I thought Rutger Hauer had a big head until I started seeing those pre-show promos for Angel. Man, Boreanz, you've got you some cranium there.
We open on the the Smallville High courtyard where a yellow sign reads simply, "Welcome back!" No puns about crows returning to the nest, thank goodness. A gaggle of girls exits the front doors of the school, all wearing yellow, and I wonder for a second if that's Pete's Pussy Posse. (Hey, don't get mad at me. I'm not the Leonardo who came up with that name.) The camera moves to a guy sitting near the entrance draining a plastic canister of water. Homeboy is thirsty. He's kind of pasty and blond, like Beck's little brother. A much tougher-looking kid with boyish dark-haired good looks, asks Pasty Boy if he's coming up for air. "I'm thirsty, is that a crime?" the kid asks. It is in some states if it's semen you're drinking. You know what? Maybe I should start over. I didn't intend for the recap to start off this nasty. Damn you, Smallville! Why must you bring out the perv in all of us? Dark-Haired Buff Boy asks our thirsty new character if he wants a ride home. No, he doesn't. Because he's waiting for someone. Lana Lang, wearing a baby blue top that's scooped low like floor-dwelling ice cream, emerges from the school. He's got a crush on Lana Lang? This is dangerous new territory for the show. Let's hope they don't mess up this remarkable new plot twist. Brunet Dude agrees with me. Thirsty Kid -- who has little tiny dolphin teeth -- says he heard Lana's single again. His buddy asks if they posted that on her official stalker web page. Dude, just pick a fan site. They're all stalking her. Hey, I don't remember if I told this story before, but when I visited Vancouver, some total stranger offered to show me where Kristin Kreuk's apartment was. I declined, wondering why in the world he would offer that, but it just goes to show that even in real life, the girl has weirdos hanging off her like a mummy wedding car trails bandages. The wussy kid says he's not stalking Lana. His friend, who doesn't seem like much of a friend, chides the kid for having her schedule memorized. Lana says goodbye to some friends with a little wave and gets into her brand-new SUV. As if we needed another reason to dislike Lana: She drives an SUV. Suave kid, who has a deep steady voice not unlike a young George Clooney, says she should qualify for Secret Service protection. If she had stayed with Clark, she would have needed secret cervix protection. Oy, vey, it's a dirty recap! I apologize, people. Kid Wuss is oblivious to his friend's words. He walks dreamily toward Lana as alt-crap bangs away in the background. He goes to her driver's-side window and says "Hi." Lana -- who, as you know, hates greetings of all kinds -- gives him a big fake smile and answers "Hi" back before driving away. How is that not totally rude? "Very smooth," Young George Clooney says as he pats his friend on the back derisively. He suggests that in ten years, Pasty Cline will be able to get a whole sentence off. Isn't this the way Clark started with Lana?
Suddenly, we're at the high-school pool at night. Nobody's there. It's scary. It's Swimfan! What high school allows students to go swimming completely unsupervised on school grounds? Oh, the one that has about twenty-two students die every school year. The camera pops up from the water and catches Lana, in a bright red swimsuit that accentuates her lack of a frame, and ogles her body from toes to head. The camera fluidly cranes and spins around over her head to go from the back of her head, down to her ass and feet. The camera has serious groping issues. Lana has her hair all loose, which makes about as much sense as her leaving school and then coming back at night for a swim does, but whatever. Lana dives into the pool. She swims. Then she stops when she hears a loud bang. "Hello?" she calls out. Maybe it's the invisible lifeguard. Bear in mind, there was nothing in the pool. We would have seen it. But that doesn't matter because AGGHH! Pasty Boy is underwater, his thick hair catching a wave. He watches Lana, as if he and the cameraman are in cahoots, as Lana continues to swim. Suddenly, he grabs a leg. Lana goes, "AGGHH!" She struggles. More leg-pulling. Dramatic music is playing. Lana is pulled down into the water and sorta strangled from behind. She punches underwater and manages to kick the Pasty Kid, who is even pastier in water. Lana tries to swim away and calls for help. She gets choked for real this time. There's a bang and something zipping through the water and suddenly, the Very White Kid lets go of Lana. He begins to float away. We pull back far enough to see some blood oozing out of his body. A meteor rock, glowing green, falls in the foreground through the water. The word "Freak" is emblazoned on it. Lana swims fast to the edge of the pool and spots someone with a rifle up on an upper level. The person sneaks away. Lana gets out of the pool. We go to the opening credits.
Of course, the high-school newspaper is all over this story as the (apparently day's) Smallville High Torch blares the headline, "MYSTERY SHOOTER SAVES SMALLVILLE STUDENT!" (Nice exclamation point there, Chloe.) Subhead: "Gunman foils attack in swimming pool." If this were real life, this school would have been shut down ages ago. "Gunman"? "Attack in swimming pool"? No photo of the kid who died, but a big honkin' photo of Lana Lang, of course, looking positively giddy at the attention. "A gunman saved me! I think I shall knit him a pink gun cozy!" I run out of things to say about this front page except that there's no way a high-school newspaper would get turned around that soon after an incident like that. Okay. I've vented. It's Pete grabbing the newspaper and showing it to Clark as they walk down the hall of the school together. Pete says that Clark's got some help in the superhero arena. "I don't know if I'd call him a hero, Pete," Clark says in his most condescending hero voice. He says he's just glad Lana's all right. Pete asks whether Clark's seen her. Clark says she doesn't really want him around. Because you broke up. Remember that. Don't be going back on that, now. You made us proud. Pete and Clark walk past some local cops as they search a locker. Sheriff Cheshire tells students to keep it moving, especially a tall student who looked for a second like he was about to bust a move on her. Pete says he can't believe that Pasty Boy "turned Swimfan on Lana." Ah, so it was outright theft, not merely homage.
