Starry night. An icy meteor enters the frame from stage (er, space-stage) right, losing little chunks of itself as it goes. The meteor goes near the fiery, sweaty curve of the sun and disintegrates like so much of NBC's fall TV schedule. A flare bursts on the sun's surface, sending up a mass of flame the likes of which hasn't been seen since the last super-sized Will & Grace. (Hey, I've got Scrubs on the brain.) The screen flashes to white.
We're looking at flames on a TV set: it's a news report about solar flares. A graphic on the screen says that a comet hit the sun. Our own flaming supernova, Clark, is watching with keen interest. The news report says it's one of the most significant astrological events of the last century. More significant, even, than the size of Uranus. Clark's playing with a pen as he stares at the TV. In front of him, science publications including Scientific American are laid out on the coffee table. The TV report says that solar flares are causing power surges and satellite-communication disruptions. Just then, Bo and MamaKent walk in, carrying paper grocery sacks. Bo asks Clark to give them a hand. Clark takes a minute because he's just thoroughly engrossed, completely transfixed by the sun. It's as if he's got some strange connection to it. Perhaps Clark is related to the space equivalent of George Hamilton and derives all of his tanning powers from the center of the solar system. He finally gets up and tells the folks he got "sucked in" to the TV news on KPAZ. Bo asks what's the hubbub, bub. Clark explains what happened with the sun and the flares and the NASA and the HEY, LADY! MamaKent says he seems intrigued. Clark likes that it's a cosmic disaster that has nothing to do with him. Yay, disaster! Clark excuses himself to go meet Pete at the Talon. They're going to exchange notes. Clark's note for Pete says, "You should talk less. In general. I think you've overstepped your bounds a little on the show lately." MamaKent offers a ride, but Clark says he'll run. We pan back to the TV. The sun is still hot.
The same broadcast is playing in a seedy bar where somebody picks up a shot of liquor and holds it. Hey, it's the Wild Coyote! I love that place! All my seedy friends drink there. And I love the guy talking! It's Michael McKean, and he's asking the bar in general (the best place to ask philosophical questions) whether his fellow tavern patrons believe in a higher power in the universe. "Sure," the bulky bartender answers. The McKean POV camera shakes a little. McKean is drunk-ass. The bartender asks if he can switch the TV back to the game. McKean moves his face around drunkenly and chuckles. He says that's one small step for man, one giant leap for the Metropolis Sharks. McKean is kind of a dick here. And he's a little bloaty. McKean toasts Littleville, Kansas, and all the little "Kans-assians" in it. Hee. I love this man. He downs his shot as two not-at-all-tough-looking guys to him at the bar look all offended. What are they gonna do, sic their lawyers on him? McKean asks for another shot. The two wussy guys close in. The bartender suggests that our drunk antihero has had enough. McKean bleats that there'll be trouble if the bartender tries to cut him off. There's trouble, but only for McKean. He gets thrown out of the bar into fiery, painful daylight. Hey, a sign says the rodeo finals are coming up! Sweet! I want and demand a Krypto-villain who also rides in the rodeo. McKean stumbles, and his nice brown bag gets thrown, too. He's told not to come back. "Small-town friendly my butt," he says. You know he really wanted to say "ass."
“ 'White. Perry White,' the mysterious McKean says. We hear a whooshing sound for no reason. That's the sound of me falling in love with this character. ”
Sky shot. The sun looks very, very hot. Clark is superrunning down a back road. He moves like one of the zombies from 28 Days Later.... A beige sedan weaves into the street. It's McKean, and he's slurring into a cell phone and trying to read a map at the same time. He tells the phone he hasn't been drinking. The phone can smell it on his breath. McKean is paying attention to everything but the road in front of him. He tries to fold the map as Clark continues his mad dash for distance. Clark suddenly notices something and stops, and it doesn't seem entirely voluntary. His timing's a little off because he ends up right in front of the beige car. (My first car was beige; let's not judge.) McKean weaves and smashes right into a power-line pole. The car horn honks. The power line falls in a blast of sparks, crushing the car. McKean's not looking too good inside. Clark stands amid sparks and crazy electricity, and then superspeeds over to rip the door off the car. Was that really necessary? McKean's mouth hangs open. "Gawwww!" he says silently. Clark carries him and superspeeds a bit of a distance away. In McKean's point of view, we see Clark all blurry. Clark asks if he's all right. "Yew pulled da door right offa car with yer bare hanns!" McKean slurs. Clark also walked through power lines, he notices. Clark tries to play it off by saying the guy's a little drunk. "Mr...?" Clark begins. "White. Perry White," the mysterious McKean says. We hear a whooshing sound for no reason. That's the sound of me falling in love with this character.
