Well, damn. Two good episodes in a row. Who expected that?
Previously on Smallville...you read the recaps.
We begin where we left off, with Bo Duke and Clark going to a father-son mid-air potato sack race, minus the potato sack. The two grapple in the air as glass falls with them. They fall and they fall while a pane of glass needlessly spins in CGI right behind them. They crash right through a dome light and into a metal building that could be the foundry from the infamous Clark's-ass-of-fire scene of last season. Sparks fly. Bo and Clark grapple like it's their back yard and they're trying to make a homemade wrestling tape. Bo pushes Clark against a column, but the column collapses and bonks Bo right on the head. Remember, Bo: With great power comes great stupidity. Bo keeps grabbing Clark by his coat, which I imagine would have been ripped to shreds unless it, too, is infused with magical space powers. Or if it's Members Only. Clark -- pinned to some metal by his adopted dad -- notes that Bo's been working out. "Jor-El and I have an understanding," Bo says. "I'm taking you home." That's either a very mob-sounding line, or a very creepy "One Night in Bangkok"-sounding line. Clark says he's nobody's bitch, and as Bo tries to grab the ring from Clark's finger, Clark pushes him across the room. Bo hits some pipes and steam rushes out. Clark -- who now appears to be wearing a zombie jacket from the "Thriller" video (now it's ripped?) -- watches as Bo emerges through the steam. With his bulky coat, he's now Bo: Beyond Thunderdome. He calls after his evil gay son. Clark responds by taking off the coat. Bo says Clark doesn't realize how dangerous he is when he's wearing the ring. "It's not the ring!" Clark says emphatically. Exactly. It's actually the tape that kills you seven days after you watch it. Clark says he was born this way. Don't hate him because he's beautiful.
Clark rushes at Bo. Bo, in slow motion, gets Clark into some sort of back-assed one-eighth-Nelson and spins him around. It would be cool if this conveyed Bo using his old football skills to propel Clark using his own momentum, but instead it looks like he's taking clumsy quarter steps to turn Clark around, lift him by his pants (mighty pants!), and wedgie Clark across the room. Clark crashes into some scaffolding and a bunch of sacks of "Target" -- whatever product that may be -- land on him. Bo goes to inspect the damage his wedgie hath wrought. Clark gets up. The back of his shirt is ripped. Clark does a Hulk Hogan and rips the rest of it off. Considering he's got superpowers, ripping off a shirt just don't impress me much. Clark turns and puffs out his scarred chest. Close-up on the "8." Bo is horrified. Choking back tears, he asks what Jor-El did to him. "He made sure I'd never forget who my real father is," Clark barks. Intensity! Clark grabs a skinny pipe and pitches it at Bo, who ducks. Clark disappears. The camera spins around Bo and then Clark enters the frame, grabbing Bo from behind. He backs Bo up against a wall. Clark raises his fist, the one with the ring. Bo tells him to do it. Go on. Beat up yer old man, you little shit. Think you could survive the Nazis? Huh? ANSWER ME! Oh wait, wrong dad. Bo says if he could raise a son who could kill, then Clark should kill. I guess that death-wish platitude works in a poetic-justice kind of way. Clark growls and punches. He hits the wall and the ring shatters. Stuff likes to shatter in Smallville. Nothing just breaks. "Did your computer crash?" "No, it blew the fuck up into a million pieces. Stupid Windows." Clark backs away. Bo's body flashes with white light, and he faints dead away like a debutante at a frat party. Clark falls to his knees, balls up his fists, clenches his chest and arm muscles, and goes, "YEAAAARRRGGGGH!" He's doing The Wrath of Kahn! The scar on Clark's chest glows, and then starts to fade away as Clark screams. Clark falls, now purty-chested again. "Dad? Dad?" Clark says as he goes to Bo. They exchange names. Good Clark is back. The credits roll.
Oh, hey, Pete's still on the show? Good to know.
In videogame and commercials news, Viewtiful Joe does kick much ass.
We come back to MamaKent staring silently at the photo of herself, Bo, and Clark. Since she stopped working for Papa Luthor, we're led to believe she no longer has outside interests or even a personality. Oh, and she lost the baby. Then she stares at the silent phone. That's her other new hobby. Right about that time, the Kent boys straggled in through the front door, arm in arm, as if they were Irish and this was pissed o'clock. Heartwarming music plays. Bo signals that it's all right for Clark to go and get babied by his momma. He does. MamaKent cries with delight. Clark apologizes, especially for the baby. She says she never blamed him. No, that was Bo. Bo gets jealous of all the attention Clark is getting and collapses. Conveniently, he collapses right on the couch. MamaKent goes to Bo and asks what happened. Clark says that whatever Jor-El did to Bo, it must have been too much for his body to handle. Plus when you factor in that tab of Ecstasy and dancing for four hours to New Order...oh, wait, that was a different adventure. Bo says what's important is that Clark is back. Because nobody wanted to watch Petesville.
