Perry White Is All Right

S03E05

By Omar G

Starry night. An icy meteor enters the frame from stage (er, space-stage) right, losing little chunks of itself as it goes. The meteor goes near the fiery, sweaty curve of the sun and disintegrates like so much of NBC's fall TV schedule. A flare bursts on the sun's surface, sending up a mass of flame the likes of which hasn't been seen since the last super-sized Will & Grace. (Hey, I've got Scrubs on the brain.) The screen flashes to white.

We're looking at flames on a TV set: it's a news report about solar flares. A graphic on the screen says that a comet hit the sun. Our own flaming supernova, Clark, is watching with keen interest. The news report says it's one of the most significant astrological events of the last century. More significant, even, than the size of Uranus. Clark's playing with a pen as he stares at the TV. In front of him, science publications including Scientific American are laid out on the coffee table. The TV report says that solar flares are causing power surges and satellite-communication disruptions. Just then, Bo and MamaKent walk in, carrying paper grocery sacks. Bo asks Clark to give them a hand. Clark takes a minute because he's just thoroughly engrossed, completely transfixed by the sun. It's as if he's got some strange connection to it. Perhaps Clark is related to the space equivalent of George Hamilton and derives all of his tanning powers from the center of the solar system. He finally gets up and tells the folks he got "sucked in" to the TV news on KPAZ. Bo asks what's the hubbub, bub. Clark explains what happened with the sun and the flares and the NASA and the HEY, LADY! MamaKent says he seems intrigued. Clark likes that it's a cosmic disaster that has nothing to do with him. Yay, disaster! Clark excuses himself to go meet Pete at the Talon. They're going to exchange notes. Clark's note for Pete says, "You should talk less. In general. I think you've overstepped your bounds a little on the show lately." MamaKent offers a ride, but Clark says he'll run. We pan back to the TV. The sun is still hot.

The same broadcast is playing in a seedy bar where somebody picks up a shot of liquor and holds it. Hey, it's the Wild Coyote! I love that place! All my seedy friends drink there. And I love the guy talking! It's Michael McKean, and he's asking the bar in general (the best place to ask philosophical questions) whether his fellow tavern patrons believe in a higher power in the universe. "Sure," the bulky bartender answers. The McKean POV camera shakes a little. McKean is drunk-ass. The bartender asks if he can switch the TV back to the game. McKean moves his face around drunkenly and chuckles. He says that's one small step for man, one giant leap for the Metropolis Sharks. McKean is kind of a dick here. And he's a little bloaty. McKean toasts Littleville, Kansas, and all the little "Kans-assians" in it. Hee. I love this man. He downs his shot as two not-at-all-tough-looking guys to him at the bar look all offended. What are they gonna do, sic their lawyers on him? McKean asks for another shot. The two wussy guys close in. The bartender suggests that our drunk antihero has had enough. McKean bleats that there'll be trouble if the bartender tries to cut him off. There's trouble, but only for McKean. He gets thrown out of the bar into fiery, painful daylight. Hey, a sign says the rodeo finals are coming up! Sweet! I want and demand a Krypto-villain who also rides in the rodeo. McKean stumbles, and his nice brown bag gets thrown, too. He's told not to come back. "Small-town friendly my butt," he says. You know he really wanted to say "ass."

Sky shot. The sun looks very, very hot. Clark is superrunning down a back road. He moves like one of the zombies from 28 Days Later.... A beige sedan weaves into the street. It's McKean, and he's slurring into a cell phone and trying to read a map at the same time. He tells the phone he hasn't been drinking. The phone can smell it on his breath. McKean is paying attention to everything but the road in front of him. He tries to fold the map as Clark continues his mad dash for distance. Clark suddenly notices something and stops, and it doesn't seem entirely voluntary. His timing's a little off because he ends up right in front of the beige car. (My first car was beige; let's not judge.) McKean weaves and smashes right into a power-line pole. The car horn honks. The power line falls in a blast of sparks, crushing the car. McKean's not looking too good inside. Clark stands amid sparks and crazy electricity, and then superspeeds over to rip the door off the car. Was that really necessary? McKean's mouth hangs open. "Gawwww!" he says silently. Clark carries him and superspeeds a bit of a distance away. In McKean's point of view, we see Clark all blurry. Clark asks if he's all right. "Yew pulled da door right offa car with yer bare hanns!" McKean slurs. Clark also walked through power lines, he notices. Clark tries to play it off by saying the guy's a little drunk. "Mr...?" Clark begins. "White. Perry White," the mysterious McKean says. We hear a whooshing sound for no reason. That's the sound of me falling in love with this character.

I have a feeling we're going to be seeing a lot of this LeBron James guy and a lot of those Looney Toons in the month. Don't think somebody's not writing Space Jam 2 right this very second.

Kent Farm. Home of farmboys, romantic cows, and no crops that I've ever seen. Clark is using his powers to drive fence posts into the ground. He does this all the time, but the fence is never done. Why must you always build fences, Clark? Why? Let your fences hang open! Boom. Fence post. Boom. Fence post. Clark rams a post into the ground and it goes almost all the way down, with just a nub sticking out. Bo comes over to whip his son (it doesn't hurt him, but it helps Bo think), but Clark just says he misjudged his own strength. Bo says that Clark's "friend" Perry White checked himself out of the hospital late the night before. Clark says that Perry's "breathalyzer was off the chart." Bo asks what Perry might have seen. Who knows the horrors that Perry has seen? Clark says that Perry doesn't even remember his name. Just then, Perry pulls up. Never underestimate the memory of a professional drunk. Perry yells, "Clark Kent!" as he hops off the back of the truck he hitched a ride on. The truck has buckets and gas cans just sitting loose in the back. I think somebody in the props department went a little nutty at the dollar store.

