Witness

Before we start with this episode, I would like to offer the following:

"Al and Miles: A Lament"

O, Al and Miles!
Why the wrath?
Why the Lana?
Why so pink?
Do you dream of electric preternaturally pretty sheep?
Do you hate me so?
Do you wish to make me hate in equal measure?
O, Al,
O, Miles
O, why "Witness"?
This crap's gotta stop, y'all.
The flaming ass isn't fooling anybody.

And, I feel better now. We start the episode with...aw, shit, I forgot about this. Clark and Lana. Whoop-de-freakin'-do. They're at the ornately decorated Talon, which seems to have stolen some Egyptian items from the Metropolis museum. Clark is thrilled to be asking Lana about an equestrian show. He says he didn't realize how important it was to Lana. She's boring, Clark. How could an equestrian show not be interesting to her? So, I got a new TV, but no high definition tuner. I like to think here's a better version of Smallville on the other end of that HDTV tuner. Lana says she's excited about the equestrian show because her biological dad, Henry Diminutive, will be there along with some lady he's married to. Clark asks how the father/daughter thing is going. Ew. I get spam like that all the time. Lana says it's going great, but she's really vague about what constitutes "great." Does Henry lend you his car? Does he let you wear makeup? Less makeup than usual, perhaps? Lana gives Clark a bottle of ketchup to open and says she's optimistic about her fatherly future. "You deserve to be happy," Clark says, over ketchup.

The person Clark doesn't think deserves to be happy is Chloe, who walks up wearing something from the back of Stevie Nicks's closet. There's orange and a green scarf and Chloevage. It hurts my eyes. Chloe goes behind Clark to make him avert his gaze and his ketchup from Lana, and asks what happened to him. She says that Clark had a story due -- an article about the debate team. That's way more exciting than horses. Clark says he got caught up helping Lana. With ketchup. Chloe looks away and says that the story is already late. Like this recap. She says she had to print the lunch menu in 60-point type. Now, that's just physically impossible. Chloe implies that the student body will care about that. I worked at a high-school paper. They won't. Lana tries to take the blame, but Chloe won't let her. Chloe says she doesn't blame Lana. She glares at Clark. Clark looks mildly amused. Ass. (And we'll get to that ass later.) Lana excuses herself and thanks Clark for his help. Clark watches Lana go (he hates to see her leave, but he loves to watch her go) with a goofy grin and says he'll make it up to Chloe. He promises. Chloe points out Clark's shit record on promises. Clark asks what the big deal is about one story. Just ask the debate team. They're dying for publicity! I listened to them argue that point. Chloe says that Clark couldn't give up one riding stint with Lana. Clark tries to make it not about Lana. He didn't get the email about how the show is All About Lana. Even Eve is jealous. Chloe says that Clark is never there when she needs him. Clark asks if she's being a little harsh. Nope. Chloe says she's never a priority to Clark; she's just a backup. Clark finally has had enough truth for one day and says that if that's how Chloe feels, maybe he should just quit. Chloe agrees. "Fine. I quit," says Clark. Chloe suddenly looks hurt. She rubs her temple and face. You're so much better than this episode, Chloe.

Dark road at night. Some Tim Roth-lookin' dude is driving a white van. Two sets of legs are walking down the road. Creepy music plays. The feet turn, and we see that whomever those two sets of feet belong to are holding crossbows. Crossbows? Am I watching Xena by accident? The two street punks are wearing shiny alien masks that remind me of the cool PC cases that Alienware makes. Mmmm, Alienware. The two "aliens" stand facing the approaching van. They spread out. They let the van pass between them as Poor Man's Tim Roth looks at them, confused. They turn and shoot their crossbows at the van. Each of them nails a side of the van. They pull and somehow manage to flip the van so that it lands upside down. Huh? It looked like they each hit the side of the van. Wouldn't that just strip side of the van off? Did they each hit an axle or something? They delight in having flipped the van, and run over to it. An SUV approaches to help them. Just then, Clark drives up in the red truck. He comes over to see what evildoing is...um, doing. The alien dudes tell Clark to get away from them. Clark tries to grab one of them. He sees that one of them has a class ring. I can't tell from the lighting, but I think it's one of those red class rings that makes people fun. It must be that because the guy is able to shove Clark away. Clark comes back, and another guy grabs part of the van and swings it at Clark. Clark goes flying, and not in the good way. He lands in some planks. Clark x-rays and notices that one of the aliens seems to have a rectangular strip of something in his skull. The three guys load something from the van onto the waiting SUV as Clark watches. They drive off. Clark just sits there. Maybe he wants to enjoy the opening credits, which follow.

