evil takes off his neck strap. Lana appears at the door. "I need some help in here, stat!" calls the doctor. Lana is somehow just allowed to waltz right into the room. She goes to Carn-Evil and asks what happened. He's all sweaty. He puts his hand on Lana. Some green electricity is exchanged. Lana smiles. "Chloe was right," she says. "You really are cute." Riddled with fresh cancer, but cute. That was a long intro! I'm already winded.

Opening credits. Michael Rosenbaum is still getting third billing. It's just not right.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex walks down the hallway pursued by the Crusty Old Investigator he hired to dig up dirt on his family. "TB records?" Lex asks. For a second, it sounded like he was going to say, "Teabagging?" Lex throws down the records just inside his office and bitches that he asked for information about the tenement fire that killed his grandparents, not information about his dad's immunizations. Crusty P.I. says that these things take time. "Yeah, when you bill by the hour," Lex says. Nice dig, Lex; you should play volleyball. Crusty P.I. says it's not the records that are important, it's who's accessed them. Crusty's not the only one looking into Lex's family history. Lex examines the list. Below Dr. D. Farnell, Dr. M. Poss, Liz Doyle, Melanie Williams, Louis Solyom, Behjat Benam (bend it like Behjat Benam!), and Dr. Allison Dunn is the name "Chloe Sullivan," looking up info on "Lionel Luthor." Lex does a Mona Lisa smile, indicating that his investigative itch has been scratched.

Smallville Medical Center. Beat 'em up, we'll patch 'em up. Carn-Evil is in a hospital bed. He's got Jell-O. I like Jell-O. Carn-Evil focuses his energy on the Jell-O and makes the spoon in it wiggle and levitate. This is what I've been waiting for: a villain with supernatural command of gelatin. Carn-Evil loses his concentration on the spoon just as Lana walks into his room without knocking. "Hey!" she announces. She brought Clark with her, because you always bring along your ex when you're visiting a boy with a crush on you. It's in The Rules, I think. "Either you're feeling really excited about your Jell-O or you're feeling a lot better," Lana says. Trust us: it's the Jell-O. He says he feels great. Lana says that the cut on his forehead looks "amazing." And those shingles? FABulous! His cut does seem to have healed quite a bit. Clark says that the MRI machine is "TKO." Groan. Lana asks if they know what happened. Carn-Evil says he thinks it had something to do with the magnetic field. He says it must have just been an old machine. The crazy MRI guy who's demanding they add him to the Nobel Prize list busts in and says that this episode is a "shameful wrong that must be righted!" Carn-Evil apologizes for ruining Lana's day at the fair, and thanks her for bringing him the hospital. He didn't get an ambulance? Lana was happy to help. It was on her way to her favorite clothing store, In The Pink. Carn-Evil looks at Clark. Deciding that there's no threat there, he asks Lana out. He says he wants to thank her, and asks if he can take her out sometime. Clark's eyebrows lower to Cro-Magnon level. Lana shakes her head and says Carn-Evil doesn't have to take her out. Clark's relieved. Carn-Evil grabs Lana's hand, and a little green electricity is exchanged. Does he have a Lifesaver Wint-O-Green in his hand? Lana changes her mind. "How about tonight?" she asks. Dude's in a hospital bed. Are you going to have a date at the medical-center cafeteria? Clark is shocked, and shows it by having no facial expression at all.

Hospital hallway. Clark is leaving. Lana asks what's the rush. Lana asks if Clark is upset that Carn-Evil asked her out. No. It's fantastic. He's going to go build a fan site. Lana says that's great, because the last time she checked, she and Clark were just friends. Friends who spend every minute of the day together and act out the epilogue for every episode this season. Friends. Clark moves his head around with ennui, and then says it's really no problem. Good, ya selfish bastid. Clark says he has to go. Lana watches him go, her face full of something like emotion.

Hospital room. Carn-Evil raises his hand and urges a metal cart to come toward him. "Come to me, cart! Bring forth your shelved items! Soothe me with balms and salves! I rule!" It rolls. Carn-Evil is like, "Cool!" Please spare us the web ejaculation scene from Spider-Man.

