Let's Do The Time Warp Again

S03E06

By Omar G

The year was 1961. The Mesopotamian Empire had fallen. Hitler was dead. (Or was he?) Cell phones weren't popular yet, but in two short years, conspiracy theorists would have a whole new reason to go on living. In short, it was the best of years, it was the blurst of years. Hemlines were crazy and apple pie was tasty. Kansas had mountains.

Oh, you know that song with the twangy surf guitar that sounds real languid that they were using in the promos for this episode? They'd better not ruin that song for me. That's all I'm sayin'.

We open on the exterior of a beige prison. The color beige is a prison, girlfriend. (Snaps, snaps, snaps, to my fashionistas.) You can hear a buzzer/alarm sound in the distance. Nobody's in the parking lot. Wait, a car is pulling up! But we cut away before I can see who it is. I was kind of hoping it would be that Karen Sisco chick. (Growwwwwl.) Inside, in the hospital wing, somebody's doing paperwork. I know I'm truly in a sort of prison for men, because I hear a voice that breaks through the beige: The Pink Preternatural. She's telling an old man lying in a hospital bed that nobody in her family ever talked about a woman named Louise, her great-aunt, except that she died young. The old man says he bets they never mentioned that she had a husband. to the old man, someone else has an oxygen mask on and is lying on his or her side, as if this is storytime. Tell Frank Booth a story, mommy! Lana stares right into the camera (Gah! You made me jump!) and says she doesn't blame her relatives. After all, she says, the old man was convicted of the aunt's murder. Ah yes, murder. That most dangerous thing that's not really a game. "Yeah," the old man wheezes. He's got a tube in his nose. Lana asks why the guy waited all these years to write to Lana. He says that Aunt Nell asked him not to. No fair using Aunt Nell in the show if we're never going to see her again. Lana says she doesn't want to be rude (she'll just be whiny, lame, and coy), but that she doesn't know what the old man wants her to do, even if she believed his story. The old man looks a little like the great Dick Miller from Gremlins. I'm happy to report that he's also in the new Looney Toons movie. Go Dick Miller! Poor Man's Dick Miller -- who's doing a rich man's acting job -- tearfully says he just wanted someone in Louise's family to know that he's not the man who killed her. Lana is thinking, "Yes, but what does this have to do with me? ME ME ME ME ME ME ME PINK ME PINK!"

Cut to an extreme close-up of a pistol firing. Outside what look like Japanese sliding doors on the side of a barn, a tractor sits. A young man runs out of a house and calls out, "Louise!" He sees a dude in a leather jacket run out of the barn. The young man looking for Louise runs into the barn. "It was forty-two years ago, but I can still hear those shots," Poor Man's Dick Miller says in a voice-over. The young man picks up the gun from the hay-littered ground. He sees a young woman's body lying on the ground, bloody of torso. He holds her and says her name. A man in uniform walks up. In voice-over, the old man says that Sheriff Tate arrived and found him with his dead wife in his arms. Tell him it was the one-armed man! Hey, he's holding what looks like Lana in his arms. Well, if he did kill her, I can certainly see a jury finding him not guilty. "What have you done?" Old Timey Sheriff asks. Young Dick Miller Husband Guy is in tears. He says he swears that's what happened that night. The Lana look-alike is still dead.

By Omar G

We flash back to the present. The old man says that he saw Lana's picture in the paper and noticed a strong resemblance to Louise. Lana is holding an old newspaper showing her great-aunt. "Local beauty murdered," the old Smallville Ledger front-page headline reads. It figures that, even back then, Lana was only admired for her looks. An old photo makes her look like a skinny Frida Kahlo. The old man says that if Lana's anything like Louise (poor guy, being married to that), she'll be the one person who'll understand. Lana asks who killed her, if not him. He says it was the man who was leaving the barn in the leather jacket. A drifter. But that guy had two arms! Lana stares at the newspaper. A police sketch shows a man with pouty lips and nice cheekbones, and a necklace that bears a crest-shaped small medallion. It's got a symbol on it that looks like an 8. Yep, it's sort of Clark with a butch haircut. Opening credits. They should have swapped the song for "The Power Of Love" this week.

Who the fuck is this "Can you hear me now?" jackhole? They let him on the Smallville set, but not me? That tractor seriously needs to run him over. He is a child of the corn. Oh -- go see Elf. It's funny.

Kent Farm. Where the windmills are powered by good-old American grade-A wind. (Which Bo Duke breaks often and pleasingly.) Lana has taken her newspaper to Clark, who asks what happened to the drifter in the police sketch. Lana says they never caught him. But now he plays guitar in Radiohead under the name "Johnny Greenwood." Lana says that people assumed the old man made up stories. Oh, come on, when do old people ever make up stories? Lana believes him, though: because, why would he lie now? Good logic! Overturn that conviction! Clark says that murderers spend half their day trying to convince people they're innocent. Take it from Clark, the murderer. Lana says that the picture looks just like Clark, so there's a good chance the drifter was real. It's a sketch, Lana! Lana says that the drifter could have been Clark's grandfather. Or his father. Clark says that's impossible. Lana says that Clark must have come from somewhere. She says it's not like he just fell out of the sky. That's like that joke that ends with the punchline where the doctor says, "What have you been doing, eating the suppositories?" and the guy with the bad English says, "What the fuck do you think I've been doing, shoving them up my ass?!" Well, fine, the joke doesn't really match, but I still like it. The music of sad misunderstanding plays until Clark notices the little crest on the police sketch with the weird "8" symbol on it. The screech of Karmic Dissonance plays. Then, very dramatic music. Lana is like, "Hey! Clark! I'm over here! You can end the scene looking at me, can't you? Helloooooo?"