The In-Laws is my choice for "most painful to watch" trailer of the summer movie season. Albert Brooks, you had better have a good excuse for this one. And stop yelling. It hurts me.

Kent Farm at night. There's a tractor out front with the letters "MF" on the side. Sexy muthafuckin' tractor? In the Barnness of Whatthefuckhappened?-tude, Bo and Clark are trying to come up with some answers to the crossbow débacle. Clark is stunned because "it hurt. It actually hurt." Welcome to my world, Clark. Bo asks what Clark told the police. Clark says he booked it before they arrived. Bo says that Clark witnessed a crime. Clark says he was afraid to incur the wrath of Sheriff Fancy Feast. And Clark's ID of the guy's plate in his head wouldn't be easily explained. Clark also noticed that the guy had a class ring, so he must go to Smallville High. Bo and Clark share a moment over that earthshattering revelation.

High-school hallway. Sneaky Pete is writing something on the inside of his locker door and explaining that just because the guy has a class ring doesn't mean he's a current student. Clark is squinting at everyone who walks by, and we hear the x-ray vision sound effect. Clark probably tells people that he just had LASIK. Lana walks by just then, stops, gives Clark a smile, and walks into a classroom. Pete acknowledges the Lana ship finally coming in for Clark. It's a pink ship with a broken rudder that makes it sail in circles. Pete says he's never seen Lana so happy. Clark attributes it to Lana's biological daddy "stepping up." It's good to do that, even if it is more than sixteen years after he "spermed up." Better late step than never step. Clark sees a thick blond guy at a lock in a letterman jacket. He's Zachery Ty Bryan from the Home Improvement brood that also produced Jonathan Taylor Thomas, but since I never really watched that show, I don't recognize him. Clark x-rays him and sees the telltale metal plate in his head. "Pete. Who's that guy?" Clark asks. Like Pete hasn't heard that before. Pete says that Clark needs to pick up a sports page. Clark seems very intent on that sports page.

Baseball field. A huge "Home of the Crows" sign is up, and we see Mr. Home Not So Improved Since I Can't Remember It wearing a baseball helmet and wielding a bat. He uses an asthma inhaler full of what looks like a Midori sour and inhales it. Nobody seems to notice. He asks for some heat. Across the plate. A coach puts some heat into a pitching machine. Sammy So-So hits it. Outta the park! Holy cow! It lands hard on the ground to Pete and Clark, who are on the outside of the baseball field fence. "Nice swing," Clark says. And he knows from swingin'. Pete breathlessly informs Clark that Sammy So-So has the highest batting average in Smallville history. Pete says that Sammy helped the school to attract scouts, and to get corporate sponsorship. Of course, this is strange because the guy used to suck. "What do you mean?" Clark asks, suddenly all curious. Pete says that they used to play in Little League together. Don't ball players usually get better after Little League? Clark asks how he went from "zero to hero." Yes, folks, you too can be a writer for the show if you can come up with gems like that. Clark suggests that the guy may be using drugs of some sort. Sammy spots Clark and Pete with an open-mouthed look that can only be described as "touched by God," as some people like to say in the South. (As in, "That boy's a little slow. He's got a bit of 'The Touch,' if you know what I mean.") Sammy sends a ball flying right toward Clark and Pete. It hits the scoreboard and sends sparks flying. Clark is all, "I can do that." Sammy smiles and snorts in the direction of Clark and Pete.