More heartwarming music leading to the heartwarming title card "Special Guest Star RUTGER HAUER." Awwww. That is kind of sweet. We hit the Metropolis skyline, which looks nothing at night like it did during the day. The camera comes around to reveal Papa Luthor, looking out at the night to a police tape strip. Wuh? Papa Luthor is rubbing his nose and looks like he may be crying. A voice says that Abraham threw his son on the pyre to prove his faith in God. "What was your excuse?" Lex says, as he emerges from the shadows of the huge balcony. He's wearing Eminem's hoodie from 8 Mile. I want to do a whole extended 8 Mile rap sequence here about Lex, but the joke's been done, done, done. "Lex!" Papa Luthor says with what seems like genuine surprise. "Son!" Papa Luthor walks over to do some sort of evil hug, but he gets stopped when Lex whips out a pistol on him. Lex asks if Papa Luthor is disappointed that Lex isn't basking in the fires of Hell. Papa Luthor shakily tells him to put the gun down. He asks why he would murder his own flesh and blood. Lex hesitates. Papa Luthor says that Lex isn't himself. Au contraire, mon bastarde. Lex is his real sexy bad-ass self. Lex raises his voice: "What the hell did you do with [Dr. Dropkick]?" Papa gets back his slick voice and says she's living comfortably in Lex's mansion; why not ask her? Why didn't Lex go home first? Lex -- who is still scarred up about the face -- says, "She's alive?" in surprise. Lex, you gotta do some research before you go capping people. Didn't you see Darkman? Papa Luthor says that Dr. Dropkick has been telling some very interesting stories about what happened.
We flash white to a fantasy sequence where the plane is going down, there's one parachute left, and Lex gives it to Dropkick. She says, "I'm not going without you!" but Lex forces the parachute on her. He says he loves her, kisses her, and throws her ass out of the plane.
Back to Papa Luthor, who says that the story would make any father proud. He says he has a feeling that's not what really happened, adding that he warned Lex not to trust Dr. Dropkick. Lex gets pissed and throws some stuff around. He shakes the gun and says that Papa Luthor had his name carved into a tombstone. So Lex knows that, but not what his wife's public story was or that she's even alive? Um.... Papa says that he sent search parties to scour half the world. "Looks like you picked the wrong half," Lex says, with intensity. Papa Luthor still has his hands up. He asks what he'd have to gain from Lex's death. Lex doesn't really have an answer for that. Papa says that Dropkick just became one of the richest women in the world. Lex says she never cared about the money. "Oh but she did, Lex," Papa says in a fierce whisper. Papa tells Lex to ask Dropkick what she did with the vial of blood after Lex returned it to her. Whoa, that kinda came out of nowhere. Lex looks confused.
Quick cut to the Caves Where Season Two Started To Suck. Clark turns and says, "Dad, I just don't get it." Maybe that's because you kept turning it down at the club in Metropolis. Clark asks why Jor-El (Terence Stamp noticeably missing in this episode) would help Bo bring his son back when Jor-El wanted Clark to leave in the first place. Bo looks guilty. "You outraged the cows, didn't you!?" Clark demands. Or, rather, "You made a deal with him, didn't you!?" Bo did do the second thing. Bo says that at least Clark has his life back. Flannel, tractors, chores, and a passive-aggressive girlfriend. Thanks, Dad. Clark is glad, for some reason. Clark comments on how being evil was cool because he didn't have to worry about stuff. Bo says that with Clark in town, they can at least face things as a family. Bo pulls out the metal box he stole from Papa Luthor's office. Wow, that must have been uncomfortable in his pocket. Clark explains where he got it, and about The Edge. They open the box. Clark's eyes widen. It's the blood sample. Dramatic music plays.
