Kids These Days

S02E14

By Omar G

So check it out: I'm gonna be in Vancouver late this week. I tried to wrangle up a set visit through the usual WB channels (which as you may recall from the Al Gough interview, can take a few months longer than you'd expected), but the official word on my visit is that it's a no-go. If you're on the crew or an actor or an upper-up and want to hook a brother up, feel free to email me. I think I need to see, with my own eyes, Lex in Effect.

We open with a sleek blue car prowling the night and arriving somewhere with loud techno music. Every time I hear techno music now, I always think of "The System is Down" from homestarrunner.com. Funny stuff. There's also cool airstrip-style red lights and a big green cross-looking thing out in the middle of nowhere. People are hooting and a bunch of cars are parked. So Smallville has a night life? I am shocked and amazed. How often is it on this show that we see teenagers actually acting like teenagers and not slaving away over angst and coffee, or heat-visioning toast? The car parks and Chloe get out of the passenger side. She's got her hair pulled back on both sides and it actually looks really cute. She's grinning. Pete emerges from the driver's side. When did he get a new car? That insurance money from when his car blew up last week sure did kick in fast. He says he can't believe this. Chloe says this is cool: a rave in a cave. Pete's not pleased. He asks why Chloe didn't tell him it was gonna be there. I guess the name, "Rave in a Cave," didn't tip him off. Ungh thunk ungh thunk, woot toot toot toot! "The system is down!" Hee. Chloe says she didn't know; she just downloaded the directions on "The Internet." I've heard of that! As they walk past parked cars and headlights, Pete says that Clark is gonna go crazy. Clark asks what's up with Clark and his obsession with the caves. "I don't know. I think Kyla [from "Skinwalker"] really got to him," Pete says. It may be dark, but a bright shining light splays down from the heavens, illuminating all that is good in a one-mile radius. It's the great and powerful beam of Continuity. And it is Good. Pete whips out his cell to let Clark know about the party. Chloe stops him. She says the caves have been around hundreds of years: "I don't think a little Moby is gonna hurt them." I still say Moby should have this huge, deep, gravelly voice given his name. When he speaks, he shouldn't sound like the guy who does your parents' taxes. Chloe and Pete go inside. Somebody in the background is jumping rope badly. It's hilarious.

Inside the cave. LOUD! Cave paintings from "Skinwalker." Thunk, thunk, wonk, wonk, boom boom, yeaow yeaow. Party people in the cave going nuts. Folks are dancing. Lights are set up everywhere. This is the first enjoyable thing I've seen to do in town all season. Ba-dank ba-dank, donk, donk, diggie donk. I can't tell you how fun it is to type that. More cave paintings. How tribal. Donk donk, diggie donk. Chloe and Pete walk inside slowly. Give in to the groove, Pete! It's all you, baby! Pete goes straight to a couple that's kissing. He interrupts them and tells them to step back off the walls. "The paintings!" he says. They ignore him and go back to kissing. Chloe smiles. She tells him she doesn't think they care about the cave paintings. "These pictographs are sacred!" Pete says. Pete is suddenly Mr. Natural Preservation. Chloe goes back to the couple and tells them that the clay doesn't wash out of your clothes. The couple disperses even though the guy's not even wearing a shirt. Chloe says you've got to hit them where it hurts. Now that that's resolved, Pete is free to bob his head about the cabin. There's a DJ spinning. Wonka wonka, thong thong. "Never gonna come back down!" the music blares. "The system is down!" A straight-up nerd, circa 1987, in a little sweater vest and huge glasses, comes up and kisses Chloe right on the mouth. "Travis! What are you doing?" she asks. He looks more like a "Trevor" than a "Travis." He's all sweaty and Bill Gates-lookin'. He says he's taking his shot. "I always through you were hot!" he says, giddily. Chloe says he's wasted. He says he's just high on life. And asthma inhalant. "Woooooo!" he goes and, because I too was once El Nerdo, I have to laugh in appreciation. Travis the Nerd goes off and starts climbing some metal stands. Pete comes over and asks if Chloe was making out with her Chem partner. Travis has climbed up and has the crowd on his side. He keeps going as Chloe and Pete yell after him to come down. No way, baby. The system may be down, but The Travis is up! Everybody hoots and hollers while Travis does a one-handed rolling motion. Too. Funny. Travis goes even higher. Pete, in vain, yells again. Crane shot of Travis living large up there. Pete, for no reason, goes and stands by himself with his back to a cave wall drawing. We cut to a shot from inside a crevice. We can see the back of Pete's neck. Pete looks around. "I'm invincible!" poor Travis says as he leaps, belly-flop-style, from the rafter. But are you a Golden God? Just as Travis lands crunchily, something bites Pete on the neck. He goes, "Aggh!" and grabs at his nape. Chloe looks at Travis in horror. He's flat and bloody on the ground. Goodbye, Travis. Pete goes from an expression of hurt to pure elation. The Pete is back up! Oh yeah. Pete's groovin' now. Watch out, ladies. Sloppy zoom in on the crevice that blurs to black. Opening credits. I'm thinking Clark must have a strict "No saving nerds" policy, or he would have been there rescuing Travis.

