I thought Rutger Hauer had a big head until I started seeing those pre-show promos for Angel. Man, Boreanz, you've got you some cranium there.
We open on the the Smallville High courtyard where a yellow sign reads simply, "Welcome back!" No puns about crows returning to the nest, thank goodness. A gaggle of girls exits the front doors of the school, all wearing yellow, and I wonder for a second if that's Pete's Pussy Posse. (Hey, don't get mad at me. I'm not the Leonardo who came up with that name.) The camera moves to a guy sitting near the entrance draining a plastic canister of water. Homeboy is thirsty. He's kind of pasty and blond, like Beck's little brother. A much tougher-looking kid with boyish dark-haired good looks, asks Pasty Boy if he's coming up for air. "I'm thirsty, is that a crime?" the kid asks. It is in some states if it's semen you're drinking. You know what? Maybe I should start over. I didn't intend for the recap to start off this nasty. Damn you, Smallville! Why must you bring out the perv in all of us? Dark-Haired Buff Boy asks our thirsty new character if he wants a ride home. No, he doesn't. Because he's waiting for someone. Lana Lang, wearing a baby blue top that's scooped low like floor-dwelling ice cream, emerges from the school. He's got a crush on Lana Lang? This is dangerous new territory for the show. Let's hope they don't mess up this remarkable new plot twist. Brunet Dude agrees with me. Thirsty Kid -- who has little tiny dolphin teeth -- says he heard Lana's single again. His buddy asks if they posted that on her official stalker web page. Dude, just pick a fan site. They're all stalking her. Hey, I don't remember if I told this story before, but when I visited Vancouver, some total stranger offered to show me where Kristin Kreuk's apartment was. I declined, wondering why in the world he would offer that, but it just goes to show that even in real life, the girl has weirdos hanging off her like a mummy wedding car trails bandages. The wussy kid says he's not stalking Lana. His friend, who doesn't seem like much of a friend, chides the kid for having her schedule memorized. Lana says goodbye to some friends with a little wave and gets into her brand-new SUV. As if we needed another reason to dislike Lana: She drives an SUV. Suave kid, who has a deep steady voice not unlike a young George Clooney, says she should qualify for Secret Service protection. If she had stayed with Clark, she would have needed secret cervix protection. Oy, vey, it's a dirty recap! I apologize, people. Kid Wuss is oblivious to his friend's words. He walks dreamily toward Lana as alt-crap bangs away in the background. He goes to her driver's-side window and says "Hi." Lana -- who, as you know, hates greetings of all kinds -- gives him a big fake smile and answers "Hi" back before driving away. How is that not totally rude? "Very smooth," Young George Clooney says as he pats his friend on the back derisively. He suggests that in ten years, Pasty Cline will be able to get a whole sentence off. Isn't this the way Clark started with Lana?
“ Lana dives into the pool. She swims. Then she stops when she hears a loud bang. 'Hello?' she calls out. Maybe it's the invisible lifeguard. ”
Suddenly, we're at the high-school pool at night. Nobody's there. It's scary. It's Swimfan! What high school allows students to go swimming completely unsupervised on school grounds? Oh, the one that has about twenty-two students die every school year. The camera pops up from the water and catches Lana, in a bright red swimsuit that accentuates her lack of a frame, and ogles her body from toes to head. The camera fluidly cranes and spins around over her head to go from the back of her head, down to her ass and feet. The camera has serious groping issues. Lana has her hair all loose, which makes about as much sense as her leaving school and then coming back at night for a swim does, but whatever. Lana dives into the pool. She swims. Then she stops when she hears a loud bang. "Hello?" she calls out. Maybe it's the invisible lifeguard. Bear in mind, there was nothing in the pool. We would have seen it. But that doesn't matter because AGGHH! Pasty Boy is underwater, his thick hair catching a wave. He watches Lana, as if he and the cameraman are in cahoots, as Lana continues to swim. Suddenly, he grabs a leg. Lana goes, "AGGHH!" She struggles. More leg-pulling. Dramatic music is playing. Lana is pulled down into the water and sorta strangled from behind. She punches underwater and manages to kick the Pasty Kid, who is even pastier in water. Lana tries to swim away and calls for help. She gets choked for real this time. There's a bang and something zipping through the water and suddenly, the Very White Kid lets go of Lana. He begins to float away. We pull back far enough to see some blood oozing out of his body. A meteor rock, glowing green, falls in the foreground through the water. The word "Freak" is emblazoned on it. Lana swims fast to the edge of the pool and spots someone with a rifle up on an upper level. The person sneaks away. Lana gets out of the pool. We go to the opening credits.