Chloe shows up just then to tell Pete and Clark that she doesn't think the stalking kid was your average teen. Her flippy hair is toned down a bit, and she's wearing a very nice Asian-inspired top. This fashion report brought to you by: My Inner Gay Man. Hire him for your dinner party. They all walk into the newsroom. Pete asks what makes Chloe think anything's unusual about death in their school. Chloe mentions the "Freak" meteor rock. Chloe reminds them of an incident in which she dropped her keys at Crater Lake and Pasty Boy went and fetched them for her, spending six minutes underwater. She says that's impossible unless you're David Blaine or a Himalayan yoga master. David Blaine's feat: not looking gay on Smallville. Sorry, Blaine. I don't think even you could pull that one off. Chloe opens up a file on her computer that she says is just hunches and leads, a purgatory before people end up on the Wall of Weird. Clark notices that she has a file on Pasty Boy. Chloe pulls it up, and we see it's complete with photos. She says she started suspecting a while back that he had amphibious abilities due to meteor-rock exposure. Clark disagrees and says he thinks the weird person here is the rifle-wielding commando who showed up to save Lana. Chloe suggests that Clark try to track down the vigilante while she explores Frog Boy. (He just graduated from Pasty to Frog in my Recap of Weird.) Long pause. Clark says that he could do that if he actually had a job at The Torch. Chloe says it was never clear who decided that Clark should quit. Pete smiles because that's all he can do with no lines. Chloe says she could lie and say she's busy with her Daily Planet column, but she really thinks it would be nice to have Clark back. Smiles all around.
Don't smile too hard, because there's evil afoot! Er, evil's around. And aghast. And it's abreast. Hee. A breast. Thunderous music plays as we cut to a shot of monochromatic Metropolis and the LuthorCorp headquarters. Somebody outside squeaks their car alarm. Outside, Lex's silver sports car is parked right in front, to a sleek black car which we can assume belongs to Papa Luthor. Don't these guys get covered parking? Inside, in his cold, cold modern office, Papa Luthor is talking on the phone to a doctor, whom he tells he'll have Lex visit by the end of the week. Papa gets off the phone just as Lex walks through the automated doors. Lex is wearing a regular business suit including a tie, and while you would think Lex in a suit would be rrrroooowwwwrrrr, it's actually more like meow. It just makes him look buttoned-up and stiff. And not in the good way. Lex is carrying a silver suitcase. Papa Luthor welcomes him back and gives him a "bro" handshake, underhanded. Lex says it feels like he never left. Papa Luthor chuckles. I hope that was a good inside joke. Papa Luthor says that Lex gets the office to his, with the river view. Lex says he's not there to enjoy the scenery; he's there to generate profits. Did he just channel Michael Douglas from Wall Street? Papa Luthor tells Lex he already has the job, and says that Lex will need to fill out some paperwork. "Coffee?" Papa Luthor asks. I'd love some. Lex says, "I'm good." He lies. He's actually great. Lex looks at the paperwork. "Corporate life insurance?" he asks. Papa Luthor pours some coffee for me and says it's standard for all upper-level employees. Lex asks if $50 million is standard. No that's "Platinum." Papa Luthor says, "Don't underestimate your own value, my son." If he had told Lex that in Little League, they might not have been at odds for so many years. Lex hesitates. He says it's hard not to read too much into it to see dollar signs attached to the value of your life. Papa Luthor forces a chuckle and says he thought they'd moved past Lex's "distrust reflex." Only Duran Duran truly understands "The Reflex." Lex calls it common sense. Papa Luthor explains that Lex is a corporate asset, and that if LutherCorp loses him, the company needs to be compensated. I know it's supposed to seem all evil, but it makes perfect sense to me. Rich people got gold in their veins. Papa Luthor pats Lex on the shoulder, like, three times to signal that he understands Lex's reluctance. Papa Luthor tells Lex to give his security card to Nelson on his way out. Nelson cries, "Ha ha!" So is Lex fired now?