Clark is walking down the street reading the front page of the Smallville Ledger. The main headline reads, "Local Teen Dies in Cave Rave." A downpage above-the-fold headline reads, "Presidential Focus: Strength Through Unity." Oh, this show must be a fantasy after all. Clark turns around in time to see a motorcycle approaching on the sidewalk. People part ways to avoid getting run over. The bike jumps over a little triangular sign, brakes, and stops in a turn right in front of Clark. It's Pete, who's taken his off-roading on to the main road. And, um, the sidewalk. A woman drops her groceries. Clark asks if Pete is nuts. Pete says he's taking a little spin. "Driving like a wild man! Without a helmet!" Clark whines. Clark needs to just go ahead and join AARP. Go to bed, old man! Clark says that Pete could have hurt someone. Or himself. Pete says that's a rush. Unnecessary camera spin. As Pete inspects his bike, Clark says he heard about what happened at the caves. Clark says he's sorry he wasn't there to back them up. Yes, Clark is backup to Chloe's and Pete's own superhuman skills. Pete spouts something about how the moment you're most alive is right before you die. Unless you're lying on the ground with the blood spilling slowly out of you. I'm not sure that axiom applies then. Pete says at least Travis had that. It's Trevor! No, wait. It is Travis. My bad. Clark asks if Pete's feeling okay. Pete says he's fine. Clark says that if Pete wants to talk, Clark's there for him. Pete chuckles and says that all Clark does is talk. For a guy who can't get hurt, Pete says, Clark never takes any risks. Clark, called on his shit, seems a little uncomfortable. He says that's not true. The poor woman in the background is picking up her groceries. Pete asks about Lana and why Clark doesn't take his shot with her now that "Fordman is toast." Ooh, the Jocko Whitney disses just keep on coming. Pete points, and there's Lana across the street, outside The Talon. She smiles at Clark and goes inside. Clark points out that Jocko Whitney was Pete's friend. More continuity? Why, thank you! Clark says it's not so easy to just go up and ask Lana out. Pete asks if it's because Clark's afraid to share his secret. Jeez, which one? Pete says Clark shared the secret with him and they're "still cool." Clark says that's different. Pete counters that Clark's just afraid Lana will shut him down. "You only go around once," he says. "Forget the past." What is this, Rent now? No day but today, Clark! Pete revs his bike, bounces up and down, and advises Clark to focus on the future. He does a skidding turnaround and drives off. Pete does a wheelie as he goes, and people on the sidewalk scatter. Clark looks over at The Talon like it's Mount Everest. He makes some sort of wussy tentative decision and starts walking over. The Talon marquee reads, "Espresso for your morning rush." After I drink espresso in the morning, I rush right to the bathroom.

Inside The Talon, Clark brushes off his brown jacket (which I like much better than his red one) and spots Lana on the floor, chalking out some items on a menu stand. She breaks her chalk or something and looks flustered for a second, then, in all seriousness, asks if Clark heard about Travis/Trevor. "Yeah, pretty sad, huh?" Clark says. Lana says that the police think he might have been on something. Sparkling white grape soda? Lana says you never know when something like that's gonna happen, and that's the only explanation, and you never know when your time is up. Is she taking Bo Duke's Platitude Correspondence Course? Clark wisely says nothing. Lana, in a completely unexpected and uncharacteristic move, suddenly changes the subject to herself and how her guidance counselor said she needs to embrace the future. "Carpe diem," she says, in much the same way she enthuses about Neutrogena. Lana says she thought about that and decided she doesn't want to be a spectator in her own life. As she says this, she walks behind the counter to be a spectator in customers' much more interesting lives. Clark agrees. He nods a tiny bit and says, "We should go on a date." Lana looks up. "Together," Clark says. Oh, well that's totally different. "In the near future," Clark adds. Now, that's completely out. Lana asks if Clark is serious. No. He's Clark. Clark says he was serious. He starts to wuss out, though. "If you don't want to go..." he begins. "When?" Lana asks. Clark asks if she'll go. "Yeah," she says. Then she moves her head around a lot and smiles and says she's assuming that was the answer Clark was looking for. I know I should be happy for them, but have you ever had a friend who was so awkward that when they hooked up with another awkward person, it was like watching two trains crash into each other at 10 mph? Clark finally smiles and says he didn't think it would be that easy. Are you kidding? You just shit your pants! Lana says that all he had to do was ask. So let that be a lesson, WB boys. Clark asks if tomorrow would work. "Sounds like fun," Lana says. But is it as fun as a cave rave? Thonk thonk thonk thonk, "The System is Down!" Clark says, "All right. It's a date." "Okay," Lana says. Damn, is this scene still going? Long pause. Clark walks out, smiling. Lana turns her head around and then whips it really fast to the right in glee.