Bo and Clark exchange a look as Perry walks up with a devilish grin, wagging a finger at Clark. He says that, the last time he saw Clark, the farmboy was Frisbee-ing the car door and ignoring high-voltage lines. They shake hands. Charmingly, Perry says he was trying to figure out which of the four Clarks in front of him he should thank when they hauled him in the ambulance. Nothing's funnier than drunk humor. Perry shakes with Bo, who says he hopes Perry's feeling better. "Well, that's relative," Perry says. Cool. "Fine" would have been a cheap response. Perry says his car is crunched, he called the sheriff a "hillbilly cartoon" (dude, you should have seen the last one), he got a DUI, and got in trouble with his assignment editor. Perry seems remarkably chipper for having had such a shit day. Clark, keenly observant, says, "You're a reporter?" Perry says he was in a past life. Right now he's the advance man for X Styles, a TV show about the paranormal. Bo asks why he's here. Perry says he's investigating the meteor shower and the freaky stuff it spawned. Bo grins and does the skeptical thing where he acts like someone's crazy for believing that crap. How does it feel to live on a farm where the only crops you raise are lies? "It's right up there with the Tooth Fairy," Perry agrees. Bo suddenly likes this guy. He starts to think it might be all right to introduce him to his bovine friends. Perry notices one of the fence stakes leaning against some hay. "Don't you need tools for a job like that?" he asks Clark. Clark thinks tools are the devil's work. Clark changes the subject to ask why Perry came all the way out to their farm. Perry gets right to it: he wants to talk about a settlement for Clark's dumb ass being in the middle of the road and causing his crash. Before Bo can stress out too much about cash, Perry says he just wants a town guide to schlep him around. "You loan me Clark for a couple of days, we'll call it even," he says. Bo -- who wonders if he'll now need to get a big purple pimp hat -- exchanges a look with Clark. Thus begins Clark's career as a ho. ["'Begins'?" -- Wing Chun]

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is blabbing about the castle décor. Papa Luthor went for historical accuracy, but Lex is considering adding some modern touches. You know, some Mapplethorpe prints, the most darling chaise lounge chair he saw in a Pottery Barn catalog, maybe a Turkish bath area that replicates the one Lex used to go to in Metropolis. Lex even considers going abstract: is there an abstract work featuring two red circles that are supposed to be two men blowing each other? "Any thoughts, doctor?" Lex asks an older black woman who is clearly bored and not at all impressed by Lex's home filibuster. There's also something up with her eyes, but I can't quite figure out what. I'm going to call her "Doctor Unamused," because "Doctor With The Weird Eyes" would just be mean. Lex playfully says that the term for not accepting the inevitable is "Denial." He's carrying a class of orange juice in a tall, long, gold-rimmed glass. He says that no amount of probing (there's that word) can uncover emotional issues that don't exist. "Now who's in denial?" says Doctor Unamused, clearly unamused. Lex -- who's standing behind his desk chair is a passive-aggressive fashion -- says that he has nothing to hide. Unamused, with her short, severe haircut, asks Lex to tell her about the island and the imaginary enemy he was raving about when they found him. Lex shakes his head and says he was suffering from malaria. But no! You're wrong, Lex! You busted! Unamused notes, without a trace of humor, that she saw Lex's blood work and there was no sign of illness. They did find startling amounts of Sexy, though. Unamused says that even illness wouldn't explain Lex's reluctance to talk about his conflicted feelings about his father. Aw, shit, Lex isn't gonna cry and talk about how his pee-pee got touched when he was four, is he? Because that's exactly what this show needs: another whiny character who blames everything around him or her for his or her own problems and wears pink. Resist the pink, Lex! Do not surrender to the pink! Unamused tries to talk, but Lex interrupts her. He says that the insurance company demanded he have five psychiatric sessions, and their final hour is now up. "I'll miss our sessions," Lex says, with the subtext, "I so totally won't so much that you don’t even know, Miss Snooty Psychiatrist lady. Nyah nyah!" Lex's interior monologue is not quite as smooth and mature as the rest of him is. Unamused doesn't think this is funny. She gets up and walks out. Lex leans back in his chair and takes a deep breath after she's gone. Dominance. How sweet it tastes upon the back of the throat.

The Talon. Clark and Perry walk in. Clark is frustrated that Perry only wanted to see two meteor craters. Doesn't Perry want to see the wonders of the town? The witty Talon marquee? The caves of rave? The various spots where freaks of the week have been impaled, crushed, or burnt to tiny potato chip-shaped crisps? Perry says he wants substance. And coffee, presumably. He wants texture and a human dimension. Maybe he needs to skip over to Six Feet Under or Joan of Arcadia. Lana -- wearing what looks like a toddler's print shirt -- asks Clark if everything's all right. Pete waited for Clark the night before, but he never showed. Pete waits for a lot of things on this show and never gets them: a storyline, lines, basic respect.