A plain red credit card slides across a table. Lana takes it and carries it along with a tray at The Talon. She's wearing blue again. Could this be the end of her pink cycle? "Hey Lana," Clark says behind her. He's wearing primary red. Together they're...damn, I'm not good with the color wheel. Together they're...is "Awful" a color? Lana says she hasn't seen Clark in a while. He's got a red backpack too? That's a lot of red, Clark. You might want to try earth tones that aren't volcanic. Clark says he thought this way might easier. "Easier on whom?" Lana asks. On the viewers, maybe? Clark says he didn't come to upset Lana. He says he's doing a story on Frog Boy for the Torch. "That's great, Clark," Lana says in a way that shouts that it really isn't. "What do you want to know?" Clark says that Lana told the police the former Pasty Boy (now deceased) had a friend with him when he approached Lana. Lana so did not notice that. She could barely collect herself to say "Hi." Clark asks Lana to ID the guy, and shows her a copy of the yearbook. She finds him right away: "Van McNulty." Worst name ever. I mean, I got shit about my name growing up, but "Van McNulty"? It's like a bully's wet dream. I can't improve upon that at all. He shall forever more be "Van McNulty." I'm going to try it without quote marks now: Van McNulty. Goddamn, that's hilarious. Lana brusquely says she's glad she could help. She starts to walk away, but Clark grabs her by the hand the way guys who've fucked up do, all, "Aw, baby, I didn't mean to sleep with your sister!" Clark touches Lana's arm but they end up holding hands. You broke up! We all saw it! Knock that off! Lana asks if this is on or off the record. It can be on the floor if you want, girl. Daaaaaammmn! Clark says he's sorry he hasn't stopped by. Lana says she knows they're not together anymore (DISMISSED!), but that Clark doesn't need an excuse to come see her. Just a total lack of sense.
Chloe comes and walks right between them, but we don't see their hand-holding break off. Did Chloe think this was a game of Red Rover? She quickly says that they can rule out the Himalayan yoga master theory. She shows them a bunch of photos courtesy of her coroner friend, and says that they won't be in the official autopsy report. Homeboy had gills! How did he hide them when he wasn't in water? Lana says that's disgusting. "Personally I find the gaping bullet wound more disturbing," Clark says in his most strident tone. Lana says that if the shooter hadn't shown up, she'd be dead. And your point is...? Lana asks forgiveness for not being more sympathetic to the "Gill-Boy who tried to drown me." Clark says that Gill Boy was exposed to meteor rocks. He didn't ask for gills. Lana says that's just like Bug Boy not wanting to be Bug Boy (damn, that was a while back) or Tina Greer not wanting to be Shapeshifta' Girl. (Except Lana calls her a "bone morpher," which sounds just dirty enough to be funny.) Lana points out that when Bug Boy and Shapeshifta' Girl got their powers, they went psycho and tried to kill her. "Tina even came back for seconds," Lana says. She says that Chloe's been attacked by more of them than Lana has. She brings up the "Crush" guy (Adam Brody!) and the kid who could turn people to ice. This is like a total Freak of the Week Tribute Episode. Chloe recounts those exploits and says, "Thanks for the memories." Clark says that a shot to the head is a little more extreme. It is? Lana says that Clark has saved them from these people countless times. What makes him different from the shooter? To start with, Clark says, he's never killed anybody. Bullshit! Lana asks how Shapeshifta' Girl ended up impaled in an alley. Clark says she did that to herself. "I was protecting you," he adds. "Spoken like a true vigilante," Lana responds. Ooh, that sneaky Lana Lang! Using that crazy logic of hers. Lana walks away. Clark looks to Chloe, who's all, "Don't look at me, killer."
Creepy Metropolis skyline. Gotta love those Kansas harbors. A woman lets Chloe in to Papa Luthor's ultra-modern office. Papa Luthor is at his desk (have we ever seen him actually sitting on a desk?), and he asks Chloe if she's brought him an addendum to her Clark Kent report. For such a complex man, he has an awfully simple computer mouse. Chloe hands over a blue folder and says it's her final article for The Daily Planet, and that she's turning in her resignation. Fine, Smallville So you completely answered my question about this plot thread from last week. Very nice timing, that. Papa Luthor says her resignation is unexpected and disappointing. Chloe says that some people are better at leading double lives than others. Chloe tries to have that be the last word and walk off all "Power Girl!" but Papa Luthor stops her by saying that she misunderstood him. He says that the one who's going to be disappointed is her father. I smell a threat in the air! It smells like roasted pork. Papa Luthor stands and goes to Chloe, telling her in a playful voice reminiscent of Dr. Cox from Scrubs that it's disappointing because her father just put a big down payment on a house overlooking the golf course. Chloe scoffs. She says he hasn't paid off the water heater. She doubts he's moving them to "Brat Flats." Papa Luthor says it must be his way of celebrating his new promotion. Papa Luthor says that when he promoted her father, he was brimming with pride. Now? Soooo disappointed. And unemployed. Papa Luthor really plays that up, too. Chloe moves her eyebrows around in shock and says he can't do this. "Yes I can," Papa Luthor says, his eyes shining. You really do believe he can. He says he thinks they're going to enjoy a long and fruitful partnership. What have I told you about deals with the Devil, Chloe? Wait, I guess I haven't said anything about that. They're bad! Don't do it! It's too late! Chloe looks sad and trapped.
Van McNulty (hee) is walking down the school hallways. He's got a police scanner/walkie-talking-looking gadget strapped to his belt, and he's listening to it with an earbud headphone. He's wearing a red shirt with "22" on it. Clark, waring a blue t-shirt (red = evil? Blue = good?) flags him down in the hall. He says he's sorry homeboy's friend got killed. Van McNulty (now with extra Nults!) says that his friend was always chasing girls down, but that he never thought the pasty dude would attack somebody. Clark happens to be looking at McNulty's belt. McNulty explains that it's a police scanner, and that he wants to hear if they catch his friend's killer. Clark says he's doing a story for the newspaper and wants some background on the friend. McNulty says that everything he knows is in the police report. As is all of that is stuff he needed to know that he learned in kindergarten. Clark notices a photo in McNulty's locker of a thick-looking military man who kind of resembles John Mahoney when he was in Say Anything.... Clark says he's never seen so many medals before (although the guy actually doesn't have so many and they're all the bar kind), and asks if it's McNulty's dad. McNulty just nods. Clark says he must be a real hero. But can he fly? McNulty says he was, and that he was a great father who used to do everything together with McNulty. As a bell rings,McNulty says he's going to be late for class and walks away. Clark watches him intensely as he leaves. Why doesn't Clark do some x-ray vision on McNulty's locker or his backpack?
