The Smallville Sleeps Tonite

S03E04

By Omar G

Dear The WB:
Hi. I'm in a band called R.E.M. You may not remember us (we haven't had any songs on the radio in a while), but we used to be a big deal. We're from Georgia. MTV used to love us.
Well, I was digging through some old boxes, looking for some ideas for lyrics for our new album due out year and as research for a new Greatest Hits album we've got coming out. (It "drops," as the kids say these days, on October 28.) It's funny the kind of stuff you find when you go looking in old boxes. I found Faith No More. They were just cowering up in my attic, eating rats and mousetrap cheese.
Anyway, long story cryptic, I found an old letter from The WB asking to use some of our music in some episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dawson's Creek and a copy of my rather snippy response, where I said, "We would sooner sacrifice our drummer on a pillar of steaming monkey shit than allow you to cornhole our music to please viewers of your adolescent crap." Something like that. I'm probably exaggerating. Anyway, I finally caught Buffy on DVD and our drummer left the band, so I just wanted to say I'm sorry about that. In the intervening years, I also went a little Hollywood, found out that I'm gay (I always kind of suspected), and let my band fade into late-career irrelevance. So, you might say, I'm down for whatever at this point.
I also hear that you have this new Superman show where one of the heroes is an ambiguously gay bald guy. I gotta say, I think that's genius. So, go ahead and use our songs, The WB. Hell, use our hit songs that your core teen audience isn't even familiar with because they were seven when we were really popular. Please send the check to me in Athens, and I'll be watching for a scene where you use "Nightswimming" for the long-awaited Clark/Lex consummation.
Yours in diminishing returns,
Michael Stipe

We open on a sign of Crater Lake and a song from...hey, it's R.E.M.! Hope they're not just doing this for the money. It's that song where I always think they're singing "Combo Jamaican!" that makes me want to order a jerk chicken salad. Clark emerges from some minor woods wearing a white t-shirt. He's totally digging the R.E.M. We see a very pretty lake, a small shrub of a tree and a wooden bench, and, of course, those Kansas mountains in the background. Clark walks to the end of a very short pier. He takes off his shirt, but not his watch. Clark starts to take off his shoes and hears a sound from my nightmares: "Hi, Clark." It's her. She Who Must Not Be Named. Except Clark says it for me: "Lana," he says, semi-startled. He says he didn't know anybody else was out there. Lana grins -- a full-on Kreukferatu -- and says they must have had the same idea for cooling off. Standing shirtless on a pier? That's using your noodle. Clark says it's a "scorcher." No, it's a "Noodle." For "Brain." "Scorcher" is what you call it when somebody brands you with a hot poker. Lana stares at Clark's right nipple in a wholly unsavory way. She's completely transfixed, as if his nipple is showing Finding Nemo in high definition. Clark says he'll come back. Lana sputters, "Oh. No. Why? It's a big lake." She steps forward a little bit and says that there's enough room for both of them. You mean for Lana and Clark's nipple? Lana wants to be Clark's breast friend. Lana says she's game if Clark is, but it doesn't take an Omar to figure out that it sounds like she's asking if Clark is gay like she is.

Lana steps past Clark and advises him not to peek. He stands still as Lana undresses behind him. Lana takes off her shirt, exposing a paddy pink bra. Clark gets happy. Michael Stipe could give a shit. Lana drops her bra on the pier. She removes her shorts and, presumably, her panties. Clark just grins. Lana runs and dives off the pier, and we see her sorta naked from a distance, although I'm sure that was a body stocking and that she's frigid from the Canadian water. Lana emerges from the water, probably trying not to die from hypothermia, and tells Clark it's his turn. Lana -- whose hair is pulled back perfectly in the water -- says she won't peek. She turns in the water. Clark undoes his pants, and we get a glimpse of blue boxers. He lets his jeans fall on the pier and dives in. No ass shot. Sorry, fans. Lana looks around for Clark, but he doesn't come out of the water for a long time, of course leading us to believe that maybe something happened, since there've been references to meteor rocks in the lake on the show before. The music fades and violins creepily enter the mix as Lana calls out for Clark. She's worried. The Ominous Music of Oh-Shit starts to play. Clark's head pops out of the water and he goes, "Boo!" Lana is mad, but only for a second. She splashes water at Clark and he splashes back. Water fight! Wait, isn't it fall, and school's already started and people were just wearing jackets in the last episode? When did it revert to summer? Lana and Clark tread water close together. Lana says, "I always said there should be nothing between us." "Now there's none," Clark says. It's not exactly Shakespeare, is it? Just as they're about to kiss, they hear a scream. A girl is running by the sandy shore and goes into the woods.

Cut to the blonde girl running in the woods. She's wearing a dark hoodie and still screaming. She's stopped by Clark, who appeared in the woods quickly without Lana noticing how fast he got out of the water and dressed, but we'll forgive it. Clark asks her what's wrong. The wide-eyed girl looks completely horrified. She steps back from Clark. "He's here. Run!" she says. A dirty hand pokes out of the ground and pulls her in, quicksand-like. She screams. Clark tries to pull her out, but he can't hold on. She sinks into the ground and disappears. Clark is horrified. He stares at his hand, because that will surely bring Lana back. Opening credits. Not by R.E.M.

Is R.E.M. considered to be from the "Dirty South"? I'm just curious.

