Metal Of Horror

S03E07

By Omar G

This one's not very good either, folks. Let's just hunker down and get through it.

We open on a drum roll on audio and a loop-de-loopy roller coaster on video. We follow the roller coaster as it loops, and I get all schmoopy about wanting to go to an amusement park. In mid-November. We cut straight to a band on a Lowell County Fair stage with a merry-go-round behind them. Who are these dork munchers? They're playing easy-listening lite teen roc,k and one of them can't even be bothered to stand: The dude in the blue shirt is playing one of those weak Beach Boys horizontal guitar-looking things. Already, I hate them. Somebody's holding up what looks like a naked Pooh bear in the audience. Get some clothes on that mammal! The lead singer of The Dork Munchers sings about a picture on the wall while his blond soul-patched lead guitarist (does two earrings mean you suck or that you blow?) is nodding along like it's the wisdom of the ages. Other people in the audience are half-heartedly throwing their hands in the air. Who let the zombies out?

Cut to somebody shaking a heavy-looking snow globe like the one that smacked the stuffing out of that guy's skull in Unfaithful, only this one has green meteor rocks in it. "Smallville Meteor Capital of the World!" the globe reads at its base. Inside are cows, corn, and a barn. Lana, who's sort of a pink rosebud herself, is disgusted with herself for shaking the globe. "How tasteless is this?" she asks. You mean that pink shirt and blue jacket? Yeah, Lana. You blend. She says she thinks those are real meteor rocks in the snow globe. Chloe is standing to her, and says it's the American version of closure: you can only get over your grief when you figure out how to market your tragedy. week on Smallville: Lana introduces "Smush'ems," a new panini pastry dedicated to her dead parents. "Ooh, cotton candy!" Chloe says suddenly, leading Lana away from the shelves o' meteor globes. Chloe buys Lana some cotton candy. In some countries, that would mean they're married. Lana whines to Chloe that sometimes she just wants to get away from all this. Carnies, cotton candy, roller coasters: it's just all so depressing isn't it, Lana? Go bleat somewhere else. Lana says she'd like to do what Clark did and just leave it all behind. Chloe says they almost got through the day without mentioning their "favorite farm boy." Lana says she didn't mean to "throw a wet towel" over their "girls' day out." Is Lana forty-six years old? Chloe says she's going to state something obvious: Clark's not dating Lana was his loss, not Lana's. Chloe's looking awfully good today. She's got more makeup on, and Lana's got less. It sorta works.

By Omar G

Somebody calls Lana's name. It's a pretty normal-looking kid in a red vest. Wait, is he a carnie? I don't trust this kid all of a sudden. You've seen Carnivale. Them people ain't right. The guy invites Lana to come show off her arm. Oooohhh...elbow fetish. He invites Lana to amaze and astound her friends. I think Lana's mere appearance on the show week after week continues to amaze and astound all of us. Lana eats some cotton candy (now she's pink on the inside, too) and comes over. The carnival guy tells Lana and Chloe that the game is rigged. Lana couldn't give two shits. No, seriously. Look at her tiny little body. One is about all she's physically capable of. The guy tells Lana and Chloe that there are magnets that rig the game. He tells Lana just to get close, and he'll give her a prize. Chloe laugh/barks strangely. Lana asks if he won't get in trouble. The kid says it's the last day of the fair: "What're they gonna do?" What a rebel! Chloe moves aside and says she rests her case. Huh? What case? Seth, the carnival kid, is Lana's lab partner. There's already one Seth on TV whom I'm hopelessly in love with, so we're going to call this dweeb Carn-Evil. You know he's a Krypto-freak-of-the-week already. Why fight it? Chloe says that the guy has also had a crush on Lana since forever. All right, show of hands: who in the town doesn't have a crush on Lana? No, Lex, you don't have to participate. I already know about you. Chloe mentions that Carn-Evil used to spell out Lana's name with spaghetti. They both have a huge laugh at the guy's expense after he just offered to hook Lana up with a carnival prize. Nice. Lana says that was in sixth grade, and now Seth's into, like, cars, comics and GameCubes. What's wrong with that? At least he has hobbies, ya bland, lame she-mistress of blah. Don't be raggin' on my GameCube, woman. You'll incite The Wrath of O. (And possibly of Glark. ["Everyone in my household would get in on that wrath, actually. Super Monkey Ball 4-Eva!" -- Wing Chun]) Lana asks what she and Seth have in common.