Cut to the outside of the barn, so we can cut right back inside. Like a third-grade science fair experiment, Bo holds a chunk of meteor rock he was storing in a box (just in case Clark won't feed the cows or bale the hay someday) and holds it to the vial. The rock glows green and the blood in the vial begins to bubble. That just gave me a great idea: hot gazpacho! Bo tells Clark, who is several feet away up in the loft, that it is indeed Clark's blood. "Do you think Lionel knows?" Clark asks, making me think I'm watching a daytime soap all of a sudden. Bo says that Dr. Dropkick never labeled it before it was stolen from her office. Clark asks why Papa Luthor would want his blood. Couldn't he just settle for the inside of his pants, like Lex? Bo throws the vial across the barn, and it shatters. That was...not very bright. Bo says it doesn't matter now. Obviously. Clark wonders what Papa Luthor knows about him. Bo says they've managed to stay one step ahead of Papa Luthor (they have?), but that, for now, Clark should focus on those closer to home. Wait...you don't think he means...that can't be....
Oh good, not a Lana scene yet. Papa Luthor has made a drink with an orange top and a red bottom. It's been poured with some ice into a tiny, ornate Scotch glass. I have no idea what this drink is. The Edge is having a drink with our favorite bastard, and asks what that drink is. Papa Luthor says it's a "Suicide," which doesn't sound right. Isn't that when you mix all the sodas at the drink station? Papa says it's their old special. I'm amazed The Edge would forget that. Papa says he hopes Edge's tastes haven't changed. Edge gets philosophical: nothing ever changes, even in a designer suit or a penthouse office. Papa Luthor says it's sad that the same thing can't be said about friendship. Edge nods. That's all these guys have to talk about? Papa Luthor hands over an envelope and congratulates Edge for having a creative inside contact. According to an 8 x 10, Edge bought off Dr. Dropkick. Edge smiles while Papa Luthor guesses the scenario: Edge was trying to steal the vial to sell it back to Papa Luthor. The Edge asks what Papa's gonna do: accuse him of breaking and entering? Papa Luthor says he could have The Edge put away for murder, which has no statute of limitations. You could have The Edge thrown in prison for singing "Van Diemen's Land," but not this Edge. These guys are sitting really close on that couch. Papa Luthor says that Edge has twenty-four hours to get the vial back. The Edge bobs his head around. He went from being The Edge to being The Bitch.
Oh no, the Lana scene! They faked me out. Lana is obsessively arranging muffins in a pastry display case when she spots Clark walking in to The Talon. She instinctively turns her back to Clark. He says, "Hi." "'Hi'?" Lana repeats, full of disgust, "I don't even know what to say to that, Clark." How about you say "Hi" back, and then you shut your mouth and listen? I'm sure that was just an opener. Clark says he's sorry for the way he acted in Metropolis. He says he messed things up. Lana rolls her eyes and turns to him. She told herself it wasn't Clark, but when she looked back, she realized she doesn't know who Clark is. And she suspects he's a dick. She brings up Clark's frequent warnings about his deep dark secrets. She says she didn't want to believe it. So it's all your fault then, Lana? You sure aren't acting like it. Clark says he was protecting her. Lana says that's what she can't figure out: the only person who keeps hurting her is Clark. Oh, I'm sure there'll be a few stalkers this season to come hurt you, too. Lana sighs. She asks if Clark even missed her. Clark gulps. "I missed you every second," he says. Oh, that's just cowshit! You mean those seconds you picked up the girl at the Lamborghini dealership? When you were robbing ATM machines? Those were all moments of Lana love? Pull the other leg. Clark says he can't keep doing this to Lana. "Then don't," she says. Clark says he's not sure he's going to stay. Lana's eyes well up with tears. She tells Clark to let her know when he decides. She walks to the back room. The swinging door reveals her doing her pouty cry. It swings again to show us more crying. And in case we didn't get the point that Lana is crying, the door swings a third time. Yep. Still crying. Clark is like, "Damn, that door hinge sure is well lubricated."