Kent Farm, where the cows come first. Nightly. Man, MamaKent! You sure make a nice spread. And I really am talking about food. On the breakfast table are tons of sausages, bacon, what I think are eggs and waffles. Can I come over? Clark is telling his parents -- who look positively bored by his exploits (Bo Duke is reading the paper and drinking his coffee) -- that he used his x-ray vision, but the girl seemed to have disappeared. Do you think they're tired of his powers? They seem like they're just going through the motions today: "What? X-ray? Ah, yeah, I see. That's really interesting Clark...uh huh...oh, my goodness, look at what Ziggy is doing today!" Bo asks if anybody was there with Clark. "No!" Clark obviously lies. MamaKent incredulously asks if he was skinny-dipping alone. Yes, but it's not like that. And he really was combing his hair in the bathroom for an hour. Clark aw-shucks that that it was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, like killing bums or watching Inside the Actor's Studio. Nobody plans these things. Bo says he'll call the sheriff. Clark suggests that he skip school and go look for her. Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You and your skinny-dipping, bathroom-hogging hormones! MamaKent says it's not Clark's responsibility to save everyone. Hey, that's not what I heard in the opening credits. Bo takes Clark by the shoulders and tells him he's got a surprise. Bo and MamaKent lead Clark outside. Clark says, "Wow, I didn't know you got a new truck." Bo says it's not his. And it's one of those big-ass country trucks, with the pipe things in the back, the big lights up top, and wheels that could roll over municipal buildings. Bo says, "It's yours." Clark goes, "Wuh?" MamaKent grins at him. "Wait till I tell Pete!" Clark says. Maybe you can tell him in a few episodes, in a conversation that's split up over three story arcs, two lines per show. Bo says they needed a new truck around anyway. Oh, so it's "our" truck now? Clark asks how they can afford it. He admires the outside, but unlike a real country boy, he doesn't lift the hood to see what's up with the engine. Bo says that the extra money they got from Lex came in handy. They got extra money from Lex? I thought all he did was buy the farm, not subsidize it. Clark says he's surprised that they used the money. Bo says he finally realized he wasn't giving Lex a fair shake. That's a common mistake, because sometimes it takes Lex a while. You just gotta keep shaking, mister. MamaKent says that Clark's had a rough couple of months, and that they're glad to have him home. Have a truck. Clark is thrilled. He takes the keys and promises to take good care of "her." I know how you ladies love it when we refer to a piece of steel and rubber as female. Bo tells Clark not to be late for school, and promises to get hold of Clark if there's any word from the sheriff. Clark gets in, turns on the truck, and drives out of the farm lot really, really fast. Bo and MamaKent wave.

Smallville High! Where great minds burgeon and then are bludgeoned by weekly villains. Outside, the foliage is growing to adulthood, unlike many of the students here. The opening strains of "Everybody Hurts" play. I begin to hold out hope for a good scene. Maybe they'll ape the video style and we'll see subtitles showing what everyone is thinking as the song plays. Maybe Pete will finally tell us what's on his mind. Maybe...WHAT? Lana? Oh, I get it. It's "Everybody Hurts Especially Lana." (2003 Remix.) Lana, in a skimpy pink top, comes up to Clark in the hallway. Now I hurt. Clark starts to apologize for yesterday, but Lana uncharacteristically says it's fine. With a wicked grin, she says she got a good view of Clark when he left. Wait, something's not right here. This Lana -- the one we're seeing right now -- looks like she has a personality and isn't crippled by guilt, shame, and boringness. Lana asks who was screaming. That was me, when I was yelling, "You broke up! You're not supposed to be here! Go away!" Turns out there was also a girl screaming. I should probably write about her, too. Clark says she just disappeared. He apologizes again for leaving Lana. Lana's got on nice makeup, and her hair looks good. Even the pink doesn't bother me so much. Who is this alien? Lana blows it off and says it's not like they had a date or anything. Who is this laidback imposter in pink? Lana says she had fun. Clark bashfully says he did, too. Lana says that their relationship has always been about pain and angst; a little levity is refreshing. That's what I've been sayin'! Dude! Lana walks past Clark a little then turns to tell him that maybe one day he'll stop torturing himself and realize that there's no reason they shouldn't be together. Honest, direct, attractive, prone to skinny-dipping. I expect a Body Snatcher to emerge from this creature. Clark looks like he's been hit by a cold fish. (Or the old version of Lana.) Lana tells him it's all right. She says she's willing to wait as long as he wants. She touches his shoulder and walks off. I just can't get over this. Is this the RealDoll version of Lana? The song, which still doesn't quite fit, sort of skips on itself to pad out the scene. It sounds like your CD player when it's broken.

Clark takes a moment to bask, and then turns and sees the chick from the woods. She does not look like she just came out of the ground. She looks twitchy and lost. Clark follows her and asks who she is. They stand by the trophy case, and Clark asks her name. She answers, "Sarah," as if she's not really sure that's right. "Sarah Conroy," she says, and nods, like, "This is the name they stuck me with. Not as cool as Van McNulty, but I guess I can live with it. Clark asks what's going on. The twitchy girl looks around and says, "He's after me." Al? Miles? Yeah, they like the young actresses. Clark asks who's after her. "He's always after me," she says. Suddenly, in the reflection of the display case, we see a red hooded figure. It's Death! And everybody ate the salmon mousse! Clark turns, but nobody's there. Well, nobody but Pete, but he hardly counts anymore, does he? Pete asks where Clark's been. Clark asks Pete if he saw that guy. Pete doesn't know what the hell Clark is talking about, and given that he's only got, like, three lines, he doesn't want to waste them talking about some imaginary asshole wearing Kenny's coat from South Park. Clark says that the guy had a big red cape on, and berates Pete for not seeing him. Clark turns to ask the girl about it, but she's gone. Pete doesn't see her either. "The insanity defense," Pete says, apropos of nothing. "I get it." Clark defensively says that he's not insane. Pete says it's insane to miss your history exam when it's worth 50% of your grade. Oops. "That's today?" Clark asks. Pete says, "It was today. You flunked." Pete shakes his head as he says it, using the same accusatory tone you'd reserve for someone who fucked your dog. Like, "How could you? I just brought him home from the pound. Hasn't he been through enough? You dogfucker." Just like that. Clark is not happy, but at least he didn't have his way with Pete's dog. (That I know of.)