As Lana and Chloe keep munching on cotton candy, some burly biker-looking dude takes a swing at (from what I've gathered) a game where a ball floats a foot up on a cushion of air and you have to knock it off. How would magnets affect that? I guess the ball you throw and the ball in the air could have opposing magnets. That sorta makes sense, I guess. It's still bullshit. I'm not sure how, but I just feel like calling "bullshit" early on. Chloe tells Lana that the boy is cute, at least. She tells Lana to expand her horizons and go for it. Chloe has been taking Bo Duke's Study-At-Home Platitude Workshop Course. It's $19.95. And it's not going to just study itself. Lana picks up a ball and aims. She misses miserably. Laughs. Chloe and Lana are giggling like they just got high on Lana's fabric softener. "Aim. Aim," Chloe advises. "I am aiming!" Lana says. Lana gives up. Lame! Lame! Carn-Evil goes and grabs a meteor globe and gives it to Lana anyway "for a fine effort." He puts his hand on Lana's as she takes the globe. The rough biker dude and his biker bitch (she looks like Phoebe Buffay's evil sister (and no, not Ursula)) are like, "Hey, what the fuck?" Lana hesitates to accept the globe. "You...don't like it?" Carn-Evil asks. Lana's never direct, so she doesn't answer. The biker dude, who has a mullet-mohawk from hell, says he'll take it. Homeboy is huge! Carn-Evil tells the guy that he has to win first. "Oh. Yeah, like her?" the guy asks with very justifiable carnival rage. Why not just give him a globe, too? There are, like, fifty of them. Carn-Evil tells Biker Butch that he should leave. Biker Butch steps over the counter and gets in Carn-Evil's face. This guy has the same earrings as the guitarist from The Dork Munchers. Lana offers the globe and tells the dude to leave Carn-Evil alone. Biker Butch won't leave it alone: He asks if Carn-Evil is going to let a chick do his fighting for him. Shit, I would. Except there's been no fighting. The biker dude calls Carn-Evil a punk and asks what he's got. Well, apparently, all he's got is a mild shove. He pushes Biker Butch into the prizes and leaps the counter, running through the crowd. The Biker guy carefully carries the globe as he gives chase, promising to rip Carn-Evil apart. Lana tells Chloe to call Security. "Security"? You're not at The White House, Lana.

Chasing through the crowd. I wish I were hearing Benny Hill music instead of The Dork Munchers Wanna Be With You. "I said baby, you're amazing," the lyrics say. Fuckin' poetry. More running through the crowd. Carn-Evil pushes through the crowd, but Biker Butch caught up with him. He smashes the meteor globe on Carn-Evil's head. Aren't those things usually made of plastic now? The band stops playing as people crowd in to see what happened. The lead singer is all, "Man, screw this. From now on, no more county fairs. Starting today, we only play gigs at skating rinks!" Carn-Evil spits out some globe water, and maybe teeth. There are little meteor rocks all over the place. We CGI inside Carn-Evil's forehead, where the green rocks are flying like Bruce Willis as sperm in Look Who's Talking. They mix in with the red blood cells (and provide their own sound effects) and we promptly zoom back out of the guy's forehead before we get a Clearasil animation. Lana shows up and calls for help. Doesn't she have a cell phone? Carn-Evil breathes hard and then falls unconscious.

The cold blue steel of an MRI machine. Carn-Evil is stuffed in between head cushions, and his neck is strapped in. He's got little strips across his gashed forehead. A voice tells him to relax and not to move. Carn-Evil says he's feeling a little claustrophobic. The voice says that's normal, and that the MRI is about to start. The machine begins its scan, and there's a knocking sound. The technician says that's just the magnetic fields being activated. Suddenly, some electrical effects start to happen around Carn-Evil's neck and head. He starts to scream. Outside the MRI, the computer shows what doesn't look like a very normal scan of a brain. More electricity. Carn-Evil calls for help. The technician is scared: he runs toward the MRI, but a blast of something invisible knocks him against a back wall. More electricity. A doctor comes in and sees what's going on. He unplugs the machine. Everything goes off. The doctor calls for a nurse. He pulls Carn-Evil out of the MRI on the sliding slab. Carn-Evil takes off his neck strap. Lana appears at the door. "I need some help in here, stat!" calls the doctor. Lana is somehow just allowed to waltz right into the room. She goes to Carn-Evil and asks what happened. He's all sweaty. He puts his hand on Lana. Some green electricity is exchanged. Lana smiles. "Chloe was right," she says. "You really are cute." Riddled with fresh cancer, but cute. That was a long intro! I'm already winded.

Opening credits. Michael Rosenbaum is still getting third billing. It's just not right.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex walks down the hallway pursued by the Crusty Old Investigator he hired to dig up dirt on his family. "TB records?" Lex asks. For a second, it sounded like he was going to say, "Teabagging?" Lex throws down the records just inside his office and bitches that he asked for information about the tenement fire that killed his grandparents, not information about his dad's immunizations. Crusty P.I. says that these things take time. "Yeah, when you bill by the hour," Lex says. Nice dig, Lex; you should play volleyball. Crusty P.I. says it's not the records that are important, it's who's accessed them. Crusty's not the only one looking into Lex's family history. Lex examines the list. Below Dr. D. Farnell, Dr. M. Poss, Liz Doyle, Melanie Williams, Louis Solyom, Behjat Benam (bend it like Behjat Benam!), and Dr. Allison Dunn is the name "Chloe Sullivan," looking up info on "Lionel Luthor." Lex does a Mona Lisa smile, indicating that his investigative itch has been scratched.