Instead, we go The Caves of Plot Contrivance. Osama is still hiding here. Clark and Bo point their flashlights to the ceiling, where the camera is mounted, being careful not to cross the streams. Clark says he thinks that the person in the police sketch was Jor-El. "From 1961?" Bo says. How lame is it that instead of using the actual episode title, "Relic," they kept calling this episode, "1961," even on The WB site? Well, then again, "Relic" isn't so hot a name either. Is the "Relic" supposed to be the old man? Clark says that the walls (and his Hollywood inside sources) tell him that Kryptonians have been to Earth before. Why not his dad? Bo says that Clark may be trying too hard to make a connection. Yeah, Clark, this isn't Elimidate. Clark says that the symbol the guy had on his medallion was Kryptonian. He ordered it from QVC Krypton. Bo says that if it was Jor-El, it's not much of a stretch to suppose that he might have killed someone. Clark says that, up until now, Jor-El has been a distant, powerful threat. But if he was in Smallville, maybe he and Jor-El are not so different after all. Except for Jor-El's British accent. Clark says that maybe Jor-El is more human than they thought. Bo shakes his head in disagreement, and then stops. He's spotted the crest on the wall in big, bright white chalk. They move toward it. Clark puts his hand on the symbol, which is conveniently at waist level, and the markings on it change. The symbol flies into the wall, leaving a Superman-crest-shaped hole. Clark stupidly sticks his hand right in, and bright yellow light bursts through the hole. Ha ha, Clark got burned. The camera zooms in on Clark's face, and we get flashes: A girl's face, a ring with a "T" on it, a couple kissing, the crest necklace, someone getting smacked by the butt of a rifle, a movie marquee, more making out, a gunshot. Holy editing! Clark pulls his hand out of the interstellar glory hole. Bo asks what's wrong. Clark is shaking. He opens his hand to reveal the metal necklace charm. Shiny. "What is that?" Bo asks. It's $19.95 if you act now! Clark doesn't answer.

The Talon exterior. Instead of going inside, we're on the street, where Pete and Clark are walking. Clark is telling Pete that the images he saw must be from the past. Pete tells Clark to lay off the late-night television. (Does he mean monster movies? Because that reference is about a decade out of date, at least.) Clark says he's serious. Three thuggish teens (one of them is wearing what almost looks like a Dallas Cowboys jersey) push their way past Clark and Pete. Clark lays his hand on a mailbox to rest (oh, this explaining to Pete is exhausting), and we get a bright white flash.

It's 1961. Wow, I didn't know they had letterbox format back then. A dude who looks like Clark (and also disturbingly like Joey Tribbiani) is chillin' by the U.S. Mail. Boppy '50s music is playing. The cars are old. A "Founder's Day Festival 1961" banner hangs in the background above the town's main street. The camera pulls back to show the downtown scene. People in suits, cars of vintage ilk, and The Talon are on the other side of the street. Clark walks by Fordman's hardware store. He looks over at the Talon Marquee, where Splendor In The Grass is playing. A young woman in green (Lana's look-alike Louise) is strolling on the sidewalk reading a Hollywood magazine with Elizabeth Taylor's face on the cover. She's got white Disney-character gloves on. A man comes up to her and tells her to "give it over." The magazine? Louise struggles, but is pushed down. The man goes after her purse. Across the street, sideburned 1961 Clark sees what's happening. He superspeeds over, and casually tosses the would-be robber against a street post. Ow. A police car parks right where the robber is lying, its siren dying down. Clark Tribbiani puts an arm around Louise and helps her up. A cop handles the robber as Louise says, "My hero." Clark 1961 says that Louise doesn't strike him as the kind of person who needs saving. She looks like someone who needs a full-time makeup artist and dresser, but not a savior. Louise thanks him, as Clark 1961 picks up her purse. Tinkly music plays. Clark 1961 hands over her purse and her magazine. Oh, so that's whom she's modeled after. She tells him she's Louise. "You can call me Joe," says Clark 1961. Joe Tribbiani! She says that Tribbiani is the most excitement they've had all year. The cop comes over and says that they owe this leather-jacketed stranger their gratitude. He introduces himself as Sheriff Billy Tate. The cop says that Joe's got some good reflexes there. Joe says he was surprised by them, too. The cop hasn't seen Joe around before. Joe says he's passing through town on his way home. "Lucky you," Louise says. Sheriff Tate tells Joe that Louise always has stars in her eyes. That's because they've very far away and gaseous. Joe and Louise share moony looks. A car pulls up. It's driven by the young, nerdy husband. "Louise?" he warbles. She rolls her eyes like it's the most embarrassing thing in the world. Well, I guess I can hate the 1961 version of Lana now, as well. The cop tells Louise to go on home, because her husband hates to miss his bridge game. Yeah, why not make her husband a wuss and a bridge player? The guy can't catch a break. The cop says he'll take Louise's statement later. Louise tells Joe Tribbiani that she'll see him around. Before she gets in her husband's car, Louise looks back and gives Joe a look that even people in the county noticed. The cop, no dummy, catches it as well. "I appreciate your help," the Sheriff says, putting his hand on Joe's shoulder. We flash back to the present.