"Hiiiii! Perry White," Perry says, intruding his oily self into the conversation. He orders a triple cappuccino as Lana rolls her eyes toward Clark. He also orders a couple of glazed crullers and...an interview. He slaps down an old copy of Time magazine with Little Orphan Lana crying on the cover. Perry calls Lana the town's very own cover girl. Actually, the brand is Neutrogena. Lana looks at her own pouty child face on the magazine cover. "What're you doing?" Clark asks when Lana can't respond. Perry lowers his eyebrows and smiles a wolf's smile. "It's called getting the story," he says. Perry just needs a simple Q&A, and I can't really improve on this: "You know, how's Miss Meteor coping fifteen years after the big bang?" Fifteen years? That would make Lana about nineteen, wouldn't it? "Maybe this is a joke to you," Lana begins. It's not that it's a joke, it's that it lends itself to lots of jokes. "...But my parents died that day," Lana finishes. No! Whoh, wait, when did that happen? Did you guys hear about this? I am totally and suddenly sympathetic to Lana's plight in life. Perry says he's sorry, but that makes Lana newsworthy. Er, fifteen years ago. Clark's had enough. Lana's face sputters. Clark tries to get Perry to come with him, but our journalistic bastard insists that either Lana surrenders now, or she'll face a camera crew in the morning. Lana, of course, turns it on Clark and whines that she can't believe Clark is with "this guy." She says they should both leave. Clark tells Perry, after Lana stalks away (mercifully, we don't have to watch her crying through the Eternally Swinging Door), that he didn't know Lana was on Perry's agenda. Perry says he didn't know Clark knew her. Perry says he's sorry, but that she's a legitimate source. Clark disagrees. Perry says he needs more faces for his story, and pulls out a copy of The Torch. He says that the school newspaper has developed a reputation in the "bug-eyed monster circles." Clark acts like he has no idea what that means. "Because I did, like, three minutes of research before I came into town," Perry snarks. I know it's completely impossible, scientifically, but can Perry have my babies? Perry asks if the Torch's editor might know something about the meteor shower. "How would I know?" Clark asks. There's playing dumb and then there's playing fucking stupid. Clark, right now you're not just playing dumb. "Principal authorizes new gym mats," Perry reads off the front page of The Torch, "by Clark Kent." Perry says he was riveted.

Torch office. The Wall of Weird. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I know. Chloe didn't really take down the Wall last week, it was part of a dream. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, you can stop emailing me now. Please forgive me. As penance, I forced myself to watch Lana/Clark kissing scenes from episodes past until my hands turned into twisted claws and my heart shrank three sizes. I'm a shadow of a man now. ["'Now'? (Just kidding.)" -- Wing Chun] Clark, standing by the wall with his new friend, tells Perry they should go. "I thought our stuff was off the wall," Perry says in wonder. No, it's on the wall. On this wall. Wall, wall, wall. I'm sick of hearing about the Wall of Weird, you hear me!? (Deep breaths.) Perry says it's incredible. "It's also all true," Chloe says, appearing suddenly in a bright red top and a belt the size of an actual belt sander. Clark tells her that "Mr. White" is interested in the meteor shower and wanted a look at her stuff. Chloe is cool with that. Perry says that he's already borrowed two or three of Chloe's ideas for his show. He asks if she makes it all up herself, or if she brings in other writers. Chloe does a little eye-roll take. "Excuse me?" she asks. It's completely out of the realm of possibility to Chloe that an outsider might think her creepy stories of firestarters and monster fat suckers might not be accepted as truth. Perry presents his card and says it's not every day he meets another "junk journalist with a penchant for the bizarre." I love this character. Can we keep him? Please, please, can we? Huh? Please? Chloe looks at the card, but her thumb is covering the first name. "'X Styles'?" she asks. Perry sort of chuckles and nods. Chloe says she has a penchant for the truth, which Perry's "freaks and shrieks" show gave up around Episode Two. Ah yes, "Episode II: The Fandom Menace," in which hardcore fans of Star Wars were revealed to have had actual sex with actual humans. Nobody bought it for a second. "That's it, we're done," Clark says as he leads Perry away. Perry is giggling. Clark is completely ineffectual in these last two scenes. You'd think he'd let out a little of that red Kryptonite anger. I think Clark has a little crush on Perry, too. Chloe moves her thumb and reveals, "Perry White, journalist." She tells Perry to wait, and asks if he's The Perry White. Perry's smile fades. He licks his lips and says he's going to go back to the hotel; he advises the "young lovers" to patch things up. He makes a quick, dodgy exit. Chloe asks Clark is he has any idea who that was. Clark barely knows whether he's wearing shoes right now.