Smallville Medical Center. Beat 'em up, we'll patch 'em up. Carn-Evil is in a hospital bed. He's got Jell-O. I like Jell-O. Carn-Evil focuses his energy on the Jell-O and makes the spoon in it wiggle and levitate. This is what I've been waiting for: a villain with supernatural command of gelatin. Carn-Evil loses his concentration on the spoon just as Lana walks into his room without knocking. "Hey!" she announces. She brought Clark with her, because you always bring along your ex when you're visiting a boy with a crush on you. It's in The Rules, I think. "Either you're feeling really excited about your Jell-O or you're feeling a lot better," Lana says. Trust us: it's the Jell-O. He says he feels great. Lana says that the cut on his forehead looks "amazing." And those shingles? FABulous! His cut does seem to have healed quite a bit. Clark says that the MRI machine is "TKO." Groan. Lana asks if they know what happened. Carn-Evil says he thinks it had something to do with the magnetic field. He says it must have just been an old machine. The crazy MRI guy who's demanding they add him to the Nobel Prize list busts in and says that this episode is a "shameful wrong that must be righted!" Carn-Evil apologizes for ruining Lana's day at the fair, and thanks her for bringing him the hospital. He didn't get an ambulance? Lana was happy to help. It was on her way to her favorite clothing store, In The Pink. Carn-Evil looks at Clark. Deciding that there's no threat there, he asks Lana out. He says he wants to thank her, and asks if he can take her out sometime. Clark's eyebrows lower to Cro-Magnon level. Lana shakes her head and says Carn-Evil doesn't have to take her out. Clark's relieved. Carn-Evil grabs Lana's hand, and a little green electricity is exchanged. Does he have a Lifesaver Wint-O-Green in his hand? Lana changes her mind. "How about tonight?" she asks. Dude's in a hospital bed. Are you going to have a date at the medical-center cafeteria? Clark is shocked, and shows it by having no facial expression at all.

Hospital hallway. Clark is leaving. Lana asks what's the rush. Lana asks if Clark is upset that Carn-Evil asked her out. No. It's fantastic. He's going to go build a fan site. Lana says that's great, because the last time she checked, she and Clark were just friends. Friends who spend every minute of the day together and act out the epilogue for every episode this season. Friends. Clark moves his head around with ennui, and then says it's really no problem. Good, ya selfish bastid. Clark says he has to go. Lana watches him go, her face full of something like emotion.

Hospital room. Carn-Evil raises his hand and urges a metal cart to come toward him. "Come to me, cart! Bring forth your shelved items! Soothe me with balms and salves! I rule!" It rolls. Carn-Evil is like, "Cool!" Please spare us the web ejaculation scene from Spider-Man.

Kent refrigerator. We get an icebox's-eye view of Clark opening the door and staring balefully at a single slice of cherry pie. Oh yeah. Clark's my cherry pie. Tastes so good make a grown man cry. (And of course, that man is Lex.) Bo walks in the kitchen door and stares at Clark, thinking, "What is that boy doing do that pie? My God!" Bo kisses MamaKent on the head in greeting. MamaKent is arranging some flowers. Bo says there must be something wrong if Clark stuck his head in the fridge and didn't eat the last slice of cherry pie. Hee. I get Twin Peaks warm fuzzies. Clark says it's just Lana. The thought of her turns his stomach to all pies of cherry. Clark says that Carn-Evil asked Lana out, and that Lana said yes so fast it gave Clark whiplash. That statement is wrong for about five different reasons. Bo pulls out his worn copy of Platitudes For Dummies Who Are Also Platitude Experts and says that jealousy is a tough emotion. "Dad, I'm not jealous!" Clark yells. Clark's just embroiled in hormonal miscarriages of relationship anxiety and a dread sense of his own lack of mortality. Or something. Clark says that maybe he's a little jealous, but the dude asked Lana out right in front of him. He's not part of your posse, Clark. Clark can't believe she'd say yes. "Clark," Bo says, rearing back his hand to give Clark the back of it in parental smackdown, "you can't have it both ways." Not unless Lex and a dwarf are involved. Bo says that if Clark won't go out with Lana, she's free to go out with whomever she wants. And when she turns eighteen, she can vote too, and maybe even become a doctor. All kinds of things have changed for women! Clark doesn't like that one bit. MamaKent says he just has to accept it. Clark nods sadly. Thus wisdom has been passed down in a painful and humiliating fashion.