Lair of Lex. Lex, in a black pullover, walks into his office. "Leeeexxxx," we hear someone purr. I know that purr! It's Papa Luthor! Yay! I didn't even realize how much I'd missed him. He's standing up on the second level where he was shot a while back. Lex says he thought they'd agreed to keep face-to-face contact to a minimum. Papa Luthor says he came on social biz: to offer congratulations on the engagement. Fruit baskets and those cheese and sausage sets from Hickory Farm are also nice. Just sayin'. Papa Luthor says he's sad he had to hear about it via the gossip in the tabloids. Lex is amused that Papa Luthor has taken an interest in his personal happiness. "And where is..." Papa Luthor asks before Lex says, "Helen." "Hell-En," Papa Luthor over enunciates. Why does he wanna know? Is he gonna sleep with her? Hey, there's a Ty Nant bottle at the bar! Lex says that Dr. Dropkick is out of town at a medical conference. He implies that she'd kick Papa Luthor's ass if she were around. Lex has had enough small talk. He passes over a piece of paper with an article from the Smallville High Torch. Mmm, nice color printing job. "Hijacked truck linked to Luthorcorp," the headline reads. The article was written by Chloe. Papa Luthor tsk tsks that Lex would take stock in what a high-school newspaper writes. Hey, that 60-point lunch menu is pretty damned accurate. Lex says he did some checking on his own and found out that it's true. Especially the part about the Salisbury steak. Lex asks what Papa is moving around in the middle of the night in unmarked trucks. "Nothing out of the ordinary," Papa says. The Magnificent Daddy Bastard turns the accusations around and says he'd hate to think Lex is resorting to "common thuggery." Although the crossbows were a very Lex touch. Lex is amused by the accusation. Papa chuckles. They're having way too much fun here. Lex says that would be illegal. Papa Luthor says he would want his property returned. Lex gets serious. He says he had nothing to do with it. But he's intrigued that Papa Luthor came all the way over to discuss it. He asks what's in the truck. Papa just takes a drink and tells Lex to give his regards to...and then he doesn't refer to her by name. So wrong.

The Talon. I can't tell if the shirt Lana is wearing is pink, exactly (it actually looks an unnatural purple), but it looks like something Beck would wear. As she's serving drinks, her biological daddy comes in. She's happy to see him. She goes to get him a regular coffee, no additives. Apparently, Mr. Small has been coming to the Talon a lot lately. Maybe he's trying to drum up legal business from frat boys who've been tossed thirty feet into police cruisers. Unbearable father-daughter banter follows. Yeah, yeah, they love each other now. We get it. Lana gives a pamphlet to her Small dad. It shows where the family seating is for the horse show. Lana says she reserved seats for Henry and his wifey. He says he'll definitely be there. Lana catches that his wife won't be there. Henry gets a pained look. He tries to make excuses for her, but it's obvious that the woman doesn't like Lana. Henry's wife is more in tune with show viewers than anyone else on this show is. Henry says she'll come around. We devote a full five seconds of screen time to Lana's fluctuating facial expressions at that.

A computer screen with a page from the front page of the Smallville Ledger. It's got a picture of Sammy So-So with the headline "Chemistry Lab Explosion." Can I buy a verb for the Ledger, please? Clark reads that Sammy used to be an honors chemistry student. He was in an explosion at Kansas State University chemistry camp. This one time, at chemistry camp, I became a Krypto-villain. Clark surmises that's how the guy got the plate in his head. Ya think? Pete asks why the guy knocked over (literally) a Luthorcorp truck. Chloe walks in wearing a somber jacket. She says she thought Clark quit the Torch. Clark says he's cleaning his desk. Pete didn't know about this. "Apparently I can't be counted on," Clark says, in a wholly assholish way that somehow implies that this is Chloe's fault. Fuck you, Clark. Fuck you blue, man. "I didn't know quitting was an option," Pete says. Chloe is standing right to him. "Funny," she says, bitterly. Pete ruins that by saying, "Tough crowd," and excusing himself. Chloe notices the printouts. What is up with her shirt? It looks like some hoodlums spraypainted her with a mural. Chloe asks why Pete and Clark are interested in Sammy. Clark says it doesn't matter. Chloe tries to reason with Clark. "All I do is disappoint you," Clark says. No, all you do is blow deadlines and moon over the robot girl. Chloe points out that Clark drops everything for Lana with no regard for anyone else. "I thought this wasn't about Lana," Clark says. Chloe says that it's not. Clark says that whenever he's with Lana, Chloe looks at him like he's cheating on her. Chloe stops, hurt, and then backs up and says that Clark is wrong and that if that's what he thinks, maybe they shouldn't hang out anymore. Chloe really needs to stop making ultimatums, because Clark is too stupid to dismiss them like a sane person would. Clark grabs his shit and leaves. Chloe isn't happy.