Lair of Lex. Lex is leaning back in a chair with his eyes closed, listening to the sounds of the ocean, probably played on one of those super-expensive little Bose systems. As an audio wave crashes, a hand reaches for Lex, and Lex grabs the hand. It's Lana, and she's feeling saaaaad. Awwww. Poor widdle Wana. It makes me want to cwyyyy. All right, sorry, that's annoying. But not as annoying as Pinky Whinesalot over here. Lex looks surprised to see Lana, which is understandable given that she didn't knock or announce herself or have security call ahead. Lana deserves any red marks on her wrist she gets. Lana says she's interrupting. Lex gets up to turn off the ocean and says that while he hated the sound on the island, now it's the only thing that relaxes him. Oh, it's not a Bose system. But it is a pretty CD player. Lana says that Lex must think about what happened every day. It would be funny if Lex made up a dramatic story about how a coconut fell from a tree and crushed two small sand crabs whom he'd begun to think of as adoptive parents. Instead, Lex changes the subject: he guesses that's not why Lana came over. Because she's selfish and wouldn't care about anything in Lex's life anyway. He's way ahead of the rest of the characters in figuring that out. Lana -- who is still wearing a Partridge Family shirt -- tells Lex about a tabloid journalist and his interview request. "A succinct 'no comment' didn't dissuade him?" Lex asks. I love how he talks. Very Lexy. Lana says no; he threatened to come back with a camera crew. Lana says she's spent the last fourteen years trying to put that day behind her. By mentioning it every day to get sympathy. It's her way of dealing with it. "And in an instant, he brought it all back," she says. Lex blinks. Lana says she was hoping Lex could do something. Lex turns away and walks behind his desk. He says he's surprised she didn't go to Clark. "Clark's with him," Lana says. "With him?" Lex thinks, "Noooooooo! That bitch!" Lex asks if Lana wants him to run Perry out of town. Lex is totally going to get a homo posse together. Lana just says she wants Perry to stop. Lex says he must have been very persistent. He asks the dude's name. "Perry White," Lana says. Lex says he'll make sure Perry never bothers her again. No "thank you" from Lana. Lex allows himself a tiny half-smile.

Wild Coyote. On the jukebox, LeAnn Rimes's "Blue" is playing. Clark walks in from the searing white light outside, looking for Perry. Sure, they just let a high-school kid walk right into the bar. Perry is proud that Clark found him: "You may have the makings of a reporter yet." It's shameful that despite the fact that entertaining characters like this exist in the show's universe, the plots focus week after week on She Who Must Be Clear-Skinned. I guess the motto on the dry erase board is, "Think Pink!" Clark asks if Perry means a reporter like Perry used to be. Clark says that he and Chloe did some checking after Perry left. "Memories fade, but a Google search never forgets," the drunkard says. Love. Love him. Perry reaches for his glass, and Clark pulls it away. Clark says that another drink won't change the fact that Perry used to be one of the best reporters in Metropolis: "What happened?" Perry says that life is a journey, grasshopper. And sometimes the road is a little smooth with some lubricant. Tell Clark one he doesn't know. Perry takes a drink. Clark says maybe it's the journalist in him that's making him concerned, or maybe it's that he thinks you shouldn't turn your back on a gift you were given. Perry says he's made two mistakes: getting into journalism and thinking it mattered. Damn, Perry. You're hitting kinda close to home, here. Perry tries to order another drink, but Clark stops him. Perry does a little whoop with his voice and says he can't figure Clark out: he threatened his parents, pissed off his girlfriend, and annoyed his "lady editor." Yet Clark is playing the hero. Over by the door, surrounded by bright light, an ethereal voice (if "ethereal" and "hot" are not mutually exclusive) tells Perry that Clark's faith in others sometimes overrides his common sense. It's Lex! Damn, that was smooth. Lex says he'll deal with Perry, as our lushy journalist stands there with his mouth hanging open. Don't worry, Perry: that's a natural reaction to Lex. Perry says he may have underestimated Clark. Oh, yes. They're totally doing it. Perry tries to talk his way out of a bad situation by telling Lex that if it's about his dad, he has no intention of revisiting the past with what happened in Metropolis. Clark is curious. Lex says it's not about Papa Luthor; it's about Perry. Clark tries to interject, but Lex puts his bitch in his place. He says that after the way Perry talked to Lana, he'd expect that Clark would admire his restraint. Wait, did he say "restraints"? Because Clark's definitely shown admiration for those in the past with Lex. Awkward moment. Lex says, "Let's go." He and Perry do. Clark is left behind to drink his underage troubles away. But first he watches them go for what seems like forever.

The place in town where a nasty dirt road meets a two-lane. Lex's car pulls into the dirt portion of this crossroad. Perry gets out of the car and bitches that even for a Luthor, the "get out of Dodge" routine is heavy-handed. Lex counters by complaining about the way Perry picked on Lana, sniffing that using people always came easy to this guy. Lex recounts the one time they met, when Lex was in boarding school, and Perry charmed his way into a conversation. It took Lex ten minutes to tell Perry to go to hell. Yet, he's still here. Perry says he was just doing his job. Lex says he was only sixteen (oh, sweet, Lexy sixteen), and Perry was scrounging for Papa Luthor dirt. Perry says that's what this is about. Lex says that if Perry had anything on Papa Luthor, it would have come out then. Perry laughs. He says that if Lex believes that, he almost feels sorry for him. Lex is taking a page from his psychiatrist's book: he's deeply unamused. He tells Perry to make sure he's on the 4 o'clock bus. He dumps Perry's bag on the road (that bag gets no respect whatsoever) and drives off. Poor Perry. Perry pulls out a flask. "So much for not drinking before 5," he mutters. And he picked a fine day to quit sniffin' glue.