Funky blue cave drawing. Amid trash and rave lights, Clark starts picking up refuse. A flashlight shines on him. It's Lex! It's not like Lex to shine a long, shiny beam of brilliance at Clark. At least, not lately. "Lex. I didn't see you," Clark says. But did you feel him? Lex says not to bother with the trash. He's sending in a maintenance crew. "Looks like it was quite a bash," Lex says. Who, besides Tenacious D in one of their songs, still says "bash"? Is he sad he didn't get invited? Clark says that Pete tried to break it up. Lex says he's sure it was a noble effort, but not many teenagers are interested in 500-year-old cave paintings. Looking up at the paintings, Lex asks about Clark's interest in the caves. Clark asks what he means. Lex says that when he fired the security guard that morning, he asked who else the guy had let in the caves; Clark had been there almost every morning. Clark's a cave dweller. Lex gives Clark a long look. "You wouldn't be keeping secrets from me, would you, Clark?" Clark says Kyla died protecting the caves, and that he's doing a term paper on the drawings. It's called, "Oh, Behave! How to Save the Cave from a Rave." Lex looks down at Clark's backpack, but more importantly at Clark's ass. Oh yes. Juicy. Lex puts his hand deep into Clark's fold (the backpack fold) and pulls out a book. Deciphering the Mysteries of Hieroglyphics By Dr. Friedrich Walden. "Friedrich" is a very popular name on this show. "Sounds like a real page-turner," Lex says. Well, you read dusty-ass history books. Clark asks why Lex started the preservation project. "It's not like there's big business in caves," Clark says. Lex is planning to open a Wal-Mart there. To preserve roll-back prices and blue vests. "I like a good mystery," Lex says, "and this one promises to be fascinating." He asks if Clark agrees. Clark dodges the question and says he'd better get going. Lex says he told the new security guy that nobody may come down into the caves without Lex's permission. "Nobody except for Clark Kent, of course," Lex says. It's their secret hideaway now. Clark exits, leaving Lex to point his flashlight at something else.

Talon. Lana is arranging some flowers in a tiny vase. Chloe walks up. She says she didn't hear Lana leave that morning. Lana says she had to be at The Talon first thing. Chloe says that if she didn't know any better, she'd say Lana was avoiding her. Based on leaving early just one morning? Single White Female much, Chloe? Lana says that's just how she copes. She keeps working on the flowers compulsively. Chloe says she doesn't want to be one of those annoying girls who says she's there to talk if you need her, but...she is. Lana says she appreciates it and then backs away, rear-electric-sliding toward the kitchen entrance. Chloe desperately says that if Lana wants to go do some serious shopping, they can go to Metropolis the day. Chloe says that her dad is willing to join the conspiracy and get them out of school early. As she gathers stuff, Lana says that would be great, but she already has plans. Chloe asks what kind of plans. Lana says that Clark asked her out on a date. Chloe looks worried. She says she thought Lana and Clark had given up on "the mating dance." Ew. "Yeah, yeah, me too," Lana says. She just wants out of this conversation. "But you still said yes," Chloe presses. Hey, Lana didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition! ("Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is green meteorite, green meteorite and cheese, cheese and meteorite, our two chief weapons...look, I'll come in again.") Lana begins to say that if this is weird for Chloe... Chloe says her feelings for Clark are so ancient, they're... She struggles to finish the bon mot: "They're fossilized," Chloe concludes. Chloe laughs a little and then says, "Seriously, you should go for it." Lana asks if Chloe's sure. "Lana, does it really matter what I think?" Chloe asks. So. Manipulative. Chloe says if she were in Lana's position, she'd do the same thing. "Don't let me be your excuse," Chloe says. And it's kind of a mean thing to say, giving Lana a generous portion of Truth, but Lana more than deserves it. Lana smiles sadly and says she's glad they cleared the air. From where I sit, it looks they just let loose some toxic chemicals into the air. Chloe says she'll see Lana later that night, and leaves.

Kent Farm mailbox. Inside the house, Bo Duke and MamaKent are talking about money issues as Clark comes down the stairs. They're talking about stuff like scholarships. To wit: "A scholarship would be great," Bo says heartily. Clark asks what they're doing. Bo, looking at some brochures, says that now that they have the farm finances under control (they do?), they're trying to figure out how they're going to pay for Clark's college. Strong Man Contests? Human Tractor Pulls? Eye-to-Eye LASIK surgeries? "If you ever graduate from high school," MamaKent says snarkily. Bo says that Principal Asskick called and said Clark's been chronically late. It would be funny if he was late because of The Chronic. Bo says Asskick asked if there was some emergency at the farm. He takes a sip from the bovine cup, the one that always runneth over. Clark drinks a tall glass of OJ instead and says he's been spending some time at the caves. Bo says he knows how much they mean to Clark, but until he clears things up at school, he doesn't want Clark going down there. "No, Dad!" Clark says, getting up from his chair a little. Bo cuts him off and tells him not to argue. Bo says he wants Clark's butt in the house every day after school. Just his butt? I don't know that anyone has discounted butt separation as a future superpower. "Just give me till tomorrow," Clark says. "No," Bo fires back. "It's really important," Clark growls. MamaKent asks what's up. "I've got a date," he says. And under his breath as he gets up, "With Lana." MamaKent and Bo look at each other with astonishment. "A study date?" Bo asks. Way to cut the willie off your son, Bo. "An actual date," Clark says. MamaKent totally leaps into action, whispering urgently to Bo that they have to let him go. It's hilarious. Clark half-smiles. Bo makes Clark promise to get his chores and homework done before he goes. MamaKent beams. So does Clark. "Absolutely," he says. Bo agrees. "Thanks, Mom," Clark says, and goes off. Bo bellows for Clark to tell Pete to stop cutting donuts out in the field. "He's scaring the cattle!" Bo yells. I (heart) that line.