By Omar G

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is standing by a bookcase holding a copy of The Catcher in My Rye. Or maybe it's The Pitcher in My Pie. He says he always assumed that Papa Luthor's knack for taking people's money was inherited but...this is ree-diculous! Lex doesn't think petty crime runs in the family. Chloe -- who is about to do the zombie shoulder-shake from "Thriller" -- says that there aren't a lot of people with the name "Lachlan Luthor" in town. He has to be the one who was arrested. Lex says that nobody in his family ever came to Smallville until Papa Luthor bought the creamed corn factory. Mmmm, creamed corn. David Lynchian. Lex asks if this isn't off Chloe's beat. Chloe says it's pro bono. So she gets paid at the high-school newspaper? She says that Lana's worried about her uncle. Lex doesn't think Chloe is there because of Lana. Chloe gives Lex the hate-eyes and starts to ask if Lex had ever heard anything about this drifter. Lex asks if Chloe thinks that the Luthors sat around on holidays and told old crime stories. Chloe says that Lex's family isn't exactly a Norman Rockwell painting. Unless it's that long-lost one where the cherubic kids are strangling dad as Santa watches and laughs. Chloe says that she could use any help Lex can provide. Lex tells Chloe she's hit a dead end. Wow, that's a surprise, because I thought the Avenue of Lex was a street that went both ways. Lex and Chloe exchange roadblocked looks. Chloe's jacket is now huge in Japan.

Clark rushes up the stairs of the Barnness of Back-to-the-Future-tude. Lana -- wearing last week's strange paisley shirt and a librarian's overcoat -- is waiting. "Hi...Lana..." Clark says. What's...up...Clark? Clark apologizes for being an ass earlier that morning, about the biological-dad business. Lana apologizes back that she dumped a lot on Clark all at once. Speaking of dumped, YOU GUYS BROKE UP! Clark says that when you're adopted, you dream about what your birth parents were like. The biggest nightmare, he says, is that they were criminals. I thought the biggest nightmare was that they gave you up because you're a hermaphrodite with all your naughty bits in the wrong place and order. Lana says it's not easy; she knows, because of all the strange surprises in her family. Speaking of which, where's Henry Small in all of this? Why can't he help sort this crap out? Lana shows Clark the box of Louise's stuff. She opens the creaky, leathery box. Clark sticks his hand right in and picks up a pin. He puts it back down. He finds some old photos to flip through. Lana finds a love letter. Lordy. It has lines like "Hold me in your arms," "...you so deeply," "all my love...." Clark panics for a moment because he wonders how one of Lex's letters to him got in there. Lana is surprised her great-uncle could be so.... "Passionate?" Clark asks. Lana was going to say, "Trite," but that's all right, Clark. The letter is signed, "T," in cursive. Lana puts the letter back. They keep digging. Lana finds a string of pearls. "Could you?" she asks Clark. Wait, that's nasty! Ewwww. Oh, wait, she only wants him to put the necklace on her. Sometimes I forget that Lana isn't that worldly or familiar with the songs of ZZ Top. Clark strings it up on her. Tighter, Clark, tighter!

We flash to white before we can see Lana do her Lisa Simpson impression. The drifter has put the same pearl necklace on Louise and is kissing her neck. She looks twelve. But she's enjoying it, I guess. "I Only Have Eyes For You," is playing (you know, that song where they go, "Jshew-wa, jshew-wa," and it always makes me think of an "@" symbol) as Louise and Joe Tribbiani gaze into each others' eyes. They're cavorting in a barn in the middle of the day (dirty!), and Louise is wearing a red skirt and loose white blouse that actually accentuate her figure nicely. (What figure? Exactly.) She leads Joe by the hand and says she's been thinking about him all day. Joe stops her and pulls her close. He kisses her. "Jshew-wa, jshew-wa!" Joe says he's never felt this way about anyone. This was in the days before sexually ambiguous bald men were considered sexy. Joe says he wants to be with Louise. More kissin'. Lots more kissin'. They really need to not shoot Louise from that lower angle, because her short hair makes her look like a boy. Or a British pop star. Louise starts walking for no reason other than to have Joe chase her. Joe pushes her up against a post and makes out with her there, too. They start tearing each other's clothes off as the camera revolves around them. I'm getting sick. And not from the camera. Neck kissing. Heavy breathing. They're both down to their undershirts. Louise pulls Joe down to the ground. She lies on top of him. He's now shirtless. A blanket is laid out neatly on the ground for them. It was nice of her husband to set it up like that in advance. More kissing. The little medallion hangs down from Joe's necklace between them. Kissing. Louise's breast is totally showing through her flimsy, see-through top. Yeah, I'm thinking Ms. Kreuk's probably not too happy about that edit. Louise runs her hand up Joe's back. They only have eyes for each other.

