Precipice

, on an all-new Smallville: Ass-kicking! Lana, like you've never seen her before. (Will she be acting?) And now...

The Talon. (Exterior shot with an American flag hanging to the marquee. I mean, what's more American than an old theater converted into a house of cappuccino?) Inside, some good buddies are taking a silver flask to their brightly colored cups of coffee. They've having a grand old time of it, like they're fifteen. Lana, with her stern eyebrow look, tells the guys that the coffee at The Talon is strictly "non-Irish." No Bailey's for you! Token minority frat guy tells Lana to loosen up. Frat-letter-Sweater-Wearing Guy waves his flask at Lana and invites her to have a drink. If Lana ever actually drank alcohol, the world might collapse. Lana doesn't like tomfoolery. She tells the boys to take it outside. That stops the lead frat guy, who looks like he's about forty years old. Lana says that they're closing anyway. As Lana walks away, the frat dudes make "Oooh" noises to each other.

At another table, Dr. Dropkick is sitting alone, wearing a smart light blue blazer. Lana asks if she can get Dropkick anything else. "Just a boyfriend who can keep a date," Dropkick says. Lana says Dropkick's talking to the wrong person. They have a wholly forced laugh at that. Meanwhile, some guy in a suit with a perfectly square head looks over his newspaper to give Dropkick the Smooth Eyes. Dropkick notices the stare. The front of the tabloid he's reading says something about alien danger. Lana notices that the frat guys are having a little too much fun. Dropkick looks back at Square Head Guy, but he's gone. She tells Lana she thought she saw someone she knew. Dropkick excuses herself and leaves. More forced giggles.

After Dropkick leaves, we hear one of the frat guys go, "Go get her." The lead frat guy -- who will be cashing his Social Security check after this scene is over -- comes to try to bust a move on Lana. He's much more likely to bust a hip. "We heard this place had the friendliest service in town," Fratty Oldman says in an oily way. "Just leave," says Lana, as Fratty and his buds corner her against the swinging kitchen door. Lana looks past Fratty, and the front door looks really far away. She pushes a panic button conveniently right to her finger. "Hey!" Fratty says. This wasn't part of the gang-rape plan! He grabs Lana by the arms and swings her against a heavy-looking set of shelves. Blue tinted glassware and orange cups fall all over the place. Lana hits the ground, but doesn't get cut on any of the glass. The other frat boys stick out their chins with brotherly pride. Fratty Oldman puts his hand on Lana's chin and suggests that they take this into the back. "Stop! Get away from her!" we hear. It's Clark, who is suddenly inside the coffeehouse without anyone's having noticed his entrance. Fratty Oldman gets up, wondering who this young whippersnapper of about twenty-eight years could be. "Isn't it past your bedtime?" Fratty asks. Oh, that's funny. None of these guys would get IDed at a bar. Clark says that the police are on their way. Lana looks up at everyone from the floor instead of picking herself up. "Come on. Let's go," Fratty tells his comrades. The guy with the frat letters appears to be wearing the letters "Orgy Omega Ass." Clark bends down to check on Lana. She says she's fine, but she's near tears.

