, on an all-new Smallville: Ass-kicking! Lana, like you've never seen her before. (Will she be acting?) And now...
The Talon. (Exterior shot with an American flag hanging to the marquee. I mean, what's more American than an old theater converted into a house of cappuccino?) Inside, some good buddies are taking a silver flask to their brightly colored cups of coffee. They've having a grand old time of it, like they're fifteen. Lana, with her stern eyebrow look, tells the guys that the coffee at The Talon is strictly "non-Irish." No Bailey's for you! Token minority frat guy tells Lana to loosen up. Frat-letter-Sweater-Wearing Guy waves his flask at Lana and invites her to have a drink. If Lana ever actually drank alcohol, the world might collapse. Lana doesn't like tomfoolery. She tells the boys to take it outside. That stops the lead frat guy, who looks like he's about forty years old. Lana says that they're closing anyway. As Lana walks away, the frat dudes make "Oooh" noises to each other.
At another table, Dr. Dropkick is sitting alone, wearing a smart light blue blazer. Lana asks if she can get Dropkick anything else. "Just a boyfriend who can keep a date," Dropkick says. Lana says Dropkick's talking to the wrong person. They have a wholly forced laugh at that. Meanwhile, some guy in a suit with a perfectly square head looks over his newspaper to give Dropkick the Smooth Eyes. Dropkick notices the stare. The front of the tabloid he's reading says something about alien danger. Lana notices that the frat guys are having a little too much fun. Dropkick looks back at Square Head Guy, but he's gone. She tells Lana she thought she saw someone she knew. Dropkick excuses herself and leaves. More forced giggles.
After Dropkick leaves, we hear one of the frat guys go, "Go get her." The lead frat guy -- who will be cashing his Social Security check after this scene is over -- comes to try to bust a move on Lana. He's much more likely to bust a hip. "We heard this place had the friendliest service in town," Fratty Oldman says in an oily way. "Just leave," says Lana, as Fratty and his buds corner her against the swinging kitchen door. Lana looks past Fratty, and the front door looks really far away. She pushes a panic button conveniently right to her finger. "Hey!" Fratty says. This wasn't part of the gang-rape plan! He grabs Lana by the arms and swings her against a heavy-looking set of shelves. Blue tinted glassware and orange cups fall all over the place. Lana hits the ground, but doesn't get cut on any of the glass. The other frat boys stick out their chins with brotherly pride. Fratty Oldman puts his hand on Lana's chin and suggests that they take this into the back. "Stop! Get away from her!" we hear. It's Clark, who is suddenly inside the coffeehouse without anyone's having noticed his entrance. Fratty Oldman gets up, wondering who this young whippersnapper of about twenty-eight years could be. "Isn't it past your bedtime?" Fratty asks. Oh, that's funny. None of these guys would get IDed at a bar. Clark says that the police are on their way. Lana looks up at everyone from the floor instead of picking herself up. "Come on. Let's go," Fratty tells his comrades. The guy with the frat letters appears to be wearing the letters "Orgy Omega Ass." Clark bends down to check on Lana. She says she's fine, but she's near tears.
We go to the back alley, because the frat dudes couldn't figure out how to get to the front door. "Did you see the stupid look on her face?" asks Fratty Oldman. Clark is suddenly right in front of Fratty, blocking his path. "Check out Speedy Gonzalez," says Fratty. Clark warns Fratty that he doesn't ever want to see these guys at The Talon again. "Listen, John Boy," Fratty Oldman says. Even his pop-culture references are from before my time! Fratty pushes his out-of-shape luck. He says they'll do what they want, and in fact, they're going to come back tomorrow. Clark dramatically walks past Fratty and says he won't warn them again. "Oh, I get it," Fratty says. "You've got the hots for that bitch manager. It's too bad she's a real dirty slut." Heavens me! Merciful heavens! Virgin ears here! Clark loses it. He bares his teeth and pushes Fratty down on the ground. One of the junior frat guys takes a swing, and in one move, Clark throws them both against a convenient chain-link fence. This is like Clark's personal batting cage. Fratty stands up, grinning. "All right. Wanna try it on, Farmboy?" "Try it on"? Did he just make a pass at Clark? "Let's see what you're made of," he continues. This guy's an awful taunter. He tries to punch Clark. Clark grabs his fist and twists. He grabs Fratty by the shirt and says, "Get your coffee somewhere else." But The Talon has the town's best cappuccino! It says right there on the marquee! He's going to have to special order some Starbucks or -- whups! Clark throws the guy thirty feet. Unfortunately for Clark, Fratty lands on and breaks the windshield of a stopping police car. Oh damn. Out steps perhaps the scariest woman in the history of The WB. (And yes, I'm counting Shannen Doherty.) It's Marge Gunderson, the new sheriff! (Or as a clever person on the forums called her, Frances McDornot.) Clark tries to run the other way, but Lana's standing right there, giving him a taste of his own suddenly-appearing-out-of-nowhere medicine. Marge rushes up to Clark and points a gun at him. "On your knees," she says. Like Clark hasn't heard that one before. Marge yells for Clark to put his hands behind his head. Now! Marge looks just like an angry white cat. Close-up on Clark looking slightly bemused. Lana is hellashocked.