The office of The Torch. Chloe is looking at some proofs with a magnifier on a light table. She greets somebody walking in by saying she's glad he could show up, not that Clark operates on the same speed as the rest of the world. Except it's not Clark. Lex has paid Chloe a visit. "Interesting observation," he says. He's wearing a zip-up jacket and a dark purple shirt. Nice. Chloe immediately says that Clark's not there. Lex says he's there to see Chloe. He knows about her checking into his dad. Snoopers check in, but they don't check out. Chloe licks her lips. Lex says that her name was on a Metropolis county records log. Why didn't Chloe cover her tracks better? She could have called herself Honey West or Sprinkle Talulah or Wendy Jo Sperber. Chloe tries to play it off all casual, drinking her coffee and saying she's just doing a story for the high-school paper. Lex asks whether the story involves obscure childhood medical records. Those are public? Chloe says she's just being thorough. "The mark of a good reporter," Lex says. Lex says that Chloe is a good reporter -- so good that Papa Luthor pulled strings to make her the youngest columnist in the history of The Daily Planet. Chloe's fed up. She asks what he wants. Lex just wonders why a high-school reporter is digging so deep into his father's past. Chloe gulps. Lex says he'll ask Papa Luthor at dinner. Chloe tells Lex to go ahead; the only way he could have found out about this is if he was digging up dirt himself. Well played, Sullivan. Well played. Lex says that at least he's prepared for what he might find: "I'm not so sure you know what you've gotten yourself into." Please. Chloe's dealt with nasty Kryptonite freaks on a weekly basis. Long dramatic pause. Lex exits.

The Talon at night. Outside, the marquee reads, "Smallville's Best Cappuccino." Inside, Lana is filling sugar containers from what looks like an ice bucket. The things Lana does at The Talon are going to get more and more random as the show goes on. By Season Five, she's going to be cleaning the grease traps with a feather duster. Clark approaches her and apologizes. Ah, gah, damn. One of those scenes. Clark admits that he was bothered by Lana's getting asked out. He just came to tell Lana he killed Carn-Evil, and he hopes she'll tell no one. Clark says he has to get used to the idea that Lana will be dating other people. Lana ducks her head and walks away, giving her back to Clark as she tells him she didn't mean for that to happen in front of him. Tiny shovel, sugar. Lana's brow furrows, and she says she doesn't even know why she agreed to go out with Carn-Evil. Must be MRI pity. Lana says maybe she was just subconsciously trying to make Clark jealous. Even in her subconscious, Lana is an asshole. Clark does a funny strutting walk over to Lana and says, "So you're not really into him?" Hey, Lana, how you doin'? Lana says that the guy is nice enough, but that there's no sparks. I have a special CBS news bulletin for Lana from Dan Rather. Take it away, Dan: "Scientists reported today that Lana Lana couldn't generate sparks with another character if she had a mountain of flint and a truckload of steel. Thank you and goodnight." Lana mentions, by the way, that Carn-Evil is about to pick her up. Clark says that he knows it's none of his business, but that if she doesn't feel "that way" about Carn-Evil, she shouldn't lead him on. Oh, give me just a tiny jagged piece of a candy bar called "A Break." Clark and Lana have been leading each other on in circles like blind Clydesdales for two and a half seasons now. Lana gives Clark a stern look just as Carn-Evil shows up and asks if Lana is ready to go. Lana seems surprised to see her date, even though she was expecting him. She says that maybe they should sit down. Carn-Evil gives Clark the over-the-shoulder stink-eye as Lana leads him to a table.

By Omar G

Clark pulls Lana and Carn-Evil down to ground level. Lana asks Clark what he's doing there. He says he heard screaming and thought she was in trouble, so he pulled the switch. "What switch? I didn't hear the motor go off," she says. Carn-Evil asks Clark if he always comes to the fair when it's closed. Do you? Lana asks Clark if he followed her. She asks if he's stalking her. How annoying. Lana didn't seem to mind when he was using a telescope to do that. Carn-Evil tells Clark to find a new hobby and leads Lana away. Still within earshot, Carn-Evil asks Lana if she actually dated that loser. "Yeah," she says and laughs. They should just rename this show The Town With All The Assholes. Commercials.

Gah: WB promo with Kristin Kreuk and her signature. The WB frog looks like he's going to purge.

Why is President Palmer trying to sell me insurance?

The shiny new Smallville High School, "Home of the Crows Crows" sign. With a crow on it. Two, even. This sign is all convoluted. Inside, Carn-Evil is shutting his locker without actually touching it. Show-off. Clark, standing right to him, says, "Nice trick." Carn-Evil asks if Clark has anything better to do than to follow him around. What, you didn't feel a connection? A connection that dare not speak its name in high school? Clark asks if Carn-Evil can control metal objects. Yeah, so? Clark asks if he has some sort of hold over Lana, too. Carn-Evil says that Lana's not made out of metal. Wood, more like. He pats Clark on the bicep and walks on. Clark says he doesn't know how Carn-Evil is doing it, but that he's not going to let Carn-Evil force Lana to be with him. Carn-Evil says he's a persuasive guy, Lana's on the rebound, and Clark blew it. Clark stands in front of him. "She's not into you," he says. Why does Clark care? He really just ought to go back to Metropolis and pick up some honeys there. Carn-Evil says that Lana's all he's ever thought about (must be a limited thought process); he's got her, and that Clark's just going to have to deal with it. Clark warns him to stay away from Lana. Carn-Evil issues a warning retort: he tells Clark to stay away from him and Lana. He says that Clark doesn't know what he's capable of. If he can stand to be around Lana for hours, who knows what crazy powers he's got! Carn-Evil lifts his arms and then swats them down, and every locker in the hallway closes. Carn-Evil walks past Clark.