The bubbling fountain outside the Lair of Lex. Inside, Dr. Dropkick -- wearing some sort of neutral-colored long coat that would make her look like she was in The Matrix if it were black -- puts down a key and a purse on a table in Lex's office. She turns on a desk lamp. There are footsteps behind her, but she must be deaf and not hear them. She only reacts when Lex, now in plain view, speaks. "Home sweet home," he says. She gasps and turns to him. Dropkick hugs Lex and thanks God. "Trust me, I've done that already," he says. He notes that the Big One Upstairs is the only person who's been on his side this whole time. She asks how, why, where? Lex says that a small fishing boat spotted the smoke from Lex's fire. You mean the fishing boat that had a captain? She says she never gave up hope. Lex says it was nice of her to make him sound like a hero. Her eyes are moist, her lips are moist; most of her face is moist. If she were one of Donald Duck's nephews, she'd be Dewey. She says she shouldn't have lied to everyone. She explains in voice-over/flashback that what really happened was that she woke up and found the pilot parachuting from the plane. She tried to wake Lex, but he'd had a whole glass of druggy champagne and wouldn't wake up. She went cowardly and saved herself with the last parachute. She explains that, in a situation like that, you can't count on your own bravery, and her survival instincts kicked in. Lex says she really is a Luthor now. "You don't believe me?" she asks. Lex says he knows she worked for Papa Luthor. He knows that she sold his dad the blood. Dropkick says that Papa Luthor promised to leave her and Lex alone if she gave up the blood. "He's playing us against each other," she says. Lex says that they do that just fine on their own. She offers to get out of Lex's life if he wants the marriage annulled. She stops on her way out to tell him that she does love him. Lex gulps. His esophagus is still on island time.
A sign where the "Kent Farm" sign usually hangs: "R.J. Holstein & Sons -- Auctioneers FORECLOSURE AUCTION." Get your hoes, hoes, hoes! A big truck with a "Smallville Movers" logo passes under the sign. Clark is driving the truck. He pulls up to the barn and spots a very expensive-looking sedan parked outside. Clark gets out and goes to the car, which contains a newspaper-reading The Edge in the back seat. Edge says this is the last place he expected Clark to show up. Clark asks how Edge found him. Maybe the phone book? "Where's my package?" Edge asks. His head can barely fit through the window. Clark says he doesn't have it. Edge asks whether the cops might want to know where Clark's living. Yes, those incompetent police with their phone books and arrest records. How will they ever find Clark Kent? Clark leans in and yells, "I don't think you heard me!" He rips the damn car door off and tosses it aside. Angry Clark! Clark mad! Clark pulls The Edge out of the car, twirls him around, and pushes him against the, um, edge of the car. Clark yells that the package is gone. He says that Papa Luthor doesn't know who took it, so Edge should forget about it. One of the two henchmen from last week -- the suave black dude, not the bloated blond one -- pulls a gun on Clark. The Edge pushes the gun away with his free hand. Clark fixes Edge's lapels and helpfully suggests that he "take [his] sorry ass down the road back to Metropolis." I may make fun of his head, but belittling an old man's ass...that's just wrong. Clark says he doesn't want to see Edge in town again. Ever. Edge and his henchmen get back in their car while Clark smiles, wickedly. No ring necessary.
Poppy music plays outside Smallville High, where the weather is always a cool, jacket-necessitating Vancouver. Inside, a mock-up of the Smallville High Torch is held up, showing a sports headline. Guess there hasn't been a lot of Kryptonite freak action going on lately. Clark appears in the doorway through the see-through proof. Chloe -- whose hair has gone from Jonathan Lipnicki back to its original flippy glory -- looks at Clark with disdain. She says that Clark is far from his new hood. Clark thanks Chloe. Clark says it's one of those days, and that she can never be sure if Clark is going to walk in with an apology or an accusation. Clark declares to Chloe -- who's wearing one of her "artsy" shirts -- that she had no reason to stick by him, but that she did it anyway. Chloe says simply that friendship works like that. She asks if he's talked to Lana yet. Clark sits down heavily and says he tried. Chloe asks if, after two years of "Lana lusting," that's the best he can do. "You're not staying. Are you?" Chloe suddenly guesses. Clark says he's not sure yet. Chloe advises him not to keep running away, and to put off facing his demons. So let me get this straight: she's not spying for Papa Luthor anymore? Because if not, that was a great subplot that went completely wasted.
Kent Farm. Clark is bringing a big-ass bamboo chair outside. I expect to see Kirstie Alley pop out of the bushes and try to steal it away for a Pier 1 commercial. Clark puts the chair and a box in the moving truck. "Am I too early for the farm auction?" a voice says. It's Lex, and he's got a fever for the flavor of some Clark. "Lex?" Clark asks. The following is not embellished: "Three months on a deserted island was almost worth it to see the look on your face right now." Love! Clark lets out a little sharp breath; his eyes go googly, and he rushes forward to get him some of that. It's the Gayest Look/Embrace of the episode. There's even a grunt. "Aw, man!" Clark moans. Much patting of the backs. In a very butch voice meant to counteract all this, Clark says, "Aw, Lex, we thought you died!" Lex says that fate has bigger plans for him. So does Clark. Lex asks about the farm, and whether there's anything he can do. "No, Lex, you know my dad," says Clark. Besides, Clark's ass is already being pimped out for Jor-El's evil schemes. Clark says it's good to see Lex. It always has been. Clark asks what happened. Lex says he found an enemy in the most remote solitude. Lex talks about the malaria, and about finding the beast within. "Lex, I...I guess we all got to take a look at our dark side sooner or later," Clark says. Lex turns and says that if you stare at it long enough, it's tough to tell the two sides apart. I feel exactly the same way about nearly every football game shown on TV.