We go to the back alley, because the frat dudes couldn't figure out how to get to the front door. "Did you see the stupid look on her face?" asks Fratty Oldman. Clark is suddenly right in front of Fratty, blocking his path. "Check out Speedy Gonzalez," says Fratty. Clark warns Fratty that he doesn't ever want to see these guys at The Talon again. "Listen, John Boy," Fratty Oldman says. Even his pop-culture references are from before my time! Fratty pushes his out-of-shape luck. He says they'll do what they want, and in fact, they're going to come back tomorrow. Clark dramatically walks past Fratty and says he won't warn them again. "Oh, I get it," Fratty says. "You've got the hots for that bitch manager. It's too bad she's a real dirty slut." Heavens me! Merciful heavens! Virgin ears here! Clark loses it. He bares his teeth and pushes Fratty down on the ground. One of the junior frat guys takes a swing, and in one move, Clark throws them both against a convenient chain-link fence. This is like Clark's personal batting cage. Fratty stands up, grinning. "All right. Wanna try it on, Farmboy?" "Try it on"? Did he just make a pass at Clark? "Let's see what you're made of," he continues. This guy's an awful taunter. He tries to punch Clark. Clark grabs his fist and twists. He grabs Fratty by the shirt and says, "Get your coffee somewhere else." But The Talon has the town's best cappuccino! It says right there on the marquee! He's going to have to special order some Starbucks or -- whups! Clark throws the guy thirty feet. Unfortunately for Clark, Fratty lands on and breaks the windshield of a stopping police car. Oh damn. Out steps perhaps the scariest woman in the history of The WB. (And yes, I'm counting Shannen Doherty.) It's Marge Gunderson, the new sheriff! (Or as a clever person on the forums called her, Frances McDornot.) Clark tries to run the other way, but Lana's standing right there, giving him a taste of his own suddenly-appearing-out-of-nowhere medicine. Marge rushes up to Clark and points a gun at him. "On your knees," she says. Like Clark hasn't heard that one before. Marge yells for Clark to put his hands behind his head. Now! Marge looks just like an angry white cat. Close-up on Clark looking slightly bemused. Lana is hellashocked.

Opening credits. How far we've come from that pilot episode. Wait, no we haven't! We're still practically at square one! How depressing.

Commercials. The Real Cancun. When you absolutely have to pay money to have your intelligence insulted.

Marge! Inside The Talon, Marge Gunderson is writing something in a prop police notepad that looks like it's made of painted cardboard and construction paper. She's also got a pretty big hat on. "So you're the new sheriff in town," Clark says, trying to make conversation. "You writin' a book, Mr. Kent?" she snaps. Clark is like, damn! Shit! He looks at Lana. She is similarly "damn!" Marge tells Clark to keep the chitter-chatter to himself. And no horseplay! We had enough of that last week. Marge snaps her notepad shut and tells Clark that "flyin' boys" aren't something you see every day. Marge takes off her hat and brings her stretched cat face closer to Clark. She says the frat boys told her that Clark attacked them. It was three on one! How does she think that's true? Clark says that's crazy. Marge brings up a good point: why are the paramedics taking care of the fratties, but Clark doesn't have a scratch on him? Marge asks Lana what she saw. Marge sucks on a spoon and then takes a sip from a yellow cappuccino cup. Lana says she saw nothing. "You're lyin', ya know..." Marge hisses. I just want to feed her Meow Mix and clean her litter. "You said you made a good cappuccino," Marge says, further heightening the weird-ass dramatic tension. Lana looks hurt. "This is a great cappuccino," Marge trills. Lana smiles. Clark tries to escape, but Marge stops him. "We are just gettin' started," She says. Scaryface! This lady is so harshing Clark's hero buzz.

Kent home. MamaKent and Bo are trying to convince Sheriff KittyMeow that Clark wouldn't hurt anyone deliberately. Marge is just really pissed about her cruiser, I think. Marge says that she ran Clark's name in the police computer and found that he's been at "more crime scenes than Eliot Ness." She's the Continuity Police! MamaKent says that Clark's just trying to help people. Marge thinks Clark may have a hero complex. Clark is anything but complex, lady. Marge says that heroes gotta play by the rules, too, and that she's charging Clark with misdemeanor battery. He'll have to give the town three AA Duracells if he wants to go free. She says it could be a $1,500 fine. Clark stands up and says that his family can't afford that. Bo tells Clark to sit down. That reminds me of when I was in high school overseas and I got into huge trouble for taking part in an underground newspaper. We met with the principal, and after having talked to the Student Press Law Center, I started to blab about our rights and how we were protected by parody law and my dad told me to just shut the hell up. Marge offers Clark community service in exchange for dropping the charges. She says that Clark can keep the world safe from roadside litter. Heh. Bo starts to argue with that instead of shutting up his own self. Marge says that their old sheriff (the much beloved Ethan, whom I still bitterly miss) might have looked the other way, but those "good old boy days are over." Ha! Dukes of Hazzard shout-out! Marge puts on her hat and lets herself out. "Nighty-night!" she calls over her shoulder. She's got a warm dish of milk waiting in her police cruiser. MamaKent and Bo have no response to any of this.