Medical Center. There's a room inside for medical records. Clark and Chloe are in Room 258, investigating. Chloe sums up Clark's theory about Carn-Evil's magnet powers. Chloe asks what that has to do with Lana. She says that Lana might just think Carn-Evil is really hot. She tries to get Clark to admit that the boy is hot. Clark resists giving in to that reflex. Clark starts to say that they have nothing in common, but Chloe shushes him. Clark finds the file cabinet he's looking for. He says that Carn-Evil has always been around, but that Lana's never noticed him. Chloe says that, except for the past two years, Clark could be describing himself. Clark found the file he's looking for. He finds a handy-dandy chart showing that the electromagnetic activity in Carn-Evil's body is higher after the MRI. If the doctors didn't measure that with the MRI (which Carn-Evil broke), how did they find that out? Chloe says that explains the magnet theory. She asks why the doctors didn't flag it. Clark says they just chalked it up to the accident. Chloe suggests that they go back to the newsroom to look up the effects of electromagnetism on the body. Just then, the file-room door opens. The silver-haired doctor from the MRI incident walks in. Chloe, thinking fast, throws Clark against a wall of files and starts kissing him. She moves Clark's arms onto her. He's totally not into it. The doctor asks what they're doing. "Nothing," Chloe says, smiling. She says they were taking a break from candy-striping. The doctor lectures them about makeout sessions in the file room. The doctor exits. Chloe explains to Clark that a good reporter always thinks on her feet. Clark watches Chloe as she leaves, and tries to straighten himself out. Literally and figuratively. This could be Clark's very first heterosexual erection.

The Kent barn. Lana is sitting around waiting for Clark. "Lana," Clark says. Yeah, it's been nearly sixty episodes, we know her name. Lana heard about Clark's threats to her new boyfriend. "Who do you think you are, Clark?" she asks. Kal-El. Haven't you heard? Clark tells Lana that Carn-Evil is magnetic. Lana knows. Her guy's been totally honest. "I think it's great," she says, like you'd say about someone who adopted a baby or took up sailing. Clark thinks Carn-Evil is also making Lana get into him, like he's using Kryptonite Spanish Fly. Clark says that the brain is a circuit board of magnetic impulses: he and Chloe think.... "You talked to Chloe about this?" Lana asks. Yeah, Clark, I'll bet Chloe didn't want you dragging her into this. Clark's brain, by the way, is magnetic like a fruit-shaped refrigerator magnet is. Clark says that Carn-Evil can make Lana's brain secrete the brain chemicals that give Lana gushy emotions. Dude, I know women who would pay top dollar for that. I think they did a Real Sex about a chair like that. Lana thinks Clark has gone bonkers. Clark continues to spout off about secretions and brain stuff. Lana says that Carn-Evil isn't touching her now, but that she's falling for him more than she has any other guy. "Ever," she says, rubbing it in. Lana asks Clark to explain that. Clark supposes her head is like metal: the longer it's exposed to magnets, the longer the effect lasts. I don't know much about women, but I do know not to compare their heads to blocks of metal. Lana tells Clark to stop. She says that if Clark doesn't want to date her that's fine, but whom she dates is none of Clark's business. Clark says that Carn-Evil is dangerous. "No, Clark, you are," Lana says. She asks Clark to let her go. Do it! Clark, please, I beg you. Move on. It will lower my blood pressure.

Torch at night. Chloe finds stuff in disarray at her office. "Great," she says, eying everything scattered on the ground. "Evening," a crusty voice says. Crusty P.I.! Chloe goes for a phone, but Crusty advises her to go ahead and call the cops. The first question they'll ask, he says, is why he would break into a high-school newspaper. Because he got kicked off the yearbook staff? Chloe asks who he is and what he wants. He says he's working for someone looking for the same thing Chloe is. "Which Luthor sent you?" Chloe asks. Cranky P.I. starts yanking out connection cables from the back of the green Alienware computer, and I start to sob uncontrollably. He asks why Chloe would come to that conclusion. Because she's not a dumb-ass, tubby. Cranky picks up the computer and takes it with him. He says he doubts Chloe would want to report this to the police. Chloe just needs to kick his ass. He's old and fat and carrying a computer. How hard could it be? He wishes her a good night. Chloe just stands there and takes it.