Opening credits. How far we've come from that pilot episode. Wait, no we haven't! We're still practically at square one! How depressing.
Commercials. The Real Cancun. When you absolutely have to pay money to have your intelligence insulted.
Marge! Inside The Talon, Marge Gunderson is writing something in a prop police notepad that looks like it's made of painted cardboard and construction paper. She's also got a pretty big hat on. "So you're the new sheriff in town," Clark says, trying to make conversation. "You writin' a book, Mr. Kent?" she snaps. Clark is like, damn! Shit! He looks at Lana. She is similarly "damn!" Marge tells Clark to keep the chitter-chatter to himself. And no horseplay! We had enough of that last week. Marge snaps her notepad shut and tells Clark that "flyin' boys" aren't something you see every day. Marge takes off her hat and brings her stretched cat face closer to Clark. She says the frat boys told her that Clark attacked them. It was three on one! How does she think that's true? Clark says that's crazy. Marge brings up a good point: why are the paramedics taking care of the fratties, but Clark doesn't have a scratch on him? Marge asks Lana what she saw. Marge sucks on a spoon and then takes a sip from a yellow cappuccino cup. Lana says she saw nothing. "You're lyin', ya know..." Marge hisses. I just want to feed her Meow Mix and clean her litter. "You said you made a good cappuccino," Marge says, further heightening the weird-ass dramatic tension. Lana looks hurt. "This is a great cappuccino," Marge trills. Lana smiles. Clark tries to escape, but Marge stops him. "We are just gettin' started," She says. Scaryface! This lady is so harshing Clark's hero buzz.
Kent home. MamaKent and Bo are trying to convince Sheriff KittyMeow that Clark wouldn't hurt anyone deliberately. Marge is just really pissed about her cruiser, I think. Marge says that she ran Clark's name in the police computer and found that he's been at "more crime scenes than Eliot Ness." She's the Continuity Police! MamaKent says that Clark's just trying to help people. Marge thinks Clark may have a hero complex. Clark is anything but complex, lady. Marge says that heroes gotta play by the rules, too, and that she's charging Clark with misdemeanor battery. He'll have to give the town three AA Duracells if he wants to go free. She says it could be a $1,500 fine. Clark stands up and says that his family can't afford that. Bo tells Clark to sit down. That reminds me of when I was in high school overseas and I got into huge trouble for taking part in an underground newspaper. We met with the principal, and after having talked to the Student Press Law Center, I started to blab about our rights and how we were protected by parody law and my dad told me to just shut the hell up. Marge offers Clark community service in exchange for dropping the charges. She says that Clark can keep the world safe from roadside litter. Heh. Bo starts to argue with that instead of shutting up his own self. Marge says that their old sheriff (the much beloved Ethan, whom I still bitterly miss) might have looked the other way, but those "good old boy days are over." Ha! Dukes of Hazzard shout-out! Marge puts on her hat and lets herself out. "Nighty-night!" she calls over her shoulder. She's got a warm dish of milk waiting in her police cruiser. MamaKent and Bo have no response to any of this.