The Torch. Chloe is putting some stuff away. Clark rushes in and tells her that he needs some help because something came up at the lake yesterday. Chloe is right there with the innuendo comeback: "Yeah, I heard," she says. Apparently, this Lana also gossips about her skinny-dipping exploits. Can we keep her? Chloe asks if Clark is referring to a Blue Lagoon moment Clark had with a certain ex-girlfriend. Clark is surprised that Chloe knows about it. Chloe says it's high school, and everybody knows. "Losing My Religion" is playing in the background. More on that later. Clark asks if it was the screaming, twitchy girl who told Chloe. Chloe says it's not likely, because Chloe doesn't know her. It was Lana, Clark. How dumb are you? Clark says he met Sarah in the woods and in the hall, and that she's definite Wall of Weird material. Chloe says that's too bad, because the Wall is now retired. Clark steps forward and glances at the red wall, now barren of freaks, geeks, and Mystiques. Bit of advice for would-be house painters: red is an absolute bitch. You're gonna have to do, like, four coats to get it even, and even then it'll still look splotchy. This wall is done up in squares, so you don't notice it. But trust me: think twice before you paint a hallway bright red. This Home Depot Moment has been brought to you by Glidden Semi Gloss, who reminds you that it's not our fault Omar is a dumb-ass who screwed up the primer coat. Back to your recap. Clark asks who did this. (The taking down of the Wall of Weird, not the off-pink primer coat.) Chloe says she did it. She's leaving childish pursuits behind and, like Clark, she grew up over the summer. Except she didn't grow up to be a Lamborghini-drivin' asshole. She says The Daily Planet was also beginning to frown on her little obsession. By which she means Papa Luthor, which is strange because while he doesn't like her investigating Lex, I would imagine he'd love to see all the rest of her mutant files. Clark says that the stories up there were true. "Were they?" Chloe says, out of character. She notes that people have died because of that wall. And because of Clark. Clark says that people have been saved. Like in that one song. The one not by R.E.M. Chloe says she's done chasing windmills. From now on it's hard news, backed up by facts. She's really not going to fit into the world of journalism when she gets out of school. The mandolin in the song finishes its thing as Chloe has officially Lost. Her. Religion. Did you get it? Did you get how the song ties in like that? It's so clever! Why, it's almost indecently wily!

Speaking of sins against the church (I'm thinking specifically of lustful thoughts), Lex is sitting on his leather couch with a big glass in his hand. He's hitting the sauce. Speaking of sauces and Lex, Clark walks in. Clark says he got an urgent message from Lex. He asks if something's wrong. Lex slyly says that he's not really sure. Lex says he's having a strange day. In the background, the fireplace is roaring, beckoning young luvahs to make sweet love beside it. Lex says he was hoping that Clark could help him with a problem. You see, he's got an orifice that needs clearing and...oh, and also he asks Clark to hand him a sword that's mounted against the wall. Clark wonders if they're going to play Legolas and Aragorn, and if he'll have to bring his own dwarf. Clark asks if the sword is new. Lex says that actually it's a ceremonial weapon used by sixteenth-century Samurai warriors. And most recently by Tom Cruise. Lex asks if Clark has ever heard of a Katai. It means "hard" in Japanese. I think Clark's heard of that. Clark says he don't know nothin' 'bout no Japanese history. Lex asks Clark to allow him to give him his first lesson. Lex says legend has it that the sword was forged in the fires of Mt. Fuji. Is that near Mt. Doom? Lex unsheathes his sword (ahem) and says it can cut through anything. Oh, that's just porn-star talk. Lex says that the Katai never took the sword to battle; they never had to. That is, until the strongest among them betrayed everybody and started killing them one by one. Lex circles Clark, holding his sword with both hands. It seems vaguely familiar. Lex spins the sword and says that the last warrior standing lunged at the rogue with the sword and cut the guy clean in two. I'm sure it wasn't very clean afterward. Lex says that when the armor fell away, the last warrior saw that his foe wasn't human. Lex cracks his neck a bit and then spins on Clark and swings the sword full-on. The camera swoops, the bullet-time slows things down, and Clark blocks the blade with his forearm. The blade shatters. Lex's mouth hangs open attractively. Clark's isn't exactly closed either. "Just like you, Clark," Lex says calmly. Lex says he's been honest with Clark, but it turns out Clark's been lying from the first day Lex laid eyes on him. I think it was your Porsche you laid on him, off of a bridge. Lex walks away angrily. "No!" Clark says. He says he can explain. "Too late!" Lex calls back. Lex says the irony is that all Clark had to do was come to him. You should have come to him, Clark. I've been saying that from the beginning. Lex says he was Clark's friend: "I would have protected your secret. I would have protected you." Where're the lilting strains of R.E.M. now? Lex says he can't be trusted because he's a Luthor. Clark, hurt, says, "No! That's not it!" Lex yells that he doesn't care. He says he's going to dedicate his life to telling the world who Clark really is. Clark's mouth hangs, agog, and it looks like he's a little turned on. Improbably, it's the Gayest Look of the Episode. Lex points what's left of his sword at Clark and says that life as Clark knows it is over. Lex leaves through the double doors. Soap opera-style, Clark yells, "Lex!" And then louder: "LEX!" Clark's heart just shattered like a blunt object struck against him.