Talon. It's Makeout Session time. The coffee shop is empty (Smallville's best cappuccino's not bringing them in?), and Carn-Evil has got Lana backed up against one of the Egyptian-themed posts. They're kissing. Lana's wearing a black shirt. Carn-Evil says he likes the new Lana. She says she took his advice and splurged on a whole new wardrobe. Yay! He says he can't wait to see the rest later. She promises a fashion show. Lana, you're no Tyra Banks. And I say that with love. Love for Tyra. Kissing. Carn-Evil asks Lana if she wants to get out of town, today. She asks if he's serious. No, he's Seth, but never mind that. He gives her a little of the old pickle tickle (electric version), and Lana's ready to go. She asks where. He says they can just hit the road and see where it takes them. Lana promises to go anywhere with him. Carn-Evil glances at the cash register and says that they're going to need some money. Lana says she's got that covered. More kissing. Carn-Evil tells Lana to meet him out back; he's got a surprise.

The shot is Lana taking money out of the register. A song called "Stupid Girl" is playing. Hee. Lex -- who hasn't been to the Talon in months -- instinctively knows to be there now. Lana hasn't bothered to notice that Lex is the only other person in the building. He asks Lana what she's doing. Lana says she's taking an advance on her part of the profits. Lex says the joke's over, and tells her to put the money back. Lana says it's no joke. She's incapable of that, even in bad-girl form. She tells Lex that she's leaving town with Carn-Evil, and needs the cash. Lex walks out back after Lana. He says she can't be serious. She is serious. And don't call her "Shirley." Lana says she can't stay in town her whole life. She says that her family's all gone, her friends have changed...she found someone who actually wants to be with her. Maybe it's the magnets talking, but this is the most clear-headed and smart Lana talk I've ever heard on the show. This Lana knows the fucking score. Lana says that for the first time in a while, she doesn't feel alone. A car honks. It's Carn-Evil pulling up in a sharp yellow Mustang convertible. Lana laughs. "Hop in," he says, pulling up. Lex says it's a pretty sweet ride for a sixteen-year-old. Is there any doubt that Lex was driving something like that when he was sixteen? Lex tells Lana she's making a serious mistake. Lana tells him to have a nice life. The car peels out, leaving Lex behind. Lex walks back into The Talon, where Clark is. "Where's Lana?" Clark asks. Who cares? You've got Lex to yourself now! Lex tells Clark the sad story of the register that had about $3 in it. Lex picks up the phone to call the sheriff. When Lex's back is turned, Clark superspeeds out of there. This is the only place there might have been a Gayest Look of the Episode, and the two barely glanced at each other. Weak.

A country road. Clark superspeeds down the street and stops to look around. He sees the yellow car turn a corner and start driving toward him. Clark's eyes turn red and he eye-jaculates all over the street, melting the blacktop. The yellow car runs right into it, and the tires sink right into loose gravel. The car stops. Carn-Evil can't figure out what happened. "Trouble," by Pink -- a song I actually quite like -- is playing. Carn-Evil says that the road's melted. My friend, that was some bad acid you took. Lana asks what they're gonna do. What's this "we" shit, Asian-American girl of indeterminate origin on the show? A rig is coming from one side of the street. The cops come the other way, blaring their sirens. Carn-Evil kisses Lana and tells her not to worry; they'll be together. He tells Lana to trust him. Carn-Evil looks like a bug as he jumps out of the car and hitches a ride on the back of a metal tanker. Meanwhile, the cops are coming. They find Lana sitting in the car alone. The sheriff's voice on the speakers tells Lana to stay in the car and put her hands on the dashboard. Lana's pissed. Commercials.

Tom Welling signature promo. The frog looks turned-on.

Lana's in the pokey. Clark comes to visit Lana, and maybe bring her a file baked into a birthday cake. Lana's devastated, because prison wear is orange, not pink. Lana tells Clark that he was right. Clark does some exposition about the sheriff knowing Lana didn't steal the car and Lex getting a lawyer to work on Lana's case. Lana pouts that she was mean to Clark. "You still don't give up on me," she says. He's like the producers. Clark asks if she has any info on Carn-Evil. Lana says that he has a brother work works at a diner in Grandville. She says that they were going to stay with him. Lana offers her hand through the bars. Clark takes it. She thanks him, laying it on a bit thick.

Lex is up in a perch in his office. Chloe walks in and announces that Lex is a Luthor, so it's a given that he's unscrupulous. But she says that larceny is beneath even him. Lex, who is coolly looking at a book up in the library level, asks if Chloe can be more specific. Chloe tells Lex about finding "some creep" in her office stealing her computer. She figures either Lex or Papa Luthor was behind it. Lex says she's accusing him, though. Chloe says that Lex is what they euphemistically call "the lesser of two evils." He's also the sexier of the two. Lex admires Chloe's spunk. Not as much as he admires Clark's, but I digress. He says it took guts for Chloe to face him down. "Or sheer stupidity," he adds. Lex asks if Chloe wants to pay a visit to her intruder.