We flash back to the present. Clark is hot and bothered. "Clark?" Lana asks. "I was brushing my hair!" Clark screams. Clark stands to tell Lana that the love letter probably wasn't from Louise's husband. There was no date on it? Clark says he thinks it's from the drifter. "They were in love," Clark says. That's so shocking and dramatic that we go to commercials.

In the Smallville: 1961 "Will Continue" promo, there's a shot of Joe ripping off Louise's blouse that's not actually in the episode. And the camera is spinning in the opposite direction. Just FYI. Oh, and Steve Harvey's still on television? That moustache must have mystical powers.

LuthorCorp headquarters. Lex has the snazzy space right in front. Inside, Papa Luthor and Lex are walking through the automatic doors of Papa's office, and the elder Luthor is congratulating Lex on a good presentation. Papa Luthor says that the presentation was all smoke and mirrors, but skillfully done. Lex says that the art of deception runs in the family. Lex is wearing a white-shirted business suit. Papa Luthor pops open a bottle of champagne and says that the day was off to such a sweet start. Papa Luthor asks if Lex is suspicious about something. Lex starts in about his grandfather, who was supposed to have been an entrepreneur from Scottish nobility. Lex asks how this entrepreneur was arrested for petty robbery in 1961. It was a different time, Lex. Back then, that was entrepreneurship. Papa Luthor says that lots of entrepreneurs (man, am I tired of typing that word) don't have the luxury of being successful and honest. Lex asks why Papa Luthor would try so hard to hide their past. Papa Luthor whips out the sob story of being an outcast among "overachieving Ivy Leaguers." When he went to cocktail parties, Papa had to hide the fact that he was raised in "Suicide Slum." Oh, Papa Luthor was totally Ryan from The O.C.! Papa Luthor says he didn't want to have to pay for the sins of his father. Dude, you can't go against Biblical doctrine. Well, maybe you can. Lex asks if the memorial in their family plot is real, or if he has grandparents wandering around Suicide Slum. Papa Luthor gets very sad. He says that his parents both died in a tenement fire. Papa Luthor seems to blink back tears. "The only reason I'm alive," he says, "is I was moonlighting at...at a print shop when it happened." Papa Luthor says that ever since then, he's buried himself in work. Lex seems more sympathetic, but if he's anything like me, he's probably a little suspicious of this sappy story.

Clark and Lana walk into the barn where Louise was shot. Lana asks what Clark expects to find there after forty years. She couldn't have asked this on the way? Clark goes around touching things. Nope, this truck doesn't activate anything. Nope, not this forty-year-old dried-out turd. Clark notices a car that's covered by a beige tarp. Clark pulls the tarp. Magic! And an old car. Clark puts his hand on the hood.

White flash. You know the drill. "Earth Angel" is playing. Clark and Louise are going at it on the car because they're too kinky to try it on a bed. I always dreaded the day I'd have to write, "Clark and Lana make out," and now it's here, but it's not really Clark and Lana, so I'm pissed, but also not as angry as I'd normally be. It's sort of a strange feeling, really. Joe Tribbiani tells Louise that he has to leave tonight. "I'm leaving with you," she says. The hell you are! This show's not called On The Roadsville. Joe says that's not possible. Louise says she can't stay with her husband, Mr. Cuckold. She wants to be with Joe. Who doesn't? Joe says that, where he's from, they wouldn't be accepted. Louise doesn't stop to ask what that's supposed to mean. She says she doesn't care what people think. Her husband says that's her curse. (One of several.) Joe says that it's not a curse. That's a gift. Technology's gift to viewers: The Fast-Forward button. Louise says she's willing to try, even though Joe hasn't explained what it is about her that people in his home wouldn't accept. Joe says that this wasn't supposed to happen, and that he's expected to return home alone. I figured it out. Where Joe's from, everybody is monosexual, like amoebas. Big amoebas with huge sideburns who like to sex it up, solo-style. Louise finally asks why. Joe says it's his destiny, and he can't change it. Joe grabs Louise's face and tells her that, as much as he wants this, he can't have it. He's on the Atkins diet and she's a loaf of white bread. "He looks cute, but she looks kind of freaky," someone in my house says, happening to catch this particular scene of the show. Word. Louise cries. Joe says that his father told him that one day he'd understand that his actions have consequences. "I guess this is what he meant," Joe says. Joe is totally pregnant. Louise touches Joe's medallion and says it's not fair. No, but your skin is the ultimate in fairness. Louise says that they should be together. They hug. Lachlan Luthor walks in and points a gun at them. Joe pushes Louise away as Luthor fires. Bang, bang, bang. There's the sound of the bullets hitting metal. Lachlan Luthor's eyes widen. Joe touches his stomach, where he's been shot, but not hurt. Lachlan throws his gun away and runs, because he can never buy bullets again. Louise looks down. She has a tiny puncture in her blouse near her right shoulder. Blood is coming out. "Joe..." she moans. Joe takes her into his arms. "No," he says. "Don't leave me," he says. I think she's leaving. "I'll never leave," Louise says, as the sad strings play. I think she's leaving. "I love you," she says. Joe smiles goofily. Then she leaves. "Louise. No. No, Louise. Louise..." Joe cries.