Clark's new monster truck at night. He pulls in to the Kent Farm. Clark yells for MamaKent and Bo Duke, saying that they have a big problem. Hmmm, things seem a little s

trange. There's fog, and the twitchy girl is standing by the picket fence. She's admiring the lilacs out front and says she loves them, and that her mother used to grow them for her. Clark asks where her family's at. "Listen," she says simply, with a tear in her eye. She asks Clark not to let "Him" take her again. "Who?" "The Traveler," she says. The Traveler? Travelin' Matt from Fraggle Rock? A candy-colored clown they call The Sandman? The guy who says "Can you hear me now?" on the phone commercials? Steve Martin in Planes, Trains & Automobiles? Clark asks how she knew his name. Suddenly, something sounds like it's bubbling. Twitchy totally has indigestion. Also, a stalker. She screams as a red hooded dude appears behind Clark. It's Spawn with no budget or chains. They do the camera trick where the foreground pulls forward as the background recedes. Clark goes over to this Traveler beeyatch and tries to grab it by the cloak. Its hands are rotten, in need of Palmolive. The Traveler sends Clark's happy ass traveling through the air and onto the back of another truck. Twitchy Girl whimpers. Traveler -- in a voice slightly lower than the movie trailer guy's --says that wherever she goes, he'll find her. He's like Daniel Day-Lewis in Last of the Mohicans. The girl screams. A lot. Clark just lies there. The Traveler wraps his long, icky arms around the girl as Clark runs over at normal speed. Clark grabs at the thing, but all he's left with is a red cloak. Magic, ladies and gentlemen! You've been a great audience, thanks for checking out the fill-in show at The Mirage. Let's pray for a speedy recovery for Roy and please tip your waitresses. "NOOOO!" Clark yells, and punches the ground. He sinks into it and falls right through. No wonder the farm keeps going bust. The crops must just sink down to China.

But no. Clark wakes up. In his own bed. Alone. Somewhere, Bobby Ewing yells, "Ha ha!" MamaKent and Bo Duke come over, saying they've been worried. Clark fell asleep studying for that pesky History exam. Betcha anything that exam won't actually be taken in this episode. Bo says that was a day and a half ago: "You must have been dreaming," MamaKent says. Ya think? Clark says it was so real. She was there and he was there and the cowardly Pete was there and there was this wicked witch...no, wait, that was just Lana. Clark says the name of the girl he met, and Bo says that's the name of their new neighbor. Spooky! Except not. Bo says their new neighbor has a teenaged daughter, and there's been a moving truck at Lana's old place where they moved in. Clark asks how he can dream about someone he's never met. Trust me: my dreams about Catherine Zeta-Jones are proof you can. Dramatic music plays at a not-very-dramatic moment. Commercials.

Scary Movie 3. It's not worth it, trust me.

Kent Farm from sky-high. We crane down to the porch, where Clark is sitting with a coffee cup, trying to figure out what's going on in that weird brain of his. Bo and MamaKent emerge from the front door and ask if he's been up all night. Clark says he's afraid to go to sleep. Because he's Heather Langenkamp. Clark says the dream was so real that he wants to go check up on Dreamy Girlinperil. Bo, as always, advises Clark to be careful, since he was out for thirty-six hours. You know, as the platitude says, sleeping for thirty-six hours is like sleeping eighteen hours twice. Remember that, Clark. Clark asks if the girl might be keeping him asleep. Bo says that weird shit goes on around here and, again, advises Clark to be careful. Bo asks Clark to ignore one of the golden rules and stay away from the neighbors. If they ask for a cup of sugar? Burn them with your eyes.

Hay to bale. Clark is moving hay around, which seems like the only chore he's ever qualified to do around the farm. Lana shows up, wearing that same tiny pink top that's out of season, as was the entire opening at the lake. Lana says she's missed Clark at school the last few days. Clark says he hasn't been feeling well. Lana says he looks a little tired. Can Clark suffer from sleep deprivation? Lana suggests sleep, because she's brilliant, and Clark says, "No!" with alarm. Whatever. Lana gives Clark his homework. In dreams, Lana goes naked in the lake. In reality, she brings over homework and suggests the obvious. Real-life Lana sucks. That History exam can be made up with a note from Clark's parents, Lana says. Clark says she's the best. No, Dream Lana is the best. This Lana's defective. Clark starts to tell Lana about his dream. She asks what it was about. "This girl..." Clark says and Lana goes, "Oh!" I guess we're stuck with this Lana. Clark says she needed help. Lana snidely says she guesses Clark had to save the girl. Clark explains about the girl moving into Lana's old place, and how she'd never met her but was dreaming about her. Lana suggests that Clark tell her about his dream, and they walk through it together. One more step in the de-male-ification of Clark: "You don't think I'm nuts?" he asks. He's not even McNulty. Lana says no. Lana asks where he saw her. Clark says it was at Crater Lake, and that Lana was there. What were they doing? "Nothing!" Clark says. He's slick, that Clark. Lana suggests that they go see Dreamy Girlinperil themselves. With no regard to his parents' wishes, Clark smiles and doop-de-doops on over.