The mortuary slab. Creepy P.I. is on an exam table, where I'm sure Chloe's not allowed to be. Lex is showing her the bloaty, dead body of her thief. "How did he die?" she asks. I'm guessing Lay's potato chips. Lex says it was natural causes: his heart gave out. Chloe asks if Lex believes that. Lex says that, given what the guy was investigating, he doubts there was anything natural about it. Chloe asks how she knows Lex isn't just playing her. Lex says he could be. He sarcastically says that he often brings high-school girls to the morgue to show them what happens when trained professionals cross his father. Hey, whatever works for you, Lex. Chloe says there's nothing in her files worth killing for. Lex says they've got a corpse that says she's wrong. He warns Chloe that she's involved in a dangerous game. He says he can protect her. "Like you protected him?" Chloe asks. Close-up of a very dead man with thick white chest hair. Lex smiles a bit and says that this guy knew what he was getting into by tangling with Papa Luthor. "You clearly don't," Lex says. He tells Chloe that he's the only chance she's got. Chloe does the sensible thing: she runs off.

By Omar G

Mmmm Michael Rosenbaum signature promo. The WB frog just wet itself.

We're almost through, I swear. Lana swears to Clark that she'll shoot. Clark slowly turns his head toward Carn-Evil. "Get away from him, Clark!" Lana calls out. Clark lets Carn-Evil go. Carn-Evil does his Jedi magnetism, and pulls the gun through the air and into his own hand. He tells Lana that he can take it from here. He points the gun at Clark. He tells Lana to meet him outside. Lana goes. "You need help," Clark tells Carn-Evil. Carn-Evil says that Clark is just saying that because he wants Lana back. But does he? Clark wants a woman like the late Dr. Atkins wanted a cup of sugar and a stack of toast. Carn-Evil cocks his gun and begins firing. Clark dodges and dives over a carnival ride. More gunshots. Carn-Evil is out of bullets. Uh oh. Clark emerges from behind the ride and brushes off some bullet slugs that got stopped by his shoulder. "Looks like I'm not the only one with special powers," Carn-Evil says. He tries his mighty dual-wrist action (I think they did a Real Sex about that, too) and lifts a ride. He tosses it at Clark. Clark catches it and is pushed back against a wall. This is totally like the Yoda/Count Dooku showdown in Star Wars, only not as cool. "You can't fight physics," Carn-Evil says, as he uses his electric boogaloo to pin Clark to the wall. Clark is pushed through a flimsy backdrop, and sees an electrical panel. "Neither can you!" Clark yells, and pulls a trusty electrical cord out of the wall. He somehow creates a magnetic field with the car and the electricity, pulling Carn-Evil onto the front of the little buggy. Carn-Evil is getting electrocuted. How does Clark know this won't kill him? Does he even care? Carn-Evil falls in a smoky heap. Now, Clark goes to help him.

That was too easy.

Medical Center. Lex emerges from an elevator and spots someone mopping with a huge "Community Service" print on the back of a blue jumpsuit. It's Lana. Lex goes to her and compliments her outfit. "It goes with the community service," Lana says. Ya think? She says she's getting off easy for what she did. That jumpsuit looks really loose on Lana. Lana thanks Lex for his help. "What good are lawyers if they can't jump through hoops?" Lex asks. Lex asks about Carn-Evil. Lana says he's still in a coma, and that they don't know what he'll remember if he ever wakes up. Sigh. This again. Lana apologizes for letting Lex down. She asks for her job back at The Talon. "Done," Lex says, before she's even finished asking. He says he makes a lousy latte. I'll bet he's good with the steamed milk, though. Lex tells Lana that he did a lot worse things than stealing a sports car when he was her age. Like what? He also says he's the last person to fault someone for falling for the wrong person. So Lex's forgiveness is predicated on the fact that nobody can do worse than what he did as a teen. He tells Lana that he's sure there's somebody out there for her. Notice he said "out there." He's breaking Clark off for himself for good.

Stately Luthor Manor. Chloe is waiting for Lex as Manservant Huong Lo stands at the ready. Chloe tells Lex that she was thinking about what he said, and decided to side with him and ask for his help. Lex motions to Huong Lo to leave them. Huong Lo goes to Huang some laundry. Lex gives Chloe the floor. She explains about the Wall of Weird, and how Papa Luthor was interested in the meteor rocks, and how he wanted information about some of the more bizarre stuff up there. Lex says it's always been an obsession of his. He says he can't imagine that's the extent of their arrangement. Chloe says that Papa Luthor wanted her to spy on a friend. "Who?" Lex asks, playing dumb. Chloe asks whether it matters. Lex doesn't answer. Chloe admits that it was Clark. Lex asks if she did. "Of course not," Chloe says, but also admits that Papa Luthor threatened to fire her dad. Chloe says that in order to get out of her agreement, she started to dig up dirt on Papa Luthor. She says it had to be something damaging enough to blackmail him with. Lex says that was a dangerous decision. Chloe knows. Now. "I'll protect you, Chloe," Lex says with passionate intensity. "You have my word." Everybody go, "Swoooon!" Lex says that in order to help her, he'll need Chloe to tell him what she knows about Papa Luthor. She asks if he's ever heard of Morgan Edge. Lex says that before he was killed, he was the biggest crime lord in Metropolis. Lex opens up a newspaper showing a photo or Morgan. Chloe says that Morgan was also Papa Luthor's closest childhood friend. Lex obviously didn't know that.