Kent Farm. Bo Duke is fixing a damn tractor. Their machinery never works. They should just go Amish already and get it over with. Clark tells Bo that Perry left. Bo says he's been trying to get his tractor up on a block (white automotive fashion!) for an hour. He asks Clark for help. Clark tries to lift the tractor. Nothing happens. He needs Superhero Viagra. Clark tries again. He even grunts. Clark says it's like he's lost all his strength. Bo tells Clark to give it one more try. (But not the old college try, because the show's not there yet.) Clark tries again, and the tractor flies the fuck up into the sky and far away. It hurtles through the air hilariously. Clark and Bo watch it go and wait for it to land on a kindergarten class.

Instead, we cut to Perry and his flask. He's unscrewing the top when the tractor lands upside down right in front of him. It smashes. Perry looks at it. His expression is, in a world of mass consumerism, totally priceless. He turns over the flask and pours out his drink without changing expression. Clark superspeeds into the scene, which Perry notices. He and Clark exchange a "busted!" look. Commercials.

The guy in the new McDonald's commercial totally rules.

It's a Kansas tractor pull. Literally. A tow truck is trying to figure out what the fuck to do while Sheriff Cheshire surveys the scene. She is, as always, creepy and scary. She finds a license plate lying bent on the street. She asks Bo, who's now on the scene, how his tractor ended up scattered on the road. "Yeah, uh," Bo begins. He's really not equipped to deal with this level of expert bullshit. Bo makes up a story about somebody trying to load their tractor on the back of a flatbed. Clark says he followed the thieves, and it must have fallen out of their truck. And then some penguins caught fire and the Hamburglar showed up! But he wanted a tractor instead of burgers! Perry breaks in (like the wind) and says it fell out of the sky. "And last night you were beggin' the nurses to keep the flying monkeys out of your room," Cheshire tells him. Touché. Disturbing, yet touché. Perry tries to get Clark to say what he knows. Clark tells the sheriff that he really doesn't know what happened. "He's hidin' something, Chief," Perry tells her. Cheshire tells Perry to catch the bus. "And don't call me 'Chief,'" she says angrily. That's it? No investigation? She really and truly does suck. Yet I can't help liking her. As Bo and Clark walk off, Clark apologizes for wrecking the tractor. Instead of worrying about the financial ruin caused by his son, Bo is more concerned about Perry White. Perry watches them go with weary curiosity.

Torch. Perry walks in slowly. Chloe -- without turning from her computer monitor -- tells him it's a wise decision, coming inside: "Weather service expects a light shower of threshing machines, followed by a drizzle of combines." Perry is amused. He wanders over to the Wall of Weird (yes, I know, the one that never got taken down) as Chloe offers to help him find whatever it is he's looking for. He asks why. She says that Perry was once the kind of reporter she'd like to be. She's curious as to how one goes from multiple Pulitzer nominee to chasing Bigfoot. Perry says that the only thing worse than not ever getting a big story is getting it and being afraid to write it. Chloe's incredulous that Perry "The Pit Bull" White was ever afraid of anything. Chloe is wearing that fabulous new scent from London, "Naïveté." Perry says that Papa Luthor can be very persuasive. Chloe probes. Perry says that not everybody appreciates good investigative journalism. Especially when it "treads on the toes of the rich and vengeful." Perry notices a newspaper story from when Clark burned a symbol on the Kent barn. Chloe tells Perry the police chalked it up to frat boys trying to crop circles on the barn. "Why?" Chloe asks. Perry says that Clark intrigues him. Hmm, hard-drinking stranger from out of town intrigued by handsome farmboy. It's not like it doesn't happen every day. Chloe looks at the newspaper story, and then back at Perry. She seems confused, or scared, or both.

Kent Farm. Where the brand burns upon the ass. Bo is looking at some of Clark's solar-flare research, yet pooh-poohing the idea that they have anything to do with Clark's tractor pass. Clark says that his powers started to glitch when the solar disturbance started. Bo has no reason whatsoever to be skeptical, yet he is, so that Pete can come in and tell them that the "cosmic fender-bender" produced the largest recorded solar flare. And just in time for the real solar flares that have been in the news lately! Gotta love that timing. That reminds me of when that movie The Core was coming out how the PR people were so desperate to get the movie attention that they were emailing movie critics about how scientifically accurate the movie is by trying to pass it off as something that could really happen. Yeah, Core this. Pete shows off a newspaper with some news about the solar flares, and the power failures and surges that have been happening as a result. Clark says that's what's going on with him. Oh, but we love the surges, don't we? Clark is solar bipolar. Bo mutters that they've always wondered about the source of Clark's power. They just assumed it was raw gay energy. Clark wonders now if it's not the sun. Pete calls Clark a walking solar battery. All the hot boys hope Clark is at least a C-cell. Bo says that the flares should stop by tomorrow night; he thinks maybe Clark's glitching will stop by then. Doesn’t the time it takes for the flare energy to reach the Earth count for anything? Would it be that fast? Obviously, I did not major in any kind of science, natural or otherwise. Clark says that he'll try not to use his powers until then. Chloe comes in to give Clark a heads-up about their "resident Ghostbuster." "Perry White?" Clark asks. No, Harold Ramis. Chloe says that Perry had a change of heart about going to Metropolis: "And he seems to be especially interested in you, Clark." "That's it," Bo thinks. "No more offering free handjobs from the boy to grain feed salesmen and tractor repairmen."