Dreamy is dreaming. Clark and Lana watch her as the girl's guardian -- the creepy psycho dad from the second season of24, hovers. Clark asks if she'll ever come out of what must be a coma. "Well, there's always hope," says Multi-Show Creep. Lana says it must be hard for him to see her like this. He says it's not his daughter; she's his niece. Simple mistake. Anybody could make it, even in, say, a recaplet. Multi-Show Creep asks if this is Lana's old house and if Clark is the guy from door. Funny he let them into the girl's bedroom without finding those things out first. Clark asks what happened to Dreamy. Lana tries to shush him, but Multi-Show says it's fine. He says it was a car accident. Dreamy and her parents went off a low bridge on their way back from a soccer game. He says that the paramedics said she was asleep, and that's why she survived. Huh? Lana asks if she's from Smallville. "Grandville," the uncle says. Right across the bridge in Vancover. Oops! That's Granville. Clark notices lilacs to the bed and says those are Dreamy's favorite. "Yes," Multi says, "how did you know that?" Because they're by her bed? Lana says they're her favorite, too. She says it must be kismet. Or something. Multi-Show bends over, and Clark notices he's wearing a gold medallion. And it's not even disco time yet. Clark comments on it. Multi-Show says it's good 'ole St. Christopher, patron saint of travelers. Travelers! I get it! Cue some obvious R.E.M. music! Multi-Show Creep tells Clark he says a prayer every night that Dreamy will end her travels and return to them. Multi-Show pretends to check his watch and says it's time for her medication and they'll have to excuse him. He thanks them for stopping by. Lana and Clark leave without a word, the rude scamps. Multi-Show opens a locked cabinet as ominous music plays.

Street-level exterior shot of LuthorCorp headquarters. We pass through some street steam, and then look way up at the top of the building. Inside, Lex is wearing normal Lex garb, as opposed to the traditional business attire he was wearing last week. He walks through some futuristic whooshing automatic doors to find a Magnificent Parental Bastard lying on a massage table receiving an Asian massage from...is it the woman who was in the limo a few episodes back? I think they just hire one Asian lady to do all the Asian lady bit parts. Here, she's a masseuse giving Papa Luthor her hands, her elbow -- everything but her pelvic bone in hopes of providing Shiatsu release. Papa Luthor's hair is practically covering the entire massage table. Lex says he's fully committed to the company, and it sounds like somebody's been giving him shit about that. Papa Luthor grunts, without getting up, that he's delighted to hear it. Awkward silence. Papa raises his head a little and asks what's wrong. Lex says he's been blocked out of half the computer files he needs to do his evil, evil job. Apparently, Lex's security clearance is on par with the janitor's. Papa Luthor thanks "May Lee" and gets up. Saaaaaaaaay. Nice torso! He's not all flabby and wrinkly and saggy. The man's got a Magnificent Torso. Papa Luthor puts a robe on with his masseuse's help, and says that security is a necessary evil. Lex asks if stuff has to be secure from him. Papa Luthor applauds Lex's renewal to the company. He applauds by puffing out his still-bare chest a few times. Papa alludes to Lex's recent misadventures. Lex thinks Papa assumes he'll be betrayed again. Papa Luthor picks up a peach from a serving tray and says that's an interesting notion. He bites into the peach. The peach says, "Yay! I love it!" Man, it must be cold in there. Lookit those nipples. Lex says he wants things to work. He wants to be a family. He wants to be the breast...er, "best" son he can be. Tits very...er, I mean, "it's" very important to him. Lex says that Papa Luthor has nothing to fear from him. More peach chewing. Papa asks why Lex has refused to complete a psychological profile. Lex says that neither of them believes in psychomumbojumboclaptrap. Papa Luthor says he believes that emotional problems can affect the workplace. Dreams can reveal hidden warnings (it ties together with the episode you see!).... Lex stops him mid-thought. Papa Luthor says it's only five sessions. He thought Lex wanted to reestablish their bond. "I do," Lex says. Papa Luthor suggests that Lex do it and restore total confidence. Another peach bite. Lex watches his dad. I think he wants a peach, too.

High-school hallway. Clark's at his locker. Chloe observes that Clark is still dreaming about the girl door and how nice it is that some things never change. Clark, tired, says he's just trying to stay awake. Chloe says that even Red Bull has its limits. She's pinch-hitting for Pete on the product placement this week. Would it surprise you if I told you I've had two friends who've driven the Red Bull truck for a living? Clark asks if maybe Dreamy is communicating with him through his sleep. Clark's a Dream Warrior! He don't wanna dream no more. He's a DREEEEAAAM WARRIOOOORR! Rock! Clark asks Chloe to explain the lilacs. Chloe says that telepathic receptivity has been said to increase during R.E.M. sleep. Oh, and this one time, at an R.E.M. concert, I totally knew that my date wanted another beer before she even said anything. It was totally psychic. Chloe says it has something to do with frontal lobe (Loeb?) activity. Chloe says she's never heard of such a dramatic case, but that Clark's brain is wired a little differently. Chloe also notes that the river where Dreamy crashed with her parents is a known source of Kryptonite. Chloe says that the girl can keep Clark asleep, which explains Clark's "snore-a-thon." Clark says he didn't wake up until The Traveler showed up. They both surmise that it's a manifestation of fear of her uncle. Oh, they figured that out, did they? Narrative shortcut much? Clark explains that Dreamy's uncle is all-powerful in her life. Chloe asks if Clark isn't buying the "altruism angle." Clark says that his faith in humanity ain't what it used to be. This is the "connecting the dots" scene. Only the dots are all screwy and they connect to form a floppy parabola. Clark asks if Chloe wants to go check out some public records with her on Dreamy's uncle. Chloe says she has a Daily Planet deadline, and Wall of Weird stuff no longer takes precedence. Why am I in love with other versions of Chloe and Lana? (In this case, Chloe 1.0.) Clark gives Chloe shit about childish pursuits. He says he'll grab Lana. Chloe blubbers for a second, and then says she can provide a constant source of caffeine. But no nudity. Clark is tired. He leaves.