Of course, the high-school newspaper is all over this story as the (apparently day's) Smallville High Torch blares the headline, "MYSTERY SHOOTER SAVES SMALLVILLE STUDENT!" (Nice exclamation point there, Chloe.) Subhead: "Gunman foils attack in swimming pool." If this were real life, this school would have been shut down ages ago. "Gunman"? "Attack in swimming pool"? No photo of the kid who died, but a big honkin' photo of Lana Lang, of course, looking positively giddy at the attention. "A gunman saved me! I think I shall knit him a pink gun cozy!" I run out of things to say about this front page except that there's no way a high-school newspaper would get turned around that soon after an incident like that. Okay. I've vented. It's Pete grabbing the newspaper and showing it to Clark as they walk down the hall of the school together. Pete says that Clark's got some help in the superhero arena. "I don't know if I'd call him a hero, Pete," Clark says in his most condescending hero voice. He says he's just glad Lana's all right. Pete asks whether Clark's seen her. Clark says she doesn't really want him around. Because you broke up. Remember that. Don't be going back on that, now. You made us proud. Pete and Clark walk past some local cops as they search a locker. Sheriff Cheshire tells students to keep it moving, especially a tall student who looked for a second like he was about to bust a move on her. Pete says he can't believe that Pasty Boy "turned Swimfan on Lana." Ah, so it was outright theft, not merely homage.
“ Her flippy hair is toned down a bit, and she's wearing a very nice Asian-inspired top. This fashion report brought to you by: My Inner Gay Man. Hire him for your dinner party. ”
Chloe shows up just then to tell Pete and Clark that she doesn't think the stalking kid was your average teen. Her flippy hair is toned down a bit, and she's wearing a very nice Asian-inspired top. This fashion report brought to you by: My Inner Gay Man. Hire him for your dinner party. They all walk into the newsroom. Pete asks what makes Chloe think anything's unusual about death in their school. Chloe mentions the "Freak" meteor rock. Chloe reminds them of an incident in which she dropped her keys at Crater Lake and Pasty Boy went and fetched them for her, spending six minutes underwater. She says that's impossible unless you're David Blaine or a Himalayan yoga master. David Blaine's feat: not looking gay on Smallville. Sorry, Blaine. I don't think even you could pull that one off. Chloe opens up a file on her computer that she says is just hunches and leads, a purgatory before people end up on the Wall of Weird. Clark notices that she has a file on Pasty Boy. Chloe pulls it up, and we see it's complete with photos. She says she started suspecting a while back that he had amphibious abilities due to meteor-rock exposure. Clark disagrees and says he thinks the weird person here is the rifle-wielding commando who showed up to save Lana. Chloe suggests that Clark try to track down the vigilante while she explores Frog Boy. (He just graduated from Pasty to Frog in my Recap of Weird.) Long pause. Clark says that he could do that if he actually had a job at The Torch. Chloe says it was never clear who decided that Clark should quit. Pete smiles because that's all he can do with no lines. Chloe says she could lie and say she's busy with her Daily Planet column, but she really thinks it would be nice to have Clark back. Smiles all around.