I have a feeling we're going to be seeing a lot of this LeBron James guy and a lot of those Looney Toons in the month. Don't think somebody's not writing Space Jam 2 right this very second.
Kent Farm. Home of farmboys, romantic cows, and no crops that I've ever seen. Clark is using his powers to drive fence posts into the ground. He does this all the time, but the fence is never done. Why must you always build fences, Clark? Why? Let your fences hang open! Boom. Fence post. Boom. Fence post. Clark rams a post into the ground and it goes almost all the way down, with just a nub sticking out. Bo comes over to whip his son (it doesn't hurt him, but it helps Bo think), but Clark just says he misjudged his own strength. Bo says that Clark's "friend" Perry White checked himself out of the hospital late the night before. Clark says that Perry's "breathalyzer was off the chart." Bo asks what Perry might have seen. Who knows the horrors that Perry has seen? Clark says that Perry doesn't even remember his name. Just then, Perry pulls up. Never underestimate the memory of a professional drunk. Perry yells, "Clark Kent!" as he hops off the back of the truck he hitched a ride on. The truck has buckets and gas cans just sitting loose in the back. I think somebody in the props department went a little nutty at the dollar store.
“ 'You loan me Clark for a couple of days, we'll call it even,' Perry says. Bo -- who wonders if he'll now need to get a big purple pimp hat -- exchanges a look with Clark. Thus begins Clark's career as a ho. ”
Bo and Clark exchange a look as Perry walks up with a devilish grin, wagging a finger at Clark. He says that, the last time he saw Clark, the farmboy was Frisbee-ing the car door and ignoring high-voltage lines. They shake hands. Charmingly, Perry says he was trying to figure out which of the four Clarks in front of him he should thank when they hauled him in the ambulance. Nothing's funnier than drunk humor. Perry shakes with Bo, who says he hopes Perry's feeling better. "Well, that's relative," Perry says. Cool. "Fine" would have been a cheap response. Perry says his car is crunched, he called the sheriff a "hillbilly cartoon" (dude, you should have seen the last one), he got a DUI, and got in trouble with his assignment editor. Perry seems remarkably chipper for having had such a shit day. Clark, keenly observant, says, "You're a reporter?" Perry says he was in a past life. Right now he's the advance man for X Styles, a TV show about the paranormal. Bo asks why he's here. Perry says he's investigating the meteor shower and the freaky stuff it spawned. Bo grins and does the skeptical thing where he acts like someone's crazy for believing that crap. How does it feel to live on a farm where the only crops you raise are lies? "It's right up there with the Tooth Fairy," Perry agrees. Bo suddenly likes this guy. He starts to think it might be all right to introduce him to his bovine friends. Perry notices one of the fence stakes leaning against some hay. "Don't you need tools for a job like that?" he asks Clark. Clark thinks tools are the devil's work. Clark changes the subject to ask why Perry came all the way out to their farm. Perry gets right to it: he wants to talk about a settlement for Clark's dumb ass being in the middle of the road and causing his crash. Before Bo can stress out too much about cash, Perry says he just wants a town guide to schlep him around. "You loan me Clark for a couple of days, we'll call it even," he says. Bo -- who wonders if he'll now need to get a big purple pimp hat -- exchanges a look with Clark. Thus begins Clark's career as a ho. ["'Begins'?" -- Wing Chun]
Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is blabbing about the castle dcor. Papa Luthor went for historical accuracy, but Lex is considering adding some modern touches. You know, some Mapplethorpe prints, the most darling chaise lounge chair he saw in a Pottery Barn catalog, maybe a Turkish bath area that replicates the one Lex used to go to in Metropolis. Lex even considers going abstract: is there an abstract work featuring two red circles that are supposed to be two men blowing each other? "Any thoughts, doctor?" Lex asks an older black woman who is clearly bored and not at all impressed by Lex's home filibuster. There's also something up with her eyes, but I can't quite figure out what. I'm going to call her "Doctor Unamused," because "Doctor With The Weird Eyes" would just be mean. Lex playfully says that the term for not accepting the inevitable is "Denial." He's carrying a class of orange juice in a tall, long, gold-rimmed glass. He says that no amount of probing (there's that word) can uncover emotional issues that don't exist. "Now who's in denial?" says Doctor Unamused, clearly