Torch. Clark is sitting at Chloe's computer as she walks in, carrying some folders including a pink three-ring binder that must belong to Lana. Chloe asks Clark if he remembers the green "Freak" rock they found with Pasty Boy's body. She gives Clark a photo of a local mechanic who was gunned down two weeks before and had a rock to his body, too. This is a violent-ass town. How do people still want to live there? They should all just move to Lawrence. Chloe says that when she had her VW Bug in the shop, she could swear the mechanic reached for a wrench three feet under her car. So he was a Plastic Man Mutant. I would have rather seen that than someone with gills. Chloe says she started a file on the mechanic, but the guy never went psycho like the swimming stalker did. Clark concludes that "Lana's hero" isn't trying to save people; he's just hunting mutants. It's the most dangerous mutant game. Chloe says it's Smallville's own version of a hate crime. "But why?" Chloe asks. "Revenge," Clark says in an overly-serious actorly way that should be accompanied by his turning around of a swivel chair, to the sound of an organ chord. It turns out there is a swivel, though -- Clark turns around the gorgeous Alienware flat-panel monitor to show her a news story about the father of Van McNulty (the McNulty that is not actually transported in a van), who, it turns out was murdered by Shapeshifta' Girl. Daddy McNulty was the marine recruiter she killed off-camera that we only heard about. Chloe says that the son decided to "go Terminator on the rest." Which of the three movies? Because if the Apocalypse is coming on this show, I want to know about it.
, Clark and Pete are walking through the woods. I have no idea why Clark is dragging poor Pete by foot when he could have superzipped there hours ago, and Pete is right to bitch that his definition of a "hike" ended two miles back. Clark says that they have to gather evidence for the police. Why not just send an anonymous tip? Oh, right -- because this isn't Law & Order. Clark wants them to search a cabin where Van McNulty and Daddy McNulty used to hang out together. Pete continues to bitch that they've already searched a lot of McNulty's stuff -- the car, the locker, the house. Clark mentions that the murder weapon was a hunting rifle. Pete says that it's not like you can't find out of those on the back window of every truck in town. Funny, though, that we've been seeing trucks on this show since it started, and not once have we seen a gun rack like that. Would that Pete's observation were consistent with the show he's on.
Clark and Pete walk into a musty cabin that's completely unlocked. Clark shines a flashlight inside even though it's still the middle of the day. Product Placement Pete says that the inside is in serious need of some Lemon Pledge. Oh, Pete. You're so brand-aware. Before they've touched a single thing, Pete is already being annoying, saying that they should go and that there's nothing there. If anything, Pete should want to take a breather, scope out some brands in the cabinets -- maybe make a plug for Off! insect repellant. Clark spots a photo on a shelf. "He was pretty tight with his dad," Clark says. I'm not going anywhere near that. Pete says that there's no offense in father-son bonding. He says that a little defensively; no wonder we've never seen Mr. Ross. Clark finds a closet with a small padlock on it. Clark does his x-ray vision and sees a bunch of guns inside. He calls it a "serious arsenal." Pete says, "It's a hunting cabin. What do you expect?" Pete's ass was ready to leave just a minute ago. Does anybody really know what Pete's character is supposed to be? Clark's conscience? His "Little Buddy," à la Gilligan's Island? Token naysayer? Pete, it's like we don't even know you anymore. I remember your glory days -- those days and nights of Sneaky Pete. Clark crushes the padlock like so much Nilla Wafer-brand snack cookies, as Pete might say. Inside: rifles, a crossbow, and the work "FREAKS" spraypainted in green on the wall. On the wall are bios of supposed freaks, each with the browser headings "FILE OF WEIRD." Several people have been Xed in green paint, including Pasty Gill Fish Freak Boy (you can get him as scampi now at Red Lobster-brand seafood restaurant, with a nice side of lemon butter). Clark shines his flashlight up and to the right and sees a bio of Lex Luthor with an X on it. I thought you were only supposed to put an X after you killed the person. But then, I don't know from murder. Pete asks what Lex's picture is doing there. "Pete, call the sheriff," Clark says in alarm. He runs away. Pete stands still with what looks like absolutely no intent to use his Verizon-brand cellular phone to alert the authorities.
LuthorCorp building. Lex is walking to his car, which is all of twenty feet from the door.
Clark-view of the roads as he zips across them on his way to the big city. Close-up of Clark running, his hair flying back. His expression of determined running is hilarious.
Lex "whup whups" his car alarm and is about to get in the car. He pauses as if something's wrong. A sniper, off in a nearby building, is eying Lex.
Run, Clark, run! He does.
The sniper -- a Mr. Van McNulty (nothing beats a salty McNulty) -- loads his gun and aims. His crosshairs are on Lex's shoulder.