Flash to the future. Clark's hand is on Lana's cheek. She's got color there, unlike Louise. Clark steps back. "I know who killed her," he says. The script? Lana's mouth hangs open in suspense.

Lair of Lex, in the hallway. Lex is walking down the hall with a burly-looking older gent. Lex says that the Edgecliff Condos are owned by LuthorCorp, but that he doesn't see the connection to his grandparents. The crusty, gravelly man says that before the condos and coffeehouses, that area was the worst part of Suicide Slum -- the high-rise stands on the site of the tenement where Lex's grandparents were snuffed out. Lex looks at the photo. Yep, that's a high-rise. Lex says the story must be true, then: they died in a fire. Crusty Guy -- who's had his nose broken a few times -- chuckles, because really, old people dying in fires are comedic gold. The guy says that what really happened was, an explosion took out two city blocks. The guy says he was a detective in that precinct. He was told to drop the case. The slum lords controlled City Hall, you could get a ballpark frank for a nickel, and this whole thing smells ta high heaven, I tells ya! Now that the guy has retired, he says it doesn't matter. It's not like somebody's going to come kill him. Not on this show, I mean...(BLAM!) Ack. ACK...They're killing him! He hands Lex a copy of the original report, which he was able to get even though he's retired. It's in a manila envelope. Lex speed-reads it. He looks at the crusty man gravely. There's a lot of crust to love there.

Smallville High hallway. There's a patriotic poster on the wall where a bald eagle is twice the size of the Statue of Liberty. Let's hope that eagle doesn't poop on her. Chloe tells Clark that she hates to burst Clark's bubble, but that Lachlan Luthor was in jail at the time of the murder. Chloe's wearing a small red top with lots of Chloeavage. Lana is layering her clothes to ill effect. Lana asks Clark for some info, because frankly, these weird hunches he's getting are a pain in everybody's ass. Especially mine. I've been sitting here for hours. "It's crazy," Clark says suddenly. Chloe says he passed "crazy" four random clues ago. Clark levels with them: ever since he read that newspaper article, he's been having memories from 1961. Well, that's not really the whole truth. Lana and Chloe squint at each other. Clark shrugs. "What?" Lana asks.

Lana and Chloe follow Clark into the Talon office. Chloe suggests reincarnation, past lives, even "genetic memory" -- by which we might store our ancestors' memories in our DNA -- as potential explanations. Clark thinks about that one. Chloe has Lachlan Luthor's record up on her computer screen. Remarkable that a small town in Kansas has all of its police records on computer, going back to 1961. Chloe looks at her screen and tells Clark that his hunches are eerily accurate. She found a jail sign-out for the criminal Luthor. Chloe says it's not police records: it's actually a police blotter from the Ledger she'd asked them to email, but it has a "Smallville Sheriff Department" logo on the top. It's from the day Louise was murdered. Lana notices that the guy was in jail only a few days for armed robbery. The person who released him was Billy Tate, who I totally forgot is also the Cigarette Smoking Mayor.

Clark and Lana, of course, immediately get a meeting with the mayor, who has nothing better to do than to meet with meddlesome kids. Da Mayor tells Clark that he was best friends with Louise and her husband. They were bosom buddies. Except that Louise had no bosom. He says that arresting the schlubby husband was the hardest thing he ever had to do. That and telling Mulder about his father. Cigarette Smoking Mayor tells Lana that she bears a striking resemblance to her aunt. Psst, Lana. He's leering. Clark asks whether the mayor remembers booking Lachlan Luthor, and says he was released the day Louise was killed. The Mayor says that he arrested a lot of people, and that it's hard to keep track. So many planted vials of crack. So many busted heads. Lana says that they think Louise's husband is innocent. The Mayor says that he wanted to believe that, but that there was no drifter. Clark wanders to the back of the mayor's office and finds a certificate with Tate's signature on it. "William Tate" has a "T" that matches the one in that love letter to Louise. Aw, Cigarette Smoking Schmoopy. "Careful with that, young man," The Mayor says, placing a hand on Clark's shoulder.

White flash. I wish they would blank my memory like the flashes on Men In Black. The hand on the shoulder is now the Sheriff's hand on Joe's back as Joe kissed Louise in the car. "Hey, you two lovebirds," the Sheriff says, until he sees who's kissing Louise. Louise says it's not what it looks like. They were actually all the way to third base. The sheriff tells Joe, tough guy, to get out of the car. Joe does. Joe starts to say it's none of the sheriff's business, but the sheriff starts to try to rough Joe up for causing trouble. Louise gets between them. She says that Joe was just taking her home. Like the song, "Take Me Home Tonight"? Yeah, I know what home base looks like. The sheriff, hurt, says that Louise had better make sure this is what she wants. He says she's making a huge mistake.