The Talon. The marquee outside says, "Sonnet Saturdays -- Free Pick Up Line With Purchase." Oh, this again. Chloe comes in and greets table-waiting Lana. "Hey!" "'Hey'?" Lana doesn't even know how to respond to that. Just everybody forget about greeting Lana at all in the future. "What's up!" "'What's up'? I don't even know how to respond to that." "Hey, Lana, how's it hanging?" "'How's it hanging'? I don't even know what side you want me to hang on." Lana makes a meany face and walks away. Chloe says that Lana can't keep avoiding her. Lana says that she had to work last the night before and had errands to run that morning. "At 5:30 in the morning?" Chloe asks. It's called passive-aggressive, Chloe. You haven't figured her out yet? Lana agrees to cut the pretenses and says that Chloe lied to her about Clark. "Something we have in common, then," Chloe says smugly. Lana says she's apologized a hundred times for not telling Chloe about their relationship. Chloe says she's sorry, and that they should call it even. Not so fast, Sullivan. You'll need to apologize ninety-nine more times to make it up to her. Lana requires it like priests need you to do the "Hail Mary"s and "Our Father"s. Lana says that this is so much bigger than her. You lie. Nothing is bigger than Lana. She asks how Chloe could keep everyone so worried. Chloe says that the more she tried to help Clark, the more he pulled away. She says he wasn't the "charming flannel king" we know and love. They agree that he was a "different person." Chloe says Clark has "more issues than Rolling Stone." I'm quite sure I've told a variation of that joke here in the past, as have many of my fellow recappers. I guess it's just one of those good old chestnuts. Have you ever noticed how rarely Lana is amused by Chloe? Chloe admits that she was wrong, but she admits that it felt good to be the one Clark confided in again. Except she's the one he's confided in the least on this show. Lana says that Clark's always been more comfortable talking to Chloe. "That's because he's not in love with me," Chloe says. Ouch.
Lair of Lex, daytime. Dropkick has her stuff packed in very expensive Louis Vuitton bags. She says she's going away to think things over and give Lex space. Lex stops her and says he's had more than enough space the last few months. Especially since the whole Lewis thing just turned out to be a gay fantasia. Lex says he wants to share his space with someone and give the honeymoon a second shot. Dropkick says that Lex doesn't let go of things. Lex counters that they understand each other in the beautiful way that attempted murder can bring a couple together. Lex says they've both done their share of maneuvering, although truth be told, she could stand to maneuver a little more in the bedroom. You've heard of the phrase "cold fish in bed," right? Lex says that all this double-crossing just means they're perfect for each other. Of course it does. Dropkick smiles and says she wants to be with Lex. She says that Lex's dad will never leave them alone. Lex says he has a feeling Papa Luthor won't be interfering in their lives anymore. Something must have been cut from the script, because right about here would be a scene where Papa Luthor is tied to a chair and Lex is torturing him or some other thing to go with that last line.
Instead, we incongruously go to Clark entering the barn, calling out for the folks and finding The Edge there instead. Clark gets mad. Edge steps back to reveal MamaKent tied to a support pole. Bo is opposite her, a little ways away, on his knees, a gun to his neck. Edge says that Clark is quick, but that he can't save both of them. Clark says that he doesn't have what Edge is looking for. Puffy Henchman cocks his gun. That vial throw is looking pretty smart right now, huh Bo? Bo gets pistol-whipped just as I'm thinking that. Clark tells Edge to stop. He goes to the workbench/toolbox. He opens up a mason jar, and removes the meteor rock from its lead box. Clark rolls up a sleeve and uses the rock to cut a slit in his arm, Clark huffs and puffs and winces. Come on, Clark, thirteen-year-old girls do this all the time. Don't be such a wuss. Maybe if you put on a Cure album, you'd have an easier time. Clark drains some blood into the Mason jar, and then falls to the ground. "Clark!" MamaKent calls. Bo is thinking, "My son, the idiot." Couldn't Clark have done this in private so that they wouldn't learn what his vulnerability is? The Edge takes the Mason jar and asks, "What the hell is this?" Clark says that's what Edge is looking for. "It better be," says Big Head Edge. He takes his jar and goes. Clark writhes. We go to commercials.