The dramatic bursting through double doors that can only happen at Lex's castle. "What the hell are you trying to do?" Lex demands -- not quite yelling, but loud -- as he walks past the psychiatrist and into his office. She tells Lex to calm down. "You've already made up your mind about my so-called 'mental state!'" Lex cries. He's quite manly when he's angry. The psychiatrist is refusing to sign off on his psychological release. Is psychological release what happens when you remember your mom used to burn you with the iron for not taping her favorite soap? Lex is mad that Unamused expects him to submit to more sessions. She responds that she has an ethical responsibility to report honestly. I wonder why Papa Luthor couldn't have found a less honest psychiatrist, but then I remember that Lex chose this woman himself. Lex accuses the psychiatrist of trying to make a name for herself by roping in a celebrity patient: "You must be loving this." Well, I sure am. Unamused says she took no pleasure in the results. In Lex himself, she did, of course. But not in the results. She says she thinks Lex needs help. She cites the island, the failed marriage, and everything that's happened in town. She says he's suffered incredible emotional and physical trauma. And not just about the buttocks. Lex yells that they just spent five sessions exploring his psyche. Doctor Unamused calls bullshit: they spent five sessions with Lex blabbing about art and expensive cars, everything but the juicy stuff. She warns Lex that if he doesn't let his demons out, they'll consume him. And they'll consider him tasty. She says he and she haven't scratched the surface. Lex looks frightened. Unamused says that the "control-freak thing" might fool Papa Luthor, but did Lex really think he could snow her? The snow machine sits in the corner, sad and unused. Lex tells her to get out. He yells it again for emphasis. Boy, is Lex scared now.

Kent Farm. "Morning, Clark!" Perry says sharply, sitting on some hay and greeting our hero as he carries over a bucket of feed. Perry says he was inspired by Clark to use the gift he's been given. Perry says he's finally found his story. Clark has already guessed that the story is himself. He plays like he thinks it's a joke. Perry says he has facts to back it up: the accident, the power lines, the tractor falling from the sky. Clark says he explained what happened. "'It fell off a truck.' That's not an explanation, that's a punchline," Perry says. Perry spent the morning digging through police records and newspapers. He's found Clark's sorry history. Perry calls Clark a hero. Clark responds that there's nothing special about him. But...but...your cheekbones! Those eyes! That torso! Perry says Clark's wrong: Clark is really strong, really fast, and shock-resistant. Perry wonders what other tricks Clark can do. MamaKent calls for Clark to give her a hand with something. Clark excuses himself. Perry calls out that he's been stonewalled by the best. "You can run but you --" Perry is cut off by Clark getting a sudden burst of speed and uncontrollably running away and into some trees. "-- can't hide," Perry finishes, watching in astonishment. Commercials.

The Olive Garden. It's all right. We won't tell anybody you eat there.

It's nighttime. A bus pulls up toward a stop. Bo is outside waiting as Clark gets out of the vehicle. Its sign says that the bus just came from Metropolis. Clark tells Bo that his lightspeed gave out around Lake Tahoe. Bo says that's about a thousand miles away. Clark says that one minute he was racing across the country (run, Clark, run!), the he could barely jog. Clark says that his speed gave out again around Colorado Springs. Clark says he barely had enough money for a bus ticket. That is hilarious. Bo says that things are getting out of control. They both get in the truck, and Clark promises to stay glued to the couch until this thing passes. Bo says that won't be easy: Perry saw Clark disappear, and Bo doesn't think he's going to give up on the story.

Stately Luthor Manor. Perry walks in to talk to Lex. Lex says that when he heard Perry was at the gate (so he does have security?), he could hardly believe it. Perry wants to talk. Lex doesn't. Perry threatens to withhold information he has about Papa Luthor. Lex says that if it's personal, he doesn't care, and if it's legal, the statute of limitations must have passed. "That depends," Perry teases. Lex asks, if the information is so damning, why Papa Luthor stopped at just destroying Perry's career. Perry says he had multiple copies of documents with multiple attorneys who would release information upon his death. Perry says that Lex can have the info if he gets one thing in return: everything Lex knows about Clark. Hey, that's way more than just one thing. Try the entire contents of the Kama Sutra. Perry has investigated the car accident from the pilot, and there's no way Lex could have survived without "the miracle that is Clark Kent." Perry says he was surprised Lex had a friendship going with the boy. Lex says that going after Clark is a new low, even for Perry. Perry says that the Lex he knew wouldn't shake your hand without an ulterior motive. Perry tells Lex to deliver the goods on Clark, and that he'll give him a story that'll bring new meaning to "sins of the father." Lex thinks about it for a second, and then grabs Perry and throws him against a wall. He says that Perry may have "neutralized" Papa Luthor, but that he won't do the same to Lex. Perry doesn't lose his cool. He says that the jungle living must have taken a toll on Lex. Lex angrily warns Perry to stay away from him and his friends. Lex says there won't be any blood on his hands when they find what's left of Perry. Tough, sexy Lex! Lex comes out of his anger a bit and seems to realize how much of his cool he just lost. He backs off. Perry exits. Lex looks at his shaking hand.