Smallville Medical Center. They're getting really fancy with that sign outside. The people who were doing the banners for the high school must have graduated and gone to DeVry's graphic design program. On a very tastefully decorated desk sits a really nice black-and-white photo of Lex Luthor in a frame. A prop person could totally eBay that for at least $200. Dr. Dropkick walks in, takes off her white coat, and shows off a skimpy little sleeveless shirt. I must admit, I sat up a little higher in my chair. Dropkick notices the pretty flowers on her desk and goes to smell them. She's about to read the card when the handsome stranger from The Talon creeps up right behind her. He was in the office the whole time and she didn't notice? "Metropolis Flower Show, 1999," he says, as Dropkick understandably creeps out a bit. He says she couldn't take her eyes off those flowers. "Paul?" she asks. He's Tall Paul. She says she thought that was him last night. He's very handsome in a dark-haired, soap-opera-leading-man kind of way. He's also wearing a yellow tie. He says that she looked tired last night, so he left her alone. Now he's gonna make up for that inattention. She asks what he's doing in town. He replies, "Uh, I'm here on business." Uh, I think he's lying. Unless he's talking about dirty, dirty business. He says he read that Dropkick was getting married. He picks up the picture frame, and we get a close-up of it. Even in a black and white photo, Lex totally outsexes this guy. Dropkick says he shouldn't believe everything he reads. She says that, right now, they're married to their work. Secret luh-vahs! Yeah. That's what they are. "At least that's what we tell each other," says Lex, who is suddenly standing at the doorway in a long black coat. Dropkick looks over, surprised, and smiles as she introduces Tall Paul to Lex as "an old friend." Lex comes over and does a shaking of the hands. He guesses that Dropkick and Tall Paul knew each other from Metropolis. Slowly, Paul says that they, well, uh, dated for a while. In med school. Where they have the cadavers. Tall Paul says that they realized they weren't going to live happily ever after -- at least not with each other. Ain't fate a bitch? Lex is clearly bored, but definitely Alpha Male here. Dropkick breaks the silence and says it was nice seeing Tall Paul, but that it's time for her and Lex to go to lunch. Lex stops her and says he only came by to tell her he couldn't make it. He stopped by to say that? He's totally testing her. Tall Paul asks if he can fill in, if it's okay with Lex. Lex smiles with his lips pulled down and gives the lunch date his rubber stamp. Dropkick's 1991 beeper goes off. Patient emergency. She says she'll have to take a rain check on lunch. She suggests that Tall Paul give Lex the hotel phone number and make arrangements for something later. She obviously doesn't know Lex's history if she'd give him such a clear through line like this. She kisses Lex chastely on the side of the mouth and exits her office. Tall Paul tells Lex it's the same old Dropkick. Now she's here, now she's gone. "Hang on to her, Lex," he says. "If you can."

Outside The Talon. Clark, Chloe, and Pete pull up in Chloe's convertible. Chloe and Pete are giving Clark a hard time about his new criminal status. Clark is bitching that he's got forty hours of community service to do. Too bad it's timed, or he could do them in speedy time like the farm chores. Clark retorts to the teasing that he's going to wear an orange vest, not a jumpsuit. Chloe further teases that it's going to clash with the plaid. Ha! Go get him, Chloe. They start joking about CatFace Sheriff. She suddenly appears, of course, carrying a big-ass cup of coffee. "Very pithy," she says. Meow. She greets Clark and welcomes their coming time together on the chain gang. "Toodle-oo," she says. Toodle-fucking-oo? Chloe, who is wearing Michael Jackson's jacket from 1984, wishes Clark good luck and giggles her way into The Talon.