More running.
Now the red aiming dot is on the back of Lex's head. Dude, get in the car already! The bullet fires. It ripples time and space as it reaches toward that holiest of holies. Clark appears in the frame, in bullet time, and catches the slug in his hand. He grabs Lex by the shoulders and yells, "Lex! Get down!" Lex is about to do the Electric Slide, but Clark pulls him to the ground. Another shot shatters the driver's-side window of the sports car. A bunch of bodyguards come outside. Clark yells at them that somebody is trying to kill them. They rush Lex inside. Jittery camera work as Clark tries to spot the sniper. Clark drops the slug. Why can't Clark do x-ray and chase the mutha down? Oh, wait -- he does. McNulty tries to run down an alley, and Clark tackles him. Some meteor rocks fall out of McNulty's backpack and Clark gets woozy. He grunts. Badly. McNulty has figured out that Clark is "one of them." He asks if Clark is a bulletproof freak. Well, yes, but also an emotional freak if you get to know him. McNulty notices the meteor rock affecting Clark. He kicks Clark onto his back. "What's wrong?" he asks. He moves the rock over Clark like he's doing some New Age crystal work. Clark writhes. "How's that feel?" McNulty asks. He's definitely a Top. Just as McNulty is starting to get some McWood, some black cars round the corner in pursuit. McNulty leaves the rock on Clark's chest and runs off. The rock rolls off Clark as he continues to pant. Close-up of the word "FREAK" on the rock. We go to commercials.
Hey, a commercial for Lemon Pledge! Well, what do you know?
Big, bad LuthorCorp with the Darth Vader music playing. Inside, Lex is at the top of a set of stairs, surrounded by guys in suits. For one brief, hopeful moment I think he's going to sing "Material Girl" and get carried down the stairs in their arms. Clark is brought inside, and Lex tells the guards to let go of his beatific farmboy. As Clark and Lex walk down the stairs together (those guards are seriously doing the hands-cupped-at-the-crotch Secret Service stance in the background), Lex asks how Clark knew somebody was going to try to kill him. Doesn't that happen about every week? Even from Lex's wife? Clark only says that it's the same guy who shot Lana's swimfan. Lex asks what the guy wants with him. Clark says that this is gonna sound bizarre (try us), but Van McNulty thinks the meteor rocks altered certain people. Lex asks what Clark means by "altered." Clark says he thinks those people have abilities, and that he had a hunting hit list: "They found it in his cabin." "They" being you and Pete? You think Lex isn't gonna find that out? Lex says the only abilities he has are "playing the market and falling for the wrong women." Heh. That's a good line. Sexually misleading, but funny. "He's obviously crazy," Clark says. Yeah, he hasn't been reading the recaps. Lex says there must be some reason McNulty picked him. Maybe it's just a good old-fashioned crush.
The Torch. Chloe is reminding Clark that Lex has survived a meteor crash, a car accident off a bridge, and a plane crash. He's Unbreakable! Chloe says that even Lex can't afford a guardian angel with that much clout. It's not money he uses to pay for it. Chloe types on her computer (which I covet) that according to Lex's medical records (ethics? What ethics?), Lex's white blood cell count is off the charts. Meanwhile, the White Stripes' White Blood Cells has finally fallen off the charts. Clark is mad that Chloe's been keeping a file on Lex. Clark asks Chloe if she didn't already learn her lesson about keeping secret files. Chloe says that they're her own private notes. She asks when curiosity became a crime. Right about the time they passed those animal cruelty laws saying you can't kill cats. Clark tells Chloe that Van McNulty (almost totally Nultz) has been using her database as a hit list. He tells her that McNulty had the same files on his bulletin board. Chloe looks at Lex's profile on her computer and remembers that McNulty helped set up the computer network. She says he must have cracked her password. Chloe has the Moment of Realization. "Oh God, Clark," Chloe says, "this is all my fault." Clark sighs and says he didn't mean to blame Chloe. Clark must be completely sick of girls at this point. They're all emotional and needy (just on this show! Don't email me, ladies! You know I love you!) and he constantly has to reassure them. He's about to start a He-Man Woman Haters Club. Clark says it's not like Chloe pulled the trigger. Chloe, teary-eyed, says she just loaded the gun and pointed it in the right direction.
In other news, Lana hasn't been around since the beginning of the episode. And the crowd goes wild: "Yaaaay!"
Deep in LuthorCorp headquarters. Papa Luthor -- very paternal and concerned -- comes in and finds Lex sitting in an office. He's glad Lex is all right. He says that Lex is now covered by his personal security. Lex laughs and says he appreciates the gesture, but that he's not gonna let an adolescent assassin disrupt things. Papa Luthor tells Lex not to take that cavalier attitude. The Cavaliers suck. If anything, he should have an attitude inspired by the greatness of the San Antonio Spurs. Lex notes that he's insured now. Papa Luthor says that, actually, he isn't: he's having trouble getting Lex insured by Lloyd's of London. They can insure J.Lo's ass, but not Lex's life? Lex seems surprised. "On what grounds?" he asks. Papa Luthor says it's because Lex has a tendency to attract near-death encounters. Lex says he would think surviving would count for something. They're having a grand old time talking about insurance and death. Papa Luthor says, gregariously, that he'll get it straightened out. Lex says, "Dad. Before the meteor shower, was I ever sick?" Papa Luthor says that as a child, Lex had asthma, but other than that, no. Did Lex ever survive a train wreck? Get married to Demi Moore and date Alisha Klass? Lex asks if Papa Luthor doesn't find it strange that Lex hasn't been sick a day in his life since. Lex is very tickled by all this. "What's this about, Lex?" Papa asks. Lex says it's nothing. He says he inherited strong genes. They both laugh. Lex walks away, and Papa Luthor suddenly looks dead serious.