The Fortress of Reportitude at night. Lana's bitching that public records are public records because they're so boring. Smart girl. Clark has found a document showing that Dreamy's parents were rich, and that when they died, she inherited everything. The uncle controls the money as long as the girl stays in a coma. Wait, wait, wait. She's a minor. She wouldn't be allowed to "control" the money even if she were awake. Lana says that he hasn't done anything wrong and seems to be taking care of his niece. Clark says that he can't figure out why she's so scared of him. Lana tells Clark that he's tired. He says he's afraid to close his eyes. Lana offers to put on another cup of coffee. That's what Clark needs -- to be a wired superhero with huge, unpredictable powers. Clark says that Lana doesn't have to stay. No, really, Lana, feel free to go. She says she wants to stay. Damn her! Clark rubs his eyes, looking dopey and sleepy. He's nearly Grumpy and Doc. Clark closes his eyes. He opens them and hears something. "That was fast," he says. It's actually Dreamy Girlinperil. She smiles and looks around Clark's loft. Clark asks how she gets into his dreams. Dreamy doesn't know; she's never done it before. Clark could fix his problem if he asked her to get out of his dreams and into his truck. She seems a lot more relaxed now. She says she realized what was going on when Clark and Lana came to visit her. Clark is surprised she could see them. She says it's like being in a tunnel. Sometimes it's open and...sometimes it's closed. Got it. Tunnel. Open or closed. She says she's trapped in her own body. Clark asks about The Traveler. Who irons his cloak? Dreamy backs away and says they shouldn't talk about him. Clark asks if it's her uncle. Dreamy doesn't answer. Clark asks why she's so afraid, and what he does to her. She doesn't know. She says she used to hear the doctors, and they said she should have woken up. She says that every time she starts to feel better, her uncle does something and she gets worse. Dreamy says she almost woke up once; that's when her uncle moved them to Smallville. The wind picks up. We hear howling. It's the cheap-ass monster! Dreamy is pulled away. She screams as she falls from the loft and into the arms of a red-hooded CGI effect. It wraps its arms around her. The cloak spins and disappears into the floor. We go to commercials.

The Hulk on DVD. Anybody left who wants to see this?

Stately Luthor Manor. Lex and Clark walk down Lex's stained-glass hallways. Clark has just told Lex about his crazy dreams. Lex admires that Clark is saving people in his dreams now, too. Clark asks if Lex doesn't believe him. "I believe you believe it," Lex says, and that's enough for him. Total faith in his luvah. Out of nowhere, Lex says he doesn't have faith in psychotherapy. "You don't like letting people in your head," Clark says. It's the conversation we've been waiting for: Clark and Lex talking about head. Clark says he's got a silly girl in his head until he can figure out a way to get her out. It's not even a girl he'd like in there, like Judy Garland or Barbra. Lex said he made some calls to Metropolis General, and someone there broke the law by giving him patient info. He says she was supposed to wake up by now. Clark suggests that the uncle is drugging her. Lex says they've only done basic blood tests. Clark says that maybe the drug is untraceable. Lex says there's no evidence that the guy has done anything wrong. Clark says they both know that appearances can be deceiving. Lex advises that the police won't act on a dream. Clark thanks Lex and starts to leave the room. Before he goes, he notices the same sword from his dream mounted on the wall. Clark says he's always liked that sword, and asks about its origins. Lex says it's a prop from his favorite Kurosawa movie. The Seven Samurai? Nope. Throne of Blood. Lex says he bought it at an auction. He feints a swing at Clark, and we both jump. Lex tells Clark to relax. Don't do it. When you want to go to it. Lex says that the sword isn't real. Clark is relieved. Lex suggests that Clark learn to tell the difference between dreams and reality, adding, "Get some sleep." No personal invite, though.

A knock at Multi-Show Creep's house. Dude has a screen door. That's never a good sign. What's he trying to hide? He greets Clark by saying it's a pleasant surprise. No, the pleasant surprise will be your being knocked unconscious in the last act! How'd you like that poetic justice? Bwah ha ha ha ha! But I get ahead of myself. Clark has brought over some fresh lilacs. Uh...huh. This guy's gonna think Clark is the weirdo. Multi invites Clark inside. The screen door creaks in an evil way. Multi-Show says that this is really nice of Clark. Clark asks if he can sit a while with Dreamy Girlinperil. Look, even if I wasn't an evil uncle, I still wouldn't let some creepy dude from door be alone with my Coma Niece when he's just met her. Didn't anybody see Kill Bill? Some people get their jollies that way. Clark does his x-ray vision on the cabinet holding all the meds. Multi-Show offers Clark a drink. Clark asks for anything with caffeine. He's super, but he can't reproduce the effects of coffee in his system? Multi-Show goes to look for some soda while the "We're just filler until something happens" background music plays. Clark clumsily breaks the lock on the cabinet and inspects the first small bottle of medicine he sees. The music builds. "We finally have something to do!" the musicians play. Clark superspeeds out of the scene, stupidly leaving the cabinet door open. We don't watch the show for his smarts. Multi-Show comes back with the soda ("I brought Fresca!"), but Clark is gone. He notices, of course, that the cabinet has been broken into. Clark is the world's greatest poker player.

A back road. The new song "Bad Day" by R.E.M. is playing, and it's not bad: very up-tempo. Everything is hazy as Clark is driving. It's daytime, but Clark is rubbing his eyes, struggling to stay awake. "Clark!" says Dreamy, who is sitting to Clark in the passenger seat. She says "he" is very angry. Clark tries mightily to connect 1 + 1 to arrive at some sum: "But if you're here...that means...." BANG! The truck hits a ramp and flips over. And it's not the new blue truck (we don't want to wreck that; it's not in the budget), but an older red truck. The car lands upside down. It's smashed the hell up.