House of Lex. A nerd guy with a really thin, tall face, reminiscent of Beaker's from The Muppets, pulls a book from a shelf. Lex, wearing a smart dark shirt, walks in and thanks the guy for coming on such short notice. When you're providing that level of pleasure, there's no need for thanks, Lex. It turns out it's the professor who wrote the hieroglyphics book Clark was reading it. The professor says it's not often he's offered his weekly rate for a ten-minute consultation. He says he can't take on any new "endeavors" at this time. No one nice that I know calls stuff that they do "endeavors." Lex asks when the professor can start. "year," he says snidely. Lex asks if he can start tomorrow. Professor Snideface says he's going to Chile. I bet he's just going to Chili's for some southwestern chicken alfredo. Lex says he's sure Snideface can postpone his trip. Snideface says it's out of the question. I hate him and his snide face. "If you want the foremost authority in a field," Snideface says, as if talking to a deaf, dumb, and legless dog pulling a sled carrying a small, retarded child with scoliosis and bad dandruff, "you learn to wait." Lex says that, in his experience, when you want the best, you simply pay them what they're worth. Lex hands over a check. He should just keep oversized Publisher's Clearinghouse-sized checks behind his desk to make it a little more dynamic. Snideface says that rich men with delusions of grandeur rarely sway him with a checkbook. He tears up the check. See? He couldn't have done that so easily with a 5-foot-by-12-foot check. Lex hands over a brown envelope. "Does this sway you?" he asks. Snideface starts flipping through some photos of the cave drawings. After looking at two, he can already tell that they're "quite unique." He says it doesn't appear to be Native North American. "Or Mayan, for that matter," he says. Damn! I was hoping Clark and I might be related. He looks closely at the drawing of the snake wrapped around the figure that Clark is supposed to represent. I think the origins may be Pacific Northwestern Production Design Department. "These are. Amazing," Snideface says.

Chloe at The Torch. Clark, with a red backpack slung on his shoulder, asks if Chloe's seen Pete. Chloe says she asked him to help with a memorial issue, but he blew her off. Clark says that Pete's acting strange and that Travis/Trevor's death must have really gotten to him. Chloe says Pete tried to save him but couldn't get there in time. When did that happen? She says he feels guilty. Clark says it doesn't seem like it, and Chloe counters that people deal with grief in different ways. Chloe asks if Clark has any big plans for the weekend. Clark blows some air, but doesn't answer the question. Chloe turns away and goes to some files, upset. Clark asks about Travis/Trevor's death and the investigation. Chloe says the autopsy report was inconclusive, but that they found a small puncture wound on the back of his neck. It was where you pull the Nerd String to make him talk. She says his adrenal gland was unusually enlarged. That sounds pretty conclusive, from a medical standpoint. Clark says, so smartly, that adrenaline gives you a rush and maybe that's why he jumped. Chloe says he wasn't the only one who died. Someone from Grandville and someone from Smallville Community College (motto: Teaching the Rampaging Krypto-Mutants of Tomorrow) died. One dove into an empty pool and the other hit a tree with his Toyota. She says they had the same puncture wound, same enlarged adrenal gland, and exhibited the same strange behavior. That sounds like a pretty solid connection. Where are the police? I know they just lost a sheriff (sniff), but damn. Get the FBI up in this bitch. Clark says it's like they all had a death wish. Chloe says the police think it might be a new designer drug. Nerdstasy. She asks if Clark thinks Pete might have been affected. Clark says he needs to get Pete to a hospital. He leaves. Chloe is all sad.

Outside The Talon at night. Clark is heading over there when he hears someone yell, "Yo, Clark!" Clark looks across the street and it's Pete on top of a yellow Jeep, acting the fool. "What's up?" Pete yells. Clark tells Pete to get down from there. Is standing on a Jeep really that dangerous? Clark says he has to get Pete to the hospital, and that he thinks something happened to him at the rave. Pete says he'll be right there. He sees a big bus approaching. Uh oh. Pete hops in front of the speeding bus. "Nooooo!" Clark yells. He superzips over (without anyone on the street noticing) and pushes Pete out of the way. They fall to the ground together. Clark asks if Pete is okay. "Oh yeah!" Pete bellows. He says he wants to do it again. As people gather, Clark tries to drag Pete to the hospital. Pete insists he feels GAH-reat! Pete gets mad when Clark tries to pull him again, and says that if Clark takes another step, Pete is gonna expose his secret to all the people watching them. Clark pulls on Pete again and Pete starts yelling, "He's an alien! He's an alien!" Given that Pete is acting like a cokehead, nobody's gonna believe him. Pete runs through the crowd. Clark stands there and looks embarrassed.