Lana emerges just then. She throws some flowers into a little metal vase outside. She's clearly peeved. She says that Sheriff TidyCat told her she doesn't have a case that'll hold up in court. "It's all hearsay," Lana says. So is this recap. Lana is sad, so she's wearing blue instead of pink. Or maybe she had a sex-change operation. Lana asks how Clark did it. Well, first he had to come to Earth from outer space in a little saucer. Then he had to get picked up by the guy from Dukes of Hazzard and the lady who played Lana in Superman III. Clark also explains how he took on three frat guys. "They were drunk," he explains. He also says he was highly motivated by the thought of someone hurting Lana. I am often motivated by that same thought. Lana says that Clark can't keep his eye on her every second. Why not? He's got a telescope. Lana says that Clark is always there to save her. For once, she wishes she could have saved herself. Well, then they'd have to change the theme song. Lana goes back inside without so much as a "Bye, thanks for saving me from gang rape."

Later that night at The Talon. Lana is in the dark, by herself, picking up dishes. Smart girl. Somebody comes up behind her and puts a hand on her shoulder. She jumps, understandably, and breaks a plate. Who the fuck? Oh. Lex the fuck. That was pretty mean and stupid, Lex. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he says. Yeah you did, ass. Ever heard of a call-ahead? Lex says that Lana's jumpiness is understandable given what she just went through. Lana downplays it, but Lex says that her safe haven was violated. I figured Lana's safe haven wouldn't be violated until at least her junior year of college. Lex says he knows what it's like to be vulnerable. "You?" Lana asks. Did she not hear about all the times Lex has been strung up, ass-kicked, and kidnapped? Lex busts out an "I was a freak in prep school" story and tells about how one day, he had enough and learned how to whip some ass. Lex makes himself a latte as he explains how one of his dad's chauffeurs was an ex-Navy SEAL who taught him how to fight. Unfortunately, Lex got amnesia and never remembered any of those lessons. Which brings us to today. Lex says that the time he was cornered, the guy he fought needed dental work. Still not impressed over here. Lana says she could never hurt anyone. Lex says it's about regaining your self-control. Like Laura Brannigan. Someone walks by in the background as they're talking. I thought Lana was supposed to be alone before Lex got there.

Kent Farm. The ancient frat boy is claiming that Clark hurt him, and says he wants (wait for it)... One MEELLION dollars! Clark can't believe it. He's looking at court papers. The sheriff had said the guy only had cuts and bruises, but now the guy is claiming severe neck injury, according to Bo. Well, he did get thrown thirty feet onto a car windshield. I mean, damn, Clark. Do the power, face the shower. MamaKent is here too, and she fills in more exposition: the frat guy hired the best personal-injury attorney in the state. Clark is annoyed. He wonders if this is where his conquering of the human race begins. It's not quite as poignant in this episode when Bo comes to comfort Clark. Bo says he got into a lot of fights when he was young. Hell, there was Boss Hogg, and Rosco P. Coltrane, and Cletus Hogg to deal with. Bo gets the theme of the episode across: there are consequences to Clark's actions. Good lesson to learn forty episodes into the run of the show. MamaKent reiterates the point about making split-second decisions that will last a lifetime. Bo says that we are a flawed race, but that we're a flawed race who raised Clark. "Aw, shit," Clark thinks, bitterly. Bo says that Clark is a lot more human than he thinks. I mean, would an alien wear that shirt?