Kent Kitchen. MamaKent is crunching numbers on her whirring calculator. They need a computer and QuickBooks bad. There's a knock at the door. "Lana! Hi! Come on in," MamaKent says, not really sounding like she's enjoying being interrupted. Too late. Lana's already inside. Lana says she's looking for Clark, and brought him a pick-me-up: an unappetizing-looking chocolate/coffee drink in a clear plastic cup. "He's not back from Lex's, but you're welcome to wait," MamaKent says. She neglects to mention that Clark's been there since the night before. Lana mentions that they have new neighbors. MamaKent humors her and says they're not as good as the old ones. Because MamaKent loved Nell and her bitchy disappearing ass. Lana sits down (she's wearing a striped top and jeans; she actually looks normal except for the super-pink lipstick and eyeshadow) and asks why Clark pushed her away. Nice. Go talk to his mommy. "Metropolis changed Clark," MamaKent says. She says he's not the same boy he was when he left. MamaKent says that she and Bo Duke are trying to figure it out, too. There's no indication whatsoever that he's changed in this episode, but whatever. Lana says she feels like if she stays in his orbit long enough, he'll eventually open up. Or punt you to Pluto. MamaKent wrinkles her nose as she looks at Lana sadly, thinking, "You poor, poor, deluded little fairy sprite. He's gay. Gay, I tell you! Gay as Marcia Harden! Queer as the Bravo Network! More Homo than Sapien! Child, get over him!" But before she can say that, Bo yells from outside, "Come quick! It's Clark!"

Outside, MamaKent and Lana run up in their jeans. Lana is still clutching her huge purse. What's she got in there, a unicorn? Bo is dragging Clark out the window of the overturned truck. What was Clark doing driving a truck other than his own? Clark's unconscious. Bo says he must have fallen asleep at the wheel. Lana reaches into her purse to get her phone and call an ambulance. Bo tells her not to. Bo says that Clark just hit his head (no damage there), and that he'll be fine. MamaKent asks where he was coming from; Lex's mansion is the other way. Clark's cheating on Lex! Bo moans that he warned Clark not to go to the neighbors' house. He drove there? When he has superspeed? What the fuck was he doing driving this truck? Does this make any sense? Does anybody care? Why am I yelling!? Lana says he was worried about Dreamy Girlinperil, and that it's her fault for taking Clark over there. This is the cue for MamaKent to slap Lana right across the mouth like Sissy Spacek did to Marisa Tomei in In the Bedroom. Instead, MamaKent says that Clark will be fine. He's unconscious and limp, but he'll be fine. No, don't call a doctor -- we have prayer. Lana asks about Dreamy. MamaKent says she's worried about Dreamy too. Why? Why would she be worried? Nothing connects here! GAAAHH! The camera does an extreme close-up on Clark's eyelid. The eyeball beneath is rolling around.

In Clark's dream, the (now fine) red truck skids to a halt, and Dreamy gets out through the passenger-side door and runs. Clark goes after her. They run past some park benches. She's running toward the lake pier whimpering. "We have to get away from him!" she yells. Clark says she can't keep running. She cries that she just wants to be free. Or at least to be part of a two-for-one coupon deal. Clark says she can; she just has to face Him. She says she's afraid. "You're keeping us in this dream," Clark says in a loud, annoyed tone. "I can't help you until I wake up! I have no power!" Captain! She's breakin' up! I've got no power! Damn the dilithium crystals! Dreamy says she's sorry. A gross hand pops out of the water and grabs her ankle. She screams and falls into the lake. Clark dives into her. Long, drawn-out shot of bubbles on the surface of the water.

Multi-Show Creep Manor. Inside, he's filling a syringe with liquid from a medicine bottle. "How did he know about this?" he asks out loud. "How did he know about the lilacs?" Stop torturing yourself, dude! Just be evil. He tells Dreamy menacingly that whatever's going on in that head of hers, it's going to stop. He's about to inject her when Lana pops in. "Don't put that needle in her!" she says. Now, how smart is this? Lana shows up without the Kents, with no pepper spray or gun, without calling the cops. With that kind of keen intelligence and foresight, she and Clark are made for each other. Instead of yelling at her to get out or threatening to call the cops his damn self, Multi-Show tries to hide the needle and asks how she got in there. "We know you've been drugging [Dreamy]," Lana says. She and the mouse in her pocket know. Multi-Show moves on Lana and says they're too neighborly for their own good. "If you kill her, there's no more money," Lana says. He counters, "Who said anything about killing her?" Touché. He spins Lana around and injects her in the neck. Where's your kickboxing now, Lana? Lana goes to dreamland. Dreamy's eyes roll around under her lids. Overdramatic music plays. Commercials.

The shore of Crater Lake. Clark -- soaking wet but fully dressed -- is carrying Dreamy out of the water. He faced down the monster underwater? Nice that we didn't see that. He puts her down, and she says she's fine, but that someone else is in trouble. "Lana," she whimpers. Behind Clark, The Traveler appears. And he brought a bunch of CGI storm clouds with him. He floats on the water. This is like a low-level Magic: The Gathering card. O yay, and The Traveler did appear, and the Smallville fans did get bored, wondering, "O Lord, why hast thou forsaken us? What, O Lord, is on NBC tonight? O what a tattered red robe you do carry, The Traveler. How did you pay for it? Did you use Traveler's Checks?" Close-up on the non-face of The Traveler. He says that he warned Dreamy, and that this is a fight she won't win. Clark isn't afraid, because it's not really scary. He says they have to save Lana. Dreamy whines that The Traveler's too strong; you can't stop him. Yeah, I think Clark can take on a velvet sack. Clark goes at the monster. The monster picks Clark up and chokes him. Clark asks for a little help. He gets tossed thirty feet onto a wooden table. Clark yells inspirational messages as The Traveler approaches Dreamy. Clark yells for her to fight. Her twisted expressions of fear turn into anger. She develops Girl Power while The Traveler spouts bad villain dialogue the likes of which haven't been heard since the last Vancouver Renaissance Fair. As Dreamy's anger grows, the clouds fade. The Traveler begins to lose his power. Clark -- who apparently now does have power -- uses his eyejaculation to blow up The Traveler. Well, that was easy.