Back inside the caves, Clark and Chloe are looking for answers. Chloe asks if Pete ever got to the hospital or if he's as "needle-phobic" as Clark is. Clark says that Pete hasn't been around, and that even his parents don't know where to find him. Chloe asks what they're looking for in the caves. Clark says that a reporter friend of his always told him to explore all options. Chloe smiles sweetly at the shout-out. They start looking around for clues. Chloe takes a digital snap of one of the cave drawings. She notices a crevice and sticks her hand in. Ooh, bad idea. She comes away with some sticky green stuff on her hand. She looks deep into the crevice and we hear, "Hey!" It's Snideface. He tells Chloe the cave is off-limits. "Why don't you find somewhere else to make out?" he asks. Snidely. Chloe winces. Snideface asks if she's all right. Her expression changes to dark and dangerous. Chloe takes off her jacket and says that, as for his snide remark, people haven't made out down there since the 20th century. "Now back off," she says and physically makes him do so. Clark comes around a corner and recognizes his favorite linguist. "Aaaay!" he says, all Fonzie, and identifies the guy. "You wrote that book!" Clark says. "I've written many books," Snideface says, in the most condescending way possible. "Did Lex Luthor hire you?" Clark asks. Speak of the sexy devil. Lex walks in and says that, thanks to Clark, he did. Lex says he wants Snideface to translate the pictographs for the preservation effort. Snideface says that no guided tours are allowed. Lex tells Snideface that these are friends of his, and that he didn't realize the guy had accepted his offer. Snideface has, but they do things on his terms. First term: All jocks and bullies must be hazed by the nerd fraternity in memory of Travis/Trevor. Snideface doesn't allow anyone but his crew on a work site. And, of course, pictograph groupies. Clark says he's the one who found the caves. Snideface says he doesn't care if Clark discovered the Shroud of Turin. Heh. He says that if Lex is unhappy with his method, he can take the first flight to Chile. Those bacon potato skins are beckoning. Lex takes a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, Clark." Clark whines, "Lex, you can't do this!" Lex says that they have to respect the way the guy works. Clark is crestfallen. "Hey, you get down from there!" Snideface calls out. He's talking to Chloe, who is on an upper level, to a cave drawing. Clark calls her down, too. Chloe swings provocatively on the rock and shimmies down, smiling. Snideface asks why she's smiling and asks for her photos. "Take your own," she says. I'm liking Cool Chloe. He asks for clarification. "You're the cunning linguist," she says. "Why don't you translate this? Kiss. My. Ass." Best. Line. Ever. Snideface is stunned. He's not used to dealing with icky girls who aren't his students and aren't cowed by his aggressive intellect. Clark and Chloe leave. Lex seems amused.

At the Barnness of Impending Baditude, Clark throws his jacket and starts skimming through some CDs. He must be trying to compile the upcoming show soundtrack. Pete suddenly pops in. He's mad that the Kents called his folks. Clark tells him to calm down, but Pete mocks him. Mean Pete. Clark says he's trying to help. Pete says for a guy who values his privacy, Clark really likes to stick his nose in people's business. Clark does an x-ray vision of Pete's chest and sees a slug-looking little parasite running around his insides. Pete looks down and touches his chest. "You x-rayin' me?" he asks. Clark panics and says Pete has to come with him. "Try and touch me, you freak!" Pete yells. He says that because Clark has all those powers, he always gets his way. Have you been watching the show, Pete? Clark almost never gets his way. And he pouts about it. A lot. Pete says he knows Clark's weakness. He pulls out a small box with some green meteor rock. He flashes it at Clark. Clark buckles and falls to the ground. "Feels gooooood, doesn't it?" EvilPete gloats. Clark writhes and moans. Pete closes the box and runs off. Clark tells him to come back. Pete does, but only to yell, "I'm serious! Come near me again and I'll start selling tickets to your storm cellar!" He flashes the green rock again. Ow. Pete runs away for real this time.

Caves. Snideface has some laptops set up, and a crew. They've got a grid projected on the cave wall, and he's talking about baselines and crap. Lex shows up. He got a message. Snideface says that Lex has to see something with his own eyes. He shows Lex a parasite he caught. It's in a large jar of what appears to be urine or pickle juice. He shows Lex some writing near the crevice. He doesn't know what it says, but he thinks it's some kind of warning against intruders. Or it's the castle of "Aaaaauuuuggghhhh --" Lex looks at the parasite. They don't know if it's poisonous. Snideface says they destroyed the hive with liquid nitrogen. Lex wonders if the tribe put the buggers there to ward off intruders. Lex says he wants live specimens sent to Cadmus Labs in Metropolis. We get a close-up of a nasty parasite in what I imagine to be Moe the bartender's pickled egg jar.

Clark walks into The Torch. He's about to tell Chloe he needs something, but whoa, what's this? Chloe's making out with some Ryan Seacrest-lookin' dude. Chloe stops kissing and says she's done. Chloe, sporting mondo Chloeavage, walks over to her desk. The pretty boy asks for her phone number. "Why?" she says. "The thrill is gone." Pretty Boy walks past Clark, all dejected. You should work on that thrill thing, dude. Clark asks who that guy was. Chloe says she doesn't know; she met him in the hall and asked if he wanted to do some investigative reporting. He asks if Chloe's all right. She says, "Don't tell me you're jealous. I thought you only had eyes for Lana." She says she heard about Clark's date, but he didn't have the guts to tell her about it. Clark asks if that's what this is about. Chloe, who's wearing hot red, tells him not to flatter himself and that she's just exploring her options. "So what can I do for you?" she says, not taking her eyes off Clark and sucking on a big, red lollipop. Oh. My. Haltingly, Clark asks about the back-of-the-neck wound that Travis/Trevor had. More lollipop sucking. Is it a Chupa Chup? As she pulls the lollipop out of her mouth, Chloe asks what orifice Clark pulled that theory from. Clark says that's harsh. Chloe says Clark doesn't put the mute button on his skepticism when Chloe takes a logic leap. Clark explains the theory of a parasite wanting more and more adrenaline. Chloe asks if they wouldn't have found the parasite in the autopsy. Not if it burrowed out, Clark says. Brilliant. Clark asks Chloe to talk to Pete about it. In a flirty way, she says, "I'll do it for you." Clark tells her just to get Pete to her house. "It's a date," Chloe says, and takes one last suck on the pop. I try to think unsexy thoughts.