Smallville Medical Center. They're getting really fancy with that sign outside. The people who were doing the banners for the high school must have graduated and gone to DeVry's graphic design program. On a very tastefully decorated desk sits a really nice black-and-white photo of Lex Luthor in a frame. A prop person could totally eBay that for at least $200. Dr. Dropkick walks in, takes off her white coat, and shows off a skimpy little sleeveless shirt. I must admit, I sat up a little higher in my chair. Dropkick notices the pretty flowers on her desk and goes to smell them. She's about to read the card when the handsome stranger from The Talon creeps up right behind her. He was in the office the whole time and she didn't notice? "Metropolis Flower Show, 1999," he says, as Dropkick understandably creeps out a bit. He says she couldn't take her eyes off those flowers. "Paul?" she asks. He's Tall Paul. She says she thought that was him last night. He's very handsome in a dark-haired, soap-opera-leading-man kind of way. He's also wearing a yellow tie. He says that she looked tired last night, so he left her alone. Now he's gonna make up for that inattention. She asks what he's doing in town. He replies, "Uh, I'm here on business." Uh, I think he's lying. Unless he's talking about dirty, dirty business. He says he read that Dropkick was getting married. He picks up the picture frame, and we get a close-up of it. Even in a black and white photo, Lex totally outsexes this guy. Dropkick says he shouldn't believe everything he reads. She says that, right now, they're married to their work. Secret luh-vahs! Yeah. That's what they are. "At least that's what we tell each other," says Lex, who is suddenly standing at the doorway in a long black coat. Dropkick looks over, surprised, and smiles as she introduces Tall Paul to Lex as "an old friend." Lex comes over and does a shaking of the hands. He guesses that Dropkick and Tall Paul knew each other from Metropolis. Slowly, Paul says that they, well, uh, dated for a while. In med school. Where they have the cadavers. Tall Paul says that they realized they weren't going to live happily ever after -- at least not with each other. Ain't fate a bitch? Lex is clearly bored, but definitely Alpha Male here. Dropkick breaks the silence and says it was nice seeing Tall Paul, but that it's time for her and Lex to go to lunch. Lex stops her and says he only came by to tell her he couldn't make it. He stopped by to say that? He's totally testing her. Tall Paul asks if he can fill in, if it's okay with Lex. Lex smiles with his lips pulled down and gives the lunch date his rubber stamp. Dropkick's 1991 beeper goes off. Patient emergency. She says she'll have to take a rain check on lunch. She suggests that Tall Paul give Lex the hotel phone number and make arrangements for something later. She obviously doesn't know Lex's history if she'd give him such a clear through line like this. She kisses Lex chastely on the side of the mouth and exits her office. Tall Paul tells Lex it's the same old Dropkick. Now she's here, now she's gone. "Hang on to her, Lex," he says. "If you can."
Outside The Talon. Clark, Chloe, and Pete pull up in Chloe's convertible. Chloe and Pete are giving Clark a hard time about his new criminal status. Clark is bitching that he's got forty hours of community service to do. Too bad it's timed, or he could do them in speedy time like the farm chores. Clark retorts to the teasing that he's going to wear an orange vest, not a jumpsuit. Chloe further teases that it's going to clash with the plaid. Ha! Go get him, Chloe. They start joking about CatFace Sheriff. She suddenly appears, of course, carrying a big-ass cup of coffee. "Very pithy," she says. Meow. She greets Clark and welcomes their coming time together on the chain gang. "Toodle-oo," she says. Toodle-fucking-oo? Chloe, who is wearing Michael Jackson's jacket from 1984, wishes Clark good luck and giggles her way into The Talon.
Lana emerges just then. She throws some flowers into a little metal vase outside. She's clearly peeved. She says that Sheriff TidyCat told her she doesn't have a case that'll hold up in court. "It's all hearsay," Lana says. So is this recap. Lana is sad, so she's wearing blue instead of pink. Or maybe she had a sex-change operation. Lana asks how Clark did it. Well, first he had to come to Earth from outer space in a little saucer. Then he had to get picked up by the guy from Dukes of Hazzard and the lady who played Lana in Superman III. Clark also explains how he took on three frat guys. "They were drunk," he explains. He also says he was highly motivated by the thought of someone hurting Lana. I am often motivated by that same thought. Lana says that Clark can't keep his eye on her every second. Why not? He's got a telescope. Lana says that Clark is always there to save her. For once, she wishes she could have saved herself. Well, then they'd have to change the theme song. Lana goes back inside without so much as a "Bye, thanks for saving me from gang rape."
Later that night at The Talon. Lana is in the dark, by herself, picking up dishes. Smart girl. Somebody comes up behind her and puts a hand on her shoulder. She jumps, understandably, and breaks a plate. Who the fuck? Oh. Lex the fuck. That was pretty mean and stupid, Lex. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he says. Yeah you did, ass. Ever heard of a call-ahead? Lex says that Lana's jumpiness is understandable given what she just went through. Lana downplays it, but Lex says that her safe haven was violated. I figured Lana's safe haven wouldn't be violated until at least her junior year of college. Lex says he knows what it's like to be vulnerable. "You?" Lana asks. Did she not hear about all the times Lex has been strung up, ass-kicked, and kidnapped? Lex busts out an "I was a freak in prep school" story and tells about how one day, he had enough and learned how to whip some ass. Lex makes himself a latte as he explains how one of his dad's chauffeurs was an ex-Navy SEAL who taught him how to fight. Unfortunately, Lex got amnesia and never remembered any of those lessons. Which brings us to today. Lex says that the time he was cornered, the guy he fought needed dental work. Still not impressed over here. Lana says she could never hurt anyone. Lex says it's about regaining your self-control. Like Laura Brannigan. Someone walks by in the background as they're talking. I thought Lana was supposed to be alone before Lex got there.