Kent refrigerator. We get an icebox's-eye view of Clark opening the door and staring balefully at a single slice of cherry pie. Oh yeah. Clark's my cherry pie. Tastes so good make a grown man cry. (And of course, that man is Lex.) Bo walks in the kitchen door and stares at Clark, thinking, "What is that boy doing do that pie? My God!" Bo kisses MamaKent on the head in greeting. MamaKent is arranging some flowers. Bo says there must be something wrong if Clark stuck his head in the fridge and didn't eat the last slice of cherry pie. Hee. I get Twin Peaks warm fuzzies. Clark says it's just Lana. The thought of her turns his stomach to all pies of cherry. Clark says that Carn-Evil asked Lana out, and that Lana said yes so fast it gave Clark whiplash. That statement is wrong for about five different reasons. Bo pulls out his worn copy of Platitudes For Dummies Who Are Also Platitude Experts and says that jealousy is a tough emotion. "Dad, I'm not jealous!" Clark yells. Clark's just embroiled in hormonal miscarriages of relationship anxiety and a dread sense of his own lack of mortality. Or something. Clark says that maybe he's a little jealous, but the dude asked Lana out right in front of him. He's not part of your posse, Clark. Clark can't believe she'd say yes. "Clark," Bo says, rearing back his hand to give Clark the back of it in parental smackdown, "you can't have it both ways." Not unless Lex and a dwarf are involved. Bo says that if Clark won't go out with Lana, she's free to go out with whomever she wants. And when she turns eighteen, she can vote too, and maybe even become a doctor. All kinds of things have changed for women! Clark doesn't like that one bit. MamaKent says he just has to accept it. Clark nods sadly. Thus wisdom has been passed down in a painful and humiliating fashion.

The office of The Torch. Chloe is looking at some proofs with a magnifier on a light table. She greets somebody walking in by saying she's glad he could show up, not that Clark operates on the same speed as the rest of the world. Except it's not Clark. Lex has paid Chloe a visit. "Interesting observation," he says. He's wearing a zip-up jacket and a dark purple shirt. Nice. Chloe immediately says that Clark's not there. Lex says he's there to see Chloe. He knows about her checking into his dad. Snoopers check in, but they don't check out. Chloe licks her lips. Lex says that her name was on a Metropolis county records log. Why didn't Chloe cover her tracks better? She could have called herself Honey West or Sprinkle Talulah or Wendy Jo Sperber. Chloe tries to play it off all casual, drinking her coffee and saying she's just doing a story for the high-school paper. Lex asks whether the story involves obscure childhood medical records. Those are public? Chloe says she's just being thorough. "The mark of a good reporter," Lex says. Lex says that Chloe is a good reporter -- so good that Papa Luthor pulled strings to make her the youngest columnist in the history of The Daily Planet. Chloe's fed up. She asks what he wants. Lex just wonders why a high-school reporter is digging so deep into his father's past. Chloe gulps. Lex says he'll ask Papa Luthor at dinner. Chloe tells Lex to go ahead; the only way he could have found out about this is if he was digging up dirt himself. Well played, Sullivan. Well played. Lex says that at least he's prepared for what he might find: "I'm not so sure you know what you've gotten yourself into." Please. Chloe's dealt with nasty Kryptonite freaks on a weekly basis. Long dramatic pause. Lex exits.

The Talon at night. Outside, the marquee reads, "Smallville's Best Cappuccino." Inside, Lana is filling sugar containers from what looks like an ice bucket. The things Lana does at The Talon are going to get more and more random as the show goes on. By Season Five, she's going to be cleaning the grease traps with a feather duster. Clark approaches her and apologizes. Ah, gah, damn. One of those scenes. Clark admits that he was bothered by Lana's getting asked out. He just came to tell Lana he killed Carn-Evil, and he hopes she'll tell no one. Clark says he has to get used to the idea that Lana will be dating other people. Lana ducks her head and walks away, giving her back to Clark as she tells him she didn't mean for that to happen in front of him. Tiny shovel, sugar. Lana's brow furrows, and she says she doesn't even know why she agreed to go out with Carn-Evil. Must be MRI pity. Lana says maybe she was just subconsciously trying to make Clark jealous. Even in her subconscious, Lana is an asshole. Clark does a funny strutting walk over to Lana and says, "So you're not really into him?" Hey, Lana, how you doin'? Lana says that the guy is nice enough, but that there's no sparks. I have a special CBS news bulletin for Lana from Dan Rather. Take it away, Dan: "Scientists reported today that Lana Lana couldn't generate sparks with another character if she had a mountain of flint and a truckload of steel. Thank you and goodnight." Lana mentions, by the way, that Carn-Evil is about to pick her up. Clark says that he knows it's none of his business, but that if she doesn't feel "that way" about Carn-Evil, she shouldn't lead him on. Oh, give me just a tiny jagged piece of a candy bar called "A Break." Clark and Lana have been leading each other on in circles like blind Clydesdales for two and a half seasons now. Lana gives Clark a stern look just as Carn-Evil shows up and asks if Lana is ready to go. Lana seems surprised to see her date, even though she was expecting him. She says that maybe they should sit down. Carn-Evil gives Clark the over-the-shoulder stink-eye as Lana leads him to a table.