Talon. Clark goes up to Lana, who wasn't expecting him for another hour. She's excited about the date. Too bad, because Clark says he was excited too. "Why are you speaking in the past tense?" Lana asks, not changing her expression. (Which works in this bit.) Clark explains that something happened to Pete at the rave, and that if he doesn't get him to a hospital, he could die. Lana asks if she can help. Clark says he and Chloe have it covered. He says he's flaked out like this in the past and he wanted at least to give Lana an explanation this time. Lana says that they've waited this long, so what's another day? Chloe and Pete, both wearing black, enter giggling. "Hey lovebirds," Chloe says, "look who I found." Lana asks how Pete is feeling. He says he's awesome. Lana says that Clark made it sound like Pete was on his deathbed. Pete asks Lana why she hasn't learned that it's just Clark being Clark. He and Chloe laugh. Chloe has black streaky chunks in her hair and heavy eye makeup. Lana exits through the kitchen door, upset. Clark says he needs to get Pete some help. Pete appreciates the concern and says Clark is "his boy," but that he understands something now: for Clark, green means stop and red means go. He slips a smooth red stone in Clark's breast pocket. Clark's eyes go red. He smiles, evil. Finally!

The Barnness of Newfound Kicks. Chloe, Clark, and Pete enter, and they're up for some bad behavior. Clark says his parents are out looking for Pete. Pete wants to go to Saunders Gorge and jump a quarry. "If we miss, Clark can catch us," Pete says. "Let's do it!" Clark says. Pete asks if they can tell her. Clark says he's surprised she hasn't figured it out already. Now comes the Powers Demostration. Clark asks Pete to do the honors. Pete takes a wooden bat and breaks it on Clark's back. Luckily, it doesn't shatter in CGI. Pete says it gets better. He says it's dark in the barn. Clark uses his Ejacu-Heat-Vision to start up a lantern. "How did you --" Chloe starts. "Do that?" Clark finishes. He zips behind her. Chloe asks what he is. "Let's just say I'm not from around here," Clark says. Chloe asks Pete if he knew about this. "He's my brother," Pete says, "from another planet." Groan. "You should see the look on your face right now," Clark says. And it is indeed a very cute expression of wonder and disbelief. "This is so cool," Chloe says. She asks if he can fly. Pete and Clark bust out laughing. "Whoa," Clark says, "I may be an alien, but I'm not a cartoon." What about when you were in that flying squirrel cartoon in "Insurgence"? Chloe gets up on a railing and asks if Clark would catch her when she fell. "Go for it," he says, goofily. Chloe turns her back, raises her arms, and lets herself fall backwards. Clark zips downstairs and catches Chloe. "My own personal superhero," Chloe says. She always knew there was something special about Clark Kent.

Now comes maybe the most painful thing I've ever had to recap. The Dissing of Lex. He appears at the barn, saying he hopes he's not interrupting anything. "You are," Clark says, and puts Chloe down. "Does he know?" Chloe asks. Clark says no and that he only tells people who don't lie and stab him in the back. Lex asks if he can have a word alone with Clark. Alone. Clark says he's busy. "Don't worry about it, Clark. It's cool," Pete says, and comes downstairs wielding an aluminum bat. Pete says that he and Chloe will meet Clark in the car. Chloe slides up to Lex and says she's always wondered: for a boy who has all the money in the world, you'd think he could afford a good toupee. Ouch. It physically pained me to write that. Lex is hurt, but he looks like he almost digs it a little -- this new, bold, chunky-haired, spitfire, hellion Chloe. Funny looks between Clark and Lex. Lex asks what's going on. He says if he didn't know any better, he'd think they were on something. Clark puts an arm around Lex and says that they're not on anything, not that it's any of Lex's business. Amusingly, Clark asks if Lex has ever heard of a phone, since he keeps barging in there and... Lex interrupts to say that Snideface won't budge. "He won't budge or you don't want me in the cave?" Clark asks. I think Lex definitely wants you in the cave. Clark says you pay a guy to do a job and he does what you say; isn't that the way it always works? Oh, Clark and his naive ideas about male prostitution. Clark says he's going to go into those caves when he damn well pleases. And it's up to Lex whether he brings a bottle of wine and protection. Clark dares Lex to try and stop him. Lex asks if this is really about a term paper. Clark smiles slyly, his eyes at half mast, and gazes down in the direction of Lex's crotch. There's mischief in those eyes. Mischief and the Gayest Look of the Episode. "You'd love to know, wouldn't you?" Clark asks. Clark says he's gonna go. "So are you," Clark says, and pushes Lex aside casually. Lex gets pushed quite a few feet. He says he likes to see Clark stand up for himself, but he warns Clark not to cross the line. Clark hasn't just crossed the line. He peed on it on his way. Clark asks if that's a threat. Lex says it's just a friendly piece of advice. Clark gives some advice back: he warns Lex to stay the hell away from him. Smackdown!

Loud rock music. Country road. Pete's new blue sports car. Clark, in the back seat, tells Pete to go faster while Chloe checks herself in the rearview. Chloe watches Clark in the mirror and asks him what other superpowers he has. Clark tells Chloe to come to the back seat and find out. Chloe hops over to the back seat as Pete says, "Hey, this isn't the pimpmobile." Ha! My dad has a white Dodge Dynasty with red interior that we call The Pimpmobile. As Chloe and Clark start to make out, Pete says, "Damn, Chloe, I never knew you had all that!" Clark tells Pete to keep his eyes on the road. Then he and Chloe kiss like they've been given a weekend pass. Pete looks in the rearview and tells Chloe and Clark to get a room. Why should they? They've already got his car. They're kissing like total smoochy wusses, by the way. As Clark kisses her neck, Chloe tells Pete that she wants him to make a pit stop at The Talon. "Ha ha, awwww man!" Pete says. Thank you, Pete.