Kent Farm. The ancient frat boy is claiming that Clark hurt him, and says he wants (wait for it)... One MEELLION dollars! Clark can't believe it. He's looking at court papers. The sheriff had said the guy only had cuts and bruises, but now the guy is claiming severe neck injury, according to Bo. Well, he did get thrown thirty feet onto a car windshield. I mean, damn, Clark. Do the power, face the shower. MamaKent is here too, and she fills in more exposition: the frat guy hired the best personal-injury attorney in the state. Clark is annoyed. He wonders if this is where his conquering of the human race begins. It's not quite as poignant in this episode when Bo comes to comfort Clark. Bo says he got into a lot of fights when he was young. Hell, there was Boss Hogg, and Rosco P. Coltrane, and Cletus Hogg to deal with. Bo gets the theme of the episode across: there are consequences to Clark's actions. Good lesson to learn forty episodes into the run of the show. MamaKent reiterates the point about making split-second decisions that will last a lifetime. Bo says that we are a flawed race, but that we're a flawed race who raised Clark. "Aw, shit," Clark thinks, bitterly. Bo says that Clark is a lot more human than he thinks. I mean, would an alien wear that shirt?
It's nighttime outside Smallville Medical Center. A car is wheezing, trying to start. It's Dr. Dropkick, and she's got auto troubles. She speed-dials with her cell phone. Hey, I think she has my phone! She tells Lex on the phone that the car still won't start. She asks how far away he is. We don't hear his voice on the other end, but he assures her that he's nearby. Dropkick leans back in her seat. "You always had the worst luck with cars!" Tall Paul says, suddenly appearing at her driver's-side window. And he looks crazy! Dropkick gets out of the car and asks what he's doing there. He says it must be kismet. He forgot his phone and came back to get it. Ahh, a leave-behind. He offers her a ride home. "Lex is on his way," she says. He insists. "Same old [Dropkick]," he says. "Never wanted my help." Psy-cho! He says it must be different with Lex. "Yes. It is," Dropkick says sharply.
Just then, our sexy bald boy pulls up. Tall Paul calls him "Prince Charming." Lex comes up and gives Dropkick the same side-mouth kiss. Lex says hi to Paul. "Happened to be in the neighborhood," Paul explains. The neighborhood of Stalker Lane intersecting Crazy-Ass Avenue. Lex says that makes three times in just over a day. Lex jokes that he might begin to think the guy is stalking his girlfriend. Dropkick wants to leave. "Why would I want to do that?" Paul says, with the creepy eyes. He says he was just trying to be a good Samaritan. Lex asks if his mechanic is going to find missing spark plugs or sugar in the gas tank. Dropkick tries to pull Lex back. "You really are paranoid," Paul says. "No," Lex says, taking a step forward (and one more step, deeper into all our hearts). "I'm just a frighteningly good judge of character." Paul looks a tiny bit scared. Lex strongly suggests that Tall Paul stay away from Dropkick. Paul asks if that's a threat. Lex says that Paul seems like a simple guy: "I'd hate for your life to get complicated." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawesome! Lex and Dropkick leave. Paul stares. Crazy!
Cool Red Hot Chili Peppers song plays. It's been a while since I've been truly annoyed by the music on this show. Yay, show! Sleazy-looking motel. Tall Paul pulls up in his town car. Someone in an SUV is parked behind him, watching. The parked heavy calls Lex to inform his boss of the stalker's whereabouts. Inside, as the music continues, Tall Paul stands in front of a mirror wearing, appropriately, a wife-beater. "You know I love you, [Dropkick]," he says to the mirror. He also says he'd do anything to be with the mirror. He leans his head back then rams it forward into the mirror. He cracks the mirror and leaves a huge bloodstain on it. He leans back and we see blood all over his face. He smiles. Crazy!
Hospital. Dropkick and a nurse come in on Tall Paul in a curtained area. His face looks ass-kicked. "Lex," he says, explaining his wounds. "Lex did this to me." Yes, but have you seen Clark's anus?
Commercials, because that last joke needs a few minutes' break to settle in.