Filmin' on the dock of the bay. We're on a dock in Metropolis, and I get unpleasant flashbacks to Mystic River, a turgid poop of a movie I saw last night. Don't listen to the critics. If you've seen two episodes of Homicide, you've seen it done better. On the dock, a sleek black town car pulls up. Papa Luthor gets out of the back seat and takes in that nasty air. He says it's remarkable how the smell of creosote and algae can take you back thirty years. I love that bastard. The Edge, standing by his own car, says that there are a lot of memories buried here. Papa Luthor agrees. Edge hands Papa Luthor a paper sack. What, he couldn't afford an attaché case? Papa Luthor pulls out the Mason jar. "Intriguing presentation," he says. Edge says that the packaging isn't important. Papa notes that trust has never had anything to do with their friendship. Papa takes the blood to his car, and the window rolls down to reveal a severe-looking Asian woman in a white coat. I could be totally wrong here, but isn't she the woman Lex took to Lana's Sweet Sixteen birthday bash? Fine, I'm racist, whatever. It's not like there's a flood of minority actors on the show. The woman drops a bit of blood into what looks like a DJ console. "It's identical," she says, after .5 seconds. Great technology, that. "Excellent," Papa Luthor says. Smithers! Release the hounds. The Edge asks about the blood. Is it some kind of liquid gold? Edge asks what the source of it would be worth. Papa Luthor says that the source is a mystery to him. Papa Luthor says that his source became uncooperative. Papa Luthor gets into his car. Edge taps on the window. He says it's not the sample he stole, and that he got the blood straight from the source. Papa Luthor grins like a shark.
Back at the barn, the thugs tie the glowing meteor rock to the middle of Clark's chest and secure it with duct tape. Bo watches in a chair. It's nice that they let him sit. Bo suddenly leans forward, smashes the chair, and breaks free. Unfortunately, he gets kicked in the head. Sorry, Bo. Your superpowers were temporary. A phone rings. Puffy Thug answers it. The Edge wants the thugs to bring Clark to him. MamaKent purses her lips at them, but it does no good. They drag Clark outside and throw him into the moving truck. Just as they're leaving, Lana pulls up in a red Liberty SUV. When did she get a car? "Do you know where the Kents are?" she asks the henchman-looking guy with the big, ugly tattoo. She should have spent more time getting jaded in Metropolis.
Ha ha! Lana's at gunpoint. MamaKent calls her name sympathetically. Mostly, MamaKent just says people's names these days. But wait! It's Ass-Kicking Lana time! She stomps on the foot of a henchman, elbows him in the face, and runs. MamaKent trips the guy as he chases after Lana. He turns and aims at MamaKent with his gun. Her mouth goes, "OOOO!" Lana hits the henchman with a shovel. Well, that was easy. Why are people so afraid of guns anyway? Lana dives for it, and the two struggle with it. Lana kicks the guy in the midsection and swings him away. Lana aims the gun like she's Young Demi Moore in Charlie's Angels 2. But it's not necessary. Suave Black Henchman has been impaled by a pitchfork that happened to have its blades sticking straight out horizontally. Oops. You got sporked. Lana is sad and traumatized, but around these parts, we just call that "Wednesday."
A sleek white jet streaks across the sky. Inside, Lex and Dropkick are toasting to "a second chance." Why either of them would get on a plane with the other ever again, I have no idea. Lex puts his drink down without having any. "You're not drinking?" Dropkick asks, surprised. Lex says that he lost his taste for champagne. That's why he poured himself a glass. He asks if she slept well the night before. She says she had her first full night of sleep since the accident. Lex says he's glad, because he'd hate for her to doze off. Lex jokes that she might wake up to find him gone. "Lex, it's not funny," Dropkick says. Lex goes mock-serious: "Guess you had to be there," he says playfully. Hee.