unamused. Lex -- who's standing behind his desk chair is a passive-aggressive fashion -- says that he has nothing to hide. Unamused, with her short, severe haircut, asks Lex to tell her about the island and the imaginary enemy he was raving about when they found him. Lex shakes his head and says he was suffering from malaria. But no! You're wrong, Lex! You busted! Unamused notes, without a trace of humor, that she saw Lex's blood work and there was no sign of illness. They did find startling amounts of Sexy, though. Unamused says that even illness wouldn't explain Lex's reluctance to talk about his conflicted feelings about his father. Aw, shit, Lex isn't gonna cry and talk about how his pee-pee got touched when he was four, is he? Because that's exactly what this show needs: another whiny character who blames everything around him or her for his or her own problems and wears pink. Resist the pink, Lex! Do not surrender to the pink! Unamused tries to talk, but Lex interrupts her. He says that the insurance company demanded he have five psychiatric sessions, and their final hour is now up. "I'll miss our sessions," Lex says, with the subtext, "I so totally won't so much that you dont even know, Miss Snooty Psychiatrist lady. Nyah nyah!" Lex's interior monologue is not quite as smooth and mature as the rest of him is. Unamused doesn't think this is funny. She gets up and walks out. Lex leans back in his chair and takes a deep breath after she's gone. Dominance. How sweet it tastes upon the back of the throat.
The Talon. Clark and Perry walk in. Clark is frustrated that Perry only wanted to see two meteor craters. Doesn't Perry want to see the wonders of the town? The witty Talon marquee? The caves of rave? The various spots where freaks of the week have been impaled, crushed, or burnt to tiny potato chip-shaped crisps? Perry says he wants substance. And coffee, presumably. He wants texture and a human dimension. Maybe he needs to skip over to Six Feet Under or Joan of Arcadia. Lana -- wearing what looks like a toddler's print shirt -- asks Clark if everything's all right. Pete waited for Clark the night before, but he never showed. Pete waits for a lot of things on this show and never gets them: a storyline, lines, basic respect.
"Hiiiii! Perry White," Perry says, intruding his oily self into the conversation. He orders a triple cappuccino as Lana rolls her eyes toward Clark. He also orders a couple of glazed crullers and...an interview. He slaps down an old copy of Time magazine with Little Orphan Lana crying on the cover. Perry calls Lana the town's very own cover girl. Actually, the brand is Neutrogena. Lana looks at her own pouty child face on the magazine cover. "What're you doing?" Clark asks when Lana can't respond. Perry lowers his eyebrows and smiles a wolf's smile. "It's called getting the story," he says. Perry just needs a simple Q&A, and I can't really improve on this: "You know, how's Miss Meteor coping fifteen years after the big bang?" Fifteen years? That would make Lana about nineteen, wouldn't it? "Maybe this is a joke to you," Lana begins. It's not that it's a joke, it's that it lends itself to lots of jokes. "...But my parents died that day," Lana finishes. No! Whoh, wait, when did that happen? Did you guys hear about this? I am totally and suddenly sympathetic to Lana's plight in life. Perry says he's sorry, but that makes Lana newsworthy. Er, fifteen years ago. Clark's had enough. Lana's face sputters. Clark tries to get Perry to come with him, but our journalistic bastard insists that either Lana surrenders now, or she'll face a camera crew in the morning. Lana, of course, turns it on Clark and whines that she can't believe Clark is with "this guy." She says they should both leave. Clark tells Perry, after Lana stalks away (mercifully, we don't have to watch her crying through the Eternally Swinging Door), that he didn't know Lana was on Perry's agenda. Perry says he didn't know Clark knew her. Perry says he's sorry, but that she's a legitimate source. Clark disagrees. Perry says he needs more faces for his story, and pulls out a copy of The Torch. He says that the school newspaper has developed a reputation in the "bug-eyed monster circles." Clark acts like he has no idea what that means. "Because I did, like, three minutes of research before I came into town," Perry snarks. I know it's completely impossible, scientifically, but can Perry have my babies? Perry asks if the Torch's editor might know something about the meteor shower. "How would I know?" Clark asks. There's playing dumb and then there's playing fucking stupid. Clark, right now you're not just playing dumb. "Principal authorizes new gym mats," Perry reads off the front page of The Torch, "by Clark Kent." Perry says he was riveted.