Back at the hospital, Lex is looking in as Tall Paul (who is now horizontally tall. Er, long. Er, whatever) is being questioned by Sheriff Puddytat. The lack of privacy in this hospital continues to astonish me. "Lex. We need to talk," Dropkick says in her most brusque manner. She takes Lex to her office. She tells Lex that Tall Paul is claiming that one of Lex's thugs beat him up. Lex thinks maybe Dropkick believes him. Dropkick says that Lex has been ignoring her for two weeks (really? How were we to know that?) and now all of a sudden he's jealous. Lex says he isn't jealous. He's concerned. He says that the guy is unhinged if he did that to himself. Lex says she's being stalked. Dropkick says that she and Tall Paul were never even that serious. She says in a nice way that she was just in it for the sex. This is exactly what Lex wants to hear. He asks who broke it off. She did. She says that one of Paul's ex-girlfriends warned her that she'd been beaten up by him. Lex asks if the woman ever reported it to the police. Dropkick says no, but that she wasn't going to wait to see if it happened again. She didn't ask the guy if it was true? She says three months after they broke up, Paul dropped out of school. Marge Gunderson walks in without knocking and says she was looking for Lex.
Hallway at the hospital. Lex says he didn't have the guy beat up. Marge is ticked that she didn't get to ask the question first. Lex's alibi for his own whereabouts is that he was at home. She brings up the encounter in the parking lot and says that offering flowers and a ride home isn't criminal behavior. Boy, she really doesn't watch the Lifetime Network. Lex is annoyed with Marge and hopes her professional instincts lead her in the right direction. I dunno. Those instincts must compete with feline proclivities. Marge warns that she'll stay in touch. A bloody, bruised Paul is wheeled down the hallway. He gives Lex a half smile.
Outside The Talon, Clark is indeed in the orange vest, picking up trash. The marquee sign says something about "so fresh you'll want to slap it." Huh? Lex comes out with two cups of coffee. Before Lex can even say anything, Clark warns him not to start. He's already been getting teased by fellow students. Lex offers Clark the coffee and asks if that's violating parole. Mmm, prison sex. Clark tells Lex about the pending lawsuit and how the frat guy could "literally take the farm." For once, Lex doesn't offer up his team of lawyers. Clark complains that someone can just come into your life out of the blue and muck things up. Yeah, you never really learn that lesson until about the fortieth time it happens to you. Lex tells Clark not to worry about Lana: "Let's just say the crouching tigress is about to find her hidden dragon." I hope those residual checks are mighty huge for reading lines like that.
Lair of Lex. Lana, in her skimpy workout clothes, is trying to punch a big boxing bag that Lex is humping from behind. Lana complains that she can't even get the bag to move. Lex has a little nose and upper lip sweat going. Lex says it's not about size. It's about decisiveness and speed. He's already convinced Clark of this. Lex is wearing gloves with the fingers cut off. You go, Judd Nelson. He comes around and puts his hands under Lana's elbows and tells her she has to put her whole body into it. Lana punches. Lex tells her to channel all her anger. Lana says she's not as angry as Lex is. "Of course not," Lex says, doing a little comedic take. Lex taunts Lana, using the frat boys as bait. He brings up the shoving. He brings up how Clark is always saving her. Lana's punches get stronger and stronger. She punches, punches, and kicks. I want her to do the down/back, down, down/forward circle for the fireball move. She concludes with a kick. Lex is pleased. The loud techno music playing over the scene ends. It's not exactly Matrix Reloaded, is it?
More trash duty. Clark picks up a tiny bag of Lay's potato chips with his stick-spear. He notices Elderly Frat Guy coming out of a store across the street. He's in a neck brace and using a cane. Clark, against all of our better judgment, goes over for a word. Fratty Oldman warns Clark that he's not supposed to come within five hundred feet. "Danica's Hair Shop" is one of the stores on the block. Clark gets in front of Fratty and says they both made mistakes. Clark says that the lawsuit could ruin his family. He asks Fratty to leave them out of it. An SUV pulls up across the street and honks. "I'll see you in court," Fratty says through gritted teeth and slit eyes. He tells Clark that if he violates the restraining order again, he'll have the sheriff all over his ass. Emphasis on "ass." Fratty gets into the SUV. He and his buddies are all giggles. Clark uses his x-ray vision and sees Fratty take off the brace in the car and drink a Cold One.