The Talon. A big American flag is hanging outside. Inside, Chloe and Clark are on a sectional couch making out with wild abandon. A not-Lana waitress comes up and interrupts them. "Excuse me? Hello?" the curly-haired waitress says. The waitress asks them to leave. "We're not going anywhere," Clark says. Chloe tells the waitress to go get her manager. Storm clouds a-brewin'! The waitress gives them a snide look (but not as snide a look as Snideface would have given them) and goes to do just that. Chloe straddles Clark. Clark asks Chloe the Raccoon what she wants to do . She suggests strip poker. Clark says they don't have any cards. "Sure we do," Chloe says. She whips out an imaginary deck of cards and starts dealing. Clark smiles. He lost the hand. Chloe leans forward and pulls apart the buttons of his shirt in two brisk yanks. My friend Nick points out that he doesn't have a Superman logo under his shirt. Clark takes the rest of his shirt off as Chloe and he continue to kiss. Clark drops his shirt on the floor. And as he does, the red meteor stone falls out of the pocket and the stone loses its brightness. Aw, man! I was really enjoying Snark Clark. Clark looks around and suddenly realizes what's going on. "I can't do this," he says and squirms out from under Chloe. She asks why the sudden Jekyll & Hyde. Instead of putting his shirt back on (I guess he can't because of the buttons), Clark puts his brown jacket on. Chloe asks if he was thinking about Lana. He says this has nothing to do with Lana. Chloe gets up and it looks like she's wearing some sort of black nightie. She says that Clark has no real feelings for her. Chloe accuses Clark of using her as a data machine, pumping information and research out of her. She says she's nothing but Clark's personal search engine, and she's sick of it. Yahoo! You go, Chloe! Clark says nothing. "I want you, Clark," Chloe says. I want her to use a little makeup remover. Clark squints at her and we hear the x-ray vision whooshing sound. We don't actually see the x-ray this time -- only Clark's constipated expression. Clark says, "Chloe, you have the parasite." Is that an STD? Chloe says she loves the way it feels. Chloe says this may be just what she needed -- to start living life instead of just reporting it. She slinks to Clark and kisses him again. Clark pulls away, but of course, Lana saw it this time. She's standing in the background when the smoochers separate. Clark zips up his jacket and says this is not what it looks like. Chloe, smiling, says this is exactly what it looks like. Lana walks right past them. Chloe says that Clark told her everything. Lana turns around and has tears in her eyes as she stands by her kitchen escape door. "And I mean everything," Chloe says. Chloe walks off. Lana looks at Clark with those tears in her eyes a second longer. Clark says he can explain. Lana bobs her head around like those *N Sync bobblehead dolls that Best Buy could never, ever sell a while back. Clark runs after Chloe instead of Lana.

Outside, Pete is sitting on the hood of his car and twirling some keys on a finger. Ooh, that's bad, baby. Clark chases after Chloe and says they both have to get to a hospital. Pete is not liking the doctor talk and asks what happened to his little red rock. Clark has figured it out. He asks how Pete could do that. Pete says Clark needed it (to which I'm inclined to agree) and goes to look for the red rock. He suggests that Clark and Chloe can suck face later. Clark beats the emergency room drum again. Pete rears back and punches Clark right in the face. Clark is affected. In fact, he falls back a few feet, hits a newspaper machine, and seems unconscious. "Whoa," Chloe says. "How'd you do that?" Pete opens his hand and he's holding the green meteor rock. Pete says that Clark may be a boy scout, but Pete's always prepared. Pete and Chloe drive off, leaving Clark lying on the sidewalk. From Clark's point of view, we see Lana come out with a bucket of water and dump it on his face. Clark comes to and asks where Chloe and Pete are. "I don't know!" Lana says, exasperated. She really doesn't care, either. Aw, Clark is all wet. Lana turns to leave, but when she looks back, Clark is gone. The people walking by don't notice the water, nor Clark zipping off at superspeed.

The gorge! Chloe and Pete drive up to the edge of a cliff. This is so "Bart the Daredevil." Pete admires the drop. "It'll be like flying," Chloe says. "Who needs Clark?" Pete asks. "Yeah, screw Clark!" Chloe yells. Right on, girl! Pete backs up a ways. Pete says they have ignition. "Blast-off!" Chloe says. Are those famous Kansas mountains in the background? Chloe hoots as they take off. Commercials!

Grounded for Life, now on The WB! Ignore it for the second time!

Back to the gorge! Chloe and Pete sail off the cliff. They scream happily. Toonces, no! Inside-the-car view. We see Clark standing in front of the car as it's about to hit the ground front-first. Outside view, now, and Clark is holding the car in his arms, squatting it. Chloe and Pete think this is totally awesome. Chloe wants to do it one more time. Clark says they're done. Aw, man!