Don't smile too hard, because there's evil afoot! Er, evil's around. And aghast. And it's abreast. Hee. A breast. Thunderous music plays as we cut to a shot of monochromatic Metropolis and the LuthorCorp headquarters. Somebody outside squeaks their car alarm. Outside, Lex's silver sports car is parked right in front, to a sleek black car which we can assume belongs to Papa Luthor. Don't these guys get covered parking? Inside, in his cold, cold modern office, Papa Luthor is talking on the phone to a doctor, whom he tells he'll have Lex visit by the end of the week. Papa gets off the phone just as Lex walks through the automated doors. Lex is wearing a regular business suit including a tie, and while you would think Lex in a suit would be rrrroooowwwwrrrr, it's actually more like meow. It just makes him look buttoned-up and stiff. And not in the good way. Lex is carrying a silver suitcase. Papa Luthor welcomes him back and gives him a "bro" handshake, underhanded. Lex says it feels like he never left. Papa Luthor chuckles. I hope that was a good inside joke. Papa Luthor says that Lex gets the office to his, with the river view. Lex says he's not there to enjoy the scenery; he's there to generate profits. Did he just channel Michael Douglas from Wall Street? Papa Luthor tells Lex he already has the job, and says that Lex will need to fill out some paperwork. "Coffee?" Papa Luthor asks. I'd love some. Lex says, "I'm good." He lies. He's actually great. Lex looks at the paperwork. "Corporate life insurance?" he asks. Papa Luthor pours some coffee for me and says it's standard for all upper-level employees. Lex asks if $50 million is standard. No that's "Platinum." Papa Luthor says, "Don't underestimate your own value, my son." If he had told Lex that in Little League, they might not have been at odds for so many years. Lex hesitates. He says it's hard not to read too much into it to see dollar signs attached to the value of your life. Papa Luthor forces a chuckle and says he thought they'd moved past Lex's "distrust reflex." Only Duran Duran truly understands "The Reflex." Lex calls it common sense. Papa Luthor explains that Lex is a corporate asset, and that if LutherCorp loses him, the company needs to be compensated. I know it's supposed to seem all evil, but it makes perfect sense to me. Rich people got gold in their veins. Papa Luthor pats Lex on the shoulder, like, three times to signal that he understands Lex's reluctance. Papa Luthor tells Lex to give his security card to Nelson on his way out. Nelson cries, "Ha ha!" So is Lex fired now?
A plain red credit card slides across a table. Lana takes it and carries it along with a tray at The Talon. She's wearing blue again. Could this be the end of her pink cycle? "Hey Lana," Clark says behind her. He's wearing primary red. Together they're...damn, I'm not good with the color wheel. Together they're...is "Awful" a color? Lana says she hasn't seen Clark in a while. He's got a red backpack too? That's a lot of red, Clark. You might want to try earth tones that aren't volcanic. Clark says he thought this way might easier. "Easier on whom?" Lana asks. On the viewers, maybe? Clark says he didn't come to upset Lana. He says he's doing a story on Frog Boy for the Torch. "That's great, Clark," Lana says in a way that shouts that it really isn't. "What do you want to know?" Clark says that Lana told the police the former Pasty Boy (now deceased) had a friend with him when he approached Lana. Lana so did not notice that. She could barely collect herself to say "Hi." Clark asks Lana to ID the guy, and shows her a copy of the yearbook. She finds him right away: "Van McNulty." Worst name ever. I mean, I got shit about my name growing up, but "Van McNulty"? It's like a bully's wet dream. I can't improve upon that at all. He shall forever more be "Van McNulty." I'm going to try it without quote marks now: Van McNulty. Goddamn, that's hilarious. Lana brusquely says she's glad she could help. She starts to walk away, but Clark grabs her by the hand the way guys who've fucked up do, all, "Aw, baby, I didn't mean to sleep with your sister!" Clark touches Lana's arm but they end up holding hands. You broke up! We all saw it! Knock that off! Lana asks if this is on or off the record. It can be on the floor if you want, girl. Daaaaaammmn! Clark says he's sorry he hasn't stopped by. Lana says she knows they're not together anymore (DISMISSED!), but that Clark doesn't need an excuse to come see her. Just a total lack of sense.