The Barnness of Tortitude. Clark is looking at some neck x-rays, doing his requisite scientific research for whatever problem is going on that week. Chloe comes in. She takes off her overshirt and is wearing more beads than a "Bedazzler" infomercial on her undershirt. Clark says that Fratty's faking. Chloe says that, as a defendant, Clark's claim won't hold much water. Clark says he saw the guy take his neck brace off. Chloe says she'll help. Or, she suggests, they can send Lana to beat the guy up. Clark is uncomfortable. Chloe says it's just a joke. She says Clark doesn't seem impressed that Lana is turning all Charlie's Angel on them. Clark is worried Lana will get overconfident. Chloe says that Clark, as a guy, has no idea what it's like to cross the street at night with footsteps behind you when you're a woman. Chloe says that if getting a little "girl power" makes Lana feel like less of a victim, Clark should be in favor of it. You go, Chloe! Clark supposes that's true. Chloe guesses that if Lana learns to defend herself, she might not need Clark anymore. True dat, too.
Speaking of walking at night in the dark, Dropkick is walking down a very dark hospital hallway in enormous heels. Does Dr. Scholl know about this? Dropkick walks into a pathology lab and tries to turn on a light. Nothing comes on. "Doctor?" she calls. No answer. Tall Paul, however, is more than happy to answer. He suddenly appears right behind her. He's a creepy man! "I had to see you alone," he says. Dropkick invites him to talk with her over coffee. "No, we can't go and have coffee, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" he yells. Creep! He goes on a rant about why Dropkick broke up with him. It's punctuated with some domestic violence yelling. Ike Turner, no! He says he was trying to be successful to woo her back. Then he found out she was dating Lex. He says he wanted to save her. Dropkick says she doesn't want that. She says she broke up with Tall Paul because of the ex-girlfriend. "Oh, oh oh, nonononononono, she was so beneath me," he says. This is way scarier than any Kryptonite freak. Paul says he and Dropkick were meant for each other. He runs a thumb on her lips. Dropkick says she loves Lex. Paul says she doesn't; she loves Tall Paul, she just doesn't know it yet. He moves to kiss her. She breaks free and runs. He blocks the door, very The Continental-style.
Dropkick's cell phone rings. She answers. It's Lex. He's driving very fast. He admits that he's been distant the last few weeks. He promises to change and says he's on his way over to talk. She says she's busy with a patient in the pathology lab. Paul slaps the phone right off of her face. Lex hears it and asks what's going on. Paul yells at her about Lex. To borrow a Hank Stuever quote from The Washington Post, the women on this show, like those on 24, are in serious need of a Take Back the Night march. Dropkick smashes a big glass against Paul's already wounded head. Lex asks what's going on. Paul grabs Dropkick and throws her against a table of test tubes and equipment. Ouch. Why didn't she dropkick him? Lex drives faster. Paul carries Dropkick, grabs a scalpel, and runs her over another table. More Lex speed-driving. The scene stops. We see shards of glass on the floor, stuff strewn everywhere. Lex is running down the hallway, two hospital staffers behind him. He stops and sees a trail of bloody steps. He crashes inside the lab. He sees Dropkick on the floor. She's bloody and unconscious. The doctor with Lex calls for some blood. Lex tries to wake Dropkick up, but she's not responding. Lemme tell you something. This scene was completely unexpected. I thought she was a goner and I jumped out of my chair. Sure, they maybe screwed it up later, but at this exact moment, the show had me riveted. Nice work, folks.
Commercials. Mmmm, tasty Matrix.
Back in a place where I'm not biting my nails, The Talon. Lana, wearing an odd green shirt, runs into Clark, still wearing his road crew vest. Clark says the roads are litter-free. Lana says he must be exhausted. Clark says he's frustrated and humiliated. Hey, who the fuck do you think picks up your trash the other 364 days of the year? Clark asks about Lana's ass-kicking lessons. Lana says that Lex has a way of bringing out a side of Lana that's both scary and liberating. Clark warns her about being careful. Lana says she's not going to go prowling the night looking for a fight. Yeah, now that Birds of Prey is gone, there's not really a place for that. Lana says she'll leave that to Clark. Clark says that there's no future in fighting crime unless you want to get sued. Clark says he knows Fratty Oldman is faking, but he's got no proof. Clark was going to follow the guy with a camera, but he'd be violating the restraining order. Lana offers to help. "The law's not on our side. What are we supposed to do?" she asks. That makes perfect sense. In Bizarro WORLD WORLD WORLD!