Smallville Medical Center. The place for head wounds, mutant deaths, and insurance-free dropkicks. In Chloe's hospital room, there are some flowers and a big, purple stuffed animal. Is that from Lex? Clark enters the room and sits by Chloe's bed. He asks how she's feeling. "Finally made the Wall of Weird," she says. Clark congratulates her. Chloe asks about the thing they extracted from her. She asks if there's a picture of it she can see. So, let me get this straight. Clark somehow managed to get Chloe and Pete to the hospital in some unseen way that he hasn't been able to the rest of the episode. Chloe and Pete, of their own free will, allow the doctors to sedate them and perform surgery without pitching a fit and using the hospital gurneys to race down the hall and smash their heads at the end of the hallways. And the doctors know enough about strange mutant parasites to be able to perform a surgery without killing one or both of them. And the Center for Disease Control, a biohazard team, the FBI, and every news outlet in a five-state radius isn't swarming into the hospital? Riiiiiight. I'll have to remember to be in Smallville time I have an alien parasite in me. Things might have turned out much differently for Ripley if she and her crew had been here instead of dealing with face-suckers in space. Clark says she doesn't need to see the parasite. "Gross?" Chloe asks. Yeah. Gross. Pete's fine, too, by the way. See above. Clark asks what Chloe remembers. She only remembers up to the point where they were talking to "that obnoxious professor." Aw, she doesn't remember "cunning linguist"? That should be in the Chloe Hall of Fame! She says that everything else is a blank. She asks if she missed anything exciting. Nope. Nothing at all. You'll hear about it tomorrow at school. Clark is glad she's fine. He should remind her to get her Frequent Hospital Visitor card punched. After the fifth visit, you get lime Jell-O! Lana comes in with a tall, but thin flower arrangement. She didn't know Clark was there. He says it's fine; he was just leaving. Clark tells Chloe he'll catch up with her later. Chloe makes him promise to while Lana sulks in the background. Lana can't even look at Clark. He apologizes. Lana says she's not there to see Clark. She's at the hospital to see her roommate. "She's been ill," Lana says. Are you sure you're not supposed to be on Days of Our Lives? Lana greets Chloe with a big fakey "Heeeeey!" Chloe doesn't think anything's wrong? Chloe says she doesn't really remember what happened, but she feels like she should be apologizing for something. Lana says that Chloe wasn't herself. Chloe asks about the date with Clark. Chloe asks if she screwed it up. Lana says Clark screwed it up all by himself. Lana says she caught him making out "with another girl." Hesitantly, Chloe asks, "Who was the girl?" Long pause. Lana says she didn't recognize her. Lana sad. Chloe suddenly sad. Somebody get some antidepressants in here, stat!

Kent house at night. Bo Duke and MamaKent are interrogating Clark. They ask if he's sure Chloe doesn't remember anything. MamaKent can't believe Pete slipped Clark a red meteor Mickey. Clark says it wasn't really Pete. Bo says that what scares them is that Pete knew exactly how to control Clark. "It scares me too, Mr. Kent," Pete says, standing in the kitchen. Welcome to a world where no one knocks and doorbells only exist in the furthest reaches of your imagination. "Pete, hi, you're out!" MamaKent gushes, as fake as Lana was to Chloe in the last scene. Pete says he's back to normal, whatever that is. Three two-word lines per episode is what that means. And maybe that's not such a bad thing anymore. Pete apologizes. He doesn't remember what happened either, but Clark filled him in. Pete says that if they never want to speak to him again, he'll understand. He must have an overdramatic parasite in him now. MamaKent says they were always worried that Clark's secret was an unfair burden on Pete. Bo, who was just about to forbid Pete from ever dealing with Clark before he walked in, puts a hand on Pete's shoulder and says, "Everyone stumbles." Over their own platitudes? Bo says that what's important is that Pete's safe, alive, and still a part of the family. Clark lays a forearm on Pete's other shoulder and I imagine poor Pete being driven two feet into the floorboards. "...Whether you like it or not," Clark finishes for Bo.

Lex Lair. Professor Snideface walks into Lex's study. Lex is upstairs, where Papa Luthor was recently shot. Lex says he got off the phone with Cadmus Labs. Lex says the parasite dissection is complete and the creature's physiology is unlike anything on Earth. Snideface asks if Lex thinks they're alien in origin. Lex hopes the cave drawings will answer that question. Snideface is eager to get back to work. Lex says that before Snideface can continue, he's going to have to make some concessions. Lex says Snideface is going to give Clark "unfettered" access to the cave. Snideface asks the unaskable: "Just what exactly is your fascination with this boy?" Got about six hours to spare, Snidey? If these walls could talk, man. Lex says his instincts say that Clark knows a lot more about the caves than he's letting on. Oh, is Lex holding a grudge from that ugly scene at the barn? Lex by the fire. Time to take a lust break, Lex fans.

Talon. Sixpence None the Richer is singing, "Don't Dream It's Over." I'm not exactly sure what I think of that, honestly. Lana's turning off lights and closing up shop. Clark shows up. "What's this?" Lana asks. Clark is holding a pizza box and a single rose. "My pathetic attempt at an apology?" Clark asks. Clark says he pleads temporary insanity. Lana says it doesn't take a genius to figure out he and Chloe still have feelings for each other. Luckily, Lana's not a genius. Clark says he and Chloe are just friends. "Obviously better friends than we are," Lana tells him. Clark says that's not true. Lana's angry: "Clark, you can't lie to me about something I saw with my own eyes!" Lana asks Clark to be honest with himself. She says she knows why Chloe was kissing Clark. She wants to know why Clark was kissing her back. Um. Wanna play the alien parasite card, Clark? No? Fine then. Clark says nothing. Lana scoffs and says she has to lock up. Clark leaves the rose on the counter and walks out of the coffee shop. Lana, near tears, pats her neck, picks up the rose, and looks at it. She smells it, then tosses it in the trash.