The sheriff drives off, leaving Joe and Louise to have lots of sex now. Louise tells Joe Tribbiani that she never wanted to marry her husband. It just kind of happened. She woke up and there she was, in a wedding dress, saying "Till death do us part, or until some hunky guy with sideburns does me in the barn." Louise damns her husband with faint praise. She blames her dad for putting her together with her husband, Dex. (My favorite name of all time: Dex Dexter from Dynasty.) Lame, lame, lame. Louise wants to go to Hollywood. Why not go to Vancouver? I'll bet you have a better chance of getting discovered there. Louise admits that she wussed out on the Hollywood dream. Joe is sympathetic instead of being disgusted. He says that their fathers would probably get along. In hell! Joe says that his father sent him to Smallville as sort of a lesson. A very rustic lesson. He says he didn't want to come, but now he'd give anything to stay. Yes. A conundrum. How quaint. Louise asks Joe again to take her with him. She pulls Joe into the beams of the car's headlights. She says they'll be like James Dean and Natalie Wood, only sapped of talent and appallingly made-up. Hey, if this is all the sheriff's flashback and he's gone, why is Clark still seeing all this? I guess it's technically Joe's flashback. Fine, send me five hundred emails explaining how I'm a dumb-ass. Go ahead. I'm ready for it this week. Louise gushes that Joe's taking her with him will be romantic. Joe says that when he said he wasn't from here, he wasn't talking about the town. I have to do this verbatim because it's unintentionally hilarious: Joe says that where he's from, there's colors Louise has never seen. The moons are so close they fill up half the sky. They have sunsets that last for hours. So Joe is from an interstellar Carnival Cruise destination. Louise believes him for a second, and then smiles and thinks Joe is putting her on. "You almost had me there," she says. No, he almost had you in the car. Joe picks Louise up. Then they both start to float up off the ground, bathed in blue light. Louise looks down. They're flying! "Oh my God!" Louise says. Gushy orchestral music plays. We cut to a wide shot to show the couple about twenty feet up from where the car sits. Cue the commercials.

By Omar G

Flash to the future. Clark's hand is on Lana's cheek. She's got color there, unlike Louise. Clark steps back. "I know who killed her," he says. The script? Lana's mouth hangs open in suspense.

...flash. Back to Clark. He's still dorky. Bo gets skeptical again, but Clark shuts Bo up by telling him that his name was almost Gene. MamaKent moves her eyebrows. "After Gene Autry," Bo says. Gene Gene the Milking Machine. Bo says they had all of Gene's old records, but that his mom finally won out. Thus: Bo Duke. MamaKent says that Hiram was a good judge of character, and wouldn't have helped a guilty man. How about an alien? Bo says that an old bomber jacket isn't going to prove anything. Don't be so sure of that old man, Clark says. Oh, what fiendish, clever thing do you have planned, cute gay alien from Krypton?

Cigarette Smoking Mayor isn't smoking, but he's got a nice cognac going as he sits in his favorite chair, reading a book. Something flashes into the room and starts a blaze in the fireplace. The Mayor gets up. He's wearing suspenders, the better to hold up expectations for his character from fans of his last show. Papers on his desk wave around. He pushes a button near a doorway. He goes to investigate, but is startled when someone behind him says, "Sheriff Tate." It's Clark, who combed his hair to look like Joe and is wearing that leather jacket. Oh, the old Scooby-Doo trick! The Mayor sees right through it. He tells "Mr. Kent" that he doesn't find this amusing. Clark says he must have him confused with someone else. The Mayor says that the police are on their way. How did he know to sound the alarm before he knew it was anything more than papers flying and the fireplace starting by itself? Did he ring Ghostbusters? Clark superspeeds around as The Mayor turns. The Mayor is shocked. He notices Clark's medallion. "Where did you get that?" he asks. Oh, you know, eBay. Clark-as-Joe says he knew The Mayor would remember him. "This can't be real," The Mayor says. Oh, but it is. It's the Ghost of Gay Present! Clark says that Cigarette Smoking Mayor has done a good job hiding the truth. He says he knows about the deal The Mayor made to have him killed. He asks how it felt to know that Louise got the bullet instead. "It was supposed to be you!" The Mayor screams. He runs around his desk and pulls out a pistol. He aims it at Clark and fires. Clark does some fancy bullet-dodging. He's no Neo. But then, Neo's no Neo these days, is he? "You can't kill me," Clark says, smiling. "I'm already dead." Spoooooooky! Or not. "Mother of God!" The Mayor says. No, son of Jor-El. Clark says that if The Mayor ever wants another day of peace, he'll confess to the (current) sheriff. "No! I'm not going to jail!" The Mayor yells. He points the gun at himself. Clark superspeeds to him and takes the gun out of his hand. "You're not taking the easy way out," Clark says. Clark bursts out of the room, just as Sheriff Cheshire and one of her men come in, guns drawn. They ask if The Mayor is all right. "He's trying to kill me!" The Mayor yells. Who? He totally confesses, saying that the drifter was supposed to die, not Louise. "I loved her," he says. Aw, poor Cigarette Smoking Mayor. I shall miss him. And curse the show for giving him such little time to do evil things on the show. We go to commercials as I say goodbye to what might have been a cool character over the long run. Fucking Smallville.