Medical Center. Lex is pissed! He's in a frothing rage! And what happened to Dropkick? I want answers, dammit! Lex asks someone on the phone where someone else is. (Meacham? Hayden?) Sheriff Puss'nBoots says she's sorry about Dr. Dropkick. (Nooooooooo!) She hopes Lex isn't planning on taking the law into his own hands. A billionaire whose girlfriend just got sliced up? Of course he won't! Lex says that the woman he loves is fighting for her life (whew!), and that he hasn't got a lot of faith in the justice system right now. Marge says she's got roadblocks, deputies, and a warrant pending on the motel room. Lex asks how long that'll take. She says it'll take a little while, but that she's doing what she can. Lex doesn't sound convinced. Lex walks away. Marge follows and asks where he's going. She warns him not to tamper with the investigation. Or she'll scratch him. "Or what?" Lex yells, "you'll arrest me and make me pick up trash?" Her lips tight, Marge says that Lex is not above the law. "Thank you for that bracing insight," Lex says, dismissing her. He says he's going to go. Not a lot of love there. I think Lex is a dog person.
Outside the hospital, Clark sees Lex speeding off in his car. Clark sees Marge coming out and asks about Dr. Dropkick. Violating laws about patient privacy, she says that it's still touch and go. She turns to a deputy, asks about the warrant, and mentions the name of the motel right in front of Clark. Clark's eyes get all big with information overload.
Motel. Clark superspeeds there and watches as something's going on inside. He x-ray-visions and sees someone entering through a window. Inside, Lex is scoping the motel room with a flashlight. Lex suddenly appears behind Clark. Lex tells Clark to stay out of it. Clark warns Lex against acting out. Lex asks if he should just leave this to the "pros." Lex says that Tall Paul's car is still here. Lex's phone suddenly rings. He lets the phone ring and flashes a light over to the broken, bloody mirror. The ringing phone is supposed to be Lex's guy, I suppose. He and Clark sneak over to the bathroom. They slowly open the door. Flashlight on the shower curtain. Lex pulls the curtain. Meacham! He's dead, throat slit. Lex calls somebody a son of a bitch and says that Tall Paul now has Meacham's car. Clark hears a car approaching outside. The closed captioning says that the police are yelling for whoever's inside to come out with their hands up, but in reality, they just bust in, guns waving. Lex has picked up Meacham's gun as well. When the cops bust in, they only find the open window, a thin curtain waving in the breeze. Marge is one sad kitty.
Lex and Clark show up at a train station. Lex says that the lojack system said the guy is there. Clark says he thought only the police had access to "lojack." Because Clark is the expert. Lex suggests that they split up. No! You'll break Clark's heart! Clark decides to wait for the sheriff. Lex goes off on his own to catch a stalker. Suddenly, Smallville has a train station as big as the one Harry Potter takes to get to Hogwarts. Lex passes a bunch of people and looks around. He spots Tall Paul, who scrambles between two of the train cars. He rounds a corner, looking hunted, and suddenly there is Lex, gun pulled on him. "If you pull that trigger, you're going to be the one going to prison," Paul warns. Lex pulls out a hankie with "LL" on it (what is it with handkerchiefs on TV lately?) and takes a second gun from his pants. He tosses the gun to Paul, who stupidly catches it. "Not if it's self-defense," Lex says. How cool is Lex this week? My goodness. He's so cool, we need to go to commercials to cool off.
Back at the train station standoff, Lex looks like he might pull the trigger. Paul suddenly gets smart and points the gun he was just given at Lex. Oh, wait, that's actually very stupid. Why would Lex give you a loaded gun? The gun, of course, dry fires. Lex isn't even amused at that. "I guess I forgot to load it," Lex says. "You're just full of surprises tonight, aren't you?" Paul asks. Huh? What's that in reference to? I like it when the villains just shut up and cower. Lex raises his gun slightly, and Paul has enough time to spin-kick Lex in the chest. Again: huh? Lex flies. Paul takes off and gets on the train. The train that's not moving. Where does he think he's going to go? Hoboville? Clark, meanwhile, decides to stop standing around and goes to help Lex.