Kent Kitchen. Pete and Clark are looking outside, where an X Styles van is parked. Pete makes a crack about Clark and paparazzi. Perry's got an entire camera crew. Pete tries to put a positive spin on things: there's only one crew, and the solar flare thing should be over soon. Clark is mad. He's a prisoner in his own house. He needs some Garbo sunglasses. Clark suddenly moans and puts his fingers to his temples. It's a message...from the Queer Eye guys! They're saying...ditch...the flannel. Clark suddenly yells for Pete to get down. Clark's eyes are all red. He blasts a ray of ejaculated fire toward the window. Clark looks up and realizes that he just set the curtains on fire. Clark grabs a thick blanket and starts to put out the fire. As he does, he burns his hand. Clark is kind of funny when he's in pain. Bo brings out a fire extinguisher and puts out the remaining flames like a real man. Clark's hand hurts. Ow, hand. His powers are gone again. Clark hopes he doesn't burn the farm down. Clark is frustrated. Clark is sad. Clark can't stay there.

Most obvious ruse in the world: the red truck rushes out of the barn and toward the road. MamaKent comes outside and yells, "Clark! Clark! Come back!" The truck comes out of the farm and nearly runs over the camera crew. Perry scrambles to get his crew into the van. They give chase. The truck is followed by the X Styles truck and its huge mounted satellite dish. The Kent truck suddenly skids. The camera crew truck tries not to crash into it. Perry and a cameraman get out and start shooting. Bo gets out of the truck. "Clark is not here," he says. Damn, Perry, were you drunk again? That ruse was so obvious! Bo asks Perry to leave his family alone. Perry is pissed.

Back at the farm: Clark and Pete, carrying sleeping bags, come out through the front door. Clark thanks Pete for "doing this." They're going camping! What wholesome boys! Pete says he's always up for a little "Undercover Brother." Ah. Yes. I see why they never let Pete talk. Pete says the plan is for them to camp out and check in with the parents in the morning. Great. I wanna see roasted weenies later.

Talon. The sign is, "Open Mike Night," shower, Talon, etc. Lana ran out of things to say years ago. It took the sign only two seasons to be milked to death. Inside, Lana -- not happy -- drops a small placard at the table where Perry White is trying to enjoy some coffee. Perry reads it out loud: "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone." Lana says that Perry might be more comfy at the Wild Coyote. He says he was until they threw him out. Whatever. She wants him to leave. Perry follows Lana, nearly knocking over a waitress in pink. It's the Talon uniform! Perry tells Lana that he sometimes lets his enthusiasm for a story outweigh his good sense. Lana asks if that's an apology. Perry sputters, but says that he's a jerk. He says he's got broken engagements and sleepless nights to prove it. Lana asks why he doesn't just quit if his job bothers him so much. Perry says he's a journalist; it's in his blood. He says that sometimes you have to push to get the truth. Because it's out there. But not on X Styles. Lana offers to call Perry a cab. Perry says it won't come; he's had issues with not paying fares. Perry offers a deal: he'll stay out of Lana's life permanently. She has to give him a ride to the bus stop. Lana goes to get her coat. For that sultry, hot weather from the heat wave of last week. Perry grins and takes a swig from his flask.

Pete's convertible, out in the woods. Pete is unloading some camping stuff from his trunk. Clark answers his cell phone. It's Lana. Clark listens, and then tells her not to do anything. He says he'll be right there. Pete asks what's going on. Clark has to get to Saunders Gorge, like, right this second. Check. Clark starts to run, and then stops in frustration. Ha! He looked funny. "Your speed thing still out?" Pete yells. What do you think? "I got nothing, Pete, it's all gone," Clark says. He needs the love of a sexy bald man to go on. Pete offers to drive. It's a race against time! And endurance! And our patience!

The Gorge. Clark and Pete pull up, oh, about four hours later. Lana -- who made a point of going to get her pink coat earlier -- shows Clark and Pete what's up: Perry is standing up on the rail. She says Perry pretended to be sick on the way to the bus stop. He ran out to "the viewpoint" and got up there demanding Lana call Clark. High crane shot of Perry standing on the edge. It looks very, very dangerous. Lana warns Clark that Perry's really drunk. "Not unless iced tea packs a punch," Perry yells. Perry explains that he had to trick Lana to make the call so that Clark would come. Ahhh. It all makes sense now! Perry figures that Clark is strong, shock-proof, and incredibly fast. If Perry falls, Clark will save him. Makes sense to me. Clark wants Perry to come down from the ledge. It's not going to happen. Clark says Perry's wrong about him. Perry bets Clark will save him. "No! I can't save you!" Clark says, being honest for once. Perry says they'll find out. He leans forward and falls. Clark grabs at him, and they both fall off the ledge. We see a rope pulled as they go. Pete and Lana get up there, too. The rope unspools until it finally goes taut. Perry and Clark are hanging from the rope. Perry's holding Clark by the arms. The flask falls out from his breast pocket and sails past Clark. Perry tells Clark to go ahead and unleash those powers. "I don't have any powers!" Clark yells back. Why does this suddenly feel like one of the Lethal Weapon movies? Perry hangs, the rope attached to his ankle. They keep hanging. Dramatic music. Commercials!