“ Chloe didn't really take down the Wall last week. Please forgive me. As penance, I forced myself to watch Lana/Clark kissing scenes from episodes past until my hands turned into twisted claws and my heart shrank three sizes. I'm a shadow of a man now. ”
Torch office. The Wall of Weird. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I know. Chloe didn't really take down the Wall last week, it was part of a dream. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, you can stop emailing me now. Please forgive me. As penance, I forced myself to watch Lana/Clark kissing scenes from episodes past until my hands turned into twisted claws and my heart shrank three sizes. I'm a shadow of a man now. ["'Now'? (Just kidding.)" -- Wing Chun] Clark, standing by the wall with his new friend, tells Perry they should go. "I thought our stuff was off the wall," Perry says in wonder. No, it's on the wall. On this wall. Wall, wall, wall. I'm sick of hearing about the Wall of Weird, you hear me!? (Deep breaths.) Perry says it's incredible. "It's also all true," Chloe says, appearing suddenly in a bright red top and a belt the size of an actual belt sander. Clark tells her that "Mr. White" is interested in the meteor shower and wanted a look at her stuff. Chloe is cool with that. Perry says that he's already borrowed two or three of Chloe's ideas for his show. He asks if she makes it all up herself, or if she brings in other writers. Chloe does a little eye-roll take. "Excuse me?" she asks. It's completely out of the realm of possibility to Chloe that an outsider might think her creepy stories of firestarters and monster fat suckers might not be accepted as truth. Perry presents his card and says it's not every day he meets another "junk journalist with a penchant for the bizarre." I love this character. Can we keep him? Please, please, can we? Huh? Please? Chloe looks at the card, but her thumb is covering the first name. "'X Styles'?" she asks. Perry sort of chuckles and nods. Chloe says she has a penchant for the truth, which Perry's "freaks and shrieks" show gave up around Episode Two. Ah yes, "Episode II: The Fandom Menace," in which hardcore fans of Star Wars were revealed to have had actual sex with actual humans. Nobody bought it for a second. "That's it, we're done," Clark says as he leads Perry away. Perry is giggling. Clark is completely ineffectual in these last two scenes. You'd think he'd let out a little of that red Kryptonite anger. I think Clark has a little crush on Perry, too. Chloe moves her thumb and reveals, "Perry White, journalist." She tells Perry to wait, and asks if he's The Perry White. Perry's smile fades. He licks his lips and says he's going to go back to the hotel; he advises the "young lovers" to patch things up. He makes a quick, dodgy exit. Chloe asks Clark is he has any idea who that was. Clark barely knows whether he's wearing shoes right now.