Inside the train car, lots of lamps are on. It's got more light than the hospital. The train car has instructions on a window in four different languages, including French and Chinese. I'm sure that's a big help in Kansas. Lex creeps into an elegant, nicely lit car. Clark is still outside, but he jogs over to the car near where Lex is. Back inside, it's brooding music and Lex with a gun. Lex passes through a kitchen area. I like this scene because I can just sit and watch it without having to write anything more than "Lex continues to skulk around." Oh, wait, frying pan! Tall Paul clocks Lex in the head. Then he is kicked. Punching. Throwing. More punching. Head butt. Punch. Kick. Lex is on the ground, hurting. Clark doesn't use his super-hearing. Oh wait, he does. He hears the unmistakable sound of Lex getting his ass kicked. In the car, Paul conveniently finds an axe hanging overhead. He grabs it. Clark x-ray-visions the train and sees the skeleton getting ready to hack some Lex wood. Clark superspeeds over and shoulders the car, making it shake, and causing Paul to drop the axe. Lex finds his footing, and his gun, and points it square in Paul's scared face. "Goodbye, Paul," Lex says. He hesitates. He grimaces. Instead of pulling the trigger, Lex pistol-whips Paul in the face once. Clark suddenly runs in at normal speed. Then Marge and her deputies come in. She tells Lex to get rid of his gun, right now. Lex doesn't right away. Marge urges him to put it down. Lex calmly says that last time he checked, citizen's arrests were still legal in Kansas. Marge smiles, chewing gum, and looking frankly scary as all get out with her creepy Joker's grin. She says that if she catches Clark interfering with a police investigation again, "Heaven help you." Lex doesn't look too freaked out. Paul, on the other hand, looks pretty beat up.
The Talon marquee changed without me figuring out what was so fresh you had to slap it. (My guess? A penis.) Now it's "Silent Film Festival Show." Inside, Lana is wearing a purple shirt, a nod to her Lexification. Fratty Oldman comes in behind Lana, neck brace, walker and all. Lana thanks him for coming. He says it had better be good to get him out of bed so early. Lana apologizes for what happened the other night. Huh? She says things have gotten out of hand with the lawsuit. Lana says she knows he's faking his injuries and that he should stop before he gets caught. Fratty picks up his walker cane and reaches for Lana. He says she didn't call him there about the lawsuit. So if he's not faking his injuries, how would he have mobility enough to have sex, consensual or otherwise? "Touch me again and you'll have some real soft-tissue injury," Lana says, forcefully. Fratty says she can play hard to get, but that they both know Lana wants him. Ew. He suggests that they take it to the back. Lana grabs his wrist, twists it, and kicks him in the stomach. As girl power music plays, Lana does a roundhouse kick and smacks him in the face. He flies and crashes against a table. He lies unconscious, blood coming out of his mouth. Yay, violence! So Lana invited him over so she could kick his ass? "Rise up!" the music says as Lana looks awfully pleased with herself. I thought Canadians were a peaceful people. Don't push them too far, elderly fratty Americans! ["Yeah! Something like what he said, I guess!" -- Wing Chun]
Clark's Barnness of Epilogueitude. Lana greets him. She's still got her purple shirt on. Clark says he just got a call saying Fratty Oldman dropped his lawsuit. Clark's fiddling with his telescope. Clark asks if Lana knows anything about that. Lana says maybe Fratty realized that Clark was just trying to help a friend. Clark says that the sheriff told him Lana has quite a spin kick. So is Clark now dating the sheriff? Do they talk on the phone about death like Harold and Maude? Clark says he's sorry he missed the kick. Before Lana can overanalyze the situation, Clark simply thanks Lana. He even gives her a little half thumbs-up. Lana says that Clark's been there for her so many times. She wanted to repay Clark. I bet he'd rather have that in nookie. Lana says it's not every day Lana Lang gets to save Clark Kent. Smiles all around. I am so very glad we're not ending on that scene.
Instead, we're at Lex's house. A slow, excruitiatingly acoustic version of "Don't Fear the Reaper" is playing. Dr. Dropkick is sitting by a fire, reading. Lex comes in. Dropkick says she thought he had a board meeting. Lex cancelled it for personal reasons. "That's a first," she says. Lex, in a nice, dark collarless top, comes around and sits to Dropkick. He says that Tall Paul is pleading insanity. Dropkick starts to say something, but he stops her to reveal that he's not fighting the plea. "Paul needs help," he says. Lex says he wanted to kill the guy for what he did to Dropkick. Lex says he probably could have gotten away with it in everyone's eyes. He says that one person would have known the truth. "Clark?" she asks. Oh, I see. It's an open relationship, huh? "You," Lex says. You expect him to add, "Hey, I'm not gay!" here. Lex says that Clark didn't save him in that moment. Dropkick did. Lex says that's when he knew. He pulls something out of his pocket. She opens it. Engagement ring! A nice big, one too. "Will you marry me?" Lex asks. Swoon! Dropkick is teary-eyed. She leans forward and kisses Lex. The music comes up a bit and we pull back on the huge room. Getting engaged is cool. Way to go, Lex.
The WB wants to sell you a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD. That's fine by me.
week: Flame-butt!