The Talon. Clark runs into Sheriff Cheshire and asks if they've found Van McNulty (still a name that amuses me). She says no, but aw, not to worry, he's just a sniper and he probably won't come back to Smallville, where all his guns and his targets are located. Clark says he thinks she's wrong, and shows her a list of people he thinks will be potential targets. Weren't the people on the cabin wall his potential targets? Don't the cops already know this? Cheshire asks if they're in the psychic business now. Clark asks her to look at the first three names. It's the two deaths, and Lex. A fourth name, "Greg Arkin," is on the list. Sheriff Cheshire asks where he got the list. Clark says it's from a friend who believes in a certain "phenomenon" in the town. She says it's out of her jurisdiction. The town is out of her jurisdiction? That's a shitty sheriff job, then. Clark says she doesn't have to believe in magic: if McNulty believes they're freaks, they're in danger. Sheriff Cheshire says it can't hurt to be cautious. She takes the list with her. She also takes the sass and no-nonsense demeanor as she goes. Guess she doesn't dislike Clark anymore.
Clark keeps walking and, oh no, Lana! Run! She asks how Lex is doing. Clark says he's fine, and that it's not the first time he's been in the crosshairs. He says it in a bemused way that rubs Lana the wrong way. I think air molecules rub Lana the wrong way. She asks if they're sure Van was the shooter. "I am," Clark says, still light-hearted. Clark says he knows the dude saved her life, but he thinks that was just accidental. She calls it a "happy accident," which I'm going to take as a shout-out to the late PBS painter Bob Ross. (Maybe he was Pete's dad!) Clark says that he didn't mean it like that. Lana blah blahs about how she was gonna die, she was scared, somebody saved her, it's in the theme song if he wants it set to music. I'm barely listening. I wonder what's on FOX right now. Clark says she's been through worse. He really doesn't care anymore. Lana says it's been fine, because Clark's been there to protect her. She says she knew he wasn't coming this time. Lana says she was relieved that there were others out there like Clark. They're called "homosexuals," and they're everywhere, honey. Get used to it. Clark says that McNulty isn't like him; McNulty's a killer. Lana says it's not fair to take out her anger at everyone affected by the meteors. He says that nobody asked to be different. So he's "Nature," not "Nurture." Lana says that life would be so much better for everyone (and for her appetite for pancakes) if the meteor shower had never happened. Ouch. Clark felt that, hard.
Out in the woods somewhere, Van McNulty (say it loud!) is doing sit-ups. He's got a campfire going and is looking very military. He's got a pretty elaborate camp set up, with a table, a canopy -- everything. He's got a table with lab-looking equipment on it. He holds a piece of meteor rock and thinks about the possibilities. He sits down and puts the rock into a molten cauldron of glowing green liquid. The cauldron is set up over the fire. A very long, drawn-out scene shows him putting the green liquid into a bullet mold and making Kryptonite bullets. That's really all you need to know about it. Kryptonite bullets. Van McNulty. Two great tastes that shoot great together. The bullets look like those little root beer gummi candies, only green.
Kent Farm. Bo is baling some hay when Clark comes up, wearing a very nice white shirt that is neither flannel nor a primary color. I know it's only because we need to see blood on him later, but it still nice to see a little variety in Clark's wardrobe. Clark says he's looked everywhere but can't find Van. Maybe he's in a parking garage. It's really tough to find even a van in a really big one. Bo says that all the police are looking for him. He's pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing. "Dad, do you think I'm like Van?" Clark asks. Why, has Clark shot someone lately? Bo thinks that's a stupid question. Clark says he's met a lot of Kryptonite-affected people, and that their meetings never end with handshakes or friendship. Clark says he gave Lana a tolerance speech, but that he always assumes the worst, too. We cut to a bush-view (which is to say, a view from the bushes) of Bo and Clark. Van McNulty aims his gun. He's wearing camouflage and has the earbud on to listen to the police scanner. Bo is telling Clark that lots of normal people could have been affected. He walks right into the crosshairs. Bo speculates that Kryptonite freaks out there might be using their powers for good. Bo smiles and says he's going to get cleaned up. The hay-baling is totally not finished. Thanks, Dad. McNulty aims for Clark's heart. Clark turns and walks away. McNulty fires. The bullet comes at Clark in slow motion. It trails green. Clark looks annoyed as he raises a hand to swat it away. Instead, the bullet tears right through his palm and gets him right in the shoulder. Clark falls and screams. Bo is like, "Wuh?" and comes over. Clark is in serious pain. McNulty grins wickedly. The camera cranes up as Bo tries to cradle his son's head. Clark screams one more time. Commercials.