Chloe comes and walks right between them, but we don't see their hand-holding break off. Did Chloe think this was a game of Red Rover? She quickly says that they can rule out the Himalayan yoga master theory. She shows them a bunch of photos courtesy of her coroner friend, and says that they won't be in the official autopsy report. Homeboy had gills! How did he hide them when he wasn't in water? Lana says that's disgusting. "Personally I find the gaping bullet wound more disturbing," Clark says in his most strident tone. Lana says that if the shooter hadn't shown up, she'd be dead. And your point is...? Lana asks forgiveness for not being more sympathetic to the "Gill-Boy who tried to drown me." Clark says that Gill Boy was exposed to meteor rocks. He didn't ask for gills. Lana says that's just like Bug Boy not wanting to be Bug Boy (damn, that was a while back) or Tina Greer not wanting to be Shapeshifta' Girl. (Except Lana calls her a "bone morpher," which sounds just dirty enough to be funny.) Lana points out that when Bug Boy and Shapeshifta' Girl got their powers, they went psycho and tried to kill her. "Tina even came back for seconds," Lana says. She says that Chloe's been attacked by more of them than Lana has. She brings up the "Crush" guy (Adam Brody!) and the kid who could turn people to ice. This is like a total Freak of the Week Tribute Episode. Chloe recounts those exploits and says, "Thanks for the memories." Clark says that a shot to the head is a little more extreme. It is? Lana says that Clark has saved them from these people countless times. What makes him different from the shooter? To start with, Clark says, he's never killed anybody. Bullshit! Lana asks how Shapeshifta' Girl ended up impaled in an alley. Clark says she did that to herself. "I was protecting you," he adds. "Spoken like a true vigilante," Lana responds. Ooh, that sneaky Lana Lang! Using that crazy logic of hers. Lana walks away. Clark looks to Chloe, who's all, "Don't look at me, killer."
“ Clark concludes that 'Lana's hero' isn't trying to save people; he's just hunting mutants. It's the most dangerous mutant game. ”
Torch. Clark is sitting at Chloe's computer as she walks in, carrying some folders including a pink three-ring binder that must belong to Lana. Chloe asks Clark if he remembers the green "Freak" rock they found with Pasty Boy's body. She gives Clark a photo of a local mechanic who was gunned down two weeks before and had a rock to his body, too. This is a violent-ass town. How do people still want to live there? They should all just move to Lawrence. Chloe says that when she had her VW Bug in the shop, she could swear the mechanic reached for a wrench three feet under her car. So he was a Plastic Man Mutant. I would have rather seen that than someone with gills. Chloe says she started a file on the mechanic, but the guy never went psycho like the swimming stalker did. Clark concludes that "Lana's hero" isn't trying to save people; he's just hunting mutants. It's the most dangerous mutant game. Chloe says it's Smallville's own version of a hate crime. "But why?" Chloe asks. "Revenge," Clark says in an overly-serious actorly way that should be accompanied by his turning around of a swivel chair, to the sound of an organ chord. It turns out there is a swivel, though -- Clark turns around the gorgeous Alienware flat-panel monitor to show her a news story about the father of Van McNulty (the McNulty that is not actually transported in a van), who, it turns out was murdered by Shapeshifta' Girl. Daddy McNulty was the marine recruiter she killed off-camera that we only heard about. Chloe says that the son decided to "go Terminator on the rest." Which of the three movies? Because if the Apocalypse is coming on this show, I want to know about it.
, Clark and Pete are walking through the woods. I have no idea why Clark is dragging poor Pete by foot when he could have superzipped there hours ago, and Pete is right to bitch that his definition of a "hike" ended two miles back. Clark says that they have to gather evidence for the police. Why not just send an anonymous tip? Oh, right -- because this isn't Law & Order. Clark wants them to search a cabin where Van McNulty and Daddy McNulty used to hang out together. Pete continues to bitch that they've already searched a lot of McNulty's stuff -- the car, the locker, the house. Clark mentions that the murder weapon was a hunting rifle. Pete says that it's not like you can't find out of those on the back window of every truck in town. Funny, though, that we've been seeing trucks on this show since it started, and not once have we seen a gun rack like that. Would that Pete's observation were consistent with the show he's on.