Clark wakes up, gasping. MamaKent goes, "Clark!" He tells her Lana's in trouble. Yeah, they just let her wander off after the accident to get her dumb ass in trouble. Clark superspeeds door (sans truck) and finds Dreamy in bed. Lana's cell and purse are lying on the floor.

Lana's in the driver's seat of her SUV. Multi-Show Creep is pouring gasoline around it. Dumbest killing scene ever. He lights a Zippo and tosses the lighter at the gasoline trail. Oh, sure, the police definitely won't find that. You're a criminal mastermind.

Clark looks out the window of the House of Comas and somehow manages to do a zoom version of x-ray vision and sees what's going on with Lana and the Multi-Show Creep.

The lighter is thrown in slow-motion. Clark superspeeds through the scene and catches it. "Looking for this?" Clark asks. He's standing behind Multi-Show holding the lighter, the flame still going. Clark grabs him and tosses him against a tree. Villain fall down, go bye bye. A close-up of the St. Christopher medallion. Yeah. I get it.

LuthorCorp HQ. Papa Luthor can't read the newspaper without twitching his lips. Lex walks in. He's reverted to business clothes. He says he's decided to do the psychological profiling. Papa Luthor swivels in his chair and asks what changed Lex's mind. Lex says he was dealing from a position of fear, and that's something Papa Luthor can sniff out like a bloodhound. Papa Luthor says that's a handy skill to have. Lex half-smiles. He says that the only way he'll prove himself to Papa Luthor is to be in a position of strength. He says he has nothing to hide. Papa Luthor and Lex do the father-son dance. Lex says "Clare Foster" is the doctor doing the tests. Papa praises her, and says she'll be able to help Lex work through any problems. Yay! Lex says that the island didn't make him crazy. Papa hugs Lex (creepy!) and says of course it didn't. "But it'll be good to have that in writing," Papa Luthor adds. Before Lex leaves, Papa Luthor offers: "Lex. When you're rich, you're not crazy. You're eccentric."

Smallville Medical Center, the most colorful hospital ever. Clark, wearing a primary red t-shirt, visits, carrying lilacs. He walks into Dreamy's room. She's awake. "Clark, isn't it?" she asks, unsure who he is, apparently. Yet, she remembers everything they've been through together. She still doesn't know how she got into his dreams. Clark says the important thing is that she's safe and awake. She says that Clark's obviously a special guy. Clark says that in our dreams, we're all Super. Clark says he's curious to hear her perspective as he sits down. She says that Clark is someone who is clearly in love, but resists it. (What will society think?) "Lana, right?" she asks. No, not at all, but nice guess. Clark doesn't answer. Dreamy tells him to take it from someone who's been trapped for six years: don't push her away. Rather, focus your energy and push her in the direction of traffic. Clark says it's a long and complicated (and annoying) story. She says that she only knows what she saw. She says she may have been there, but that "Lana's the girl of [Clark's] dreams." I'm glad we had this episode to get that point across. I know we were all curious and wondering.

The Fortress of Album Pimpitude. Another R.E.M. song plays as Lana shows up in the loft, wearing a bold solid blue top. Clark says he's finally gotten some sleep and is now studying for that pesky History exam. He asks how Lana is feeling. She's got a really dark tan. She says she feels pretty stupid. He says that what she did was really brave. No, Clark, it was really stupid. Clark blah blahs about how Lana believed in him, he'll never know just what she sees in him. And who knows -- maybe, on some special night...if his song is right...wait, that’s Kenny Rogers. Lana says she finally met Dreamy. All the girl could talk about was Clark. Lana says she'd love to switch places and find out what goes on in Clark's head. Lana has officially turned the corner and become a Psycho Hose Beast Stalker. Lana says that maybe then she'd know why things between them.... She trails off. I yawn. Clark says that if he had the answers up here (he points vaguely toward his skull), Lana would be the first to know. Such. Utter. Bullshit. Lana says that the last few days, she's felt like the girl door. Well, that's because she's been skulking around their porch all week. she's going to build a little mattress fort outside the barn. Clark tells Lana she'll always be the girl door. I'm not sure that's exactly a compliment. Lana asks if they can do something this weekend -- you know, as friends. You broke up! BROKE UP! You're broken up! Stop it stop it stop it! Goddammit, you broke up! It's so unfair. Clark asks what Lana had in mind. Lana says it's been an oven outside in late October. She flaps her arms and suggests that they go to Crater Lake. Clark says he doesn't think skinny-dipping is a good idea. He doesn't? In disgust, Lana asks, "Who said anything about skinny-dipping? Maybe in your dreams, Clark." Yes, that's the prudish, annoying Lana we love to hate. Welcome back, Reality Lana. How I hate you. Lana waves goodbye. Clark looks down at his long-gone ghost of an erection. It's the end of the recap as we know it, and I feel fine.

In case you were wondering: The WB wants you to buy R.E.M.'s Greatest Hits album. Commercials: In case you needed another reason to love Target, they're using a Roy Orbison song in their ads. God, I love Target. And while you're shopping there, pick up a copy of Roy's Greatest Hits and listen to "In Dreams." It's about the most perfect song there is.

week: Michael McKean (Mr. Annette O' Toole!) as Perry White! I don't care how bad the episode might be, that is BAD-ASS. I love you, I love you, I love you Michael McKean. (Gushing to be continued week.)