Back at the Kent House, it's Rural ER. MamaKent is heating up a very sharp knife on the gas stove while Bo asks how that's coming. Bo rips open Clark's shirt. Clark's got a nasty bullet hole on his shoulder, and there are black spidery veins emanating from the wound. MamaKent comes over with the knife and a bowl. "He's dying!" she cries. She says that the poison is spreading...so...fast. Pete stands outside, thinking, "Hey, everybody, tune in week to the season premiere of Petesville! I won't have special powers or anything. Hell, you won't even know I'm there. You know what? Maybe I shouldn't have my own show after all. I hope Clark doesn't die." Bo says he's going to get it out. He puts the knife right above the bullet hole. He stabs Clark. Clark goes, "Aagggggghh!" MamaKent holds his head and tells him to "hold on, baby." Bo tells him he needs to keep still. MamaKent tells Clark that Bo's gonna get it. Clark stops breathing. Bo tells MamaKent to give him something. She hands him a pair of red-handled needle-nose pliers -- the same ones we used to use to adjust the volume on our ancient TV with the fallen-off knob. Bo digs them pliers deep into Clark. Crunchy sounds. MamaKent cries. "Don't you give up on us now, son!" Bo bellows. You neither, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio! Breathe, damn you! Bo really needs to get Ed Harris in here to smack Clark back to life. "It's in there so far," Bo says sadly. Wait, Bo's got the bullet! MamaKent tells Clark to hold on, and keeps calling him "baby." Bo digs the little green bullet out of Clark. Ew. Bo holds up the bullet as mournful music plays. He puts the bullet in the bowl, and MamaKent takes it away. "Get that thing out of here," he tells her. Bo wipes his face and tells Clark to come on, already. Tense moments. Do it for the cows, Clark. Do it for the cows! The camera zooms in on the wound. The black spider legs disappear and the wound closes up. The camera pulls back as Bo waits for Clark to come back. More somber music.
Lex is watching the wireframe computer simulation of his car accident from the show's pilot. He's sitting in the dark. I'm hoping that's all he's looking at. Lex bites his thumb and considers. Close-up on the body getting hit by the car and falling into the water.
The Talon. Lana is taking the trash out into the back alley. "Lana," somebody says. It's Van McNulty! The real McNulty! He's still dressed in camo. He tells Lana he's the one who saved her. She knows, dude. She's scared. McNulty tells Lana that the roads are blocked, and he needs help escaping. Lana tells him he should turn himself in. "To the police?" he asks. No, to the Gay Mafia. Of course the police! I wish Bea Arthur were here to deliver that joke. It's sort of a Bea Arthur joke. With creepy vibes going off, McNulty tells Lana that he saved her life, and that she owes him. Lana says she knows, but that Lex didn't do anything. She says that going after innocent people isn't going to bring McNulty Senior back. He says they're not people. He says he was friends with Pasty Boy for three years and had no idea he was a mutant. He says that Lana's being fooled, too. By Clark. McNulty says he saw Clark catch a bullet with his hand, and that he's a freak. He tells her he took Clark out. Lana tearfully asks what he did. He explains about the bullets. Lana cries. "Clark is more human than you will ever be," she says scornfully. She slams a gate on him, and McNulty falls down some stairs. Lana runs. She tries to call for help. She tells the operator to send someone to the Kent Farm because someone's been murdered. There's no way McNulty could have gotten up those stairs so fast, but there he is, hanging up the phone for Lana and grabbing Lana's face. He accuses her of being a freak-lover. Lana whimpers.
Kent home. Clark is waking up. "He's coming, too!" MamaKent says. Who's the first person coming? Clark pops up like it ain't no thang. Bo asks how he's feeling. Super? Clark says he's woozy. MamaKent advises him to lie down and take it easy. Lying down and taking it easy? That sounds like a job for Superman! Clark says he needs to go find Van. Which one? Helsing? Wilder? The skateboard shoe? ["The one down by the river?" -- Wing Chun] Bo tells Clark to get some rest. Clark can't rest with McNulty out there holding a hit list. Bo and MamaKent are worried that the guy has Kryptonite bullets. Clark, shirtless, goes upstairs. He says he knows what he's up against. Somebody knocks at the door. The sheriff is there. She asks if Clark is all right. Clark's come down the stairs, looking mighty fine. She says that the rumors of Clark's death have been greatly exaggerated. She actually looks glad to see him safe. She sees the bloody shirt, hanging hygienically on the stair banister. She asks if everything is all right. Bo says it was a barbed-wire accident. Clark asks how she knew about his (ahem) death. She says that Dispatch received a call that he'd been murdered. Clark asks who would have called that in. She doesn't know, but it's annoying. They don't record their 911 calls? Sheriff Cheshire is distracted by a call on her radio. As soon as she looks up, Clark is gone.
Clark uses the sheriff's radio to tell Van that he didn't finish the job, and to meet him where he saw his dad's photo. Won't every cop in the area hear Clark's little invitation?
We cut to Van McNulty holding Lana with his arm around her neck. He shoves her into the trunk of a car. He puts his gun against her neck and says he doesn't know how Clark survived that last shot, but that he won't survive a whole clip. The trunk closes. Commercials! Why can't we just end here, with Lana in a trunk and Clark healthy and shirtless? Sigh...