My experiment not to watch the Jamie Kennedy show continues.

Prison! Where old people go to have their crimes solved. Lana and a worker are helping old Uncle Cuckold into a wheelchair. He's thrilled to be getting out. Innocence has cleaned up his health. He can't believe his friend was responsible for the murder. Mayor Tate even visited him every Sunday for two years. Lana's like, "Sucks to be you." Lana's uncle doesn't know why somebody would confess after all those years. It doesn't make sense. Welcome to the show, old-timer. You're going to be very confused and frustrated here. Uncle Cuckold says it's a terrible thing when love consumes you and takes over. He says he was so in love with his wife that he couldn't see she didn't feel the same way. He wishes he'd known when to let go. She married you, dude. The way I see it, your only mistake was marrying a slut. Lana watches her uncle get wheeled away. She's in a pink workout ensemble, surprise surprise.

Lair of Lex. Lex is telling his dad about the explosion that caused his parents' deaths. Lex says that there were traces of ammonium nitrate. It was no accident. Papa Luthor says he's always suspected this. He seems to get emotional, and sits down. He says his dad had enemies. Lex says that's not what Papa Luthor told the police. Papa Luthor says that he was young, but not naïve. He knew that whoever did it would be watching him. Lex gives that some thought and gets up. "So you knew they were murdered," Lex says. Lex says it's not like Papa Luthor to pass up revenge. Lex asks why, in the last thirty years, Papa Luthor didn't pursue that. Papa Luthor says he couldn't bring them back. There was nothing he could do, so he chose to forget about it. That's such a lie. "But you can't, can you?" Lex asks. "No," Papa Luthor says sadly. Papa Luthor thanks Lex. He says his parents deserve justice. Papa Luthor says he always through the murders could stay buried in the past. Lex takes his dad by the shoulders: "We both know that's not going to happen until we find out who did this." On a purely acting level, and for lack of a better candidate, it's the Gayest Look of the Episode. I know, I'm disappointed, too.

The Barnness of Epilogueitude. Lana goes up the loft to find Clark. Clark hurriedly puts his new necklace away. Why? Why must every episode end like this? I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Clark asks how her uncle's doing. He's happy to be free. Yay Uncle Cuckold. Lana thinks her uncle has Clark to thank for his freedom. But Lana doesn't know why. She's dumb like that. Clark blames her for believing in her uncle. Lana says the uncle was wrong about the drifter. Clark's not so sure. He says that Louise wouldn't have died if she hadn't met Joe. Lana says she knows Louise was wrong for what she did, but in a way she was lucky. Yeah, luck in the shape of a bullet in the shoulder. Lana says that at least Louise got to be in love for a few days. With an alien. Clark says it's too bad it didn't last. "That's not the point," Lana says. Lana says you have to be grateful for the time you have, and stop holding on to what could have been. Lana is boldly carrying the platitude torch that was, until recently, held aloft by Bo Duke. And she's wearing about a pound of eyeshadow. Clark and Lana exchange meaningful looks. I look for a dry cleaning bag with which to asphyxiate myself.

By Omar G

So all those WB sitcoms are still on the air? Color me surprised.

We come back on a folded up piece of paper held in the hands of one Sheriff Cheshire (Cat). She's also got a cup of coffee, and if there's one thing that lady doesn't need, it's a cup of coffee, let me tell ya. Hey-yo! Clark and Lana are trying to get her to open up an investigation that was put to bed forty years ago. At least, that's what Cheshire is in disbelief about. Clark says that the mayor knows more than he's telling. "Oh, yes, that mysterious drifter of yours," Cheshire says. She means the one at the rest stop Clark keeps mysteriously running into, but that's another story. Clark has already decided that then-Sheriff Tate made a deal with Lachlan Luthor to drop his charges if Lachlan killed the drifter. Dirty justice, that. As they cross the street, Cheshire says that Clark is a great storyteller, but a lousy detective. She says she'll need two small things, like motive and evidence. And a bigger thing, like a cruller or a bear claw. To go with the coffee. Clark shows Cheshire the police log and the love letter with the handwriting that matches. Lana says that the mayor was in love with Louise: with the drifter dead and the husband in jail, he could have Louise all to himself. The sheriff warns Clark and Lana to be careful whom they're pointing fingers at. Cheshire excuses herself to solve some crimes in this century. The Mad Cow Tipper is still on the loose, and he keeps leaving dollar bills and loose change under all the cows.