Lair of Lex. Lex is leaning back in a chair with his eyes closed, listening to the sounds of the ocean, probably played on one of those super-expensive little Bose systems. As an audio wave crashes, a hand reaches for Lex, and Lex grabs the hand. It's Lana, and she's feeling saaaaad. Awwww. Poor widdle Wana. It makes me want to cwyyyy. All right, sorry, that's annoying. But not as annoying as Pinky Whinesalot over here. Lex looks surprised to see Lana, which is understandable given that she didn't knock or announce herself or have security call ahead. Lana deserves any red marks on her wrist she gets. Lana says she's interrupting. Lex gets up to turn off the ocean and says that while he hated the sound on the island, now it's the only thing that relaxes him. Oh, it's not a Bose system. But it is a pretty CD player. Lana says that Lex must think about what happened every day. It would be funny if Lex made up a dramatic story about how a coconut fell from a tree and crushed two small sand crabs whom he'd begun to think of as adoptive parents. Instead, Lex changes the subject: he guesses that's not why Lana came over. Because she's selfish and wouldn't care about anything in Lex's life anyway. He's way ahead of the rest of the characters in figuring that out. Lana -- who is still wearing a Partridge Family shirt -- tells Lex about a tabloid journalist and his interview request. "A succinct 'no comment' didn't dissuade him?" Lex asks. I love how he talks. Very Lexy. Lana says no; he threatened to come back with a camera crew. Lana says she's spent the last fourteen years trying to put that day behind her. By mentioning it every day to get sympathy. It's her way of dealing with it. "And in an instant, he brought it all back," she says. Lex blinks. Lana says she was hoping Lex could do something. Lex turns away and walks behind his desk. He says he's surprised she didn't go to Clark. "Clark's with him," Lana says. "With him?" Lex thinks, "Noooooooo! That bitch!" Lex asks if Lana wants him to run Perry out of town. Lex is totally going to get a homo posse together. Lana just says she wants Perry to stop. Lex says he must have been very persistent. He asks the dude's name. "Perry White," Lana says. Lex says he'll make sure Perry never bothers her again. No "thank you" from Lana. Lex allows himself a tiny half-smile.
Wild Coyote. On the jukebox, LeAnn Rimes's "Blue" is playing. Clark walks in from the searing white light outside, looking for Perry. Sure, they just let a high-school kid walk right into the bar. Perry is proud that Clark found him: "You may have the makings of a reporter yet." It's shameful that despite the fact that entertaining characters like this exist in the show's universe, the plots focus week after week on She Who Must Be Clear-Skinned. I guess the motto on the dry erase board is, "Think Pink!" Clark asks if Perry means a reporter like Perry used to be. Clark says that he and Chloe did some checking after Perry left. "Memories fade, but a Google search never forgets," the drunkard says. Love. Love him. Perry reaches for his glass, and Clark pulls it away. Clark says that another drink won't change the fact that Perry used to be one of the best reporters in Metropolis: "What happened?" Perry says that life is a journey, grasshopper. And sometimes the road is a little smooth with some lubricant. Tell Clark one he doesn't know. Perry takes a drink. Clark says maybe it's the journalist in him that's making him concerned, or maybe it's that he thinks you shouldn't turn your back on a gift you were given. Perry says he's made two mistakes: getting into journalism and thinking it mattered. Damn, Perry. You're hitting kinda close to home, here. Perry tries to order another drink, but Clark stops him. Perry does a little whoop with his voice and says he can't figure Clark out: he threatened his parents, pissed off his girlfriend, and annoyed his "lady editor." Yet Clark is playing the hero. Over by the door, surrounded by bright light, an ethereal voice (if "ethereal" and "hot" are not mutually exclusive) tells Perry that Clark's faith in others sometimes overrides his common sense. It's Lex! Damn, that was smooth. Lex says he'll deal with Perry, as our lushy journalist stands there with his mouth hanging open. Don't worry, Perry: that's a natural reaction to Lex. Perry says he may have underestimated Clark. Oh, yes. They're totally doing it. Perry tries to talk his way out of a bad situation by telling Lex that if it's about his dad, he has no intention of revisiting the past with what happened in Metropolis. Clark is curious. Lex says it's not about Papa Luthor; it's about Perry. Clark tries to interject, but Lex puts his bitch in his place. He says that after the way Perry talked to Lana, he'd expect that Clark would admire his restraint. Wait, did he say "restraints"? Because Clark's definitely shown admiration for those in the past with Lex. Awkward moment. Lex says, "Let's go." He and Perry do. Clark is left behind to drink his underage troubles away. But first he watches them go for what seems like forever.