Smallville High at night. Creepy music. Clark won't be bleeding again, so we see him in blue flannel. He's prowling the halls. Van McNulty appears. (Couldn't Clark have known where he was with his x-ray vision and just superspeeded at him to save Lana? I guess that would be too easy.) McNulty says he's not going to let Clark survive this time. Dastardly! He tells McNulty to let Lana go. McNulty wants to show Lana that Clark is a freakshow. Hey, that freakshow is called Smallville, holmes. McNulty throws Lana aside roughly, pushing her by the neck. Lana falls and hits her head on the floor, but doesn't go unconscious. McNulty raises his gun and aims for Clark. He fires repeatedly. Lana screams, "Claaaaaark!" from the floor. Clark takes the bullets in the chest. Why doesn't McNulty go for a head shot? Clark magically survives. McNulty and Lana are amazed. He calls Clark a freak again. Lana stands up, angry, and kicks Van in the McNulties. She roundhouse-kicks him into a trophy case. She makes it look so easy. Lana goes to Clark and asks how he survived. Clark says it's all about dressing for the occasion. He opens his shirt to reveal a bullet-proof vest, albeit one that looks a little reptilian -- green slugs are embedded in it. Lana asks what it is. It's lead. Clark rips it off and throws it aside like a cummerbund. There's that bare chest again. Lana cries at the sight of it.
Lair of Lex. Clark walks in as Lex sits at a piano, but he's not playing. Clark tells him that McNulty is in custody. Lex tells Clark he knew the kid was misguided, but he doesn't think Van McNulty is insane. Lex quotes Churchill: "Out of intense complexities, intense simplicities emerge." Deep, dude. Lex says that maybe the kid was right about him. Clark says that McNulty is a fanatic. But what about Chloe? Lex asks. Lex says he's come face-to-face with death several times without a scratch. He's getting a God complex and seems to have forgotten the many scratches he came back with from the island. Clark says that weirder things have happened. Lex says he always thought he survived the Porsche accident because of Clark, but now he's not so sure. Lex says he thinks the truth might be inside his own physiology. "Maybe I am a freak," Lex says. He's a freak-LUVAH!
Kent Farm, outside. Lana pulls up in her maroon SUV. Clark is gardening or some damn thing. Wussy music plays about being on the outside looking in. Outside of cool music looking in? Clark asks what's up. Lana, in her little pink top, says she thought they established that they didn't need a reason to visit each other. Er, you established that. Clark just nodded. Clark tells Lana that she "really kicked ass" yesterday. I reach over to try to get my cat to claw my eyes, but she runs off. Lana says that Clark still got shot. She touches his rib and says he must be pretty sore. She's warm for your form, Clark! Clark says it stings a little. Not the bullets -- Lana's evil touch. Lana says she believed Van McNulty (pray the name comes back) when he said that Clark was bulletproof. Lana said it was comforting to hear because everything made sense: the tornado, all the times he's been there, all the things she can't explain. Clark just wastes an opportunity to get it over with by saying he wishes the answer were that easy. He says he wasn't infected by the meteor rocks. Lana says that if he had been, it would be okay. Clark looks at her wistfully. He says he has to get back to work. He goes into the garden and closes the gate. Lana says she doesn't understand how Clark can walk into bullets for her but he won't share what's inside. Lana, do you know anything about men at all? Study a history book, jeez. Lana says that if Clark doesn't open up to the people who love him, he'll always be alone. She asks how he can live like that. Last I checked, Clark didn't seem alone. He's got his parents, his friends, a token black dude for a friend, a dead wolf girlfriend, a gay lover. I'd say Clark's pretty set. Clark says he may not have a choice. "You always have a choice," Lana says. Clark sighs.
At The Torch, Chloe is deleting files off her crazy "Groove Is In The Heart" computer desktop. She tries deleting files, but they all say "File locked," and don't allow it. "You hit a glitch, Miss Sullivan?" we hear someone say in a bastardous tenor. Papa Luthor squats a bit to Chloe and squints at the gorgeous green monitor. He says he has a computer technician who's familiar with her setup and may be able to help. Chloe asks herself how she could be so stupid. Papa Luthor donates the computers and sends his experts to set them up. I thought they said earlier in the episode that Van McNulty helped set up the network. Papa Luthor says he prides himself on his philanthropy. Chloe asks how he can do that to their personal computers. Papa Luthor says, quite rightly, that her "personal" computer is on loan from the LuthorCorp foundation. Sucks to be you, Chloe. "You are so low, you're subterranean," Chloe says. She tells him that Clark's file isn't on her computer. She asks if he thought she'd be that stupid. Well, she was kinda stupid about the rest of this situation. Papa Luthor says he's not just looking for dirt on Clark; he's interested in her whole body of work. He says he'd hate to see all her valuable research disappear, but that he won't allow anyone to have info on his son that can be hacked by anyone. He gets angry toward the end of that. Chloe is scared. She chokes up. She says she's sorry about what happened to Lex, and that those files weren't meant to be seen by anyone else. "I warn you," Papa Luthor begins, "if I ever catch you investigating a member of my family again, a computer glitch will be the least of your problems." Chloe really looks scared now. Papa Luthor says goodnight. Wow. He completely and totally rocks on all levels that a rock can rock.
God I hate Vertical Horizon. week: Lake Flaccid. Guest starring the music of REM. Way to go, WB.