By Omar G

Adventures in canning. In the Kent Kitchen, Bo and MamaKent are canning up some peaches. Looks mighty fine, I tell ya. Mighty fine. Bo is complaining to MamaKent that they can't even tell if Clark's visions are real. He thinks that they might be another test from Jor-El. Jor-El really needs to invest in a ScanTron machine if he's going to keep this shit up. MamaKent says that Clark is usually determined for a reason. A very pink reason. MamaKent says that they can't blame Clark for wanting to know more about his birth parents. We've not really established that Clark has more than a male parent. I'm sticking with the monosexual theory. Bo says that all he can think of when he hears Jor-El's name is that they're not his "real birth parents." He said it, not me. MamaKent says that right now Clark is there with them. But, not there there. There out somewhere. Oh, there there is Clark. He walks in and throws his jacket on the table. Nice manners, dickweed. MamaKent asks whether Clark has had any more of the visions. He was going to ask for a bowl of cereal, but damn! Parents just don't understand. "No," Clark lies. Bo apologizes for doubting Clark. Bo says that they can go out to the barn, where Louise was killed (family death fun!) to see if Clark missed anything. Clark suddenly notices a rifle mounted up on the wall. "That's grandpa's gun," Clark says. He goes over to touch it and hold it and love it. Clark says he saw that gun in the first vision he had in the cave. Clark grabs the butt of the gun. (Would that it was the first rustic, older butt he'd ever grabbed.)

Flash to: somebody whaling on Joe in the stomach, then in the face, with that same rifle butt. Joe pushes the attacker guy down and takes his gun like so much candy from a child who is more than an infant, but less than a pre-teen. Joe points the rifle at the man and says he doesn't want any trouble. He's just cutting through the man's field. The man -- wearing a hat and looking quite the farmer -- says that Joe already killed one person, and the whole town is looking for him. Joe says he didn't do it. He tosses the rifle back. It doesn't accidentally fire and shoot the farmer. "I'm not a killer," Joe says. His voice shakes as he says, "I loved her. I'd never hurt her." The farmer decides to trust Joe. "I'm Hiram," he says, "Hiram Kent." They shake hands.

Flashy flash to the flash flash! "The drifter was here," Clark says, and I mimic him with my best Christopher Walken. "Your leaves. They're on fire. And the paperboy! He threw the paper...the paper in your YARD!" Clark tells Bo and MamaKent that the drifter met Grandpa Kent. Bo and MamaKent don't know what the hell to believe.

By Omar G

It's off to the barn loft! Bo, Clark, and MamaKent pull out a heavy trunk and open it to dig through more of the past. The past is really exhausting. Bo says he hasn't opened the trunk since the day his father passed away. They look to see if something will trigger a memory with Clark. Bo pulls out a big-ass belt buckle with an "H" on it and a belt still attached. He tells Clark that his grandfather wore that old thing every day of his life. It looks like Bo wants Clark to wear it (everybody would think the "H" was for "Homo"), but Clark politely puts it back in the trunk. MamaKent says she wishes Clark could have met him. Clark spots a brown leather jacket. He pulls it out. I see a flash coming.

Flash. Inside the Kent home, Hiram and his pretty blonde wife are helping Joe change into less conspicuous clothes, like a denim jacket. Hiram says they'll take all the back roads. Joe thanks the couple for their help. Hiram says he's not sending Joe out alone. Hiram asks if Joe's friends will be there to pick him up. "They'll be there," Joe says. Hiram says that Joe's welcome to stay and try to clear things up. Joe opens the door. An American flag waves outside. "I've got no reason to stay anymore," says Joe. Hiram, who has a cool latter-day Marc Singer quality about him, pats the baby in his wife's belly. "Bye, Gene," he tells the baby. "His name is Jonathan," GraMamaKent says. Hiram says they're still deciding. He kisses the Missus and heads out the door. Joe thanks GraMamaKent and hands her the leather jacket thus completing the...

By Omar G

The caves. Clark is holding the medallion and staring at the corresponding symbol on the wall. Bo is behind him and asks what he's doing there. Clark's not sure. Oh, wait, I know. Memory flash!

Flash! Hiram stands behind Joe in the cave and asks what he's doing with his necklace. Because it's purty. And did he mention that Joe has a purty mouth, too? Joe turns and says he's supposed to return it to his father, but that there are too many memories attached. He thanks Hiram. They shake hands. Hiram says he can tell an honest man, and he's sorry Joe ran into trouble. Hiram says that there are still plenty of good folks in town. But they all die. Joe says he'll remember that. He congratulates Hiram on the baby. Hiram says that if Joe ever needs help, he knows where to find Joe. Hiram walks out of the cave. Joe turns back to the wall and uses an octagon disc from his pocket to reveal a symbol on the wall. A hole opens in the cave. Joe thrusts the medallion into the wall. It closes with a bunch of bright light.

Flash back to Clark. What was that? Bo asks what he saw. Clark says that Joe put the medallion in the wall to hide it from his dad. It acts as a kind of journal. Joe totally needed a LiveJournal with password protection. Clark thinks Joe was sent to town as a rite of passage. Clark says that Hiram was down in the cave, too. Clark trails off. Bo asks what's up. "I don't think you and mom found me by accident," Clark says. Clark thinks they were chosen. Dum dum DUUUUUMMMM! But not exactly "dumb." If you know what I'm saying.

week: finally, Lana dates somebody else. Because SHE AND CLARK BROKE UP. It can't be said enough.