It's nighttime outside Smallville Medical Center. A car is wheezing, trying to start. It's Dr. Dropkick, and she's got auto troubles. She speed-dials with her cell phone. Hey, I think she has my phone! She tells Lex on the phone that the car still won't start. She asks how far away he is. We don't hear his voice on the other end, but he assures her that he's nearby. Dropkick leans back in her seat. "You always had the worst luck with cars!" Tall Paul says, suddenly appearing at her driver's-side window. And he looks crazy! Dropkick gets out of the car and asks what he's doing there. He says it must be kismet. He forgot his phone and came back to get it. Ahh, a leave-behind. He offers her a ride home. "Lex is on his way," she says. He insists. "Same old [Dropkick]," he says. "Never wanted my help." Psy-cho! He says it must be different with Lex. "Yes. It is," Dropkick says sharply.

Just then, our sexy bald boy pulls up. Tall Paul calls him "Prince Charming." Lex comes up and gives Dropkick the same side-mouth kiss. Lex says hi to Paul. "Happened to be in the neighborhood," Paul explains. The neighborhood of Stalker Lane intersecting Crazy-Ass Avenue. Lex says that makes three times in just over a day. Lex jokes that he might begin to think the guy is stalking his girlfriend. Dropkick wants to leave. "Why would I want to do that?" Paul says, with the creepy eyes. He says he was just trying to be a good Samaritan. Lex asks if his mechanic is going to find missing spark plugs or sugar in the gas tank. Dropkick tries to pull Lex back. "You really are paranoid," Paul says. "No," Lex says, taking a step forward (and one more step, deeper into all our hearts). "I'm just a frighteningly good judge of character." Paul looks a tiny bit scared. Lex strongly suggests that Tall Paul stay away from Dropkick. Paul asks if that's a threat. Lex says that Paul seems like a simple guy: "I'd hate for your life to get complicated." Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawesome! Lex and Dropkick leave. Paul stares. Crazy!

Cool Red Hot Chili Peppers song plays. It's been a while since I've been truly annoyed by the music on this show. Yay, show! Sleazy-looking motel. Tall Paul pulls up in his town car. Someone in an SUV is parked behind him, watching. The parked heavy calls Lex to inform his boss of the stalker's whereabouts. Inside, as the music continues, Tall Paul stands in front of a mirror wearing, appropriately, a wife-beater. "You know I love you, [Dropkick]," he says to the mirror. He also says he'd do anything to be with the mirror. He leans his head back then rams it forward into the mirror. He cracks the mirror and leaves a huge bloodstain on it. He leans back and we see blood all over his face. He smiles. Crazy!

Hospital. Dropkick and a nurse come in on Tall Paul in a curtained area. His face looks ass-kicked. "Lex," he says, explaining his wounds. "Lex did this to me." Yes, but have you seen Clark's anus?

Commercials, because that last joke needs a few minutes' break to settle in.

Back at the hospital, Lex is looking in as Tall Paul (who is now horizontally tall. Er, long. Er, whatever) is being questioned by Sheriff Puddytat. The lack of privacy in this hospital continues to astonish me. "Lex. We need to talk," Dropkick says in her most brusque manner. She takes Lex to her office. She tells Lex that Tall Paul is claiming that one of Lex's thugs beat him up. Lex thinks maybe Dropkick believes him. Dropkick says that Lex has been ignoring her for two weeks (really? How were we to know that?) and now all of a sudden he's jealous. Lex says he isn't jealous. He's concerned. He says that the guy is unhinged if he did that to himself. Lex says she's being stalked. Dropkick says that she and Tall Paul were never even that serious. She says in a nice way that she was just in it for the sex. This is exactly what Lex wants to hear. He asks who broke it off. She did. She says that one of Paul's ex-girlfriends warned her that she'd been beaten up by him. Lex asks if the woman ever reported it to the police. Dropkick says no, but that she wasn't going to wait to see if it happened again. She didn't ask the guy if it was true? She says three months after they broke up, Paul dropped out of school. Marge Gunderson walks in without knocking and says she was looking for Lex.