Kent Farm. Clark is up in the loft. He gets a visit, as he does the end of every damn episode this season, from Lana. She thanks Clark for saving her from the one boy who understood her. She apologizes, for real this time. She says she should have believed Clark. Clark says he knows she wasn't acting of her own free will. "Maybe," Lana says, but she still always knew Clark was right, and she always thought he was jealous. She says that may just be the way she wanted Clark to feel. Clark sits and says it wasn't easy to see Lana with another guy. I, for instance, would rather see Lana and a huge tractor bearing down on her, or Lana being thrown from a cliff into a valley of thorns. That would be easy for me. Lana sits to Clark. She asks if Clark isn't sure he still wants to be "that guy." Clark makes a whiny noise, and Lana says she just wanted to make sure before she told Clark that even though her compass was off with this boy, the guy still had the courage to be honest with her. She doesn't condone what Carn-Evil did, but he's still a damn sight better than Clark on the honesty front. She says it felt good to care for someone and have her feelings returned, and that she wants that again. Clark says he doesn't expect Lana to wait for him forever. Lana says that's good, because one of these days, somebody's gonna come along who's right for her. Perhaps a producer who likes pretty girls, or an executive for a clear brand of facial soap. She says she's going to want to be with that person. And Clark's going to have to deal with that. I think he'll do all right on the girl front. Clark thinks about that as we go to black. Speaking of black, when are they just going to kill of Pete already? Let the guy go be on a series that actually uses him.

By Omar G

The pokey. Lana gets up out of her cot when she hears noises in the hall. A guard yells, "Hey, what are you doing in there? You're not supposed to aggggh!" A body drops. Lana sees Carn-Evil come down the hall looking for her. A guard is lying against the far wall. Carn-Evil waves his arm, and the metal door sails open. He does the weird wrist thing, and Lana's cell opens. They hug. Lana's happy to see him. Carn-Evil says he just saw Clark leave, and thought Lana might be having second thoughts. No way, guy. Clark's her past and Carn-Evil's her future, Lana says. She informs him that she gave Clark a bogus story about Carn-Evil's brother in Grandville. A cop stops them, pointing a gun. Carn-Evil swings his arms back, Hallelujah-style, and the metal door slams the cop in the back. He falls. Carn-Evil takes the dropped gun, and he and Lana make a clean getaway.

Kent Home. Clark is totally bummed that Lana gave him bad info. He got duped, bad. "She lied to me. Right to my face, and I believed her," he tells MamaKent. MamaKent says Lana's clearly not herself. Clark is self-aware enough to recognize that he's been lying to Lana just like this since about Day One. MamaKent says that what he does isn't a lie. It's worse than that, in my view. Clark asks if he made the right decision, by pushing her away. Clark, I agreed with you on that 150,000\%. MamaKent doesn't know if it was the right decision. Clark says he misses the days when her answers were yes and no. Well, she's a more complex woman, now, Clark. You should be thankful. Pete shows up in his yellow windbreaker to give his line of the week. He says that Carn-Evil pulled a Bonnie and Clyde and broke Lana out of the jail. Pete says that the sheriff has all the roads blocked. Clark says she's going to ruin her life by being with Carn-Evil. Pete is just itching for something to do. He volunteers to be a human roadblock. Clark says he's going to find Lana and Carn-Evil. MamaKent says that they could be anywhere: they're a needle in a haystack. "Depends on the needle," Clark says stupidly, and takes off to go be a superhuman needle. Fun.

By Omar G

Doop de Doo Action Clark! He's at the fairgrounds and he's got a big-ass compass in a box. Go, Clark, go! The needle is going nuts. Just like me. The box the compass is in has a big anchor on it. Hey there, sailor.

Cut immediately inside one of the rides, the Haunted Tunnel of Whatever. Lana and Carn-Evil are there. Lana can't believe that Carn-Evil came back for her. It's the nicest thing anyone's done for her since lunchtime. He says he'd never leave town with Lana: She's all he's ever wanted. He dreams small. Lana suggests that they leave now, just the two of them. He says it's too dangerous. He has plans to slip out of town on one of the carnival trucks. They kiss. Until...Clark pulls Carn-Evil back and tosses him casually across the floor. The gun slides across the floor, too. "You're not taking her anywhere," Clark says, lifting the kid up by the lapels. Lana suddenly does something, which is very unlike her. She points the gun at Clark. "Let him go!" she tells Clark. Lana looks kinda sexy here. There's a first time for everything.

Mmmm Michael Rosenbaum signature promo. The WB frog just wet itself.

By Omar G

That was too easy.

By Omar G

week: Lex is in an insane asylum and The WB encourages you not to miss the last five minutes. Or the last two pages of the recap.