Lex says he's going to have a drink. Dropkick starts to get suspicious, and asks what's going on. Lex pours himself some dark alcohol and says that when she forgave him for stealing the blood sample, well, buddy, no rational person would have done that. Then again, with this show, you never can tell who is and isn't being rational on purpose. Dropkick says she did it because she loves him. She asks whether Lex still thinks she tried to kill him. "Why can't you see what's right in front of your eyes?" she asks. She says it was Papa Luthor's plane, and that he's always been threatened by Lex. Lex says she's right. But what he hasn't been able to stop thinking is: If Papa Luthor wanted Lex dead, he wouldn't have failed. Dropkick goes medical on his ass. She says he's experiencing delusions from the malaria. Lex says he was delusional before the malaria. He's pieced together the truth, which we see in that favorite combo, flashback and voice-over. (Upsize to a value meal with a drink!) As we see Lex and Dropkick get into the plane in flashback, Lex says that Dropkick had Papa Luthor's pilot killed and brought on her own. Lex says they touched down on a small island while he was asleep, and then she paid the pilot to take Lex back up in the air and crash the plane. Lex says that the pilot got an ugly surprise when he tried to open his chute.
We come back to Lex, who says he prefers Dropkick's version of events. "Lex, you're scaring me," she says. Lex counters that the area where they crashed was unreachable with the amount of gas they had in the plane. Lex says he checked the charts, and she touched down in St. Croix at 7:59 that night. Lex has suddenly turned into Angela Lansbury, but cuter. Dropkick drops the façade and asks what the most twisted part of this whole thing is. She answers her own question: she says the reason Lex didn't get a bullet in his head that day was because she really did fall in love with him. Huh? I mean, WHAT? Why not not kill him at all and still be the richest wife in the world? Logic, thy name is not Smallville. Whatever. She pulls a gun out of her purse and says she learns from her mistakes. Lex somehow didn't see that coming. A tear rolls down Dropkick's cheek. "Go ahead," Lex says. "I've become quite adept at cheating death." He moves forward toward the gun. She doesn't shoot. Dropkick backs away. Lex says he has no doubt he'll rise from the ashes again. Ooh, nice indirect episode title shout-out. Lex grabs at the gun, and the two of them struggle. The gun goes off. We cut to the cabin, where the pilot just got a bullet in the heart. Of course. Lex grabs the gun off the ground. A pillow falls on Dropkick. Lex goes to the cockpit (I love writing that line) and gets in the co-pilot chair. He pulls the plane back up. Lex turns back and Dropkick is gone. A cabin door is open. We didn't see her grab a parachute. After all this drama, we need a commercial.
Back in Docksville, Metropolis, Clark -- in the back of the moving truck -- manages to kick a cardboard box hard enough to knock it over. A picture frame shatters. Clark grabs a piece of glass and cuts the duct tape holding his hands together. Outside on the dock, Papa Luthor and The Edge watch as the vehicle arrives. Inside the truck, Clark takes the tape off his chest (luckily, he's got no chest hair) and tosses away the Kryptonite. As they wait, Papa Luthor says that he hates mysteries. Edge says he'll like this one. The truck stops. Papa Luthor and Puffy Thug approach. Clark spots a propane tank and uses his Eyejaculate vision. The tank blows up. Outside, Papa Luthor and Puffy Thug go flying. Between the two of them, there should at least be a three-alarm hair fire. An assistant helps get Papa Luthor up as he yells, "You set me up!" to a flummoxed The Edge, who yells that he doesn't know what happened. Papa Luthor doesn't believe him. Everybody pulls out guns. It's a Canadian Standoff. ["It's like a Mexican standoff, but with bacon." -- Wing Chun] Puffy Thug gets shot. Good. I never liked him. The Edge gets shot. He falls into the drink. Papa Luthor is ushered away and into his town car, all the while trying to figure out what happened to The Edge. We focus on the area where Edge fell into the water. Instead, Clark emerges, his shirt in tatters. Clark must have a really good bulk flannel supplier.