The table scene. Lana doesn't know how to say this, but, "aboot." She also tells Carn-Evil that she can't go out with him. She's sorry. He says it's no problem. He says that she's always so busy. As he gets up and gets closer to Lana, he says she deserves to take a break. He puts his hand on her shoulder. Green electricity flows as Clark watches. Carn-Evil says that Lana deserves to have fun. One Jedi Mind Trick later, Lana agrees to go. "I'd love to go out with you," she says. Lana asks one of the waitresses to cover for her. Take the sugar bucket with honor. Carn-Evil gives Clark another over-the-shoulder glance as they leave.

The County Fairgrounds at night. Lana and Carn-Evil are holding hands. Lana asks what they're doing there: the fair is closed for the season. Carn-Evil says they don't take the rides away for a few more days. There's a locked gate. Lana asks how they're getting in. Carn-Evil tells Lana to turn around: it's a surprise. He puts his fists together in some stupid "I got the power!" pose, and the lock on the gate breaks. The gate swings open. Lana asks how he did that. He says that the no-peeking rule wasn't very clear. He asks if she can keep a secret. He tells Lana about his strange new powers. We see Clark following Lana and Carn-Evil into the fairgrounds. Lana asks Carn-Evil if he can do this magnet thing all the time. He responds by making the ferris wheel light up. "Only when I concentrate," he says. He asks if he's scaring Lana. She says that maybe, in the past, he would have, but now she thinks it's kinda cool. Mag-Neato! He thanks Lana for not thinking he's a freak. Lana thanks him for being honest. Carn-Evil uses his hand to move the switch on the ferris wheel. It begins to spin. He stops the wheel so that they can get on. "You're amazing," Lana purrs.

Lana and Carn-Evil get on the ferris wheel. Why is it that last week, the ferris wheel ride onThe O.C. made for a great scene, but on this show, it's just lame? Carn-Evil and Lana giggle. He puts an arm around her. They ride backward. They both agree that they love this ride. Lana says it reminds her that there's a world beyond Smallville, and that she's going to leave one day. Soon! Make it soon! Carn-Evil says he's always thought that he and Lana had a connection. Lana is noncommittal until Carn-Evil gives her the old green jolt. Then she's ready to kiss. They do so. Clark runs up to the ferris wheel after hopping a little fence. On the wheel, Lana says, "Yeah, me too. I never realized it was this strong." Carn-Evil uses his magnetic powers to start taking down Lana's zipper. She gasps. He apologizes. He says he'll stop. The wheel suddenly stops. Lana cries out that Carn-Evil is crazy. She's all giggly, but Clark down below thinks she's screaming in panic. He starts to move the wheel manually. More giggling and squealing. Lana tells Carn-Evil that he's causing her to get nauseated. But she's still giggling.

Clark pulls Lana and Carn-Evil down to ground level. Lana asks Clark what he's doing there. He says he heard screaming and thought she was in trouble, so he pulled the switch. "What switch? I didn't hear the motor go off," she says. Carn-Evil asks Clark if he always comes to the fair when it's closed. Do you? Lana asks Clark if he followed her. She asks if he's stalking her. How annoying. Lana didn't seem to mind when he was using a telescope to do that. Carn-Evil tells Clark to find a new hobby and leads Lana away. Still within earshot, Carn-Evil asks Lana if she actually dated that loser. "Yeah," she says and laughs. They should just rename this show The Town With All The Assholes. Commercials.

Gah: WB promo with Kristin Kreuk and her signature. The WB frog looks like he's going to purge.

Why is President Palmer trying to sell me insurance?

The shiny new Smallville High School, "Home of the Crows Crows" sign. With a crow on it. Two, even. This sign is all convoluted. Inside, Carn-Evil is shutting his locker without actually touching it. Show-off. Clark, standing right to him, says, "Nice trick." Carn-Evil asks if Clark has anything better to do than to follow him around. What, you didn't feel a connection? A connection that dare not speak its name in high school? Clark asks if Carn-Evil can control metal objects. Yeah, so? Clark asks if he has some sort of hold over Lana, too. Carn-Evil says that Lana's not made out of metal. Wood, more like. He pats Clark on the bicep and walks on. Clark says he doesn't know how Carn-Evil is doing it, but that he's not going to let Carn-Evil force Lana to be with him. Carn-Evil says he's a persuasive guy, Lana's on the rebound, and Clark blew it. Clark stands in front of him. "She's not into you," he says. Why does Clark care? He really just ought to go back to Metropolis and pick up some honeys there. Carn-Evil says that Lana's all he's ever thought about (must be a limited thought process); he's got her, and that Clark's just going to have to deal with it. Clark warns him to stay away from Lana. Carn-Evil issues a warning retort: he tells Clark to stay away from him and Lana. He says that Clark doesn't know what he's capable of. If he can stand to be around Lana for hours, who knows what crazy powers he's got! Carn-Evil lifts his arms and then swats them down, and every locker in the hallway closes. Carn-Evil walks past Clark.