Prelude to a flaming ass. Clark notices Sammy driving off from the baseball field. He follows. We see Sammy pull up to a warehouse. Inside, there's fire, the yellow SUV from before, and thugs at work on Powerade-looking meteor-rock juice. Sammy's boys are getting ready to take their product to the streets. Sammy says he needs some for when a major league scout comes out to see him. "Well then, you can make the batch," says one of his sidekicks. Sammy uses some metal tongs to grab a cup, and places it in the huge fire. Outside, Clark sees two of the young toughs leave He sneaks inside. He watches Sammy pour his green goo into vials. But, of course, Clark gets caught from behind. (Isn't that always the way?) Clark can't break free from their grips, so they must be under the kryptonite influence. Sammy takes off his gloves and comes over. Clark accuses him of robbing the truck. Sammy slurps down some liquid rock through his inhaler. He breaths out green vapor. He punches Clark square in the face. Ow. Clark's lip is bleeding. Sammy gives a speech about having everything he wants and not giving it up for anyone. Oh, and he adds that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is totally gay, by the way. Sammy notices that Clark has seen their huge supply of enhancement drinks. Clark says he knows what the stuff can do to people. Sammy isn't having it. He throws Clark against a wall. The toughs pick Clark up. They're not happy that Clark knows their secret. Sammy opens the door to the mill fire pit. It's hot! They throw Clark in there, face first. They close the door, gather their stuff, and get out of the there. Very dramatic music plays. In the foundry fire, we see a hand touch a window. Then the door of the thing blows out. Fire! A naked figure walks out, bare foot first on the ground. Close-up on Clark, who has some burns on his face. The burns fade away as he heals. We go behind Clark and see his naked torso and ass licked by the hot flames behind him. It's...an ass...An ass...of FIRE! Behold the great Clark ass fire of total flaming greatness! I don't care who looks at whom in this episode. This is the Gayest Anything of the Episode.

Speaking of ass: Papa John's pizza. 'Nuff said.

Kent kitchen. Clark walks in like the whole flaming ass thing never even happened. Sure, Clark. Be that way. We will never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget it. If you become the greatest actor of your generation and go all Tom Hanks and accept your fifth Academy Award fifty years from now, we'll still talking about that fire-and-the-ass shot. By the way, Clark is now wearing some sort of gray jumpsuit. Bo (who was pouring some milk) and MamaKent go over to find out why their son looks like he works on an airport tarmac. Clark explains how the guys "jumped him." I doubt Bo even wants to hear about this. "Clark, you still couldn't stop them?" Bo asks, putting an arm on his son's sooty shoulder. I don't think Clark was trying very hard, if you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do. Bo tells them about the Kryptonite bars and how they were similar to the ones in Papa Luthor's safe. Oh, now you want continuity. It's all about you isn't it? You and Lana. Bo asks what they're doing with Kryptonite. Clark says they're melting it down and inhaling it. So this is basically "Rush," just with 100% less Jocko Whitney, right? MamaKent suggests calling the cops. Clark says that the police can't do anything. Bo picks up the phone. Clark says that he was overpowered, and that if there had been Kryptonite in the furnace, he wouldn't be there right now. However, that wouldn't matter with Lana, now, would it? (Thinks evil thoughts.) MamaKent says they can't let their concern for Clark's secret intimidate them into silence. Isn't that exactly what they've been doing for two seasons? Bo says maybe there's another way. Hmmm. I wonder that what that could be.