Lair of Lex. Lex walks in as opera music plays. He's wearing the same shirt he was on the plane, but he looks very exhausted and dirty. Lex takes off his wedding ring as he walks into the room. "Well done, Lex," says a bastardous voice. Man, that guy is everywhere! Magnificently! Lex slips the ring into his pocket without turning. "That was a Machiavellian maneuver worthy of a Luthor," says Papa. Lex says he appreciates it, but doesn't know what Papa Luthor is talking about. Papa Luthor asks whether Lex really thinks Papa Luthor would neglect to put surveillance on his planes. He holds up what looks like the DVD director's cut of Lex's latest adventure. Papa Luthor asks if they should send out a search party for Dropkick. Lex says he has someone on it, but doubts that anyone will find her until she wants them to. She's wily, that black widow. Papa Luthor says he never imagined Lex would fall in love with Dropkick. Papa Luthor says he's sorry it happened, but that Lex shouldn't be too hard on himself. "You know the sick thing?" Lex asks. The way people in this episode keep asking what the sick or twisted thing is? Lex says he knew that, of all people, Papa would understand. Papa Luthor says he does. He talks about survival: it's what's for dinner. Lex says he knows that now. Lex says that if he'd been anybody else's son, he'd have died on the island. He says that all the tests Papa Luthor put him through made him a survivor. Well, Papa Luthor and Mark Burnett. Papa Luthor looks touched. Lex says that if he keeps his pride in check, he knows there's more to learn from his father. He says he's hoping the offer to run LuthorCorp together still stands. Evil! It's evil! Lex extends his hand. "I, um..." Papa Luthor begins. He says he doesn't want Lex to make a hasty decision. Lex stops him. He says he's learned to trust his instincts. Papa swells with pride. They shake hands. Papa puts another hand on top of it. He says it's good to have Lex back. "Son," Papa says. Lex moves forward. The two share an awkward but revelatory hug. Lex closes his eyes in filial bliss. Papa Luthor keeps his eyes open, lest he get stabbed in the back.
Kent Farm. The packing continues. Clark comes downstairs as Bo bitches about leaving the farm; Clark says it's not the place that makes it a home. MamaKent asks if Clark is coming with them. He says he called the police in Metropolis and told them where the money he stole is. Even the money he bought the car with? And the money for his apartment? Boy, that must have taken some creative accounting. Clark says you can't run away from your problems when the real problem is in your blood. I expect to see Clark on the cover of Out magazine with the headline, "Living with It" month. Bo tells Clark not to be so hard on himself.
Just then, Lex comes in. Clark says that Lex missed the garage sale, but that they have lots of macramé plant holders left. Lex is amused. He says he's doing some of his own purging at the mansion. How do you think he stays looking so fit? Lex pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Bo. "You bought our farm?" asks MamaKent of Exposition Lane. Lex says he put the Kents' name in the deed. Bo says that they can't accept this. Lex explains that after the plane went down, Lex found the compass Bo gave him -- his wedding present -- and it guided him to safe harbor. Wait, you mean the safe harbor of the desert island? He had a nautical map to go with that compass? Lex has pulled out the compass; it looks pretty beat up. He says that the least he can do is help them keep the farm. Bo loves his live gay son's gay friend. He says they'll find a way to pay Lex back. Lex says he's not worried about that but adds, "If it's not too presumptuous, I hope you'll just consider me part of the family." Clark goes "Whoop!" inside and smiles. I give a cheer for this stunning turn of events. Bo beams some more with real, home-grown pride.
Outside, Clark is hanging up the Kent Farm sign. He sees Lana ride up on her horse. She's not wearing pink. Clark steps down from the ladder and says hi. She doesn't bite his head off for using the word "hi" this time. Lana says she's glad the Kents are getting a second chance with the farm. Clark says he'll be earning every cent of his allowance this year. Lana smiles: "So you're staying?" Clark says he wants to put the stuff from Metropolis behind him. It's a new TV season, ya know. Lana says she's hoping they can put everything else behind them, too. Clark moves forward. Lana says that there are things Clark tries to shield her from, but that he doesn't have to protect her. She takes his hand. "Whatever it is, I can handle it," she says. She tells Clark she really wants to know him. Clark pulls his hand away. He says that the way she looked at him in Metropolis was disgusted. And he doesn't want to get that look again. And what's with all the pink? And could you think of somebody but yourself for once? And where the hell is Nell? And could you give Chloe a break? Oh, and about that thing you do when you whisper all your dialogue? You know, really, this breakup was inevitable. Lana says she wasn't disgusted -- just confused. Congusted. Um, disfused. Lana says that Clark wasn't himself. Oh, that's where you're wrong, cipher girl. Clark says that he chose to let that part out, and that it's always gong to be there. He says that Lana doesn't want to know that part of him. Lana says that's her decision to make. Well, really, it's not, because you're getting...DISMISSED! Clark says he's sorry. He wanted this so much and tried to be the right guy for Lana. But he's not. "This will never work," he says. Dido, singing in the background, agrees. Except she sings about not giving up, and that's exactly what Clark is doing. "You never had to try," Lana says as she gets up on her horse. She rides her pink ass out on the horse she rode in on. In my house, loud cheers echo. What a nice turn of events.