You guys didn't listen to me last week about Scary Movie 3 and now look what happened. They're going to make, like, five more of them. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Back at the cliffhanger, Clark yells for Pete. He says there should be a rope in the car. It's Pete's car, how would Clark know that? Plus, Perry already has a rope tied to his ankle. Why not use that? Lana helpfully suggests that Clark hold on. And of course, the rope holding on to Perry is beginning to break. Of course it is. Lana yells to Pete that it's not going to hold. She's really helping out here with the standing and the yelling. She runs back to meet Pete halfway. Pete ties his end of the rope to the bottom of the car. Lana tosses her end down without looking to see if it's going to end up anywhere near Clark. She yells for Clark to grab it. The other rope is nearly broken. Clark manages to grab the other rope. Perry's rope breaks and he falls. He grabs Clark as Lana screams. He ends up with his face in Clark's crotch. Oh, so all this was just a ruse to get to here. Perry falls deeper into Clark's crotch (it happens) and ends up down around Clark's knees, trying to hang on. Lana signals to Pete to back his car up. He does. Clark and Perry get pulled up as Lana continues yelling at no one at all. Clark's hands begin to slip on the rope. Ooh, nasty burn. Clark yells that he can't hold on much longer. Lana yells for Pete to go faster. Backwards. Into the trees. Clark and Perry are pulled up. They reach the edge. They made it. Thanks, Lana, your yelling proved invaluable. Everybody's relieved. Clark and Perry collapse. Clark has blood on his hands. That must hurt like a bitch, especially if you've rarely experienced pain before. Perry is aghast. He's sweaty and looks guilty. Everybody looks at Perry. He looks like he may cry. I'm going to cry soon, too, because I don't think he's going to be on the show regularly.

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex is speaking in hushed tones about confidentiality. He says he'll be revealing things that are deeply personal. Ooh, is he talking to Deepak? Or maybe Rosie? Lex says he may even say some hurtful things. Doctor Unamused says that's all right; it's the point of therapy. Also, to regain control and let bad feelings go. Damn, this therapy stuff sounds good. Here I was using recaps for that. Lex agrees to meet the day at 10 AM. Thus begins the Lex Therapy Chronicles.

Back at the farm, Clark is moving hay around in the Barnness of Back-to-Normalitude. MamaKent comes in to tell him breakfast is ready. She asks if things are all right now. Clark throws a bale of hay, and then speeds up to the loft to catch it. Fucking show-off. Clark says that everything went back to normal. MamaKent says that's including his sense of humor. Or lack of it, as it is in this case. Lana shows up. Ugh. This episode was not about Lana, yet here we go. MamaKent greets her with Mamalove. MamaKent says she'll keep a plate warm for Clark. Frankly, I'd choose the breakfast. Clark says he was going to stop by the Talon later to thank Lana. For the yelling. Lana doesn't understand why Perry thought Clark had powers. Because she's denser than mercury. Clark thanks Lana for forgiving him for bringing up memories of her meteor parents. What? Give me a fucking break. Clark is the biggest wuss since Sir Edmund Wuss of the British Army surrendered to a vicious pack of teddy bears in 1929. Lana says she came by to talk about visiting the graveyard that morning. Oh, dear lord, are we back in Season One? Clark says he bets Lana's parents were happy to see her. Yes, except that they're DEAD. Lana realized she hadn't been there for months. She felt guilty at first, but then she realized (she's realizing a lot this week) that guilt is the last thing they'd want. Instead, they'll settle for having a daughter with no social skills who is in a perpetual state of being nine years old. Lana says she told her parents that there's someone else in her life now. It's a dead guy at another cemetery. Clark tries to shut her up, but Lana interrupts. She says she told her parents that she and Clark are in kind of a strange place right now. A place called, "YOU BROKE UP!" Lana doesn't know where she is, like when somebody dies and they can't figure out they're in hell. Lana hopes they can still work things out. Clark just wants her to leave. Lana's parents will always be in her thoughts. And in her words, which will always annoy us. Lana leaves. The camera pulls back like I wish I could every time Lana shows up.

Bus stop. Even after all that, Clark has still given Perry a ride. Clark's wearing a white t-shirt for no good reason, but I'm not complaining. Clark says the ride was the only way to be sure Perry would get on the busy. Perry looks at him strangely and calls Clark a freak. He says Clark tries to help even fools like himself. He never asks for anything in return. Perry says after what happened at the Gorge, he realized he was going to tear a good person down. He couldn't believe someone like Clark existed. Then he looked at Lana and saw that evil is alive and well in the world. Clark says he's not that good. Perry's just glad nobody got hurt. He's not as fun when he's sober. Perry checks his watch and says he's seventeen hours and five minutes sober. A bus pulls up as a not-very-good cover of "Walking in Memphis" (an allusion to Perry's Elvis fixation on Lois & Clark) plays. Clark asks what's . Perry, the new man in my life, says he's going to try to find the courage to finish the one story he let go. Clark says that something (maybe it's notes for Season Four) tells him that the world hasn't seen the last of Perry White. Perry says he still has a friend or two at The Daily Planet. Perry says he went over a few more of Clark's Torch stories. He says they're rough and half the time Clark buries the lead. But he says he sees a glimmer of hope. He tells Clark to look him up if he ever makes it to Metropolis. "I owe you one," Perry says. The bus door closes, and Perry is gone. Clark stands right in the middle of the road, the very thing he did to cause all that trouble to begin with. The dust settles. Perry is gone. I get sad and require large quantities of chocolate and videogames.

week: The obligatory time-warp episode, this one set in 1961. Think they couldn't make Lana's makeup look any more unnatural? Guess again.