Hallway at the hospital. Lex says he didn't have the guy beat up. Marge is ticked that she didn't get to ask the question first. Lex's alibi for his own whereabouts is that he was at home. She brings up the encounter in the parking lot and says that offering flowers and a ride home isn't criminal behavior. Boy, she really doesn't watch the Lifetime Network. Lex is annoyed with Marge and hopes her professional instincts lead her in the right direction. I dunno. Those instincts must compete with feline proclivities. Marge warns that she'll stay in touch. A bloody, bruised Paul is wheeled down the hallway. He gives Lex a half smile.

Outside The Talon, Clark is indeed in the orange vest, picking up trash. The marquee sign says something about "so fresh you'll want to slap it." Huh? Lex comes out with two cups of coffee. Before Lex can even say anything, Clark warns him not to start. He's already been getting teased by fellow students. Lex offers Clark the coffee and asks if that's violating parole. Mmm, prison sex. Clark tells Lex about the pending lawsuit and how the frat guy could "literally take the farm." For once, Lex doesn't offer up his team of lawyers. Clark complains that someone can just come into your life out of the blue and muck things up. Yeah, you never really learn that lesson until about the fortieth time it happens to you. Lex tells Clark not to worry about Lana: "Let's just say the crouching tigress is about to find her hidden dragon." I hope those residual checks are mighty huge for reading lines like that.

Lair of Lex. Lana, in her skimpy workout clothes, is trying to punch a big boxing bag that Lex is humping from behind. Lana complains that she can't even get the bag to move. Lex has a little nose and upper lip sweat going. Lex says it's not about size. It's about decisiveness and speed. He's already convinced Clark of this. Lex is wearing gloves with the fingers cut off. You go, Judd Nelson. He comes around and puts his hands under Lana's elbows and tells her she has to put her whole body into it. Lana punches. Lex tells her to channel all her anger. Lana says she's not as angry as Lex is. "Of course not," Lex says, doing a little comedic take. Lex taunts Lana, using the frat boys as bait. He brings up the shoving. He brings up how Clark is always saving her. Lana's punches get stronger and stronger. She punches, punches, and kicks. I want her to do the down/back, down, down/forward circle for the fireball move. She concludes with a kick. Lex is pleased. The loud techno music playing over the scene ends. It's not exactly Matrix Reloaded, is it?

More trash duty. Clark picks up a tiny bag of Lay's potato chips with his stick-spear. He notices Elderly Frat Guy coming out of a store across the street. He's in a neck brace and using a cane. Clark, against all of our better judgment, goes over for a word. Fratty Oldman warns Clark that he's not supposed to come within five hundred feet. "Danica's Hair Shop" is one of the stores on the block. Clark gets in front of Fratty and says they both made mistakes. Clark says that the lawsuit could ruin his family. He asks Fratty to leave them out of it. An SUV pulls up across the street and honks. "I'll see you in court," Fratty says through gritted teeth and slit eyes. He tells Clark that if he violates the restraining order again, he'll have the sheriff all over his ass. Emphasis on "ass." Fratty gets into the SUV. He and his buddies are all giggles. Clark uses his x-ray vision and sees Fratty take off the brace in the car and drink a Cold One.

The Barnness of Tortitude. Clark is looking at some neck x-rays, doing his requisite scientific research for whatever problem is going on that week. Chloe comes in. She takes off her overshirt and is wearing more beads than a "Bedazzler" infomercial on her undershirt. Clark says that Fratty's faking. Chloe says that, as a defendant, Clark's claim won't hold much water. Clark says he saw the guy take his neck brace off. Chloe says she'll help. Or, she suggests, they can send Lana to beat the guy up. Clark is uncomfortable. Chloe says it's just a joke. She says Clark doesn't seem impressed that Lana is turning all Charlie's Angel on them. Clark is worried Lana will get overconfident. Chloe says that Clark, as a guy, has no idea what it's like to cross the street at night with footsteps behind you when you're a woman. Chloe says that if getting a little "girl power" makes Lana feel like less of a victim, Clark should be in favor of it. You go, Chloe! Clark supposes that's true. Chloe guesses that if Lana learns to defend herself, she might not need Clark anymore. True dat, too.